03/06/2004 - 2:14PM

As many of you may have read in my previous journal entry... Things have been on the rocks for Nicky and I in the past few weeks. Yesterday, I drove down to Nicky's house, thinking about our relationship - and I decided that the best thing to do was just be friends, because that's what we do best. I may have been on crack, but I thought he'd take it badly - which was quite the exact opposite. I guess this is what he has wanted all along. And you know what? It make take some getting used to, but in the long run, this is what's best for both of us.

We went out to look for the street races in Rex, and I had a lot of negative sad thoughts brewing vigorously inside my little head. I didn't know why he wasn't sad, or why I was. We ended up at Fair Lakes where I saw Jake and met some new BMW peoples, of which I hadn't met formally beforehand. Jake noticed I was awfully quiet (for once) and implored the reason why. My eyes welled up, and I just walked away. Nick asked me what was wrong. And I told him that I guess I just thought there must be... "another girl"... since he wasn't sad that we broke up. And he laughed it off and he grabbed my arms and said "I don't want another girl! I just wanna be your friend". And then he gave me a big hug, and I wanted to cry. But I swallowed and tried to be strong. It was after this situation, that there exists no doubt in my mind that Nick cares for me and wants to always be there for me - as I for him. While we were eating at Applebee's, I was just looking at him, thinking how cute he is. And how much I'll miss his presence in my life as a boyfriend. Though I may not be in love with him (nor, he for I), I'll always love him and care about him. He is such a great guy, and he'll make whoever is his next girlfriend very very happy.

We parted with our BMW peoples and went home where I watched the beginning of a South Park episode I hadn't seen. When all of a sudden, he asked if we could... "consumate the end of our relationship" (if ya get my point) since it had been two weeks since. I didn't think this was a very good idea, since we had already broken up, and friends shouldn't be participating in such filthy behavior! *gasp* Hehe. But the more he pushed on.. YARRRRRGGGH... I can't say no to those eyes. I just can't. And he started kissing my neck and my lips... and it just reminded me of the passion we had when we first met. Every kiss was filled with such emotion and passion, I felt lightheaded. Needless to say, it was phenomenal, and that was the best I've personally had with him, and truly one of the many things I'm going to miss. Sometimes you have to give up some small good things in order to keep the BIG good things.

I didn't really want to smother Nicky, like I do every weekend, so I left early this morning. He gave me a big hug. Friends can still hug, right? Cuz I love his hugs. It took me a while to get up here (UMBC) because I kept stopping to shop, get gas, etc. It saddens me how many miles I've put on Rex in such a short amount of time - but... driving him fills me up with such joy that I can't help but call it even. I went to Giant to get some shit. Parked my car back here. And.. here I am!

Tonight, I'm gonna party with my new friends that Steve has introduced me to. It's weird, because I know Steve likes me (as well as 5 other girls), but I just want to help him find a relationship with a GREAT girl. He likes this girl named Casey (who *gasp*, to no surprise, has a boyfriend) who he's trying to get over, but to no avail. Everytime he thinks he's okay, she throws him another curve. I think.. Thursday night?... she told him she liked him. Personally, I'm not trying to ruin things between the two of them, but how can this work? Who is to say that she won't do the same thing to him when he is her boyfriend (same thing, being... developing a crush and flirting uncontrollably when faced with distance from him)? I just want everybody to be happy, and all I see is trouble. Drama, drama, drama. Welcome to my life.

Well, I'm going to go grab a bite to eat. Holla back!

6:35PM:
Just got back from Steve's room. We talked about Nick, Casey, his roommate. Obviously something is bothering him, but I can't put my finger on it. I don't know why I feel this innate feeling to help others, but I can't just sit here and be ignorant and pretend everyone in the world is doing okay. I just want everyone to be happy. I'm looking forward to the party tonight. :)

03/07/2004 - 2:08PM
Wow. I am absolutely blown away. In a good way.

... I miss him.

6:25PM
So I was driving in my little car when that Fabolous & Tamia song came on (So Into You), and it kinda just brought back memories from when Nick and I first met. I thought about the first time I gave him a hug (ECB meet), the first time we kissed (in Philly after Irev), the first time we did it (the day before we went to King's Domion)... *sigh* I really miss him. I wish I could find somebody JUST like him who lived on campus. I miss the inside jokes, the laughter, the tears... I know it's not going to be the same. But I want it to be.

I think I'm just going to let Steve be with Casey, no matter what I really feel. I need my single time. Time to get over Nick, time to myself, time to figure out what the hell my whole purpose in life is.

I wonder if Nick misses me too. Probably not.

03/08/2004 - 12:04AM
What is with this boy that I can't get him out of my head??? I think he means trouble.

Steve's Friend: so you do anything fun and productive today?
Likk My Butthole: Not really.
Likk My Butthole: I went to watch Steve play football.
Likk My Butthole: I think he's annoyed with me now.
Steve's Friend: he might be, i dunno
Likk My Butthole: :-\
Steve's Friend: ive never understood his view of women
Likk My Butthole: I don't want to annoy him.
Likk My Butthole: What is his view of women?
Steve's Friend: well like, every girl likes him, its like a right of passage to be a woman, you have to crush on bloom. and I get mad he doesnt take more advantage of that. he's picky.
Likk My Butthole: Haha, every girl likes him?
Steve's Friend: they say every group of friends has one guy that gets laid constantly, and one that never does.
Steve's Friend: he definetly could be the first one
Likk My Butthole: lol
Likk My Butthole: That's interesting.
Likk My Butthole: He's got a little charm about him.
Steve's Friend: i could not tell you how many times I've been with a girl I was trying to get with, and like an idiot when he calls I'll meet up with him and the girls like "Oh my god he's so good lucking!" and I just wanna go on the ride home and be like "OUT!" and kick em out of the car:-P
Likk My Butthole: LOL
Likk My Butthole: I'm sorry.
Steve's Friend: ah I'm used to it by now

12:42AM
Wow. What is wrong with my life? Kent and Q just left my room, but when we were in the lobby, Steve came back from getting food. And you could tell there was tension. AGGGGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!! FOOOOOOOOK! I'm just going to ignore everybody this week. For real. I want Nick in my life. Is it stupid that I want him as my boyfriend again? Sure, we may have fought, but my life wasn't utter chaos! AHHHHH!!! Rid me of this trouble brewing in my heart.

9:28AM
I think I'm addicted to drama. First Nick doesn't care. Then he does. I can't explain how I feel. It's as if... I need him in my life. And because he no longer pays attention to me (doin' his own thing), I seek it elsewhere. It sounds retarded, but we didn't have THAT bad of a relationship. And compared to the boys I have met, he was actually pretty open most of the time about how he felt about me. I miss him, but... uggggggggh. Why doesn't he want to be with me? =( I feel like this sad little puppy that has no home. And I keep running around to different houses, just to get shoved back outside into the street. Somebody shoot me now.

12:50PM
Holy shit. I give up! Entirely! What's the point of me being nice to everybody when people just treat me like a doormat? Good lord. I give up!

4:15PM
RoxLaxAttack15: wanna know what im doin
Likk My Butthole: Sure.
RoxLaxAttack15: im jacking off to ur pic
Likk My Butthole: Great.
RoxLaxAttack15: wanna roleplay
Likk My Butthole: No.
RoxLaxAttack15: why not
Likk My Butthole: Cuz you're a weirdo.
RoxLaxAttack15: yea but ur so hot
Likk My Butthole: Can you leave me alone?
Likk My Butthole: And stop IMing my friends.
RoxLaxAttack15: if we roleplay for a little
Likk My Butthole: No.
Likk My Butthole: Go away.
RoxLaxAttack15: cum on
Likk My Butthole: I'm serious.
Likk My Butthole: Go away.
RoxLaxAttack15: please
Likk My Butthole: Freak.
Likk My Butthole: Leave me the fuck alone.
RoxLaxAttack15: can u send me a pic of u please ...i'll leave u alone if u do
Likk My Butthole: GO. AWAY. FAR AWAY.

I'm serious. A lot of you may not be this weird, but you're just as annoying. I may be a bit irked (a lot actually), so until I'm in a better mood, I don't have the time or the mindset to deal with you sick little people.

6:03PM
I've realized that karma exists, and it won't hesitate to bite you in the ass. I don't like Steve, I just wanna be his friend. Yet, he doesn't wanna screw things up with this new girl Casey, so I guess ignoring me is his way of "not screwing things up". This is relevant to the situation with Jonny from a couple months ago. Jonny wanted to be my friend (but knowing him, he probably had an ulterior motive), and in not wanting to mess things up with Nick, I ignored him. And now he hates me. Good times.

Common sense has made me realize that Steve sees me as this glorified object who the guys are always talking about. So that means if he doesn't like me, someone else will. But if he stops liking Casey, she won't have anyone. Why must corrupt politics be a part of this drama? The reality is that Casey has friends.... and I don't! So while he's ignoring me to "not screw things up", I am eating alone. Or sitting in my room twiddling my thumbs. Maybe he views me as a threat. I wish I had more friends. I'm sick of drama.

6:35PM
I'm lonely.
Nick, you should know that I'll always love and care about you, no matter what. Through thick and thin, I'm here for you. You are one of the few people that, even if I had a new boyfriend, I'd drop everything and be there for you if you were going through a hard time. You will always be in my heart, and I want you to know that.

9:02PM
Just got back from the gym with Kent and Kenny. It was very nice of them to take me with them. I spent 30 minutes on this running machine, and then 20 minutes on the cycling machine. And then we were gonna go, but Kent lost his ID. I saw Killer Tofu and T-Jizz (Chris and TJ) and said hello. I got so tired, but I feel great. I need to start going more. :)

9:51PM
Gosh, I adore Nicky. He's so nice. :)

03/09/2004 - Tentatively 6:30 (internet's not working)
I don't think I really realized how much I'd miss Nick's presence in my life as more than just a friend. I'm definitely going to miss his floppy dance, his big balls, spending the weekends at his house (I feel a little unwanted now that he's got all his friends and doing his own thing), holding him while he sleeps on his tummy, his gorgeous eyes... His amazingly beautiful eyes... UGGGGGH. He's not dead. Get over this, Melly! JEEEEEZ. Stop being a little baby. *smacks herself* I miss him so much, and I just want to be in his arms again. :( Maybe one day he'll want me back.

03/10/2004 - 5:56PM
Okay, I'm convinced these are all the same person since this is the third different screen name I've received a message of this liking from just TODAY. Holy shit. Don't you guys have anything better to do?

Thug4Life7Days: guess what im bout to to do, meyli
Likk My Butthole: Hmm? [I was hoping he was gonna say he was about to mail my letter, but I could only hope]
Thug4Life7Days: im bout to jack off to ur pics if thats ok with u
Thug4Life7Days: is that ok
Likk My Butthole: WTF
Thug4Life7Days: is this meyli
Likk My Butthole: Yes.
Thug4Life7Days: is it ok if i jack off to ur pics from yahoo
Likk My Butthole: Sure.
Thug4Life7Days: thanks im picking out the right pic to get off to
Thug4Life7Days: i lke the pic in the black dreess yu have lots off ass showing
Thug4Life7Days: can i pretend im sticking in ur ass so i can get off
Likk My Butthole: Sure.
Thug4Life7Days: danm this feels very great would u play with ur pussy while my cock is in your ass
Thug4Life7Days: ????
Likk My Butthole: No.
Thug4Life7Days: would u let me play in ur pussy while i get u in the ass
Likk My Butthole: No.

My thoughts: If I had said "no, you can't masturbate to my pictures", would it have stopped this weirdo from doing it anyway? Most likely not! If you're going to rub one out to my pictures, please do so discreetly and privately. I don't need to know. And I honestly couldn't care less.

Thug4Life7Days: so would u let me dry hump the nice ass
Thug4Life7Days: are you still there
Likk My Butthole: Please leave me alone.
Thug4Life7Days: ok thats fucked up that u did not help me get off i was going to send a big amout of money to ur site bye bye

LMAO! That's money I could do without.

8:16PM
Awwwwwww, Kent just told me that there were a lot of guys talkin' about me in the gym today. They called me the "new hot Asian girl". I told him a lot of Asians go to the gym, and he said "yeah, but not blonde ones".... Aww... I feel all fuzzy inside. <3

03/11/2004 - 9:21AM
"Hey, I bet if you took those pictures off, and put decent, lady like ones on, you wouldn't have this problem....just a thought."

Are you talking about MySpace? Because if I did just that, it wouldn't make a difference. These people aren't from MySpace. I'm pretty sure it's one guy, with a bunch of screen names. And to be honest, I really don't care if people indulge themselves to my pictures. I just think it's awfully annoying that they feel the need to tell me. Nothing a simple "block" button won't fix. Thank you for your concern, however.

4:23PM
I am not worthy.

03/12/04 - 2:28AM
I just got back from the club. There was this group of girls outside on our way out and they were being bitches to me. I wanted to punch them in the nuts. I'm serious, why do girls have to be such bitches?

03/14/04 - 12:50PM
I've been thinking a lot about how wonderful I felt when I first met Nick. The first time I laid in his bed and he crawled in and wrapped his arms around me. Our trip to Irev, our first kiss. *sigh* I wonder if Nicky will ever miss me or if we'll ever be together again. =\

8:11PM
Sooooooooo, let's begin to lay out my weekend.

Woke up Friday with somewhat of a little cough. Nothing major. Went to Environmental Science, but.. I walked into class and it looked like I walked into the class before me. So I went to wait outside. I asked somebody what time it was, and they said 10:45 which makes sense because their class lets out at 10:50 and mine starts at 11. So I must have waited around 10 minutes because I noticed no one was going in or coming out. I asked someone else what time it was, and they said 11:10. I walked back to my dorm, feeling as if I was in some kind of demented black hole or something. It wasn't adding up. I don't remember after that, but I went to Pho in Rockville to eat. It was yummy. MMMMMM. After that I made my way to work, but only worked one hour because I was feeling physically drained (but I told my boss I was sick, which I wasn't yet). Then I went home and bummed around. Around 7:15, I left for Klarkee's house to go to VA Beach with him, David and Jerny. We were supposed to leave at 8, but as usual, we were always late and didn't embark on our trip until around 9.

It was cold as foooooook in Klarkee's car and for some odd reason there was cold air blowin' up my ass. He said it was his cold air intake. How special. I had to pee (from eating all that Pho) perhaps 45 minutes into our trip. My cough was starting to develop. We stopped at McDonald's to eat and pee. Then we went to Exxon to get snacks and cough drops. We then proceeded to sing Karaoke (I got to sit up front), which I'm 99% sure is the reason why my throat got this irritated. We sang such hits as A Moment Like This, Lose Yourself, and Alive. Haha, good times.

Upon arrival at the Holiday Inn, I felt like shit, so I decided to go in 465 and nap while everyone was partying in 471. To be honest, I felt kind of left out because everybody was Filipino except me. (and Jonathan, but he fits right in, dunno why) They were all talking in (I don't know the name of the language, despite how many times Jerny told me) and I didn't understand so I felt pretty left out. Jerny came to check on me and bring me pizza. Then Klarkee came and we chilled. But then Theresa called Klarkee and was wondering why they weren't in the 471. Klarkee looked sad cuz he had to leave. And he kept sending us text messages from the other room like "WHYYYY". Haha. After a considerable amount of time, Jerny and I went back to the other room to watch The Ring. But then the girls and Jonathan split into 465 to sleep. I only got about... 3-4 hours of sleep, which is just horrid considering I had 3-4 from the night before and only 5-6 from the night PRIOR to that. Needless to say, I woke up feeling like I wanted to punch someone in the balls.

Somebody opened the blinds so the sun was all up in our room, and then people were jumping on my bed. I wanted to cry. I spent half the morning coughing my lungs out. After I got ready and was forced to take a shower using tepid water, I headed over to 471 and we ate bagels and watched TV and played cards while we waited for Donna. I am the ultimate BS champion. I was the first to get rid of my cards. And then 15 minutes later, I BS'ed someone, and they weren't BSing, so I had to pick up the pile of cards. And then I got rid of that before anyone else got rid of their cards. Haha. 1st Place: Meyli 2nd Place: Jonathan Third Place: David Fourth Place: Michelle (the order might be wrong cuz my memory sucks, but I know I was FIRST, BIATCH). Then we went out to walk around the boardwalk. Klarkee let me drive his car, but upon parking it... I ran the car up onto the little concrete median between the curb and the space. OUCH! I think I was distracted cuz we were all singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow. I felt like shit for it. Sorry, Klarkee's car! So we walked around the city and went into the little souvenir shops. Klarkee got a fake tattoo and I got a pink visor that says Angel. We decided to leave to go eat at a Filipino restaurant. Klarkee let Donna drive. I didn't feel so bad because as she was backing out of the space (that I so destructively parked in), while we were finishing Somewhere Over the Rainbow, she backed into a parked car. POOR KLARKEE'S CAR! Maybe Somewhere Over the Rainbow isn't our lucking song anymore. All the girls were makin' jokes like how I got the front, Donna got the back, and Syell and Theresa wanted to crash the left and right sides of the car. Klarkee is way too nice. I will tell you now and forever that if somebody else ran up onto a median in my Rex, I'd have a heart attack and die.

The food was so good at this little restaurant. Perhaps because I was starving. There was a man and a woman singing Karaoke in the corner. RIGHTEOUS! We chimed in on "What A Wonderful World" and everyone was lookin' at us. Nicky text messaged me to ask if I had started my "." yet.. (I'm a week late right now). I was looking forward to going back to the hotel and powernapping before heading to the club later that night.

So we got back and I jump into bed and I'm all ready to sleep, when I'm informed that 471's door won't open. They had to get the housekeeping to open it. Then I found out that housekeeping had found all the alcohol in that room, and it was an alcohol restricted room. The reason their door wouldn't open was because they changed the code so that they'd have to go downstairs and speak with the manager. I was informed that we'd have to pay a 500$ fine, and they had confiscated Klarkee's license since he was the only one over 21. They were going to charge him with providing alcohol to minors and it would go on his record permanently. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, 30 minutes later, someone came into the room while I was twiddling my thumbs worrying, and told me it was all just a joke. Bastards. Who knew Klarkee was so sneaky? Hehehe. So after this, I decided our trip could be a LOT worse and that I shouldn't be so cranky. So then I was drifting off into sleep when someone came in and slapped this huge ass at LEAST 15" dildo in my face. Jonathan got it at a sex shop and was gonna give it to Donna. THEN I fell asleep for maybe 2-3 hours. Which felt sooooo good. I woke up when Theresa and David came into my room to get something. They told me to come to the mall. I gladly obliged.

At the mall, I bought these pink pants from 579, a pink hat that says M from Charlotte Russe, and a pink butterfly necklace from a shoe store. Then I got a chicken quesadilla and a double cheeseburger and a McChicken to go eat back at the room. Chris' ex (who lives in VA Beach) told us the club opens at 9 so we had plans to leave by 9. We had 30 minutes to get ready. I ate, got ready, and then we sat around on our asses because Jerny, Chris, and Chris' ex had gone to pick some people up and we had to wait for them to come back. Guess when they came back. 10:45. Anybody who knows me will know I absolutely ABHOR waiting for anything. I spent the whole time complaining, throwing my hands up, looking at my watch and exclaiming "WHAT THE FUCK!", etc.

We got to the club at 11 (just as I had predicted earlier in the evening. I TOLD EVERYBODY), and I had to pay 10 bucks to get in. The girls had X's on their hands, and most of the guys got to drink. It was pretty dead when we got in. Lotta rednecks. We sat at this booth. Then Michelle and I went to dance. We went back after a couple minutes because my throat was dry. I asked for a Coke. The waitress gave it to me in a clear cup. I took a sip and drank half the cup, then gave it to Michelle and Donna. This big fat ugly guy came over and pointed at Michelle and Donna and he was like "YOU TWO - COME WITH ME NOW!". Apparently, he thought they had been drinking (SMELL THE CUP, YOU IDIOT) because nonalcoholic drinks are in red, blue, or yellow cups. Not clear cups. What a jackass. We danced some more. I asked the bartender for a water, which she gave me again, in a clear cup. I wasn't fazed. I drank half of it. Then gave it to Michelle because she had been dancing and was undoubtedly thirsty. The fat ugly guy came back over and SCREAMED in her face, not giving her a chance to explain. YOU IDIOT. SMELL THE WATER. What a jackass. He was like "IF I SEE YOU DRINKING AGAIN, YOU'RE OUT". Are people from VA Beach deficit of intellect? Good lord. She started crying. I gave her a big hug. This ruined the mood of the night. I wanted to speak to the manager. Later on, I asked if I could speak with him (big fat ugly guy, not the manager), and he said "not right now" and then never returned. How sad that he's scared of lil 'ol me. I really think he owes Michelle an apology. Even now. Nobody deserves to be spoken to with that large an amount of disrespect, especially when it's due to the negligence of the club's own staff. *shakes head* We left at around... 1:30? Got back to the hotel, packed up our shizz from 465, when we realized nobody had the keys for 471 which is where the boys' shizzle was. *SIGH* How incredibly disappointing. So we had to wait for Jonathan and everyone to come back. I watched FearDotCom. SKURRY! Finally, we left at 3. I napped. It was cold. Klarkee was tired. *sigh*

I don't know how we're going to do Florida or if we will at all. This trip was so exhausting. I was expecting a relaxing little vacation. Instead, I got no rest, things kept going wrong, etc. AHHHHHHHHHH!

So at around 10:30 I set out for Towson Mall for my swimsuit fitting for the Water, Water, Everywhere fashion show on Friday. I ended up liking this red and white bikini, and the bottom had like... a little skirt. So that's what I'm wearing. Cool beans, yo. Then I went back to the dorm and slept until 4-5. Then I woke up and drove to Pho in Rockville for another bowl of pure heaven. There was like this sportbike crew of 8-10 people in Pho. And an E36 M3. They looked at me, but I didn't say anything to them. Then I went home to look for shoes to wear for the Water, Water, Everywhere show, but I couldn't find the shoes I was looking for. It was frustrating me, and on top of that, I've been having this sharp ass pain in my back on and off for days. It is currently 9:28PM and I've just taken the Nyquil. I'm ready for some serious ass rest.

I've been thinking about Nick a great deal recently. And how much I really enjoyed being with him, despite how miserable I sounded with him. A lot of people say that I just enjoy BEING in a relationship, but if that were so, I'd be in one right now. When I close my eyes, all I can think about is how passionate and happy I was once with him. And I wonder if he'll ever want to be with me again.

I'm signing off for tonight. I hope all of your weekends were a lot better than mine. Farewell, and godspeed.

03/15/2004 - 3:57PM

4:35PM
Joe from Colorado - thanks for the mail! Am I supposed to write you back at the Grand Timber Lodge address or what? =)

8:49PM
Nick - the one person who I thought would adore me more than one could adore anything in the world - doesn't seem to miss me, care, much less wonder how I'm doing. I want so badly for him to want to see me, to ask how I'm doing, to tell me he misses me... but I can't make someone do something when it's not how they feel. Once again, I've been kicked out and tossed to the curb, hurt. I'm crying so hard right now. I've never felt so alone. And all I want is to be in his arms again. :(

He fell into my life at such an unpredictable time. I was okay with being single. I was having fun, being myself - not a care in the world. And then... I met him. And everything changed. Now that I am single again, why am I still stuck in this perpetual whirlwind of confusion and longing? Why can�t I be having fun and everything I was doing before I met him. I long for him with such a passion.

I think about how much he persisted to be with me, how much he would tell me that he needed to be with me. I don't even want to be his girlfriend, I just want to be in his arms again. Even just as a friend. The fact that he never calls to see how I'm doing just discourages me even more. I have a lot I want to say to him in person, but afraid I'll never get the chance.

I feel so lonely, and I know I have a pick of guys. But I don't want other guys. I want Nick. I want everything that Nick made me feel, and how whole I felt with him. I've never met anyone like him, and I don't know if I ever will. Every guy that I meet now, all I can think of is, how he's so not... Nick. How am I going to get over him? I know this is horrible. But I can't help the way my heart feels. I just wish Nick missed me back, or cared. At all.

10:46PM
You know what? FUCK how I feel. I just want him to be happy. And if he is, then I can be happy for him, regardless of how shitty I feel inside. There, I said it.

11:36PM
He is such a sweetheart. Not like my other ex's who were assholes. No wonder why it is so hard to get over him. I hope one day he'll miss me and I can be in his arms again. But for now I will just have to be happy being his friend.

03/16/2004 - 10:38PM
Steve: me and mike made a list after u left....
Steve: it was what girls do u wish u could do something with and u have a chance maybe
Steve: u were #1
Steve: for me

And the plot thickens.

03/17/2004 - 2:05PM
I'm crying. Because I'm really beginning to hate it here. And hate my life. It's been 8 weeks, and I still don't have any friends. I see people in groups, and I'm still eating by myself. What is wrong with me that nobody wants to be my friend? I feel so alone.

7:52PM

I think I might love him. =\

8:17PM
I don't know how else to feel. But I can't help the way that I feel. I miss him so much. I just wish he missed me too. I've written him a heartfelt e-mail which he probably won't read. I don't know what has happened to my Nicky. He used to be so compassionate and sensitive, and now he is this cold hard stone. I might as well be professing my love to Eddy Teddy or Ricky. I wish he could just tell me how he feels deep inside. Hold my hand, and look into my eyes, and tell me how his heart feels. Even if his heart is no longer feeling for me, I just need closure. And I need him to be open and upfront with me. Person to person. Fuck this online bullshit.

9:23PM
Tell me, doctor, what do you attribute all these crazy mood swings to?

St. Patty's Day Bar Crawl 2004

03/18/2004 - 2:11PM
So I just checked my mail and opened up this letter from Sean (from MySpace) and he drew a picture of Rex!!!!!!! Awwwwwww, it made me smile so much. Hehe.

03/19/2004 - 10:43AM
Well, just woke up. Today's the last day before spring break. Woo hoo!!! Last night I went to Bar Baltimore and had a GREAT time. We had to leave early though because the person giving me a ride found out their friend was in a car accident when they got a phone call at around 1:30. I saw Bri Pie, Kevin, Kevin, DEEEEEEEEEENA!!!!!!, Neil, Tom, and the rest of the staff. Funnily enough, I ate at Pho in Rockville on... Sunday? by myself. And I parked next to this E36 M3, and there was this whole sportbike crew inside. And I left when they left. And they all watched me drive away... Well, they were ALL at Bar and they all recognized me. Which is pretty weird! I gave the guy with the E36 my number so we could cruise sometime. He was like "what does your license plate mean??" hahahahaha... And then this guy from my old Psych class at Montgomery College recognized me, but I couldn't remember him. How weird is it that all these MoCo people were at Bar Baltimore? Well, I just had an overall good time. It was the first time I went to Bar looking like I was clubbing. Like most of the time, I look like I work there, hah. Cuz I usually wear jeans and a folded up top. But I wore a little black dress. There was a hot body contest, and this chubby guy won. And then there was a bikini contest and this really cute brunette one. I saw my girl Brenda there (she's a stripper), but I guess she didn't win cuz it was obvious that she knew what she was doing. Well, I'm coughing up my lungs right now, so I guess I'll go eat. I'm looking forward to the fashion show for Water, Water, Everywhere tonight at Have a Nice Day cafe, except I really don't know how to get there... so it should be interesting.

7:17PM
Funny how Nick only IMs me or feigns interest in my life or pretends to care about me only when there's risk of me being pregnant.

7:31
I am sick of opening my heart for men who "promise" not to hurt me, and do just that. And as if that's not enough, they ignore me - like I never meant something to them. How is it that months of pressing me to be with him... led to him not even missing me, days after we split? Am I that toxic? That unwantable? He needed me and needed to be with me... but then again, men will say anything, pretend to be anyone, and do anything imaginable just to get what they want. And it doesn't matter who gets hurt in the process. I vow for the rest of the year to close my heart and my feelings to everybody. You wanna be with me? Fuck you. I'll stomp on your heart, and set it on fire. Whoever said it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all is full of shit.

I have to go get ready for the fashion show. My eyes have dried, yet so has my heart. Life moves on for tonight.

7:38PM
I can't believe it has only been 2 weeks since the demise of our relationship. And already, I am falling apart. 7:47PM
I wish he just knew how much he means to me. And that I meant more than a piece of trash to him.

03/20/2004 - 1:01AM
The show went great. And on the way home, I had quite a remarkable revelation.

This past week has been one of the absolute worst weeks of my life. I stopped going to my classes. I slept at least 14 hours a day. I stopped eating. I tried to OD on Nyquil (60ML), but then decided to go to the club??? So tried to counter it with No Doze (people thought I would have a heart attack, but I showed them!). I was battling a possible pregnancy. And to top it off. I was so alone. No Nick. No friends. Just a horrible horrible week. THANK GOD it is over! And I'm so glad I made it. Why am I going crazy? What the hell is wrong with me? I felt as if I was sinking in quicksand. I was truly having a nervous breakdown. And no doubt about it, I was falling apart.

I've realized that I need to work on building a network of friends (on real life - as much as I love you myspace buddies - I do need friends in real life). Because to put all that responsibility on my boyfriend's shoulders... it's too much pressure. One person shouldn't have the sole responsibility of deterring my mood one way or the other. I need friends. And until I have a group of friends that love me and care for me and vice versa, I'm not going to go into another relationship. I love you all. *mwahZ*

11:06AM
I just had the most awful dream. I was in some distant vacation land and Nick was there, but we weren't together. And he was flirting with all these girls. And he was being a total asshole to me. And Kent was there trying to talk to me and make me feel better but it really broke my heart, my real heart to have such a hurtful dream. And when I finally confronted Nick, he said that the reason he wanted other girls and didn't want to be with me is because I'm ugly, I thimk it's gross when he farts, I don't give him head and I'm bad at sex. He said the only reason he wanted to be with me is cuz he wanted head. And then he hit me. =(

I miss the old Nick. And I know Nick isn't like that, but what could this dream mean? I woke up and burst into tears, and then I nearly threw up. I know it's just a dream, and I'm getting ahead of myself. I know Nick isn't like that. But I feel as if my heart was burned and shattered again. ALL OVER AGAIN.

I wish Nick would make an effort to talk to me and see how I'm doing beyond the fact that I might be pregnant. I wish he would care about me. But you can't make somebody care. How is it that he got over me so quick? Am I that unwanted? I just want so badly to be in his arms again. I wish he would respond to my e-mails. Or just BE A FRIEND. I wish he would let me know if we'll ever be together again. I don't know why, but I feel like I really want to die right now, after having such a horrible dream. How is it that just 2 weeks prior to the REAL end, when we almost broke up, he was bawling like a baby on the phone? He was just so utterly sad, and I called him and I told him everything would be okay. I was there for him to talk to him to try to make him feel better. And now I am that bawling baby, and he is nowhere to be found. I am worth nothing to him. And I'm sure he reads these journals. And if he does, why doesn't he write me and tell me I'm wrong? Why doesn't he tell me I have nothing to worry about and that things will be okay? Why doesn't he call me? And why doesn't he come give me a hug, as I would do for him in a HEARTBEAT. I wish he'd send me a message and say "Oh, I haven't gotten over you, but I'm trying to, etc." GIVE ME A CLUE. I feel so utterly lonely and sad. I don't know what to do. But I'm going back to bed to cry myself to sleep. I can only hope and pray that he tries to contact me today and tries to be there for me. As a friend.

I don't know what has come over me. But I think I may have loved him. And an issue like this won't resolve itself until I can see him in person and try to have closure. It would be better if I got to see him a lot more than... uhh.. NEVER? And if he was actually, I dunno, my friend? I am so confused, and so depressed. And I don't know what to do anymore. But I am going back to bed.

10:52AM
Well, I just got off the phone with Nick. I can't believe I finally built up the balls to call him, but I'm awfully glad I did. He just kinda listened while I talked and told him everything on my mind. And while I'm sure it's flattering for him to be the object of my adoration, he's heard it time and time again... and it's gotten a little old. One thing that sticks out to me is when I was in tears and saying how I feel as if I were different or if there was something I could change for him to like me again. And he said there's nothing that I NEED to change. Another part of the conversation that is particularly distinct to me is when I asked him if he was happy, and he said he's not happy when I'm like this. Which means whether or not I think so, he genuinely cares about me and wants me to be okay. Sometimes I wish he'd be an asshole so I could forget all about him and think how stupid he is. But the fact is, he's the complete opposite. He's such a kind, generous, loving individual, and it's no wonder that so many people like him and think he's a great guy. He is. I feel so lucky to have been with him and been in his presence for such a period of time. He's SUCH a great guy. I knew it from the moment I met him. We may get back together in the future. We may not. But I'm just happy that he is my friend. I'm going to try to be strong and try to be a good healthy happy girl and show Nick that I'm growing up. And maybe he'll like me again. I'm going to develop a strong friends network. People that will be there for me. And things are going to be okay. How is it that he always knows exactly what to say/do to give me hope and a willingness for life and its ups and downs. If you are reading this, Nick. I take back each and every negative thing I have ever said about you. You are such a bright impact on my life. Thank you for being there for me this morning, it means the world to me that you were here for me. And for that, I am eternally grateful. *hugZ*

10:27PM
I didn't think it was possible to miss someone this much. But I do. And I'm glad that he's out having fun, but I wish that I was out with him having fun. There's so much I would do different if given a second chance. I would hang out with his friends a lot more. And not nag as much. And just be everything that he wanted me to be. I'm willing to do anything, to be anyone, just to be with him again. People keep saying "blah blah blah, you are gorgeous, you will find someone else in no time". DON'T YOU PEOPLE FUCKING UNDERSTAND??? I don't want to be with anybody else. I want to be with Nick. But I don't want to pressure him into anything, so on that note, when can we be friends again? When can we hang out and have jokes just like we used to? We can hang out with friends if that's what he'd like... if being alone would be too uncomfortable. It's such a big loss in my life when he's the only person I'd hang out with on the weekends. I wonder if he misses me too.

Today was a pretty okay day. I woke up early, had that nightmare, called Nick, went back to bed. Woke up at around 1:30. Went to Pho with Mike Lu. It was funny cuz the guy at the cell phone place at Best Buy was trying to hit on me or something and then Mike came, and I was pretending I was his sister. I guess you had to be there. We went to the Pho across from Best Buy (I didn't know one existed!) and it was pretty empty. Kinda like the times Nicky and I would go to Pho (shut up, Melly! Enough already.). We ate and talked about old times, and A LOT about Nicky. It was kinda funny, cuz Mike thought Nick was my dog from all my away messages. LOL. Ahhhh... good times. We took a pic of us outside Pho cuz I wanna mark every landmark of my spring break (which I've failed to do tonight). Then I went back home. Thought about Nick some more (what else is new). Fell asleep. Took a nap for about... I'd say 4 hours. Woke up. Ate McDonald's. Then went out to meet up with Bret at Starbucks. I wasn't really feeling up for it, but I went with him, Bobby, and Mike (different Mike to Fuddruckers) where we met up with another Bobby and his GORGEOUS girlfriend Jenn Xi. She models for Super Street. And I dunno why, I just kept looking at her and wondering if I were as pretty as her, maybe Nick would want to be with me. =\ Her boyfriend has 2 NSX's. *sigh* Then we went back to Starbucks and I saw Dan with the Silvia and met some more of the whole group. I saw Sam with the SLK and Moe with the E36 as well. I wasn't feeling well, and all I could think about was Nick, so I just decided to go home and rest. And... here I am.

I'm hoping Nick will call me or message me sometime this week and maybe we can chill like old times. I miss seeing him. And I just think of how cute he is with his smile, and his dimples, and his mesmerizing eyes. *slaps herself* I'm making myself sick. Nick this, Nick that. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

03/21/2004 - 12:50PM
I was unexplainably horny last night, and all I wanted was to drive down to Nick's and just have a fun romp, but he was out and about so I just sat at home and waited it out. I never realized how much I'm attracted to him sexually until I can't have it anymore. So I've attributed my unexpected raging hormones to the fact that I might have been ovulating, because lo and behold, I wake up this morning, and... I'm bleeding. SCORE! If I'm really not pregnant, I vow here and now that if Nick gives us a second chance, I'm going to go on birth control religiously. Oh, Nicky, there's so much I'd change for you just to be with you again. And I know everybody says that, but I didn't appreciate how lucky I was to be with you. And I thought you didn't appreciate me, when the whole time, I was the lucky one to have such a great guy. *sigh* *hugZ* Mommy's home. Maybe I'll walk Robby today. Wheeeeeee.

3:21PM
I walked Robby, and he attacked me toward the end of the walk. He's such a cutie. A cutie that needs to be trained, but a cutie, nonetheless. I'm looking for a trainer right now online that might tackle the impossible task.

Kevin (Bri Pie's friend) who Kevin and I go clubbing with (confusing cuz now there are 2?)... He's the one on the right side of the pic between the 2 random girls in the St. Patty's Day pic. Well he messaged me and we were talking, and he was telling me how him and Bri will always look out for me at Bar Baltimore, and I thought that was so nice. =)

Likk My Butthole: I wanted to thank you and Bri for looking out for me everytime.
Likk My Butthole: You guys rock.
Kevin: hey .. like i told brian
Kevin: i love u like my sister.. u have been so nice and all since we met so i would do anything for u to make sure u safe ok.... just likeu my sis and he said the same thing
Kevin: my boy greg who was with us last time was bitching cuz we were with u off n on and not dancing trying to be like him n get "ass" but we were like fuck u man.. she comes first man... just like her friend kevin man.. we cool together n look out for eachother n shit wont change cuz u here
Kevin: shit i almost got in 3 fights for u
Kevin: brian called my cell to get these guys away from u at the bar
Likk My Butthole: Yeah, I don't like dancing with guys, and some guys can't understand that.
Likk My Butthole: Well, I want you guys to have fun!!!
Likk My Butthole: You don't have to sacrifice fun just to look out for me. :-)
Kevin: we take turns looking out for u and kevin lol

It's awsome that I have a little group that I go with now. =)

So it's official. I'm bleeding. I'm not pregnant. And you know what? I feel sooooo... relieved. I told Nick, but he hasn't messaged me back with any comments or anything. I feel as if I've been given a second chance at life. It was so stressful to think that I might be pregnant. Thank you, to the force up above, for giving me a second chance at life. *hugZ*

5:57PM
I'm anticipating eating Pho tonight. I can smell it, taste it already. MMMMMMM... Pho helps make me feel better when I'm pining for Nicky, hehe. I just went to play with Robby (my doggy) in his room. I wish he could be calm like a normal little doggy. Even though he's no normal little doggy. I wonder what he thinks about when he just sits in his room alone. Do you think that he thinks about stuff? =) I wonder what he thinks about me.

10:58PM
Theodore: I think the reason you want nicky back so much is because you didnt feel lonely with him
Theodore: yes but you depended on him
Theodore: for your happiness
Theodore: and now that hes not here
Theodore: you have no one to depend on
Theodore: so say you do end up back with him
Theodore: things dont change
Theodore: if you end up breaking up
Theodore: you're alone again
Theodore: its better to take this time now and "overcome" that
Theodore: so next time you are with someone or him
Likk My Butthole: I just want him in my arms again.

missmeyli: But maybe he didn't like me as much as he thought he did.
missmeyli: I could send you letters and IMs from way back when that would make you wanna cry.
missmeyli: It seemed like he adored me to the most that anyone can be adored.
missmeyli: And now, like... chopped liver?
missmeyli: lol
missmeyli: *shrugs*
missmeyli: I don't think of him badly at all, though.
AnonymousFTP: maybe it was infatuation
missmeyli: Perhaps.
AnonymousFTP: infatuation dies out over time
missmeyli: That sucks.
missmeyli: I guess that's what it was.
AnonymousFTP: yeah, i'd assume so
AnonymousFTP: i've been infatuated before
AnonymousFTP: and that's how it ends
missmeyli: But I feel like I'm suffocating in adoration for this guy.
missmeyli: Like he's everything I look for in a guy.
missmeyli: Because everything I look for in a guy, is me, I guess.
missmeyli: And if I were a guy, he's who I'd be.
missmeyli: Personality wise.
AnonymousFTP: yeah, but the heart is such a tricky thing
missmeyli: BOOOOOO
missmeyli: I know.
AnonymousFTP: his absence makes you grow even fonder
missmeyli: Indeed!
AnonymousFTP: meyli, i guess that you'll never get over him
AnonymousFTP: because you haven't found closure
AnonymousFTP: and he's not helping you
missmeyli: How do I find closure?
missmeyli: Well I want us to be friends.
missmeyli: Like hang out every once in a while.
missmeyli: We said that even if we broke up that I'd still be down there every weekend.
missmeyli: And it's been two weeks and I've barely talked to him, much less seen him.
AnonymousFTP: so are you feeling better
missmeyli: Yeah, a little.
missmeyli: Just takes time, I guess.
missmeyli: I guess when he's ready, he'll start calling me and stuff.
missmeyli: I feel like I could change so much so Nicky would like me again.
missmeyli: I wanna IM him and be like "we can have sex twice a day! Everyday!"
missmeyli: I'll do anything, lol.
missmeyli: I just miss him.
AnonymousFTP: lol..did he want sex more than you?
missmeyli: Well during wintertime, my sex drive is low to nonexistent.
AnonymousFTP: is that why he stopped liking you?
missmeyli: And our goodbye sex two weeks ago was... amazing.
missmeyli: I dunno.
missmeyli: He didn't think of me as a sex object.
missmeyli: He genuinely adored me.
AnonymousFTP: lol@goodbye sex
AnonymousFTP: you two over do it
AnonymousFTP: so funny
missmeyli: I miss him like hell now.
AnonymousFTP: and that's what he wants you to do
AnonymousFTP: miss him like crazy
AnonymousFTP: bow down Meyli
missmeyli: So what do I do?
missmeyli: When will he want me back?
AnonymousFTP: depends...
AnonymousFTP: on his priorities
AnonymousFTP: and where you fit in
missmeyli: You're right.
missmeyli: You're always right.

11:42PM
Everytime Nicky signs on, I wait for him to say hi to me or ask me how I'm doing. And... he doesn't. So I message him, and then he kind of makes me feel like I'm bothering him. I don't want to end up like one of those girls he ignores on purpose and just doesn't talk to. I thought I meant more to him than that, and that we'd always be a presence in each other's lives. =\

Likk My Butthole: I hope I don't end up like Margaret. :-\
Nicky: I still talk to margaret
Likk My Butthole: But you never hang out with her and stuff.
Likk My Butthole: And you don't talk to her as much as I'd like to talk to you.
Likk My Butthole: :-\
Nicky: Sorry
Likk My Butthole: Why are you sorry?
Likk My Butthole: I just feel really confused.
Likk My Butthole: Cuz I don't know what to think.
Likk My Butthole: I know I bother you a lot, but I just want us to hang out sometime. Or for you to IM me every now and then. I remember how you said that I was a big part of your life and that even if we broke up, you didn't want to lose that. :-\
Likk My Butthole: I just want you to let me know how I feel instead of me trying to guess.
Likk My Butthole: how you feel, I mean
Likk My Butthole: I know it's hard for you to express.
Nicky: I duno how I feel
Likk My Butthole: No idea?
Nicky: I'm happy...
Likk My Butthole: I'm glad that you're happy.
Likk My Butthole: Do you think maybe you feel that you're happy because I'm not in your life?
Nicky: I don't know
Likk My Butthole: And that's why you don't want me in your life?
Nicky: I just feel free..
Likk My Butthole: I'm not trying to burden you, baby.
Likk My Butthole: I just miss seeing you.
Likk My Butthole: Hearing your voice.
Likk My Butthole: Talking to you.
Likk My Butthole: Anything.
Likk My Butthole: Do you think one day in the future you will tell me how you feel when you figure it out?
Nicky: I can't predict the future
Likk My Butthole: I know.
Likk My Butthole: But if you figure out how you feel, I'd like you to let me know.
Nicky: ok
Likk My Butthole: I won't bug you anymore.
Likk My Butthole: But just know that I am thinking about you, and I wish that we could talk or hang out or something sometime. Anything.
Nicky: I know..
Likk My Butthole: And when you are ready, you can call me or IM me or do whatever to get in contact with me.
Nicky: I know..
Likk My Butthole: :-\
Likk My Butthole: Why do I feel like my heart is breaking all over again... :-(
Nicky: I don't know
Likk My Butthole: I'm sorry.
Likk My Butthole: I guess I just figured that we'd still be like that.
Nicky: I just need my time
Likk My Butthole: Okay, I'm sorry.
Likk My Butthole: *hugZ*
Likk My Butthole: Goodnight.
Nicky: Night

03/22/2004 - 12:11AM
This has made me feel infinitely sad, hopeless, and even more pathetic. The fact that I have been going through a nervous breakdown, worried about pregnancy and everything, and that he hasn't really given a shit (it's not his place to, but... still.. he's human, isn't he?). Maybe he's not the great guy I thought he was. =\ I'm such a stupid fuckin' little baby. I wish I could just kick the shit out of myself.

I was looking for this story I wrote about 2.5 years ago, when I stumbled upon this 2 page handwritten letter. I wrote it on May 21st, 2001, and I had given up all hope. I was writing it as I was taking pills and getting ready to fall asleep forever. Clearly, it didn't work, and I ended up being sent to ER to get everything out of my system (after my housekeeper found me and called Evey and Hannah to come over). Subsequently, the 2 weeks in the hospital are so blurry in my head that I've forced everything out of memory. I can't believe how selfish I was for trying to take my own life at such a young age. In the letter, it says how much my mom will be glad that I'm dead, and if only I had known then that if I had really died, it would have broken her little heart. She's already lost my dad. It's the least I can do to stick it out and be here for her. If I had died, where would Robby be? I would have missed out on so many experiences. I guess all the heartbreak and disappointment have been worth experiencing, because when it comes down to it, these are all a part of life. And life is one of the things that we should all treasure, because you really only get one shot at it.

And now all this nonsense begins to make sense. Why pine after somebody who certainly isn't pining after you? I didn't cry tonight after that conversation with Nick because... simply, I can't let myself anymore. I can't let myself cry myself to sleep night after night, missing his embrace and everything about him. I deserve better than this. And I need to allow myself to search for better than this. It will be hard, but if Nick and I were destined to be again somewhere down the line... we will be. He will always have a special place in my heart, simply because I have never met anybody like him who has fulfilled my life in such a unique and special way. True, the next guy will have a lot to live up to, and I won't settle for less. If there is a guy better than Nick, please give me the strength to search for him and to open my heart again. I've noticed that it's when you're NOT looking, that you find special people. I sure wasn't looking for a relationship when Nicky and I found each other. (shut the fuck up already)

I'm going to spend some time by myself. Thinking about what I would like and what I wouldn't like in my next relationship. I shouldn't need a significant other to feel whole and complete. *takes a deep breath*

Please God, give me the strength to suck it up and survive another day.

Found this from an old entry:
"November 14th, 2003 - Nicky and I decide that we'll give this "relationship" thing a try. It's been a little over a month, and I've never met anybody like him. He makes me smile when I am sad, and makes me laugh when I am angry... *sigh*... Must be something in the air..."

I honestly do believe that Nicky is genuinely a good person with a good heart, and that he won't just shove me out of his life. I understand that he needs time and space, and when he's ready to be my friend, he'll tell me. This is the man who I've devoted 6 months of my life to, and I'm not going to let him disappear out of my life forever. We're going to be friends, good ones, at that. Maybe not now, but definitely later down the line. He is a great guy with a great heart, and I know he won't let me down.

8:04AM
Last night as I was going to bed, I thought to myself... "it's okay, Meyli... just give him time and space, and in a couple days, weeks, maybe even months (???? =(...), he'll call you or message you and you guys can hang out as friends again." But the thing is, I know how Nicky is with the rest of the girls that he used to hook up with or like, I dunno... I don't want to be like that with him. And then I cried myself to sleep, because I KNEW I'd be waiting on forever and he'll never call me just to say hi. And he'll never message me to see how I'm doing. This is Nick we're talking about. Not all the crazed fans on AIM. I cross my fingers and hope to God that I am different, and that he cares about me more than the others. I'm not begging for him to take me back, but I just want him to be my friend. Go to ECB meets and dinners like we used to. I miss seeing him. Contrary to what he may think, it really takes a toll on my heart and my brain when I'd get to see him, at least during the weekends, and talk to him everyday... and now he has just... disappeared out of my life. Or at least, he wants me to disappear out of his. =\ I wish he could read these entries, with an open heart and an open mind. And send me a message and say "you think I don't care, but I do, I just need time... please don't be sad". Anything. I just miss him so much. He's fading from my memory. I looked at a picture of us together the other day, and it was like looking at a picture of me with some random guy. I don't want him fading from my memory. Please, God, I'll never ask you for anything ever again. I just need Nicky in my life. You can take my car, you can take all my money, my clothes, everything. Funny how this reminds me of the time Nick said he'd burn 5 M3's to have me. I don't think I'm going to be writing in here anymore because it just makes me more and more sad and lose hope. Hopefully the next entry will be when Nick contacts me again. And we get to hang out as friends.... =\

12:24PM
I had such a weird dream. Nick invited me over to his house, but his house was this HUGE mansion. But before we went, he wanted to stop by the pool, so I could change?? And I remember leaving my notebook and my clothes in the poolhouse. Then we went inside his house and Evey was there and this black girl. And it was like we were all competing for his attention. Evey didn't know him. I was his ex. And the black girl had liked him for a while. And then all his relatives came over (but they were white) and they all gave me presents cuz I wasn't pregnant? And then we left. I remember the notebook, and how much I needed it, but I had to leave. I was on some kind of show were it was like the Inferno or the Gauntlet. And our mission was to drive these bikes and cars with manual transmissions down to one end of the road and back. And do it in the quickest times. And some of the bikes were nice, there was a red Ferrari, a lot of nice cars, some shitboxes. You had to run to what you wanted. My partner was Eric. And when the time came, I didn't know what he ran to, so I just put on this yellow helmet, but the guy with the yellow bike already took off. So I didn't get to do anything, and I watched everyone go and come back. And then I read this thing from Nick and it said that he liked this new girl, but he missed me and had kept a NOTEBOOK of stuff to write to me and he wanted to give it to me. And as I read it, my eyes welled up, and there was wind blowing all around from the bikes and all the nice cars coming back. I don't know what this could mean.

I'm still a little disoriented from the dream, but Nick has given me permission to send the friend letter to him. I hope he reads it and realizes that we both want the same thing and that I just want us to be friends again. The Nick in my dreams and the Nick in real life are so different. I don't resent Nick in real life. I am glad that he is happy. But I can't be happy until I can be his friend again and get to see him and hang out with him. =) I'm hoping he will at least grant me this, if nothing else. I just want to be his friend. =)

2:12PM
I really hope that Nick is still this great guy that I keep saying he is, and not the monster in my dreams. I'm starting to develop delusional feelings of fear towards him because of the power he holds over me in my dreams. I wish he knew that just getting to hang out with him or see him again would make me feel a lot better. I'm not trying to get back with him. I just miss his company. I could go down to pick up some of my brother's XBOX things from him and we could talk and hang out and stuff. I dunno. I just need a hug.

5:20PM
Someone is coming tomorrow at 1:30 to evaluate Robby in terms of training him. I'm glad I'm getting something done this spring break.

I wonder how many times the word 'Nick' would appear if you searched all of my journal entries. Today my friend called me but the connection was shitty and I couldn't hear, and I was like "who is this!" and he said "Nick!" and I got so happy but lost connection, but then they called my house phone and it wasn't Nick. What a horrible joke.

7:49PM
I'm smothering him, and scaring him away. I need to quit it. And when he's ready, he'll message me or call me. WOOOOOOOOSAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Stay calm, Meyli. I don't want to be an annoyance, but it's hard. *sigh*

03/23/2004 - 12:48AM
I think I'm okay. =) I just need to stop bothering him and annoying him, and given the time and space, he'll start messaging me and calling me to be my friend again. =) And everything will be just like it used to be.

03/24/2004 - 12:02AM
I've been enlightened. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Why, you might ask? Let me just run through my day for you. =) Well, yesterday.

I woke up pretty early to take Rex into VOB BMW for a few repairs and normal service things. As usual, my service guy hit on me. But it was alright cuz my brother was there, so it wasn't as bad. We then went home and I slept for a little bit. I awoke at around 12 to go eat and play with Robby until the trainer came at 1:30. Robby chased tennis balls for a while, only bringing them back to me when he saw fit, and then he attacked me (what else is new). I wore these cute pink sneakers that Nick bought me and they're so comfortable. I'm definitely gonna be taking these back to school with me, heh! The trainer arrived and my mother was unsurprisingly rude to him. He showed us some exercises to keep doing with Robby, and I plan on practicing them with Robby tomorrow. He left and I went back inside. Tiffany called, and I took Adam's Rx8 to go pick her up. After I got back, I went online for a while. Then took a nap. Before I took a nap though, I went over to the foyer and picked up this little teddy bear that's lookin' a little too loved over time. His name is BearTown and Nick gave him to me months ago to look after and take care of. And that's what I intend to do. I put him next to Eddy Teddy on my bed so they coupld play. Hehe. I guess I really have to hold onto the things that Nick has given me, including faith and confidence in myself. My nap was good. I was sad cuz I wanted to sleep more.

I talked to Cyndi for a bit. She's really coming with me to Bar Baltimore this week. It makes me really happy. She was talking to me a little bit about me and Nick. And she said that Nick is more laid back, and I might be "too wild" for him. Which wasn't a factor I even thought about. She was like "you know how you and I are..." (which surprised me cuz it's flattering for her to consider me like her - she's really sweet and strong and confident). Which is pretty true, I guess. But opposites attract. And Nick is pretty wild too. He rides his bike like a nut, likes to have fun. I don't really consider myself "wilder" than him at all. I'm the one who never wanted to go out, lol. Oh well. It just gave me a new perspective to what's going on.

It was around 6:30 by then and Rex still hadn't returned so I gave Tyson a call and he said that Rex wouldn't be ready for a while, and I wouldn't be getting him back that day. Sad sad sad. *heart breaks* hehehe, funny how I get withdrawal from him when he's not here, but on the days that he is here, I never go anywhere at night anyway. I was supposed to go chill with Steve but it didn't look like that was going to happen since I had no ride.

I asked my mom if I could take her ML out and she asked where I was going and I said "to the mall" and she asked how long, and I said 30 minutes, so off I went. And of course, my Linkin Park CD's have been in the car since December when Nick and I used the car to move me out of my townhouse. So I was just driving up Seven Locks Road singing at the top of my lungs along to a song ... when I realized.. the song I was singing... well.... let me put it in perspective for you. Back when I was with Jonny, I would always listen to this song and think about how miserable I was. But now... the song was like Nick was singing, and I was the person he's singing about. It makes no sense. But let me post the lyrics.

Of course, Marco got all pissed cuz I was saying that I was the "bad person" in the song, and he didn't like me putting the blame on myself. But it's not a bad thing. I'm no longer sad, and I can see the whole picture now. And how much stress I was putting on Nick. And I didn't want Marco pissed off at me because for the past two weeks, he has been there for me every step of the way just trying to make me feel better. And for that, I am eternally indebted to him. He's having girlfriend problems, so I try to help. But I dunno how much help I can be when I'm in such an estranged marital status as of now. Haha. Speaking of which...

I bought some clothes at the mall. And I saw this one shirt that said "50% SINGLE". How can you be 50% single? What does that mean? I was utterly baffled. Heh.

I went home, did the usual. Ate dinner, watched TV (TOP MODEL SEASON FINALE!!!!!!!!). Went back on the computer. I talked about it a little more with Marco. He's glad that I'm no longer sad, but I'm assuming he still thinks I have a few screws loose in my head to be enlightened by Linkin Park songs. Linkin Park has ALWAYS inspired me and made me feel better. The only reason I wasn't able to listen to them during this whole ordeal is because the CD's were in my mom's car. Heh. I'm taking them all back after spring break, don't worry.

I talked to Steve who IM'ed me saying he was horny and I let him know that I'll always be his friend. I told him I wasn't really interested in anything more, but also that I'm not going to lose him as a friend. He was saying something about friends with benefits, but that just offends me. I then started discussing how there are some girls you look at and think "I wanna date her" and others that you look at and think "I wanna do her". And I'm sick of being the second. Which is why this hair color must GO! I look like a bimbo. lol. Yeah, so that's me venting. I'm going to spend this time being single and focusing on what's really important. I don't know what that is yet. But I guess I'll play it by ear. Only time will tell. =)

5:24PM
Yeah, so today was a pretty good day (compared to the rest of my days recently). I woke up pretty early. Took a nice shower. Went to play with Robby. Peter (S2K Peter) brought his jack russell terrier named Rabbit to come play with Robby and that was pretty fun except for when they fought cuz Rabbit ate some of Robby's food. I never realized how possessive he is over his own food. He doesn't even like his food. Someone's got to eat it. Yeah, so after they left... I played with Robby some more. Then went inside to eat and watch Days of Our Lives. After that, I came back to the computer and proceeded to fix/edit/create more of this webpage. Hardest task was typing up Victim of Reality which I'm sure has countless typos and errors that I'll have to fix later.

Steve IM'ed me saying "fuck Casey" (to which I replied, "I don't have the proper genitalia!", and told me that she misses her ex a lot and will probably get back with him. So I proceeded to say some stuff to him - none of which he wanted to hear. So he lashed out at me and told me to shut up, and how I think I know everything but I don't. Then he ran off somewhere. This irritated me. Not because I hate when people go hide behind an away message (get off the computer, Melly!!!! hahaha), but because I wasn't trying to piss him off or offend him. I'm not going to sugarcoat everything and tell him that life is great and everyone is happy. I'm going to speak my mind and be real. I know it's hypocritical because I'm experiencing the aftermath of a confusing breakup, but I never claimed to know everything. I was just giving him some things to think about. Oh well, he forgave me, I forgave him, whatever. Just know that if you come to me for advice or if you want me to listen, that I AM going to speak my mind and I won't hesitate to let you know something. Marco, for example, when he comes to ask me for advice on his relationship, I TELL him that the comments he makes to his girlfriend are stupid and uncalled for. I'm not trying to be mean. Uggggh. It's hard to explain. But to keep it succinct, I'm going to be honest with myself and honest with you. Whoever you may be.

Surprisingly, didn't think about Nick that much today. I truly think I was enlightened by those Linkin Park songs in the ML last night. You all can call me crazy or call me whatever you want, but I feel at peace. =) I can't wait to go to Bar Baltimore tomorrow with Cyndi. We're gonna have a blast. Bri Pie, Kev#1, Kev#2, Peter with the M3, and even Shana are gonna come through too. So it should be fun. =)

3/25/2004 - 2:56PM
Wow, today was a pretty cool day. I woke up after a neat dream (forgot what it was), and thought about how I should take out my contacts prior to sleeping more often because I seem to have consistently pleasant dreams when I sleep without my contacts. =) I let Robby out, and stood around while he chewed on a bone. It is absolutely GORGEOUS today. I went back onto my computer and tried to work on my site, ricing it out a bit (with animations and .gifs... ya know, the whole deal). I googled free .gifs and saved a bunch of them (backgrounds too) to use on my page. I talked to this guy Leo who I had met at the ECB meets. He's really cool. He has a silver C320 which is hooked up a bit and he has big plans for it in the future. I agreed to go to lunch with him at Montgomery Mall since I had to pick up a swimsuit from Water, Water, Everywhere anyway. So I'm on my way, la dee da, on 495 when I look in my rearview mirror and see him behind me. What timing. What timing, indeed. It was pretty cool. We parked and checked out each other's cars. I should have brought my camera. *slaps herself* Rex was lookin' super clean since he just got back from service yesterday and Tyson had him washed for me. We ended up eating Chik-Fil-A (BEST nuggets in the world) and talking about Nick, his ex, my lame ass website (he's a graphic designer, so my website must seem like cow shit to him, hahaha), and mostly about our cars. It's cool to have a Benz buddy in a world full of ricers. Even though I no longer have a Benz. =) He thought it was unique that I drive an M3, yet I'm this HUGE Benz fanatic. Not huge meaning I'm fat. ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING?! Heh. Yeah, it was fun. Then I had to go to work, but we raced around for like 30 seconds on the highway before I had to exit. So now I'm at work and just chillin' Trying to waste time. I have two more hours left. Normally when I have nothing to do, I write Nick a letter and mail it out, but things tell me Nick would be less than pleased to hear from me. La dee da!!!

I'm really excited for tonight! I can't wait to see Cyndi again. She's such a sweetheart. Things haven't been working out in her favor lately, and I really just wanna take her out tonight and let her have a good time. I'm not sure if she will, since it's kinda like... a lotta white people at this club. But we'll see. Klarkee says Cyndi has a good time anywhere she can shake her booty, hehe! So after work today, I have to go fill Rex up with some gas (even though he's not going out tonight) and then go back to the mall to pick up the swimsuit. Maybe get more shopping done. I've found the perfect outfit already two days ago, but I mnight save it for next week and wear something not so attention-getting. Since Cyndi will be with me this week, and Cyndi will prolly get a lot of attention. Hehe. No one believes me when I tell them she's such a great dancer, but she really is. Everytime I go to a club, I think of how Cyndi dances and I try to imitate it. Only a couple more hours until Bar Baltimore! Sad how this is the highlight of my spring break... Heh.

So last night was really fun. We had an E46 chatroom again and this time, Anonymous graced us with his presence. Not to mention Jason, Marco, Frankie, and I'm sure I'm forgetting other people. They were poking fun at me because I had mistaken Frankie to be the guy with the white M3 on E46. But in reality, Frankie has an E36. Well, let me put it in context. About a month ago, Frankie messaged me for some relationship advice. Glancing at his screen name, it looked familiar because there is a Frankie on the board with a sn like his. I would have helped him out regardless. But Jason was making it seem like I only helped him out because I thought it was Frankie with the white M3. So everytime I see Jason, I'm like "Hi Jason!" and he says "I'm not Jason with the M3". LOL! So they were poking fun at me, as usual, and I said "Oh, I only give advice to those whose cars are $40K+. If your car is worth less than that, you'll have to look elsewhere for advice." Something like that. I said that as a joke! And they started copying and pasting it in their sigs on E46, their blogs, in the chatroom, etc. Dork faces. Then they started saying online people with nice cars get webcam signs. Cuz Marco got two. And Jason got one, so he was unsatisfied. He was saying how for every 10K your car is worth, you get a webcam sign from me. And I was like "so your car is worth 10K, since you got one webcam sign?" and he said "to you, maybe." *gasp* Haha. Good times. I love my E46 peeps. I wish I could chat with them all on the forum, but alas, I cannot. <3 *blows a kiss*

I don't know what else to write about to waste time. *thinks* Nope. Nothing too important on the brain... Toodles!

3/28/2004 - 7:08PM
Yeah, so Cyndi didn't really have a good time at the club. Too white for her, I guess. Heh. But I'm glad that she came with me. She is such a sweetie.

Friday was a pretty cool day for me. Robby got groomed in the morning. I went to the Goldwell Hair Audition and I got picked to be part of Glamour Rock. It was cool cuz the girl Alexa was like "how do you like your blonde?" (in her cool German accent) and I said I hate it. And she smiled. And then wrote me down. AWESOME, yo. They called me and told me to come on Saturday at 2PM to get my color done. Neato-cheeto. So I was supposed to go hang out with some people Friday night, but I spent the night sitting online (what else is new) just chilling. The Jason, Marco, and Meyli Conspiracy was uncovered while I was waiting for Klarkee, Cyndi, and David to hit up Starbucks. They called me when they got there, and I got my ass off the computer and rolled up there. It was fucking packed. So many people there. We saw Moe, Ben with the red M3, Bret, Bobby, Justin, Cyrus, so many old school people I hadn't seen in a long time. But then the cops made everyone leave cuz some idiot did a burnout. So off I went.

Saturday was EXHAUSTING, to say the least. I don't quite remember what I did prior to leaving for the hairshow. Maybe I played with Robby? I dunno. But I drove about 45 minutes to get to Goldwell headquarters. Where I waited for about 90 minutes. When they finally started on me, Alexa told this other lady what she wanted done. So 2 hours later, it was finished. But I guess the lady didn't do it right. They had to apply this other shit to my hair to even it out. That took another hour. I had to go to the rehearsal with dye on my hair. It sucked. Then AFTER the rehearsal, it was like 8 and I was starving my ass off, but we had to finish my hair. So I didn't get to leave until like 9. Jeeez. I stopped by the Exxon and Burger King on my way home to get gas and food. And then made my way to Starbucks to meet up with Cyndi and Donny. It was fun again. PACKED AGAIN! It was fun. The 16 year old with the Hennessy Viper was there. And I saw these guys driving around like dumbasses in a silver 528. And then they were trying to do a burnout, but to no avail. A couple days later, the owner of the 528 messaged me. And I sure gave it to him on how stupid he looked driving around 20 times. He said when he parks, people key his car. I see.... Anyway. The funniest part of that night was probably when I saw LEO (buddy with the Benz!) and I got excited and gave him a big hug and he gave me this look like I was nuts (huh?). And then these three people with him looked at me funny, and he said "ummm... Meyli, this is my brother, his wife, and my girlfriend". LOL! Ummm... WTF. I wasn't trying to date him or anything, but it just seemed like during our one hour eating Chik-Fil-A, he conveniently forgot to mention anything about his CURRENT girlfriend. He talked about his ex a whole lot. But not one word about his current girlfriend. Hmmmmm.... =P hehe. Ahhh well. We took some pics. Ben with the M3 rolled up. He couldn't figure out where to park. I left early cuz I had to get up early for the hair show the next day (rehearsal at 5:30AM, meaning Belly has to LEAVE her house at 4:30). Jeeeeez. Ah well.

Needless to say, the show was a success. It was god awful sitting in the salon waiting to get out makeup done. I sat around from... probably 8:30-2:30 not doing shit. Because Glamour Rock didn't go on until 2:30. *sigh* I hate waiting. They cut my hair onstage. Now it's all short. I dunno what I think about it yet, but it sure is a change. Then I came back to campus. My laundry bag was heavy as shit. I parked my car after having moved everything out of it into my room. On my way back, I saw Steve and Mike and they were like "is that her?" cuz my hair was so different. They say they like it, but who knows. =P hehehe. Well I'm going to go eat. ttyl.

03/30/2004 - 12:47AM
Holy shit.... it's me.

03/31/2004 - 5:07PM
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Look what Cyndi made!!!!

04/02/2004 - 2:25PM

Talk about a crazy week.

I can�t recall the last time I updated... Wednesday? Not sure. Well... this whole week, I have been eating with Debbie and her friends. They are a nice bunch, and I�m actually beginning to enjoy my time here (as hard as it may be to believe). Things with Steve have been the usual this week... him sweating Casey, me talking to him about Casey... etc. Just when things looked as if they might be working out for him, she got back with her ex. He�s been doing pretty well this week at not ignoring me. I�m proud of him. Heh. Every night, he�ll stop by my room and scare the shout out of me by opening the door really loud. HOLY SHIT, my boss� cat just scared the shit out of me.

Well anyways, so last night, the plan was to go to Bar Baltimore. Debbie watched me while I got ready and I was teaching her makeup and hair tricks. She truly is such a sweetheart. :) Bri Pie ended up not being able to go because Kevin had to work two shifts. Eh. I guess I�ll see them next week, but I always have more fun when they go. Kev brought his other friend Brian instead, but took so f-in� long to get ready, we didn�t arrive at the club until 12. And our normal plan is to get there at 10:30 (at the latest). Sheesh. While I waited for Kev, Debbie and I played on the computer. We went on my webcam for Marco, and that was pretty fun. Finally, Kevin arrived and I bid Deb adieu and we parted our separate ways.

The club was pretty fun. Kevin got us on the guest list, but apparently, guest list was only valid until 11, so we had to pay to get in. AND wait in the long line. We saw Kev�s friend Jill who I went to Bar with in November one time. Upon entering the club, I immediately jumped on the bar and started dancing. This is what I look forward to every week. Just being in my own little world, dancing. *yay* Anyways, this bartender guy, Chris (I think), was being really cool to me. I introduced myself to him. I was lookin� for Tom, but some people told me he called in sick (we find out later that he�s no longer working at Bar... *tear*). Chris handed me a shot of something purple, and for some odd reason, I drank it like it was water or apple juice, and started choking on it. Good thing I had a water handy. I probably had about 6-7 more shots of those throughout the night (and yes, I drank the others like shots, not apple juice). The night was pretty fun. I saw that guy Peter with the E36 M3 (Pho, anyone?), and his friends. I hopped off the bar twice over the course of the night to see what was up with them. The music was even worse than last week. Like... it was good. But not good club music. I wish I could be a DJ just so I could play stuff that actually gets people pumped. I mean, they played Linkin Park - In The End, and 2 Limp Bizkit songs. And if I hear that Usher song ONE MORE FRIGGIN� TIME, I swear I will shove my fist up somebody�s ass. Perhaps even my own. For real, yo. I was surprised that played �Freak-A-Leek� by Petey Pabol. I like that song a lot. How ya like it, daddy? Heh. What was I saying? Yeah, so the night was alright. I really would have had more fun if Bri Pie and Kevin had come. But it�s okay. I had a good time, nonetheless.

Upon leaving the club, Kev�s friend Brian was driving... and I swear, I thought we were going to die. He made a left turn, and was about to go onto the train tracks! LMAO! Oh my god! Kevin surely wasn�t driving, and I couldn�t walk straight, so he had to drive. So they dropped me off and I went inside... it was probably 2:30. I saw Steve, T-Jizz, and Kyle. I kinda jumped onto Steve and gave him a big hug and he kinda had to hold me up cuz I wasn�t really sure if my legs worked. He was pretty drunk as well. He then went outside to smoke a cigarette. I talked to T-Jizz and Kyle about what I had to drink, and about the ridiculous THREE parking tickets I found on my car. BIATCHES. What is campus police thinking? And to think they TOUCHED my Rex to put the tickets on the car. Poor Rexxy. Ah well. I then went outside and talked to this Korean guy who�s part of one of the UMBC frats TKE. And he was telling me he hates Asians, but he thought I was pretty. Very nice of him. I then sat on the ledge and just watched people smoke and talk. Everyone left cuz Harbor Hall reported a noise disturbance. So it was just me and Steve on the ledge. And we were talking, and I was going through his wallet (this to the best of my memory). Then we saw Kent and Q walking to the dining hall and I was like �KENT!!!!!!!!!� cuz I hadn�t seen him since before spring break. And he�s like �Whoa, Meyli! Your hair!� And he was telling us all about the skanks in Florida. And I said there�s more to life than girls gone wild. And Steve said �no, there�s really not.� Heh. So then we wanted to go inside or something, but the building was kinda spinning around my head and I couldn�t get down by myself. Steve saw Debbie and he yelled DEBBIE!!!!! and then I saw her and I said DEBBIE!!!! She stopped and looked around. Then Steve carried me off of a ledge into the lounge and we sat around and talked for a while. It was really fun. Alicia came by to get a snack and she talked to us for a bit too. Then these two guys came by and I don�t remember what I said to them, but I think they were making sex references I didn�t get. Then me, Debbie, and Steve went up to my room cuz I really had to pee. I didn�t know my roomie was gonna be in the room... I guess I kinda assumed she was sleeping over at her ex�s house (her and Steve broke up! *gasp*). Yeah, so then we all sat on my bed and talked. We talked about Chris (Debbie�s man), Steve going to Salisbury, Casey, some other shit. I don�t really remember, Debbie left at around 4. And Steve and I just laid in my bed talking to each other. I just remember it being really nice and cozy... and the next thing I knew, we were kissing. Really soft gentle kisses, it was really nice. I felt bat that my roomie had to be in the room for that. At one point, he got on top of me, and I could feel his... ya know... pressing against me. *gasp* Wow, I feel so... I don�t know. Hehe, I really liked how we just laid there talking, in each other�s arms. Talking about what we thought of each other. How we met. All that stuff. He really is a sweet guy, but I know I�m not ready for a relationship, and especially not ready to get attached to somebody who isn�t going to be here next year. Ya know? Also, I don�t like feeling like a last resort just cuz Casey is back with her ex... hehe... Things are confusing. He is my best friend on campus, and I hope that last night won�t make things weird. I saw him this morning when he came up to my room to get his keys, and he gave me a big hug.

My shower didn�t work this morning, so Debbie let me use hers. And I was singing to myself, lalalala, with my eyes closed, shampooing my hair - when I open my eyes and there was dark red all over the walls of the shower, the shower curtain, and the floor!!! Oh my god. I guess the red in my hair was leaking out? When I was done, it looked like the exorcist has passed through Deb�s shower. I felt bad but she was really sweet about it. Then I went back to my room, got ready, and left.

On the way down to my house, I was about... 2 minutes away from a big car accident. And the entire highway just STOPPED. It appeared that a car had collided with an 18 wheeler, ignited... I dunno, the car was on fire. The 18 wheeler was sideways, and everyone had to merge over all into just the right lane. I wish I had my camera.

Tonight is this Fair Lakes big car meet. I�m planning on rolling down with my BMW peoples. I�ll call up Cyndi and see what she wants to do, since I think she might feel left out in that group. I�m really looking forward to it because I had such a good time in Riceville the prior weekend... but I�m a little nervous because the night Nicky and I broke up, we went to the monthly Fair Lakes car meet... I might see him and become overwhelmed with feelings... Does that make sense? It sounds like I like Steve, but the fact of the matter is, my heart longs for Nicky. And I wish I could make my heart shut up, because it is hard to pine after somebody who certainly isn�t pining after you. One thing Steve said last night... was that it�s a really big turn off how I always talk about Nick. And I guess, it is. Why wouldn�t it be? I�m not aware that I talk about him that much... hehe. Oh well. PEACE.

04/04/2004 - 7:17PM

Last night was pretty fun. I went to Mike�s over in Erickson and drank with him, Casey, Steve, Steve, Kate, Joe, Brandon... I�m sure I�m forgetting people. Casey is a really cool chick - I can totally see why Steve is head over heels for her. :) After that, we stumbled across the street to my room where Steve went down to Casey�s room to say hey to Chris. He came back to my room and laid on my bed. We kissed for a little while, but then he kinda drifted off... I woke him up about 15 minutes later to make him drink some water. I needed to get him back to his room and he kinda got pissed off about it. I walked to his room and basically just let his guard down and just told me everything. I saw a new side to him - and to be honest, I knew it was there all along. He unleashed his frustrations about always being �number 2" to everyone, his friends, just whatever was on his mind. [Edit: How can he possibly think he will come first to other girls when he doesn�t put anyone first besides Casey (who he is almost officially second to after she gets back with her boyfriend). Ideologically, it doesn�t make sense...] I think after last night, yes, I see him in a whole new light and understand that there�s more to him than meets the eye. But I�m not going to add to his unhappiness and his drama. It sounds like a bullshit way out, but he needs somebody who will always be there for him as a friend. That�s what he needs. He shouldn�t have to go to someone to talk about me. Because there isn�t going to be conflict or drama or whatever. This is what needs to be done.

I woke up this morning at around... 7:30. Immediately I headed straight to the bathroom to pee. And as I was on the toilet, my eyes kinda welled up and my legs began to shake and I just keeled over and threw up on the bathroom mat. Uggggh. And my legs were shaking more intensely, my throat was having convulsions, and I threw up again. It was so fuckin� nasty. Cuz it was sour and shit from the Triple Black. Oh my god. And I did my best to clean it up, but I knew it was there. Sad sad day in MellyLand.

I had such a weird weird dream. It had something to do with me going to the parking garage to go to Have a Nice Day caf�. I called Kevin and he was in Bethesda? Playing soccer? He said he�d swing by later. I called Bri Pie and he said him and Kevin were already there, but that he didn�t know if it was a 1$ cover for singles?? Then I saw this guy in a silver M3 convertible. And people kept coming over to talk to me about my car. Then I had to walk around the parking garage and I kept bumping into people. And I ran into the ice skating rink by accident and had to grab this little girl to stabilize myself. Then this security guard was like �I need to talk to you RIGHT NOW� and it was about my modeling or something. And he was asking me about DreamCast in people�s cars. And this other Asian girl was watching a DVD. And then it turned to a stadium and we were like in a class watching dancers? I asked this guy if I could borrow a pencil and he said �NO� but then the girl smiled at me and took my arm and gave me the pencil. She led me away and asked if I was a teacher�s aide, and I said no. She looked disappointed and left. Then it turned into my dorm except our bathroom had a sunken jacuzzi and I was talking to my suitemates about how pretty they are. Amanda was trying to clean the bathroom mat (that I hurled on). I don�t remember much else. Weird dream.

I woke up and took a quick shower. Got dressed, headed over to Mommy�s house to get Robby trained. Before I left, I told Casey to take care of Steve. Stupid Daylight Savings. I lost an hour out of my life. Yep, the wind is unbelievable today. I froze my testicles off. Robby did pretty good. I need to practice with him. Then I went to Giant & CVS with my mom and got her to buy me some makeup and a curling iron and pringles. MWAHAHA. Hehe. I need to write her a thank you letter. I headed back up to campus, seeing Mike, Casey and Steve on the way up to my dorm. Casey asked me to join them for dinner. So that�s where I just got back from. Steve was working at the front desk, and on the way in, I asked how his paper was going... and I read a little bit of it, and he snapped at me like �could you NOT read my paper?� and I gave him this look and said �whoa, homie...� (Well, I hope I didn�t say that, but I really might have). And then just walked away. I really don�t like being snapped at. Oh well. So now it�s 7:30 and I have a shitload of studying to do for tomorrow�s environmental science test. I don�t even know where to begin. Honestly. *sigh* Holla back.

03/06/2004 - 12:10AM

So I got really bored today and curled my whole head for lack of anything better to do. I should have been studying for my music test...

Wow, I am pretty fed up with trying to guess what is going on with this boy. We decided on Saturday (drunk of course, but it still stands) that we'd be friends and just that. Stop hookin' up or whatever. Then I see him Sunday night, and he looks hott as ever. And I'm like RAWR! He didn't remember anything from Saturday. So I reiterated everything for him. Then he left, and I haven't really seen him since. Granted, yes, we did decide to be just friends, and I'm not necessarily "pressed" on him... I just don't get him. Because I hear it from half the campus AND himself that he really likes me and blah blah blah, right? And then he ignores me every other day. I distinctly remember him being pretty upset about not being "number 1" to anyone... Maybe if he put others number 1, the feeling would be mutual? Is this some kind of new mind game? Ignoring girls you like? Cuz it sure is working! Haha, this must be a subsidiary of the continent: HARD TO GET. LMAO. Cuz it's true, I just don't get him. AND WHY IS MY COMPUTER SLOW AS BALLS. He tells me a lot that he feels like he doesn't have a chance with me (I really don't do anything to instigate this type of thinking...), and that he talks about me to other people. He said that it might feel like all he talks about is Casey, but to Casey it might feel like all he talks about is me (something I highly highly highly doubt). As much as you know that I don't like games (and I seriously thought I had gotten over him upon awakening hungover on Sunday... really, I did.), something irks me so frequently about this guy. The fact that he won't pay attention to me? lol. *punches the wall*

11:05AM
Hmmm... just got back from music test. I copied off Evey who copied off Danny, lol. *sigh* I've got their back for the next listening test. It was pretty funny cuz during the listening part, the guys behind us were like "Haydn, #4, Movement 3" hahaha. Guess you had to be there. I should have studied instead of decorating myself last night. *sigh*

So last night, right when I was typing that blurb about Steve, he came by my room to say hi. And he tried to read it! AHHHHH!!!! Dearest diary, you are the source of my deepest, darkest, and dirtiest thoughts - and no one is to read you except for me. And everyone else when I decide to put it on the page with the other memoirs. I thought it too personal for total strangers to be knowing everything currently. They can read the old ones to their heart's content, but this is my little blurb-hole... Anyways... so he came by and we spent the night cuddling and talking about the future, things that worry him. He said that physically, I am his ideal "hot" girl and I was telling him that I am undoubtedly attracted to him, but things are really confusing right now. I'm way too needy, and I don't think he'd be able to provide the attention I crave. We'll see what happens. Worse comes to worse, we remain good friends. Best case scenario, cuddle/kiss buddies. Heh. I really don't want a relationship, but... I like feeling... warm? Not alone? I baffle myself.

3:47PM
l3l MINA l3l: i dont know if you mean to do it or not but your copying and posing of my voting thing really is irratating. i dont know if you even know that you pose me but you always have and thats another reason i didnt care to loose you as a friend

Okay, Mina.

4:36PM
Eveykarter: dude, is your car the silver bmw with the meyli plates?
oomeylioo: Yepper.
oomeylioo: Why, someone hit me?
oomeylioo: j/k
Eveykarter: first off, thats a sweet ass ride
Eveykarter: but I saw like 4 tickets on it!!
oomeylioo: :-)
oomeylioo: Today?!
Eveykarter: yea dude
oomeylioo: There were mad ass tickets on it LAST WEEK
oomeylioo: HOLY SHIT
Eveykarter: I saw the plates and was like MELS???
oomeylioo: 3 tickets, right.
oomeylioo: And I looked at them on Sunday.
oomeylioo: And realized none of them were mine.
oomeylioo: Why are people putting their tickets on my car?
oomeylioo: The license plates aren't mine.
Eveykarter: they put em on the wrong car? lol
oomeylioo: And I don't have a Honda.
oomeylioo: No, cuz it's like from 3 different cars.
oomeylioo: Like people take them off theirs and put them on mine?
oomeylioo: LOL
oomeylioo: WTF
oomeylioo: I'm gonna install pepper spray nozzles.
oomeylioo: For anyone who approaches the wipers.
oomeylioo: haha
Eveykarter: thats kinda weird dude
oomeylioo: I guess I'll go look at him and take the tickets off.
oomeylioo: Later.
oomeylioo: hah
Eveykarter: we should camp out in your car and catch the offenders
oomeylioo: LOL
oomeylioo: Tint the windows real dark.
oomeylioo: GOTCHA!!!!!!!!
Eveykarter: yea
Eveykarter: mwah hahaha
Eveykarter: then run em over
Eveykarter: in my car cause its worth like 2 dollars
oomeylioo: I like your car.
oomeylioo: I wanted an Eclipse for the longest time.
oomeylioo: They're so cute.
oomeylioo: I just wanna go over and hump 'em.
Eveykarter: i wanted your car for forever!!

6:33PM
My computer is running slow as balls. I think I have a virus or two because the cursor will move on its own.

o4/08/2004 - 5:24PM
Wow. So yesterday I had one of the best days in a long time. It was 70 degrees, absolutely GORGEOUS out. I woke up. Rolled out of bed and went straight to class all bummed out. Went back to my room. Chilled for a lil, met up with Casey, Mike, Steve, Jessica, Chris, Chris, Amanda, and Sid for lunch. It was a cool lunch. Chris cut the middle out of his cookie. He said it was his major, lol. I said my major was smiley faces. He said we should merge our businesses and I could draw smiley faces on the cookies and he could cut them out! Genius! I'm going to give the smiley face on my window a body with tits and all. It was a really fun lunch.

So then afterwards we walked back to the Peake and I saw Debbie and these two guys going to play football. Steve and Mike wanted to join so I invited Debbie and Amanda to come watch them with us. It was such a beautiful day. Debbie and I had a good heart to heart about Steve. It was funny cuz we were on the sidewalk and this truck was driving up on the sidewalk and I was like "Debbie... Debbie!" and we had to rush and get up so we wouldn't get run over. There was also visiting seniors touring the campus and we'd keep yellin' out shit like "NICE ASS!" haha. We wanted to talk really loudly and curse about snorting cocaine, smoking a blunt, and have a wild orgy in the field. Such a fun bunch. We saw Kent walking and I ran up and gave him a hug and introduced him to Debbie who said "God damn, he's hott!!!". Afterwards, I went back to the dorm, did my roomie's hair and makeup, visited Dave in the bookstore to give him the class notes, and then went back to my room to chill. I was so bored off my ass, and it seemed like everybody was sleeping. Casey messaged me and told me to get my ass down to her room where we all hung out. We went to dinner where we all had to scream at each other because there was a band playing. The food sucked.

Afterwards 04/09/2004 - 12:43PM
I had the most amazing night last night. Let's start from the beginning...

Took my psychology test, think I did well. Walked back. Started putting on my makeup... la dee da. I'm watching Tru Calling when all of a sudden, I hear this noise... "eee ooo eee ooo eee ooo" like squeaky bed springs. I assume it's coming from next door... I run out into the hallway where Mike and Steve are (suspiciously!). I look at them with widened eyes and they run into my room to listen. They believe the noise is coming from the room above ours! We run in a giggled fit upstairs where exiting the stairwell, you can already hear the eee ooo eee ooo. We put our head against the door and hear a female moaning. I knock on the door three times, and we run our asses off back down into my room. The squeaking continues and lasts five more minutes. Haha. Interesting, to say the least. We part ways. I finish my makeup. I leave. I arrive at the club and stand around with Kevin. All the male staff are wearing schoolgirl outfits!!! LOL! I find Neal and talk to him. I meet this cute guy Bobby who bets me that at 11, it will be packed. If I win, I get a redbull. DEAL! I consumed 2 RedBulls and sat on the box while Kev's friends dance around me. Suddenly this cute guy comes up to me and says "hey baby, you need to get up and dance!" and flashes me a smile. I question his identity - "do I know you?". He points to himself and says "Jeremy from Road Rules!" My eyes widen, and I say "ohhhhhhh" and he gives me a big hug and tells me he'll find me later. I turn back to the group of girls and they all look at me like "omg, did that just happen?" Wow, he is GORGEOUS. 11 comes around and the club is only semi-packed. I go to find Bobby and he buys me a RedBull while we chat for a bit. He informs me that he is a cop and he is here with a bunch of cop buddies. Awesome! Hehe. He says that he sees me every week, but he never got the chance to talk to me. I give him a big hug and move along my merry way. I got on the bar and started dancing for the majority of the night. Probably 30 minutes later, Jeremy and Theo came onto the bar to give shots to the girls and he whispered into my ear "I told you I'd come find you". He asks my name, and I tell him. We dance, and he tells me I should come back to the bus with them after but I tell him I have to go right back to the dorm. (I dunno why?) He laughs and smacks my ass and moves down the bar to give chicks some free shots. I keep dancing... probably another 30 minutes go by and I see Jeremy pointing at me from the DJ booth, and making his way through the crowd with the camera guy. He helps me down from the bar, and says "will you kiss me?" and I'm like "wha--?!" and before I knew what was going on, he leaned down and started making out with me. I could not believe this was happening. It ended and he smiled at me, and I was like "whoa!!!" I did a dance around him (milkshake brings all the boys to the yard) and he looked at all the girls and said "all of you need to be more like Meyli" and I was absolutely flabbergasted that he remembered my name. Haha. I took a break and got back on the bar. 30 minutes later, they started auctioning off the guys, and I made my way to the DJ booth where I ran into ABE from Road Rules, and he looked at me and said "I've been waiting all night to meet you". !!!!!!! (&%)*@&)(&Q!!!!!!!!!! Haha. I dunno why, these are all just normal regular people, and... wow. I felt like I was in the twilight zone or something. We ended up talking and he asked my name. We danced together. The DJ pulled me over and said "I see you here every week, you're a GREAT dancer!" which is awesome!! Then they needed to film something for a local TV station and Abe made these girls get down from the DJ booth stage so that he could dance with me on the camera. And then he got down and let me do my thing. Wow, so fun. I saw Damien again from Wednesday and he gave me a big hug. Bobby refilled my water for me. The night came to a close, and I made my way to the DJ booth to say bye to Abe. Couldn't find Jeremy so I left. I was in a pissed off mood because I couldn't find Kevin and he had my cell phone, credit card, license, and my key (four things I should never be without). Bri Pie was too drunk to comprehend what was going on, and Kev was pissed at Bri cuz of some girl issues. I finally found Kevin and got my stuff back, and then Jeremy like came up behind me while I was yelling at Kevin, and wrapped his arms around me and picked me up. I was like "WTF" and I turned around and saw him. I gave him a big hug. He asked me if I wanted to come on the bus with them and I declined and said I had a test (WTF IS WRONG WITH ME). He looked sad, and gave me like a 30 second hug, saying "alright sexy, I'll look for you next time I'm here, ACE YOUR TEST TOMORROW!!! Bye Meyli..." and kissed me on the cheek. I was like "wow, he remembered my name....." Whoa.... I walked back to my car and left the garage.

04/10/2004 - 4:31AM

I just got back from Steve�s room. *sigh* I really don�t quite know what to say. We were watching TV and we started kissing during a commercial, and I just felt... overwhelmed. I wasn�t prepared to feel the things I did. I wish I could think of him as a normal guy, but I can�t help feeling like he is put on this pedestal here on campus. All the girls think of him as this guy who is soooo hawt and such a player and what not. I see through all of that with my heart, but my brain can�t. WHY CAN�T YOU TWO EVER AGREE ON ANYTHING. Jeeeez. I don�t want to get attached to him and then become that crazy jealous psycho girl who flips out everytime he flirts with a different girl. It�s not me, and I don�t want to become that girl.

5:21PM
I am fed up! Why are things so confusing??

04/12/2004 - 9:21PM

Well.. I�m anxiously awaiting Steve�s arrival... he got off work at 9 so I�m not sure what he�s been doing these past 20 minutes. Maybe he went to the RAC? I�m not sure. I guess I assumed we�d be doin�... this... right after work. Heh. Stupid hormones. Calm yourselves down at once!

05/23/2004 � 10:13PM

Wow� so much has changed since I last wrote. I don�t even know where to begin. Let�s just say� I got a little� distracted. Heh.

My last entry entails anxiety and frustration while waiting for Steve. Why, you may ask? I was overcome by a fiery desire� if you get my drift. And as far as I know, it�s a leap I�m glad I took. I was spending so much time hiding from my feelings� as he for I. He got over Casey pretty quick. We spent our last five weeks at UMBC with exciting afternoons and sensual rendezvous� long into the night. We connected in such a way that I didn�t know existed. I thought I�d never forget about Nick, yet with Steve� all I could think about was the next time I�d be in his arms again. Aside from a small disagreement every couple of days, we got along SO well. Even stranger� he�s YOUNGER than me, and not even into cars. And yet I�m so enthralled. He makes my heart race. *sigh*

Well, I just got back from SEMA�s International Auto Salon in Atlantic City, NJ. I rolled up with David, Cyndi, and Tiffany. We met up with Donny and Wei. The trip alone was exhausting, seeing how we had to wait an hour and a half for that ricey Galant to arrive. And even then, we got lost on the way to the hotel. David and Tiff took one of the tiny ass beds. I took the other, and through convenience, shared the bed with Wei (haha, David would not leave me the hell alone about it). We didn�t fall asleep until probably a little after 3AM. The show was pretty fun. I didn�t have a fever, to say the least � but my lively personality and spirit was short-lived when hour after hour went by and they turned up the air conditioning. I got a lot of exposure, at least. :)