10/17/2003 - 2:39 AM

I'm pretty tired right now. Miss my Nicky. Can't believe all the drama that went on today. Damn, and all of it happened online! I think the reason I let all this shit get to me is because first of all, my life revolves around the internet. I have no other life otherwise. They are just a bunch of people I shall never meet, converse with, or confront face to face. Who the fuck cares what they think? Well, obviously, I do. Right? *SiGh* Can't wait until this weekend so I can just CHILL THE FUCK OUT and relax. Pardon the cussing, it's been a stressful day. Not gonna go to English tomorrow because I spent the whole day stressing and didn't have time to read my book or study for the midterm. Definitely headin' to Philosophy, though. See what the hell I got on my midterm. Woooooooooooooooot. Show that SOB teacher what he's dealin' with. YEAH, BITCH, WHATCHOO GOT! Side note: I've noticed I'm starting to get all ghetto fabbed out and developing somewhat of a southern accent. Should probably try to work on that.

10/20/2003 - 12:46AM

Wow! What a crazy weekend. Actually, no it wasn't. I didn't do jack! But I got to spend lots of quality time with Nicky, so *yay*.

On Friday, we went to the East Coast BMW meet at Tyson's II. Pretty big turnout even though it was cold as shizzle! Sid put it into my head to try to get handouts from my Yahoo group to assist in the purchasing of a Hamann front lip for Rex. Not a bad idea at all! A lot more people talked to me this time. I was all jolly about it. Then we went back to Nicky's house and built a fort and then watched Say It Isn't So, but we both fell asleep. He fell asleep like 10 minutes into the movie. And I fell asleep after the guy found out he ponied his sister. :)

On Saturday... what did we do... Oh yeah. I had to drive all the way back up to Bethesda to go to work for 3 hours. Only worked 2, by the way. Then I drove Rex all the way down (eeeek! miles!!!) to Nicky's house and met his friend (forgot his name). We went to eat at this pizza place. And then after that we went to Burger King (the hott racing spot in VA, HAHAHA) and conversed among the many ricers/car enthusiasts. Pretty fun. Cold as shit, but fun! This guy had a CB radio in his truck and I was trying to talk dirty to some rednecks on it, but no one responded. Anyone seen that movie Joy Ride? CANDDDDDDDDDDDDDY CANE........ Hahahaha... Oh well. Then we went back to Nicky's house and passed out.

On Sunday, we woke up at like 2. Ummm.. went bowling. Got my ass kicked. Yo, the lane next to us, there were some MAD rednecks! GRANDPA! GRANDPA! This guy was like 40. Grandpa seemed like a strange term to be referring to him as, but I guess the kid's mom was like 13 when she had her. Haha. *shakes head* After that we went back to Nicky's place and got in a fight kinda. Then we... went to the Carnival in Manassas. I had never seen so many Hispanic people in my life. I felt so out of place! Hehe. All the nasty ass guys were checkin' me out. GROSS. Me and Nicky went on like 2 rides and the Ferris Wheel. I wanted to go to the top of the wheel and make out and dry hump and make our little booth go back and forth at the top, but the guy wouldn't let us have our own car. He made us share it with these 2 people and their kid. Jolly. It was beautiful, nonetheless. Just on top of the world there with Nicky. It took my breath away. Afterwards we went back to his car and had some fun. *wink* hahaha... mmmm... then we went to Mickey D's and they screwed up our orders. I went back to his house and watched TV for a bit while I ate, then we parted our separate ways.

On the way up to my house (a little over 70 miles, exact), I raced around with these 2 guys in an Accord. They weren't racing me, but the guy in the passenger seat kept making motions with his hands like "GO!" cuz I guess they wanted to see how fast Rex is or something. They were with me for about 40 miles till we took the same exit but they went right and I went left. Pretty fun. Crazy 'lil bastards. Ah well. Here I am. Ready for another week! Season premieres on Fox all week! *yay* Something to look forward too! hehehe... That's all I have to write for now. *mwahZ*

10/22/2003 - 10:12 PM

WOW, talk about some stress. Nicky and I are pissing each other off. I think we've been spending too much time together. What do you think? We're not bored of each other, we're just not getting along. That abou sums it up. He said he doesn't like how I eat unhealthy, don't go to class, and am an internet addict. And I said "and how do any of these things affect you or what's between us?" and of course, they don't, he said they just annoy him. Well, I mean, if you want to start on things we don't like about each other... I don't like how he gets so jealous of other guys, when he's really not in a position to do so. It's times like these that I'm glad we're not like together together " ". He constantly gets pissed off at little things, and always feels frustrated with himself and berates himself for never doing anything right. And everytime he does that, it frustrates me because I wasn't even mad in the first place, and he's blowing up at himself. JEEEEEEEEZ! Nicky has this personality flaw where he's never satisfied with the things he has and he's always looking at other things and wanting those. This is why he isn't trying to be as nice to me now like he was before because now he's fallen so comfortable with me, that.. I mean, what is it? All relationships turn out this way. It's peachy and keen for 2-3 weeks and then when everyone's done trying to impress each other, the real people come out. I don't think this applies to me because I'm about as real with everyone as I can be (but a lot of people think differently). Anyway, he tried to use a counterargument that I'm the same way but I think that time has shaped me into a new person with new values and new thoughts. And I think I'm very appreciative of what I have. I've stopped looking at other things and obsessing over them like I used to do. And with Nicky, it's want want want. Whether it's watches or cars or bikes, or even girls. Listening to the new Limp Bizkit album (Results May Vary) really isn't helping my mood at all either.

I'm pretty psyched for the show this weekend in Richmond. Not only do I get paid, but they'll pay for my transportation, my hotel, my food, and I'll get some extra exposure. I'm kinda sad cuz everyone else is going to be up in New Jersey for Import Circuit. I guarantee you that everyone at the show is going to be some messed up rednecks with missing teeth. Real fun. I can't wait!!

On another note, I'm pretty satisfied with my MySpace.Com group. If you haven't heard about it, I've created the first official group on this website entirely devoted to cars, sportbikes, and racing. I think I've done an excellent job thus far! And it amazes me because this is the first selfless good deed I've done in a while. This group isn't for me, it's for everybody to learn something new, meet other car enthusiasts, and have fun while doing it. That makes me feel wonderful. Hehe. *SiGh*

I have so many mixed feelings right now, it's crazy. 35% of the things in my life make me feel happy. The other... *counts on her fingers*... 65% makes me wish I could just leave this earth so I wouldn't have to worry about all that. I'm not suicidal, don't get me wrong, but it's like... if something happened to me which resulted in me leaving this god forsaken earth, then maybe, just maybe, I'd feel at rest. And I guess that's one word to describe me, restless. I'm going to be strong and try to deal with all this bullshit one day at a time. Because that's all I can do right now. I have so much going for me, and I don't even realize it. Speaking of the happy and sad things, I took this stupid thing I got off the bulletin board on this site. And it said I was a 9. And this is what it said about 9s:

9 - THE PERFORMER - 9's are natural entertainers. They are very caring and generous, giving away their last dollar to help. With their charm, they have no problem making friends and nobody is a stranger to them. They have so many different personalities that people around them have a hard time understanding them. They are like chameeleons, ever changing and blending in. They have tremendous luck, but also can suffer from extremes in fortune and mood. To be successful, they need to build a loving foundation. Let's evaluate.

"THE PERFORMER - 9's are natural entertainers" First off, yes, I am a performer. I'm a model. Models are supposed to be natural entertainers. This part is true.

"They are very caring and generous, giving away their last dollar to help." This reminds me of the time from Yahoo Import Car Chat where I bought this guy a Veilside kit for his car because it fascinated me what people were doing to their cars (back when I didn't know jack) and he said he'd pay me back when he got the money. He IM'ed me to say he got it, and then changed his screen name. I wrote him several e-mails and even tried to call him to try to get my money back, but to no avail. So yes, this part is true also.

"With their charm, they have no problem making friends and nobody is a stranger to them." Well first of all, everybody who knows me agrees that yes, I am very charismatic. But I still have a lot of social inhibitions which prevent me from making friends. One of my biggest fears is being judged and being made fun of, and this prevents me from being open upon first impressions. When I'm at a carshow, then of course, my outgoing personality comes out because I'll never see these people ever again, so why not? Somewhere deep inside me, there's a little girl who never wants to grow up. A little girl who fears sunlight. And upon seeing sunlight, runs away from it. How can you be afraid of something you haven't seen? I'm just rambling now. But there will always exist a part of me that's insecure, shy, and sadistic. This part is a sack of shit. Because it takes a lot out of me to be able to stand humans in general. Humans disgust me. Everyone is so greedy and cruel and no one has any regard or consideration for other people's feelings. I wish I were a unicorn.

"They have so many different personalities that people around them have a hard time understanding them." This is true. But only because I'm bipolar. And I have yet to meet someone who truly understands me. Actually, I have. But he was really fucked up, and even I couldn't help him. And I consider myself one of the most understanding and openminded people I know. I'm always willing to look at all sides of the situation to try to make an objective decision. Of course, this never happens. But I'm always willing to try. =)

"They are like chameeleons, ever changing and blending in. They have tremendous luck, but also can suffer from extremes in fortune and mood." Whoever wrote this is an idiot because they spelled chameleon wrong. This is pretty true because I have changed so much, even just from month to month. Not just appearance-wise. But I do believe I am getting more mature and wiser (not smarter, just more.. common sensey.. haha, nice word). I fear growing up. I wish I were 10. I wish I were 10 and I could stay 10 forever and not have to worry about relationships and school and jobs and money and cars and the future. Ahhhhhhhhhhh, 10 year olds have the life.

"They have tremendous luck, but also can suffer from extremes in fortune and mood. To be successful, they need to build a loving foundation." LUCK?! You've got to be fuckin' kidding me. As for the extremes in mood, that's true. Not sure about fortune. But oh well. To be successful, I do need a loving foundation. But I interpret this to be trust. And I don't trust anybody completely. I don't think I ever will. *SIGH*

Well evaluating a piece of internet shit has made me feel even shittier. GREAT, right? It's 10:41 now, meaning I've spent about 30 minutes of my life writing to people who will never read this. I lead such a productive life. Or not. Maybe in my next journal I can take the other 's and compare and contrast how they relate to me! HAHA. I'd die. This bored the fuck out of me already. I need to stop cussing so much. Yes, that is what I need to do. If you've read through this whole thing, I'm impressed. Why? Because I find it mind-boggling that anybody has a genuine interest in getting to know me beyond just a piece of ass. Yes, I'm that cynical. Okay, bye bye.

10/23/2003 - 10:42AM

Well, just got back from class. Made a couple new car buddies in the parking lot. They were standing just a tad too close to Rex when I walked to him. That pisses me off, but they seemed like pretty good people. Took their 's and gave 'em mine so we can all go cruisin' sometime. So what if they're ricers? I need more friends around here anyway. It seems like the only people that live in this damned city are rednecks. And after last night in import car chat on Yahoo (I need to get a life, I know), I hate Cavaliers more. PSSSSSSSSSSSSSH. You'll never sway me to the dark side!!!

Only good things that have happened these past couple of days:

-Found out I was in PVW Magazine (Performance Veedub) in the October and November issue. Downside: Can't find the November issue.

-Larry Bradby is giving me a CD of approximately 80 pics so I can print them out in 8x10s and sell them at the show! Downside: Have no idea when I'm going to pick them up or if I'll have time to sit down and print them all!

-Streamload.com, baby! Finally getting some kickass albums that I've been asking for. Downside: Half the time, the server is down.

-MyGroup on MySpace.com is really lighting up. People are starting to show interest in joining the group. I've stopped having to search through my members' friends list to find other enthusiasts. :) Downside: The friend order thingy is messed up so I have no idea who just joined when our number jumps from 100 to 105. But I'm trying my hardest, so bear with me.

-Got to see Nicky on Tuesday. Downside: Now things are crappy. *sigh*

I said a lot of things to him that I shouldn't have, and half of it wasn't even stuff that even remotely bothered me. I was just pulling things out of my ass because I felt so frustrated and angry. And I've realized I'm turning into Jonny and how he would say really mean and hurtful things when he was angry. And I would always berate him for it, saying that I would personally never say things like that, whether or not I was in a sane state of mind. I guess I was wrong, hmm? But then again, I'm not saying shit like "Good, I hope you die." to Nick, like Jonny would say to me. Let's not think about Jonny today. HOLY SHIT! Today would have been my... *counts on her fingers... 2 years and 2 months with Jonny*. Fuck that, I'm glad I'm out. *pats herself on the back*

My stomach hurts. I've decided that instead of eating junk food like Nicky hates, I"m just going to stop eating altogether. This is really smart.

Today's plan:

1. Get the hell off the computer (hardest step).

2. Go to Owings Mills Mall and get my nails done (they look disgusting). While I'm there, buy makeup (lipstick, eyeshadow). Maybe buy Nicky a little present cuz I'm a mean mean evil little bitch. Ummm, what else do I need. CD wallet! Yeah.

3. Contact Larry, see when I can pick up the CD. Take it home, look at the pics. Evaluate which ones I'm going to sell at the show and how many. If I print 5x7's (more money that way), then I'll need to cut them accordingly. Affix the contact stickers on the back of each of the pics (cuz I'm too cheap to afford business cards). I'm also going to sell my wallets for 1 or 2 bucks each. What do you think? 1 seems a bit low. 2 seems a bit steep. 1.50$ is gay cuz who asks for change? It's like saying, oh, this picture here is going to be $7.64 cents. Haha.

My head hurts, just thinking through this. I miss Nicky, I hope I can see him today. *SiGh*

10/31/2003 - 4:24PM

Happy Halloween, you all! And wow, thanks for the comments on my other journal entries and comments on my profile. I love you all.

With that being said, I had such a fun night last night!

We went to Bar of Baltimore for this costume thingy. I was in the cop outfit and everyone else was prisoners. We rolled up in this old Benz 250E and we saw a gorgeous black SL55 AMG on the way and raced around with it and the guy waved at us and I nearly wet myself just lookin' at it. It was so purty!!!!

When we finally got there, it was 12 bucks each person to get in but everyone covered for me (cuz I'm a cheapass) and we got in and everyone thought I was boring because I wasn't dancing. I had one beer and loosened up a little, and after a while of just standing around talking to some stranger about his Mustang, I got on the bar and joined the other ladies in dancing. Man, I've never felt so pumped. They left me alone for like 2 hours and when they came back, I was all sweaty, on top of the bar, dumpin' water on myself and other girls, getting money stuffed into my boots (I had to keep yelling "I'M NOT A STRIPPER!") Haha, and even though I can't dance worth a crap, all the guys were around me like "WHOA!". I even saw Jason and Dave there, I was so embarassed because normally I'm in sweatpants and racing around with them, but they saw me on the bar shakin' my stuff. Haha. Oh, what a night. I was sad it had to end.

I hope I have as much fun tonight. I miss my Nicky, but I'm sure he doesn't miss me, hehe. He's probably stress-free without me around all the time. Tomorrow he'll be goin' on this big group ride in MD (bike ride, you guys make it sound like I was talking about an orgy or somethin'! HAHAHA). Oh well. Tonight I'll be with my Toyota peeps. Just havin' a blast. I can't wait. Officer Meyli, at your service. Haha.

Well, I have a shitload of stuff to do. Did you guys see how many people joined my car group! And as if that weren't enough, I just finished organizing and accepting people yesterday and cleared the inbox. And today I opened it and I have 5 more pages worth of new messages and people who want to join! AWESOME! There's now another car club on this site! THE NERVE! Show your support in joining mine! K?

I love you all. Have a very happy and safe Halloween.

12/23/2003 - 8:41PM

Wow, it has been FOREVER since I last wrote!!!!!!!! So much has happened!!!

November 14th, 2003 - Nicky and I decide that we'll give this "relationship" thing a try. It's been a little over a month, and I've never met anybody like him. He makes me smile when I am sad, and makes me laugh when I am angry... *sigh*... Must be something in the air...

I've stopped going to Bar Baltimore because Nicky didn't really like me going and dancing on the bar. I feel like a piece of me is missing as a result of this, but it's a TINY meaningless price to pay for the joy that I feel just being with Nicky. :)

Jonny (my ex) met with me at McDonald's because he wanted to talk to me and give closure to our relationship. Although I am 110% certain that my feelings for Jonny are only as a friend, Nick gets upset if I even just talk to him, and who can blame him? Ex's are always going to be looked down upon by new relationships. I am torn, because as a friend, I feel like I am letting Jonny down. All my friends know that if they are sad or confused or angry, that I am always there for them and they can call me whenever. Over the summer, my friend Tim called me at 3AM and told me he had just broken up with his girlfriend, and even though I was tired as shit, I still went over there and was there for him to make him feel better. I feel disappointed in myself that I have to speak like such a bitch to Jonny when he asks if he can see me and I give him attitude. I just want Nick and I to work out, and as much as I do want to be a friend to Jonny, I don't think we can hang out for a while until Nick feels comfortable. I know that Nick has a good heart, and in time, he will realize how solid my feelings for him are, and be able to let me be friends with my ex. I know in my heart that I will never have feelings for Jonny again other than as a friend. I don't want him out of my life because he is and always has been a good friend. I am going to call him later this week and try to explain why I can't see him for a while, but he is always welcome to call me or e-mail me. :)

The way I feel with Nick, however, is such bliss. This is not to say that Jonny is a bad person, nor a bad boyfriend. Nick is just a better boyfriend for me. :)

So I won that naughty elf contest! Hooray! Click Here to View! I won an Xbox, 100$ to Toys R Us, and they cheaped out on my New Year's Eve ball pair of tickets (150$/each) because I wasn't 21. Why would they have the age restriction for the contest at 18 if you had to be 21 to win the tickets? Blasphemy!

I took Nick to Euro Motorcars about 2 weeks ago. Euro Motorcars is a special place to me, because I know that no matter how I'm feeling or what is going on in my life, that I can go there and feel released. Being around so many Benz's, so many friendly people.. I may just have to move there. Anyway, we probably spent about an hour and a half there (which is a pretty typical time for me to spend there). I said hello to all my old friends. Introduced Nick to Joe, which made me happy because they were nice to each other, and I like it when Nick is nice to my friends. :) We saw Randy and saw the Maybach *DROOOOOOOOOOOOOOL, I think I wet my pants when I saw that car!!!!!* and I gave Mo my number. Mo is really cool. :) Anyway, Randy let us test drive the CLK55AMG!!!! And it wasn't even for me, I let Nick drive it. I think that was the first unselfish good deed I've done this whole year. I knew it made him very happy; he had this big grin on his face the whole time. It was an amazing day.

Nick came over a couple days ago to help me decorate my christmas tree. My mommy got a new ML! Spanky and Sparky were gone. ::tear:: I didn't even get to say goodbye! Okay, that was random. We played Connect 4 with Peter and also Rummy. It made me happy to see Nick getting along with Peter because I know how badly and disrespectful Jonny would be to my family members, especially my mom. And Nick is the complete opposite. :) Nick doesn't like being compared to Jonny, but over time, it'll get better because it hasn't been very long since Jonny and I broke up but all I remember are the bad things. Cuz I'm stupid like that.

Christmas is two days away, and I couldn't be more happy. :) My Nicky makes me so happy! And PF Chang's makes Nicky happy!

People that I like a lot:
Nicky
Cindy
Carmen Electra
Jessica Simpson
Christina Aguilera
Mandy Moore
Beyonce
All the people that are not on my "don't like" list.

People that I don't like:
Nick Lachey (because he's bossy and treats Jessica badly)
Britney Spears (because she's fake)

I'm retarded. Goodnight!

12/31/2003 - 12:39PM

Wow, it's New Year's Eve, and in less than twelve hours, I'll be ringing in a new year. *sigh* Rewind a bit.

My Christmas was awesome! However, being as busy and stressed out as I have been, I didn't get Nick anything. =( I'm pretty disappointed in myself. SO, I need to get him and Cindy (the sweetest girl in the world) something nice for a belated Xmas present. Any ideas? E-mail me and let me know! *grin*

What I got from my family:
A laser pointer (little sister)
A book on bank credit (little brother)
A book called "Be Happy Be Healthy" (little sister)
2 CD's from a Japanese artist (older brother)
Cookies from the UMCP bookstore (older brother)
FROM MOMMY:
The Sims Bustin' Out (Xbox)
The Simpsons Road Rage (Xbox)
Additional XBox controller for the Xbox that I won
Printer Paper + Printer Ink
A printer/scanner/copier for my computer (badly needed)
A cute soft teddy bear from Petsmart
A 200$ remote control shock training collar for Robby
NuSkin Shampoo and Conditioner (working very poorly, to my dismay)
There was more but I can't think of it right this second. I'll add to my entry when I do. =D

Nick, Nick, Nick... *sigh* He came up to Bethesda on Christmas eve to help me find a present for my mommy. We were on our way to Montgomery Mall when I (being as attention deficit as I am) tried to avoid a fast car coming off an exit ramp by speeding up, failed to avoid a chunk of pavement in the middle of the road. The horrendous chunk went under both tires on the left side and spun up and hit my back bumper. Sounded a tad ugly, but I didn't sweat it. When we parked at the mall, I nearly fainted after I got out of the car and saw the back bumper. Oh, lord. Meyli is now driving a jacked up ride. Sure, it may be an M3, but it's still jacked up, damn it! :( Nick and I went inside and ate Chik-Fil-A which I needed really bad because I was super cranky. We walked around the entire mall and finally finished at Hecht's and got my mommy a musical jewelry box with perfume inside. It's such a stupid present. I could have done better, but it was 6PM and everyone was panicking because they were closing the mall and shutting down all the stores. We finally drove home and Nick gave me a big hug. He then told me what my present was- actually, I guessed it. Here is some foresight. Nick doesn't have a job and hasn't had one in almost/over a month. Nick is tight on cash. Nick spend TWO HUNDRED FIFTY DOLLARS on paying Alex at Eurospeed for my DDE's and license plate frame; something that I was supposed to do at least 2 weeks ago. I wanted to cry. Nick has a job now, but it truly was something surprising. Of course, I also love presents that have meaning like flowers and teddy bears and all that junk because it truly is the thought that counts, but I can't complain because I didn't get him anything, hehe. *sigh*

Soooooooo... we are finally moving me out of my Baltimore home. I'm sad because I really loved it there, and I don't want to leave. But I must! I'm even starting to like the fat cat. My roommate Dan is so nice and sweet, and I'll miss living in such a beautiful environment (even though my room was messy). I shall be moving back into my mother's Bethesda home. Huge, and a warzone. I don't know why, we have so much shit all over the place. I can't complain though, I add to a lot of it.

New Year's is tomorrow, so tonight we will be ringing in... umm.. the new year! I have no idea what we're doing tonight. But on Friday, we're going to go to the Washington Auto Show and then to an EastCoastBMW meet and then to Jake's birthday party at Bridges. I was thrilled that Chanlee invited me to go to dinner and then go clubbing with her on Friday, but I promised Jake I'd go. Chanlee is such a sweetheart. :) I thought of an idea about me, Anny, Cindy, Mary, Cholene, Chanlee, Kayla, and all our other model buddies having a girl's night out sometime soon. It would be so fun!!!

My current new year's resolutions:
*Focus harder in school.
*Eat healthier.
*Work out and firm up my huge ass.
*Be a better girlfriend/sister/daughter/pet owner/friend.
*Hang out with friends a lot more; return phone calls.
*Go to the clubs at least once a month.
*Learn how to dance like Cindy!!!
*Don't speed. As much.
*Focus on modeling. You only live once.
*Play with my doggy more. Train him to not jump on my friends' cars.
*Get a steady job for more than 2 weeks!!! (STEVE AT O'DONNELL HONDA, hehe)
*Control my spending problem.
*Clean my room at home.
*Take good care of Rex. Put the bumper and DDE's on.
*Drink more water.
*Think more of others before myself.
*FINALLY TEND TO MY MYSPACE GROUP FOR CARS/SPORTBIKES/RACING.
There's more, but that's all I can think of for now. I'll add/edit them later. Nicky is getting cranky because I type loud. So I have to go!

01/03/2004 - 1:21PM

First Journal Entry Of The Year

Wow, it's 2004 right now! And it feels... exactly the same as it did 3 days ago! WOOOOOOOO. It's 61 degrees outside. Time to frolick outside naked! BRB! j/k.

I finally moved everything out of my Baltimore home. I felt sad to leave, and the fat cat was playing with us. *sigh* We got to Baltimore at... 5, maybe. Left around 7:30. Got to Manassas at around 9:00. Well, Nick and I were supposed to go over to his friend's house for some party on New Year's Eve, but we ate at Olive Garden first and weren't done until around 10:30. We went over to his friend's house and no one was there. Turned out that they all went over to some other kid's house for his party, and Nick didn't feel like driving out that way, so we just went home and cuddled and watched the countdown on TV. Midnight struck and we kissed. :) *yay* Believe it or not, that's the first time I've kissed someone at midnight. Most likely before I've been asleep the previous times the new year has rolled around. So it was nice. Nick and I used to kiss a lot but now we don't. We should do that more. =)

On New Year's Day, we went to the Washington Auto Show. It was really cool. I was in a bad mood for most of the time because Nick was ignoring me. PAY ATTENTION TO ME. Hahaha. I'm such a brat. Oh well. I got some cool pics. Lemme see if I can find a link to show you some of the pics. Hold on just a second!

Me with an NSX!

Me with some Mazda!

Me with a Porsche Carrera!

Usually Nick would wait until all the people were gone to take pics of me with the cars, but it seemed as if the M3 was irresistible! Everyone wanted to be around it! Nick told me to go anyway and I could just tell people that the folks in the background were my brothers. Hahahaha.

Me with a Mini Cooper!

Me with an S4!

A sweet C230 Kompressor Coupe!

Couldn't you just see me driving this?!

Quite possibly the best showmanship and display there. All hail!!!!

V12 Cadillac!

Classic Mercedes!

Chrysler Concept Supercar!

Interesting Truck!

Hmmm....

The Jeepster?

Interesting new Mercury concept...

Rolls Royce Phantom! Eh, I'd still take a Maybach!

The Infamous Chevrolet SSR!

Chrysler Crossfire! WOOOOOOOOO! This is the hardtop non-convertible version of the SLK320. Exact same 3.2 cylinder V6 engine. Possibly the only nice thing to come out of the Daimler-Chrysler merge.

My Doggy!

OFFICIALLY THE MOST ANNOYING THING IN THE WORLD:
People walking in front of your camera while you are trying to take pictures of the sweet cars. I want to murder them all. They will die a very slow and painful death.

I have to go now because Nick is being cranky. AGAIN. But I'll write later with more of my ramblings. Don't you worry!

Okay, it is officially 6:30PM. I just woke up. Nick is sleeping again because he's a sick baby.

So anyway, the Washington Auto Show was fun and all that. :) Went home, ate at Damon's. Damon's is a mediocre restaurant with a brilliant idea. They have this big screen in the middle of the restaurant that plays 15 questions of trivia. And it's kind of like Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. You play against the entire restaurant. Pretty sweet. Now if the questions were beyond old entertainment trivia, THAT would be even sweeter.

I'm going to have to finish this later again because Nick is getting cranky because I type loud and fast. Ahhhh... *sigh*

Okay, so today it is Sunday, January 4th, 2:01PM. My birthday is only 26 days away! WOOOOOOOOOO. Continuing on with my story....

January 2nd rolled around! THANK GOD FOR FRIDAY, right? We basically slept and relaxed the whole day (Nick is getting sicker) and around 6:30 we started getting ready to go to the East Coast BMW meet. It was Jake's birthday and I cheaped out and just signed the back of my wallet pic and gave it to him. He liked it. :) I saw Sid, Abe, Chris, Mike, all my old buddies. Remember the piece of pavement that jacked up my car? Abe and Jake fixed it in like 2 minutes. I AM SO ETERNALLY GRATEFUL. My god. Anyway, it was really really cold and we were standing around just lookin' at everyone's car. Then we went to Bertucci's and I had the lobster ravioli which was good but it seemed like an awful lot to pay for 5 pieces. After a fine dine and chit chat at the dinner table, we went to Bridges where I danced my ass off and watched the men play pool all night. I had a really good time! The funniest part was when this guy came over to me and Nick. I thought I was in trouble or something, like he was a bartender and I did something wrong. I dunno. But instead, he was like "yo, my boy has been watchin' you all night and he's majorly stressin' you... we jus wanted to know if dis is yo man..." and I was like "yeah, he is, I'm sorry", and then we shook hands and he left. That was the funniest thing that happened to me all year! Hahahaha. *sigh*

On Saturday we just chilled. I ate four bowls of salsa. Alone. Haha, naw with chips. We went riding on Nick's R1 and I nearly got flung off and died! Nick's too used to driving like a nut while riding alone, I'm not sure if it's a good idea to go riding with him again, but it felt good to just be snuggled up against him and holding him in my arms while we had a heavy piece of machinery in between our legs. Then we went to Giant and got apple cider and tylenol for Nicky. I have a sore on my tongue. It makes me want to cut it off. We went to Blockbuster to rent American Wedding but they didn't have anymore. =( Then we went back to his house and ate and frolicked and played pool and watched Final Destination.

This morning, I woke up at 12 and left because my mommy is coming home today and I thought I should be here. I want some Pho, damn it! Haha. I had a really fun ricer run on 66 with an Rx8, a 3000GT, some SUV's, and a blue E46 M3. :) Then I got home and me and my brother washed Robby. He was very smelly. We're charging his shock collar right now. He's such a good doggy, I just know it. We just have to guide him there.

Well, I guess this brings us up to date! Happy new year everybody!

01/05/2003 - 2:21PM...

I am retyping this off of a paper I printed out at work.
Well, right now I am sitting at work, having the sniffles because either:
A) I am getting sick from Nick.
B) I am getting an allergic reaction as a result of all the cat hair around here.
A combination of the two, most likely.

I'm truly very frustrated with myspace because I wrote a very touching and heartfelt entry toward Nick last night in the wee hours of the morning, and when I clicked "submit", it lost everything because the site had to be shut down so they could change something. I've never written anything like that in my entire life, and I probably never will because it shall never be as good as the original. BLAST!

I've noticed recently that a lot of girls have resentful feelings toward me. Why? Hell if I know! I am certainly not a bitch, by any means. I consider myself a sweetheart to everybody, actually. And it's this naive notion I have of everyone being good and worth being good to, that I end up getting hurt time and time again? Why should I care if some ugly fat people (on the internet, no less) don't "approve" of me? Because I'm retarded. That's why. It's this innate feeling for lack of self worth that drives me to seek approval from everybody. No matter how pretty or smart or wonderful I'll ever get, I can't handle negative feedback. I wonder if there are any people that everybody is nice to. I see Cindy as one of those people. She's so modest and sweet, I don't see how anybody could not like her. My goal is to get along with more girls and maybe have a best female friend. The position is still open. Send your applications to the myspace inbox of Meyli. =)

Speaking of Cindy, she's finally found herself a nice young lad named Donny. =) I'm really happy for her; he better treat her right. And if he hurts her, I'm gonna personally go up to "Jerzee" and bring back his balls in a Ziploc so she can hang them on her mantle as some sort of declaration. Maybe as dice from the rearview mirror in her car. Hehehe. Well, maybe not. But don't think that I wouldn't think about it. She's waited so long for somebody to treat her as well as she treats them. *sigh* I think one of the primary issues, however, is that all of her love interests have always lived so far away. I highly admire them for pursuing a relationship, but I could never deal with only getting to see somebody once a week. I've only been away from Nick for one day, and already I'm going nuts. I guess everybody is different, and it makes the relationship that much more special because she looks forward to the weekends with anticipation. I think Nick and I are going to double with her and Donny this weekend. That should be fun! =)

Adam and I put the shock collar on my doggy, and I think it's the reason I feel worthless and depressed. Adam was testing it out, and then he came back. I went into Robby's room and he was sitting in the corner, looking soooooooo sad. It was the saddest, most depressing thing I'd ever seen. I opened the door and he ran out and just sat in the same spot in the grass for thirty minutes in the pouring rain. He wouldn't budge. I feel really bad for him. Bad enough that I'm getting off work an hour early so that I can go home and give him a big super Meyli hug. Robby is a great doggy. He's so kind and sweet; he shouldn't have to be punished for being a little over friendly. =(

Well, I have to go now. Talk to you all later.

01/09/2003 - 10:25AM

Wow, I really don't feel good. I went to bed last night with this really awful stomach ache, and it seems to have worsened with sleep. I woke up this morning and nearly threw up. =( I really hope I don't vomit. To me, that is just so disgusting. Even if it would make me feel better, I don't want to have it my mouth, I don't want to look at it, ahhhh. I haven't always had this phobia of regurgitation. I remember when I was 12, how I had this stomach flu for a day and threw up around 20 times. And it was kind of fun back then! But now I'm terrified of it. A couple of years ago in high school when I was a junior... this party went down and my friend ended up choking on her own vomit and dying. I know this probably won't happen to me because I'm not drinking alcohol, but it could! I might be trying to keep it down. And it'll come up. And that won't work? I don't know. All I know is, I don't want to see other people throwing up (like Steve-o on TV). I most certainly don't want to throw up. Uggggh. I feel so bad. =(

MySpace was down for a day yesterday. Talk about some withdrawal. The site is still containing some errors. I can't add anybody as my friend? That's kinda weird. And my whole inbox is dated from December. Like a new message in my inbox will be from December 29th. Weird? Last night, I went to chat in the MySpace chatroom on AIM and I met a bunch of truly delighful and entertaining people. Everybody was so sweet and funny and nice. :) I tried to add everybody to my friends list today but it won't let me? Yaaargh.

I'm going to finish this a little later. I have to go lie down. =(

01/23/2004 - 2:44PM

Wow, a new year is upon us, and it truly does not seem any different than the one before. I know it is already well into the first month, and this isn't even my first journal entry of the year, but I thought it insightful to reflect upon life's ups and downs, its weird way of making everything seem to... fit, and how strange it is that human beings are so expendable, yet every individual's life is valuable and priceless.

My birthday is only a week away. The big one nine. *sigh* For some odd reason, I feel as if I'm growing up too fast. 18 seems like such a young age. Granted, it may mean legal adulthood, but when you�re 18, you're still just a baby. 19, on the other hand. You're officially in your last year of being a teenager. And the thought just scares the shit out of me. Literally. You can't still be cute when you're 20. When you're slow or having blonde moments, it's no longer funny. You're officially stupid. How will turning 19 really feel? Probably the same as turning 18. I'll let you know when I get there.

Valentine's Day occurs exactly 15 days after my birthday, and for once, I'll be spending it with somebody special. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't alone for the past 2 Valentine's Day, but I felt alone. Isn't that all that matters? I'm hoping it will be a great day. Somehow, I always feel depressed around the special day and I manage to ruin it for everybody because I have such morbid and cynical views on love and relationships and feel the need to share them with everybody. Being bipolar, however, there's always a flip side. You'll learn that the more you get to know me. I'm the ultimate contradiction. Happy, yet sad simultaneously. Stupid, yet brilliance of an intellect. Etc. You name an adjective, I'm always also the opposite. We're straying from my original topic at hand. So anyways, I've officially been dubbed the relationship advisor on my BMW board. This means all the people with relationship problems overflowing my PM box. Indeed, I do know a lot about relationships and I give some phenomenal objective advice, but who am I to tell others how to live out their lives? I'm the one who should be taking my own advice. Everyone's relationship is filled with mind games and power struggles. They don't want to tell the other person they love them, because it puts them in a weak and vulnerable position. Why not just go ahead and be honest? I'm not even going to evaluate my own relationship because I'm a mixed combination of a little of everyone else's.

I'll be moving into my college dorm on UMBC this Sunday. I'll be living in the Chesapeake Hall which doesn't look half bad. I hope I make a lot of friends. Girls seem to be intimidated by me. I'm actually more concerned with making female friends than anything. I've never been the chick with a lot of girl friends. All my life, I've been surrounded by guys (which is most likely why I have such a profound fascination of cars), and I don't mind it at all. I know that Nick is going to be a little wary of me living on campus and being surrounded by all these people. I'm sure he's convinced that I'm going to run off with some nerdy UMBC boy, but he's absolutely wrong. My feelings for him are strong, and nothing will get in the way of that. If we ever break up, it's not going to be because I found somebody else. It's going to be because of unresolvable differences in our own relationship between just me and him. We sacrifice a lot to make each other happy because being together makes us happier than anything else could. Well, I'm only speaking for myself because he's not very open with his feelings. But I wish he could learn to trust me. All my life, I have had guy friends who have never been anything more. And I'm capable of having plenty of guy friends without feeling anything but platonic friendship with them. I know for guys, it is different. If they hang out with a hot chick alone, their entire goal is to hook up with them. That is certainly not the case with me. I've met a lot of really cool people (guys) who I've wanted to chill with and just be friends with, but it's unable to happen, because I respect Nick and I know he would be upset if I was hanging out with them. I wish that he could think through my brain and understand that I have done nothing wrong and that I can truly be trusted. Trust is a huge part of a relationship, and I don't think we have that in each other. That's really all I want from him for my birthday and for Valentine's Day. I want him to be able to trust me and let me hang out with whoever I want. I want him to have 150% faith in me that I'm a fantastic girlfriend and that I would never jeopardize what we have for ANYTHING or ANYBODY. Everyone is different, and I know it takes time, but I am beginning to feel frustrated! Hurry up! Hehe.

With me having a full-time schedule at UMBC, I'll only get to see Nick on the weekends, and I'm fine with that. We're going to have a blast. And maybe this space will make him realize how he really feels about me and how he longs to see me more than once a week. I view our relationship as entirely unbalanced. I feel as if I adore him with every part of my being, but I don't think the feelings are returned. Well, I mean, I know they are, but he just doesn't show it as well as past guys have. This is no error on his part, it's just the way he is. I wish he could just be true to his heart and when he's feeling something, just let me know. I feel as if he is bored with me. *sigh* Hopefully this space during the week will make him realize how much he misses me and maybe he'll know how I feel when I don't get to see him for 2 days! (I think the most we have been apart is one day, and I go mad during that time).

Speaking of college, my mother was mailed my report card. Reflecting upon my last semester, I ask of you this: Why am I such a retard? I really need to be trying harder, and my ultimate goal for this semester is to pass each class with a satisfying grade. It's the least I can do for my mom who has contributed so much, including my own life. I need to just hit the books and concentrate and not let myself get distracted. Think I can do it? Probably not. I don't even have faith in myself. *sigh*

My hair is officially bright blonde. Pictures will be posted accordingly. I�m at work right now so I really must get going. *hugZ*

01/26/2004 - 9:29PM

The1AndOnlyTrevy: hows the gorgeous Meyli feeling?
The1AndOnlyTrevy: sounded like you had a lot on your mind earlier
The1AndOnlyTrevy: just laying on your bed thinking
The1AndOnlyTrevy: Rex okay?
o O Meyli O o: Yeah.
o O Meyli O o: I'm just having a little bit of problems with my boy.
The1AndOnlyTrevy: :-(
o O Meyli O o: I didn't realize how much I like him until now.
The1AndOnlyTrevy: im sorry to hear that
The1AndOnlyTrevy: well i hope he is aware hes the luckiest guy walking the planet
o O Meyli O o: Awwww.
o O Meyli O o: I'm the lucky one.
o O Meyli O o: Like anybody can have a pretty girl.
o O Meyli O o: But it's so hard to find somebody with his personality, his sense of humor, his gorgeous eyes... everything about him.
o O Meyli O o: *sigh*
o O Meyli O o: I don't want to ever lose him.
The1AndOnlyTrevy: not anyone can have a girl as pretty as you though
The1AndOnlyTrevy: ill admit im a bit jealous
o O Meyli O o: There are hundreds of thousands of pretty girls, hun.
o O Meyli O o: And in reality, we all look the same anyway.
The1AndOnlyTrevy: well i guess i need to move
o O Meyli O o: Great, and just REALLY ASTONISHINGLY great guys, are hard to come by.
o O Meyli O o: I'm holding on and never letting go.
o O Meyli O o: hehe
o O Meyli O o: He'll have to beat me off with a stick.

And I mean every word with every inch of my soul.

01/29/2004 - 1:56PM Wow, one more day until my birthday. The big one nine. I'm speechless.

Well, I'm officially dorming in UMBC. There are so many geeks up in this place, you would not believe. I guess this is where they all collect. Oh lord, it's going to be a long semester...

My roommate's name is Amanda. She's 18 and a bio major. She plays lacrosse. Her boyfriend Steve is almost always here and if he's not, she's over at his house, so I don't really get any chances to bond or to make a good friend or anything. She's really nice, though. :) And neat! I need to clean up my half of the room. It hasn't even been a week and my half is a pig sty. It kind of sucked the first two days because we didn't have toilet paper and I really had to number 2! (I know you all needed to know). But I just held it in cuz I have a big storage area in my booty (HAHAHA, am I grossing you out?). I must be eating well because I've taken a poo poo every single day. And that means you have a lot of fiber in your diet and that's good! Yay! Yay for pooing every day.

I didn't realize it would be so hard to make friends. The only people I've come into interraction with are:

-My roommate Amanda: Read description above.
-Lily: She's this really cute Asian girl who lives across the hall. We met on FTJ or something. Click Here for her Picture. We've been eating dinner together for the past 2 days.
-Ed: Lily's boyfriend. He's very nice. Plays the drums and drives a 30+ year old Dodge Dart that has a hole in the vehicle's floor under the backseat.
-Czarlite: Met him at Platinum when I went with Cyndi and Nick. He's very nice, we went to Target too and bought lots of stuff that I needed. He's probably making a lot of friends now cuz haven't seen him in a while.
-Don Juan? (not sure if that's his name): He approached me in the dining hall and recognized me from.. MySpace! Haha, how neat.
-Kent: He was in my English class last semester. I haven't seen him since, but we talk online and he gives me UMBC advice.
And...... that's about it. This room is driving me crazy. Flourescent lighting depresses me. I feel like I'm in a mental institution. So this weekend we're gonna bring some nice yellow lights in so I'll never have to use these crappy flourescent ones. So as if I'm not depressed enough, I eat my meals alone (except for dinner, because it's packed and I'd look like a total loser if I ate alone). I'm so thankful that Lily and Ed invite me to eat with them. Or I just wouldn't go eat. *sigh*

Things between Nick and I have tensed up quite a bit too. For one reason or another, he would get mad when I went to eat with Czarlite, which is absolutely absurd, because Czarlite is just a friend. We reached the brink of breaking up, which has taken a toll on my mood. I don't know what we're going to do, but things have been okay since yesterday and today. I need to see him this weekend and give him a big hug. I wish he would be more supportive of me having friends. I worry that if I make any friends, that he will become upset again and that I will get depressed again. I don't know which is worse, not having any friends, or being afraid of how Nick will feel if I make friends. =\

LOL, MTV has stupid commercials.

I hope things work out for my little birthday party tomorrow. Klarkee's supposed to be in charge but I have no idea what's happening. Needless to say, I'm worried. *sigh*

I find it amusing that because I labeled my picture "Do you like my.. uhh... new hair?" that I was branded a poser (wouldn't it be copycat anyways.. I'm not really pretending to be somebody else... this is the way I talk) because this other person wrote "nice... poolsticks" as a caption for one of their pictures. Ummmm... is the whole entire English language solely hers to use? Forgive me as I type because you most likely have used all these words before too! OH NO! I must stop now. And as if that weren't enough, she launched personal attacks (to my away message nonetheless) as insults... very mature. Let's have a round of applause for her. Speaking of which, Brian told me that they aren't friends anymore because he has a girlfriend? That's pretty strange to me. Shouldn't we all be happy for Brian that he found someone?

Well, I just thought I'd give you all an update on what's going on.

02/03/2004 - 4:36PM

Wow, why are people at UMBC such assholes?! I will get into this toward the end of my day.

Anyway, I finally got my room cleaned last night! It looked phenomenal. To top it off, I took out my contacts for bed (which is a miracle, for real). I had such a strange dream, and I think I dream in a lot more detail when I don't have contacts in my eye which affect the rapid eye movement you experience when you are dreaming. I don't remember much about my dream, but I confonted Brett at Glen Echo Plaza. A lot of people were around. Let me just fill you in. Brett is this redheaded obnoxious asshole who went to my high school and would say "Melissa EW!" everytime I was around. And I remember a lot of afternoons when I would go home and cry because he made me feel so horrible about myself. So I confronted him now in my dream (after the metamorphosis from the ugly little caterpillar into a semi-decent butterfly) and he was still an asshole. Only, this time I was strong about it and I was like "what the hell is your problem" and he then told me that it had nothing to do with the way that I looked, but just the person I was inside. That's all I remember. Pretty eye-opening.

So this morning I woke up, feeling all nice and rested (I slept on this cushiony thing that Nick and I bought at Target when we were fighting, which I will elaborate more on when I go back to my last journal entry). It made me feel all comfy.

The weather was horrid. Absolutely ghastly. I wore my boots and my socks were soaked. I sat with Evey and her boyfriend in music. Daniel looks a little different than I remember, but Evey looks the exact same. And as usual, she had the perfect handwriting which I have envied and tried to copy all my life. She is very nice, I hope we become better friends just like old times.

After that, I ate lunch. Then I drove down to get an emissions inspection for Rex. The drive down was awful. The sky was the color of paper (white) and you couldn't see the car in front of you. It gave me a headache and made me sleepy. When I got off 95, it wasn't so bad anymore. Rex passes his emissions (no big surprise, why wouldn't he?).

I thought that while I was in Gaithersburg that I might as well go get a new license since I lost mine. The guy was super nice to me. I got to get a new picture (FRONT!) and a new license with the crab design. I donated 1$ to the Organ and Tissue Donation (something like that).

Then I went home. Robby was wet. My mommy bought me this gorgeous 200$ real suede/leather (I dunno which, but it smells) jacket which I will wear everyday! It's so nice. I got a package from someone - I wonder who? Hehehe.

Then I headed on my way back to school. After returning back to campus, it was then that this asshole in a red Celica nearly got in a wreck with me because I had the right of way at a stop sign. So he let me go, and then decided it would be cute to tailgate me. I found a spot, but I had to back up into it to parallel park, and he wouldn't back the fuck up. So I just drove around and made another circle, and that's when I saw this loser walking with some chick and he gave me the finger. Thanks for taking my spot, and I get the finger when it was YOUR fault that you nearly crashed into me? Real cool. ASSHOLE.

I needed to vent. I feel a lot better now.

Turns out the package was from my dearest friend, Neal, from MySpace - and they are these gorgeous 7" black heels!!!! Thank you!!! I will wear them at my next photo shoot! They are gorgeous. Shoes make me smile. Hehe.

I miss my Nicky.

I'm hungry, so I'm going to eat the Santa Fe Ranch Lays Chips that Nicky's mommy paid for. Hehe! HOLLA BACK!

02/04/2004 - 6:14PM

Wow, what an extremely small world. It turns out that the guy who talked to me in the parking lot when I was brushing the snow off my car's name is Dave and he is in my Psychology class. That's not the small world part. He knows Lily AND Ed!! Apparently, Ed thinks he's this big loser and he doesn't like him at all. Hehe. Oh well. The total is up to 5 friends now - Lily, Ed, Evey, Amanda, and Dave. Dave isn't really my friend right now but he seems amusing. He's the only one who laughs at the teacher's jokes. (just found out he's gay! kind of! How scandalous!)

Nick is glad for me that I made some friends which I am happy about. Over the weekend, there was so much pent up stress and anger from the week before that it was basically the end, or the beginning of something new. We were in his car and I was crying on Saturday and I was saying that I was miserable and didn't like to feel miserable. I know it really hurt him and I don't want him to feel like he's making me miserable, but I really believed we were making each other's lives into hell. It wasn't until that very moment where we just shut up and hugged each other like we were holding on for dear life... that I realized how much I need him in my life. He's my world, my everything. He's the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing I think about when I go to bed. He's the only one who can put a smile on my face at any given time, and yet, take that smile off at any given time too. I don't know if I love him, because it's been so soon (or has it?), but I know how I feel - and I know that I don't want to lose him. Ever. And to be absolutely honest, yes, in the past I have been with guys who I have thought I liked a lot, and I would think about other guys all the time. I was a horrible person, and I regret it. But ever since I have been with Nick, I haven't even LOOKED at another guy in any way as just a friend. It's this special way that he makes me feel about him, like he is my everything. I know a lot of you may think - well, it's early and you'll start looking elsewhere soon - but with the other guys, it wouldn't even be a WEEK and I'd already be thinking about other guys. I have known Nick for approximately five months now. And since that night I went to Chili's with him and Brian, I haven't even thought about another guy. Since that night, I was scared of relationships and scared to be in another one for fear of getting hurt again. But since that night, I knew I wanted to be with him, and I knew that I'd take that leap for him, even if I wasn't ready. I don't know what it is about him. His eyes that look so deep inside mine, as if he can feel my soul. His sense of humor. His little quirks. We just connect on an entirely different level. I adore him with every part of my being. *sigh* I miss him. I put all these pictures of us on my desk in my dorm room and I can just always look up and see him. :) I wish he lived closer to me so I could see him more than just during the weekends. I'm thinking about him every second of the day, and I hope he knows that. :)

Well today was the first lunch I've ever eaten with somebody since I've been here (excluding that linch with Czarlite cuz we went in together). Like I was just walking around with my tray getting food and Lily came up behind me and grabbed my arms, hehe. And she's like "come eat with us!". I felt so loved. They eat really healthy. Makes me feel like a slob. We were discussing the merits of diet soda - a soda that I will never be able to enjoy, but apparently they think regular soda is disgusting. That Don Juan guy who approached me in the lunch room sometime last week still hasn't gotten in contact with me. I told him to IM me sometime, but I guess he didn't. I feel like a Sim, needing to make as many friends as possible. I'm hoping this semester will help me acquire the social skills I once had. I am normally such a charismatic person, but in front of strangers, I am nervous and quiet and awkward.

Even if I didn't have a boyfriend, I would only be making friends because everyone here is friend material. Hehe, goofy and just fun and weird like that. :) Nicky was saying that maybe he'd sell everything and come to UMBC! That would be so tight. Except UMBC sucks and any sane person wouldn't want to come here. But it would be so awesome getting to see him everyday like how Lily and Ed do, or Evey and Danny. You wouldn't believe it, but these pictures that I have of him and of us together really do help me in not going through so much withdrawal. Everytime I look at them, I smile and get this warm giddy feeling in my heart. :)

I've been giving a lot of relationship advice lately. And have realized I'm rather good at it. So if you need relationship advice, don't hesitate to holler.

02/04/2004 - 9:48PM

I wish I could clone myself as a guy so I could date my male clone. My male clone would make myself ecstatic 24-7. He'd tell make me feel beautiful, and special, and wonderful, and on top of the whole friggin' world all the time - like every girl should feel, but how every guy is incapable of making girls feel that way.

02/04/2004 - 10:04PM Nicky on AIM: And I don't hate you silly, why are you making things up:-(? What did I do?

Oh my god! Why am I such a bitch? I shouldn't have to expect my boyfriend to make me feel wonderful, because it's not him that's responsible for that. It's my low self esteem (or lack of a self esteem) that causes me to feel shitty all the friggin' time. I can't blame him for feeling like this. It's not right. I don't want to cry, my roommate is in the room. FUUUUUUUUCK, my nose is runny right now.

Nicky on AIM: :-\

Auto response from Meyli: There is this fat girl at school who drives a minivan there everyday. Most of us have nice cars, but she has to drive a minivan.

It even has the beeping reverse.

I laugh when I see her backing up in that van, is that wrong?

GroupHug

Nicky on AIM: ::beep beep::

I really need my medication. I feel really unstable. Last time I had a nervous breakdown was in September the week before HIN. I'm terrified because when I get really depressed I have horrible thoughts. And I drive away the people that care the most about me. I'm afraid that Nick is going to leave me because I'm so messed up in the head.

Everybody assumes that I'm just another pretty face. That I've always been pretty and will never know what it's like to be the brunt of cruel jokes. I feel like it's all the fake things about me that make me real, make me who I am. My fake hair, my fake nails, my fake Louis Vuitton purse, my 323i with an M3 bodykit (j/k about that one), just everything. And that's depressing. Is the REAL me not good enough for my own approval, much less the approval of everyone else? And inside this completely fake head, there's a maelstrom of disaster. Horrible horrible thoughts and feelings, all swirling around in an amalgam of nausea.

I hope the end of this hurricane is near and that sunshine is right down the road.

Nicky on AIM: melly, come back

Nicky on AIM: :-(

[Meyli's Away Message]: I'm stupid.

Nicky on AIM: Why won't you talk to me, but you keep changing your away messages?

[Meyli's Away Message]: Because if I talk to you in IM, I will cry. And my roommate is in the room.

Nicky on AIM: Why will you cry?

[Meyli's Away Message]: Because I feel really sad and depressed for no reason and when I think about how sad I am, I might cry.

Nicky on AIM: Well you have no reason to be sad :-(
Nicky on AIM: Why are you sad? You have so many new friends :-(

[Meyli's Away Message]: I know, baby. But I always get really sad after my birthday, and also cuz the weather is so cold. I don't feel beautiful or special anymore. And I take this out on you. I hope you don't hate me.

[Meyli's Profile]: Nicky hates me.

Nicky on AIM: I don't hate you, you should change your profile :-(

[Meyli's Profile]: Nicky is good.

[Meyli's Away Message]: *sigh* I wish I could see you.

Nicky on AIM: me too baby :-(

[Meyli's Away Message]: I always go crazy in the middle of the week when I don't get to see my Nicky. :-(

Nicky on AIM: *As usual, he is saying something disgusting, yet cute - which will be ommitted for your sake*

[Meyli's Away Message]: *hugZ*

Nicky on AIM: *kisseZ*

02/04/2004 - 11:51PM

Meyli: And I stress both of us out.
Meyli: :-(
Meyli: You deserve the good mood Meyli.
Meyli: But I dunno where she went.
Meyli: I think she went to Hawaii for vacation. :-(
Nicky on AIM: Can I go too?
Meyli: Then who will stay?
Meyli: Nicky doesn't have two crazy personalities.
Nicky on AIM: Yes I do..
Nicky on AIM: HELLO MY NAME IS JIMBOB!
Meyli: Hi JimBob.
Meyli: I'm Meylo.
Nicky on AIM: I LIKE TO EAT CARROTS AND HORSERADISH
Nicky on AIM: AND I TYPE IN ALL CAPS
Nicky on AIM: AND I HAVE SMALL BALLS
Meyli: OH NO!
Meyli: I HATE SMALL BALLS
Meyli: MEYLO DOESN'T LIKE JIMBOB.
Nicky on AIM: WHY NOT? :-(
Nicky on AIM: JIMBOB IS SAD :-(
Meyli: OKAY MEYLO LIKES JIMBOB AND HIS SMALL BALLS.
Nicky on AIM: JIMBOB HAS A BONER NOW
Meyli: =-O
Meyli: MEYLO DOES TOO!
Nicky on AIM: SWEET!
Meyli: YAY! *IN CRANK YANKER VOICE*
Nicky on AIM: YAYYYYYYYYYY
Meyli: JIMBOB, YOU'RE THE BEST.
Nicky on AIM: AM I REALLY?
Meyli: YES, SIR.
Nicky on AIM: wanna see a cool conversation?
Nicky on AIM: Barret: whats going on
Nicky on AIM: not much
Nicky on AIM: bout to hit the sack
Barret: yea me too
Barret: peace out master p
Nicky on AIM: later
Barret signed off at 11:37:46 PM.
Meyli: I like it.
Nicky on AIM: :-D
Meyli: You guys are very interesting.
Nicky on AIM: I know right
Nicky on AIM: I should have let him talk to JIMBOB
Meyli: Nicky came back from vacation?
Nicky on AIM: Yeah, but he needs to go get some shut eye now
Nicky on AIM: He has jet lag..
Meyli: Bye bye Nicky.
Meyli: Have fun tomorrow.
Nicky on AIM: I'll try
Nicky on AIM: You too
Nicky on AIM: Sleep tight
Nicky on AIM: *muahZ*

I want Nicky to come to campus for a weekend so we can chill with all my new friends. I miss him bunches.

02/10/2004 - 12:59AM

The First Time I've Actually Felt My Heart Slowly Breaking...

Nicky: I'm torn
Nicky: inside
Nicky: torn apart
Nicky: my insides ache
Nicky: but what can I do

[txt msg] I haven't cried this hard in a long time. Too bad the song messed after 2 min.

I don't know how I feel anymore. But I know that I felt like my heart was crumbling inside of me while I listened to him on the phone. I've never felt this way for anybody, never liked anybody half as much as I like him. I feel scared - scared because I don't want to get hurt? For the first time, he's opened up to me, and let me know what he feels. Let me know that he has a heart, and that I'm in it. When he picked up the phone and the first thing he said to me when I asked him what was wrong was a tear-filled "I miss you", I was in it deep. My feelings for him are so strong, there's no way I can go back, no matter how badly I may want to. This is the man that my heart longs for when I wake up in the morning, and the same man that I smile about while I close my eyes and go to bed. And while we may both have some unresolvable issues, we can change who we are, but we can't change the way we feel for each other. I honestly believe that if he REALLY TRULY knew how I felt about him. Felt it from every word I say, every time I look at him with true adoration... I think he wouldn't be so insecure and jealous. I wish he knew what a treasure he is to me, and how I can't live without him. I hate to be so dependent on one man. When there is so much unstableness in the world. But I can't help it. I can't help what my heart feels.

But... I can't continue to do this every week. It has taken a toll on my mental well-being, and surely, his. Just as I am a playful perverted person, he is a jealous boyfriend. And as much as I cannot change who I am, he cannot neither. What can I do? I care for him so dearly. I wish I could send a telepathic message to his soul and let him know "I AM ENTIRELY ENAMORED BY YOU AND HAVE NOT EVEN LOOKED AT ANOTHER MAN IN THE SLIGHTEST SENSE. I MAY BE A BIG PERVERT AND HAVE FUN, BUT MY FEELINGS ARE COMPLETELY PLATONIC. WHY WOULD I WANT ANYONE ELSE WHEN I HAVE YOU? IT IS YOU THAT MAKES ME FEEL COMPLETE, YET IT IS ALSO YOU WHO IS CAPABLE OF MAKING ME FEEL THIS HORRIBLE." Why are we kidding ourselves? Why can't we just get along? You mean the world to me, but so does my happiness. You both should come hand in hand, I shouldn't have to choose. I PRAY TO WHOEVER IS ABOVE TO HELP NICKY AND I FIND OUR WAY BACK TO EACH OTHER AND TO PROTECT US FROM CONFLICT FOR THE WEEKS TO COME.

02/13/2004 - 1:27PM

02/16/2004 - 1:49PM

Wow, I feel as if I'm about to pass out. Or my head is going to explode. I've had the most severe headache since yesterday afternoon. Let's start from the beginning of my Valentine's Day weekend.

As usual, after class, I was feeling restless and tired and needed to take a nap, but Nick encouraged me to go to work and make some munay. I wasn't able to make my appointment with VOB BMW to get Rex's cell phone antenna FINALLY replaced and attached. I also need my windshield wiper fluid refilled and that VA inspection sticker taken off. Well, I missed it. Try to make it again this Friday. Work was boring, as always. Seems like Mr. Sprecher is getting more and more hard of hearing. I had to scream in his ear for him to hear me. And even then, he couldn't comprehend what I was saying.

Finally, work was done. I went home to wrap Nicky's presents and write on his card. On the way out, I played with Robby and reminisced about when I first laid eyes on him 2 years ago on Valentine's Day. He is such a wonderful and cute doggy; it makes me sad that he's always in that little room all friggin' day and that nobody pays attention to him. I wish I could take him with me to college. Another thing is that he's really aggressive and playful - people misunderstand that to be that he's a mean doggy. Gosh, I love him more than he'll ever know.

My roomie and her boyfriend are going to watch the Others right now, so I'll holla at you all later.

02/17/2004 - 10:19PM

Someone really stupid.

Cap0ne 305: i got and sl 55 mercedes 655 hp, a hummer on 24's w/ tvs inside and 4 tens, a ferrari 360 modena, a ford lightning, 325i bmw, 2 mercedes compressors, a huge ass redneck truck, a bently and on more mercedes
Likk My Butthole: If you really had all them rides, you'd know that it's spelled kompressor.
Likk My Butthole: Do you even know what the word means?
Cap0ne 305: ur getting mad cus i didnt kno wat kompressor meant
Likk My Butthole: And if you knew anything, you'd say you had THREE kompressors, because the SL55 is a kompressor.
Cap0ne 305: i kno wat i got i kno how hard my dad bust his ass everyday
Likk My Butthole: Good for you.
Cap0ne 305: and i kno i can buy and sell ur ass
Likk My Butthole: If you're going to be rude, I suggest you try harassing someone else.
Cap0ne 305: im not
Cap0ne 305: just u kinda snotty
Likk My Butthole: I'm not snotty.
Cap0ne 305: cus some1 dont kno wat a word means
Likk My Butthole: I just find it a bit absurd that you don't know anything about your cars.
Likk My Butthole: What are the "2 compressors" that you say you have?
Cap0ne 305: nithing bout my caes
Cap0ne 305: nothing
Likk My Butthole: I'm simply asking politely.
Likk My Butthole: What are the two kompressors you say you have?
Cap0ne 305: u wanna start over cus i aint feeling these vibes
Cap0ne 305: ur all mad and its getting me mad
Cap0ne 305: u wanna start over
Likk My Butthole: Not really.
Likk My Butthole: I want to know what the 2 kompressors you have are.
Likk My Butthole: And for somebody who claims they can buy and sell my ass, I certainly don't want to give them a second chance.
Cap0ne 305: hey its tru
Cap0ne 305: but im sry for being rude
Likk My Butthole: How is it true?
Likk My Butthole: I'm 18 and have been on my own since I was 16.
Cap0ne 305: cus if u cant tell im rich as fuck
Likk My Butthole: I manage my own money, own land overseas, AND I know what I drive.
Cap0ne 305: i can afford most alot
Likk My Butthole: So because your dad works his ass off, you assume that you do too.
Cap0ne 305: yea cus i work w/him
Likk My Butthole: I actually earn my money.
Likk My Butthole: And I'm on my own.
Cap0ne 305: good job
Cap0ne 305: cool
Likk My Butthole: Yes, I'm very proud.
Likk My Butthole: I don't need 15 cars to feel good about myself.
Cap0ne 305: i dont
Likk My Butthole: I have one German naturally aspirated supercar, and I know enough about it to make it what I want to be.
Cap0ne 305: im just sayin dont fuck /me
Likk My Butthole: I certainly don't want to do that.
Likk My Butthole: Your "girlfriend" is alone on that one.
Likk My Butthole: I'm asking you politely to leave me alone now.
Cap0ne 305: wat r u talking bout gf
Cap0ne 305: y is she in this
Cap0ne 305: aint u kno wat
Likk My Butthole: Cap0ne 305: im just sayin dont fuck /me
Cap0ne 305: im sry
Likk My Butthole: Don't be.
Likk My Butthole: I just know how you are now.
Cap0ne 305: naw im a nice guy
Cap0ne 305: just u git a lil mad
Cap0ne 305: got
Cap0ne 305: so u aint gona talk now
Cap0ne 305: im tryin to b cool now
Likk My Butthole: I'm not mad.
Likk My Butthole: You're just making yourself look like an idiot.
Cap0ne 305: how is that?
Cap0ne 305: shud i leave u alone
Likk My Butthole: It'd probably be best.
Cap0ne 305: y?
Cap0ne 305: am i still being rude
Likk My Butthole: No.
Likk My Butthole: But it's like saying some really ignorant things.
Likk My Butthole: And then expecting me to forget?
Cap0ne 305: ok

02/18/2004 - 8:02PM

I thought it interesting to enter a chatroom on AIM and then see how many guys IM me (with a sn LikkMyButthole! What a bunch of sickos!). And then the few that did, asked me ASL, which in return, I refused to answer such a rude question. Let's see what happened.

This one was rather polite. He even went on a google mission for me.

fenixtx154: h4llo
Likk My Butthole: Hello!
fenixtx154: asl
fenixtx154: ok?
Likk My Butthole: I think that's a stupid question.
fenixtx154: ok what is your age
Likk My Butthole: Well why can't we have a normal conversation?
Likk My Butthole: My friends don't ask me my age.
Likk My Butthole: Or where I'm from.
Likk My Butthole: You shouldn't either.
fenixtx154: ok
fenixtx154: um do yu have a pic
Likk My Butthole: My friends don't ask that either.
fenixtx154: damn
Likk My Butthole: :-)
fenixtx154: well im 16 m from dc with pics
Likk My Butthole: Cool.
fenixtx154: yu
Likk My Butthole: How did you know my last name.
fenixtx154: its yu?
Likk My Butthole: Yes, sir.
Likk My Butthole: I have a fun game for you.
Likk My Butthole: Why don't you go to google.
Likk My Butthole: And type in Meyli.
Likk My Butthole: And see what comes up.
fenixtx154: ok
fenixtx154: meyli
Likk My Butthole: Did you find anything?
fenixtx154: no
fenixtx154: why
Likk My Butthole: You typed in Meyli and nothing came up?
fenixtx154: o never mind alot came up
fenixtx154: why is that yu?
fenixtx154: cas shes very hot
Likk My Butthole: That's me.
fenixtx154: wow

This one handled things pretty well also.

RoKeT23623: hey
RoKeT23623: a.s.l
Likk My Butthole: I don't like that question.
RoKeT23623: my bad
RoKeT23623: well whats up then?
RoKeT23623: how bout that
Likk My Butthole: That's better!
RoKeT23623: well it is kinda weird u wont answer that
This one is my personal favorite.

whoBeDat0420: what a name
Likk My Butthole: Indeed.
whoBeDat0420: asl
Likk My Butthole: I don't like that question.
whoBeDat0420: ok hello
whoBeDat0420: how old are you
Likk My Butthole: I don't like that question either.
whoBeDat0420: alright fine
Likk My Butthole: :-)
whoBeDat0420: too bad there isnt a smily with the middle finger held up
Likk My Butthole: Wow, now that's quite rude.
whoBeDat0420: so is refusing to answer a simple question like how old you are or where your from
Likk My Butthole: Not really.
whoBeDat0420: yes actually it is
Likk My Butthole: I think it's rude to demand such answers without first having a simple conversation.
Likk My Butthole: Hello, how are you
Likk My Butthole: How is the weather?
Likk My Butthole: Sorry to hear you have a migraine, Meyli.
Likk My Butthole: Might I give you a massage and fix everything?
Likk My Butthole: Of course you may!
whoBeDat0420: not online it isnt
Likk My Butthole: Well then you can look elsehwere. :-)
whoBeDat0420: i cant see you and i dont know anything about you
Likk My Butthole: That's why you ask.
whoBeDat0420: therefore asl is a way of figuring out who you are talking to
Likk My Butthole: Not quite.
whoBeDat0420: i dont even know if your male or female
Likk My Butthole: How many 19 year old females live in Maryland.
Likk My Butthole: Millions.
whoBeDat0420: how many 40yr old men do
Likk My Butthole: Are you 40?
whoBeDat0420: in person i could tell you were female and within a 17-25yr old range
whoBeDat0420: but i cant online
whoBeDat0420: therefore asl is a starting point
whoBeDat0420: why would i want to get to know you if you were say a 14 year old boy
Likk My Butthole: Well we will just have to agree to disagree.
Likk My Butthole: RoKeT23623: a.s.l
Likk My Butthole: I don't like that question.
RoKeT23623: my bad
RoKeT23623: well whats up then?
whoBeDat0420: well i hope someone anally rapes you with a fork
whoBeDat0420: good day
Likk My Butthole: That's a wonderful wish.
Likk My Butthole: I'm a 19 year old import model who doesn't care for rude people.
Likk My Butthole: And perhaps if you had taken the chance to get to know me.
Likk My Butthole: We could have had a good friendship. :-)
whoBeDat0420: and i couldnt fucking care less
Likk My Butthole: Well, that's very nice of you. :-)
whoBeDat0420: you have an attitude
Likk My Butthole: No, I really don't.
Likk My Butthole: I've been super polite.
whoBeDat0420: in person i would have recognized that almost immeditly
Likk My Butthole: Anyone who reads this would have noticed I've been absurdly polite.
whoBeDat0420: keep thinkin that skank
Likk My Butthole: Yes, you are the one who doesn't have an attitude.
Likk My Butthole: Ignorance is bliss. :-)
whoBeDat0420: im not the model
whoBeDat0420: you ignorant fuck
Likk My Butthole: Did I say you were?
Likk My Butthole: What does that have to do with anything?

For those of you who don't want to make me mad and contact any of the people who I quote in my AIM conversations, don't worry about it! Knock yourself out. Some people just really need to be told off.

02/24/2004 - 1:13PM

Howdy doodie, neighborinos!

I still have yet to type up what I did this weekend, much less, the one before that. But my roommate is trying to study, and I type loud. So Alas! We must separate. *mwahZ*

Okay, okay, I finally decided to fill you guys in on my delightful weekend.

On Friday, I was really busy trying to get a Meyli shirt made for the carshow on Saturday. I didn't get to go to VOB BMW to get my cell phone antenna, but I'll go this week. Nick and I just stayed in and watched Dickie Roberts (with David Spade). He fell asleep halfway through it but I watched it and liked it. It doesn't take much for me to like a movie. It wasn't brilliant, but it wasn't bad. :)

Saturday came and I had to get up early to get ready for the show. I was in a pretty bad mood upon leaving because we left two hours late and I hate waiting. It was nice to see Jonathan, Klarkee, and Michelle again. I met Jerny, who turned out to be pretty cool. We watched Fast & Furious on the way up, and shared a tuna sandwich. "NO ONE LIKES THE TUNA" The show was surprisingly rednecky - it would have been a lot more fun if Cyndi was thurrrr. Anyway, I took some pics with cars for Klarkee - I feel a little disappointed in myself because I wanted to be done with the car pics quick, cuz I was tired. And I should have taken more pics for Klarkee. I passed out some business cards and shizzle.

Here's a pic I took with Sonya from IV - she's such a sweetheart.

Michelle, Dalisha, and Me

Michelle and Me in front of a Hot 350Z

Kayla and Me

Me and a Bike They Were Givin Away

And a pic of me and Cyndi that I took from Cyndi's profile, just for kicks. This was from Irev.

Yay. The ride on the way home was the best part of the entire trip. I actually bonded with Jerny and Klarkee and everyone somewhat at the show - we were just joking around and being goofy. Oh, I forgot to mention that Donny came and he was going to drive down and surprise Cyndi (AWWWWWWW!). Yeah, so on the way home, we were singing along to the Karaoke in Klarkee's car, but that got old pretty quick cuz Nick didn't know half the songs we were singing and the songs sucked. I dunno what led to it, but probably about 45 minutes away from Rockville, we all got pretty pumped and just started singing along with this CD. I'm pretty sure it was the Sean Paul song (I'm Still In Love With You). We were so hyper. And after that, we just started singing whatever song came into our head. It was amazing. Then we went to eat at Tara Thai in Rockville. We ordered four dishes for six people and we finished everything, which was yet again, pretty amazing. Then we went to sit in the Sports Authority parking lot where a lot of ricers had gathered for the ritual meet every weekend. The cops came, so we bolted. I don't know quite when we found it, but Somewhere Over The Rainbow was on the Karaoke DVD, and we kept singing that over and over again. We were so awesome! Talk about some bonding. We decided to head back to Klarkee's place to sing Karaoke (this is around 12:30 AM) and when YMCA came on, we all got up and started dancing. Jerny was the funniest. Hehehe! It was so funny. And everytime the chorus came on, people would sing Y-M-C-A with the arm signals and all, and we'd be too busy laughing after that, that Nick would be the only one singing "you've got to go to the..." and we'd all chime in again for YMCA. It was his solo. Hahaha. Yes, we're all clinically insane. Klarkee kicked us out because we were too loud and it was too late, hehe. So we left. Until we meet again! This is what Jerny wrote in his Xanga: "all i can say was "Somewhere Over the Rainbow sky up high".....what can beat singing inside a car with a beautiful import model.. till 1 in the morning... ... well i know one thing.. from 1-10 i give my day a 8... lots of fun..." AWWWWWWWW! I gave my day an 8.5! Only thing that would have made it a 9 or 9.5 is if Cyndi and Batman had come. We should rent a bus for Florida or something. It was such a fulfilling day. I can't wait until we all get to hang out again.

Sunday, Nick and I just basically bummed out. We watched Out of Time which was a GREAT movie. Any movie with Denzel Washington is great. Then I had to go to work. Then I went back to see Nicky. I really wish that I could see him more than just on the weekends. I feel so BLAH. I think I just need the cuddling, the hugs, the affection that I experience on the weekends. I need those everyday.

02/29/2004 - 7:42PM

Some pictures of Rex: my pride, my joy, my baby.

02/28/2004:

03/01/2004 - 3:33PM

Likk My Butthole: I'm having a bad day.
Marco: why?
Marco: talk to me!
Likk My Butthole: I just feel crappy about my relationship with Nick.
Marco: what do u mean?
Likk My Butthole: We lack affection.
Likk My Butthole: It just feels like we're friends.
Likk My Butthole: Just friends.
Likk My Butthole: And I certainly didn't like staying at his house and washing our cars while he went riding for hours.
Marco: hmmm
Marco: that was weird....
Marco: are you guys going to break up meyli?
Likk My Butthole: I don't know.
Likk My Butthole: I don't want to.
Likk My Butthole: But I'm not happy.
Likk My Butthole: And I haven't been.
Likk My Butthole: And why should we stay together if neither one of us is happy?
Marco: hmm
Marco: if you are not happy
Marco: and he is not happy
Marco: it is stupid to stay together?
Marco: and waste each others time?
Marco: u guys are basically friends with benefits?
Marco: nothing else?
Likk My Butthole: It just feels like that.
Likk My Butthole: I asked him what we do that friends don't do.
Likk My Butthole: And he said cuddle and sleep together.
Marco: hmmm
Likk My Butthole: And we only cuddle when he feels bad because I'm neglected.
Marco: thats not everything?
Marco: do u guys go out together?
Likk My Butthole: And when we sleep together, he doesn't hold me.
Likk My Butthole: Go out?
Marco: hold hands?
Marco: yea like go out to dinner?
Likk My Butthole: I want to hold hands.
Likk My Butthole: We never go out to dinner anymore cuz we don't wanna spend money.
Marco: so do u guys hold hands or what?
Likk My Butthole: Not really.
Marco: hmm
Likk My Butthole: Sometimes.
Likk My Butthole: Like when we first met, and we drove places.
Marco: i dunno...doesnt sond like you guys are in love?
Likk My Butthole: We'd always hold hands.
Likk My Butthole: Well I'm not asking to be in love.
Likk My Butthole: I'm asking to be in a relationship.
Likk My Butthole: I'm asking for the passion and romance we had before we started going out.
Marco: doesnt sound like it either
Likk My Butthole: We used to be all over each other.
Likk My Butthole: I don't wanna do it just to get off.
Likk My Butthole: I wanna do it because we care about each other, you know?
Marco: yea
Likk My Butthole: And I don't think that's why he wants to do it.
Marco: i dunno meyli...sounds like its ending.........
Marco: :'(
Marco: if ur not happy
Marco: and he is not happy......
Marco: then.......
Marco: ummm
Likk My Butthole: I dunno if he is happy.
Marco: why r u with him?
Marco: well if ur not happy why are u with him?
Likk My Butthole: Because I was once happy with him.
Likk My Butthole: And I really honestly believe that I can be happy again.
Likk My Butthole: Now I'm crying. :-(
Marco: well if u think u can be happy with him
Marco: then good luck
Marco: and why are u cry ing?
Likk My Butthole: :-\
Likk My Butthole: Cuz I feel sad.
Likk My Butthole: And I want to be happy.
Marco: well what happend?
Marco: why arent u happy anymore?
Likk My Butthole: Because I feel lonely.
Marco: damn i feel like a asshole...i make every girl cry
Marco: wtf
Marco: lol
Marco: ur number 3 today!
Marco: haha
Marco: :-(
Marco: well u feel lonley cause of distance
Marco: long distance relationships SUCK!!
Likk My Butthole: Nicky: Maybe we should just try to be friends, and see how that works out?
Likk My Butthole: I guess.
Nicky: I just want us both to be happy
Likk My Butthole: Me too.
Likk My Butthole: :-\
Marco: wtf
Marco: is that him?
Likk My Butthole: Yeah.
Likk My Butthole: Likk My Butthole: It just seems like we can be friends without having to go through the drama of a relationship.
Likk My Butthole: If we were friends, I'd still come over on weekends and chill.
Likk My Butthole: I mean, everything we do now, is what friends do. Nicky: Yeah true..
Likk My Butthole: Likk My Butthole: And if neither of us are happy in this relationship, I don't know why we are in it.
Likk My Butthole: :-\
Likk My Butthole: And then he said that.
Marco: :-(
Marco: sounds like its over...:-(
Likk My Butthole: Likk My Butthole: And I really like you, but when the feelings aren't reciprocated, I don't know what to feel.
Nicky: Sorry :-(
Likk My Butthole: Don't be.
Likk My Butthole: You can't make yourself have feelings for somebody.
Likk My Butthole: Like... 2-3 weeks ago.
Marco: im sorry girl!
Likk My Butthole: Last time we almost broke up.
Likk My Butthole: I called him.
Likk My Butthole: And he was crying so hard. :-(
Marco: hmm
Marco: that means he has feelings for u
Likk My Butthole: Then why doesn't he show it?
Marco: if he cried
Marco: hmm
Marco: what doesnt he do?
Likk My Butthole: I like hugs.
Likk My Butthole: And we never kiss.
Marco: waht u mean
Marco: never kiss?
Marco: huh?
Likk My Butthole: Never.
Marco: never kiss?
Marco: what?
Likk My Butthole: We never kiss.
Likk My Butthole: Makeout.
Likk My Butthole: Anything.
Marco: wtf
Marco: why not?
Likk My Butthole: I don't know.
Marco: did u ever ask him?
Likk My Butthole: We used to all the itme.
Likk My Butthole: *time
Marco: ask him why he dosent kiss u
Marco: ok
Marco: do this meyli
Marco: tell him
Marco: EVERYTHING u think is wrong with u guys ok?
Marco: and tell him
Marco: if he can fix it
Likk My Butthole: Likk My Butthole: How come we never kiss anymore?
Nicky: I don't know?
Marco: then u guys can give it another chance
Likk My Butthole: But he shouldn't be the one fixing everything.
Marco: well i mean
Marco: that kissing thing
Marco: is HIS FAULT
Likk My Butthole: This isn't his fault.
Marco: umm him not showing that he cares about u is his fault?
Marco: if he cries about u...he cares about u
Marco: but why doesnt he show it?
Marco: oh man i hope nick doesnt kill me:-(
Likk My Butthole: Because he doesn't know how.
Marco: well
Likk My Butthole: He hasn't had a lot of girlfriends.
Marco: then teach him?
Likk My Butthole: And he doesn't have a lot of girl friends either.
Marco: well meyli
Likk My Butthole: So psychologically, he doesn't know the distinction between the two.
Marco: tell him
Marco: what u think is wrong
Likk My Butthole: Maybe I was sent here just to show him.
Likk My Butthole: And prepare him for his next relationship.
Marco: U GOTTA TELL HIM WHATS WRONG!
Likk My Butthole: I do tell him.
Likk My Butthole: I just don't think he cares, Marco. :-(
Marco: and what does he do?
Marco: well
Marco: right there meyli
Likk My Butthole: He talks about what he had for lunch.
Marco: its over
Marco: le: I just don't think he cares, Marco. :-(
Marco: its over
Likk My Butthole: Don't say that. :-(
Marco: umm
Marco: meyli why u wanna be with him?
Marco: if he doesnt care?
Marco: if he NEVER shows u affection?
Marco: shit
Likk My Butthole: Because I liked who he was and how he made me feel when I first met him.
Marco: u are fucking Goregeous!!!
Marco: omg time goes on
Marco: me and my ex's
Marco: after like 2 months
Marco: i didnt have the feeling anymore
Marco: so we broke up cause it was stupid to stay with them
Marco: my current girl
Marco: 2 years almost
Marco: and im STILL like the first day with her
Likk My Butthole: You are?
Likk My Butthole: :-(
Marco: yea
Marco: i can talk to her 24/7
Marco: i can just lay in bed with her
Marco: hold her
Marco: watch tv
Marco: meyli
Marco: cmon girl
Marco: use ur brain?
Likk My Butthole: :-(
Marco: turn it on
Marco: please?
Likk My Butthole: I can't use my brain because my heart won't let me.
Marco: turn off ur heart?
Marco: lol
Marco: see u would be a HAPPIER PERSON
Marco: if u could turn off ur emotions
Marco: dont think of him
Marco: THINK OF YOU!
Marco: you have to be happy!
Likk My Butthole: Likk My Butthole: I guess time and distance have made us grow apart.
Likk My Butthole: I guess this is for the better.
Nicky: I guess so
Likk My Butthole: We had a lot of nice times.
Nicky: And we will have more
Likk My Butthole: Huh?
Marco: you had bad bf's....you deserve to be happy
Marco: and if nick doesnt make u happy
Marco: move the fuck on
Likk My Butthole: I don't meet a lot of people that I like.
Marco: well
Marco: meyli
Marco: seriously
Marco: IMO
Marco: just my opinion
Marco: u guys should end it
Marco: maybe not SPLIT up
Likk My Butthole: I know. :-(
Marco: maybe just a break
Marco: a few days
Marco: see how he reacts?
Marco: doesnt sound like he cares alot right now?
Likk My Butthole: Likk My Butthole: Maybe we should just take a break.
Nicky: Yeah..
Marco: i dunno
Marco: it doesnt sound like he cares
Likk My Butthole: No, it doesn't. :-(
Likk My Butthole: I just need to know that he wants to be with me.
Likk My Butthole: :-\
Marco: tell him?
Marco: he needs to show more affection towards u?
Marco: and gonna give him till wed
Marco: no no
Marco: ull give him till this weekend
Marco: and if he did not change
Marco: then it will be over
Marco: if he can show u affection...and show u that he really does care about u and stuff....then fine...but if not...its over
Marco: well thats what i would sy
Marco: say*
Likk My Butthole: The thing is that I know he knows how to show affection
Likk My Butthole: Cuz he used to be all over me before we started going out.
Marco: well see
Marco: TELL HIm
Marco: ask him wtf happend?
Likk My Butthole: Nicky: Lets just play it by ear
Nicky: see what happens
Nicky: see how we feel
Likk My Butthole: But what can happen if you don't try to make things happen.
Marco: play it by ear?
Marco: huh?
Likk My Butthole: Bleh.
Marco: meyli im sorry
Marco: r we getting a divorce?:-P
Likk My Butthole: I want to jump on a cloud and float away.
Marco: nah
Marco: dont
Marco: haha want me to bring u a chalupa?
Likk My Butthole: :-(
Marco: please?
Marco: we need u down here
Marco: dont do anything stupid
Marco: ok?
Likk My Butthole: I won't.
Marco: good
Marco: and dont cry, ur too pretty to cry:-)

03/01/2004 - 3:33PM

Likk My Butthole: Nicky, I wish we could be more romantic.
Likk My Butthole: There, I said it.
Likk My Butthole: So what do you think of us being more romantic?
Nicky: I think you're right
Likk My Butthole: :-)
Likk My Butthole: Cuz I remember when we first started hanging out.
Likk My Butthole: And we were all over each other.
Likk My Butthole: And we liked each other a lot.
Likk My Butthole: And I miss it.
Nicky: Yeah
Likk My Butthole: I think about those times a lot lately.
Nicky: Yeah, but I miss hanging out with my friends
Likk My Butthole: I'm not talking about whether or not you hang out with your friends.
Likk My Butthole: I'm talking about when we're together.
Likk My Butthole: I might as well just be another guy.
Likk My Butthole: Or your dog.
Likk My Butthole: Or your desk.
Nicky: Sorry
Likk My Butthole: Don't apologize.
Likk My Butthole: I think it's cuz you haven't been in a lot of relationships. And cuz you don't have many good friends that are girls.
Likk My Butthole: The way we are reminds me of like best friends.
Likk My Butthole: Not really boyfriend/girlfriend.
Nicky: yeah
Likk My Butthole: :-\
Likk My Butthole: Do you think you hang out with your friends 3x as much as you hang out with me?
Nicky: no
Likk My Butthole: Well, like think about it this way.
Likk My Butthole: When you hang out with your friends.
Likk My Butthole: You do friend things, laugh, joke around, have fun.
Likk My Butthole: Ride.
Likk My Butthole: Work on bikes, all that.
Likk My Butthole: When you hang out with me, what do we do that friends don't do?
Nicky: Cuddle..
Likk My Butthole: But we never cuddle.
Nicky: Sleep together
Likk My Butthole: We only cuddle when I make you feel bad.
Likk My Butthole: And we don't touch each other when we sleep.
Nicky: Cause I can't sleep like that
Likk My Butthole: I remember when I met you, and you said you were a really affectionate person.
Likk My Butthole: And you were.
Likk My Butthole: But now I feel like our relationship lacks affection.
Likk My Butthole: *shrugs*
Likk My Butthole: I just don't want to compromise what I would like in a relationship.
Likk My Butthole: because I won't be happy.
Likk My Butthole: And I don't think this is a change that would be too hard to make.
Likk My Butthole: If we just work at it, I know I can be happy.
Nicky: Yeah
Likk My Butthole: I have been happy with you, and even though it's been a long time since i have been, I know I can be again.
Likk My Butthole: :-\
Likk My Butthole: :'(
Nicky: ?
Likk My Butthole: *sigh*
Likk My Butthole: I just wish I could be happy.
Nicky: I'm sorry
Likk My Butthole: Why are you sorry?
Likk My Butthole: It's my own fault.
Nicky: Cause I don't make you happy
Likk My Butthole: How can I make you happy if I can't make myself happy.
Likk My Butthole: I shouldn't have to depend on another human to make myself feel better.
Nicky: I duno
Likk My Butthole: Humans are so fickle and everchanging.
Likk My Butthole: I wish I could just float away into space forever.
Nicky: I'm so cold :-(
Nicky: :-\
Auto response from Likk My Butthole: :'(
I'll fix these broken things
Repair your broken wings
And make sure everything's alright
My pressure on her hips
Sinking my fingertips
Into every inch of you
Cause I know that's what you want me to do

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
Her heart is breaking in front of me
And I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore

Likk My Butthole: Are you happy?
Nicky: That it's nice?
Likk My Butthole: No, in our relationship.
Nicky: I don't know
Likk My Butthole: :-\
Likk My Butthole: It just seems like we can be friends without having to go through the drama of a relationship.
Likk My Butthole: If we were friends, I'd still come over on weekends and chill.
Likk My Butthole: I mean, everything we do now, is what friends do.
Nicky: Yeah true..
Likk My Butthole: And if neither of us are happy in this relationship, I don't know why we are in it.
Likk My Butthole: :-\
Nicky: Maybe we should just try to be friends, and see how that works out?
Likk My Butthole: I guess.
Nicky: I just want us both to be happy
Likk My Butthole: Me too.
Nicky: Maybe we need to take a step back
Likk My Butthole: Well in order for us to be happy, we need to stop taking steps back.
Likk My Butthole: We're no longer in a relationship.
Likk My Butthole: We were more in a relationship BEFORE we started going out.
Nicky: Yeah..
Likk My Butthole: :-(
Likk My Butthole: And I really like you, but when the feelings aren't reciprocated, I don't know what to feel.
Nicky: Sorry :-(
Likk My Butthole: Don't be.
Likk My Butthole: You can't make yourself have feelings for somebody.
Likk My Butthole: How come we never kiss anymore?
Nicky: I don't know?
Likk My Butthole: :-[
Likk My Butthole: I remember when you used to always try to kiss me.
Likk My Butthole: Before our first kiss.
Nicky: Sorry I make you sad :-(
Likk My Butthole: I guess time and distance have made us grow apart.
Likk My Butthole: I guess this is for the better.
Nicky: I guess so
Likk My Butthole: We had a lot of nice times.
Nicky: And we will have more
Likk My Butthole: Huh?
Nicky: It's not like this is the last time were gonna talk to eachother
Nicky: or hang out
Likk My Butthole: Oh.
Likk My Butthole: Maybe we should just take a break.
Nicky: Yeah..
Likk My Butthole: Okay.
Likk My Butthole: Maybe I was sent here to prepare you for your next girlfriend.
Likk My Butthole: I know you're not stupid, Nicky.
Likk My Butthole: I know that you know how to act to a girl you like.
Likk My Butthole: Because you treated me that way before we went out.
Likk My Butthole: I just need to know that you really do care about me, and that you really do want to be with me.
Likk My Butthole: That's what this break is for.
Likk My Butthole: Maybe you don't think it's worth it.
Nicky: Lets just play it by ear
Nicky: see what happens
Nicky: see how we feel
Likk My Butthole: But what can happen if you don't try to make things happen.
Likk My Butthole: Can I ask you why you're not anymore like how you were when we first met?
Nicky: I don't really know..
Likk My Butthole: Maybe you just enjoy going after girls.
Likk My Butthole: And then when you get them, what's the use.
Likk My Butthole: Relationships are a lot more complicated. You have to keep working. Once you get me, you don't win. You have to keep trying and trying.
Nicky: Don't be sad
Nicky: Everything is gonna be ok
Likk My Butthole: How?
Nicky: everything happens for a reason
Likk My Butthole: Well now you can do whatever you want.
Likk My Butthole: I think I'm depressed because nobody pays attention to me.
Nicky: :-\
Nicky: You think no one does
Nicky: but they do
Likk My Butthole: Nobody does.
Likk My Butthole: I don't like driving 200 miles to be able to see you every weekend and then lie in bed and watch TV while you play on the computer.
Likk My Butthole: I don't like going places with you, and we never hold hands.
Likk My Butthole: So then I don't get attention from you.
Likk My Butthole: Nobody pays attention to me here cuz I'm always in my room.
Likk My Butthole: I feel like if I died, no one would notice.
Likk My Butthole: I wish I could dampen the desert with my tears.
Nicky: :-\
Likk My Butthole: Maybe you can take this week to reassess your feelings for me and our relationship.
Likk My Butthole: Because I already know how I feel.
Nicky: ok..
Nicky is away at 3:58:37 PM.

03/01/2004 - 3:33PM

Am I single again? I don't know! Somebody tell me!

What a horrible day. I lost my membership on E46Fanatics (they banned my IP), my marbles, and now I'm losing my boyfriend.

4:05PM:
How can I rightfully give others advice on their relationships if I don't even follow my own personal views on relationships?

4:07PM:
Songs I'm Listening To That Are Just Depressing Me More:
Bryan Adams - Right Here Waiting For You
Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not The One

4:11PM:
I'm noticing that just about every other journal entry is about trouble in my relationship.

6:13PM:
I don't think he misses me.

03/02/2004

1:54PM:
Thank you for your wonderful comments. Juan, you're right that it's by Richard Marx, but Bryan Adams did a cover? Hehe. James, you are too much of a sweetie. Anyways, I have a feeling things will be okay. We just both need to work on our relationship. I honestly believe that what we have is special, and I'm not going to give up on it that easy. <3

10:01PM:
Jasmine: I just heard that you guys aren't together anymore.
Jasmine: Nick told me.
Likk My Butthole: Not together anymore?
Likk My Butthole: I thought we're on a break.
Likk My Butthole: What the hell.
Likk My Butthole: :-\
Jasmine: uh oh...
Jasmine: Maybe it means the same thing to him.
Likk My Butthole: I guess we have different views on what a break is.
Jasmine: Don't listen to me.
Jasmine: I don't want to make things worse.
Likk My Butthole: I see a break as us being still together, but just taking a step back to re-evaluate the relationship.
Likk My Butthole: No other people told me this morning too.
Likk My Butthole: And I sent him an IM but he never responded to it.

11:26PM:
And then the cold, harsh truth hit me... If somebody doesn't want to, or is unable to show how they care (or if they even care at all), chances are, they don't.

11:41PM:
It's been about 5 minutes since he got home, and he still hasn't IM'ed me. How could you know that somebody you supposedly care about is in agonizing emotional pain and not offer any form of consolation??? =\

03/03/2004

12:13AM:
I've been bawling my eyes out for about 2.5 hours now. Wow, I never knew what it was like to hurt this much.

I honestly wish I had just kept rejecting Nick and remained friends with him so that I wouldn't have to feel like this. It feels like he doesn't even care. I sure as hell won't be sleeping tonight.

12:32AM:
I need to stop being so dependent on others. The only person I can depend on is myself. And that's not a very safe thought. I need to take a deep breath and try to forget everything. Every last memory. Every laugh, every tear... for now. It's too painful to remember. We may get back together, we may not. Maybe the tables will turn in a shocking twist at an unexpected moment. Be strong, Meyli. Be very very strong. *sigh* My heart is too big. That is my flaw. I need to start being careful who I give it to. But how can you give somebody something as precious as your heart... if you no longer have one.

12:57AM:
I think I'm all cried out now. I just feel... ambivalent. How did I go from feeling like everything was great yesterday morning to ...this?

1:44AM:
How ironic that the one person, who would get jealous of guys hanging out with me, get worried when I went clubbing - all because he was afraid of losing me - is now the one pushing me away.

2:18AM:
Nogodznomasters: No one person is worth being unhappy over.

2:46AM:
Everytime I read this, I burst into tears:

It's from late September.

I don't think he'll ever know how much he meant to me.

3:52AM:
I don't think it's necessarily that I need Nicky in my life, or that I want to die or anything like that. But it's only been half a year since the last time my heart got crushed. And I feel so... stupid? Naive? Relationships are stupid. I knew that subconsciously. And that's what took so long for Nick and me to finally be together... Although we had a lot of good times, yet overcame so many obstacles together, he'll always have a special place deep within my locked heart. I need to take a deep breath and grow up and be mature. Fate made us find each other at this specific point in our lives so that we'd help each other find true happiness at a further point in time, even if it's with other people. <3 Now I can finally rest.

2:26PM:
Well, I finally went to bed pretty late last night. And got up pretty early. My heart is heavy, but my eyes have dried. This morning I got an IM from Nick saying "feel better, everything will be ok". Well I'm glad one of us is cheery and optimistic about the demise of our relationship. I don't know quite how I feel anymore.

The person he is, as an entity, is somebody who I get along with, and have a great time with. He's a fantastic friend. We have a lot in common, the exact same sense of humor, and he has a fantastic personality. Boyfriend-wise, is where the problems arise. He's not what I am looking for in a boyfriend, yet he was once, and this is why I took a risk and leapt into this relationship with him. Perhaps my ideal boyfriend doesn't exist. It always seems that the guys I find who are great boyfriends, aren't people that I like - personality/interest wise. Nick has 50% of the puzzle, and although that's a harder 50% to find (I don't meet a lot of people who I get along with so well), that doesn't mean that the other 50% of a boyfriend is less important. What is the other 50%, might you ask? Well I was just reading this gorgeous model Min's journal on MySpace, and she words it perfectly.

This is what she wrote:
It's more about how he makes me feel when I'm with him. Not horny, but how he makes me feel inside. The warm, fuzzy feeling you get when your with that someone special. The rush you feel before you see that person. What I look for in a man, my man is the need, the desire he feels to be with me. Not the sexual desires, but emotional desires and the needs. The need that he needs to be with me. The thought that makes him call me just to say "hello." The soft kiss when not expected. When he wraps my hand into his and the safe feeling I feel when I'm in his arms. I miss that feeling! I miss that so called thing, LOVE. I JUST REALIZED WHAT I REALLY WANT FROM A MAN, NOT A LITTLE BOY, BUT A MAN WHO'S NOT AFRAID TO TAKE THE TIME AND TAKE CHANCES IN LIFE, IN LOVE.

But one thing different about me, is that I don't miss being in love. Because I don't believe I have ever been in love. I thought I fell in love when I first met Nick and he was this incredible amazing guy... but I guess it was just a combination of infatuation and lust. I had a giddy little feeling having a crush on him, like in elementary school or something. And it felt great. Yet, at the same time. We were such good friends - I didn't want to risk ending up... well.. like this? It's hard for me to trust people in the first place. But when somebody says those things (in the conversation above) and I really believe them and think they are sincere, it pains my heart to read those things now. He didn't lie. He honestly believed those things. But I guess I'm such a horrible person that everybody hates me, and nobody wants to be with me. I'm such a fucked up person, that if I'm not playing mind games with men, they are breaking my heart. I don't know what I feel anymore. I just wish I had... 100%. And although Nick may be 50% of a boyfriend, and 100% of what I look for in a friend, I have a feeling that he may soon be 0% of my life, because he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He was the one who told me that if he couldn't be my boyfriend, that he probably wouldn't be able to just be my friend. *shrugs* Why can't I find a guy who is 100% of a great friend and 100% of a great boyfriend? Perhaps he doesn't exist. I'm so confused, and... empty.

3:16PM:
The reality of the matter is... that I've never met anybody who is as good a friend as Nick. Somebody who I clicked with. And I guess I've realized that the 50% of my ideal boyfriend in the friend-sense is the hardest to find. So I am lucky that I have found somebody like that. But... what makes a good boyfriend for me, is something that people can change. You can change how affectionate you are, how sweet, and sensitive, all that. But you can't change your personality, sense of humor, your interests... to match someone else's. I should have been grateful to have Nick as a friend, but I was too naive to realize that we shouldn't have wanted more.

3:51PM:
A lot of people keep messaging me to tell me "don't worry, you can do better" or "don't worry, you'll find somebody who treats you better", but what they fail to realize is that I never said I was the perfect girlfriend, much less a perfect person. We all have our flaws. And though it may be easy to snap my fingers and have a boyfriend I'm less than satisfied with, it is EXTREMELY hard for me to find someone who I want to be with. I have found somebody who I want to be with. And I want to be with him. But, life, in its sick twists and turns, has decreed that he doesn't want to be with me in return. Which is okay. And while it may hurt right now, everything happens for a reason. If we were meant to be together for a little longer, that's what will happen. Maybe both of us will change for the better to be ideal boyfriends and girlfriends for one another. Perhaps not. Only time will tell.

5:12PM:
Well, I just got off the phone with Nick. I was very surprised that he called me from work, and must admit that it's very mature of him to keep in contact with me even through this ordeal. He was very nice to me, and we talked just like friends. He tol dme not to be sad and that it's not that he doesn't like me, but that he wants us to both be happy. He said if I wanna come down this weekend, it's up to me. But I don't want to just invite myself over to have another miserable weekend. I want him to WANT to see me, and not view me as a burden like.. "oh, well if YOU want to come over, you can if YOU want..." I want to hear something like "I miss you, and would like it if you could come down this weekend." Even just as a friend. I'm not going to misinterpret that as "I WANNA DO YOU RIGHT NOW." I know that right now we are just friends. If I heard him say something like that, it'd make my day, just to hear him say that. But he won't. So I guess I'll probably end up inviting myself since I have jack shit to do up here. He has my license too so there goes the "fun" night on the town I was supposed to go have with some new friends tomorrow evening. Nick has a couple items of mine in his possession, and unfortunately, it's not even the license I'm concerned about. I couldn't tell if he missed me on the phone, but I don't want to assume that he does and then just be disappointed again. He's probably having the best week of his life, stress free, girlfriend free. If he doesn't invite me to come to see him this weekend (not wanna come over?, but... "I'd like to see you, etc."), I'll probably go chill with my friends from Toyota. I guess... I just want to hear Nick speak from his heart. And tell me how he really feels about me. =\ I look like hell today. But I don't care, because there's no one to impress over here.

5:52PM:
I've never been very good with fractions. Or percentage. But this is what I've derived.

IDEAL BOYFRIEND = 50% FRIEND (common interests, shared personality, sense of humor, etc.) + 50% BOYFRIEND (affection, companionship, boyfriend thingys)
NICKY = 100% Friend... Maybe... 75% Boyfriend?
Thus... Nicky = 87.5% what Melly wants (cumulative total, assuming that Nicky becomes more affectionate and romantic again)

He actually has been a pretty good boyfriend (this is overall cumulatively combined, not just the past month). I liked when we'd drive around and he'd kiss my hand. Just randomly. No reason. Just to kiss it. (little things that count?) He used to cuddle with me in bed and hold me while I'd share with him my views on life, love, and absolute happiness. I miss the passion.

I look at Cyndi and Donny's relationship. Yes, I know they are two entirely different people. They see each other even less often than I see Nick, yet... their relationship appears solid and strong. I think it's because neither of them holds back. They aren't afraid to express how they feel for one another. Though it may seem a bit soon to us when they said they love each other after only a short time, it makes my heart swoon to think of such a passionate romance - full of feeling and.. so real. One day I will have a relationship like that. Maybe with Nick. Maybe with somebody else. Maybe... just maybe.

6:05PM:

Sooo... are we together? Not together? Am I supposed to miss him? Or move on? How come nobody will give me set rules for what I'm supposed to do right now? I'm confused. Utterly.

I know I shouldn't, but I feel like men wouldn't "take breaks" on me if I were just (insert adjective here). Prettier, smarter, anything. I feel like this is a personal attack on me. I feel like all the perfect girls have wonderful relationships and everybody loves them. I know it's not true, but this is how I feel. I don't know how long this break is going to last. Or if I'm supposed to move on. Or what. WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME? I'm so confused. =| Is it like "oh, we took a break" (like a real break break), or a short break just to give each other a little space. Are we still together??? I don't know! I feel lonely. I wish I had somebody near me to just come give me a hug. BLEH!

6:12PM:
Crying again. Talking to Ted. Why am I the only one who is sad?? Holy cow. *bangs her head on the desk*

6:43PM:
Likk My Butthole: We're on a break.
Likk My Butthole: I dunno what that means.
Likk My Butthole: Are we still together?
WutevAs CLevA: u havent spoken with him since..u both decided to be on a "break" even though ur on a break
WutevAs CLevA: ?
Likk My Butthole: No, we still talk.
WutevAs CLevA: have u asked him
Likk My Butthole: I don't know.
Likk My Butthole: Like a break can be either way.
Likk My Butthole: A break can be we broke up, and maybe we'll get back together.
Likk My Butthole: Or a break can be, we're just together still, but are taking some time to think about things.
WutevAs CLevA: to me..
WutevAs CLevA: break is..takin time apart...to think more clearly without bein influenced by emotions....and to see if you really do think the relationship is worth it..
WutevAs CLevA: is there a timetable for this break
Likk My Butthole: I don't think so.
Likk My Butthole: So is that why he's not sad?
Likk My Butthole: Cuz we're still together?
WutevAs CLevA: yea break doesnt mean yall broke up and arent together no more
Likk My Butthole: Oh.
Likk My Butthole: So why am I sad?
WutevAs CLevA: mm sounds to me..ur sad because..u dont think he's bein affected as much as u?
WutevAs CLevA: maybe?
Likk My Butthole: But this COULD be the end.
Likk My Butthole: That's why I'm sad.
Likk My Butthole: This isn't like he's gone away for a trip and he's coming back.
WutevAs CLevA: mm yea..true
WutevAs CLevA: so u do want to still be with him yea?
Likk My Butthole: Yeah.
Likk My Butthole: More than he'll ever know
. WutevAs CLevA: i got ya
WutevAs CLevA: mm yall shouldve set how long the break would be and then decide things from there
Likk My Butthole: I don't want to talk about it with him.
Likk My Butthole: Cuz when we talk, we talk about nice normal things.
WutevAs CLevA: yea but..u dont want to be all wonderin forever
WutevAs CLevA: gotta settle things sooner or later

6:49PM:
At least now I know!

Likk My Butthole: I have a ?
Nicky: Ok
Likk My Butthole: Are we still together? And is that why you're not sad?
Nicky: I don't know what we are, but I know you're still a big part of my life and I don't want to lose that..
Likk My Butthole: Cuz last time we nearly broke up, you cried real hard.
Likk My Butthole: So I assumed that we're still together, but on a little break.
Likk My Butthole: But not like OFFICIALLY over.
Likk My Butthole: So that's why you're not sad right now.
Likk My Butthole: And I shouldn't be sad either.
Likk My Butthole: Is that right?
Likk My Butthole: I dunno what I'm supposed to do/feel.
Nicky: Sounds good..
Likk My Butthole: Okay.
Nicky: Just be happy
Likk My Butthole: *high five*
Nicky: Everything will be ok
Likk My Butthole: I sure hope so.
Likk My Butthole: :-)

03/04/2004 - 8:06PM
Whoa, I just called Nicky just to say hello and see what's up, and it went something like this:

Melly: Hi Nicky!
Nicky: Uh.. hi?
Melly: Whatcha doin'? :)
Nicky: Umm... driving?
Melly: Hehe, cool. Where?
Nicky: Uhh... why does that matter?

WHOA, NELLY! Where is HE going? An issue never seemed to arise all the other times I was just curious where he was going. Sheesh. That makes me feel kinda sad that he sounded like that on the phone, like he had something to hide. I don't know if I want to go down to stay with him this weekend anymore.

03/06/2004 - 1:17PM

And you know what? I'm okay with it. :) Write about it in my next entry.