It wasn�t so long ago that I had begun to realize I was wrong about a lot of things. For one, I was wrong when I thought that Jonny was doing something good for my manic depression. But thinking about it, I�m wrong about that too. Jonny has done amazing things for me. This episode, long and never ending, started at the end of November when I had begun to have doubts about his commitment to me.

      �Melissa? Earth to Melissa? He pokes me again.
      �God dammit, Andrew.. WHAT?!
      �If it makes you feel any better, my girlfriend cheats on me too. Yes, that makes me feel worlds better. NOT. But this does make me feel a little better because Jonny has not really �cheated on me in his mind. I ask Andrew what happened.
      �She brought a guy home with her last night while I was at her place. Then she tried to lie about it.
      Bummer, dude.

      It is so depressing, sitting here online staring at my buddy list, and waiting for an IM that will never come my way. From who? Oh, from my oh so darling boyfriend. I have 8 people on my buddies list. One is me. 3 are Jonny. One is the girl he cheated on me with. I stare at his screen name, boring holes from my eyes into the tiny little pixels that have darkened to spell out Cute301Guy. It is really just plain pathetic how our relationship has gone online. He doesn�t want to see me anymore, so I have to wait for him to IM me. If I IM him, then he gets all uptight and says mean things to me. Computers are so stupid.

      The things he said to me last night. (online, of course) were so cold, and heartless. How could someone I thought loved me, say such mean and hurtful things to me? He said I was selfish, weak, paranoid, and messed up. He said he would not put up with my crap anymore. And the most hurtful thing was that he didn�t blame my father for committing suicide or my friends for leaving me. But then all of a sudden, like a true manic-depressive, Jonny starts talking about the Abercrombie sweaters I gave him and how nice they are. So the conversation ends on kind of an upnote. But I thought I was the only one who could do that. I really do think that I�m turning him bipolar.

      I thought I would never find a way to make Jonny prove that he loved me and loved me for real. But last night, when I was lying on the floor, crying myself to sleep, and mutilating my right thumbnail, it finally hit me. I want him to date me. Not go out with me. I want him to date me and as many girls as he wants for the next month. And at the end of the month, he�ll pick one, and if it�s me, then I�ll know that he really does love me. If it�s not me, well, then I deal, and just find somebody new. Somebody faithful and who will make me feel special. Someone who has infinite patience and who wants to take care of me for as long as I need them to. Phase four, if you will, of the next part of my life.

      Andrew wants me to come up and make his girlfriend jealous. I don�t even understand why there are still together. She obviously doesn�t care about him. Andrew told me that he once tried to break up with her, but she wouldn�t let him. He said this time, he would make it clear and tell her to get the hell out. I have tried so many times to break up with Jonny, but I don�t think any of those times, I really wanted to. Andrew�s story is a rather complicated one. But here goes. *horns blare* ANDREW�S STORY *applause*. Hi, my name is Andrew. And this is my story. I have ADD and I�m really just about done with college cuz my grades have been getting really bad. I came back to a place around Olney, Maryland for winter break and I�ve been staying in my best friend�s apartment which is coincidentally right next to my girlfriend, Sona�s, apartment. So. earlier on the day of reckoning. Sona was asking for about thirty minutes if we were going to have a baby, if I would have sex with her and cum inside of her, and I said �NO!. because it was stupid and I�m not about to make a mistake that I�ll have to live with forever. Then she asked, �we are gonna get married, though, right?. and I said �not right now.. Sona then realized that I might not be coming back, and that I wouldn�t impregnate her or marry her by the end of the week, so she got drunk and we went to a party. (By the way, Melissa is still waiting for Cute301Guy to IM her). ---At the party--- I�m not really much of a drinker, and Sona was flirting with some guy, but I didn�t really feel like dealing with it. At this point, Sona�s friend Nicole, drags me over to Sona and Mystery Guy and introduces me asgod forbid THE BOYFRIEND. I looked at Sona and said �don�t flirt with too many guys, I�m leaving and then I jet off with my friends (not in a real jet, of course). At around one o�clock, my friends go to bed, so I decide to go to Sona�s apartment and read until she gets back. One of her roommates, Jess, had just gotten out of the shower, when I got up, and lo and behold, Sona and Mystery Guy come waltzing into the apartment. Sona then starts trying to lie about some girl named Angela who was at the party and being a bitch. When she sees that I�m not buying it, she says �some guy is here to hook up with Jess Whatever, bitch. Jess was in her pajamas and getting ready for bed. Sona takes me downstairs and asks if I�m going to be back next semester. I shrug. Then Sona has the nerve to ask me to sleep in my friend�s apartment tonight. I said �okay, fuck this. Why don�t you just fuck the hell out of the guy? I�m leaving. I grabbed my shit and left. Later, she came over to my place. She tried to sit on my lap, but I pushed her away. I told her that I knew she was lying and that she might as well just give it up already. She said �whatever, you know that I love you. I had been with her for about four months and I had really fallen in love with her. But fuck her, I am not going be treated like this. I can fall out of love just as easily as I fell in love Okay, maybe not. I wish that were true, but it's going to be the case. Maybe with a few broken dishes here and there! Hehe So, what do you think? Melissa? Melissa? Melissa?

      My compulsions have gotten worse. My thumbnail looks disgusting. All I can do is look at it, and then I�ll be typing with one hand and not even noticing that I�m picking the fuck out of it with one hand. I�ve laid in the bathtub, crying, only to be disappointed with the safety features of the Gillette Venus razor. I bought six packs of Unisom sleep gels. Each pack has 16 pills. I knew it wouldn�t work the first night. So I had backup packs. Starting on New Year�s Eve, I would take a pack every night of the week until I finally, fucking died. But something came up. Jonny. He came. And in a way, he saved me from myself. He found one pack. The pack I was going to be using that night. And he took them. Jonny said to me last night that he was sick of saving me. He didn�t want to do it anymore. He�s sick of my bullshit and putting up with my crap. Then why does he do it? Why don�t we just break up? He took away the hope I had this new year, that things would be okay. Jonny changed into someone mean. He became my enemy. And even though I still have 4 more packs hidden in very good locations, I�m not going to use them. Because he gave me a hope and he gave me a reason. He was that someone for me, but I wish to God that I could be his someone too.

      Eugene and I met a couple of days before I tried to kill myself in May 2001. We had been talking for some time online. He went to my high school but was on a break from college. So "Anna" and I just kind of drove up there to say hi, and I think he thought I was cute. I thought he was cute too. "Anna" was just grabbing around at everything. She took his Sausalito cookies and a couple boxes of Altoids. I thought it was kind of rude, and he was looking at me like we were crazy. Then his friend Graham Waters came and he was totally hot and we locked them out of the house. And then they got all pissed off and we hid from them but they found us. Then we got kicked out of the house. We left cute notes on Graham�s jeep. That was the end of me and Eugene.

      Tue, 18 Dec 2001 11:30:36 PM
�My love for you is strong, and I will not let you fall through the cracks. I don't accept you're resignation as my girlfriend. This can be the step to re appreciate what I have been taking for granted. I will always appreciate you, and continue to do so in the future. I love you Melissa, and I don't care if you say otherwise. I'm not leaving you, nor I can't see myself with out you... #060;/i>
      So much has changed Jonny continues to take me for granted. He tells others that he can�t leave me because I�ll �never find another guy like him to love me as much as he does. He doesn�t tell those other girls that he can�t leave me because.. god forbid.. he loves me? Jonny continues to be single in his mind and the minds of every girl he talks to. He makes me look like someone he has to take care of. A burden. A fucking chore. And then those girls think �awwww, Jonny is so sweet to be taking care of some stupid crazy girl. Well, I am sick of being that stupid crazy girl. Jonny needs to let people know that he loves me. He is in love with me and that is why he is with me. Not for any other reason. And if that�s not the case. Then we are so over. He always said that he didn�t care what other people thought about the relationship. It always upset me that he never told people I was his girlfriend. Or that Sparky was my car. Even when he is supposed to be committed, he is still trying to score points with other girls. It makes me sick.

      Wed, 19 Dec 2001 09:06:10 AM
�Dear Melissa, Good Morning, baby! You are feeling much better today, and you will have a great day. I love you very much, and will never let you fall out of my reach. You're cheery today because you have a boy friend, and his name is Jonny =) You were never alone, and never will be as long as I'm with you. I'm faithfully yours and will do anything to make you happy. Show me a big, cute smile, and have a nice day sweetie. Love you, Jonny
      This was the last email Jonny wrote me before everything went downhill. I don�t know why, but it lead me to believe that everything was fine. Perfectly fine. Then Jonny gave me a call from work. He said we could hang out Friday or Sunday. �What about Saturday? I implored. That�s when he laid this whole one week break crap on me. He said he thought we needed to take a break. I agreed to let him have my break. And this is where the trouble starts. When two people are in love, and they decide to take a break, I would think this kind of break means that both partners take some time off to sit back, relax, and think things through about the relationship. This is what kind of break I took. Jonny, on the other hand, took it to mean that he was free to do whatever the hell he wanted. He met this girl named Diana off of the internet. And they ended up kissing. Of course, Jonny tried to keep this from me. When Jonny and I got together the following Sunday, I could not stop crying. But my tears on the 23rd of December could not even compare to the flood from the weeks after.

      I don�t know where this magical transformation came from. He used to be the sweetest, most sensitive and caring guy I had ever met. He listened to me. He understood me. He was my Mr. Perfect. But last night, he said the meanest things to me. No one has ever been that mean. And I thought it ended last night, but today, he continued to be just as insensitive and mean as he was last night. I don�t think this will ever end. I�m being tortured in a relationship where I�m not allowed to leave. He made plans with Diana tonight. Screw Melissa. Who cares about Melissa? No one. I don�t think I�m being selfish in wanting to spend time with my boyfriend who cheated on me a month ago. I don�t think I�m being paranoid for worrying about him hanging out with the girl he cheated on me with. I used to believe Jonny when he said that he loved me, but the way he treats me now is unacceptable. How could anyone say such cruel things to me? Now I have no one. The person I�m in love with treats me so badly. I never treated him like this. I may have treated him badly at times, but I was never so MEAN to him. What did I do to deserve this? I hate being fucked up, and I hate it when I am blamed for having a disease I did not choose to have. I used to think that Jonny was capable of filling this role. I guess I was wrong again. I just know that he�s going to kiss Diana and not tell me. And even if he doesn�t kiss her tonight, it will only be a matter of time before she sinks her claws into him and takes him away. He said he would always love me, no matter what. He said that he would never leave me, no matter what. He said that as long as I needed him, he would be here for me.

      I like cherry coke.

      When two people are in love, they�re in love. And there is no question about it. Even if they yearn and long and dream about other things or people, they should never act on it. No. Not if they are in love. When Jonny and I took a break, I sat in my room and I cried. I cried for him, I cried for myself. I cried for our relationship. I did not go around getting my mack on with everything with a dick. Jonny made a new friend named Diana who he met off the internet. He even brought her to his house and went to hers. And they kissed. Even if it was a small kiss, it was still a kiss. And it hurts. It hurts so much. I used to trust Jonny, I really did. Sure, I was afraid of losing him, but I still put my trust in him. I had faith in him that he would never do anything to hurt me. But I was wrong. Dead wrong. I think God put him in my life so that I would get my heart stomped on over and over and over again. I am sick of crying. I wish I could just go back to slutty Melissa who never gave a shit about the people she hurt. She was mean, and cold, and oh so cool. Jonny should have known. If he really did love me, he wouldn�t have even touched Diana. They are probably having sex and I don�t even know it. I am sick of the lies and the secrets. They are so lame and pathetic. But you know what? No matter how many times I say I hate Jonny Andrews, I know I�ll never fool myself. Because I love him. I loved him when he was sweet and kind, and I still love him now, even as the asshole and jerk I know he really is. Why did he give up on me? All of a sudden, he just stopped caring? I don�t think so. I think he is talking to so many girls and they are putting these thoughts in his. He told me he would never give up on me, no matter what.

I promise, I won't cheat on you with Diana, or any girl. Especially without letting you know. I do love you Melissa, but you are becoming a pain in my ass lately. I'm sorry if I have been acting meaner than usual, I can tell that I am. I feel that my patience has run very low with you, and I'm very tired of repeating myself and reassuring you this often. You need to get professional help, help yourself get better, stop sitting at home wasting your time doing nothing. If I were you, my main function in life would be to find something that could help me get better, or lessen these episodes. I care about you, but I'm tired of carrying you through this relationship. Go out and have fun with friends, do anything you want. Have sex, as long as it�s protected... if u have unprotected sex with anyone, I will never have sex with you again. Just in case you want to do someone... we can still hang out as often as you want, except I don't want to see you drink and drive again. I swear that is the most immature thing you can do. If you want to kill yourself, don't put other innocent people's lives in danger. That�s so selfish, drinking and driving. My sister is on the road, my friends... I would not forgive you if you messed up like that. We can hang out on Saturday, don't sleep in too late, I�m going to get my hair cut, and if I don't hear from you I will make other plans with other people. I won't give up on you, but I'm not trying as hard anymore. I still love you so much, that I am backing off, to gather my strength to deal with you again... Love, Jonny

      Yes, I have officially reached a new level of lameness. I blocked all of Jonny�s screen names, right? And then I unblocked them. And then I took them off my list. And then I put them back on my list. And then I blocked them. And then I unblocked them. Repeat for about thirty minutes.

      John Reid. My skater guy fascination played a huge role during the month before I tried to kill myself last May [2001]. He had just turned 16 the day after Hannah did and he had a friend named Mike Devaughn who was really sweet. Mike turned 16 the summer before, so he was older than me. Then there was Jeremy Zimmerli who was this lame ass 18 year old who hung around John and Mike. He thought Mike was his best friend, but both John and Mike thought he was a loser. John and Jeremy smoked, but Mike didn�t. And Mike was still a virgin too. =) He was just so adorable too. I had my eye on Mike, but I ended up really connecting with John (another one, bah). John was so sweet, and talking on the phone with him was just so much fun. He would play guitar for me and he would listen to me. He really was just an all around sweet guy. One time we talked on the phone from 7PM to 4AM. It was just so sweet. He said he was going to buy an island and he wanted me to come live with him. When we finally met, everything had changed though. Hannah had gotten me so nervous that when we saw them coming up the escalator, we ran into the closest store, screaming, and trying to find a place to hide. The night was bad. I don�t feel like getting into it. John ended up finding some fat white chick named Jenna and they�re basically still together. That was the end of me and John.

      Men were not born with the skills to deal with a bipolar girlfriend. Especially not one with so many other things wrong with them. Jonny and I have now reached another phase in our relationship. One where I can�t be myself, and I basically have to pretend I�m not bipolar anymore. I miss Jonny. I can�t believe that I have to wait until Saturday to see him. I thought that I was given the privilege of seeing him whenever the hell I wanted. But now it�s Jonny that�s calling the shots in this relationship. It�s basically let me hang out with all these girls, or you won�t ever get to hang out with me again. How do relationships turn out like this? I start out with the power solely put into my hands. A couple weeks later, I�m the one being dragged around on a leash. I just wish he would care. Just because he doesn�t give a fuck what I do with my life, he expects me to let him do whatever he wants with all those other girls, one of which he kissed last month. It upsets me that he has this mindset. I wish he would look at me and look at the world. I�m so vulnerable, and he should want to shield me from everything obscene. I guess we start this relationship over where I�m �normal and he�s �the best boyfriend in the world and I have to let him do whatever he wants. *sigh* Life sucks. Everything sucks.

      And then he said �someone out here loves you.

      One night, one lonely desperate night, Jonny upset me. I got on the phone and I dialed his number. No answer. I kept dialing and hanging up and redialing. Crying, gasping for air, and clawing at the mirror. I do that a lot lately. I just go to the bathroom, and I stand in front of it with the phone next to my head and I just look at how pathetic I�ve become. I set a legacy at my school. People respected me and how much power I held. But now, I just spend every other night crying over a BOY. One boy. Crying feels so awful, yet it feels so good. It feels so great to just let go of everything and to sob. It feels good to sleep on the floor, and cough of blood, and cry for everything you lost.

      I can�t remember my situation with Jonny�s screen names anymore.

      It�s kind of upsetting to think that I can�t talk to Jonny the way that I used to. He simply doesn�t want to hear it, and I guess I have to live with that. He doesn�t want to hear sappy stuff, he doesn�t want to hear my �dark worlds stuff. Basically mocked everything I do think about. It hurts to censor my brain and to censor my thoughts. I feel like I�ve just been shut up in every possible way. And it hurts.

      AndrewS235: and how trite this will sound, but it is true...sometimes things happen (relationships happen) that are not meant to be long term, they are meant to help us know ourselves and know who we want. you may look back in the future and wonder why you loved Jonny so much. Though today you think you know. And none of this is to say that it is over between you two. Its hard to say anything that makes sense now and I am all over the place with this...sorry.
      AndrewS235: yes you will. you're an amazing, amazing person. and you will find someone. i know you don't want to hear this because right now you think it is him. but he won't change. like i said before I'm not going to diss him...but he's not the best for you.

      "Anna Long". I don�t know where things went wrong with "Anna", we used to be best friends. I guess, like Jonny, she got sick of all my �dark worlds crap. She called Joe a child molester just because I hung out with him instead of her. It made him get fed up and say �AHHH! 16 year olds! BAH I hate being judged on my age. Jonny thinks Diana understands him more cuz she�s 18 and I�m just some stupid worthless 16 year old. I have been through more than anyone has ever had to go through. I have had friends die while I watched. I watched my father die. I died myself once already. They think I am nothing but someone who doesn�t know. But I know more now than they will ever know.

      Andrew�s friend was having an affair with a married woman. But Andrew�s friend is married too. But then the woman�s husband found out so Andrew�s friend is going to tell his wife tonight that he had an affair. Why can�t two people stay happy together?

      It�s upsetting how people can be so close as to getting engaged, and one of the people will be secretly cheating on the other. When you get engaged, that means.. you�re going to GET MARRIED and you should put everything aside. Not run around cheating. It�s revolting. I know Jonny will cheat on me. I don�t like thinking of him like this, but I can�t stop. I look at what kind of person he is and he�s so flirty and playful and always needs more. Always.

      And then he said �shit happens. #060;p>       I love Jonny SO much. Man. Let me tell you about our weird totally bipolar night (cuz it changed from one thing to the other so fast). First, I drove there, and then I sat on his bed and I was really sad. The things he said were so mean, it�s hard to sit there with him less than five feet away from me and not think about it. I didn�t know if he really meant those things and I didn�t know what to say to him. Things got so awkward and I don�t know what had happened. I went outside, crying. I sat in my car and cried and listened to music. And then I went outside and sat on the sidewalk and cried. Then his DAD came outside and talked to me. He told me to not come back! Eeek! Then I called Jonny and he hung up on me, and then his dad was like �I thought I told you to go home and not call here! (British accent included). Jonny called me back, though, surprisingly. It was sad though, because he never came after me. I asked if he would step outside of his house so we could talk. So he drove his car to the road and then he got in Spanky and he told me to drive him to the mall. I was pretty sure I was going to be meeting Diana there and then he would hold Diana�s hand and be like �Melissa, it�s over between us cuz my mind is cruel and twisted. The whole ride there, my hands were shaking and I was terrified. I never wanted to get there. Then we finally got there and we walked around the mall and I was still sad and upset. We went to Macy�s and just walked around and I found myself getting really pissed off and fed up with the way Jonny acted. I was being so mean, I said he looked like �trailer trash and I said some other mean things. =( The turnpoint of the evening came when we went to the beds section and he found this canopy bed and he laid me in it and tucked me in and I was still sad. And there we laid for some time tonight, talking and just talking and talking and talking. For me, it really made me feel happy when I found out that he had put the keychain I gave him on his corvette�s keys. He LOVES that car and I felt so special to have that keychain being the only keychain on his corvette keys. =) So then our conversation took an upturn. We started talking about cute things and I began to have those cute random thoughts flowing through my head again like I do when I am manic. That boy really knows how to make me feel better. However, he told me that he had done the bed thing before. With Diana. And although this bothered me, I didn�t mind because I was his girlfriend. And she was not. And if Jonny wanted to be with her instead of me, it would be that way. But it�s not. He picked me. MWAHAHA. I feel so weird. Crazy weird, not depressed crazy weird anymore. We drove around town and he let me sit on his lap and drive! That was so fun! And then we went to this little lake town place and we talked about the one policeman and the water dam. Then on the way home from I forgot where, I stuck my hand down his pants. And then I blew him. And it was so much fun, oh it was! =) Jonny is not like most guys. He doesn�t pressure me at all and he lets me do what I feel comfortable doing. He wasn�t like �blow me, bitch. Jonny is always such a total gentleman. Hehe, then I wanted to go to his house and plant kisses all over his body, but we were afraid that his dad was awake. He held me and it was so warm and nice just to be in his arms again. I don�t know why, it feels like such a long time since he held me like that. We talked some more, and I think Jonny feels a little bad about the things he said. He was so sweet tonight. When we talked while lying on his couch, he kept leaning over to plant kisses on my cheek every three minutes. It was soooo sweet! What really made me just fall in love with him all over again was when he said that he couldn�t wait to get his own place, and he would want me to live with him. This contradicted everything he said yesterday. He said that he wanted to take care of me all the time and that I wouldn�t get paranoid, and he is absolutely right. That is like the perfect solution. =) Tonight was kinda like a first date all over again. Jonny had to make me happy and make me like him again. I don�t like him again. I love him all over again. I don�t blame Jonny for blowing up. I was sort of expecting it from the beginning, but I guess I wasn�t prepared for that big of an explosion. When someone is sweet and perfect 24-7, they need a break. They need to vent. I am willing to trust Jonny and to be the perfect girlfriend for him. I want him to know that I am his �one because I really think that I could be it. I am willing to put all my trust in him and let him go hang out and be friends with whoever he wants, because I have confidence in him and his love for me. And if I was wrong, then like what Andrew said. Shit happens. I am willing to take that chance to be in a successful relationship with Jonny. I can�t blame myself for wanting to hog him. He is just too cute! I feel so lucky that he wants me to be his girlfriend and not anyone else. I kinda was a little bothered when he said that he was going out with me to beat Daniel�s record and how he said that every day that passes by is a new record. But it�s the same way with me. I�m his record too. It is only 12 more days until our five month anniversary. I love him sooooo much. We have come this far and had to overcome so many obstacles that got in our way. But Jonny was the strong one, he held us together with an iron fist. I know that I don�t have to go as far as completely changing myself to make this relationship work, but I know that I have to trust him. And that is exactly what I am going to do.

      Today I met Catie. During our break, Jonny called her and he said �I like this girl named Diana, but I also like you too. But Catie was cool and she said �no I don�t know what Diana�s problem is. It�s hard for me to let Jonny be friends with someone who doesn�t like me. Back when I had friends, all of them liked Jonny. If I could meet every single one of his friends, and know that they liked me, I would feel better. But Jonyn is so secretive and I don�t know what he has to side, but I know there�s something. This is why I�m never allowed to talk to any of his friends or see who he�s talking to. I hate Diana Jiminez just because she hates me and she makes my boyfriend think I am a bad person. I am not the one who kissed a taken guy. Stupid whore.

      Anyway, I just got back from McDonald�s with Jonny. I guess everything I thought was wrong and that I do have something to worry about. You know, this story is just gonna be like �I hate Jonny, I love Jonny, I hate Jonny again, I love Jonny again It�s kind of pointless even wondering where this is gonna go. I just wanted to make some sort of thing for me to remember when things are over [probably before my birthday cuz he won�t be able to give me the only present I want]. People like Diana make me sick. They think they can just take and take and take from whatever or whoever they want. They like challenges, so they aim for things that most people wouldn�t want. Like, for instance, taken men. It�s revolting. And then they strive to get what they want, never giving up until they get it. I know her whole plan, I know it all too well. And you know why? Because I used to be just like that. So I know. She�s going to play this whole �friends act, and make Jonny fall in love with her, but then she�s gonna be like �but we�re just friends and then make it seem like she doesn�t want to be with him. Then Jonny will want her more because he likes things he can�t have either. He�s bitching right now so I have to go. Bye bye Diary.

      I know now that I will never EVER be comfortable with Jonny being friends with Diana. Today I found out that he might be replacing me with her as his dumbass metro buddy. Well ya know what? I hope they have fun. =( How can I be comfortable letting my boyfriend be friends (or so they say) with the girl he cheated on me with? It�s just not right. It makes me feel so cold and like my heart has just been ripped out of me. He just drove away, just like that. Didn�t even try to make an effort. He said once that he would do anything to make me happy. ANYTHING. I thought he meant it, but I guess I was wrong. I�m wrong about everything that I wish I was right about. And then the things that I AM right about, I wish I was wrong about. It�s a little bit confusing, but you�ll get the hang of it someday.

      Last night I pleased Jonny with my mouth. I made him cum. Hehehe. Oh well. I miss Jonny. He doesn�t talk to me anymore online. He talks to Diana. Oh well. I know that if Jonny ever dated Diana, they wouldn�t get along because she is so full of herself and then Jonny is so full of himself and they�d spend the whole time arguing about who was hotter. She�d be like �I am hot shit and he�d be like �no, I�m hotter etc. I think that they should hang out more so that he will know she doesn�t have a �hot personality. She is just a big fat bitch.

      I don�t know what I�ll ever do with Jonny. I think he still likes Diana. =( I don�t think he�ll ever learn to be committed to me. =(

RussianCutie02: well I am just telling you so you'll be ready that Jon actually did tell me you were starting to get annoying or something and he was thinking of dumping you to date Diana but he doesn�t wanna hurt you because you love him so much, while you guys broke up for like a week or something, he told me he was seeing Diana and did stuff with her even close to doing sex, and I saw him at that time too, because what he did was sooo messed up lol
RussianCutie02: he wanted sex from me and I was like no, and then 2 days ago he's telling me he was seeing Diana and they were close but he didn�t wanna ruin the friendship and stuff so he said no when Diana wanted

      It�s so disturbing, you know? Just to look at all the facts Jonny�s middle name is NOT Weston. It�s Denial. I love him so much, but I don�t know if he loves me, or if he says it to get sex or if he just wants me as a trophy girlfriend.

      All my life, all I�ve ever been (except to Daniel and I thought Jonny, but I guess I was wrong) to any guy was a trophy girlfriend. I was the one guys would show off, and they�d be like �yah, I hit that and then they would have other girls on the side. And as a trophy girlfriend, I wasn�t supposed to care. Well, I do now. I�m sick of standing around and being part of someone else�s image. I�m sick of being shut up and never being allowed to say how I feel. Uggggh.

Auto response from Sexy301Guy: i don't like people that spend their whole day online, and don't do shit! im' out with someone who isn't like that.... leave a message and i'll see it in the morning when I get back

      Diana is at Jonny�s house right now. It makes me so upset. What right does she have to be there? In MY boyfriend�s house? In his room, for god�s sake. =( I can�t do this anymore. Jonny walks all over me because he knows he can. I�m sick of it. =( I don�t know how much longer I can do this. But I feel my heart breaking into smaller and smaller pieces and my head getting heavier and harder to keep together. One tear falls, and then the rest come pouring out in a salty waterfall. Why, Jonny? Why?

jarule907: IF YOU LIKE MELLY PRESS 911
MrGrundle22: haha arch
BluntzNRemy: 911
MercedesAMGLover: 911
eboyd00: 911
architerp: knock that motherfucka out
MrGrundle22: 911
      ...Yah, at least somebody likes me...

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Well, that was from the beginning of 2002. Things are a lot better now. It turned out Diana wasn't half as bad as I thought she was. Her and Jonny remained friends but then she kinda lost it when he kept hitting on her and putting his arm around her at the movies cuz she knew he was taken and it wasn't right for him to be acting like that. *ahem* So then he kinda got all uppity about it, and she got all uppity about it and they don't converse anymore. Sorry, this was not very interesting to read. For some of my real writing, check out Victim of Reality. =) *mwah*

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