So very tired. I�m not sure why, it�s not like I did any of the work on this last mission, just found the goddamn awful little bugger of a demon for Tsuzuki to flush out and obliterate. It tried to bite my ankle�stupid gob of gunk that it was�and now I needed new shoes, seeing as it had acidic blood. Stupid demon.
A yawn splits my head in two. It�s late, so why isn�t the baka going to bed? He�s tired too, and that�s all I can pick up from him right now, along with this little bit of contentment that�s been floating around him for the past five months, ever since the whole burning building incident where I made a complete ass of myself, screaming like that. It seems to have worked, though�he�s no longer as self depreciating, and his smiles are actually meant.
Which means that mine are too, when I can no longer keep them back. Like now. I�m too tired to refrain from expressing what I am feeling, so this kinda goofy grin breaks it�s way past my masks. So tired that I don�t care, I let it stay, but lower my head so he won�t see it, won�t see me staring at him. He hasn�t typed a word for the past three minutes, so I reach out to push at his walls a bit, to see if I can get a glimpse of what he�s thinking. He�s off guard, so I can break in a bit.
Contentment spills from him, tinged with the warm, gooey feeling that I�ve come to associate with what people call love, and hints of remorse. It makes me yawn again, and a flash of desire flickers across his aura, only to be replaced with another brief but intense flash of guilt, then back to the warm fuzzies again. It�s nice, I tend to find most of his emotions now are.
The next thing I know I�m bouncing lightly and air is passing underneath my back. I must have fallen asleep, and whoever�s carrying me doesn�t feel bad or scary at all, but I still tense. It�s instinctive, but it sure as hell did not keep me alive.
��Soka-kun?� The chest I�m curled against rumbles, and I crane my head to look up at Tsuzuki�s gorgeous face.
�Ngh. Put me down. I can walk.� It�s amazing how easily the harsh reply comes to my lips, and I feel a stab of rejection and hurt before the skin to skin contact is broken and I�m placed on the ground, no longer able to read him at all.
�You fell asleep at the desk. I was going to put you to bed.�
�I�m not a child.� No, not anymore. Perhaps I never was�but that�s the way I�ll always look, a kid partner for a full grown man, and if neither of us are destroyed or removed from duty, this will be between us for all eternity.
Strange, that the thought of eternity with Tsuzuki close by brings a lightening spark of what I�m beginning to identify as hope to my chest.
�No, no you�re not. But you are tired, and�I wanted to be nice.� Tsuzuki�s words give rise to conflicting emotions within me, seeing as I can�t read him at all. I feel anger, that he should be so self sacrificing towards others happiness when I know as a fact he�s just as tired as I am and should be in his own apartment sleeping instead of worrying about me, and a soft emotion I haven�t been able to classify yet, as he�s being kind to me, and all he gets are harsh words and angry glares in return. I don�t understand him at all.
�Shouldn�t you be going home now?� I wonder if he�s realised that behind the bitter words I care about him, worry that he�ll overdo something and get hurt. It�s part of that soft feeling that makes me happy and sad and angry and content all at once. Tsuzuki, what you do to me�
�I want to make sure you go to sleep.� He says, and I can�t find anything wrong with that, so nod once and turn to walk the rest of the way home.
Strange, that the first place I can actually call home is in the land of the dead.
He follows me to the door, then inside, uninvited, to plop down in the chair in my room as I pull out my futon and set it up neatly.
�Are you going now?� Those words, meant to be abrasive, came out far too meek and�wanting. I look directly at his marvellous violet eyes and try again.
�Well?� Shit, that was too breathy.
�I said I wanted to make sure you go to sleep, so I�m staying until you sleep.� He says, his violet eyes glinting in the faint light as he crosses his arms and settles to a more comfortable position in the chair. He�s adorable, beautiful, loveable. I�m nineteen now, technically. I guess this sort of thing is long over due, but I have a few really good excuses. I can picture him actually turning around three times and curling up like the puppy he sometimes reminds me of, and have to shake myself to get the thought from my head.
And he�s in front of me.
�GAH!� I screech, back peddling only to find that he�s undone my shirt and my belt�s on the floor. I instantly curl up to conceal my scars and�no one�s ever seen me undressed aside from a few doctors and even then�not even in the hot springs could I bring myself to�Muraki was� I�m scared of him suddenly, and don�t like the feeling at all.
��Soka?� He questions, stepping towards me. I think I whimper, as his eyes widen and he tenses in shock.
�I�m sorry�I forgot�sorry Hisoka�I�ll�leave now.� He says, and I whimper again as his back turns. He�s in so much pain that it�s hurting me.
�Don�t go�� His shields are completely down now, something that I�ve felt only once before and knocked me out in the process, but all I can feel alighting at my words are positive, overwhelming and delicious. Hope. Joy. Happiness. Love. I drink them in like a man in the desert�but for one difference.
A man dying of thirst in the desert knows what water is like. This is the first time I�ve felt anything even remotely resembling this. Friendship doesn�t come close� I�ve finally found what I�ve been searching for.
His arms around me go unnoticed as I attempt to process what I�m feeling, what he�s feeling. I know now why I�ve had such trouble reading him in the past�it�s because his feelings are my feelings, his emotions mine, his heart the same as mine. He is my extension, my heart, as I am his�
I need him. I reach for him but he�s already there, so I do the next best thing.
I kiss him, and the contact only cements the idea that his name suits him so very well.
A continuation of myself.
Tsuzuki.
