I sit there, gaping, for a good twenty minutes. My brain has officially shut down�not enough sleep and Bon�s insight�and Tsuzuki�s�erm�yes�brain not work. But I know that Hisoka�s right. I may not like it�no time like the present? Maybe I should shower first�or change�I�m not at my best. I can go and sleep and shower and tell him or ask him and I�m procrastinating and I know it but I don�t care.
I�m understandable scared shitless, but manage to make it to his office anyways and knock on his door. My hand is shaking so badly that I hide it behind my back and wait for a response.
�It�s unlocked.�
Something�s wrong. His voice�doesn�t have that stick up the ass force behind it that it usually does. I can�t help but hesitate. He�s always been so�retentive. What could make him lose that? They say curiosity killed the cat, but I�m human and already dead, so there�s nothing left to lose. I open the door.
He�s slouching. I�ve never seen him slouch before, even in the hot springs his back was relaxed but aligned properly. It�s like someone�s pulled out his spine.
�Did you need something, Watari-san?�
San?
�Tatsumi, are you feeling well?�
�Yes.� He�s lying. What do I do? He�s�important to me and he�s obviously lying. What would�ah ha!
�Good! Then we can go get some coffee since the stuff Tsuzuki brewed tastes like utter ass.� I grin, and grab his hand. He�s addicted to coffee. Not the caffeine in it, the coffee itself. I remember when I first met him, how he�d always have a cup nearby�and how that cup is still within reach whenever he�s in the office.
Must be the stress.
But it�s a sure way to get him to move. Before he can protest I yank him along with me to a quaint little coffee shop I know in the human world that�s run by the third nephew of the original owner and serves the best java on this side of the country.
�Watari!� He scolds my recklessness, and tries to pull his hand from mine. I�m not letting go. You can�t escape me now, Tatsumi. You�re mine.
Did I just think that?
Gods�
�Waiter!� I need to distract myself, and the guy on tables knows me and hurries over. I spend enough here he doesn�t want to lose his tips.
�What do you want to have, Tatsumi?� I specifically emphasis the lack of any honorific with his name, if only to get him to look me in the eyes.
�Whatever.�
Indecision. Indecision and slang. Something is definitely wrong�but what?
�I�ll have an thick Irish Cream, heavy sugar, and my friend will have a medium French Vanilla, half a sugar and one milk, 2% if possible.�
�Anything to eat?�
�Not today Rick.�
�Very well. It will be only a moment.� He nods and heads to the back to prepare our orders�they brew by the cup here, which is one of the reasons it�s so nice. Perfect coffee, every time. I wonder if Tatsumi�s expression is because I know what he likes to drink.
�So.� I say, resting my chin on my hands.
�So.� He replies, still not sitting straight. He�s supposed to say something that will give me a hint of how to deal with whatever it is that�s bugging him, some body language even�no such luck.
�Why do you want to be a woman?� He asks.
What the hell?!
��huh?� I blink at him. Maybe if I�m quiet long enough he�ll leave that one alone.
�Why are you constantly trying to find a formula to change a man to a woman, or vice versa?� His honey-brown eyes bore into my own�fessing time.
��so I could be loved.� I admit.
�So you could be loved?� How does he manage to make it seem like I�m a complete idiot?
�Yes. No one�seems to like me as a man. I figure that if I could find someway to become a woman�then I could find someone who could love me. Even when I was alive�my long hair, my mannerisms�I would make a better woman, Tatsumi. Even you can�t deny that. That, and the person I love would like me better�maybe. I hope.�
�Hisoka�s taken, Watari, and he already likes you.�
�It�s not Hisoka, Tatsumi. I lust after Hisoka. The one I love is far out of my reach.� He�s right across the table�and a thousand miles away. Our jobs, mindsets�I know that Tatsumi really doesn�t feel as much for me as I do for him. He loves Tsuzuki, with all his being. There�s no room for me.
�Your coffees, sirs.� The cups are placed on the table, but neither of us reaches for them.
�I need you, Hisoka?� He raises an eyebrow, and I stare at him�then the conversation I had with Bon earlier, and curse. It seems as though Tatsumi heard only the most incriminating part of our speech.
�I did need him�to help me with something.� I have to stop talking�cold lumps of fear forming in your gut will do that. Even if I can�t�even if he doesn�t want�I want. I want Tatsumi to be a friend to me at the very least for the rest of our undead lives, which could very well be eternity. If I�if he found out how I feel about him, that could be destroyed.
�What, pray tell, could Hisoka do that you can�t? Some experimental subject perhaps?� His back�s returning to normal. Good. Good, that means he�s becoming Tatsumi again, and not that crushed human being I saw earlier.
�That�s the thing about JuOhChou, Tatsumi�Hisoka can feel other people, know how they feel, if they feel at all even, without having to ask. I can�t. I can�t tell if anyone feels anything at all. I have to guess, or ask, and usually I�m not that brave. When it comes to things I really want�I�m more of a chicken than the Gushoshin. It took Tsuzuki nearly three years to get me to put in an application for a lab when I first arrived�and this is scarier than a panel of cost efficient executives. I want to be loved�and I want to know it before I�.if it�s even possible for someone like me to be loved.�
�You are loved, Watari. By more people than you know.� I know he didn�t mean it like I want him to mean it. I won�t be the king of conclusion jumpers any more.
��I want more than friends, Tatsumi.� I tell him. He reaches for his cup and sips. Then again.
�I want��
He sips.
�I want��
The cup clicks on the saucer.
�I want what Bon and Tsuzuki have.� I say. The saucer clinks on the table top.
�Drink your coffee, Watari, before it gets cold.� Tatsumi says. I obey�enough talking for one day.
The coffee�s as good as it always is, though this silence makes me uncomfortable. I focus on the flavours in my mouth and try not to think of what I�ve just done. I�m supposed to be happy-go-lucky, smiling, joking, sociable�not lonely. Not desperate. Not�this. Tatsumi takes a breath as I take another sip.
�It�s a valid fear, but not validated. To be able to admit your honest feelings is a strength few have at the best of times, Watari. I�ve never been very good at it, and all that it�s taught me is that, if you don�t tell other people, the ones you love will wind up with someone who can not only return what they feel, but say what they feel, and mean it. What Tsuzuki and Hisoka have is unique, partially because they both know, with an unfaltering certainty, exactly what the other feels, especially now that they�ve bonded. They are emotionally one�and all that�s there is trust and love. There�s no doubt, no fear, no hesitation, because they already know. The rest of us aren�t so lucky. We need words to express ourselves, and words are often far too inadequate. Words can be lies, words can manipulate, they can hurt. To know which words to use, to know what you feel and be able to express it verbally is a gift. It�s one of the things I love about you.� My coffee decides that it wants to come out of my nose�I don�t want it to, so I plug it.
Bad idea. Bad, bad, baaaaaaaaad idea. Did you know, that when you do that, the coffee comes out the next best place? Did you also know that crying coffee hurts like a bitch? I�ll have to remind myself never to do that again.
�Watari?� Tatsumi asks. I wipe my face. Crying coffee. Yuck. God that hurt. I thought Tatsumi just said he loved me�my mind must be failing. It�s about time, since personally, I think I jump to far too many conclusions. A figure of speech Watari�stop getting your hopes up. Must squash hope before it gets too big. Squash, squash, squash. What a funny word. Like quark or rutabaga or Uranus. Hehe. Uranus.
I have to admit though, that this is the most I�ve heard Tatsumi speak outside of a meeting or a pre-formulated speech. If this is what his thoughts are like, I thank the gods I�m not a telepath. I would have gone insane long ago. It�s odd though�he hasn�t complained about missing work at all.
Maybe I�m still asleep at my desk. If so, I�m going to have one hell of a sore back when I wake up.
�You missed some.� My head is tilted up and his napkin darts forward to wipe more of the brown tears from my face. I freeze.
�Words don�t work, they�re inadequate and not worth the effort.� He tells me, serious as ever.
�Ta�Tatsumi?�
�Words don�t work.� He says again, and leans forward to kiss my forehead.
�Tatsumi, what��
�Words are inadequate.� He whispers, and kisses my cheek.
�Tatsumi�� I sigh. His touch�
�Words, cannot possibly describe how I feel for you.� His kisses my lips then, something else we�ve never done, and I close my already burning eyes. When I manage to open them again, he�s still there, but he�s moved us to his office. One of the tricks he can do that I can�t. Not yet. He�s standing with my legs at his sides, me perched on his desk.
�Tatsumi, what�?�
�Shh. Don�t talk. Words can lie Watari, you can�t trust them. I want you to know.� His lips follow my throat as his hands brush my lab-coat from my shoulders making me wish for the third time today that I had taken the time to shower. Oh well.
Tatsumi then tells me without words exactly what he means, and that he means it forever.
--
He has to know now. I did it. What I couldn�t do with Tsuzuki�because that was puppy love, in more ways than one. I love Watari, truly. His golden eyes that seem to sparkling like the stars, his hair, soft and silky and scented as no other, and his smile. Not the one that everyone sees, but the gentle one, content, happy. Mine.
Suddenly, the scent of sakura seems pleasant once more.
--
It�s a beautiful day, even though I�m waking up for the second time in one day in the office completely uncomfortable and in need of a shower.
Desperate need.
But first, I need to stop in to my office and throw out my formulas. All the ones that don�t work of course, I�m keeping the aphrodisiacs. I won�t need them anymore. I don�t need to be a woman, when I�ve got everything I could possibly want just a hallway away at most.
�It went well?� Bon asks as I walk through the break room where Tsuzuki is gobbling donuts. I smile and nod, and he nods back, then wrinkles his nose.
�You stink.� He says. I nod again, and laugh as I walk out. Tatsumi was right. Tsuzuki and Bon are special, and they do love me. I was blind not to see it�though I was searching so desperately for one type that I was blinded to all others. My door is unlocked, as usual, and the disarray seems worse than ever after messing up Tatsumi�s office.
Hehe.
Oh. Oh my. It seems as though 003 has beaten me to the punch in destroying my notes�I knew she was gaining weight.
They�re absolutely adorable, and mommy seems quite proud. I know I shouldn�t touch them so soon after hatching, so I don�t. 003 coos, and fluffs her chest in pride.
�You go girl.� I tell her, she chirps, and picks one last bit of shell off of the third one.
�What should we name them?� Her head turns to the side.
�Well, what do you think of giving one to Tatsumi, one to Bon, and one to Tsuzuki when they�re old enough?� She hoots, and chirps, then nods.
�Something appropriate then. Tatsumi should have Eros, Bon gets Philia, and Tsuzuki can have Agape, ne?�
Hoot, chirp, nod.
I couldn�t agree more.