Justin: Uh-oh, looks like trouble.

Miami: Oh, come ooooon. Give me a break! Cops are so STUPID.

Justin: Oh, yeah.

Miami: Yeah.

Justin: Oh, hundred percent.

Miami: Hey, hang on, hang on. ((Approaches Cop.))

Justin: Phil'll handle it, Phil's a talker.

Miami: Hey, hey, officer, what's goin on here, what's goin on? Come on, look, look, you don't want to ticket me. I'm a cop.

Cop: Really?

Miami: Yeah, yeah, it's okay to ticket me, but off the car.

Cop: Yeah?

Miami: Yeah.

Cop: Gonna have to see some ID first, officer.

Miami: ID?

Cop: ID.

Miami: Okay, sure, I understand, I understand, you know why I understand? Cuz I'm a superior officer. That's right, yeah, I'm, uh, I'm, uh, Captain Allen, ((Flashes ID real fast.)) from the, uh, precinct up near my house. So, uh, quiet tonight? It's uh, usually a quiet beat, I remember I used to walk this beat, I'm not sure.

Cop: I'd like to see the ID again, please.

Miami: Yeah, you know, sure, no problem, ((flashes ID again.)) I'm, uh, Captain Allen from the precinct near my uh, where I live. God, I had this bust the other night, I was gonna tell you. I had this bust, yeah, um, it was these crack heads, you know, these crack heads, and you know how they run, so I was runnin after them and they were-

Cop: All right, give me the handshake.

Miami: What?

Cop: The secret policeman's handshake. Give it to me. ((He holds out his hand.))

Miami: God, I've been a cop for so long, I don't know if I- if I remember this. Um, what the hell.

((Holds out hand. Cop turns his hand sideways. Miami does the same. Cop turns back the way it was, Miami slowly does the same. Cop slips his fingers, Miami does the same. Cop makes his split fingers cut like scissors, Miami does the same. Cop twirls his thumb around in a circle, Miami does the same. Cop makes his fingers walk, Miami does the same. Cop makes his index and middle finger point out, Miami does the same. Cop lifts his up, Miami does the same, then down,Miami does the same. Cop grabs his hand. They shake. Miami sighs.))

Miami: Okay, well, you have yourself a good night and my best to the guys up at the station. I- I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name?

((Cop just grins and starts to back up, still holding his hand.))

Miami: Okay, wait a minute, where are we going?

((Cop takes him over to the car.))

Miami: Okay, look- ((Cop puts him in the back seat, Miami pokes his head back out.)) You are ruining a very expensive, important operation.

((Cop pushes him back in.))

Justin: Oh, backseat of the car thing, sure, this isn't tragic.

((They drive away up the street, with the siren on.))

Miami: Alright, I'm not a cop, I'm not a cop, I confess, I'm not a cop, look, I want you to turn around, officer, because you see my friend back there, there's my friend, he's Roman Polanski's cousin. The guy in the striped shirt. And those two girls he's with, they're fifteen years old, man, fifteen years old, man.

((He keeps talking as the car goes around the corner. The Shot then cuts to a courtroom scene , we see Justin in a suit, obviously Miami's attorney . Justin is briefing Miami. ))

Judge: ((pounding gavel)) Okay okay let's get this one going. ((Justin talking to Miami at desk.))

Justin: Now remember when I put you on that stand, look in my eyes, always look in my--

Miami: --The jury.

Justin: The jury? What's wrong?

Miami: It's made up entirely of my ex-girlfriends.

Justin: Uh oh!

Miami: W-when they were selected, didn't you think to ask, "Were you ever f-cked over by the accused?"

Justin: No...I never thought...how could I know?

Miami: Well, you should have.

Judge: ((pounding gavel)) Okay, enough chattering. Let's go. The plaintiff, ((close up on a woman smoking)) Miss Leslie Peters, accuses the defendant, Mr. Bruce McCulloch, of being an asshole--on more than one occasion. How do you plead?

Justin: Guilty, your honor.

Miami: --but with various good excuses.

(("Ooh!"s from the jury.))

Miami: ((walks over to them to explain himself)) No, it's true, honestly!!!

Judge: I sentence you to a day in prison and thirty hours community service !!!!!!

Miami: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT COMMUNITY SERVICE!!!

((We cut to a scene with a prison backdrop, Miami is there in a orange jumpsuit looking slightly pissed off.))

Miami: Man, Calitre I'm pissed, you see to the world I am Miami Missile, the man, the myth, the legend. However in here I am simply known as K-Y-J-E-I-I-Y-9-0-2-1-0 to the power of 3! Now Calitre, you think that people will actually listen to your overexentuated , overblown pile of crap? You see there are two types of people in the 2XWF , those who like Barbara Streisand and those who don't , and judging by your monotonous nonsense I am guessing you like her! Now I'll resume this promo in a second when I get out of jail. I gotta meet Jodie for a date, she said we need to talk! I think shes finally gonna put out!

((We see an open air cafe, Miami is with a girl with blonde hair in a pony tail , obviously Jodie. ))

Miami: ((eating)) Yeah, this is great!

Jodie: Miami, I think we should break up.

Miami: Well, you've ruined my meal.

Jodie: Well, we've grown apart. It's like we've taken separate paths. And recently on my path I've had a couple of lovers.

Miami: You have lovers on your path? On my path I have TV dinners and watch Full House.

Jodie: I'm sorry, but it is over between us.

Miami: Well then, down to business.

Jodie: What?

Miami: I will save my sadness and anger for another day, for today, I must be practical. ((calling to next table)) It's happened!

Representative: I see. ((approaches and sits)) Ma'am, at the request of Mr. Bar-har, Barharglefarg...

Miami: It's Blake, how can you mispronounce Blake?

Representative: ((taking papers from briefcase)) At his request, we are proposing that we set you up in a new town, with a new identity, in a new job, and if you wish, a new face.

Jodie: Miami, what's going on?

Miami: Oh, he's from the Ex-Girlfriends Relocation Organization.

Jodie: The what?

Representative: It's very complicated, ma'am. Allow me to explain. The Ex-Girlfriends Relocation Organization is an organization that relocates ex-girlfriends. ((to Miami)) Gee, it's not really that complicated after all.

Miami: No, it really isn't.

Jodie: ((to Miami)) You want me to change my face, change my identity and leave town?

Miami: Is that so much to ask?

Jodie: Miami, you're just having problems dealing with the fact that you've had a relationship that ended badly.

Miami: Yes, nail on the head. You see, I'm not a man who's good at dealing with failure. Fortunately, I am a man who's independently wealthy. Right now I have an ex-girlfriend who's a preacher in Texas, and another who's midget twins in the circus. She travels, she's happy.

Representative: You see, ma'am, Mr. Blachla-Blavhla-Blesson...

Miami: Blake! It's such an easy name!

Representative: Jaaaahcksun... just could not handle running into you with a new, better-looking boyfriend.

Jodie: Miami, this is ridiculous. I mean, I know what you're trying to do, but you're not going about it in a very healthy manner. I think what we ought to do is try and work this out and stay friends, okay?

Miami: Sure, let's work on it. That's a good idea.

Jodie: Yes.

Miami: Come back to me honey! I can't live without you!

Jodie: Miami!

Miami: I'm half a man without you! I'm a whiner without dignity; I'll make your life hell!

Jodie: ((to Representative)) Will I ever see my parents again?

Representative: No.

Jodie: Good, I'll do it. ((picks up paper and signs))

Representative: Ma'am, once you're located there's something you should know. If you should ever hear the word gazelle, be it on the telephone, over the loudspeaker in a supermarket, or printed in a telegram, leave town and call this number in 3 hours. Unless of course you hear the word gazelle in a nature documentary, in which case just keep watching and enjoy. I'll leave you two now to finish your meals, and take down the names of these witnesses for future elimination.

((The Representative leaves))

Jodie: What?

Miami: Of course, you know, none of this is really necessary. We could work on this.

Jodie: Kirk, I can't...

Miami: Come back to me, baby! I can't live without you!

((Jodie has already walked off..))

Miami: ((To Camera)) Hey there! I didn't see you guys! Now back to Calitre...as you can see I am now p-ssed off! I have got nothing good going for me right now bar the prospect of kicking your sorry , Italian, ass across the ring and making sure that your little Sicillian Uppercut gets less exposure than a fat person's bikin line! I am going to murder you in a way that is worse than death...

Guy on next table: You b-stard! You're gonna make him listen to all of Chris Cairns' promos!

Miami: No, I am not that cruel! I am going to reveal what I will do to you Calitre I am going to...

((Beeper goes off.))

Miami:CHRIST!!! Head to Miami towers, corporate meeting! Can we resume this later?

((Nice office. Miami is standing in front of his balcony door. Justin comes in. Miami points at a nice chair without turning.))

Miami: Have a seat in the $2400 leather chair nearest the priceless vase, whatever.

((Miami turns. Justin sits. Miami has a remote, he strikes a pose, and presses a button. Conga music comes on. Miami starts dancing behind Justin.))

Miami: Were you aware that the Missile Enterprises makes enough money one year to buy the entire country of...whatever?

((He presses another button. The music stops. Miami walks back to his desk.))

Justin: Well, Miami, I'd like to help you make even more money.

Miami: Of course you would, of course you would.

((Miami sits.))

Miami: So shoot. Actually, could you hold on just one second, I find it so hard to get comfortable-

((Miami is fidgeting, pulls stuffed wallet out of pocket, sets on desk.))

Miami: With this big fat wallet so full of money and credit cards, whatever.

((Intercom buzzes. Miami presses button.))

Secretary on intercom: Excuse me, sir, your beautiful and intelligent girlfriend is on the phone.

Miami: Oh. ((Picks up phone.)) Hello. Uh- huh. Well why don't you take the blue Porsche, well then take the red Porsche. Well what are you wearing? Well then I suggest you take the BMW. ((Starts to put phone down as he's still talking to her.)) Do you love me, uh-huh, whatever. (( Hangs up.)) So go on, you had- a thought?

Justin: Here's my idea, it's a teleport transportation device-

((Miami turns in chair and opens cabinet to reveal shelves of trophies.))

Miami: Can I draw your attention to these sporting trophies. Most valuable player in football, basketball, hockey, whatever. ((Turns back to Justin.)) Go on.

Justin: We have developed a totally organic and eventually recyclable device to transport matter just like in Star Trek up to 110 miles-

((Miami gets up, walks to mirror.))

Justin: -it'd be great we could market it for billions and end global warming too, it'd sell by the bucket..sorry Rachel Cain load

Miami: Great, tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna take your lousy idea, make it better, make you look better, make this company a whole lot more money than it ever thought was possible, whatever. So is that everything?

((Miami has walked around, touching Justin's shoulder and has gone back to desk to sit down.))

Justin: Yes, sir, I suppose-

Miami: Good, well now that I have an idea to make the company money where the hell is Mikey?

((Scene takes place in Mikey's kitchen. He's sitting down at a table, doing a puzzle and drinking from a cup. A maniac knocks at his door seven times.))

Mikey: Just a second. ((goes to open door))

Axe-Murderer: ((in Mikey's doorway wearing a suit with several bloodstains on it))

Mikey: Yes of course, of course. Come in.

Axe-Murderer: ((as he enters and goes over to phone)) Mikey: Is everything all right?

Axe-Murderer: Oh yes. ((picks up phone and starts dialing)) ((stops dialing and hangs up phone))--

Mikey: Is something wrong?

Axe-Murderer: Well yeah actually I... feel a little bit guilty. I'm, I'm afraid I got you to let me in here under sort of false pretences.

Mikey: Oh?

Axe-Murderer: Yeah. You see I *am* an axe murderer. And I, I, I have a favour to ask of you.

Mikey: Yes?

Axe-Murderer: Well you see I wa-, I was next door uh chopping up your neighbours, the um, the uh, the uh--

Mikey: The Dumonds.

Axe-Murderer: The Dumonds yes. Thank you. And well I guess I was chopping them up and I guess I, I've, I've pulled back too quickly and the head flew off my axe and it smashed through the window and I, I yeah-- I don't know why I'm telling you all this. It's really kind of embarrassing but uh, anyway I went out and it was so dark I couldn't see my hand in front of my face and I saw that your lights were on and I thought, "Hey, why don't I go over there and borrow uh *your* axe?" So uh, so could I, could I borrow uh your axe please?

Mikey: I'm sorry. I, I don't own an axe.

Axe-Murderer: Really?! You, you don't, you don't have an axe?

Mikey: No I'm sorry.

Axe-Murderer: Hooh.

Mikey: Oh, oh wait a second. ((goes over to counter and opens the door of a cabinet below it)) Hold on. ((from cabinet he takes out a little axe with a rubber head which he brings back and shows to Axe-Murderer)) It's a souvenir from a trip to Arizona.

Axe-Murderer: Oh. ((takes axe from Mikey's hands)) Well it's, it's very nice. But um it's rubber ((squeezes together the front and back of the head of the axe with his hand)) you see.

Mikey: I've never used it. Oh!

Axe-Murderer: Well...

Mikey: Oh, I have a hacksaw.

Axe-Murderer: Oooh. I'm an axe murderer. ((puts rubber axe on table))

Mikey: ((goes to sink)) I have a hatchet under the sink. ((opens door to cabinet below sink))

Axe-Murderer: Oh okay.

Mikey: Oh yes. ((takes out hatchet)) Ooh. ((shows hatchet to Axe-Murderer)) Is this any good?

Axe-Murderer: Hmmm... ((takes hatchet from Mikey)) You're sure you don't have a, a, have a, have a big, a big dangerous axe at all?

Mikey: Positive.

Axe-Murderer: No? Well you know this will uh, this will take a little longer but beggars can't be choosers huh?

Mikey: Yes it's true.

Axe-Murderer: Okay. ((walking towards door followed by Mikey)) Well thank you very much. Thank you and again I, I, I really do ((both are at door)) apologize for disturbing you so late at night and uh, oh oh, and uh please don't call the police or uh ((swaying the axe)) chop, chop! ((Mikey takes a step back startled. The maniac is laughing)) It's okay, I'm sorry, it's okay. ((opens door)) Thanks. ((leaving)) Bye-bye!

Mikey: Bye. ((Closes and locks door and goes over to a cabinet, opens its door and takes out a rifle which he takes with him back to the table where he was previously doing his puzzle. He sighs and sits down.))

((Cut back to the offices, Miami and Justin just burst out laughing.))

Miami: Stupid norom! Probably at home playing solitaire!

Justin:Anyway, in a few hours you have to fight Calitre and co. how you going to cope with no-one else cutting promos?

Miami: Calitre knows what I can do and knows he can't match it, thats why I keep a wide berth from him. He knows that he will be shown up by my sublime wrestling skills and stays away from me to keep face. He was all-Mr Macho when he first got shot but now he can barely utter two sentences about me without having to stop, just see his little promo earlier! Calitre the name of the game is pain and the loser will be you! I will have you contorted like a pretzel and in as much pain as someone having to watch an entire series of 'All My Children'! I will be in that ring and hitting the Missile Launch on you so hard it'll feel as if the Kidney and liver pie you ate earlier is your own! I wil make you regret vowing vengence on me, mark my words!

((The camera cuts out as we go to a commercial for hair produce.))