PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.): Oooh, yeah. Oh, baby, you're so good.

Bailey: (O.S.): Yeah, I'm the best, baby.

((Now we see a TV...but the picture isn't clear. Or, more appropriately, the picture is scrambled -- it phases in and out. Bars scroll across it. And we get occasional glimpses of what looks like --))

Bailey (O.S.)(CONT'D): ...oh -- that was a tit, tits...

((As most guys know (but few will admit), it is possible to watch the pay channels while they're scrambled. You just need a decent imagination to fill in the rest of the picture. We PULL BACK to see Bailey.))

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.): Give it to me! Yes!

Bailey Oh yeah, baby, I'll give it to you.

((Bailey is, uh, physically involved with the scrambled babe. We TILT DOWN to see a small multimedia presentation next to Bailey on his bed. "Cosmopolitan" is open to a sexy model...a yearbook is open to the "girl's swim team" section...and a dictionary next to Bailey, open to the "Vagina" listing, accompanied by a big vagina diagram. Next to it is a book on Dungeons and Dragons))

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.): Don't you love my sexy body?!

Bailey: I do, baby, I do.

((He frantically looks around...and grabs a tube sock off the floor.))

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.): You're so big!

Bailey: Yeah, that's right.

PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.): (deep macho voice) Ohhh, tell me you're a nasty girl!

((Bailey is thrown off))

PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)(CONT'D): Yeahhh, you been bad, real bad!

Bailey: Man, shut up!

((Suddenly there's a KNOCK at the door, immediately after which Miami enters. Bailey scrambles and quickly covers himself and the dictionary with a pillow. He's oblivious to his doings.))

Miami: Hey, Bailey. I just wanted to ask when you were going to that promo on Dragon? You got ten minutes later?

Bailey: Yep, okay Miami, later.

Miami: Laters.

((Miami turns to leave and notices the television))

Miami (CONT'D): Yo dude you f-ck with your television or something?

Bailey: Nah. Damn cable. There's this nature show that I'm trying to watch.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.): Fuck me! Yes!

Bailey: Uh...

((Bailey hurriedly tries to change the channel with the REMOTE, but instead the VOLUME GOES UP.))

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.): BLOW YOUR WAD ON MY TITS!!

Bailey: (choking) Must...be...broken...

((DJ enters.))

DJ: What the heck is this?

Bailey: Nothing!

Miami: I think he's trying to watch one of the illegal channels

((Miami has a smile on his face at his handler's 'hobby'))

Bailey: Jesus, Miami! They're not illegal! They're pay channels. How could a television channel be illegal?! God, get a clue! .

PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.): Play with my hairy balls!

DJ: Turn that garbage off! We probably have it somewhere in the house without it bein encrypted!

((DJ grabs for the remote, which is sitting on the pillow that's been covering Bailey. The pillow gets brushed aside -- revealing the Big Vagina Diagram and the Pok�mon manual.))

DJ: Oh my God!

Miami: DJ, why don't you let me handle this one.

((Miami ushers DJ out. Miami is stuck there with his emabarassed handler. Horrible, awful embarrassment. A long, strained beat.))

Miami(CONT'D): Jesus Christ. Pok�mon?!? No wonder I have been on a losing streak!!!!

((Miami exits, shaking his head. Bailey sits agape, humiliated.))

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.): Oooh, spank me, daddy, spank me!

** 20 minutes later! **

((We cut to a room where DJ and Miami are playing cards whilst smoking what appears to be either Moroccan specials or very good value cigarettes. Bailey walks down the stairs. He then sits down in the spot between DJ and Miami round the table and gets annnoyed when he sees what they are doing.))

Bailey: Miami what the hell is that you're smoking? Is that pot?

Miami: Nope! Its and 'extreme' cigarette!!!

((Miami does bunny ears on the word extreme))

Bailey: Good I didn't want you doing Wesley Pipes without me... Hang on, you're a figment of my imagination right?

Miami: Yeah.

Bailey:So why were you chastising me earlier ?

Miami: Probably because of that teacher you had in seventh grade, Ms Tucker? The one who was a bombshell but used to threaten to cane you!

Bailey: Right...so anyway what we gonna do bout Sarah?

Miami: She's at a secret location right now, but between me and you I'm thinking of making a film round her...

DJ: What's it gonna be called?

Miami: Well if its a monster movie then Babezilla!

Bailey : That was weak man, at this rate you'll be jobbing to Talon!

Miami : I'm just getting started!!!

Bailey: Ok!

DJ: I say we do what I have said all along and that is to just slap her around a bit so that her sight and mind are f-ck-d up and so she may even go out with an ugly b-st-rd like Miami!!!

((Miami lunges across the table, the cards go sprawling , Miami still has his 'extreme' cigarette in his mouth which falls onto the table.))

Miami: Aww Man!!!!

((DJ pulls out a tobacco tin and throws it to Miami who catches it and places it next to the rizla papers that instantly were whipped out when the spliff dropped. Miami starts to roll up .))

DJ: Anyway Bailey when the hell is Miami gonna have a place to roleplay cos at this rate he'll be a red-eyed monkey as soon as we bring Billy Bong Thornton out!

Bailey: Right you need a location...Eureka!!

((The terrible triad are transported to outside a house. The house has a security gate and a large drive leading to what appears to be a pool with scantily clad women there. Miami's spliff is relaced by a piece of paper, Miami reads .))

Miami: Hugh's Happening Happening...Hugh Hefner invites the 2XWF's finest to a party of the highest depravation...key in 6969 to get into the house. Cool man, I knew my wit was located somewhere near your imagination.

((DJ is keying in the numbers as the gate swings open.))

Bailey: Hey I figure it'd get Miami off Sarah!

Miami: I'm not on her..unfortunately!

Bailey: Hey DJ wanna go check out the sites whilst the testosterone turd rambles about his love for Sarah?

DJ: Sure!!

((Bailey and DJ go off in search of skirts (or lack of). Miami starts to look at the camera and starts to walk.))

Miami: Yo Dragon, ya little limey. Listen up. With around 24 hours to go until I kick your ass...again, it seems as if congratulations are in order...congratulations for gracefully accepting the loss of your sister. You will never see her again! Don't fret though cos I am sure I cud pass on a kiss goodbye for you! In under 24 hours I will be conducting my own form of therapy to help you get over the loss of Sarah. The first step in this three-step program (beat that AA!) is by beating you with heavy rights and lefts! The second step is to soften you up with my patented Liger bomb and Acid Drop DDT. The third and final step is to step right into The Missile Launch! It's as easy as 1,2,3. Which incidentally when you hear those words whilst your shoulders touch the mat is confirmation that your therapy is over!

You can spout your rhetoric and your endless hyperbole that you will win and save Sarah but this isn't a cartoon, this is the 2XWF, nice guys finish last! So remember that next time you step into the ring and remember that you were once part of a tag team with me.

Unfortunately you won't be alone in your little crusade , you're joined by the definitely not a cunning stunt, Chris Cairns! Here is a guy who doesn't get wood around Sarah Summers , no he gets steel! Steel chairs to be precise and let's face it, he has never truly beat me, he has had to rely on his trusty chair and then stresses this is a wrestling federation. I suppose my father forgot to train me in things such as alternative uses for arena equipment, what next? How to stop famine with the dome from an indoor football stadium and the world's biggest lighter , wait that'd make sense and then you wouldn't be able to make head nor tail of it after I had stomped your head into oblivion because that is what you will be staring in the face...endless, unstoppable , obliteration from me and DJ!

((Miami is now on the side of the pool and there are a bevy of beauties round the area. Miami strangely ignores them, in the background we see DJ with two blondes either side of him and Bailey is doing shots at the bar.))

Miami: Lastly is your little crusade to ruin is Figure....who is Figure? Does it matter who Figure is? Does it matter what his threats are if all I have to worry about from him is how to isolate him so I can rip off that godforsaken mask and kick in his exposed face! What is the matter with you? Why the secrecy? You aren't Corey Taylor and you sure as hell aren't Mexican because they have talent! Tonight I will kick your -ss with such ferocity that you will be unidentifiable from dental records. I am going to turn tonight into an intense beating on you Figure. You are new blood, resh meat if you will and it is going to be thrown to me and DJ who will be hungry for victory like wild Hyenas would be for your rotting carcass!

Tonight will be a night of many actions, some regrettable and unforgettable ones for you and some great and ruthless ones from me and DJ!!

((Bailey approaches Miami..))

Bailey : Yo dude!!

((Miami is the only thing keeping Bailey from falling face first as Bailey leans on Miami.))

Miami:Dude?

Bailey:Dude.

Miami: Dude?

Bailey:Dude.

Miami:DUDE!!!

((Bailey looks shocked and hurt at this sign of anger.))

Miami: ((quietly)) Dude.

Bailey: Well I suppose you have a point there....

Miami: ((to DJ )) Yo chica! We're outta here Bailey is three sheets to the wind.

DJ:((Out-of-shot)) Eh?

Miami: F-ck. Why do I have a lame-ass limey as a damn handler? Bailey is absolutely drunk off his face!!

DJ: ((Out-of-shot)) Awww man! I have like two of the best looking women I have ever seen in my life, these are 2nd and 3rd in the 'Top 3 most beautiful women i have seen in my life list!

Bailey: Who's number 1??

DJ: ((Out-of-shot)) Ya mum ,man she is a MILF, I worry bout my hair everytime I am round ya house man in case ya mum thinks ill-ly of me, I mean she was what, 16 when she had you which makes her pre-PMT ?

((Bailey lunges off-camera and we start to hear screaming, and THEN the girls laughing at Bailey's high voice. Miami is embarassed.))

Miami: Rest assured, Dragon, Cairnsy and Figure, I will turn the ring into a dead zone!

((Miami smashes the camera lens with his fist as the screen turns snowy.))