 Feeling: crestfallen
Listening To: that dog.
Reading: n/a
Eating: n/a Randumb Excess: I don't make these columns very interesting anymore... Quote of the Day: n/a |
June 14, 2k1...
I found this. I wrote it sometime last summer. I can't believe I let someone do this to me. Granted, they never even knew and things come out a tinge more harsh in writing sometimes. I loved him deeply, I did. I was so upset when I wrote this I had to go through and fix all the typos to post it here. I'm sharing this with you so that maybe someone out there will relate and address the problem immediatley. Unfortunatley I didn't see it until now.
It used to feel SOO good. I felt like a good person, I felt intrigued, those butterflies...
Now those butterflies feel like they�ve turned into monsters clawing at my insides. Why did this happen? Why is he doing this? I just feel like I�m gonna freak out. Is this really the end? He�s not sharing, he makes me feel terrible about myself. I feel like I�m back at square one. With little or no progress and a big waste of time.
He isn�t listening to me anymore. It�s all his choices and his way to go and mememememe. Is it really worth it? I am a major stress case, I�m getting depressed. �I�m 21 and I�m not married�. Well you know what then? Fuck you, you don�t have to treat me like your wife. Wouldn�t it be nice though, for you to give me some type of commitment, for you to make me feel secure for once in this relationship? How does it feel to always have someone at your beck and call � someone you can kick when you�re feeling sad and someone you can ignore and focus on yourself when you�re happy? No matter what, they�ll always love you. It doesn�t feel good to have every cliche� from the book thrown at you. I�m not even excited to see you anymore. I�m bored of you and how you treat me. All you talk about is yourself, your music your life and then... you don�t share w/me any details. You don�t confide in me, you�re not fun anymore. You were SO great. This kills every part of me, it�s like me realizing that I�ve made a BIG mistake like a divorce or something. Everyday I feel like I�m at a funeral; I feel like I�m driving home after burying the love of my life. This is partially true because the handsome boy with the maroon hair that I fell in love with is gone.
I am just afraid, I need to not be afraid. He�s made me cry more than laugh lately. I am in love with you but I don�t think you�re in love with me. You say you are you, say you�re so grateful but actions speak louder than words. Nothing inside of me has changed. This is your fault this time. Maybe it�s your way of getting me back. Perhaps?
I talk to myself now.
He used to spin me in circles at Disneyland. I�ve done so much to show him my love. He takes.
It�s like fishing.
I miss him... but I miss who he was. Not this new person who wants to be someone else. Never this new person who wants to be someone else.