Tips

Dry grass will burn. So will your pants if you stand too close to the fire. Polyester will melt, not burn, and thus cause the most unimaginable pain. If you happen to be wearing polyester mittens, do NOT stick your hand in the fire.

Under your bed is never a good place to hide food for any period of time longer than 4 hours. Even if you live in Iceland and the nearest cockroaches are in New York, they will manifest themselves under your bed within that time frame.

Smell the milk before you drink it from the carton. Remember, lumpy milk is NOT the same as cottage cheese.

Beer is not an adequate substitute for breakfast. Lunch and dinner occasionally, but never breakfast. And especially not directly prior to a Physics midterm.

Just cause you went to college for 4 years does not imply that you acquired any sort of degree, and thus bragging rights are reserved for those with a college diploma.

Most animals do not like to be poked at with sticks. Particularly poisonous ones.

Passing judgement on a person just because they are a minority is wrong. However, if they already suck and, as luck would have it, they happen to belong to a minority group, making fun of their religion/ethnicity/and/or race is entirely acceptable.

Dead jellyfish can still sting.

Snow is not soft and fluffy. Especially snowballs with rocks in them. Or snowballs dropped from the 11th floor window above you.

Universal is code for Pain in the ass. OE is code for peice of shit. And don't drop your oil drain plug in the drain pan.

Condoms don't flush well.

There are certain places where the 20 second rule does not exist. Behind the couch is one of them.

Don't ever eat things that 3 year olds hand you, even if they're eating the same thing.

If you pick up a large rock or log anywhere outdoors, remember what kinds of things like to live under large rocks and logs.

There are reasons for rules. Like the rule at work that says Employees are only to use standard issue box cutters to open boxes. That's because when you use those folding Bowie knives to open boxes they fold up on your fingers.

No matter how calm and collected you are, if you get your hand stuck in anyplace at any given time you will panick and flop around like a fish out of water.

Be mindful of your toes when you rake or use a "Lawn Weasel". It is also best to wear shoes when using a shovel.

When hiking, don't piss off the person in front of you. Later, when you DON'T get whipped in the face by every branch in your way, you'll be glad you were nice to them.

Antifreeze may smell good, but it does not make a good snack.

If you're planning on doing anything mildly illegal, get it out of the way while you're still a juvenile. (Hacking NASA and attempted murder do not qualify as minor infractions)

"Spandex is a priviledge, not a right" - Hackers

Everybody shits at work. The only difference is, girl shit comes out with tiny pink ribbons on it, and it smells like roses.

On that note, farting at work, especially in retail is not a great idea, because you may not be able to see who's in the aisle next to you, but rest assured they'll be aware of your presence.

Rodents may be small, but what they lack in stature, they make up for in teeth.

If, during sex, you for some reason forget the name of the partner you're with, do NOT under any circumstances, make up a name and hope he won't notice.

Not going to the doctor when you're sick only makes you look like a stoic for a couple days. When the stench of gangrene fills your home and you've vomited up your intestines and you start begging for sweet, merciful death, you look a lot less cool.

It has been in my experience, that although men will always claim they love whiney girls, they aren't referring to real whiney girls. They're referring to pouty porn star whiney girls in pig tails and cheerleader outfits. When you fall snowboarding and fracture your tailbone, your boyfriend's reaction is not going to be one of pity. In fact, I think the words were "Suck it up, Buttercup."

Singing in the shower is permissable, and everybody does it. However, the shower is not the place for dancing or any other theatrics. Naked accidents are the worst kind.

If you see a group of cars driving single file and going noticeably slower than the rest of traffic, make sure they're not following a hearse before you lay on your horn and dodge in and out of their procession.

A ferret's way of saying "Eat Shit" is to look you right in the eye and take a dump at your feet. So if you must piss off a ferret, make sure you're not standing on white carpet.

If you must try and slide a fart by under the radar, make sure to play it cool. In the event that you notice a noise, it's possible that nobody else did, especially since they weren't the ones trying to time-release a fart. So whatever you do, don't say "Did you hear something?" and then burst into hysterical laughter. Even if they didn't hear it and don't smell it, they can usually guess what it was.

If you happen to eat way too much, the right thing to do afterwards would NOT be jump around and play with your ferrets. It may lead to unpleasant vurping.