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| News articles courtesy of those crazy folks at the Oregonian. |
| 01/25/2006 The Amazing List-O-Matic 8000 Top 7 Love songs replaced with Danny Glover 1. "All you need is Danny Glover" 2. "Danny Glover Shack" 3. "Everlasting Danny Glover" 4. "I wanna know what Danny Glover is" 5. "One Danny Glover, People get ready" 6. "Tainted Danny Glover" 7. "You've gotta hide your Danny Glover away" 13 Horrible Names for a Hair Salon 1. Why won't you Dye? 2. The Mane Reason My Parole was Revoked 3. Nervous McStabby's Hair Care 4. Running with Scissors 5. In No Conditioner to Drive 6. Hair Commandant 7. Cuts & Bruises 8. I Will Cut Your Head 9. Shear Hostility 10. Clipping Penalty 11. Dexa-Trims 12. Dude, I'm so Buzzed 13. Mein Coif 01/26/2006 Oregon : She buries us with bad mottos Last week we told you that we needed a new state slogan, since our current official state motto is: "Oregon: She flies with her own wings." Here are some suggestions from readers: Oregon: Got rain? Oregon: Got meth? Come for the rain, stay for the floods. Live free or Die (it's your choice). The Great Pacific North Wet Noah would have loved it here. Lewis and Clark slept here. Dying to live here. It's a dry rain. Oregon reigns! Oregon: between the spuds and the suds. Oregon: She dies with her own prescriptions. Oregon: Our alphabet runs from H2O Oregon: Summer? We don't need no stinkin' summer! Oregon: We're doing something about the weather, legalizing suicide. Oregon: Where nothing is certain but meth and taxes. Oregon: Fit to be tie-dyed. Oregon: The rain in Spain falls mainly here. Oregon: We have our own drain. Oregon: We make our own mud. Oregon: Come for the bracket fungus, stay for the suicide. The Buhwer-Lytton fiction contest challenges writers to pen the world's worst first line to a novel. And while the winners are always hilarious, they usually tend to be a bit long-winded. So The Lyttle Lytton Contest was born, in which the writers is just as bad but twice as short. Examples: John, surfing, said to his mother, surfing beside him, "How do you like surfing?" Man oh man, you're going to like this book; boy howdy. Dr. Metzger turned to greet his new patient, blithel unaware he would soon become a member of a secret brotherhood as old as urology itself. "Joy is contagious," he said, peering into the microscope. Her ovine familiar baaahed angrily. The spaceship was crashing, but, more importantly, John and Greta were having sex in it. A lone testicle lay in a barren field. Before I got hit by that ole bus, I never used to think much, but now I think PLENTY. I am pleased to announce that, although attitudes have improved immensely, the beatings will continue. Gordon strove to be a nice pimp. There is also a contest for the worst FINAL sentence of a novel. Some entries include: "Lawd a'mighty," howled Caleb, to the consternation of those few who still remained in the helpless, drifting lifeboat, "some of y'all are lookin' mighty tasty!" And that was it, more or less, except for dear Gwendolyn, who had a little trouble with syphilis for some time afterward. Bound, blindfolded and buttered, at last Leopold knew the semblance of peace. But Gran was once again lost in quiet reminiscence, or perhaps her epilepsy. While defeating Mutantis, Gyroman lost everything, but learned that sometimes the clothes do make the man. Maria's flossing was now complete. For more go to www.adancadre.ac/lyttle.html And the award for best superhero goes to..... At a Jacksonville, FL Halloween party in 2005, a man dressed as "Belligerent Drunk Man" became belligerent and drunk and got into a fight with a man dressed as the Green Lanterm. According to reports, Belligerent Drunk Man's costume comprised a sweat suit, a blet made out of beer can pop-tops and a Supermn-style emblem on his chest that read: BDM. Best Mayoral Candidate James Skwarok, aka Mr. Floatie, a Victoria, B.C. community activist who dresses up in a giant poo costume, briefly entered the mayoral race before withdrawing his name after his candidacy was challenged by those who said he wasn't a real person. "Of course I'm not a real person," said Skwarok. "I'm a big piece of poop." Doofus of the Year Award Nigel Firth of Bristol, England, who wanted a lobster for dinner but couldn't afford it, so he went to a local market, stuffed a couple of them down his pants and sprinted for the door. The lobsters, however, weren't too happy, and so they did what lobsters do to protect themselves - used their powerful claws to clamp down on whatever is available. Emergency medical technicians had to be called to pry the lobsters loose. Doctors said Firth would recover, but he can give up hopes of ever becoming a father. 2nd Place The U.S. Military, which was working on a plan to develop a "gay bomb" that would make enemy troops "sexually irresistible " to each other. |