July 30, 2000
10:15 AM
I need to make a to-do list. I need to finish up some stuff at home today no matter what. I need to feel some discipline around here.
To Do Today
1. While watching CBS Sunday Morning (you know I can't miss it! Plus Sting is going to be on!!! Woowoo! AND today's Sunday Diversion feature is Chicago's summertime dance at the park!) organize dirty clothes for washing. During commercials go put clothes in washer/dryer.
2. Clean out fridge.
3. Organize lunch for the work week (basing this on only having $10 in my pocket so I will NOT be eating out at all this week).
4. Re-organize my bedroom. Do I leave the mattresses in there and leave the daybed in the living area, or do I toss them and put the daybed in? Ay ay ay, no se!
5. Read. Anything, just read. I haven't done it as much as I'd like the past month or so.
6. Late tonight update journal.
That's it. Doesn't seem like much but i'm sure I'll find more stuff to do as the day rolls ahead.
note1 - OMIGOD! they just had a feature story on CBS Sunday Morning about the largest bridge (Michigan) and how they have people who just can't get across because of their fear. They call these people timmies (timids). Umm, I'm one of them. I saw the bridge and it frightened me. It's FIVE FREAKIN' MILES LONG!!! How the hell can anyone just drive pleasantly by across it? Ay ay ay! Well, to my relief they actually have drivers that'll drive your car across the bridge for you. Isn't that the greatest? Woohoo! But like they said, this is a midwestern thing. Try asking for a driver to cross your car in New York and you'll get "well then you'll just have to stay on this side, sorry." I'm starting to appreciate the midwest a bit more. =)
note2 - I wrote the below sometime last night/this morning when I got home from partying a little too much and with a little too much booze. Surprisingly I don't have a headache and I can't believe I woke up so early, well, relatively speaking. Yay! Can't beat that! Anyway, I just read over this and I can't believe the shit I wrote. Well I can believe it because I knew what I was doing but at the same time I kept dozing off. Hahahaha. It's kinda funny. Enjoy my silliness.
2:20 AM
So I have some alcohol in my system at the moment. It doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing, writing, saying. On the contrary. This makes me more honest? Whatever. Anyway, why the hell am I writing at this hour? Well because I'm not sleepy just yet and I'm bored. Plus if I don't keep myself busy I'm gonna do something really stupid and I don't want to. I've been thinking about him more than usual lately. Meaning that instead of thinking about him at least ten times a day I'm know thinking about him at least twenty-five times a day. Why? Because I've been talking to him more lately? Because we've been together intimately more lately? Because we've bonded somewhat on a more spiritual level? Probably. Does he feel the same way? I don't know. Do I want to find out? No. Because if he doesn't then once again I'll be crushed. So what do I want from all this? Him. I want him in my life. I want to be in his life. Why him though? Why? That's the part that bothers me the most. Him out of all people in this huge world. Why him? Why couldn't I fall in love with someone that loved me back? Someone that cared even a tiny little bit for me? Speaking of someone, anyone, I found out today that one of my ex-boyfriends is now gay. LMAO! What the hell happened there? Hahahahahahahahaha. But I digress, and you know, I keep going back to correct my typo's instead of leaving them as is so that I can see how ditzy I was when I read this later on. Gawd, even drunk I'm so anal about my spelling. I'm such a l-o-s-e-r. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, him. Sigh. Why oh why did I fall for him. Why haven't I been able to just let go? Do I keep going back because I know someday we'll really be together? Because my sixth sense tells me that we were meant to be together but first have to go through all this shit? Because deep, deep down inside I know he loves me too? Why would he still be talking to me even though he's said he loves me but isn't in love with me? He can get his nookie elsewhere... why me? Sheez. And all this makes me think about why I want to move again. I hope on Monday when I speak to my counselor I'll be able to express to her all these emotions I'm feeling, everything I'm confused about. I hope she can help me sort things out. No, I take that back. I hope she can help me understand why I do what I do. She can't help me, I have to help myself, but I need to know how. Is that too much to ask for? Am I asking too much? - btw - i'm semi-watching tv while I do this and i just saw a commercial for that greg and dharma show... is it just me or is she the most annoying woman on the planet? gawd i cannot stand the bitch! - back to our regular programming. so yeah, why him? if you know and can help me out here, will you let me know. e-mail me okay? i'll love you forever and ever! Let's sing! 'soyyyyy un perdedor..... i'm a loser baby.....so why don't ya kill me?'.... isn't that how that beck song goes? sumthin like that. man i wish lainy was here so we could do that thingyh we did with the little smokey thingy and smokey smoeki.. yeah that... heee hehe.. umm so why amn i typing what? yes, okay i know my spelling is now really sucky but my eyes are starting to lose their vision, ... lids are haevy now, i'm really sleepy. i seeee you otomroow. nighte/
SCARY!!!