July 8, 2000
A revolution has ocurred within the confines of my life. An awakening.  A door has been open.  I've looked in the  mirror and see things I've never seen before although they've apparently been there for the longest time.

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I've learned a great deal about myself since yesterday, believe it  or not.  Yet I'm more confused about who I am than ever before.  All that I am, the person I am inside is apparently not the person I come across as.

Confused are you?  Well, not more than me.  I wish I was Frida Kahlo so  I could express myself through paintings.  I wish I was Janis Joplin so  I could express myself through songs.  I wish I was Robert Frost so I could express myself through poetry.  Yet I am none of these people.  I am me. I cannot paint, cannot sing, cannot write.  How then do I go about freeing  myself of these jumble of emotions I have trapped inside myself?   How do I let it all out?  Should I?  I wish I knew.  It's sad I only have this journal to tell.

The way I've dealt with my emotions is causing a great deal of friction in my life right now.  I don't know what to do about it.  I don't know how to correct the situation.  I don't know how to not do what I do to apparently push people away.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think I pushed people  away.  On the contrary, I thought by doing little things, going out of my way to find things they like, listening, trying to be a friend would bring me closer to people.  I guess it hasn't.

Y2K.  What a freakin' year.  What a way to start the millennium.  This roller coaster ride has been mostly taking the downhill route and doesn't  want to go back up.  It's July already.  Weren't things supposed to be better around this time?    I used to be able to make friends easily.  With a quick smile, a few words, and instant friendships were started.  Mind you, mostly with guys, but still, a friend is a friend.  In the past two years things have been different. Where is everyone?  Is it really me pushing people away without knowing it? But why would I do that when that's what I want?  Why would I NOT want friends and people in my life?  But I have made friends.  I'm confused.

Anyway, the only thing keeping me going right now is the fact that me not being here on this earth would cause a great deal of never-ending pain to my family.  I could never cause them unnecessary pain.  It would be a  selfish thing to do.  So I have to try and live with myself, try and change things so I can become a better person, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend.

In the meantime I'm seeking professional help, because honestly I don't know what else to do.