For everyone's reading entertainment please read this... >> Rant of the millenium
It could be because of the car accident, or because it's just been a weird week, or just because, but I've been in a unearthly mood since then. It's been both good and bad. Good because I've accomplished a lot at home and at work, but bad because I feel like I've pushed certain people away.
I guess I need to work on this since it's going to keep affecting my life. It's not the first time I do it either. When I feel someone is getting too close, in any capacity, I push push push away. I've done it since I can remember but never admitted it until now.
I thought I'd be able to explain it but I can't... or won't? Hmm... I just can't. Maybe when I figure out why I do this I'll be able to pontificate.
And that's all I have to say about that.
I'm looking forward to this weekend. I need to get some major sleep time in plus try to do twenty million other things I've put off during the week. Umm... okayyyy, how the hell am I going to do that? Ay ay ay.
Lists... once again the list of things to do comes in handy. Ready? Me either.
Must do this weekend or else: (or else what? well, just shut up and listen):
1. Catch up w/my web design homework
2. Read some of the books I've bought for the class
3. Mail box of goodies for mom
4. Mail Elaine's poster, pictures, and cd's
5. Go to Vicente Fernandez concert on Sunday (viva Mexico!)
6. Get in touch with Tania whom I haven't spoken to in ages
7. Get in touch with Eddie who owes me money (hee!)
8. BUY TICKETS FOR TRIP TO SAN FRANCISCO
9. Make list of reasons why I must do #8 or bad things will happen
List of reasons to do #8 above:
1. Elaine will not like me very much if I don't
2. Elaine will almost certainly kill me if I don't
3. I really want to see Elaine despite reason #1 and #2.
Blah, I'm tired of writing. Guess I'll catch up on this tomorrow.
Que no quiero quererte
Buscate a otro juguete
Yo buscare el amor
Tu y siempre tu
Todo a tu antojo y a tu egoismo
A tu razon
Yo, culpable fui
Por aferrarme a la limosna de tu amor
-Limite-
You know you've changed when an ocurrence that would normally make people react in some way and which doesn't even faze you, does! Did I make sense there?
I was involved in a minor traffic accident this morning. I was rear-ended and thankfully no major damage ocurred to myself or my tiny car. The other person's car was smashed quite a bit but otherwise she was fine too.
What made me realize that I've changed is the fact that I cried without caring who saw me. I cried like a baby.I kept crying until I got to work. I cried while writing about it to my family and friends (letting them know how much they mean to me), cried each time I remember that feeling of not being in control of the situation, and tears well up again when the scene plays over in my mind.
How does this translate to change in my life? Well, I've always been the strong one in my family. The one who neve panicked when things went wrong. The one who was able to stand there and take it, without so much as a flinch, when being abused. The one who took control of a situation by hiding my feelings and swallowing the tears and hurt I felt while everyone around me cried in agony. The one who cold-heartedly told a dear friend "Well that's your problem!" when confronted with a situation that could have been easily resolved with a simple "I'm sorry".
All my life I've learned to hide my hurt, anger and sadness. All my life I've learned that looking weak only brings more hurt and pain. I held on to the poison I grew up with not knowing that it might end up killing me one day. I assumed it would go away by itself.
It didn't and I almost died.
At this point in my life a physical death was something I'd attempted as a depressed teenager and it scared me to even contemplate it again. This time my soul was dying. I was about to give up on life and let things fall where they would.
However, through some strength reserved inside me that I didn't know about I pulled myself from the black hole I was in and I asked for help...something I'd refused to do before.
To my complete surprise,it worked!
Months later I find myself alive (doh!), content, and best of all crying.
How's that for change?
It's time to face the consquence
For delivering the proof
In the policy of truth.
-Depeche Mode-
Some strange coincidences happened last night that made the rest of my night sleepless (why else would I be up at 6am on a Sunday?). It's something that I can't write about just yet until things have settled down. It's nothing bad, nothing good, just something weird. Well, I guess it can turn into something bad, but I don't think it'll happen. Could I be a little more cryptic?
We'll be learning about tables in my next web design class. Ouch! I don't like tables, I don't like coding tables, I just don't like anything about tables in HTML. But like our teacher said it's a necessary evil. Well, blah!
Today is pay day and I have to decide whether to go ahead and pay for my next web class or wait until the last minute. The only reason I'm hesitating is because I have to buy my airplane tickets for my trip back home to Texas and also for my trip to San Francisco. I can afford it but it'll leave me with only a few dollars left over for everyday things. Blah!
I received an encouraging email about my webpage from one of my favorite journal reads, Erica. I hope one day my page is as exciting to read and look at as hers. Saludos chica!
I used to love him but now I don't
I used to love him but now I don't
I chose a road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of a fiend
I used to love him but now I don't
I used to love him but now I don't
-Lauryn Hill-