Imagine for a second that you're Noah Webster, you've just written the most complete dictionary in human history and are pretty proud of yourself. Then Turkey comes along and completely rips apart the meaning of important words like 'insane', 'stupid', and 'crap' by trying to rip off Star Trek and failing on every conceivable level.

We open our outer space adventure in the classic Star Trek fashion: surf music and a REALLY orange screen. For those of you that don't own a copy here's how to recreate the experience: put on the worst surf music you know, then jam an orange in your eye.

This is probably the best time to point out that I don't speak Turkish, to me Turkish sounds like someone saying 'wobbleteebobble' over and over with a mouth full of corn, so I wasn't able to understand just what they were saying. But, seeing how one of the main bad guys is a speedo-wearing karate robot, I think it's safe to say the Turkish viewers didn't know either. Anyway, back to the show.

After a minute of pointless fiddling with blinking lights we are introduced to Captain Kirk. The Turkish version of Kirk is used as proof that, in the future, not only are gay men allowed to marry, they have also found a way to reproduce, creating some sort of 'super gay' man who now pilots this space ship. Kirk minces over to his chair, crosses his legs as high as possible, then talks a bit with the extremely bird-like Uhura. Possibly about where she got her ultra-cute mini-skirt cause Kirk is going clubbing later.

Well hey! Here's Doctor McCoy, and Spock! Spock's trademark eyebrow is recreated by shaving the actor's real eyebrows, and drawing the right one just a bit higher than the left.

Here's the first thing I noticed:

What exactly do you call uniforms that aren't uniform?

Here's the second: in the future they don't have underwear!! The unshielded batches of Kirk and Spock laugh at me! This is most profound when the actors put their leg up on something, which is every scene!

After a few minutes of woobleteebobble our intrepid crew decides to go somewhere and do something. They bring two crew members: one wears a green shirt, the other a lime shirt. With them are Kirk, Spock and 'Doktor MAHcoy' as he is called.

Our crew beams down to the planet. An effect created by having the actor hold still, erasing parts of the film, making the film go out of focus, stopping the camera, and starting it again after they walk off set. Voila! Instant teleportation! It'd be MORE impressive if they managed to hold the camera still between cuts but hey, at least they did the eraser thing eh?

Down on the planet our heroic captain makes a bold decision: they must split up. Well, to be honest, it's that the green shirt guy should stay outside and wander around while the rest go in a cave.

In the cave they meet Nancy. I think Doktor MAHcoy knows Nancy, but the lime shirt guy sees another woman (just mentally add 'I think' to the end of every sentence).

So Nancy leaves to talk to Professor Comb-Over, Professor Comb-Over is fiddling with a skinny guy in a leopard print speedo. I swear to God he's taping a pine-comb to his back. Swear. To. God.

A scream! The intrepid heroes run outside to find Nancy standing over green shirt's corpse! The actors take the time to put their legs up on his body. For laughs I think. Here we notice a new thing: Spock's ears change height in every scene, you'll never see them at the same height for even the smallest scene change.

Now the pain starts. Now, an innocent and inept rip off of Star Trek turns into the horror movie that may just punch your bowels out with it's awfulness. Now we meet: Mr. Tourist.

God...save us...

Mr. Tourist is THE Odious Comedy Relief. I'm not talking about for this episode, I'm talking about for all time. He's everyone you've ever hated rolled into one ball, he's the jackass that never flushes the toilet, he's the boss's son that only has his job because he's the boss's son. You WILL want to punch him. Mr. Tourist looks like a bum, he's unshaven, dirty, never takes his hat off, and I'm betting smells like wet garbage. Mr. Tourist also NEVER fucking stops talking. If he isn't talking he's doing double, even triple takes, if he isn't doing either he's crossing his eyes. But most of the time, and for an eternity, he will be doing all three at once.

*sigh* If I hadn't made a promise...

Hey! Why it's Mr. Tourist's wedding day! Complete with 'boing' sound effects and large men in tight plaid pants!

Uh-Oh! Mr. Tourist is being married against his will! The large men are holding guns to him and Mr. Tourist is praying for help. Over. And Over. And over. Again.

Well Mr. Tourist is transported to the planet everyone else is on! Though I guess they forgot the whole 'transporter effect' thing, so he kinda just pops into existence.

So Mr. tourist wanders the planet, talking to himself, when he encounters two skinny leopard print bikini girls who are painted gold for some reason. Look, go with it.

After talking to them for six years he's captured by the Speedobot and taken to Professor Comb-Over. Where he meets Nancy...who starts licking his hand. Mr. Tourist's course of action is clear: multiple double takes and talking! Go Mr. Tourist. You stupid sack of crap. Then Mr. Tourist pokes the Speedobot in the back and laughs...and pokes...and laughs...and pokes...and laughs.

Oscar clip: Mr. Tourist makes Speedobot drink something while skinny gold girls watch (every scene with Mr. Tourist should be followed by: 'and again, and again, and again.')

Well here's where the wheels fly off the bus and into a crowd of nuns.

Mr. Tourist is captured by Kirk and Co. and, doing the only sensible thing, release him onto the bridge of the Enterprise. There are three armed females watching him, so he proceeds to chase them around and pat their legs.

It's also interesting to note that at this point they lost the door sound effect from Star Trek and have replaced it with some guy standing off screen going 'Shhhhhhhhhhht' when the doors open or close.

Well here's Kirk and the gang, they'll straighten out Mr. Tourist.

What I mean is: they'll let Mr. Tourist poke buttons until the alarm goes off and the crew all start lurching is several different directions...typically at the same time.

Back on the planet Green Shirt's family is gonna be pissed they left his body on the planet's surface instead of, you know, maybe taking it back to the ship.

Haha. This is great: Back on the ship we get a glimpse of what nurses' jobs are in the future: to lift the head of the bed a foot and then lower it. Mr. Tourist gets them to do it again and again...and again...and again...

So then nothing much happens. Nancy changes into the Green Shirt, beams up to the Enterprise, starts licking people, things like that.

Enough of the plot! Back to the komedy! Spock takes a flashlight off the wall that's hung by a string from a nail...on the side of the star ship...and flips the switch by the computer. Mr. Tourist does a dozen double takes and steals it. He then starts flipping the on/off switch before accidently putting it on his tummy, causing some weird sounds.

The crew is instantly on full alert, they sound the 'strange tummy sounds' alarm and go running through the hallways...hallway...room on the ship with dirt floors.

Mr. Tourist explains the tummy sounds to Spock who changes the 'strange tummy sounds' alert level from red to yellow and all is well.

So Mr. Tourist follows Spock around the bridge poking his smelly head into things and talking nonstop. I'm not kidding when I say Mr. Tourist never stops talking, there is a constant stream of Turkish coming out of his mouth, he also does every act, no matter how stupid, five or six time in a row.

Spock asks the computer the meaning of one of Mr. Tourist's newest phrases: Zzzzt. The computer response by laughing like a lunatic, shaking rapidly, emitting smoke, and making 'massive explosion' sounds. Frankly that's the only logical response to Mr. tourist period.

Nancy/Green guy changes to Random Black Guy, I'd say it had subtext since her next victim is a white woman, but right now I'm blaming Turkey for cancer and refuse to give them credit for anything that can be considered 'competent' (even in a racist way).

Mr. Tourist sees this but it goes without saying his reaction: double takes and 'gags' repeated over and over.

Someone finds the body and Nancy/Random Black Guy changes into Nancy/Doktor MAHcoy.

Here's where those wheels catch fire and achieve a sentience of their own after the nuns gave them a taste for blood.

Kirk and the crew beam down to the planet to confront Professor Comb-Over (remember him?) Professor Comb-Over uses a secret wall to escape. Spock does something to open the wall.

Emerging on the outside Kirk is surprised by a Hippo-headed monster with wobbly fingers. He seems scared but the Hippo-head is a good 40 yards away. So Kirk decides then jumps around for a few minutes working his way closer to the Hippo-head while calling for Spock to help. During which the Hippo-Head starts shooting fire from his shoulder.

Spock appears and throws a rock at Hippo-head.

Who answers by throwing a bigger rock two feet, which magically flies the remaining forty or fifty feet to Spock. I've honestly no idea how far they were from each other, they're never shown in the same scene so I can only assume that the Hippo-head costume ate up enough of the budget that they couldn't afford a camera man and two actors for the day.

Since Spock's awesome 'plan big rock' failed he goes to plan B: his phaser. Most likely using the same eraser, the Turkish special effects crew manage to create a pretty awesome effect...nah I'm just yanking you, they couldn't even buy a ruler to make the line straight.

But enough of all this 'monster' jazz, time for Kirk and Spock to poke at Green Shirt's body some more. As well as put their legs up a lot. I need a scrubber for my eyes.

More Mr. Tourist fun! He meets a bikini lady who's sole purpose is to create a Turkish stereotype: Turkey has no good looking women. Thank you for pointing this out Turkey, you saved me some Turkish mail order bride money.

When Mr. Spock approaches Nancy/Bikini Lady changes into Nancy/Vulcan Lady. But, once again, they forgot the whole 'special effects thing'. But it's no big loss since Turkish special effects REALLY earn the 'special' part.

Somehow this causes Kirk and Spock to fight, their life and death struggle brilliantly scored by the opening surf music piece.

During the course of this horribly stiff and awkward fight scene ('Ok annnnnnnnnd hit me now!') Kirk picks up some convenient weapons he finds on the ground *shrug*

Nancy/Vulcan Lady runs off (for some reason) and changes (for some reason) into Nancy/Doktor MAHcoy (for some reason) which makes Kirk and Spock friends again (for some reason). I had to get the out of my system.

Kirk and Spock have that close relationship where you can just try to kill each other for no reason, then just never mention it again. They're just that comfortable with each other.

Nancy/Doktor MAHcoy runs off.

So our two heroes and...Mr. Tourist... go for a stroll. Whereupon twenty Speedobots appear in the rocks above and yell while leaping down in unison. Again and again. Okay, a few points for making it realistic.

Then the epic battle ensues: Kirk, Spock, and Sackofcrap surrounded by Speedobots going 'YAAH!' and flailing vaguely in their directions as if to say 'Look at me I'm nearly nude, enjoy my nipples.' No thank you Speedobots, no thank you.

Nancy/Doktor MAHcoy has a change of heart and makes the Speedobots fight each other...but is outsmarted by Professor Comb-Over (he stands behind her and gets a Phaser). So the Speedobots fight Kirk and Spock again. I'm sorry, I mean 'fight' Kirk and Spock again.

Then Mr, Tourist executes his flawless plan to run the hell away.

To another Speedobot control panel in the middle of the rock quarry they are in. To set the Speedobots to 'fight each other' again.

Now is the final showdown with Professor Comb-Over. Kirk and Spock corner Professor Comb-Over and, in one of the most shocking twists, a scientist is destroyed by his own creation.

I'm pretty sure, I mean Nancy beats up Kirk and Spock, closes in on the Professor...then we cut to the orange thing from the begining...and back literally three seconds later. What?

So now come the finalER showdown between the crew and Nancy.

Nancy meets Doktor MAHcoy and hides behind him as Spock and Kirk come down the hall. Doktor MAHcoy refuses to give up Nancy so Spock takes things into his own hands by getting bitch slapped all up and down the friggin' cave by Nancy.

Doktor MAHcoy still isn't convinced so he protects Nancy from Kirk. Kirk manages to get within three inches of MAHcoy and practically hands his phaser over.

Whereupon Nancy starts to lick Kirk.

Well, after about ten minutes this is all the proof MAHcoy needs, so he phasers Nancy who changes into a GorillaWitch and has herself a good three minute death scene.

Then Mr. Tourist runs in and makes comedy history. I swear on my life that Mr. Tourist runs in, is shown the dead GorillaWitch, and does a triple take which has a double take inside it!!! Here's a transcript: Mr. Tourist looks at GorillaWitch, looks up, looks at GorillaWitch, look at Spock, looks up, looks at Spock, looks at GorillaWitch, looks up. Scene.

Well back to the Enterprise where the crew tries to get Mr. Tourist the hell off their ship. Mr. Tourist of course won't stop talking and kisses Spocks cheeks a good half-dozen times (the crew all have their legs up throughout).

So finally Mr. Tourist is sent back to the wedding which has apparently been sitting there the whole time (they also forgot to 'special effect' Mr. Tourist's entrance).

Mr. Tourist bemoans his fate until the wedding party notices his Spock ears, Mr. Tourist then Neck Pinches the guys with the guns and talks. And talks. And talks. And talks. And talks. And talks. And talks. And talks. And talks. And talks. And talks. And talks.

Holy God. I'm the world's greatest detective so I'm vaguely sure what the main plot was about, I'm not a Star Trek fan so I've never seen the shows but I think I have a pretty good grasp.

But what the hell was the Mr. Tourist thing about?? I mean seriously. If he was added for 'komedy' they failed on every front. You WILL want to punch Mr. Tourist. You WILL beg for his scenes to end.

Besides the noted scenes of COMPLETELY unintentional comedy the entire episode is packed, packed with scenes of Mr. Tourist making faces, talking non-stop, and making faces while talking non-stop and making the odd sound. I didn't even get into the whole 'talking computer that sounds like a Japanese girl' thing, or the 700 innapropriate close ups (mostly of Spock doing the eyebrow thing) or just how damn long and horrid the Speedobot fight was. Scene after scene was just so painful, so many things made no sense, and many, many things were botched beyond belief. But it gets results you stupid chief!!

I honestly didn't notice half this stuff when watching with friends, only when I sat down to review it did it become a chore, with friends you're liable to choke to death laughing. It's so sad that I enjoyed this, so sad indeed.

I honestly hate Mr. Tourist though.

This review � copyright 2004 Dogheart and used by the Tomb of Anubis� with express written permission. No duplication of this review in part or in whole is allowed without the same permission. Contact the Tomb of Anubis� for permission and information on doing so. If you're not interested however, then why the Hell are you reading all this crap? Do you have a legal fetish? Does that little copyright symbol get your juices flowing?! GO AWAY!