HU'S ON FIRST
(We take you now to the Oval Office of The White
House in 2000)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new
leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new
leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of
the new leader of
China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought
he was in the Middle
East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the
new leader of China.
Get
me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use
a glass of milk.
And
then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me
the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars.
Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls,
too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.
Can you get Chinese
food
in the Middle East?
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
English -Cleaning Automobile
Chinese - Wa Shing Ka
English - Recreational Foot Apparal
Chinese - Bo Ling Shu
English - Lesbians
Chinese - Tu Kan Chu
English - Take A Bath
Chinese -Pi Yu
English - Chew Your Food
Chinese - Yu Cho King
English - No Joke
Chinese -Fu Ling Yu
English -I Have A Cold
Chinese -Ah Chu
English - See me A.S.A.P.
Chinese - Kum Hia Nao
English -Stupid Man
Chinese - Dum Gai
English -Small Horse
Chinese - Tai Ni Po Ni
English - Did you go to the beach?
Chinese - Wai Yu So Tan?
English - I bumped into a coffee table.
Chinese - Ai Bang Mai Ni
English - I think you need a facelift.
Chinese - Chin Tu Fat
English - It's very dark in here.
Chinese - Wai So Dim?
English - Has your flight been delayed?
Chinese - Hao Long Wei Ting?
English - That was an unauthorized execution.
Chinese - Lin Ching
English - I thought you were on a diet.
Chinese - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
English - This is a tow away zone.
Chinese - No Pah King
English - Do you know the Macarena lyrics?
Chinese - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
English - You are not very bright.
Chinese - Yu So Dum
English I got this for free.
Chinese - Ai No Pei
English - Are you harboring a fugitive?
Chinese - Hu Yu Hai Ding?
English - I am not guilty.
Chinese - Wai Hang Mi?
English -Please, stay a while longer.
Chinese - Wai Go Nao?
English - Our meeting is next week.
Chinese - Wai Yu Kum Nao?
English - They have arrived.
Chinese - Hia Dei Kum hum
Isn't it cute? Heh heh.
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers.
The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't serve quackers.
Sure enough, the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks for some quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, "If you come in here one more time, I'm going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and some nails! "
A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again.The bartender notices the duck and says, "I'm warning you!"
The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?"
The bartender replies, "No!"
The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender replies, "No!"
The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"
A True Senior Moment
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said and then he turned toward the kitchen and
yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to
last night?"
1.How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?
2.Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.
3.Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.
4.Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
5.That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.
6.Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.
7.The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.
8.Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
9.Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?
10.Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.
A big, fat lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. The bartender says," Hey, where'd you get the pig." She says, "It's not a pig it's a duck." He says, "I was talking to the duck."
mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead now it goes to school with her between two chunks of bread
little miss muffet sat on a tuffet her clothes all tattered and torn it wasnt the spider that crept up beside her it was little boy blue and his horn
simple simon met a pieman going to the fair said simple simon to the pieman what have u got there? said the pieman unto simon Pies you dickhead
mary had a little lamb it ran into a pylon 10,000 volts went up its arse and turned its wool to nylon
georgie porgie pudding and pie kissed the girls and made them cry when the boys came out to play he kissed them too cos he was gay
jack and jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun
jill the dill
fogot her pill
and now they have a son
A boy was in school and the teacher asks him, ''Bobby, what is round and red?'' Bobby says, ''A banana!'' The teacher says, ''No, Bobby, it's an apple, but at least I know that you were thinking.'' The teacher asks him again what is long and yellow and Bobby says, ''An apple!'' The teacher says, ''No Bobby, but at least you you were thinking.'' Bobby then looked down in his desk and asked the teacher, ''What is 4 inches long, yellow and has red on the tip?'' The teacher says, ''BOBBY!! Is that what I think it is? A penis?'' Bobby says, ''No, it's a match, but at least I know you were thinking!!''
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dang it! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY. (i never new that kids could drive?!?)
26. On Nightly sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)
Jesus, Moses, and an old guy went golfing. Moses tee's off and hits the ball in a lake. he says "its OK its OK" and goes over and parts the waters. he hits the ball again and gets a hole in 2. Then Jesus tee's off and the ball also goes in the lake. he says "its ok its ok" and walks across the water and hits the ball again and gets a hole in 2. then the old guy tee's off. the ball flys into a rabbits mouth, and just as it goes in an eagle swoops down and picks up the rabbit and flies off. as they pass over the hole the rabbit spits out the ball and the old guy gets a hole in 1. Moses turns to Jesus and says 'I hate it when your dad plays"