It's been two days since I've left my room. I only surface to get food, but I return as quickly as I can. There's nothing to do but sit here and think about what I could have done differently. How I could have kept myself out of this position. But still, as I wonder how I got like this, I don't doubt what I did or why I did it. I couldn't live my life like I was. I couldn't spend another night in a bed with a man I didn't love. I felt low and dirty, like a cheap whore. My heart belonged to someone else and I wanted my body to belong to him as well. To have another man touch me, made me sick. I would close my eyes and silently beg him to stop. And sooner or later he would, but not before my dignity was crushed.
I have found security, however, despite being in this house. I've found faith. Not of a religious kind, but faith in love. To know that in the midst of all this hate and hurt and disappointment, there is a light. It may seem small, but it's there. And as long as I know it is, I'm going to hang on. This may be my punishment for the pain I have caused so many people. So I will take it as it comes. I will accept whatever price I have to pay for my own happiness. I have made many sacrifices and now it's their turn.