closet1

The closet is my space. The only space that i have all to my self. I have to share everything else with my parents, sister, brothers, and old decrepit grandmother. The closet is mine to hold all my own. No one knows about the closet except for me and for not thats how it has to be. for you see the closet was apart of my subconcious and that was all.

The closet is small, about three feet, by four feet, and five feet high. i am five feet five inches. i have to duck when i get in and curl up when i am in. The walls are ushualy a dark gray-green. i say ushualy becuse they tend to like to change especially when my mood changes.

What do i have in my 3 by 4 by 5 closet? i have a shoebox. not one of those bright colorful shoeboxes with a new age shape. no, it is just a plain old shoebox that i found once on the side of the road. it is white with little blue writing on it that says "spirit". i geuss that's the name of the sort of shoes someone once got in it.

In my box i have; one broken locket, one safty pin, two earings, and a roll of clear tape.

The broken locket i got from my mother when i was born. it is the shape of a heart, and though it looks to be gold, i think it is a fake. i once saw one exactly like it in the corner store when i was five. the reason it is broken is another story for another time.

The safty pin i found laying in the gutter about three years ago. it is still sharp, but horably rusted, and it doesnt like to close at all anymore.

The earings where a presint from my grandmother. she gave then to me when i was four. they dont match. i cant remember when i had the mates to them, but they have been gone for a long time. they are also as different as different can be. the first one is gold; it dangles about 3 in. long. once a long time ago it hung straight, but now it has a crimp in it and likes to hang to the right. the sencond is small and silver. it is the shape of a moon. the top of the moon used to have a rock in it. you can see where it fell out, i dont remeber a time when it wasnt missing. but you know, it's doesnt really matter that neither of them have pairs or that one is bent and the other broken, becuse i dont have my ears peirced; never have and wont for a long time. i asked my mother once if i could get them done, she just laughed at me and said no saying " why the hell would you want your ears peirced? it would make you look like a streetwalker."

And then there is the roll of tape. i got it years back when i found a 25-cent piece on the pavement ouside our house. i used it to hold together the pages in my scrapbook that i kept in the bottom drawer of the dresser. i would put that in my coset too but it wont fit. too many thoughts. the roll of tape used to be sticky, but now it's not. when you pull a peice off, the tackiness dries up and blows away.

Why do i keep all of these object in my closet? the answer is simple, i dont, they keep themselves there.

Now that i am older, and people are getting to know me better, the closet is starting to fade away. i live on my own. i have my own house, and my own things. the only being that i have to share anything with is my cat ruby. i have lost touch with my parents and most of my family. i have been in a few relationships, all of which have ended horably. one was with a man who couldnt seem to love. the next was with a man who would hit me when i wouldnt do what he wanted. the third was with a two men i lived with. i wasnt really with eather of them but they both liked to flirt and smack me around. one was co-dependent, and the other was loud and abusive. my next relationship was with a woman. i decided that after the last few relationships men just werent working out, but this wasnt much better. she was older then me and just couldnt keep herself together. she was always breaking down, and wound disappear for days at a time when she was sad. i now have a therapist.

My closet is still there, lingering in the back of my mind. maybe someday i will finally be able to clear it out and move on.