September

Okay... Thursday my train was a little late getting to the station (something about problems in New Rochelle). That wasn't a big deal. What was a big deal was that the Acela train is worthless. Yes, it does have the ability to go 160 mph, but it can't do that on the northeast route. I think it went fast at some point in New Jersey, but for a lot of the ride, I could have run faster than the train. They make announcements at every stop, right? Wrong! I was dozing off around Wilmington and they didn't announce the Baltimore stop. Several people were confused about where to get off and several people missed getting off at the correct stop. How ridiculous! I know Baltimore is not where people should WANT to get off, but many of us have to. Anyway, it was a pain but just doesn't seem important now. There are other things MUCH more important which I will get to later in this entry.

When I checked in at the Marriott, they only had one room left, and it only had one bed. Even though I requested 2 beds, that's not a guarantee. So Josh and I had to sleep in the same bed. Oh, and while I was packing, I forgot that Josh would be staying with me one night. So I packed what I usually sleep in- nothing. Whoops! So I asked Eytan if he could bring some sweat pants and a t-shirt for me. Glad that worked out. Other problems with the room- the light in the bathroom was out and I had an ironing board but no iron.

Viewing on Thursday night was very busy and the phone system wasn't working so we had to deal with that on top of getting set up for viewing. Oh, and the stuff wasn't set up until the last minute because Office Movers didn't send enough people to help pack up the stuff and then when they finally arrived in Hunt Valley, the staff wasn't competent enough to start getting things set up.

After the exhausting night, Eytan and I went to Carabas for dinner. Neither of us liked it- bad food, bad service, and boring suburban atmosphere.

After I got back to the hotel, I had a drink at the bar. Great bartender! He told me that he's worked there for 11 years and out of all the groups that use the hotel, Balpex is the worst. Everyone at the hotel hates them! He also told me that the reason the hotel is kicking us out of the room early for the wedding and bending over backwards for the wedding people is because he bride is the sister of the banquet manager.

That night I had a dream I was pregnant. I was at Paula and Harvey's house talking to Paula- she was happy! I could feel the baby kicking- it hurt- maybe my stomach hurt last night and caused this dream.

Woke up singing some cool bassline of a modern rock song (don't know the rest of the song though). Also in my head that morning was "Big Dream" from "Thing Called Love" and Dave Matthews' "Crash".

Didn't get a snowball on Thursday night- alcohol seemed like a better choice after the Marriott issues.

Friday was more hectic than Thursday since there were more viewers but not enough people to help. Plus, the phones still weren't working. The management blamed us- telling us that because we moved a phone (we didn't take the cords out of the jack or anything- just moved them to a different table), we shut down the entire phone system. Eventually they realised it wasn't our fault and decided to start looking into the problem. A guy from the phone company came out and spent the entire day "fixing" the problem. It never got fixed.

I was so happy when Josh arrived and I could get out of there. I had a quick drink at the bar and then we went to get a snowball! Yum!!! We got down to Pier Six and the opening act (Willy Porter) was quite good!! The show was great! Three highlights for me- instrumental Pibroch, A New Day Yesterday, and Budapest!! The people around us were obnoxious- only going to hear Aqualung, only getting into it when they played a hit... It was great to sit in front of Martin and see him healthy and into the show. I've had a seat on his side twice and both times he was feeling ill and not excited about playing. Ian re-injured his knee but appeared to be doing well. Josh got a great copy of the show and I can't wait to get a copy of it! Right at the first highlight- Pibroch instrumental, the storm started! Do these guys control the weather? The last time I saw them at Pier Six, a clap of thunder hit just during the big drum part of Farm on the Freeway. So the rain cooled things off, the lightning was beautiful and the experience added to the enjoyment of the show!! Glad I was there!

After, we went to the Austin Grill- 4th time I was there and 4th time I wasn't hungry so I didn't get anything. Josh's food wasn't good and the service was horrible.

Saturday I woke up singing Once Hush's Superior Machines.

Saturday working was just as bad. The phones still weren't working, a lot of the staff was getting crabby, and it was exhausting. Everyone was having problems with the Marriott. Room keys weren't working. Food took an hour to get at the restaurant. They overbooked the hotel. The funniest thing- one of the dealers was given his room key. He opened the door and it was already occupied... by one of the wedding couples... enjoying their wedding night! Whoops! When asked why this happened, they were told that they weren't sure which rooms had been given out that day. This hotel is so incompetent!!

Saturday night Eytan and I went to Pacific Rim which has good food but I wasn't hungry. After, we got a snowball!!!

Sunday I woke up singing "Every Story" from "Aida". Had a dream the night before that was like a movie. I put myself into the second half of an action/adventure type movie. Something about people trying to trick us, we were trying to run away in California- took a car that was parked on the side of a road, we found clothes to use as a disguise... I don't know- it was weird and fun. Then I woke up and when I went back to sleep I had another dream. I was talking to Kris Kahn on the phone and he was asking me if I had ever been to some club in New York. I said know and he was surprised. He then started naming bands to see if I had heard of them. I had heard of half. I asked if I passed his coolness test. He laughed and said no but the way I asked that question gave me a few more coolness points. Then he went in another room to read me a list of album titles to see if I could get any more coolness points.

When I got out of bed, there was a bill under my door. I was not checking out until Monday- they better not give my room to someone else! I picked it up and it was someone else's bill. I called the front desk to see what to do, and the woman told me to just throw it away.

So Sunday, after a bit of effort, the phone system was working!! Hallelujah!!! More stress, everything busy, hectic day! But the auction went well- even with the moving everything into the other room so the wedding reception could get set up. But the auction was a success.

After breaking everything down, Eytan and I went to Bare Bones (a new bar and grill). I ordered the soup of the day. The waiter came back and said they were out of it and suggested the cream of crab. Fine. I wasn't that hungry. He came back in the few minutes to say they were out of that too. I eventually settled for a baked potato and of course wasn't charged for it.

I got back to the room exhausted and wanted to watch a movie. I pressed the menu button, picked the movie, said I was being billed, and then it went back to the regular channels. I called the front desk and they sent someone up from engineering. The guy did exactly what I did and the same thing happened to him. It was 11:45 and he said he was getting off at midnight. In other words, he wasn't going to stick around to try to fix it. He just told me I wouldn't be billed for it. I'd better not be!! So no movie.

Monday morning I woke up singing "Gods Love Nubia" from "Aida"- it was in my head at 9:00 and then I went back to sleep for an hour and it was still in my head when I woke up the second time. I still don't understand why this show is in my head so much. Maybe I should see it again? I'd love to see Matt Bogart in that role to see what he does with it. But I'd also still want to see the show with Heather Headley and she's leaving soon... Oh, never mind.

Anyway, that morning I checked out (fortunely, I didn't need a clear copy of the receipt since both copies I tried to get were smeared- why couldn't they fix the toner?) and Harvey and Paula picked me up and we went to get a snowball! Then we dropped Paula off at their house and Harvey and I went to the office to discuss how to use Microsoft Access. For some stupid reason, the computers they had built didn't have Access on them (why would you design a business computer without Access?) so our meeting didn't last very long. He gave me a ride to the train station and I managed to take an earlier train.

Okay, now for the serious issues... I don't know if I should be writing this since anyone can read it (I doubt anyone involved will be reading it though). The staff is not happy. They feel overworked, don't like dealing with Paula, and have problems with Harvey too. Supposedly nothing Paula does is a good idea (oh, does that include letting them leave early to go buy a mattress or come in late so they can go to other weekly appointments?). Paula decided to quit. She did not go to work today. She's reached her limit and doesn't want to work in that environment. I don't blame her one bit. Yesterday, Harvey was ready to make other arrangements as well. Today, he wants to work everything out. He wants to learn how to communicate better with the staff and have everything all happy and perfect. Well, that will never happen. People want to remember the bad, not the good. No matter what you say and do, it won't be enough. That's just the way people are. People like to complain. This staff learned they can complain to Harvey and, since he has a bad memory and/or doesn't like to confront, all their comments will be justified. Harvey does need to learn to stand up to them and document things so he doesn't have to rely on his memory. But he's been working on that for over 5 years and there hasn't been even a tiny percentage of improvement. If he was only dealing with the staff and not running the business, some changes might be able to occur. But I doubt it will with all the other work he has to do- his schedule is not constistent and he will be starting from scratch every time he's back in the office. Plus, it's not worth it. He's good at what he does- buy, sell, and deal with clients. He's not good at dealing with employees. The situation at the office will never change and he needs to understand that. He wants everyone to understand him and realise that he's right in his decisions. They won't. I'm curious how this will play out. I don't see Paula going back, but maybe she will, I don't know. I don't think they should put up with what they put up with. It's not healthy and not worth it. Harvey thinks if he leaves the business, the staff will get to think that they were right- Harvey was not cut out for the job and had to quit. Yeah, they probably will think that. No matter what he does though, they will think that. All of think the business does well because of them- George said no money was made until he came, John said the place was an unorganised disaster before he came, and Lisa and Ben say the same thing. So why not lower the blood pressure and find another solution and close up shop? This isn't coming out right. I know how I feel but can't seem to put it into words. I'm tired and my brain isn't sharp.

I am worried how this will effect the next month or so- especially the Harbour Sale. If Paula does not come back- I won't have anyone in that office who is rational and treats me the way I deserve to be treated. I don't really want to deal with that but will have to. I had my own problems with the staff this weekend and informed Paula that after the Harbour Sale, I didn't want to do this anymore. I reached my limit. Everyone feels they can give me things to do and I do them gladly. I think helping each other out during stressful auction times is important. So when I ask someone to do something, I expect the same in return. No. I asked Bev, who was just standing around talking to Lisa, if she could find someone to make the room cooler (it was boiling). She said no. Sunday, I asked Lisa if she could run down to the show to get a dealer who wanted to bid on a certain lot. It would take 5 minutes. She said she didn't think we should have to do that and then she left. Then I asked Bev and she said she was going to be "writing in the book"- she meant keeping a hard copy of the prices realised. Well, George does that, it would be in the computer, Jeff has it in his computer, plus for the 5 minutes she was gone- I could do it as well. We'd have plenty of hard copies. She said, no her doing that was more important and she wouldn't go get the dealer at the show. Then John came up to me later and said I couldn't have any of "his" staff doing errands- he needed them to set up the room the auction would be moving to- he needed Bev, Lisa, George, and Mike. Well, then who would help with phone bidding? He didn't need all of them- the hotel staff would be doing it too- and the whole process of setting up the room should take 20 minutes and that would be done before the auction even started. It was just ridiculous. So I said I would do it myself. Then I thought Bill was coming in to help phone bid. No, he wasn't. So now I definitely needed Lisa to help phone bid and I would need to be phone bidding the entire time. Mike said he could run down to the show. Great! Then Bill said he could come in. So that all worked out. AND- before the auction even started, John, Lisa, Bev, and Mike were all up in the auction room since the other room had been set up. So why did John have to make a big deal? And why does everyone tell me no when I ask them to do things even though I tell them yes when they ask me? And they all think I'm just there to hang out. I don't do any work- Eytan does all the "computer" work. That's obviously not true, but they'll never believe it. And that's fine. I'm not going to make an effort defending myself since they'll never listen. I've tried, it doesn't work. So I'm just sick of working in an environment where I do everything for everyone and no one does anything for me and treats me like I'm some stupid kid (I want to ask John how old I have to be before I'm not a kid anymore? Eytan and I are basically the same age and he's not a kid.)who doesn't really do anything important. Mike even told me that I had to stay in the viewing room (even though I was in the middle of answering a phone call and no one else was available to answer the phone) at one point since it was busy. When I asked where Eytan went (since he was there a minute before), Mike looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Eytan can't stay in here, he has to do important things- Eytan should not be lot viewing." I've reached my limit!!

I have a feeling Paula will go back but will not be happy and will be even quicker to snap now. And Harvey will be the same- wanting to improve but can't. And the staff will be just as pissy, continute threatening to quit, and lying about all the terrible things that they have to put up with (like saying they didn't have a vacation even though they did). I hate this!

When I called RCN yesterday morning, the tech support guy was completely unhelpful. So I called back at night and the guy was great! Always call tech support at night! I guess if someone is going to work tech support at 1:00 in the morning, the person must be really into tech stuff, so they'll know what they're doing and that's when you'll get the best help. So I got a "trouble ticket"- which means the people in the network centre will have to check things on their end and if they can't fix the problem, they'll have to send someone out here. From what I understand (I don't know exactly how cable service works), there's something blocking the line and causing interference which causes me to lose information (about 10%, which is bad). So far my connection seems fine today. I'm supposed to call them later today to see what's going on and see if they need to send someone out here. I'm assuming, from the way it's working now, the problem was somewhere on their end (a network problem) and it's now fixed.

I need to head up to school early today to sign up for the math workshop. As I was about to leave for the train station on Thursday, I remembered that I didn't call the math workshop woman. So I called her and actually got through quickly. She told me I should be able to start the workshop where I left off, I could definitely finish it this semester, and I should come by to sign up for my hours. I hope I can start soon- I want to get this over with and be able to finish it before December (but it'll probably take me forever since I don't know what I'm doing anyway and it'll just be getting more and more complicated).

I went to sign up for the math workshop yesterday and the woman there couldn't help me- she told me to read a piece of paper on her desk- it said how to go to the orientation. I told her I already did the orientation and I just needed to sign up for hours. She told me I had to talk to Ms. Karapides and she wasn't there. I told her Ms. Karapides told me to come in this week and to just sign up for hours. She told me to talk to Ms. Karapides and she wasn't there. So I called Ms. Karapides this afternoon and was told she was in an orientation and she would be finished at 5:00. This was at 3:00- when I did the orientation, it lasted 20 minutes. I think I'll call back in a few minutes and see if she's available yet. I need to leave at 5:00. I'm going to see "Eat the Runt" tonight and want to go to O'Lunny's for dinner first.

Brian got his tickets for the Jon Stewart show and he can't go so he's giving them to me. They're for this coming Monday. Of course I have school but I figured I could miss this one day. Well, the Cultural Anthropology is cancelled since the instructor can't be there so I'll only be missing the music class (the more important one). I'm going to call Marcell to see if she wants to go to the Jon Stewart show with me. I'm sure she won't want to go, but I don't know who else to ask. I guess I'll go alone if she doesn't want to go.

I don't know if I mentioned this yet or not, but I got a ticket for "Noises Off" when it opens in October!! Can't wait!!! There are some great shows going on this fall- "Noises Off", "Thou Shalt Not", "Urinetown", a bunch of Ionesco sutff, "Reefer Madness"...

Red Sox need help! Duquette is an idiot! I feel bad for the team! Getting rid of Jimmy Williams and Cumberland? Hello? And who's this Kerrigan guy? He's never managed pro baseball before and he's making a mess! If this situation keeps up, no one will want to play there and the team will fall as hard as Baltimore fell. So much for them making the play-offs this year.

I think I've decided to vote for Bloomberg in the primaries next week. He basically seems better than the other candidates and seems to want to continue where Guiliani left off. Education is the biggest issue this election and I don't like any of their ideas, except for perhaps the libertarian candidate, Kramer- he wants to have something like the Milwalkee system (and separate school and state). And I like Kramer's views on drug laws. I'm not sure about his economic ideas though.

I've been having weird dreams. Two nights ago, I was in a house with the members of Jethro Tull and I had a video camera/digital still camera. I kept trying to get pictures of them but was too busy having fun to remember to take pictures. Then when I remembered, I couldn't get it set up in time and they all went off in all directions. Last night I was in a HUGE house for some kind of party. I was trying to move a matress into Eytan's room and Paula was going to help me. I got caught up talking to people (an attractive older man and an older woman who told me she loved New York and was up there all the time so I told her to give me a call the next time she was in town), and when I found Paula, she had moved the bed in herself. I was supposed to be taking care of someone's baby, checked in and the baby was asleep in another room, so I figured it was okay to go to sleep myself. The room was small and the bed was in between all of Eytan's animals- 2 birds (which he really has) and a rabbit (which he doesn't have- at least not the last time I checked). The animals were vicious and were trying to bite me, so I had to get out of bed. Then I woke up.

Last night I went to O'Lunney's for dinner but wasn't really hungry and barely ate anything. "Eat the Runt" was fun as usual but once again, Jama played Merritt. I REALLY want to see someone else in that role. At least most of the other actors played different characters. Guess I'll have to go again. Last night 2 other people came close to getting Merritt. When I look at the boards outside saying who played whom, Jama doesn't get Merritt all the time (she does get it a lot though). Why can't I go on a night where the audience doesn't pick her? I mean, she's great, but I'm sure the other actors are good too. Last night the roles of Hollis and Royce were played by actors I hadn't seen in those roles before. It was confusing- I kept wondering in the group scenes what they were doing- as if they should have been in their "regular" roles (the roles I was used to seeing them in). I didn't like Linda as Hollis. I think I'd like to see either Curtis or Kelly. This is the cast I would most like to see:
Chris- Linda
Merritt 1- Thom
Royce- Curtis
Pinky- Keisha
Jean- LaKeith
Hollis- Kelly
Sydney- Jama
Merritt 2- Weil
Will I keep coming back until I see this combination? No. I will settle for just seeing Jama in another role and seeing a man play Merritt 1

I don't know if I'll get my 20 American partners by the end of the month. Hilton and Hertz haven't posted my miles to my Aadvantage account and even if they do, I'll still have 4 more partners to use before I get my miles. And if my American Eagle flight at the end of the month doesn't get posted until too late... And if the cereal coupons that I mail doesn't get posted until too late... Oh well, I'll still try. Think I might have to order some flowers for someone. If someone emails me before Sunday and gives me agood reason why I should give them flowers, I will do it. If not, I will have to think of something else- everyone I know is out of town.

I was thinking about going to see a show tonight. There are several listed that sound interesting. But it's Friday- my stay-at-home-and-relax night. I have a few books that I want to read. Yeah, I'll just stay home and read.

Tomorrow Paula and Harvey are coming up for Howard's daughter's wedding. I was thinking about going to Bloomingdales tomorrow afternoon just to look around and see if there's a good deal on anything. I've been wanting to get a leather jacket recently- I'm sure I won't find a good deal at Bloomies- maybe I'll find one somewhere else. There's also a glass exhibit at the Cooper Hewitt that I wanted to check out and an Old Postcards exhibit at the Museum of the City of New York that sounded interesting and a record/poster/memorabilia thing on the Upper West Side that I want to check out as well. Plus I want to go over to the Waldorf on Sautrday night to see the wedding reception. I wasn't invited but it's a public place... I'll meet Paula in the lobby and she'll take me to where the reception is- I just want to see what kinds of people are there- just look in and then leave.

Today I have a ton of mail to deal with that's been piling up. I'll call Paula (she told me to call her at 3:00), call Ms. Karapides, go through the mail, mail the bills, and then go get a few boxes of cereal (so I can have cereal while I read- I love that).

Right now I have 2 odd musical selections in my head- Don Giovanni and Good King Wenceslas.

My Internet connection is still screwy! I called RCN and when finally got through, they told me the problem was fixed. I told them it wasn't. I called again last night and the guy told me he would issue another trouble ticket and make the network people do something this time. Then he changed his mind, "took some stuff off", and said it should be working better. If I still had problems, to call back and they would issue another trouble ticket. Well, I'm still having problems. The connection is dropped for a minute or two several times a day and all day long it is running slowly so web pages either don't load or time out. I guess I should go call them now to see if they'll issue another trouble ticket. After that, I'll go read "The Broke Diaries" for a little while before bed.

Oh one more thing- while I was waiting for my carry-out this afternoon, I was watching the US Open on the TV at the bar. I got to see the last match between Venus Williams and Jennifer Capriati. Now I almost want to watch tomorrow to see the first Grand Slam championship between sisters (Venus and Serena) in 117 years. I can't believe how young (20 and 21) they are. I don't know why I know all the names of these tennis people. I never watch tennis. It was fun watching today though. Maybe I will tune in again.

Oops, one more thing. I completely forgot to go through the HUGE pile of mail sitting on the chair. Guess it'll have to wait till tomorrow night or Sunday. I don't feel like dealing with it now. I want to read.

After waiting FOREVER for the N train (I had just missed one since people wouldn't get out of my way), I came home- dizzy and with a bit of a headache. I helped Paula figure out what to wear for the wedding (she brought a few posibilities) and then took a picture of them before they left (they looked cute).

I tried to find the wedding at the Waldorf since I wanted to see what everyone else was wearing and if Paula blended in or stood out, but after a couple of tries (there were at least 4 events going on at the hotel), I gave up and had a drink at the bar and watched a bit of the Williams sisters tennis match (Venus is obviously the better of the two). Then I didn't feel like going home, so I stopped in at the Monkey Bar on 54th and had another drink. I left just before the piano bar got started (the fun part, right?). Why? I don't know- just felt like leaving, I guess.

Now I'm home and can't wait for Paula and Harvey to get back so I can hear about their evening.

Tomorrow's plans- go through the mail and browse Bloomies (and probably stop in Express across the street as well).

I haven't gotten the Jon Stewart tickets yet that Brian mailed me. If they don't come tomorrow, I guess I can't go. And since I don't have Anthropology, it'll be REALLY hard to make myself head up there just for music. Maybe I'll go in the late afternoon for the math workshop, find a movie nearby to see after math, and then go to the music class. That sounds like a plan.

I'm still having issues with my Internet connection. I should call RCN soon- I don't feel like calling tonight, I'll do it tomorrow night.

Earlier this morning, I had "Round and Round" from "The Fantasticks" in my head. Oh wow, I meant to mention this before- I can't believe "The Fantasticks" is finally closing! For real! I really should go see it in it's proper space before it closes in January. I wonder if it'll be selling out every night now that they announced their closing.

I woke up singing "Shuffle off to Bufalo" from "42nd Street" and then later got "Cell Block Tango" from "Chicago" in my head.

I was sure when the Padres beat the Diamondbacks the other night, it would not happen again last night- especially with Randy Johnson pitching. But sure enough, the Padres did win- which meant Hoffman got me another save for my fantasy team! He's had 36 saves out of 38 chances- go Hoffman!

Football season starts today!!!!! Go Patriots!!!

Paula and Harvey left this morning. I hope Harvey is okay driving. They got back last night at midnight, he woke up at 6:30 to drive somewhere north for work, then came back here to pick up Paula for their drive home. Tomorrow they get on a plane for London and eventually wind up in Hong Kong. I hope he can keep up with this lifestyle- it's exhausting. I know, I worry too much.

Beck's, "Nobody's Fault But My Own" sounds very Pink Floyd/Beatles (Pink Floyd arrangement and Beatles instrumentation). In fact, this whole album is like that (especially the hidden track at the end). I like it.

I can't upload this entry right now since I'm still having issues. I'm sure it's RCN's fault. I might get irritated enough to call them this afternoon rather than wait until tonight. If the person I talk to this afternoon doesn't know what to do, I'll call back tonight.

I know I said I was going to go to Bloomies, but I don't really feel like going today. Maybe some other time this week...

Today I think I'll finish "The Broke Diaries" and then watch some football and read The Times and maybe watch a movie or start on another book. That's what Sundays are for. It is Sunday, right? It doesn't really quite feel like it.

I was thinking of checking out the HBO movie "Band of Brother's tonight. If it sucks, I'll go start another book.

Wow! Not only did San Francisco not let Altanta win easily, they didn't let them win at all- Final in OT- San Francisco 16, Altanta 13.

I was on hold with RCN last night for 45 minutes!! "Due to the high volume of calls..." Why can't they just say, "Due to the fact that it's late on a Sunday night and no one should be calling at that hour, we here at tech support went out for a few drinks. When you call at a normal hour like normal people, we will be back at our desks and will get to your call in the order it was received." So, I guess I'll be calling back tonight as I am still having the same problems.

In a few minutes, I will go see if the mail has come and see if the Jon Stewart tickets Brian sent me are there. If not, I will head up to school, see if they have the CDs for the music book at the school bookstore since they don't have it at Barnes and Noble and I can't find it anywhere online, do the Math workshop, get a bite to eat somewhere (probably a muffin at Starbucks since there isn't much else in the area) and then go to my music class.

I just realised that I will have to leave around 7:30 to get downtown for jury duty on Wednesday. That means I'll have to wake up around 6:30. That's early. I haven't had to get up that early in a while (I think the last time was when I was in Baltimore a month ago).

Blessed Union of Souls', "Oh Virginia" still gets to me. It brings back such happy memories of driving around the New River Valley, hanging out with Eytan and Terry, rehearsing for "House of Frankenstein", going to Mill Mountain and El Rodeo and Revco and Macados...

Okay, time to go check the mail...

The other day when I was over on the Upper West Side, I happened to walk by their Fliks store. I stopped in just to see if they had "!776". I know it's a bad movie, but I still want to see it. They did have it and I asked if they could send it to my east side location. They did. I think I'll go pick it up tomorrow after I go vote. Maybe if I watch it tomorrow night, it'll be so bad that it puts me to sleep and I'll get enough sleep before having to wake up at 6:30 for jury duty.

If I am going to go to my music class, I should leave in about an hour so I can stop by the bookstore first to see if they have copies of the CDs I need. I'm sure they won't have any left. And that's fine with me- I heard that they cost $80!!! That's a bit high in my opinion for a set of 3 CDs. I can look online to see if I can find any MP3s of the selections we're supposed to listen to. I wonder how well we have to know the pieces. Most of them I've heard before but I'm sure I don't know them well enough.

My usual day involves waking up, checking my email, checking the news, and then going about my day. Today I woke up, checked my email, and thought it was strange that I got 4 personal emails. That's how I learned the news (from Andy, Neil, Rebecca and Brie). I'm still a little bit in shock. I'm supposed to have jury duty tomorrow right near the World Trade Center. I keep telling myself how lucky I am that jury duty wasn't today. I doubt I'll be going tomorrow. When the World Trade Center was bombed in '93, I had just left the area 20 minutes before it happened. I'm a VERY lucky person!

I managed to get a hold of my parents in London to let them know I was okay. They will be staying in London for a few days instead of flying to Hong Kong. I will call them later to find out their plans. Of course all the phone lines are busy so it takes several times to call out. I'm so thankful that they flew out yesterday and Neil, Maxine, and Abby arrived home yesterday as well.

Looking outside my window, it looks like a normal day- lots of people walking around. Looking at the TV is very different. Downtown Mahattan is a disaster. Tragedy does make a city bond- everyone is calm and helping each other and people are lining up outside the hospitals to donate blood. What is SICK is watching the arabs on the West Bank dancing around and chanting, "God is good." I don't think I can write anything else about this. I'm still taking it all in. I will be watching the news and reading news websites for the rest of the day.

Marcell called me back. She told me she was working downtown today (something she never does) and saw it happen. Being the dramatic person that she is, I got a nice dramatic version of the story.

For the Harbour Sale at the end of the month, I'm supposed to take an American Airlines flight to Baltimore. I know we have to move on and continue with our lives, but I think I might try to see if I can cancel the flight and just rent a car instead (I was going to rent a car when I got there, anyway, so this way I'll save the cost of the flight).

I know a few people who work at the Pentagon and I have no idea how to find out if they're okay. I don't know their phone numbers or email addresses. I could get their phone numbers if I really wanted to, but I think I'll leave the phone lines open. I'll just have to hope that they are fine.

I'm not going to jury duty tomorrow. Hopefully I can call them tomorrow during the day and find out what to do. If they don't answer the phones tomorrow, I'll just keep trying until they do.

I checked Hunter's web site twice today. The first time they said there would be an announcement later about whether the would be open tomorrow. So I checked later and they said there would be classes tomorrow. So I can watch TV until around 2:30 tomorrow afternoon. I still can't seem to tear myself away from the TV. Although, I don't know how long I'll be able to listen to the President speak tonight. I can only listen to him for a few minutes without getting irritated by his voice.

Okay, I just sent off a few emails to some people in my address book.

I feel like if I stop watching the news, the problem will go away in my mind and it shouldn't go away. I need to stop watching though. Time to turn off the TV and do something else. I've been watching for almost 12 hours on and off (mostly on). Okay, I'll put on a movie or something (preferably one without anything blowing up). I'll put the news back on tomorrow morning.

And I think I'm going to forget about the Math workshop tomorrow. I'd rather stay home and keep up with the news. I just can't face Math right now. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I will go to classes though. I'd like to talk to other New Yorkers to hear their stories (which I know they will have).

I turned on a movie "The Five Senses". It seems like an interesting movie, but I just can't get into it. I want to finish "watching" it (I'm not really watching- more like just having it on as background) and as soon as it's over, I'll put the news back on. I have never watched the news for this long. Not during the Gulf War, not when the Challenger exploded, and not during this past election fiasco.

I still find it almost impossible that those famous twin towers are really gone. Now there's just the Empire State Building as a landmark when flying into New York. I wonder what will happen with the space. Will they rebuild it exactly or will they do something else?

I just realised I haven't eaten all day. I think I'm a little hungry. All I have is a bagel and some cereal. Guess I'll be eating the bagel- don't feel like going out to get anything. I'll go out tomorrow.

I just put the news back on. They're discussing what is open and what is still closed. Public transit is mostly running, bridges are going outbound only. Now a firefighter is discussing his 12 hours of mess. Okay, I'll watch this for a while, email Daniel back, eat my bagel, and then try to go to sleep. I want to get up early to see what's new.

I just heard the latest from the Pentagon- 800 definitely killed. Will they have a list? It's mostly military and I think my friends are civilians (I'm really not sure what they did though since they weren't allowed to talk about it).

Now there was a truck on the GW Bridge with explosives? Thank goodness they were stopped! I'm really scared right now. I don't think this mess is over. There was a bomb threat in Malaysia and the building was evacuated. I don't think I'll be turning off the news yet.

CNN just had new footage of the second plane crash into the WTC. It showed it from the side that the plane hit and that was seriously the most terrifying thing I've seen EVER! It really looked like something out of a movie. And the screaming on the tape just added to the horror.

Okay, now Hunter is closed because of "transportation issues". I guess CUNY finally got the message that Guiliani really doesn't want people coming into the city unless the absolutely have to.

I'm watching footage from Logan right now and there are all these people on cell phones waving at the camera. It's so strange to see a lot of people on camera seemingly uneffected by the tragedy. They wave, try to look cute, and act stupid for the news camera. Why???

And what amazes me is that terrorist attacks don't happen more often. How can you stop people that don't have any morals and don't care if they live or die? And it's amazing just how many sick people there are in this world. And how much hatred. And I'm really too tired to go off on an intelligent rant here. Maybe there just aren't words to express any of our feelings that won't sound simple or trite. But just to not end up on a negative note- it's wonderful to see people bonding together. We are a strong nation if we need to be- and we need to be! I just hope people continue to act rationally and not with their emotions.

Marcell called me again to make sure I was okay and to see if I wanted to come over there. She didn't want to go further away than two blocks but she said if I didn't feel safe where I was, I was welcome at her place. I thanked her but told her I was fine.

I've been spending time not only at news websites, but other journal websites from people in New York. I still can't seem to do anything not related to these events.

Still haven't heard from Kathy. I called Bob and Pam but of course only have their home number and got their machine. I'll wait until this evening to give them a call.

Random bits:
- I find it interesting how we're learning about how television coverage works- where they need to set up the shots, to how the anchor learns what to say next... It's great, these people in the media are so concerned with the situation, they are not thinking about following the "rules of media" 100%- another great observation of that- they did not censor the audio feed, you could hear people screaming "shit" on the footage.
- My current fear is attacks against Arabs (mainly in the US). There is enough tragedy here, we do not need people making it worse by attacking innocent people.
- MSNBC's website has, of course, the main article on the tragedy and the banner ad is for Expedia- that's horrible, to have an ad for air travel today. People DO NOT want to be thinking about great air fares right now.
- While there aren't many, there are definitely more vehicles on the streets near me than I would have expected. They are not letting vehicles into Manhattan. These vehicles were not on the road yesterday. Why are people driving around Manhattan?
- In about 10 hours I hear from Paula and Harvey. I can't wait!!!
- The kids on my floor (they were away for the end of the summer, which was nice) are screaming and crying as usual. At least now they have a reason to be crying and screaming.
- I actually prefer being in New York right not to being in Phoenix. I don't need to be around Phoenix idiots who don't understand the situation. Right now, I'm proud to be a New Yorker!
- I've never seen John Ashcroft speak before. He's not very good at public speaking- he reads, looks up for a second, forgets what he was saying, looks back at his paper and loses his place so it takes him a second to get back on track.

Wow- more news- there were 3 other men who tried to get on a plane to LA, got in a fight with the crew, crew had to get the Port Authority police to intervene, but by then the 3 men had vanished. So, there were other targets. This beyond terrifying! How many other men are out there wandering around our streets? They had better be 110% positive that this situation is over before they allow air travel to resume. And find these men!!! Who knows what else will do now that their original plan was stopped.

Lower Manhattan, with the smoke clearing, shows its new skyline. It REALLY looks different! It makes the city look so small. Well, we are NOT small! We are big and strong!

They're now showing residents waiting to get back in their apartments. I think they will be waiting a long time. They might as well go back to where they stayed last night. And we're still hearing positive stories about New Yorkers helping each other- there's some restaurant down there that is offering free food to anyone who needs it (volunteers, residents, etc.).

5:30 PM
Here's an easy way to donate to the Red Cross.

Watching the ongoing destruction of downtown Manhattan is devestating. South Tower finished collapsing and One Liberty Plaza is in a partial collapse. More people running from the buildings. And it's not over.

I got an email earlier today about participating in a focus group to discuss this tragedy. I hope I get chosen- I would love to voice my opinions. I think there needs to be someone in the group with a rational, informed voice.

I checked to see what time Paula and Harvey's flight left. It left 45 minutes late. So I should hear from them between 1:30 and 2:00 AM. I'd better not be so tired that I sleep through the phone ringing.

Okay, I called Bob and Pam and got their machine. Guess I'll try again tomorrow.

There aren't any movies on TV so I got stuck back on NBC. One more thing before I go grab a video off the shelf- they need to figure out when the stock market will open. It looks bad to not be able to pick a time to open the markets- Thursday, Friday, Monday... make up your mind. We don't want to look like this attack completely brought us down and into a state of confusion. Then the terrorists will see how well it worked and be quicker try it again.

I talked to Jon tonight for a few minutes too. It was good to talk to him. He seems to be either in denial or just not able to handle much of this. He doesn't want to watch the news and doesn't want to really know what's going on. I think it's worse not knowing. Everyone's different.

Rebecca called me earlier to tell me that if I wanted to come to Boston this weekend I was welcome. I'm thinking it might be a good idea. I'd be around friends and out of the city for a little while and I have no reason to be here right now. So I will wait for Paula and Harvey to call, get some sleep, check the news when I wake up, and then make the decision. I'd like to rent a car and drive up but I don't know how hard that would be. I'll figure it out tomorrow when hopefully I'm a little more rested than I am now. About 30 minutes ago, I started getting a little loopy- mostly because of the idea of being around friends sounded REALLY GOOD! I'll get some sleep and see how it all sounds after that.

I talked to Paula at 3:00 AM. They arrived safely and are now trying to get right into business. They seemed more concerned with ironing their clothes than listening to my news updates. I can't understand that. I guess being overseas makes them so removed that it doesn't feel as real. I tried to asked her about it but she didn't understand me and was in a hurry to get ready for dinner with her client. She said she would call me this evening.

Last night my doorbell rang. It was a young couple who came to the wrong apartment. That was so strange. I almost wanted to invite them in just to have some company, but I realised they were looking for someone else for a reason- they wouldn't want to come in a stranger's apartment and hang out.

I might go down to Union Square today to be among grieving peacemakers. From watching them on TV, they seem like a strong group of people. Then again, maybe I shouldn't go. The air is not healthy to breathe and I'm still coughing from an almost-cold I got at the end of Balpex. Okay, I won't go. I'll stay home, exchange emails with people, maybe talk to people on the phone, chat with people online, and watch the news.

I was reading more entries from last year and on September 14, I wrote that I was talking to Paula about why countries go to war and she mentioned a quote from Thomas Friendman: "No two countries that have a McDonalds have ever been to war with each other." I checked the McDonalds website and learned that Afghanistan does not have a McDonalds. I find it strange that exactly a year ago I talked about war and found the article on terrorists. These are subjects I think about so rarely.

Last night I saw footage of people cheering rescue trucks and even Con Edison trucks (the only time Con Ed trucks will ever get applauded in NYC).

I'm now getting email from people I don't even know, making sure I'm okay (a guy who found me through ESPN's website where I have fanasy teams). This is amazing to me- how people of this country are caring about other people that they don't even know. So not only am I proud to be a New Yorker, I'm proud to be an American right now. Wow, I never thought I'd say that.

Okay, once again, I have nothing to eat. Why don't I just go food shopping? I don't know- I probably should but just can't seem to go do that now. I guess I'll head over to the deli.

Midtown Manhattan looks almost back to normal- cars on the street honking, people rushing down the street and pushing past other people, the smell is virtually non-existent up here... It made me uncomfortable to see it like this. I did see one woman wearing a little American flag in her hair and there are still police on the corners though- that made it feel not quite normal.

I just started feeling really strage- hyper, exhausted, dizzy... I'm assuming it will go away shortly, but right now I think I need to lie down.

Okay, I feel better.

Thoughts that keep going through my head fluctuate between going back to normal life (yes, a horrible thing happened, but we must move on) and staying tuned into the news and learning everything I can (they are still having 24 hour coverage and not everyone is going back to daily life, so we must be supposed to not go back to daily life yet). And in a tiny way I feel like we are overreacting slightly. I know that sounds horrible- I just mean, horrible things happen everywhere. Israel has been dealing with a horrible way of life for some time now and they all manage to live their daily lives. But I realise that not much time has passed since the attack. And until things are certain with the decision of what the country will do, maybe we shouldn't live our daily lives. And I wish I fully understood world politics and current issues. There is so much I don't know. Sometimes I think I can't turn off the news and sometimes I think I should go out and see a movie or something (a lot of New Yorkers have been doing that). I don't think I want to go see a movie by myself though. Which leads me back to the idea of going up to Boston. But I like the idea of staying put more. I will stay put until my thoughts start to stay consistent.

I just heard from Kathy and she hasn't heard any news of anyone she knows at the Pentagon have been hurt. I'm relieved. I still should get a hold of Bob and Pam. I'll try this evening.

I was thinking about going out to Pig n' Wistle tonight but don't feel like going out now. I should have gone at 5:00 or 6:00 when I felt like going. I'll probably go tomorrow. I really should be around other people right now.

I'm less tired right now but don't know what else to do. Perhaps I'll try a movie again- maybe this time I can actually get into it.

Paula called about an hour ago. There business is going well which is of course nice to hear. I told them what Maxine said about them not flying until after the Jewish holidays and she said she will definitely pay attention to what they are saying about that and take it into consideration.

I'm still amazed at how quickly this investigation is going. There is so much evidence, it seems too good to be true.

Okay, time to go see if there are any good movies on TV and if not, try to pick a good on off the shelf.

I haven't managed to do anything else tonight. I talked to Rebecca for a few minutes (he brother and brother are having unrelated personal problems) and she'll probably call later. And now I'm IMing Josh. And my TV is still on so I can pay attention to the latest news.

News from Manilla- hotel raided. That's close to Hong Kong. Well, not really, but close enough for me to be worry.

Glad to hear Pakistan leaders are willing to help the US.

Getting tired and dizzy again. Think I'll lie down for a few minutes.

Okay, feeling a little better.

I don't think the airport security is working yet. JFK and LaGuardia have had people who have been arrested. Harvey had tweezers in his carry-on from London to Hong Kong and they questioned him about them and then let him take it on even though they stopped the people in front of him and wouldn't let them take a nail file. They shouldn't have let Harvey take the tweezers.

Chandra told me on Tuesday that she was coming up to New York. I told her they weren't letting people into the city and she eventually accepted that. I don't think she fully understands what's going on. Now Josh tells me she still wants to come up and will probably do that in a few weeks. For some reason, I feel that there will be a reason she won't come. But if she does, I will open my apartment to her, definitely.

I've realised I must have songs go through my head all the time since my mind needs to do 4 things at once. Since Tuesday, I have not had any songs in my head. I guess watching TV, checking web sites, and sending email all at once is enough to occupy my brain.

I plan on volunteering to deliver food and water tomorrow so I won't be updating this as often as I have been.

And I wanted to thank everyone for the kind words. When I get messages and emails from people I don't even know, it makes me feel so good. It's very touching.

I've been going back and forth with emotions too. I don't have strong emotions and then I start to feel bad about that so I force myself to be emotional. Then that doesn't feel right so I go back to not caring as much as I feel I should. Now I don't remember how I really feel, if I feel anything at all.

Something related to that- I've never been good at telling people I love them- not even my parents. I'm not sure I understand what love really is (but that's a whole other issue), so I've always felt strange saying it. I've told two people recently that I love them (Rebecca on the phone and Andy in an email). Am I forcing those emotions? Do I mean it? I don't know. I can't really dwell on it right now. I think I'm just worn out and just saying things I wouldn't normally say.

Rebecca called about 30 minutes ago. I talked to her for a few minutes and then told her go to sleep- she was exhausted.

I'm sort of waiting for Paula to call- she said she would try to call during a lunch break. I'm wondering if she'll be able to call though. She said if she couldn't call during a lunch break, she would call at the end of the work day and before she had dinner (which would be between 6:00 and 6:05 AM East Coast Time- 6:00 and 6:05 PM Hong Kong time). So it's 1:00 AM now and I'm not tired enough to fall asleep. I'm exhausted but not sleepy. If I don't fall asleep for a little while, I certainly won't get much sleep if Paula calls at 6:00.

They are showing the start of a thunderstorm on TV now. I'm SO GLAD that was on right now- there was just the loudest clap of thunder I have ever heard outside my window. If I didn't know of the start of this storm, it would have scared me much more than it did. It was still scary. It was REALLY loud!!!!!!! Then a car alarm started going off, adding to the scary noises. Then a car started honking. WHY do they have to honk now?!? The streets are so quiet.

Okay, I'm going to try to get some sleep now.

I realised what's happening to all the bread in midtown- it's all going to make sandwiches for the rescue workers.

I'm disgusted (that's not even a strong enough word) to hear about the telemarketing scams, trying to get people to make donations and the thieves posing as victims/volunteers.

I'm still probably going to go to Pig n' Whistle this evening to see who's there and see what the atmosphere is. But I'll have to go out earlier than that to get some lunch again. Think I'll just pick up some soup or something- I won't take any more bread alternatives so they can use them for the volunteers and rescue workers. In fact, I'm hungry now so I'll go out (I think the rain has stopped now) and see what I can find for lunch.

I'm trying too. I just turned off the TV for the first time since Tuesday morning. I mean, I haven't been watching constantly, but it's always been on. Now it's off. I also bought a $45 balcony ticket for "The Producers" for Tuesday night (I thought a close up seat in the balcony sounded better than a far back seat in he mezzanine). People are cancelling like crazy so I figured I would take advantage of that. There, something positive. I wound up finding out about the availability when I tried to see what shows were available for tomorrow matinee. I thought being at a theatre tomorrow afternoon sounded like a good place to be. I'd really like to see "Music Man". I'm going to try to get to bed early tonight so I can wake up early and go to TKTS. I want to see a matinee since I don't want to walk home alone at night (I could take a bus part of the way though). I don't want to ride the subway right now and since other people are feeling the same way, it will be even more difficult to get a taxi out of Times Square on a Saturday night after the shows let out. So a matinee sounds perfect. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to wake up, I'm just not sure I'll be able to leave the apartment if breaking news is happening.

I'm going to go call Paula, talk to her for a few minutes, and then try to fall asleep.

Now I'm feeling a little better (didn't like the end of the dream). In a little while, I will head over to Times Square and look at the TKTS board. If Music Man isn't available, I will find something else. I just think it would best to be in a theatre right now and wait in line with other people who feel the same.

Now I'm listening to "Tick Tick Boom"- I just got the CD in the mail today (and a lot of other mail too that I have to deal with at some point). This is the first time I've listened to music since Tuesday morning. What a perfect album to listen to- it's so beautiful! I'm so glad it arrived! I don't know what I'd listen to if this wasn't here. It helps to listen to an album which I've never heard but still know the music to- this is really perfect. And I love that they included the lyrics in the CD booklet. And I REALLY love that they included a bonus song sung by Jonathan Larson.

Yesterday I felt semi-ready to get back to regular life. Today I feel sure I am. Tonight I will relax and watch a movie (and I'm sure I'll be able to concentrate on it). Tomorrow I'll go through the mail and clean the apartment (it's a mess). Monday I will call the County court to see what to do about jury duty and go to the bank to deposit the few checks I received this past week. Tuesday I'll start seeing about work. Life goes on.

I got emails this morning from Judith (the woman from Scotland who came to the Yes show Josh and I went to) and from Jo-Anne (from my trip to Spain/Portugal/Morocco this summer). I think later tonight I will send a mass email to all the people on that trip to let them know I'm okay.

Just had a thought- I know what movie I'll rent tonight. Last week I got the Upper West Side Fliks Video to send their copy of "1776" to the East Side location. I'll walk over there to see if they do indeed have it. More patriotism sounds good right now (even if it's a really bad movie). And I should pick up some dinner on the way back. One of these days I'll go food shopping.

Oh, since there was no line at TKTS, I had a lot of spare time before "Music Man" (wish I knew earlier about the rec.arts.theatre.musicals brunch today- I could have stopped by there for a few minutes to meet some of them), I went to O'Lunney's for a drink. There was an iron worker from Phili sitting at the bar next to me. I tried to talk to him a little, but he seemed tired and left shortly after I got there.

The city buses have flags in their windows and the bus driver on the way home was wearing a flag. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could be this polite and patriotic and friendly and caring all the time?

Dream last night- first I was at an airport (I think it was supposed to be the Hong Kong airport but it didn't look like it at all- it looked more like National Airport) with Harvey. We kept walking around and around looking for something, stopping to find things to eat on the way (like fried dough with chocolate- the Spanish fiesta favourite). There were fast moving walkways and slow moving walkways and it got confusing which was which. Then I was on some field trip and had to use a public bathroom- it was one of the more dirty disgusting ones. Then I was hanging out with Robert Sean Leonard (don't remember this part though). I woke up thinking Robert Sean Leonard was somewhere close by.

I watched "Naked in New York" last night. It was okay, I guess. A little too simple and at the same time over-dramatic, but perhaps that's what I needed last night. There was a brief shot of the World Trade Center at the end. I paused it at that point to look and remember.

Today I'm really going to try to do the mundane things- shower, mail, and cleaning.

I called Telecharge since I read that "Thou Shalt Not" was postponing their opening to September 27 (I have a ticket for the 20th). I will be out of town on the 27th. The woman I talked to had no information on the postponement and told me to call back the day before. I think I'll call back tomorrow and see if they have the new information. I should also see if "Reefer Madness" will be back to a normal schedule on the 25th (I have a ticket for that date).

I meant to mention this yesterday. I was sitting next to a young girl at "Music Man". At the final curtain call, the children in the cast were sitting at the edge of the stage (VERY close to us). I guess the girl next to me said something to the girl playing Amaryllis, maybe a "good job" or something like that. Amaryllis mouthed, "Thank you". It was really amazing to sit that close to the stage. It felt like I was REALLY a part of it. It was the perfect seat at the perfect show. Thank you cast of "Music Man".

Just learned that Tori Amos has a new album coming out- "Strange Little Girls". I used to always know when my favourite artists had a new album in the works. I don't anymore. Why not? How did I used to pay attention before? Anyway, I should check it out at some point.

I took a shower and went through the mail. I want to clean the apartment, but I'm not quite ready yet. Instead, I think I'll search for more websites from people in New York that have been keeping journals this week. I have found a few- Andy's Chest, UltraSparky, and Badboybilly plus have been reading the ones of people I have read occasionally in the past- Catherine and arkham13.

Someone at rec.arts.theatre.musicals posted this article today.

I'm not feeling as good today as I was over the weekend. I'm not quite sure why though. I just feel upset and scared about everything in general, I guess. But why today and not yesterday? Maybe because it's a weekday so more things are happening in the world- stock market opened (and is actually doing better than anticipated but still not wonderful), people are going back to work... Does that reason make any sense? No, probably not, but that's just the way I'm feeling right now. Perhaps I'll feel better tonight. I don't know.

Marcell called a little while ago. She walked all over the city Saturday trying to volunteer but got turned away everywhere. Today she's going to try to make a food donation. I'm sure she'll be turned away from that as well. I checked online about all the volunteer and donation centres and none of them are accepting anything right now. I suppose that's a good thing- they have so much help, they don't need anymore. I donated more money today to NY Cares. It made me feel a little better. Since I can't do anything physically, I can at least offer financial support (every dollar counts, right?).

I just saw on the news that people want Giuliani to stay on as mayor during this crisis. I think that's a wonderful idea- no sense having a new staff to confuse things even more. Peter Vallone said that he supported the idea to have Giuliani stay. If not that, he thinks the election should be postponed- the 25th is too soon. And if he does get elected, he will try to keep on as many of Giuliani's people as possible.

Many people are finding my website by doing a search for the World Trade Center. Since Google's robot hasn't crawled my latest month yet, most people are finding my June and July pages since I wrote about the World Trade Center during those months.

I really need to clean the apartment but I don't feel like it right now. I think if I don't do that by tonight, I will force myself to do it tomorrow morning.

I have been trying to call about jury duty all day but just get busy signals. I looked at their website and they had a message about jury duty but it was too confusing to understand. They have an email address, maybe I'll write to them and ask what I should do. Maybe they'll get back to me one day.

I also should call Telecharge to see if they have any new information on "Thou Shalt Not".

And at the end of the week (maybe things will be a little calmer by then), I'll call American to cancel my flight. I don't care if I can't get a refund. Maybe they'll at least give me a voucher. It'll probably depend on who answers the phone.

I talked to Eytan today and asked if he really needed me for the Harbour Sale. He wound up saying no. So now I won't need to figure out how I'm getting down there. I wouldn't mind renting a car, but I've been hearing horror stories about renting a car in Manhattan. I'm sure it'll be better by next week, but I don't care. It just seems easier to not drive. I could take the train but I don't want to be in that chaos right now. I'm sure it'll be packed with people who don't want to fly. I'd only be able to help Friday and Saturday anyway. It doesn't seem worth it.

Last night I went to Fliks to see if they had "1776" in. They said that it was out at the other location so they didn't have it yet. I didn't ask when they thought they would get it if they would get it at all or if I had to request it again. I just didn't care that much. So rather than get another movie, I decided to pick up some carry out. I walked all over the place not knowing where to go. I wound up at some little Italian restaurant in Kipps Bay and sat at the bar. I looked at the menu and decided I wasn't hungry, so I just got a drink. Then I left and tried to find more carry out since I thought I should eat a warm meal (something I haven't done all week). I finally wound up at the Pig n' Whistle. I ordered lobster ravioli and a cider. I couldn't finish either. So I went home and watched the other video I rented the other day- "Get Over It". It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Well, it was and it wasn't. Oh, who cares?

I think I need to get out of the apartment for a little bit. Maybe that will make me feel a little better. I'll go return my movies and maybe look for another warm meal. I'm hungry now. I'll sit at a bar so I can talk to a bartender or something and watch TV. NBC seems to have regular programming on now. They had the news on all morning and at 1:00 went back to the regular schedule. Okay, I'm going out now.

Something else I meant to write about before- at the theatre the other day, they announced that they would be searching bags and to please have bags open. I opened my bag but they didn't search it. I only saw them search a few people and they barely looked in the bags.

Something else I meant to write about before- I was glad to see they took down the Hallmark ad- the one that said, "Story upon story, no, not the WTC".

Right now I feel exhausted- could be from having a couple of drinks in the middle of the day and not having much to eat recently. Think I'll take it easy tonight, maybe watch a movie.

I am so tired. I don't think I ever really woke up today. I was going to go to bed at 8:00 but I got caught up watching "Where the Heart Is" (what a great movie) and then decided to stay up to watch Letterman. Right now Dan Rather is on.

Thought: I never watch West Wing, but I'm curious as to what they will do this season. I'm not going to start watching, I'll just find out from Harvey and Paula.

IMPORTANT:If anyone reading this is able to go see Broadway shows, please go! Four shows have closing notices and "Rent" is trying to figure out what to do (pay cuts, less shows per week...). I can't believe that because of one week of small audiences, these shows need to close. Perhaps these shows weren't doing well to begin with. Or maybe I just don't realise how much ticket sales play a part of a show's life. So anyway, PLEASE GO SEE A SHOW!!

I'm scared our country doesn't know enough to understand what might happen in the future in terms of war. I don't really know enough myself and I know that I know more than the average person. I wish CNN could do an in depth story and explain things in simple terms. Maybe give a crash course in World History 101 and then explain what the options are from here. Then maybe United States Citizens (at least the ones who will watch CNN) will understand more. Knowledge is so important, especially now.

Other thoughts:
When will we start seeing the patriotism fade?
How will China effect the situation?
What will happen to our economy?
How will that effect individuals?
How will that effect the people around me?
When will airport security start getting lax?
What will happen to the airlines?
Will the government give them the money they want?
How can I get on a somewhat more normal sleeping schedule?

And here are the lyrics to "Louder Than Words" from "Tick, Tick... Boom!" They mean so much right now.
Why do we play with fire?
And why, do we run our finger through the flame?
Why do we leave our hand on the stove-
Although we know we're in for some pain?

Oh, why do we refuse to hang a right
When the streets are dangerous?
Why does it take an accident
Before the truth gets through to us?

Cages or wings?
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds.
Fear or love, baby?
Don't say the answer
Actions speak louder than words.

Why should we try to be our best
When we can just get by and still gain?
Why do we nod our heads
Although we know the boss is wrong as rain?

Why should we blaze a trail
When the well worn path seems safe and so inviting?
How- as we travel can we see the dismay-
And keep from fighting?

Cages or wings?
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds.
Fear or love, baby?
Don't say the answer
Actions speak louder than words.

What does it take
To wake up a generation?
How can you make someone take off and fly?
If we don't wake up and shake up the nation
We'll eat the dust of the world
Wondering why... why.

Why do we stay with lovers
Who we know down deep just aren't right?
Why would we rather put ourselves through hell
Than sleep alone at night?

Why do we follow leaders who never lead?
Why does it take catastrophe to start a revolution?
If we're so safe, tell me why?
Someone tell me why so many people bleed?

Cages or wings?
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds.
Fear or love, baby?
Don't say the answer
Actions speak louder than words.

I'm thinking about going to see "Music Man" tomorrow. I've seen it three times so I feel like I know them (or at least am more familiar with them than any other cast in town besides "Eat the Runt" and I'm not ready to see that again yet- too many lines that I don't want to hear yet, although it would be interesting to see how they handle that). It felt good to be sitting in the front row- like I was with them. I want to do that again. So I'll head over to TKTS tomorrow afternoon and see what they have. If it's anything like the problems I've read about, there should be good seats for most shows.

There was another notice on the NYJurors website today. I still don't understand it. It says people in Manhattan should not go unless specifically contacted, but it doesn't say anything about people who were supposed to serve last week. So I sent an email. Maybe I'll actually get a reply. I'll also keep trying to remember to call. So far, the lines have been busy the 30-40 times I've tried.

I had a few other things to mention but can't remember them now.

Then I went to get my ticket for "The Producers". There was a long line of people waiting for cancellations and/or standing room only. I don't know if that was a normal sized line though or if there are usually more people. I went up to the balcony and sat down. People started filling in around me and the house was packed. The show started and I started getting hot and fidgety. I couldn't get into the show. Everyone around me was laughing (not big laughs, but appreciative laughs, I think- from what I remember) and I just wasn't finding anything funny. And I couldn't really see detail from where I was sitting (but that's neither here nor there- where does that expression come from?). It got worse. I started having a mild panic attack and felt a little sick. I got up in the middle of Act 1 (at least I waited for the end of a song) and went in the bathroom to be alone. There was a woman on a cell phone in there. I thought I would feel better and wait for intermission to go back to my seat. I started feeling worse. So I tried to leave. The usher asked me if I was okay, and I told her I was and just wanted to go home. She made another usher walk me out (he walked me as far as the mezzanine).

I walked outside and turned left to go to 8th Ave. I was going to take the bus home. I got to the bus stop and didn't feel like waiting. I hailed a cab and was home by, I think, 9:30. I went right to bed and fell asleep pretty quickly, for me. Of all shows to walk out of, I had to walk out of the one that's sold out until March (unless more and more people cancel their tickets).

I woke up at 5:00 AM very thirsty. I couldn't get back to sleep and had to get up early today anyway, so I just got out of bed and started going about my day.

I'm still going to try to see "Music Man" today. Last night was very strange. I don't think I've ever felt like that before- at least not at a theatre. I'm sure it was a one-time thing. "Music Man" feels like home to me so I'd still like to go. Plus I'd really like to support theatres right now. I got an email today from the one of the producers of "Eat the Runt", encouraging people to go support the shows and offering $19 tickets to "Eat the Runt". Maybe I'll go see it tomorrow. Or maybe I'll decide tomorrow that I don't want to see any more theatre right now. I already have 2 tickets for shows next week- "Reefer Madness" and "Thou Shalt Not". I called Telecharge to see if they had the new information for "Thou Shalt Not" and they did. I sent my ticket back for a refund and bought a ticket for the following week when they do start previews since I will no longer be in Baltimore for the Harbour Sale.

Since I'm up so early, I can get an early start on cleaning the apartment and don't have to rush through it (although I think it's easier to rush through it sometimes). Then I can head over to TKTS. I don't know what I'll do before the show starts though. I'm a little sick of walking around Times Square. Maybe I'll go to Virgin Megastore and browse (although that doesn't sound like much fun at this moment- maybe it'll sound better once I'm there).

I feel a little sick this morning. I think it's from the drink I had last night. I only had one drink (a Singapore Sling) so that doesn't make much sense (especially since I had food with it), but I'm pretty sure that's what is causing me to feel this way. No drinking today.

I need to wake up a little more and feel a little better before I start cleaning- I can always come up with an excuse to procrastinate ;) so I think I'll first read some web journals and then see what the RATMers have to say this morning (or more likely, last night).

Ha- an RATMer was wishing someone a happy birthday and said, "I'd invite you to Phoenix, but I have too much respect for you,"- I like that guy!

I got a reply about 2 minutes after I sent an email asking about jury duty. The guy said to check the website at a later time. Well, I checked it today and it still doesn't say anything about people who had jury duty for last week. It only tells people with jury duty today what to do. And anyone in Manhattan shouldn't show up unless specifically contacted. I guess I'll just keep checking for updates and maybe send another email at the end of the week.

The other day I got an email from Hunter saying that people who graduated in June can now pick up their diplomas with a picture ID. Does that mean that on graduation day, people did not get their diplomas? Maybe it's only for people who were not their on graduation day. I sure hope so.

Today hasn't been a good day. My purse strap broke on the way to the bus this morning. I carried it anyway and decided I'd find a cheap handbag somewhere in Times Square. When I got on the bus, my Metro Card didn't work. I had just put money on it the day before so I didn't understand what was wrong. The driver let me ride for free. I couldn't find one quickly so I decided to stop in the Sheraton to see if someone knew of a place nearby. The woman asked for my ID- it didn't matter that I wasn't trying to go anywhere in the hotel, I couldn't be in the lobby without showing ID. Now would NOT be a good time to lose your license. Another woman told me that Bolton's was only a block or two away. So I found a cheap bag. Then I went to TKTS and there was a line! I actually had to wait 40 minutes for tickets. I got a ticket for "Music Man" in the mezzanine. Then I still wasn't feeling well, so I went somewhere to get a coke. Their soda fountain wasn't working. So I tried Starbucks across the street. They don't have coke. Why was I having trouble finding a simple coke? Finally I went to Lundy's and had a coke. I got to the theatre and there was a long line that wasn't moving very quickly since they had to search everyone's bag. It took a long time with me since I had two bags (I started switching the contents into the new bag but didn't finish so I had stuff in two bags). My seat at "Music Man" was in the first row of the mezzanine. I spent the time before the lights dimmed seeing if there was an available seat close to the stage in the orchestra. The house was almost completely full (good for them!!!) but there were 3 seats in the second row, stage left. At intermission I went down there and enjoyed Act II up close and personal! Their performance today seemed to lack energy and had some weak spots, but it was a good show since it's a great show to begin with. Something about Robert Sean Leonard was strange today. I don't know what, I just got a weird feeling from him. He seemed a little too close to Rebecca Luker (I'm sure it's my imagination though- he's just a really good actor, right? At least I hope it's not anything more- she's married). I decided to stand by the stage door again just to see the actors. Am I a little obsessed? One of the guys on the stage crew was wearing a Jethro Tull t-shirt. Of course I had to compliment him. We talked for a few minutes before he had to go talk to more of the stage crew. As I was getting on the bus home I got hungry but I didn't know what to do about that. Well, I knew I should eat something but I didn't know where. So I just went home. Now I'm still a little hungry but still don't know what I want to eat. I wish I had someone to eat with. I'm feeling pretty miserable right now. Marcell called to check how I was. She was on her way to her support group meeting. She told me she finally managed to do some volunteering and will continue to do so as long as she doesn't have any work. I think I might go to the Red Cross near her and see if they need any data entry people. I think they're getting data entry people through a company but it can't hurt to check. Maybe if they don't need any more computer people they could use me for something else. And tomorrow I think I'll try to see "Rent" and if I can't get a lottery ticket (which I actually hope I won't since that will mean that a lot of people are trying to see it), I'll go over to TKTS and find another show to go support. With 5 shows closing and several other shows that are never on the TKTS boards and I don't think I want to see "Music Man" again, there won't be many options. But I will find something.

Okay, that was a nice long paragraph. I should try to start figuring out what to eat now.

Speaking of traveling, I'm 99% sure I'll be going down to Baltimore/DC for Neil's and Paula's birthday dinner October 6th. I can rent a car here and stay at Neil and Maxine's. I'll leave on Thursday since Eric Lewis is playing a solo show in Gaithersburg that night. It'll be nice to see him again and hear his wonderful, positive music. I probably won't want to go alone, but now that I sort of know him, thanks to Josh, I'll feel like I'm going for a reason. I'm having real "alone" issues right now. But after talking to Rebecca and she gave me a glimmer of hope, I'm feeling much better than I have been all week. Although, I'm not just feeling miserable because of my own life. I'm not that self-centered. I'm also thinking about the city, country, and the rest of the world. I think things have become more real. We are seeing how things are changing- the airlines in trouble, new airport security, our continued slowing economy- and my own personal observations- getting bags searched at a theatre, getting asked for ID in a hotel lobby, Broadway and Off-Broadway shows closing, empty restaurants...

Well, I was feeling better. It's now midnight. I need to do something positive so I can actually fall asleep some time before 5:00 AM. Although, Harvey said he would try to call around 2:00 AM. I doubt I'll fall asleep before then, and if I do, I'll just talk to him for a few minutes and then go back to bed. But I'm 90% sure I'll be awake at 2:00. I'll be happy if I can fall asleep by 3:30 and I'll be really happy if I can wake up by 11:00. It's good I don't have much to do tomorrow. What I will do tomorrow before I go see "Eat the Runt" is go have dinner at Afghan Kebob III. Thanks to Hoopla500, who wrote about having dinner at Afghan Kebab House II, I found out about this restaurant right near the American Place Theatre (where "Eat the Runt" performs). The food sounds tasty and I think it's important to not only support all New York restaurants, but to especially support Afghan restaurants. According to Hoopla500, the Afghan Kebab House that she went to was, not surprisingly, empty.

I feel like I've been writing too much these past few days. I think that's a good thing though. It helps me sort things out, sometimes makes me feel better, and I will appreciate when I look back at these entries in the future, that I included all the details of how I felt, what I did...

One more thing before I sign off for the night- it's amazing how many people have found my site by searching for recent events (Afghanistan military, World Trade Center attacks...). I know my site is not one of the first few that come up (in fact, it's probably one of the last). Who are these people that keep clicking on "next" until they find my little site that probably doesn't discuss what they are looking for? Whoever you are, thanks for reading- and if you want, please sign my guestbook.

Finally there was a useful message on the website regarding jury duty. People who received a summons before September 24 should not report. Okay, now I know what to do. Maybe I'll get another summons soon? I hope so- I would still like to have the opportunity to be on a jury.

I got a ticket for "Eat the Runt" for tonight. Maybe I'll try to see "Rent" this weekend. And if I'm still feeling like I've been feeling, I might try to do "Music Man" again as well (but I'd only want to see it if I can get a seat in the first 2 rows).

I'm feeling better today. Much better, actually.

Roger Clemens becomes the first pitcher to go 20-1. Wow, this is really impressive. I think I'd be more excited normally, but I just can't get excited about such trivial things right now. Maybe one day soon. Although, as Eytan and I were talking about last night, neither one of us get excited about things like we used to. He thinks it's depression. I don't know what I think, but I don't think it's depression.

I forgot where I read this, but I have to share. Type "NYC" (in caps) in a Word document. Use a large font. Then highlight it and change the font to "webdings". Then change the font again to "wingdings". Who takes the time to figure this stuff out?

Right now I'm singing "Shapoopi" from "Music Man". I feel happy. It's a strange feeling. I have so much energy and I don't know what to do with it. I was thinking about going out for a drink, but I didn't want to ruin my good mood by sitting at a bar alone and not having anyone interesting to talk to. So I just went home.

It's pouring!!!!

Last night I decided to see what seats were available for "Music Man" tonight. I thought if I could find a seat in the first two rows, I'd use the discount code and avoid waiting in line at TKTS (and avoid not getting a good seat) since it was about the same price. Sure enough, there was one seat available- first row basically in the centre. I really like watching most of the show (especially the footbridge scene) from stage left, and this seat is stage left enough. Although, maybe I'll see who is sitting closer to stage left next to me and see if they would like to switch seats so they can sit closer to the centre (most people like to sit closer to the centre). This should be my last time seeing this show for a while. I just really wanted to see it one more time (especially to see the connection between Mr. Leonard and Ms. Luker).

I think I'll go to Wolf's for dinner before the show. Chicken soup with matzah balls and an egg cream sound like great comfort food. I'd love to go now (I'm hungry), but then I wouldn't know what to do in between dinner and the show. So I'll just wait about an hour and then bring a magazine with me so I can make it a long dinner.

"Music Man" was great as usual. Actually, during Act I, they just seemed to be going through the motions. Act II improved though. Even on an off night, it's still an amazing show. The chemistry I saw the other day between Mr. Leonard and Ms. Luker was gone, thankfully. They still have chemistry, just not the chemistry that I shouldn't have been seeing. Last night was the second time I had an older woman sitting behind me, commenting on everything. Oh's or Ah's or Oooh's or Oh-no's. Or she would repeat the line an actor just said. I don't think it was the same woman both times. Actually, that would be even worse since she already knew the story the second time. WHY do they have to sit behind me? It's extremely irritating. I wonder if the actors can hear it up on stage? Probably not. They're not paying attention to the audience. The woman next to me seemed to like to talk to the conductor. She told him how great it was during intermission and then did not stop talking to him even after he begun the Entr'Acte. He was polite. I think if it were me, I would have started ignoring her once I resumed conducting. The little girl who plays Amarylis loves looking at the audience during the curtain call. Last night she smiled at a little girl sitting near me and smiled at me too. That was cute. And Robert Sean Leonard mouthed a "thank you" to me too when he was in front of me during the curtain call. I like how some of the performers acknowledge individuals in the audience during the curtain call, but in a way I don't like it. I don't know why. I never used to acknowledge individuals when I used to perform. I don't know why of that either. I don't know much tonight, do I? I did not wait by the stage door last night. I began to feel ridiculous about it.

Today I didn't do much. I didn't wake up until the afternoon after going to bed very late. I REALLY need to stop this!!!!! I don't know how to make myself get on a slightly more normal schedule. I can force myself to get in bed before 1:00, but that doesn't mean I'll fall asleep earlier. I can set the alarm, but I'll just ignore it. Tonight I feel more tired than past nights. Maybe tonight will be different.

I woke up singing "Easy as Life" from "Aida".

Tonight I went to see "The Way Weary" (a workshop)for free. It was about T. E. Lawrence's personal life (more of a drama of his personal life than a historical play). It was well done but not very memorable. The scenes at the beginning of Act I are too choppy, the major dramatic question doesn't exactly keep the story going, and the emotional scenes aren't emotional enough. The language was beautiful though the actors were QUITE talented!! I especially liked Jeff Riebe- he has a wonderful speaking voice and had an amazing range of emotion (which was great since the emotion in the text wasn't always there). After the show, the director and writer got feedback from the audience. The audience mainly talked about whether or not to add more historical content. The writer just listened and, I'm assuming, took mental notes. He looked tired. The audience was a nice size (about 25-30 people). I think the theatre was about half full.

On college football news- I really didn't think Virginia Tech had a chance this year. I thought with Michael Vick gone and Lee Scruggs injured, they wouldn't even be ranked in the top 25. Sure, they're not playing great teams yet, but they are seriously beating the teams they are playing (50-0, 31-0). This is awesome!

In a sick and crazy way, I want to get back into the theatre scene rather than just be an observer. If I can't perform, I want to do tech or stage manage or something (even though I really don't have much experience with anything besides performing). I know this isn't possible and deep down, I can't possibly want to get into all that again, but I've been having these ridiculous thoughts anyway recently. Maybe I could just become friends with someone who is involved, and I can live vicariously through them without personally having to put up with all the stuff which made me leave the theatre scene to begin with.

Today is the first day I'm listening to music besides "Tick, Tick... Boom!" or carefully selected MP3s. I let my CD Player choose the album and Martin Barre was the first one it picked. I decided it knew what it was doing and kept it on. So far, so good.

I decided last night that in order to get back into the theatre scene without REALLY getting back into it, I could do a few things. One- try to be an extra in some movies again, and two- look for an intern position that would't take up that many hours. I saw an intern position for a casting company yesterday that looked interesting (and didn't require experience). The listing was posted a few weeks ago so I'm sure the position is already filled, but I will look for more like those. The casting process has always interested me. I saw another listing for something that didn't require experience or that many hours and offered a stipend plus free tickets to shows and invites to industry events. That one sounded great! I don't care if the pay is bad and the work is tedious. Being involved directly in the theatre scene sounds like a good idea right now. I just don't want to have to do it full time since the pay is terrible. But from reading the postings, it looks like a lot of companies just need a few hours a week. That would be perfect.

Now I'm home and plan on watching a little football and reading The Times. I feels like just the other day I wrote an entry where I was doing the same thing. That was two weeks ago. Times flies.

Maybe in an hour I'll head over to Times Square to see what's going on. With the shows closing, I wonder if there will be more people around and more people (like unemployed actors) going out for drinks or something. Maybe I'll have dinner at the Red Eye Grill or something. I'm sure Times Square restaurants are suffering from a lack of tourists. Still, I think it's important to remember that September is the slowest month for tourism.

Something I think they should show on the news- the rest of the city. All they are showing is Ground Zero. I think it's important people see that most of New York looks very normal. They should especially show Times Square. That is tourist-land, and that area looks as it always does (street vendors, Broadway theatres, restaurants, little shoppes...). Seeing the rubble is probably keeping tourists who live within driving distance and/or train distance away (even if people still aren't willing to fly here). If they saw images of a perfectly functioning New York, they would probably be more willing to come here.

Oh, and if anyone reading this is in New York or is planning to be in New York before September 30th- you can get $25 tickets to "Cabaret"!

Tonight I need to straighten up the apartment since Harvey will be here with a client tomorrow afternoon (while Paula and I have lunch at Artisanal). Then I'll pay a few bills while watching the Sunday night game.

Tomorrow I actually have classes. School? I don't remember anything about it. We haven't had class in two weeks. And tomorrow, I need to start the Math workshop. I'm REALLY not looking forward to that. I never look forward to going to school, but I'm REALLY not looking forward to it now. I knew the choppy September schedule would make me even less interested, and I was right (and it's even choppier because of the WTC attack). I have absolutely no interest in it. Last night I even thought of other career posibilities that didn't involve obtaining a college degree (theare stuff, mostly). I know that was a waste of time, but I was really hoping I would come up with something. School just seems like a horrible thing to do right now- especially at Hunter.

At some point this week, I should rant about Hunter. I'm too tired to type it all now though. I just spent an hour typing emails. Okay, no more typing tonight.

I didn't know what to do once I got home. I watched Jon Stewart's moving speech on The Daily Show- he's such a beautiful man (inside and out). I tried to watch MNF but couldn't get into it (sorry about your Redskins, Neil). I had little flashbacks of Bogens in Blacksburg. I loved that place. I loved so many places in that lovely, little town. Then I started looking at news websites. I read about what was going on with the New York primaries, and then I read about the tornado in College Park. How horrible! I emailed Neil about it and got this reply this morning (hope you don't mind, Neil):
"We took shelter in our basement for about 30 minutes. We had a small tv down there, and they were saying this tornado WOULD hit College Park and it was one of the worst storms ever seen in the Washington area. Thankfully, our house was not touched. But right down the street, 2 students were killed and 50 injured. Several campus buildings sustained damage. We heard sirens for hours after the storm and we lost power from about 7:30-10:00. We also heard explosions, like several firecrackers going off. I assume they were power lines. Maxine immediately thought of more terrorist attacks. I had to take a detour to work this morning as parts of route 1 were blocked. Never a dull moment!!!"

Slept on the couch last night. I think I sleep on the couch when I feel too awful to get in bed. A couch in a living room feels like I'm less alone than in a dark bedroom. It doesn't exactly make sense, but that's the only reason I can come up with.

While I was lying on the couch trying to fall asleep, I had many thoughts going through my head. I was feeling guilty that I was acting so crazy at a time like this- so many people lost loved ones, and I did not. I was feeling guilty that I was upset about things not related to current events. I was lonely (another reason for sleeping on the couch- it's difficult to sleep in a big bed alone). I was uncertain of the direction of my life. I was upset about school- getting my degree will take so long, I cannot see the end of my scholastic journey (and that bothers me).

Dream I had last night- I was on a flight that crashed but we were fine..., it turned out Abby was one of the babies in a set of triplets and Rebecca and I had the other two (each one of us had one), I kept leaving mine all over the place, forgetting to change her diaper, and often forgot to keep the opening open on the crib/carrier thing so she could breathe- she never cried. It was horrible. Why do I always have dreams of me neglecting my babies? Makes me scared to have children.

The strange thing is that I had the dream last night and not tonight. Tonight I went to see "Reefer Madness" and there was a scene where a woman neglects her baby.

So I didn't get to sleep until after 4:00 AM and didn't wake up until noon. Ridiculous! And I didn't wake up in a better mood. I still felt lousy about everything in general, I guess.

But as the day went on, I began to feel better. That was only because I had things to do that got my mind off of my problems, temporarily. I voted (don't know why I bothered- I'm still sort of holding out for Giuliani to some way be able to run in the general election or prolong his term and I really don't feel strongly about the other candidates, especially in the primary).

Then I went over to the Avis near me to see about renting a car for when I go down to Maryland next week. I tried to find deals online, but they were only available for locations outside of New York City. The woman quoted $74/day (a little high, if you ask me). I will try again later. Maybe a different company with locations in Manhattan will be better. I think there's a Hertz near me...

I then took the bus down to the East Village (I'm really enjoying taking the bus- it's nice seeing what's out there). I had a bite to eat at Cafe Centosette (I actually remembered to write it down). I people watched for a while (including a guy sitting at an outside table at the cafe- he looked interesting).

I still was early for the show, so I walked over to Union Square to see the vigil. Wow!!! The pictures (as usual) do not do it justice. It was so nice to be able to see it with my own eyes. It was really windy, and the smell of burning rubble was noticeable which made it even more realistic. Tears almost wanted to form, but not quite. I think I was trying to force them. Then I thought about why I was trying to do that. I couldn't find an answer. I'm usually so good at figuring out why I do what I do and why I think what I think. The past few days I've had a lot of unanswered questions about myself which is definitely contributing to my mood.

I walked back to the theatre and there was a woman outside protesting. She told me that I should boycott the show because they only hired non-union musicians and that was discrimination. I wondered why they would do that and decided to ask her. She was busy talking to other people, so I waited. While I was waiting, I saw the interesting-looking guy that was sitting at Cafe Centosette when I was there. He was talking about the union/non-union musicians. I decided to ask him about it instead since he looked like he knew what he was talking about. He said that they held auditions and hired the best musicians. Most were non-union, but some were union. Right before the show went up, the union members quit. So they had to find more musicians and hired non-union musicians. That doesn't sound like the local 802 (musician's union) has a case. But I only know a bit from both sides (the woman union-member musician and the guy I was talking to- Dan, wrote the book, along with Kevin Murphy, and was also the composer). Dan was a really nice guy, and it was fun to meet one of the guys who wrote the show. The show was okay. I would recommend it to people who don't have rigid views of marajuana and/or people who haven't seen shows with tons and tons of in-jokes, but have seen enough shows to get the in-jokes. It was funny. I laughed out loud a few times. The rest of the audience howled through most of it. I didn't think it was quite that funny. The music was great (I should purchase the cast recording) and the cast was talented.

On bus back home, I was looking at the playbill. An older woman sat down next to me and said she was at the show too. We wound up talking the rest of the way. She knows a few people in the theatre scene and can get comp tickets (or really cheap tickets- like $3.00 tickets). She gave me her card and said she would love it if I would join her some time. Sounds like a plan, right? Only one problem. For some reason I lied to her. I used to do this on airplanes when I knew I would never see the person again. I would make up my life story, just for kicks (I've been a writer, actor, teacher, and CEO from California, Connecticut, and Massachusetts- I always made sure to not say anything I didn't know anything about in case they asked general questions, and I never had any trouble answering the questions people would ask me). Well, I did this with the woman on the bus. I told her I was a currently unemployed equity actress. She asked a lot of questions. Who did I study with? Who was my agent? What shows have I done? Do I get tickets through the equity office? What shows have I seen recently? I managed to make up all the answers, although I think I did hesitate a little on ones that, if I were telling the truth, should have been automatic. Why did I do this? Well, I didn't know she was going to offer me the chance to see shows with her. For some reason, I told her my real name. Well, now I can't call this woman. Not after lying to her. If we went to a show, she would assume I would know someone involved (the theatre scene is pretty small and if I was an equity actor, surely I would know someone). What a dumb thing I did. Oh well, so I lost my chance of seeing shows with someone. That's okay, I don't mind going alone. In fact, most of the time I rather enjoy it. If the show is spectacular or has some special meaning for me, I don't like to talk to people afterwards. I like to be alone so I can think to myself in my own world. Talking to other people puts me back in reality and I'm often not ready to be back there yet.

Now I'm home and still in a mood. I'm not miserable, I'm not angry, but I'm not happy or even content right now. I feel on edge. If someone made one little comment to me that I did not like for whatever reason, I would surely fly off the handle. I sure hope I get out of this mood soon. Now I'm looking forward to going back to school on Monday. I wish we had have classes tomorrow. I don't know what I'll do tomorrow night. Go see a show? I'll see what's availble for free and then make my decision.

Oh, and despite my mood, I am not depressed in the clinical sense of the word. If I was depressed, I would not be able to do the things I am doing. Though I am unhappy with the current situation of my life (few jobs, hate school, no social life), I am doing things to change it. I have been looking into different and interesting job possibilities (still free lance stuff), continue to search for something theatre related to do, put up a personal ad online again, and last night was reading stuff at Craiglist, and online community. Somehow I started reading personal ads there, and I came across one that sounded hopeful. I sent him and email and got a reply today (that was quick). It is sounding more and more hopeful. I'm not looking for a relationship or even a "date"- I'm just looking for friends or at least people with whom I can socialise. This guy sounds like he's looking for the same. So, we'll see what happens with all of these things. I'm already feeling better, in fact. As I wrote this last paragraph, I started feeling a little better. Maybe seeing in writing, how I can make positive changes in my life, makes it seem easy (and more real).

Today I'm glad I don't have to go to classes. I don't know what the difference between yesterday and today is. I hope I don't feel this way next Monday. Of course I'll go even if I do- it'll just be harder than it usually is.

I'm getting frustrated with finding a rental car for next week. It seems no one offers discounts for Manhattan rentals. I thought about taking a train to Newark or something, but that will take forever (cab to Penn Station, wait for train, take train somewhere, take cab to the rental car place- too many steps). So I thought I'd walk up to the Hertz near me tomorrow and see what they will offer. I tried them online and got a quote for $70/day (with taxes and everything, it works out to $100/day- that's too much, I think). I thought going in person would make a difference. It didn't when I went to Avis yesterday, but that's because she was a nasty customer service person. Maybe there will be someone nice at Hertz who will want to give me a good deal.

I made arrangements to visit Sylvia on Friday morning (Oct. 5), which means I'll have to get up really early. The weekend should be good- seeing family, Eric Lewis show... I just hope Sherry doesn't bother me too much. If I'm still on edge like I have been the past few days, I can picture snapping at her if she makes one of her usual ignorant comments. I should really just inform her of why she isn't correct and set her straight. The more she learns, the better, right? I should be helpful, not nasty or sarcastic. Sounds good in theory, but will I be able to pull it off? We'll see...

With the recent news about driving in and out of Manhattan (checking all cars with only one person, hours of backups at the bridges and tunnels), renting a car here doesn't sound like a good idea. After thinking about a lot of different possibilities, I decided it might be best to take a train to BWI and rent a car there. Although, I don't know if I should go at all.

I've been a mess, personally, this past week, and when I get around family when I'm like this, I seem to do worse. So although I should be there and I want to be there, it might be best if I stay away.

Yesterday I started thinking about how people feel about me. Most people tend not to like me. I've never understood why though. I've asked a few people, but of course did not get an answer. People don't like telling people why they don't care for them, they would rather just treat you badly or ignore you. I started to get depressed when thinking that this would never change. Wherever I go, I'm destined not to be liked. And the people who do seem to like me don't really know me. I don't think the people I call friends really know who I am. I know you can't know everything about a person, but I don't think these "friends" know anything about who I am currently. Then I started thinking about how insignificant I am. What have I done in my life, recently, that is something to be proud of? I can't think of anything. In recent years, I've liked myself. I've had fairly high self esteem. Yesterday I started to lose that. I'm not liking myself much right now. I started comparing myself to other New Yorkers (which is stupid, I know) and they all seem to handle their lives much better than I can handle mine. They have important careers, the right social circles... Now I know they might be feeling miserable on the inside, but so am I- at least they have the look of happiness on the outside; I do not even have that. I don't know where to make changes in my life to feel better about it. I think I've given up on the theatre scene. I've never done well with theatre people so I think if I tried now, it would make me feel even worse. So I'll just stick to being an audience member, for now. I want the impossible. I want to find something to do that's theatre related and have a guarantee that I'll fit into the group. That's impossible. I'll never fit into any group. However, I thought again about going to church. There is an interesting, trendy (a strange word to describe a house of worship) church near me on Park Ave. I thought about going once just to see what it's like. I can't go this Sunday or the next one (if I do wind up going down to Maryland), but perhaps I'll go the Sunday after that. I think church is the only place I haven't tried enough to know how I'll fit it. It would be nice to find one where I feel comfortable. Then I could really enjoy Christmas Eve, instead of just going to a random church and feeling lonely.

And of course I feel guilty about all of these thoughts. I'm healthy, the people I love are healthy, there are suffering people all over the world and I'm not one of them. Why should I feel so miserable?

I talked to Paula and Harvey yesterday about their work situation and that made me angry. I do not approve of how they are handling the situation. I talked to them right before I was going to leave to get dinner before going to the show.

So I was angry and depressed and in no mood to sit in a restaurant (fortunately, I was not that hungry). So I tried to calm down as much as possible and forced myself to go to the theatre. There was a man outside the theatre looking for an extra ticket and I was REALLY tempted to sell him mine. I was not in the mood to sit through any show, but especially "Thou Shalt Not". But I went. I didn't like it. From what I've read so far, neither did anyone else. I liked the lighting, Norbert Leo Butz, and a little bit of the choreogrpahy, but that was it. The show dragged, there was no chemistry between Kate Levering and Craig Bierko, there was no character development in the beginning so it was hard to feel anything for the characters, the songs were not memorable (except "Tug Boat", and that one was too simplistic), and what can you say about a show that during the upsetting scenes- the audience was laughing (was it supposed to be funny? it was funny but I don't know if that was the intention). Susan Stroman was sitting near me. I recognised her all by myself (only because she was wearing a baseball cap which is what she's always wearing in the pictures I've seen of her)! Glenn Close was sitting nearby as well (people around me said they saw her but since no one pointed her out to me, I, of course, didn't recognise her). The woman behind me did point out Harry Conick Jr. to me (she said she just wanted to point him out to someone). Before last night, I was trying to think of a date when I could see it again. I really don't think I want to now. It might get better, but it's not worth it. I think this will be Stroman's flop (every great person needs a flop). I'm glad I read how other people felt about the show. Otherwise, I would have thought my opinions were coming from my mood.

"Music Man" is no longer closing (they had put up a closing notice on Wednesday). They will have a 4 week trial with pay cuts like a few of the other shows. I'm so glad. Before I knew it wasn't closing, I got a ticket for tonight. That show seems to be the only thing that cheers me up these days. Even though it's not closing this week, I'm still glad I'm going.

Rebecca and her father are coming in this weekend. I'd really rather not have company right now, but I have no choice. I might go see a show with them Saturday night, if they can find one they want to see (difficult, since they want to see a comedy but don't like most comedies). Sunday I'm going to head over to the Broadway Flea Market. I doubt I'll buy anything- I just want to check it out, see what and who is there...

I got an email about "Tick, Tick... Boom!"'s change in schedule (their solution to the lack of ticket sales). At the end of the email, it had certain appropriate, given these times, "Louder Than Words" lyrics. I hope Molly Ringwald can pull off this role. It would be a shame for this wonderful show to close.

I'm feeling slightly better today than I did yesterday, but not better enough to forget about my mood and have a good time with Rebecca. I set the alarm for 10:00 AM (I knew I wouldn't get up since I didn't get to sleep until 5:30) and finally forced myself to get out of bed at 11:30. Before I leave for the theatre, I need to straighten up the apartment a little (in case Rebecca decides to arrive late tonight instead of tomorrow morning). I also have a lot of stuff to organise and figure out, but that will wait until tomorrow. I don't need to feel stressed on top of feeling depressed. One negative mood at a time.

I called Paula today and there was no answer, which means she's back at work even though she said she was 90% sure she would go Saturday but not Friday. I guess selfish Harvey got his way again and made Paula go today. Now I'm more upset.

Okay, I'm not going to see a show on Saturday with Rebecca and her father. Her brother decided he does want to go to see a show too (originally he said he didn't want to). If he goes, I can't go because he wouldn't want me there. I hate this, but what can I do?

So I guess I'm glad I saw "Thou Shalt Not" on the first preview. They've already cut "Dumb Luck". I didn't care too much for the number, but I think I would have cut some other stuff before that one. I'm assuming it was cut (I'm surprised it wasn't cut from the first preview) because it involved Laurent (played by Craig Bierko) searching the morgue and there were many "dead bodies" on the stage. Bad timing. They really should have cut it before the first preview if this was the reason it was cut.

Rebecca got in around 2:00 and we talked until about 4:00. I still wasn't tired and didn't fall asleep until after 6:00. I thought maybe to get back on a better schedule, I should not go to sleep at all. Then I would be tired the next night. But I fell asleep. I woke up when Rebecca's father got here at 10:00 and was somewhat awake, but I went back to sleep anyway. That's a major problem. If I woke up the first time when I'm sort of awake instead of letting myself fall back asleep, I wouldn't be as tired when I woke up the next time. So I slept on and off and eventually woke up for good at 12:30. I wonder what time I'll fall asleep tonight.

One of my dreams last night involved being on the 5th floor of the Pentagon when a plane hit that floor (not the one that actually hit the Pentagon, this was a new one). I was allowed to use the elevator to go to the 3rd floor, but somehow I wound up back on the 5th floor. There was a security guy outside the elevator, but he didn't look surprised to see me. I didn't get out of the elevator. I just went back to the 3rd floor.

Today was okay. I felt a little better than I've been feeling but that's probably because Rebecca and her father were here and distracted me. I guess it is good to have people around. All this time alone give me too much opportunity to think. So I talked to her dad about computers, consulting, and research for a while and then we all went out for a bite to eat at Mangia. But first we stopped by Tourneau so Rebecca could have her watch appraised. Then they went to the Planetarium and then to dinner with her brother. They didn't go see a show since they wanted to see "Cabaret" and it was, of course (because of the $25 tickets), sold out. I decided to not see a show tonight either. I've seen shows Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I think it's time for a quiet night at home. I think I'll watch Saturday Night Live. Paula told me Giuliani is supposed to be on it.

Tomorrow I'll go check out the Broadway Flea Market.

I managed to wake up this morning (with a little help from Rebecca) at 10:00. At around 5:30 this morning, I thought about trying not going to sleep at all so I would be tired tonight and get back on a slightly more normal schedule. But I fell asleep at some point, I think around 6:00. So after a nice Ess-A-Bagel that Rebecca went out to get this morning, I headed over to the Broadway Flea Market. It was packed with people!!!!! I couldn't even get near some of the tables and it was very difficult to walk. I did manage to buy a few cast recordings though- "Canterbury Tales" (I was so happy to find this since I don't know where my copy of the tape is, and I really like some of the songs- plus I have somewhat fond memories of doing this cheesy show), "Shenandoah", with John Cullem, and a live Joel Grey album. I also tried to win tickets to a few shows ($1 per chance- you pull out little tickets and open them up to see if you won), but I didn't win. "Urinetown" was selling little viles of urine (lemonade powder, I think)- that was cute. I can't believe how many people were there. A lot of the people looked like tourists! It was great to see. The free concert at Carnegie Hall had a lot of interest as well. When I went by it around 10:45, the ticket line was about a block and a half long. When I went by it again around 12:30 (tickets went on sale at 12:00), it was several blocks long. AND- when I walked by TKTS at 11:00 this morning, the line was VERY LONG (I've only seen it longer one other time)! Nice to see so many people out and about. I'm glad I left early though. It started pouring a few minutes ago. All those signed playbills getting wet? I hope they were able to cover everything before there was too much damage.

I'm having packet loss issues with my cable modem again. I just called RCN and got a knowledgable person! He's doing some testing (he's taking this very seriously) and then will put a trouble ticket into the network people. Hopefully they can resolve the problem this time. I don't know what they did last time- maybe nothing. Or maybe they did fix something (it was working 2 weeks ago rather nicely) and something got screwed up again. I really don't know much about how cable modems work/run. So I guess I'll know more in 24-48 hours. Hopefully they can fix something on their end. If not, hopefully they can get out here quickly (on a day I can be home) and fix whatever is wrong here. Till then- I'm stuck with dropped and slow connections (in the immediate future, this means who know when I'll be able to upload this entry).

I decided I'm definitely going to Maryland next weekend. I'm feeling better (at least I'm feeling better right now) and even if I'm in a terrible state of mind when I get there, I can still hope that things will go smoothly at the dinner. If not, I'll leave. At least I can say I tried. And I really do want to see everyone! So now I just need to see what time Eric Lewis' show is on Thursday and make train and car reservations.

I heard somewhere that all movie studios are considering taking scenes that show the WTC out of all movies, including all movies that are on video. Is this true? I can't seem to find any information about it (haven't looked too hard yet though). This doesn't seem right. I think they should cut scenes of planes flying into buildings, but to cut all shots of the WTC would be like erasing it completely from our memories. I don't think it's a good idea if, in fact, that's what they are planning to do.

So Rebecca's father is leaving this evening and Rebecca will be leaving at the crack of dawn tomorrow. Depending on how tired I am around 1:00 AM, I might stay up all night, see her off, and then start my day. I have a lot to do (since I seem to be completely putting everything off this weekend- I LOVE procrastination) and it would be nice to have the extra hours. Plus, it might make me exhausted Monday night, I'll get to sleep early, and get back on a better schedule. I'm tired now though. I think I could even take a nap. I won't though. That would screw up my schedule even more (although it might allow me to stay up all night tonight). I think I should force myself to stay awake now. I doubt I could really fall asleep in the afternoon anyway (although it is a gloomy day- perfect for getting under the covers).

Random comment- I found my favourite deli. It's on 7th @ 54th (not that I would go out of my way to go there, but I seem to be in that area a lot lately). They have Honest Tea (or at least they do right now- lots of places used to have it and then once I find it, they take it away- never to be seen again), cinnamon Mentos, and just a large variety of everything.

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