November

Once again, I shouldn't take the time to do this, but as I'm not getting anything else accomplished, I might as well.

After hearing about long lines at polling places, I tried to allow a little extra time to vote. Then I didn't have to wait at all. There wasn't anyone there out of the 36 districts that vote in my little polling place. So I had a little extra time to meet Todd before meeting up with Rachel (who just moved here). I went with Rachel to "Democracy Plaza" (is that name really going to catch on?) to be at the live coverage of the election. I wasn't really interested in going, but she wanted me to go with her, so I went for an hour. So I got home way later than planned (meeting Todd and Rachel were last-minute things), and wound up spending too much time following the election results. I felt sick with guilt the whole time, considering all the things I should have been concentrating on more than I was. But oh well, this only happens every 4 years, and I just couldn't tear myself away.

What bothers me more than Bush winning is why he won. It's all about "moral values". It that just gives me all the more reason to want to move to Europe. And what's wrong with the people in this country? Don't people realise that Bush doesn't keep us safe but instead makes us less safe because he pisses off so many countries? His bully attitude, trying to make all countries "like us" is just so wrong.

Wednesday I felt miserable and content at the same time (I think the weather helped me feel a bit better). I decided to go hide out at a tourist spot before seeing "Democracy" since tourist spots can be good places to hide. I picked Bennigans (which replaced another unique spot in the city, Jack Rose) since it was across the street from the theatre. After I finished dinner, I started to feel hot, dizzy, and faint. I went to the restroom to splash some water on my face and woke up on the floor. No clue how long I was out. I went back to my table and still wasn't feeling better 15 mintes later, so I decided to skip the show and went to the hospital instead. I went to Lenox Hill since it was closest to home. Big mistake (not that I know which emergency rooms are better). It was horrible. First, no one would help me. Finally a receptionist/nurse went over to the "reception" area. I made sure she was looking at me, and pretended to fall over to see if that would get me into the "emergency room" area. It did. I didn't feel badly about that as no one else looked like they were having a real emergency. She was the nastiest woman. Grabbed my arm and yelled at me to sit in a chair and not move. After about 45 minutes, I asked a doctor walking by if he knew how long it would take for someone to get around to me. He yelled at me too, and then went in the break room to hang out with the other employees. After about 90 minutes, I asked a nurse if I could get a cup of water. She said, "no" and then went to chat with a few other nurses. There were twice as many employees as there were patients, and no one would help me. After 2 hours, I started to feel slightly better and decided to just go home. I was scared to go to sleep since I didn't know how hard I hit my head (I hit my forehead, the top of my head, my tailbone, right elbow, and left leg- no clue what I hit in the restroom to do all that), so I had Andy call me every few hours during the night to wake me up make sure I was okay. The good things about Wednesday night: traffic was kind to me and my cell phone was working better than usual in my apartment.

Yesterday I made a doctor's appointment for today. My doctor is only in the city on Wednesdays (the rest of the time he's in Jersey), but he told me to see another doctor at his office here. I talked to this other doctor for a few minutes yesterday, and when I told him a little bit about my Lenox Hill experience, he said that he's heard some bad things about that place recently. And that used to be one of the best in the city.

So no "Democracy" for me Wednesday night. I went back to see it last night (rather than wait for the weekend) so I could have time to write the paper on it. Hated having to pay for it again since money is an issue for me right now, but I don't mind giving producers of this show extra money so maybe they're encouraged to put more of this stuff up.

I think it was a good production- not completely sure as I still wasn't feeling well last night (and I'm still not feeling well, more on that in a moment), but I'm assuming it was wonderful.

Slept on and off last night- didn't appreciate waking up so many times. I had weird dreams about Brie and driving all over Phoenix and being half naked in play analysis class (that last part sort of made sense after the conversations about women's bodies several of us had before yesterday's class).

The other doctor doesn't work at this office I went to, but he came into the city just to see me (wow). He got there just before my appointment and left when I did. There was no nurse or anyone available, so he did everything himself. That's the positive part about this. This doctor and my regular doctor make an effort to help people. They answer their phones, they come in when needed... So he did all the usual stuff and then gave me a Holter monitor to wear for 24 hours (it's a huge black box with various coloured wires attached that's supposed to fit like a money belt, but it's too big on me and it's hard to hold up- a cop stopped me on the street since he thought it was a bomb- after some harassing, I finally convinced him it was a medical device- I'm tired of being harassed by cops). If that comes back normal (which it probably will, as all my EKGs [the 2 in August and the one today] were fine), he'll refer me to a neurologist. The word "neurologist" makes me a little nervous, but I'm not too worried yet. I don't think about what ifs when it comes to my health. And even if one doctor tells me something that sounds scary, I still won't completely be worried until I get another opinion. So we'll see. My theory? I'm just really worn out. I need more down time in my life, and I don't know how to get that.

I'm still really behind on stuff. Still don't know what to do about most things in my life. I'll probably use a lot of my time in Hawaii in Janaury to think about that.

Jon and Michelle are coming up tomorrow since her brother's running in the marathon, but I won't be seeing much of them. It's good they'll be out most of the time (and good they're leaving their kids at home) so I can stay home and use what little energy I have to write 2 papers. Neither are due until the 15th, but next weekend is an auction, so I won't have any time to work on them then and during the week next week, I'll have to work on another paper, see the "Midsummer" production at school, plus all the usual stuff (work, classes, errands, finances, mail, cleaning...).

And right now? I'm starting to get a sore throat again, so I'll head to bed. Maybe I can get enough rest tonight to muster up enough energy to tackle the majority of the papers tomorrow.

More evidence for my theory that I fainted because I'm run down and not because of something more serious: I woke up with a nasty cold. After I finish a bit of cleaning so the apartment doesn't look too horrible when Jon and Michelle get here, I'm just going to rest today. I already emailed the play analysis instructor last night to see if I could get an extension on the paper due the 15th. Haven't heard back from him yet, but I don't see why he would say no (he's a nice guy). I forced myself to deal with half of the mail yesterday- the rest of it can wait (sort of). And I will do a little bit of work this afternoon, but that shouldn't take too long (it's just a little stressful- not at liberty to explain why).

I didn't want to wake up as early as I did, but there was drilling (construction on the Sutton Theatre), jackhammering (on 3rd), and honking (police blocked one side of my street this morning for some reason) going on. There was no way I could get back to sleep with all of that noise, so I just got up and started my day.

Maybe I'll actually watch a movie today. Or two. Or three. Hanging out on the couch watching movies sounds perfect. Maybe it'll be enough to make me feel better tomorrow to start getting productive again.

I watched Bill Maher last night, and Alan Simpson saying that Kerry lost the election because comedians and people in Hollywood make fun of conservatives is just ridiculous. What's the point of humour if you can't excercise it? Comedians make fun of EVERYONE. How many Clinton jokes did we have in the 90s (and still have now)? And Simpson was a creep in general for the few minutes he was on the show. And I've been wondering about voter fraud for a while now, and I thank Susan Surandon for mentioning it. I really don't like Andrew Sullivan, but he did say one thing that made sense. States rights- we should have them. And I love everything Bill Maher said at the end. Everyone should go to his site and read the transcript (if they ever put it up).

And for the record: I think people should believe whatever they want to believe as far as religion is concerned. Let them pick and choose their way through religious texts ("abortion is wrong but being a good Samaritan isn't that important" [how many people donate time and/or money to charitable organisations oe regularly help strangers?], "praying is good but stabbing people in the back is okay too" [just watch any Reality TV show]). But we're supposed to have freedom of religion. That means people can worship any religion or no religion, if they choose, and not have others interfere. If someone doesn't believe in gay marriage, then they shouldn't marry someone of the same sex. But why stop other people from marrying? What really bothers me is that the government is involved in these issues. Why stop people from doing things that aren't hurting anyone else just because it's decided that certain parts of the Christian bible (since other religious texts aren't important as far as politicians are concerned) is more important than other parts? Separation of church and state. Why can't we get that back? And it's all so illogical. A Christmas tree on the White House lawn is okay but the ten commandments in a courthouse is not okay. Capital punishment is okay but abortion is not okay (I'm especially nervous about the Supreme Court on this one). Being gay is okay (or at least no one's banning homosexuality... yet...) but gay marriage is not okay. Why can't we have reasonable, rational, logical people in this country (or at least reasonable, rational, logical people running the country)?

Jon and Michelle came up yesterday afternoon and left this evening. Didn't see them much as they had lots of social activities. Michelle's brother did very well in the marathon- 3 hours and 53 minutes.

I'm still really sick. And yet I still can't sleep more than 5-6 hours at night. This week is going to be busy, and I really wanted more sleep this weekend. At least I got some rest.

I'm feeling about 30% better. Still have a little fever and am dizzy from coughing and blowing my nose so much. But I don't feel as bad as I did over the weekend.

I had a dream last night that I was taking Laura's dance class at Sudbrook. I wasn't quite as awful as I usually am in my dreams, but of course I was nowhere near as good as I used to be. Paula and Laura were discussing how I really couldn't dance anymore. Then I was arguing with Harvey about work, travel, and digital cameras. Don't really remember that part, but I remember the combination across the floor in Laura's class exactly- chasse, pas de bouree, step step, tour jete.

I slept well until early this morning, when the traffic came piling in. I tried to go back to sleep, but there was just too much honking. Traffic was fairly quiet last night though. Maybe because of the street closings and lots of no street parking yesterday because of the marathon, not as many people drove in.

I seem to be having lighting issues right now. On Saturday, Jon was changing my hallway lightbulb for me (since I was too sick to play around with trying to reach something I can barely reach) and got the fixture jammed in the process (it's still jammed, haven't done anything about it yet, so no light yet). Then last night, my living room lamp was leaning against the wall shared with the apartment next to me, and someone in that apartment hit their wall so hard, the lamp fell over and crashed.

And another little issue? My Internet connection has been down since Saturday night (fortunately, the wireless connection works sporadically).

Tonight I have to see "Phantom" so I can write a paper on it tomorrow. I hate waiting until the last minute (especially on this, since I have no idea how to write this one), but it was more important to stay home and rest this weekend.

I hope I can make it through the next 2 weeks without too much illness. Today: classes and "Phantom". Tomorrow: work, clean, and write a paper. Wednesday: class and the "Midsummer" production at school. Thursday: classes and Neil, Maxine, & Abby arrive. Friday: work. Saturday: work. Sunday: catch up on school reading and personal stuff (errands, cleaning, laundry, travel arrangements...). The following Monday through Thursday I have classes every day since Tuesday follows a Thursday schedule (or something like that), so I'll have less time for everything else. Hopefully I can get a little rest the following weekend before I head up to Maine.

Speaking of Maine, Paula and Harvey are having a great experience there: efficient and helpful people, beautiful scenery, the moving process going smoothly... So nice to know that's going well for them, considering all the stupidity and chaos they have to deal with on a daily basis.

Happy birthday, Carole.

Another quiet night last night- I could get used to this. And traffic has been pretty reasonable today as well- amazing!

Feeling about 50% better now. Today, I called the doctor I saw last week, and he said my bloodwork was completely normal (he said he hasn't seen bloodwork this healthy in a long time- good to know). I told him I got sick again on Friday, and he agrees I'm probably just run down, but he still wants me to make an appointment with a neurologist next week and if the Holter monitor shows anything abnormal, then my heart is the problem (doubtful, as all my EKGs were fine) and I'll cancel the neurologist appointment. So I tried the first 2 neurologists he gave me and the earliest appointments they had were for January. I got a few more names and finally found one that could see me next week. So I'll leave class a little early next Thursday since that's the only time they could see me. What kind of tests do neurologists do besides MRIs and spinal taps? Hopefully there are others that are less invasive. Guess I'll find out next week. I'm actually looking forward to talking to him (hopefully he's good at what he does). I've noticed I get really dizzy when reading quickly. Scrolling across a few lines of a book or document makes me so dizzy that I have to stop for about 10 minutes (it's happening right now typing this)- I was reading for a while just before I fainted last week. So I'll mention that as well as the fact that I've been getting ocular migraines more often than I used to (even though I don't get them in relation to fainting or dizziness).

Yesterday, the visual elements instructor sprung a final exam on us. It came out of nowhere. It wasn't on the syllabus, and he's never mentioned it before. So now I'll have a final on the 23rd of December (on stuff in the book that we're supposedly reading but never discuss). It's so wrong to have a final this late. How are people supposed to get to their destinations for Christmas in time? You'd think this would be one of those things our current government would fight- having college finals so close to their important holiday that people couldn't get home in time for church. Earlier in the semester, I thought I got lucky when the instructor never said anything about a final and it wasn't on the syllabus. I'm really going through a heavy period of bad luck recently. So sometime soon, I'll have to rethink my time in Maryland and Virginia at the end of December. I won't be able to do everything, just need to figure out if I should do more of the things I have to do (see people I don't want to see but it's the right thing to do) or more of the things I want to do (spend more time visiting Andy). I enjoyed "Phantom" last night. It was the 7,000th performance (never been at a show for one of those announcements), and the show has really held up (though the woman who played Christine was really weak and everyone else was just average, but it's visually stunning- this is the only show I've ever said that about). See, I don't hate everything mainstream (for those who thought I did). But even with a ton of visual stuff to write about, what he wants covered in the paper doesn't really make it easy to do. I'm still not 100% sure about what I'm doing. I have pieces of it written, a ton of notes, and there it will sit until I get up early tomorrow morning to work on it some more (and I can finish it Friday morning if I don't finish tomorrow, since I'm not needed at the Four Seasons until later that afternoon).

Oh, and speaking of the Four Seasons, I'm pretty nervous about handling my work there with my current dizziness issue. Fortuantely, I think Matt will be available to help some of the time (maybe they'll be some phone bidders I can handle instead of him and he can take over at the computer). I'm so thankful Matt knows what he's doing.

Tomorrow night's the "Midsummer" production at school- so not looking forward to it.

About that last article: dealing with that yesterday was lovely. The 6 train was only running express and even then, it was running much slower than normal. Made trying to get around the city so much easier than it already is.

Last night and the night before, I had a dream that I wanted to take a picture of something. Last night, it was a huge road that was built like a roller coaster. I was a passenger in a car on it, and it was pretty scary- I wanted to take a picture of it after we landed. The night before, it was both something in London and something somewhere in Norway (I was a busy traveller in that dream). But I couldn't take a picture either night since Jon and Michelle had my camera. They really do have it in waking life. They borrowed it for the marathon and accidentally took it home with them. Guess I feel weird not having my camera with me since, except for a few exceptions (like when my camera broke or I ran out of film for a day or two), I've carried a camera with me every day for over 10 years. Can't believe I had dreams 2 nights about it though.

Saw "Midsummer" with Demi last night. It was about what I expected it to be. No clue how to write the paper for it though. I might have to go back and see it again (or at least Act I) next week.

Traffic was absolutely awful last night and is pretty obnoxious now too. With all the train issues here, I understand wanting to drive into the city (sort of), but do you have to honk so much? Remember, people live here.

Neil, Maxine, and Abby arrived today. They brought a video of Abby's dance recital. Very cute- and Abby did a good job.

My home phone is working, but it now has a new trick of taking some calls straight to voice mail without ringing first to let me know there's an incoming call. Guess I'll have to call RCN sometime next week. Or maybe I won't even bother. I get so few calls, and the ones I get usually aren't urgent.

I felt very faint this afternoon. I was sitting in play analysis class, and the instructor's voice started to sound really far away. Scary feeling. Fortunately, I made it through the class and made it home. I felt faint for several hours after that. But about an hour ago, I started to feel better, and I almost finished my paper (need to look over it and change some things, but that'll only take a few minutes- I'll do it tomorrow morning).

The next school issue? The theatre department has schedules for next semester available, and 3 out of the 4 classes I need are all offered at the same time. The 4th one isn't available at all. So that not only screws up my planned graduation time but my living arrangements as well. My lease is up at the end of next year. Don't know how extending it will work. I'll have to look into that at some point (maybe in January).

I have no heat in my bedroom (and it's FREEZING). No one is available to fix it until sometime after Monday. Why do things like this keep happening? When can I write about some good things?

I'm forcing myself to do this now because I won't have a chance to write again until Friday at the earliest. Yes, I have to get up early tomorrow, but 10-15 extra non-sleeping minutes won't make much difference.

Why do I have to get up so early? Because I have to go to the library to read a play before classes. Why didn't I read it today? Because the play was supposed to be in our anthology. Well, I must have a different edition, since the play is not in my book. And since the library is closed on the weekends, I'll have to leave early tomorrow to read it before tomorrow's class. And as for the articles at the library we're supposed to read for the rest of the week, I'll read those on Tuesday afternoon (missing the one for Tuesday's class) before seeing the production at school that night.

The auction was okay even though we were short on staff. Mike and Maureen were both too sick to work the first day, and Carl called in sick on Saturday. So Matt was too busy on the phones (fortunately his voice held up- he had a cold) to help me out. And except for a few times lasting a few minutes each, I wasn't feeling faint during the actual auction. Not having everyone there made things kind of crazy, but we made it. Now we're all more worn out than when we started.

Yesterday's issues: no cabs available when we needed them (we wound up not getting to our destination and changing plans to something much worse), no money @ ATMs (this is becoming more and more common), and no hot water (guess I didn't need a shower). Oh, and it was so cold in my room yesterday, the bottle of water I had in there stayed cold all day. At least tonight I can sleep in the living room. And maybe I'll get lucky and have the handyman fix the heat tomorrow. Neil got a taste of how difficult the city can be sometimes. He said, "nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live here."

I almost fainted in the shower tonight- that was scary. I'm not sure if I passed out for a few seconds or not.

Speaking of which, my trip to Maine is sort of up in the air. I was planning on driving, but I'm not sure if I should drive with the fainting issue (especially with my luck). I'll talk to the neurologist about it on Thursday, but if I can't drive, then I'll have to take the train to Boston and either have Harvey pick me up or meet Neil and Maxine somewhere in Boston and go up with them (although I probably couldn't get there early enough to do that). If that's the case, I won't be able to bring that much up with me, which means I won't be able to leave early and spend more time up there (sad, since I was looking forward to those extra traffic-free nights)- I'll have to leave on Thursday.

My cable modem is broken. RCN's coming on Friday to fix it. Wireless works for minutes or sometimes an hour at a time. And it doesn't work sometimes for minutes but sometimes for hours. Makes the 2 research projects I'm working on very difficult.

I finished my paper on "Phantom" (it's not great but good enough for an instructor who has no logic in his grading), but I'm having a really tough time with my play analysis paper. I'm doing a practical analysis on "The Bald Soprano" from a director's point of view, but I keep trying to turn it into a critical analysis. Not on purpose. It's just really difficult to write a paper like this on this particular play. It's so hard to make choices based soley on this text. I probably should have picked something of a different style (like Realism) and waited to do the critical analysis paper on this one, but too late now. I'll talk to him tomorrow to see if he has any suggestions on how to focus on direction and not let the critical stuff creep in (as it keeps doing if I don't consciously stop it). So far, I do have a few good ideas, but they don't give me very much to work with. This one is making the structural analysis paper seem easy (actually that one did come fairly easily for me- it was just time consuming).

Just to give an example of my busy schedule, here's Monday's schedule (every day is about this pace- that's why it's a problem when unforseen things happen, like waiting 30 minutes for a train or waiting 20 minutes for an elevator or having a broken cable modem):
6:00-9:00 - work
9:00-9:15 - go to ATM
9:45: 10:15 - print paper
10:15-10:45 - check out plays at library
10:45-12:45 - read play
1:00-2:30 - class
2:30-2:45 - check theatre advisor's hours and get spring schedule
2:45-3:00 - get ticket for school show
3:00-4:00 - class
4:00-4:30 - talk to instructor about paper
4:30-5:30 - go to drug store
5:30-6:30 - clean
6:30-10:30 - work
10:30-11:00 - cut hair
11:00-1:00 - deal with mail and email

I've gotten to the point where I get upset whenever anyone mentions something fun they did or will be doing. Even if it's just taking a morning walk in the woods or checking out an exhibit at a museum. I miss having free time. Again, I could think about factory workers who work 16 hours a day, 6 days a week, but as no one I know is in that situation and everyone's idea of busy is juggling work, family, and a social life, that's how I compare my life. Most people I know have time to watch a movie on the weekend or meet a friend for coffee. My free time is spent taking care of bills or doing laundry, and if I do take the time for something less productive (like meet a friend for coffee), I have to find extra time (almost always taken away from sleeping time) for the necessary things like bills and laundry. If I can get up to Maine before Thursday, I'm going to take all of that Thursday off and do nothing but spend time with family and maybe take a drive somewhere and/or read a book of my choosing (maybe even watch a little football with Neil). Maybe that will be refreshing enough to help me through all the nonsense I deal with on a daily basis.

I love George Carlin's "Airline Announcements". I was just thinking about it yesterday (when Jeff mentioned George Carlin), and Launch did me a favour and played it tonight. They always play my favourites the first time I listen each month (also got to hear Loreena, Tull [they usually don't even play them at the beginning of the month for me], Yaz, and Floyd)- the rest of the month I get mostly crap.

I know I said I wasn't going to write again until Friday, but I had a few minutes and wanted to get those articles up there, especially after what just happened on my way home. I just barely crossed my intersection and avoided getting hit by a limo. Instead, the limo flew through the intersection and hit a car that was stopped in a long line of traffic. And then there's the fact that trucks make it impossible for pedestrians to cross 59th- they start to turn and then sit in the middle because they can't move forward since traffic is so backed up. There's no way to walk around all of them, so I had to cross Lex and then cross back again at 58th. And Lex has the narrowest sidewalks and the most amount of people standing on them (groups of friends hanging out, people handing out fliers, people collecting money, Falun Gong demonstrations...). This is getting obnoxious.

The other obnoxiousness of the day? Our lovely visual elements instructor decided to randomly assign a ton of reading today for tomorrow's class. When will I read that? Guess tomorrow will be another very early morning.

But in somewhat good news, I've only felt faint a few brief times so far today.

I tried to get a ticket today for the "Midsummer" production for tomorrow night, but they are sold out every night. So I'll try to get on the waiting list tomorrow night, and if that doesn't work, maybe there's a place I can stand that's out of the actors' way so I can at least watch the first act. I really have no clue what to write in this paper and seeing the lighting one more time would probably be helpful.

So here's tomorrow's schedule:
6:00-8:00 - read lighting chapters
8:00-12:00 - work
1:00-2:30 - class
2:30-3:00 - lunch
3:00-4:00 - class
4:00-4:30 - talk to theatre advisor (convenient that she has office hours at this time)
4:30-7:30 - read articles on reserve at library
7:30-8:00 - get on waiting list for show
8:00-10:30 - see show? if not, come home and work
11:00-2:00 - work

Okay, time to clean.

I decided I needed a break, so I thought I'd write now rather than tomorrow, which will be busier than originally expected (more on that in a minute).

The theatre advisor wasn't there during her office hours on Tuesday, so I had to rearrange my schedule to get there early yesterday to talk to her. During her office hours, she was in a meeting the whole time. This is the kind of thing that makes things more difficult- rearranging things to schedule something else in and then have that thing not work out. So I don't think I'll be able to talk to her before I have to register for classes (or register for class, singular, since I don't know what other options I have to take other classes I need). I sent her an email already, but her reply didn't answer my questions at all, so I really wanted to talk to her in person. This is so frustrating.

"Midsummer" has gotten a little better (I managed to get on the waiting list on Tuesday and got in to see it that way). Still don't think I have much to write about for the paper though. I have a little time to figure out that one; I'm more concerned with the practical analysis paper that I need to do this weekend- haven't thought anymore about it and I'm going to be exhausted while working on it.

Part of my tooth that was growing in broke off this week (didn't notice when it actually happened). Fortunately, it doesn't really bother me- I don't need more things to deal with.

I called my doctor yesterday to see if they had the results of the Holter monitor. They didn't, but he called back later to tell me that the results finally came in and they were questionable. He told me to make an appointment with a cardiologist as soon as possible (he alerted someone to let them know I'd be calling and to make an appointment available). Scary words, but he said there wasn't real cause for alarm. I called this morning, and the receptionist said they could squeeze me in on Friday morning at 8:00. I was originally planning on sleeping in tomorrow morning since I can't remember the last time I got to do that, but she told me 8 times how lucky I was that the cardiologist was willing to do a favour for my doctor and come in early, so that's when I'll be going.

The neurologist appointment today was a waste of time. I waited an hour and 15 minutes for a 2 minute appointment. First the nurse asked me a few questions and then sent the doctor in (he took about 45 minutes to get there). He asked me 3 questions and didn't listen to my answers, checked my reflexes, and checked my eyes (and had no clue that my left eye issue was a defect and not an accident caused later in life- I thought neurologists would have more knowledge about eyes). He also thought the birthmark on my face was a scratch from when I fell or something. And that was it- it took 2 minutes. He told me that the problem is probably my heart, and I should just go to the cardiologist. I asked him about driving to Maine, and he said he would advise against it but to ask the cardiologist. He said he also wanted to do an MRI, and to call tomorrow morning to schedule one for sometime next week. I figured that would be one of the things that would have been done today. When I said so, he called the lab and asked if there were any available slots for me, and they said no. So I asked if I could schedule one for tomorrow while I was there rather than wait to call tomorrow morning since tomorrow would be the only time I could get there before the week after Thanksgiving (unless I can't get up to Maine), and he said I should just call first thing tomorrow morning and try to get an appointment then. So I'll bring their number with me to the cardiologist's so I can call right after I get out of there.

I'm so irritated I wasted so much time there today with everything else going on. I'm still behind on a lot of things, got kicked off a project because I had to schedule all these appointments which wound up interfering with the work, and I really could have used those extra hours this afternoon to at least do some little things like catch up on email, read the long articles on Beckett for play analysis, see about fixing the light in my hallway, and/or exchange something for Neil that they didn't have time to do when they were here.

And I had to cancel the RCN appointment for tomorrow. Fortunately, I could reschedule for Sunday, with the window being 8-5 (good thing I can stay home all day). Can't wait to have a full-time Internet connection again. It's so frustrating having this spotty connection. Every time I find a useful site for a project on which I'm working, I click on it and my connection drops out for an hour or so.

I'm so sick of US Air. I've tried 4 or 5 times now to get my miles redeposited into my account from a flight I cancelled that I booked with miles (I cancelled the flight already, I just want the miles back), and they make it next to impossible. My favourite response from them was via email. I had sent an email with the flight information and my Dividend Miles account number and asked for the miles to be redeposited. They replied, "To redeposit an unused, unexpired electronic award ticket, please contact the Dividend Miles Service Center by phone at 336-661-8390 or by email to [email protected]." That's what I did, you idiots. I finally took the time to call again tonight, and they are only available until 6:30 EST. Guess I'll call tomorrow with all my spare time.

Can I write about anything good that's happened this week? Well, Launch actually opened with Tull's "Budapest" tonight. That was a nice surprise (of course it reminded me that I won't be going to their show in Albany tomorrow night like originally planned). And the bus I took home for the neurology appointment showed up within a few minutes (of course then it sat in traffic for waaaaaay too long and I wound up getting off early and walking the rest of the way).

I'm really getting used to only bad things happening and good things being taken away. So what if Andy didn't come up this weekend or that I might not get to Maine or that I won't have enough time in Maryland in December to take care of things I have to do and still have some rest time? And who cares that Hunter makes it next to impossible to graduate or that companies I work for don't pay me or that I have some sort of health issue? In some ways, I honestly don't care anymore. I made it through my completely horrible 1997 and then had a nice September '97-February '98, and I keep waiting for that turn around this time. Every day I wake up thinking that this will be the day that my luck will turn around- one of these days, I'll be right. But when will that be? I don't really care about that anymore either. It'll happen when it happens, and I give up trying to make it happen. Nothing I do does any good- things just keep getting worse. I'm still holding onto the theory that the only thing physically wrong with me is that I'm run down and upset about life. I keep thinking that when things turn around, my fainting issues will go away. This has just been a ridiculously obnoxious year since March (with a few good days here and there), and things have to turn around at some point (although I'm not sure about how that can happen in the big picture, just the little picture). The way I know I'm not in a complete depression? I made it through reading Beckett's "Endgame" today without feeling the need to kill myself ;)

About that last article: here's a perfect example of why conservatism in certain things is just wrong. And it's not just the definition of marriage issue, as this headline suggests. In fact, that's the least of the problems. It's the not learning about STDs and birth control that is much more of a problem.

I went to the cardiologist yesterday, and he said I had a very strong and healthy heart (minus a little leaky valve which 40-50% of people have and the only precaution with it is you're supposed to take an anti-biotic one day before going to the dentist), and my heart was definitely not the cause of my fainting. He agrees with my original theory of my being run-down as the cause. And he told me it was fine to drive to Maine since I have warnings before I faint and can pull over and lie down if necessary. So I'll be going to Maine- good news, finally. I just need to figure out how to not be so busy (I've already eliminated most non-urgent things in my life- don't know what else I can do) and stop things from going badly (I believe this is impossible). And then in January, I'm going to rethink my whole life (mainly work related). Don't think I'll really get anywhere, but at least I'll have time to think about it then, and maybe I'll figure out some other things in the process.

I did finally get to talk to someone at US Air, and they informed me that to get my miles back, they would charge a $75 fee. I decided it wasn't worth it and will just accept the lost miles.

I've definitely had it with people giving advice. Certain people seem to think that advice is one-size-fits-all. Or people who think they know what a problem is just by listening to 2 sentences on a subject when I've spent hours trying to figure things out. I'm so tired of listening to simplistic things that people think is the problem or the perfect solution to a problem. Like I haven't already thought of 100 other possibilities. I've now yelled at 3 people in the past 2 weeks for doing this (all 3 were related to my health issue- none of these people know much about the medical field). I've really lost my patience. I never yell at people- especially people I don't know that well. I just can't deal with more than a few minutes of listening before I lose it.

I'm 90% finished my analysis paper. I need to reread and edit, but I've read most of it so many times already, it's all sounding like nonsense (which would be funny for a paper on this play, but I guess the instructor wouldn't think so). So I'll look at it again tomorrow from a fresh perspective.

But with that mostly finished, I'll have some free time tomorrow. I'll even get a chance to spend some long distance time with Andy.

I really don't have much to say, but the Times has some interesting and some important articles today, and I wanted to put them up.

I finished my paper. I also cleaned the apartment and have started getting things organised for Maine. I'm 80% back to feeling on top of things. This is the first weekend I've been home (without a high fever) in a long time, and it's been going smoothly, for the most part. RCN just brought my cable modem, I finally figured out how to finish up a work project, and I've managed to get 7 hours of sleep for each of the past 2 nights (even with the super-obnoxious traffic last night). I'm going to try to get 7 hours again tonight, but it'll probably be more like 5 or 6, depending on what time I can fall asleep.

Finally having some sleep and having most things go smoothly this weekend has put me in a better mood. Plus, I'm really looking forward to Maine. I didn't even have trouble finding music for the drive up (for the past few years, it's been difficult finding any music I want to bring with me on a trip). It's a good mix- Weimarband, Tori, Tull, Fairport, Joe Zawinul, Emmet Swimming, Tom Lehrer, a few musicals, a few compilations... Anyway, maybe I just needed to stop fighting to make things better and accept misery to have things start to improve? Or maybe it's just that things usually go more smoothly at home than out in the world and things will be worse tomorrow? Who knows? In the meantime, I'll enjoy my good mood.

Last night's good news: the traffic quieted down around 10:00 and remained quiet (other than a few short noisy points)!
Last night's bad news: Andy couldn't hang out- our free time never seems to coincide. So instead I spent my free time reading the news and other random things online. It was amazing to have free time.

Today's going to be soooo busy. Hopefully I can get in bed early and fall asleep within 2 hours. I need to get up really early tomorrow to head to Maine. It's a longer ride than I thought, and since it gets dark so early (and I can't drive at night- so frustrating), I need to leave earlier than originally planned.

But I'm really looking forward to being there. I don't want to get my hopes up too much, but it's hard not to- no traffic, staying across the street from a tidal river in a national park, doing work in a local cafe, driving on back roads... I think I've gotten to the point where I'm looking forward to it but also will accept everything going wrong as well.

And now I'm getting an ocular migraine. Better today than tomorrow.

I'm tired of ranting without any hope of change. I want to help make change. Don't know how I'm going to do that yet (or with what time I'll be doing that), but Paula and I (she wants to be a part of the change as well) are going to give it some thought over Thanksgiving weekend. I've never been an activist. I've always thought that helping individuals was more important than helping groups or causes. But this regressive nature of our country is bothering me enough to want to do something about it.

I felt faint on and off today. Hopefully I got that and the ocular migraine out of my system, and I'll have a smooth trip tomorrow.

I'm back.

The drive up was wonderful once I got out of the city. There wasn't too much traffic, I had good music, and I was in a great mood. I felt like I was a character in some movie, heading home to New England for a WASP-y Thanksgiving holiday.

The good mood continued once I got to Paula and Harvey's house. I spent some time exploring the house and yard. Highlights were: an old wagon wheel, a gazebo, and a tombstone from the 1700s in the yard, the little holes in the wall of the old basement (where you can hide chopped up dead bodies), the attic, figuring out where all the staircases lead (I still don't know where everything is- there are a lot of rooms), pictures and posters of the historic aspects of the house (old maps of the town, the portrait of the Ichabod Goodwin (governor of New Hampshire in the 1850s) from when he lived in the house, the poster from when a tour was given of the house...), and the window seat in the great room.

In the evening, I went with Paula and Harvey to do a little grocery shopping. That was amazing! We went to this little area on Route 1 that has a small organic grocery store, a bakery, a fish market, and a homemade pasta shop all in walking distance of one another. No supermarket chain or Wal-Mart in site! There are areas with chains (like the outlets in Kittery) and tacky shops near the popular beach areas (most are only open in the summer), but there aren't many and there are plenty of unique things- more than I've seen in any other small town in this country.

The highlight of Tuesday though was the clear night sky. I was able to see stars! Too many to count! After food shopping, we went to the beach for a few minutes. The almost full moon reflected on the water and looking away from the bright moon, I could see tons of stars. There wasn't a soul in site (Paula and Harvey went back to wait in the car after a minute or two, so I had the beach to myself). It was incredible!!!!! I so deserved a day like this!

Wednesday, I went to do some school reading at the bakery on Route 1 (they had a seating area in the back). On my way in, I overheard 2 men having an intellectual conversation on the porch of the shop- so nice to hear a conversation not about pop culture or mundane personal activities. And people know how to do their jobs in this area. At home, I'll go into a shop and ask what kind of croissants they have, and they'll shrug and point to the pile of them (I can see the croissants you idiot, I just want to know what's inside of them). At the bakery on Route 1, the woman working there knew exactly what they had for sale.

That afternoon I got some work done, took a walk by the river across from Paula and Harvey's (it's such a beautiful area), and went to the bookstore in town. The bookstore was perfect. It was small, had a lot of local books (and an eclectic mix of every other subject), a cafe, a wonderful woman running it (Amy), and some interesting customers. Amy, 2 customers, and I had a nice political conversation (we're all in agreement about the state of this country), I offered Amy some advice on running her business (she's very anti-Wal-Mart and is trying to organise a downtown business alliance), and I listened to the 2 customers talk about helping each other on various projects. What a wonderful town filled with great people.

It was pouring when I left the bookstore, so I went back to the house for the rest of the day/night.

That night, after doing some more work, I found some old playbills (from shows I was in and shows I saw) and notebooks from my past. The playbills were fun to go through to see how many times I worked with certain people or saw them in other shows- often I didn't realise I knew someone before I thought I knew them (I was in shows with some people and thought I was meeting them for the first time, when in fact, I had been in another show with them some years before- wouldn't have known that without looking back at these things). The notebooks were fun too. I used to be so much more creative. And I used to write some really good stuff (maybe if I have some time next time I'm there, I'll type up the highlights and put them up on this site). And since enough time has passed since a lot of the awful stuff happened that I wrote about in the notebooks, I was able to read everything without caring too much. I really went through a lot of nonsense though. Mostly involving people who treated me horribly- 99% of the people I've known are really nasty. But I had some good times too, and it was fun remembering those details.

Even though my mood was happy/ecstatic/content on Tuesday and Wednesday and I'm completely over my cold, I still felt faint on and off. Maybe the cause is more serious than just being run down. Or maybe it takes more than a few good days to recover from being run down. I'm going to call this week about getting an MRI done just to make sure I can rule out any brain problems.

Neil, Maxine, and Abby arrived early Thursday afternoon. It was frustrating having to work on Thursday and Friday when everyone else was off (even Harvey took both days off). Thursday was fun though while not working (taking a walk, playing with Abby...). I even managed to be in a good mood all day (except for a few minutes during my 2 least favourite Thanksgiving subjects- overeating and poor health)- think that was a first for Thanksgiving.

Thursday night, I read some more old notebooks. It was again too cloudy for star viewing (and too cold and windy to stay out for long anyway).

Friday didn't start out too great but got better later in the day. In the morning, I wound up ditching my work and following everyone to a couple antique stores and the beach (there wasn't room in the car for all of us and I needed to leave earlier than them to get back to work anyway). I didn't like the stores (didn't see anything of interest) or the beach (I don't like beaches- if it's a pretty night and not too many people are around, I can enjoy it for a few minutes- otherwise, I'm not a beach person). Then I went to pick up something at a grocery store and almost fainted while waiting in line. I eventually felt better but figured I should head back rather than do anything else. I was also tired, needed to spend some time being productive, and needed to use the restroom. Got back to their house (after they had left to go back home, or so I thought), and they were not there (nor were they answering their cell phones). I didn't have a key, so I drove to the bookstore to use their restroom and read the local paper while waiting for everyone to get home. Turns out they had gone out to lunch before heading home.

But Friday afternoon was productive. I got some work done and managed to write my "Midsummer" paper (with a little help from both Paula and Harvey- that was wonderful, having help- a few suggestions and I was able to write the whole paper in one sitting [after some organising at various times before that]).

And Friday night, the sky was clear again, so I took a quick trip (it was still really cold, and I wasn't dressed warmly enough) down to the river to see some stars and the full moon reflecting on the water. This area is really wonderful. Clean air, small businesses, lots of water, not a lot of traffic... So happy I got to see for myself why Paula and Harvey love it so much.

The other amazing thing about where they live is the quiet. I was able to fall asleep every night without listening to any kind of noise (other than the strong winds on Wednesday night- but that was a nice sound). I didn't sleep long hours any night (about 5 hours each night), but I had good sleep and woke up refreshed every morning except Friday (but I had an intense Thursday night, so that made sense). Not having such hectic days helped too.

I didn't want to leave yesterday. I hope I can find a long weekend when I'm not too busy sometime next year (maybe Easter weekend?) to go back. There were so many other things I wanted to do- spend some time in quaint Portsmouth (love that town), take a longer walk by the river, visit some historic houses (if they're open), and go to some kind of event (I saw ads for lots of interesting events- Celtic & folk music concerts, theatre, one-night classes...).

The drive home was fine until I hit the New York border. I expected traffic getting closer to the city; I did not expect it as soon as I left Connecticut. As soon as I saw the "Welcome to New York" sign, the traffic slowed to a dead stop. From there, we crawled at a stop and go pace toward the Henry Hudson Bridge. As soon as I was on West Side Highway around 79th, we came to a complete stop. It took 45 minutes to get from there to the exit at 56th. Amazingly, it didn't take too long to get across 57th. But to welcome me home, as soon as I pulled up to my building, the traffic started honking non-stop. After dropping my stuff off, returning the car and taking the bus back home went very quickly. And I'm so lucky it didn't rain on either of my long drives.

Now I'm back to chaos (broken cordless phone, no heat in my bedroom [I wish they'd fix the problem rather than just keep doing whatever they've been doing when they come to "fix" the heat], a ridiculous amount of trafic...).

I had a weird ocular migraine experience yesterday. I almost got one while driving, but it went away before it really started. Then it almost came back later in the evening but went away quickly that time too. Then I got a full fledged one later at night. It lasted at least 2 hours and a headache came along with it. Wound up getting in bed early and fell asleep eventually after listening to the obnoxious traffic.

Christmas shopping and why I don't like it: First of all, I'm terrible at figuring out what people will like, and if I do think of something, there's a good chance they have it already. To solve the what-if-they-already-have-it problem, I'll go to stores that I know they can't go to and might have things they can't find elsewhere. But then I still have the what-will-they-like problem. I just don't know what people like, specifically. I'd love to get someone something that they'll like, not just have them say "thanks" and not know what to do with whatever it is. But rarely do I come up with something. Do other people have this much of a problem? Then there's the whole concept of consumerism that bothers me. I often have trouble coming up with gift ideas because people have so much already. What's one more thing? They don't need it and often don't really want it. Why can't everyone send out lists of things they'd been wanting? Then at least we could know the gift will be well received. I'm lucky that a lot people in my life don't really do gifts- none of my friends and not much of my family are gift-givers. If I see something Paula will like, I'll get it and give it to her whenever that happens. But it doesn't happen always happen on Christmas or her birthday exactly (this summer I used my Starwood hotel points to get her a Saks gift certificate, which she liked). When I got season tickets to the opera, I let Harvey pick one of my choices so he could go with me as a present- it was a random thing that worked out. Rebecca and I have gotten each other gifts on occasion, but nothing regularly (I saw a Koala pin a few months ago, so I sent it to her, which cheered her up, and once I gave her my free Southwest ticket since I didn't want to fly that airline more than I had to and I knew she could put it to good use- so that was another random occasion). I like it better that way. The pressure of having to come up with something for every birthday and every Christmas is awful. And if one year, I can't find anything to get someone, they shouldn't get upset. It's not that I don't want to give them something, it's just that I can't come up with anything (if they told me some of the things they'd like, I'd gladly get it for them). And I do nice things for people throughout the year- doesn't that mean more than a generic product received at the same time as other generic products that they don't have room for in their house so they have to put some of their older generic products in storage (is anyone else amazed at the number of storage unit places opening up all over suburban America)?

Launch added some music recently. How do I know? Because they're playing many artists they've never played and some songs I like that I know they didn't have before. And they're playing some of my favourites that they've played before too. Happy music day!

My neighbours are enjoying music today too. I hear it pounding obnoxiously through my living room wall.

It's foggy and rainy today. A good day to stay in and take care of things around the apartment. It's been productive so far.

Traffic was quiet last night!

I took the time to put up my Zurich pictures yesterday. Now I need to find some time to put up my pictures from Maine and a few random ones from around here (hopefully I can get it done in the next 2 weeks).

I registered for classes this morning. They wound up changing the time for the lighting class (since the instructor couldn't teach that and visual elements at the same time- can't believe they originally scheduled him to teach 2 classes at the same time- do they think he has access to a Time Turner?), so I could register for that (which means I'll get to deal with Ian again) and the 3rd World Theatre class (someone new is teaching this one- I'm not getting my hopes up). Getting to register early worked out! I also registered for yoga, which I may or may not take (I've never liked yoga, but I thought it might be useful to try again). Now I just have one more semester to worry about scheduling problems. My time as an undergradate is really winding down (finally). Next semester I'll have to start doing all the little things I've been putting off (getting credit for a foreign language, making sure I jumped through all their hoops so I can definitely graduate...). And what will I do with this oh so useful degree? That's what I'll continue to look into over the next few months. What I've seen so far doesn't look promising at all, but maybe I'll get lucky.

I got an A- on my "Bald Soprano" paper. I liked the way that one turned out. Now it's time to start thinking about the critical analysis paper (I'm leaning toward writing on something contemporary and controversial- maybe something by Neil LaBute or David Hare). And speaking of papers, we still have no idea if Ian will give us a final research paper or a final exam. I wish he'd make up his mind already, so I know how my time in MD will work out. I forgot to think about that over Thanksgiving weekend- I guess I'll wait to see if we'll really have a final on the 23rd before trying to organise anything specific.

I'm exhausted, so I'm going to try to fall asleep soon and get up really early. Tomorrow's a run-all-over-the-city day.

Can't believe how many buildings are being torn down in my neighbourhood (within a few blocks). I've never seen so many at once (or heard so much jackhammering at once). And yet there is still no media attention.

Glad I called about scheduling an MRI appointment today. I called and they told me that they already scheduled one for tomorrow at 2:30. I told her that time wouldn't work for me, and she told me I had to call the place for where it was scheduled to change the time. So I called this other place and they said they were completely booked for the next 3 weeks. So I'll be going tomorrow afternoon, and then I'll have a follow-up appointment with the neurologist a week from tomorrow. I can't believe they scheduled the thing without telling me. What if I didn't call until Thursday? I'd probably have to pay for the appointment I missed even though I knew nothing about it. But fortunately I called today. But unfortunately, I'll miss another play analysis class. But fortunately I won't miss a visual elements class since Ian would be less forgiving of a missed class (last week he told us if we missed more than 1 class, he would drop our grade and if we missed more than 2, we should consider dropping the class- I already missed 1 class, but a lot of people have missed more). And fortunately I'm not out of town. Still can't believe they scheduled an appointment without my knowledge. Is that common?

Okay, time to reorganise my schedule to change things around because of the appointments (annoying, since I just spent an hour organising my schedule last night) before running around the city (from the Upper East Side to Williamsburg). This is going to be a super-busy week.

Getting on the bus this morning, the driver welcomed me aboard. Nothing like an unexpected greeting to change a bus-riding experience. Ever since reading about Brecht and reading a lot of absurdist plays recently, I've started noticing things more than I already do. It's sort of a meta-life experience, or something.

Sometimes I wonder if my being so conscious of everything all the time is the cause of my fainting.

Other times I wonder if it's because of how fast I move my eyes when reading, looking around, etc.

I didn't make it to Williamsburg today. I wound up taking the time to go to the Union Square and Grand Central holiday markets instead. Now a few people can be crossed of my Christmas gift list (and I got a house warming gift for Brian and Rebecca as well- a couple unique picture frames by a local artist). But I mostly got generic gifts like candles for work people. The markets have the same stuff at every booth (jewellery, gloves/scarves, ornaments, soap, candles). So the main people I have to get gifts for I still need to work on. I really hate this.

The Seinfeld DVD promotions are getting on my nerves. It even made its way onto Jeopardy tonight with categories like "Festivus", "The Contest", and "No Soup for You". And speaking of Jeopardy, Ken finally lost! Glad I got to watch that happen.

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