MAY

I have to remember to pay rent today. I've never lived in an apartment complex where I was the one who paid the rent so I'm really bad at remembering. Usually I live in an individual's apartment, who I see every day, so I automatically remember to give them rent on the 1st. Or I've lived in a complex but my name isn't on the lease so I didn't personally give the office the rent check. It's just hard to remember to go to the office with a check every month. I don't know why it's so hard for me to remember. I have a "Rent" magnet on my fridge so I put a note to pay rent under that magnet. Cute idea; doesn't help me remember to go to the leasing office. At least I have more of a chance remebering today since I go work out today, and it's right next to the office. Of course, now that I'm writing about this all morning, I should remember with no problem :)

Today I hope to get more stuff done for my trip (call the Post Office, get the mailing address of my credit card company so I can make payments before getting the statement since I'll go over my limit in around 2 weeks), write up the self evaluation for my speech, take out the trash, work out, AND PAY RENT!

It finally feels like school is winding down for the semester. Now that I gave my final speech, there's not much left. I just have to introduce Dallas' speech, have a computer final, and a French final (who knows when, where, and how though). We had an interesting French class the other day. Not that it was really a French class. I don't think I learned a word of French. We had a history lesson. Everything from the fall of Rome, to Gothic architecture, to what defines the Middle Ages. We also learned a bit of Latin and German. This man is amazing. He knows so much about everything. I would love to take him to Europe with me as my tour guide. But he makes a lousy French teacher. Also, before the semester is over, I have to take a reading and math placement exam. Hopefully the reading one I'll do so well on that I won't have to take the Critical Reading class which sounds like a waste of time. And the Math... well, first I'm going to talk to an advisor to see what they recommend. I want to take the beginning Math class so I might not need the placement test. The problem is that if I take that, then I have 3 other Math classes I meed to take before I can take the one that's required. I don't have 4 semesters in which I can take Math. I HATE MATH!!!! After I get that sorted out, I have to register for summer classes. I'll probably be taking Math and History (if it works with my schedule). In the fall there's a Sensation & Perception class available. It sounds fascinating but it's offered at a lousy time. It's on Monday & Wednesday. I usually like to take all of my classes on two days so I don't have to drive to Scottsdale every day. So if I go on Monday & Wednesday, then the rest of the classes I have to choose from are limited for those days. I guess I'll probably have to go 4 days a week in the fall. UGH!!!!!! I don't want to drive 25 miles each way, 4 days a week, in HEAVY traffic.

I got a panic attack tonight for the first time in years (and I have absolutely no idea why). I never got them that often (once or twice in a month and then none for a year) but they were always really bad. I'm still feeling a little shakey but I wanted to write anyway. I wanted to see what my writing would be like while I'm in this state. But now that I'm here- I guess the ritual of connecting to the Internet calmed me down some and I don't know what to write.

Well Rebecca wanted to know my schedule for the next few months and suggested I put it on my web site. I thought... why not?
May 13- fly to BWI
May 13-17- Towson, MD (Sheraton)
May 17-20- NY
May 20-June7- Towson, MD (Ellen)
June 7-11- NY
June 11-26(?)- Baltimore, MD (Eytan)
June 26(?)30- Christiansburg, VA and Knoxville, TN (Josh)
June 30-July3- Baltimore, MD (Eytan)
Those aren't 100% but they're as definite as they can be. I'll probably be driving out to Frederick one of those weekends.

I had fun at work today. It was Monday so we went out in the field to audit papers. I got sent out to Cave Creek with Dean. I'd only been to Cave Creek once and it was a while ago so it was nice to see that area again. It's so much calmer and cooler than Phoenix. Dean lives there so he gave me a mini tour of Cave Creek and Carefree before we went to the site. He was a great tour guide! He's a really nice guy; likes to talk about his family a lot. I know ALL about his 14 year old son's life (and a little bit about his daughter who, on May 13, will graduate from Virginia Tech ). He was in the Coast Guard most of his life so he's lived all over the US. I've been to my fair share of places too so we talked a lot about the places we've lived. We've shared two places now. Phoenix and Columbia, MD. We even lived there at the same time (1991-92).

I think I'm experiencing brain-overload. I'm trying to remember something and my brain is forcing the thought away like a baby shoving the food back in it's mother's face. I had a really cool thought today while driving to work and I can't remember it. It was something about why people think a certain way, but... oh, forget it!

Dean reminds me of Rick Brown who was in "Anything Goes" with me at Heritage Players . They have the same walk, same tone of voice, and they sort of look alike. I asked him if he had any relatives on the east coast, and he said no. Anyway, I remember after Rick learned some choreography, he would rush off to go practice and then ask me how it looked (since I was known as the expert dancer, which I always found amusing). He had this unusual walk and the same moves came out in his dancing. So I casually mentioned it. Later I heard that he never noticed before I mentioned it and that now that's all he notices and that I gave him a hip complex. Geez, I didn't mean to. So, I will not let history repeat itself. I will not tell Dean anything about the way he walks. Besides, he might think I'm hitting on him and we wouldn't want him to think that!

I finally trimmed my hair today. I'd been needing to do that for a few weeks now. I don't think I'm quite finished but at least I did the majority of it. I think there's a few hairs in the back that need to be fixed. It's so hard to reach the back of your hair when your hair's not long.

I feel like writing tonight. Just don't know what to write. I can't believe I'm leaving so soon. It doesn't feel real yet. It probably won't until I'm packing and going to the airport. I wonder if I'll get a movie on my flight. Sometimes US Air has movies on the flight to Phili and sometimes they don't (who makes these decisions and WHY DON'T THEY MAKE SENSE?). I don't care how bad the movie is as long as it helps pass a few hours. I can never seem to read on planes anymore. That's all I used to do and now it gives me a headache after 20 minutes. There's no logical reason for that so I try to ignore it thinking it won't happen "this time". I do it almost every time and I always get the headache. So, I can't read, I can't write, I can't sleep. What does that leave? THE MOVIE! When there's no movie, I just sit there in silence and think. Once in a while I'll doze off for a few minutes. And these flights are only for 4-5 hours. I don't know what I'll do when I go overseas. I haven't had to worry about it since I've been getting these headaches. See, I'll have to learn to read.

I should probably think about stopping this and maybe get ready to get to sleep. I'm not tired at all but it's almost 1:00AM and I have to get up early tomorrow. If I get into bed now, I might fall asleep by 3:00. My brain is really screwy tonight. It's tired of thinking but not tired of thinking. When I want to think of something, it won't. When I want to relax, it starts thinking 5 things at once. It's like a little Gremlin is in there trying to drive me crazy.

Maybe I should put on some music. I just loaded up Napster . I put it on random play. It's playing Dave Matthews- "Dancing Nancies". This song reminds me of Eytan. Perhaps because he forced me to listen to it every time I was over his place (and on the juke box, and on a friend's stereo, and in the car on the way somewhere[probably to a theatre]). It is a great song. I know Eytan likes it for the message and I do to but it's the guitar on this song that I really like. Oh weird, it's now playing another Dave Matthews song- "Little Thing", on "Live at Luther College" - the album with Tim Reynolds.

Now I miss Eytan. I miss hanging out at coffee houses like Louie's and Mill Mountain. I miss going to see shows with him. I miss driving to random destinations. And going to another city and watching him read guide books non-stop looking for what we were going to do, what we should do, and what we could do (but probably won't). I miss acting goofy with him at 2:00AM in his apartment when he really wanted to go to sleep 3 hours before that. I miss hearing him talk with his made up words (like when he tells me that he's going to take a Shisher). I love you Eytan. I can't wait to see you! WOW! Another coincidence! Now Napster is playing Janis Ian (Eytan's folk-phase music). I don't know what made me download this one. I don't like it. It just reminds me of Eytan. Come to think of it, I like a lot of music that I normally wouldn't; but it has a memory attatched to it. I've always had a weird relationship with my music. Whatever stereo I'm listening to music on, it knows what it wants to play. Sometimes it's nice to me, playing happy songs, and sometimes it messes with my mind playing all the songs related to "X". I know I pick the CD, but whenever I put it in random order, it has a conscience. Now it's playing Tori, which also reminds me of Eytan (but it doesn't only remind me of Eytan like Dave Matthews and Janis Ian.

I was feeling really creative an hour ago. I had ideas for a screenplay, a sitcom, and a book of short stories. They were just the beginning of ideas; I didn't go into detail with any of them to see if they would really work. I wish I had the time to sit around, come up with ideas, and carry some of them out. I'm wondering where the burst of creatvity came from. I was sitting at a bar having a drink, and then suddenly... in came a rush of ideas each trying to be noticed so I didn't have time to concentrate on any of them for a long time.

I finally went shopping today. I was so proud of myself. I think the last time I went shopping was 2 years ago. I HATE shopping. But I managed to get one outfit for work and one dressy-casual outfit. It only took 20 minutes which was great. The longer I spend looking around a store, the less I find, the more irritated I become, and the bigger chance for a panic attack. I really hate shopping! But I went. Now I don't have to go for another few years. Although I have this idea that I will go shopping when I'm in New York. I'm thinking of getting up there a day or two early in June to check out Manhattan College so maybe I'll try a little shopping while I'm there. I doubt it will happen since I'll probably panic about where to go, but if I'm walking down a street and I see a store that might have something, I won't hesitate to stop on in. I think though, if I want to go shopping in New York, I should go with someone who knows where I should go. They can't talk me into buying anything or trying on anything. They will have to deal with me if I get claustrophobic and run out of the store. I will not let them comment on how cute every outfit is (whether it is or not). No one in their right mind would want to go shopping with me. Salespeople hate me. I will get what I need and won't browse for a second longer.

Someone gave a really depressing speech today. It was the second one where the person overdosed and got saved by a family member. The girl giving the speech starting crying in the middle of it. She's getting an A. I wouldn't even want to do a speech like that even if I could. Plenty of depressing things have happened in my life. In fact, for large chunks of my life I've been in a depression. But I would never talk about it in a dramatic speech for a class. First of all, it all happened a long time ago so the fresh emotion is no longer there. Secondly, I don't think it's necessary or appropriate to give that kind of a speech in an intorductory public speaking class. The purpose is to learn techniques for good speeches, not to bring up emotional subjects that will make you cry in the middle of your speech. More power to you if you take on that task and accomplish it (like the few people in my class), but it shouldn't be necessary for a good grade. It's hard enough to give a speech without talking about something really personal. I think it's wrong for the instructor to be encouraging these kinds of speeches. While you may be slightly helping the people who want to do this kind of thing, the majority of people you're making uncomfortable. We all feel like if we don't give a powerful, emotional speech we won't get as good of a grade. These personal speeches are good but make me leave the class feeling really down. Well, not really down, but about to cry for no real reason. My life is good right now, I'm not depressed, and a few depressing or emotional speeches shouldn't change my mood so drastically. It takes me hours to get back to my usual self. Well, at least there's only one more day of them. And I get to give my intorduction first so there's no chance of having to give it right after an emotional speech which would bring me down and make my introduction horrible.

I am amazed at how Rent still effects me. I'm sitting here listening to "Goodbye Love" and I feel all emotional. Am I getting emotional in my old age? I hope not. I don't want to deal with that. Maybe it's because of all these speeches I've been listening to. Maybe it's because I don't feel like I know anybody anymore. I mean, where have all my friends gone? Maybe it's because I'm exhausted from today (technically yesterday). It was problem day. I had to go shopping, it took forever to find my car in the parking lot, my computer keeps freezing up, I keep dropping and spilling things... all the little things that when they add up, wipe you out.

So now I'm winding down but not enough. I'm still pretty wired, especially for 2:00 AM. I want to go sky diving, or go up in a hot air balloon, or go climb out on a big rock in the desert and look at all the stars. I want a combination of strenuous and peaceful. Unfortunately, I'll probably wind up on the couch in about an hour and watch a movie until I fall asleep. If I had someone I could call, I'd call them and ask them to go to Dennys with me. I wonder if Leo would still go to Dennys with me? I'm not going to call him out of the blue at 2 in the morning. I guess I'm off to the couch. I'm not even bothering to try sleeping in my bed anymore. I've been on the couch for 3 nights and doubt I'll move to my bed before I leave town.

I downloaded some King Missile songs yesterday. I don't listen to them much anymore; not like I used to. Listening to these songs brought back all these memories of Steffani Podolny. We used to have so much fun. We used to hang out in Columbia and get really trashed; go to auditions together, do badly, and drive home drinking Jolt Cola and listening to Too Much Joy (and King Missile), go to Raves and parties, make up secret worlds... I wouldn't want to do any of that stuff again, but I can look back fondly and miss the fun I used to have doing those kinds of things. Then thoughts of Steffani turned to thoughts of Andi. Last I heard, she was moving to Jamaica (I'm asuming for something dance related). I hope she's doing well. She had her problems, but she was a sweet girl. And her sister, Nikki. I wonder where she is. Last I heard she was living in DC working at The Big Hunt. That was a fun little bar. I can't believe I used to live with her. That was a really random time in my life. I barely remember it. The time I lived in Bolton Hill is almost completely blank in my mind. I remember that I lived there, but I don't remember much besides going to the Pub with Nikki and then going to Blockbuster afterwards to rent a bunch of movies. It seems like we did that a lot. Of course I remember getting mugged. I even remember the date- September 30, 1995. I remember thinking earlier that day that my life was getting boring and predictable. I woke up, went to work, went home, waited until Nikki got home, went to the Pub, went home and watched movies, went to bed, woke up, went to work... I decided that I needed something different in my life. Well, that evening I got mugged. That was certainly different. Ever since then, I never complain that my life is boring. Of course, these past few years, I can't even remember a day that would be considered boring. And thoughts of Bolton Hill turned to Blacksburg (since that's where I moved next). What a beautiful, friendly town. I miss it so much! I know I'll be back there this summer but I'm not exactly looking forward to it. That was the most dramatic year of my life. So much happened to me emotionally. It was almost like a soap opera. Between getting to do a lot of theatre, to the people I knew, to all the jobs I had- there was always so much going on I could hardly keep up. So I know I'll be over-emotional when I go there this summer. I haven't been there in 3 years. Oh wait, that's not true. I was there for 2 days in June of '98 when I picked up Josh for our drive out to Arizona. And I remember being over-emotional then. But the difference was that then I got to drive across the country after I left. I had someone with me and I was moving on to a completely different life. It was easy to forget about all my emotions on that long drive with company. This time, I'll have to deal with all my emotions.I'll be there, then go to Knoxville, then go back to B'burg, and then go back to Baltimore alone. I hate that ride- it's so tedious (especially when you do it 14 times in a year). So I'll have the ride, after a (insert dramatic emotion here) time in B'burg, and I'll be going to B'more for 3 days before flying bck here. Okay, never mind, that should keep me busy enough not to dwell on B'burg too much. I just have to get through the long solitary ride to B'more.

I've forgotten what it's like to be in a relationship. I want to be reminded (even if only just for a little while). Not that I have time right now with being in so many places for the next month and a half. Oh well. It's been this long, I can wait a little longer.

Today I've learned to live in the moment rather keep looking into the future. The more time you spend thinking about what's going to be, the more time you miss in what's happening now. But of course if "now" is when you're thinking about the future, then you are in the now, you're just thinking about something coming up.

"Feel the darkness around you. Feel safe. Feel free." And what does that mean? I have no idea. Just freewriting.

More depressing speeches today. Three people cried while giving their's and the other 2 should have cried while giving it. Three were on their mothers, one was on a coach who died, and one gave one on her suicidal thoughts and how she stopped having them. The teacher LOVED these! She loves a good tear-jerker. After they were all finished she told us how proud she was of the people who did such meaningful, impactful speeches. And how even if we're not giving a speech, how we should take always take part in meaningful things and speak out about these things. She tried to train us all to be activists. Well, the only thing she made me is more determined to NOT be an activist!! I want to be completely politically incorrect, eat every kind of animal, not recycle, never volunteer or give to charity... I'm not that cruel, but this class makes me wanna be.

I should get going. I'm supposed to meet Sean at the Dubliner in a � hour.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

The Dubliner was fun. The man performing was a lot of fun (Tony Cummins- I actually remembered his name). It was really an interactive performance- he made us do all the work. We had to sing, CHUG, drum on the tables, CHUG, stand up on the tables, CHUG... I was just hoping that he wouldn't make me CHUG- thankfully he didn't.

I got tickets for "Clue the Musical" on Sunday. I've been wanting to see this show for years and am finally getting my chance. I'm sure it will be pretty campy, but that's okay. I just hope this performance is good.

My roommate is getting engaged. I meant to write this before but I kept forgetting. She's been dating this guy for 5 months, he's in Austria right now for a month, he called her the other night and proposed to her. I know that stuff is supposed to be romantic but all I can see is the impracticality. They haven't known each other that long, he's away from home and misses her, I doubt he would have proposed the other night if he was home. I do hope I'm wrong; I wish them luck and happiness. I just don't think you should rush into marriage. Although, I don't know what I think about marriage at all anymore. Every time I think about it, my views keep changing.

The guy at the Dubliner played "Cats in the Cradle" last night. It reminded me of when Kris used to sing that song with his father. That was so long ago; I haven't thought about that in years. That was a good period of time in my life. I was happy with theatre, doing well in school, kept busy doing fun things, didn't have my knee injury yet... I love happy memories.

I am determined to clean the apartment today. I've reached my breaking point. My room is a disaster and the kitchen hasn't been cleaned in, I don't even know how long. I'll probably do laundry too.

I haven't written any Epinions in a while. All I've been doing is reading ones on Colleges and making my selection even more difficult. I keep seeing great things about all these different schools and I don't know which ones to pick as schools to apply to. I also keep wanting more and more things in an area, and I know I'm being too picky, but I think in reality it's not as important as I'm making it. If I could have one or two positive things about an area, that would be terrific. The school is important but it's not the only criteria. The location matters too when you're not going to be living on campus. It started out that I just wanted to be back on the east coast. Then I wanted to be on the east coast near or in a major city (or major airport). Then I was thinking about North Carolina since it was warmer there. But I don't know if I'd love living in Charlotte (or something like Charlotte). Then I thought about Boston or New York. I decided that I didn't mind the cold as long I was in a city that I loved. Now I'm back to thinking about North Carolina because how bad could it be? It'll be warm, near a major airport, and it wouldn't be difficult to get up to New York every so often. Also, this isn't that important, but it would be nice to be in a place where things are open past 9:00 PM (besides Dennys). I'll always be a night person and it's nice to be able to do things while I'm awake. Europe is nice that way. It's normal to go out to dinner at 9:00. So, are things open late in Charlotte? I somehow doubt that. It would be nice if I could find the time to go check out Charlotte when I'm in Baltimore. Maybe there will be a long weekend to do that (although, right now it doesn't look like there will be). I think my schedule and responsibities will be more clear once I'm there. Sitting here in 100� Phoenix, the east coast and my time there seems so distant and unclear.

I cleaned! The whole apartment, except my bedroom, is spotless. I even did laundry and started to organise my clothes for the trip. I also, with the help of Eytan, studied some of the stuff for the Math placement test I'll be taking Thursday. I felt pretty productive today.

My parents are back from Europe. I hope they had a good time; I can't wait to talk to them about it. They were in France (Paris), Switzerland (I think some small town in the Alps), and Italy (Milan, Venice, and Rome). They were there with Neil and Maxine. I'm interested to find out how much of the trip they spent together and how much they went their separate ways.

I feel like I'm falling apart today. I re-broke my toe, I've been getting leg cramps for the past two days, my knees hurt more than normal, I have arthritis in my wrist, my stomach is killing me, and my teeth hurt for 4 hours which gave me a headache. I hate complaining about this stuff but I thought I'd write it down anyway.

I wonder if I'll have the time to go visit Bob and Pam while I'm in Maryland. I know they're really busy but I'd love to stop by and see how they are. And how Sofia and Daniel are. I haven't even met Daniel and he's a year and a half old, I think. Plus I'd love the drive out to Chestertown. I love long drives in unpopulated areas. You can drive without any idiots in front of you or traffic jams. And Chestertown's cute. I've only been there once but got to look around a little. It's a quaint little Eastern Shore town with typical Eastern Shore type people- friendly, southern, set in their ways...

Last night I started reading "The World According to Garp". I didn't think I would like it since I hated "Hotel New Hampshire", but I thought I'd give it a shot anyway since it was one of the only books I have that I haven't read already. So far it's not my favourite. I don't like it for the same reason I don't like parts of "Forrest Gump". People can't have ALL that stuff happen to them in one lifetime. But I'll continue reading it since it's better than reading nothing at all. Hopefully I can finish it before I leave.

I really should be studying for my computer final, but I don't feel like it. Maybe I'll do it late tonight after "Clue". I can go right to Perkins after the show, I have my book & notes in the car, get some tea and a muffin, and get it all done tonight. If the show is good, it should give me energy to study.

I've been thinking about a King Missile quote today. "I want to be different, like all the different people I want to be like. I want to be just like all the different people." I love it. In fact I love the lyrics of this song so much (right now, anyway), that I'm going to post them here. [To anyone reading this: please read it as sarcasm.]

I want to be different, like everybody else I want to be like
I want to be just like all the different people
I have no further interest in being the same,
because I have seen difference all around,
and now I know that that's what I want
I don't want to blend in and be indistinguishable,
I want to be part of the different crowd,
and assert my individuality along with others
who are different like me
I don't want to be identical to anyone or anything
I don't even want to be identical to myself
I want to look in the mirror and wonder,
"who is that person? I've never seen that person before;
I've never seen anyone like that before."
I want to call into question the very idea that
identity can be attached
I want a floating, shifting, ever changing persona:
Invisibility and Obscurity,
detachment from the ego and all of it's pursuits.
Unity is useless
Conformity is competitive and divisive and leads only to
stagnation and death.
If what I'm saying doesn't make any sense,
that's because sense can not be made
It's something that must be sensed
and I, for one, am incensed by all this complacency
Why oppose war only when there's a war?
Why defend the clinics only when they are attacked?
Why are we always reactive?
Let's activate something
Let's fuck shit up
Whatever happened to revolution for the hell of it?
Whatever happening to protesting nothing in particular, just
protesting cause it's Saturday and there's nothing else to do?

Well, "Clue" was horrible! The lyrics were stupid, the cast wasn't horrible but they all had major weaknesses (especially Mrs. Peacock- that woman couldn't sing), they tried too hard to be funny, the orchestra (piano, synthesizer, drums) wasn't anything special, and the audience drove me nuts. They were all in their 70's and were very loud and obnoxious. The set was okay and the choreography was good. A few little things bothered me enough to write about them now. Mr. Body was obviously trying to be Tim Curry's character from the movie "Clue" and it mostly didn't work. He even used one of Tim Curry's lines as Frank from Rocky Horror. Most of the cast could get by with singing solo but as soon as they were an ensemble- they were absolutely awful. Every actor was guilty of this one- they would try a joke and it would fail and they would use it again and again throughout the play. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work- give up. Even if this cast was better I still don't think I'd like the show. The dialogue was trite, there were too many stupid jokes, the lyrics were as pathetic as the rest of the dialogue, and the music was simplistic and predictable. Oh yeah, I figured out the mystery.

Here's a logic problem that I was trying to figure out. It started out as a joke but then I realised that most people take this stuff (room sharing) very seriously.
There are 5 people who need to share 3 rooms. Three are male and two are female. Two of the men are married heterosexuals (wives are at home) and one is an unmarried homosexual. One of the women is an unmarried heterosexual and one is homosexual and involved in a committed relationship (girlfriend is at home). Put the 5 people in the 3 rooms where everyone would be the most comfortable. All of the rooms have two beds. If anyone has a good answer please email me. Be sure to explain your answer. Personally, I'd be comfortable in any room with anyone. I don't think sharing a room (especially with two beds) is a big deal. But I've only met a tiny handful of people who also feel this way.

Tonight I had to go audit papers with Larissa at the Scottsdale P.D. (we were hoping we wouldn't get arrested while we were there). Larissa works in personnel so I don't see her that much. I drove and she was on her cell phone for most of the ride, so it was pretty boring. The group we were auditing had the slowest Crew Leader I've ever seen. The training started at 5:30 and by 7:30 (when we got there), they had only finished forms. The whole process is supposed to take about an hour. They still had a ton left when we got there. Fortunately, we started helping with the process (which was supposed to be finished before we got there) and it was all finished by 8:15. It was exhausting having to go around the room of 25 people and sign their forms since the Crew Leader was to slow and/or incompetent to do it herself.

I feel completely stress-free today for the first time in weeks. I finally looked over the stuff for my computer final. I couldn't deal with it last night so I waited till this afternoon (better late than never). I'm as prepared as I can be for that and for my French final as well (although I'll look at French some more right before the final tomorrow). With the school stuff out of the way, I have more time for other important things. As soon as I finished studying today, I felt great! It finally feels possible to get everything done that I have to before I leave on Saturday.

Here's a list of things I want to do while out of town.
1. See 3-4 shows. The only one planned is "Side Show" in Arlington. I'm sure there will be something in Baltimore while I'm there and maybe, just maybe, I'll have time to see something in New York.
2. Read a book by Buckminster Fuller.
3. Visit Neil, Maxine, Jay, and Sherry in Frederick.
4. Visit Bob and Pam in Chestertown.
5. Visit Omar in Germantown.
6. See Once Hush in Baltimore with Josh.
7. Go to One World Cafe which I know I will at least once. I love that place.
8. Hang out at Loch Raven or Gunpowder.
And I'll probably come up with more later.

Now I've decided that maybe I could look into going to Virginia Tech. I already know and love the area. The cost of living is lower than anywhere else. I'd have a real reason to be a Hokie fan. It would be easy to find a place to live. I already know a few people. It's not difficult to get out of the area (it's not great either though). Now I have to see how much tuition is, what the psych program is like, how difficult it is to get into, what the requirements are, and what the demographics are (it would be nice if the % of people over 25 is more than 2%).

I took my two finals today and now I'm finished!!!!!! Both were okay. I don't think I did too badly on either. I know I'll get an A in my computer class but French is anyone's guess. I think I should get an A according to my tests and participation but who knows what this guy will do. I'm assuming he's either going to give us all A's or give that goody two shoes woman an A and Kellen and I C's. Who cares? I'm sick of thinking about it. I'm just glad this crazy semester is over with.

I talked to Eytan for a while on the phone tonight. I called to ask him a quick question and 2 hours later we hung up. He is IMPOSSIBLE to get off the phone. I was ready to hang up an hour beforhand and so was he, but then he'll keep starting new conversations and this continues for an hour (at least). We used to do that more often. This was the first long conversation in a while.

Tomorrow's a busy day! I have to get everything organised and ready to ship. Then I have a focus group to do at 1:00. After that I'll go ship my stuff. Then I have to go to the Census job. I can't believe it's my last day. I wish I could stay longer. I love this job. It's easy and it pays well. I also want to go over some math stuff before the test but I'll probably do that Thursday morning.

Oh, Virginia Tech isn't going to work out. They only offer a B.S. in Psychology. There's always Radford. That way I could live in that area, get a decent education, be on the east coast, and hopefully be happy. I know I could get in and I can afford it. Those aren't problems. The only minor problem would be living so far from everything (mainly talking about an airport). I know that's such a minor thing and it really won't effect my decision, I just thought I'd mention it. In fact now that I wrote it, it looks really ridiculous! Okay, I think Radford will be my first choice! I just hope there's a decent student body. The few people I knew who went there were far from intelligent and when I performed there, I got the same sense from the students that I saw walking around the campus and town. I don't need to fill my life with a bunch of geniuses but it is nice to have intelligent conversation once in a while.

I just wrote a HUGE journal entry and then my computer froze and I lost all of it. I hate it when that happens. Fortunately, my mood is so good tonight, I don't seem to care as much as I normally would.

I know I haven't had much variety in what I'm listening to recently. But my Napster list is pretty diverse. My username is Minstrelette in case anyone wants to check it out. Right now it's playing The Cynic Project from "The Matrix".

Anyway, tonight was my last night at the Census. It was sad; I wish I could stay. I'm really gonna miss Dean, Cliff, Helen, Sue, Greg, the cute guy from Operations, and even Bill. I was so hyper since I had caffinated iced tea before work (I'll explain why further down). I managed to fill my list in 2 hours. I hired 15 people in 2 hours. I think that's a record. They all got me a cake. I didn't think I was there long enough for a cake (I was only there for a month). I LOVE office parties! Then they made me go home an hour early but still get paid for the full time. I didn't want to leave since I was in the middle of a project. I was organising this thing (something no one else wanted to figure out). I thought it was fun. I hope they figured out what I was doing so they can finish it tonight. What do I care though? I'm outta there!

It was good they sent me home early only because I needed to pack. I was going to pack and ship everything today but I got an occular migrane so I couldn't see well enough to go get boxes, come home, pack, and ship. By the time I could see again, it was too late. Those things come at the oddest times. There's no pattern. Fortunately, they only come 2-3 times a year. That's why I was drinking caffinated tea. Those migranes are exhausting. So anyway, I got to pack tonight and I'll ship them tomorrow. I'll have to pay for 2nd day air but oh well- not a big deal.

Tomorrow I get to take placement tests, pick up my speech portfolio, and register for summer classes. Oh fun!! At least after tomorrow I won't have to drive there until July 10th. Tomorrow I also need to organise my stuff for work, email, etc. so I'll have everything I need while I'm away.

I think another reason I'm hyper is because things keep ending. I'm through with school, this was my last night at the Census... It's like I'm beginning a new portion of my life (even though none of it is really new). I'll also be out of Phoenix, get to see my parents, Eytan, Mike, Neil & Maxine, etc., see some real theatre...

Now the question is what am I going to do to calm down tonight? I have to get up early so I'd like to get to sleep at some point. I can't watch a movie since they have been keeping me up recently (no matter which one I watch, I'm hyper after it's over). I guess it's a night for the History Channel. Maybe a program on Hitler (their favourite subject) will calm me down.

I was in such a good mood yesterday and then it all came crumbling down. I just can't make myself write it all down here. The main problem boils down to the fact that I don't get angry often but when I do I can't control my anger. I feel like I have to do things to extremes but fortunately I'm too much of a wimp to really do it. So rather write about all the details of the hell I went through last night, I'll just write about the positive things since, before all the bad happened yesterday, I was thrilled to be able to write such a happy journal entry.

Yesterday I picked up my speech portfolio and found out that I got an A!!!! Now I might get that 4.0 (if the French guy will grade the way he should). Then I took the reading and math placement tests and did well in both. The reading score got me exempt from the Critical Reading class (now I can take an elective). The math score got me put in the 2nd level of math classes. Now I only need 3 semesters instead of 4 and can therefore get my AA. There also wasn't much traffic yesterday when I was driving back and forth to school. There's usually TONS!!!!!!!!! It was the first ride I've had in Phoenix during the day where there weren't traffic problems. Also, I registered for summer classes. I'm taking math and history. I hate the fact that I'll have to drive back and forth 4 days a week but there's no other choice. Also, the advisor who was telling me about the placement tests last week told me they would take 3 hours. They only took an hour and a half so I got done so much earlier than I thought I was going to.

I got home around 1:00 PM feeling really good. Then at 1:30 I got in a bad mood and am still not completely out of it. I'm just so down on myself; nothing seems good; even all the stuff from yesterday. So now I'm trying so hard to get happy. My life is good, I should be happy. But I'm not. And if I write anymore I'll start the downward spiral so I'll stop here.

This was a thought I had yesterday:
I'm letting music dictate my mood. I put on Napster and let it play what it wanted to (on random). So far it's working. I know it's an easy way out and I should change my mood on my own but I figured music as a helper is better than antidepressant drugs.

I'm leaving today!!! My flight is at 1:10PM and I get into BWI at 10:12PM (I hope it's on time). I'm really excited. When you're a kid, you sometimes get up really early on a morning when something exciting is going to happen. Well, I did that this morning. I got up at 5:45AM (after going to bed around 1:00AM) and I was WIDE awake! But I made myself go back to bed. I sort of just layed there for an hour falling asleep and waking up, falling asleep and waking up. Finally I just got up.

I'm looking forward to being in Towson. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone. I'm looking forward to the New York auctions. I'm looking forward to seeing good theatre. I'm looking forward to driving on REAL back roads. I'm looking forward to EVERYTHING!!! I'm in the best mood!!!!! Napster's playing RENT right now, just thought I'd mention that.

Au revoir, Phoenix. A bientot.

I REALLY wanted to write before now but I've either been too busy, too depressed, too stressed, too pissed off, or not in the mood to bother. I've had three dreams recently about dragons. They're, for the most part, kind of fun. Last night I dreamed that I was at this amusement park type place with a ride that, when the ride people connected to the internet, brought these dragons that you had to get in and ride around in. If you didn't get in, they would eat you. Then I ran into a guy who was my partner in a martial arts class I had taken 5 years before (in my dream). His name was Collin. Then I was walking around the streets of Seattle and I ran into some stoner on the street. He offered me some of his joint which I accepted. It was fun. Then I woke up. I have no clue where all of that came from.

Right now I'm at Eytan's apartment. I've been sort of staying here but I've also stayed with Lisa & Bev one night and George one night. It's so hard finding places to stay. I feel so out of control. I can't keep track of my stuff, I can't keep track of my work, and I can't keep track of my life. I wish I could have one place to stay rather than trying to keep track of everything when I move it around every day. At least on June 3rd I'll have an apartment for a month. That'll be terrific! It's at Cross Keys which is realy nice (I hope). So let's see, what have I done since my last entry?

I got to Baltimore and stayed at the Sheraton for 4 nights. I went to a movie with Mom on Mother's Day (it's the first Mother's Day where we were both in the same city in... I don't know how long. Anyway, we saw "Where the Heart Is"- isn't that appropriate? I actually enjoyed it! Natalie Portman is incredible. Most actors seem to play the same roles over and over. She's always playing something different and is good at every role. Oh, I dyed my hair dark red. The colour actually took! That's a surprise. I love the colour but I hate the texture of my hair right now.

Then I was in New York for 4 days. That was mostly good. I got pissed off at George and Bill a lot but that was to be expected. The good part was going to Connelly's every night. The last night was a little crazy but good. We stayed out till 4:30. I didn't even realise it was that late. Bill went back to the hotel at 3:00 but George, Eytan and I hung out. This guy, Jim, who's always there was there this time as well. I can't stand him and George says he can't stand him either yet he always makes a point of talking to him. It drives me CRAZY!!! So, we had to talk to him this time. He was hitting on me. Telling me he wanted to take me out dancing. I was so drunk I think that I kissed him. UGH, what was I doing?!?!?! I haven't been that drunk in a long time. I was so drunk that when I looked in the mirror at myself it was like I was looking at myself in a funhouse mirror. I really got along with George that night. Most of the time I can't stand him but then there are those rare times where he's terrific and during a conversation with him, I can't imagine wanting to be anywhere else. Wednesday night in New York, Eytan and I went to see "The Green Bird". I don't know what I thought of it. The beginning was slow but it got better. The acting wasn't terrific, the storyline was odd, parts of it was amazing, but I left with the I-really-didn't-like-it-that-much feeling. It wasn't memorable, put it that way. Seeing Mike Rubin was nice. I wanted to spend more time with him but it didn't work out. He didn't want to go with us to Conelly's and I didn't want to get up at 7:00 to go to breakfast with him (I slept till 9:00 and went to the Brooklyn Diner with Bill, George and Eytan). Oh, I also got the tickets for "Side Show" . Catherine came to the Four Seasons on Friday night to drop them off. That was nice of her. There was no way I could get away to meet her somewhere. Back to Mike Rubin, I think I'm going to call him and ask if I can come visit him out on his farm. He was talking about it on Friday night and made it sound awesome. I hope we can find a time when we're both free.

Now I'm back in B'more and trying to figure out what's going on. I feel like I have so much to do but I don't remember any details. I know I'm going to Frederick on Sunday for a BBQ at Jay & Sherry's (not really looking forward to that, but oh well). Friday night I'm going to see Once Hush with Josh at the harbour. That should be fun. It's hard to write here at Eytan's. It doesn't feel comfortable. What else am I doing? I'm supposed to meet Rebecca some time this weekend. I hope Saturday works for her cause my days are getting booked up. I think part of my problem is that I'm not used to being a work-a-holic AND having a social life. There's just not enough hours in the day. I need to figure out some sort of schedule for work. And someone make this rain and gloom GO AWAY!!!!!! It's so depressing!!!!!

I'm tired. At least the sun finally came out for a little while today. Today was a blah day. Right now Napster is playing Lit. I love this song. My weekend is looking really busy. Now Lisa wants me to go out with her and Bev. I don't know if I'll have time or not. We can always go out some other weekend; it's not like I'm leaving town soon. I really don't feel comfortable sitting here typing at Eytan's computer. Maybe I'll write more from Towson tomorrow...

Well, this weekend was busy. Friday night Josh came up from Virginia for the Once Hush concert at the harbour. They rocked!!! Eric Lewis can not write a bad song. He's so talented!! The crowd was interesting since it was mainly local people walking around the harbour, stopping to listen to the music. After the show we went to Austin Grill for dinner. I've been to that place two times now and I wasn't hungry either time. So I have no idea how their food is.

Saturday I was supposed to go to Annapolis with Rebecca to see "Jesus Christ Superstar" at the Annapolis Summer Garden Theatre. When I woke up it was pouring and I couldn't get a hold of the theatre to see if they had tickets available. I wasn't driving all the way to Annapolis in the rain, walking around all day in the rain, only to find out that the show was sold out. So instead we had lunch at Hoangs (I hadn't been there in a long time). Actually Rebecca had lunch. I tried to eat some rice and sushi but wasn't that hungry. I really wasn't hungry all weekend. Anyway, later we went to Blockbuster and rented "Metroland" . I had been wanting to see that for a while and was not disappointed! What a great movie. The characters had depth and some of the lines were just terrific. After the movie we went to Xando. I really like that place! Maybe I'll have to try some of the other ones to see if it's the place I like or just the one in Charles Village.

Sunday I went to Neil & Maxine's and watched some of his old family videos. Then we went over to Jay & Sherry's for the BBQ in the rain. That was a waste of time. We were there for less than an hour and we didn't talk to anyone except each other. But it was better that way. I really don't like getting into conversations with Cassie or Tom or Knucklehead (I mean Mark).

Today I'm having a relaxing day. I'm going to read more of "Sarum: The Novel of England" and then watch a movie. I rented "Love Stinks" since I wanted to not have to think for a couple hours. I guess I should do a little work today too. Then I have to pick Eytan up at the airport at 7:00. I hope he had a good time in Minneapolis (I'm sure he did).

Not much to say today. It's hard writing at Eytan's. I don't know where I'll be comfortable doing this. Perhaps I'll take a little hiatis while on the east coast. No, I don't want to do that. I'll just have to get used to it.

I'm looking forward to going to New York but I have no idea when I'll look at Manhattan. I wanted to go up a day early but don't know where to stay that night. There's nothing around the school. That's not true. There are 2 hotels that I've never heard of and I don't want to take a chance on them. So now I'm thinking that I'll go up early on Wednesday and check it out during the day before everyone else gets there. Then that night I really want to see Copenhagen! I hope Riverdale is a cute neighborhood. I already feel like the school will be perfect so I'm not too worried about that. I'm just worried that I won't like the town. I just want to know already so I can pick a place to be. I hate feeling like I'm in limbo. It would be really nice to know where I'll be living next year. I already feel like I'm not living in Phoenix anymore. Or at least that I'm just biding time till I can leave. After I get back in July I'll start looking for reasons to take little trips. I'll probably go somewhere for a week in between summer session and the fall semester. Then I'll have to go down to Tucson for a weekend in the fall. Then I'll probably come back east for Christmas. Then I'll be stuck there till June when I move. OH!! I got a 4.0 again! I was worried what my French instructor was going to do about grading. Now I haven't gotten less that a 4.0 since I got back into school. It's really encouraging. Now I just have to get through 3 semesters of math and one science. YUCK!! Maybe I can convince myself that I'm really good at math and that this is fun. It's worth a shot anyway. Well, this is a long enough paragraph so I'll stop here.

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