I used to have a serious sense of direction. I knew exactly how I wanted my life to go in the event I didnt ever make it to housewife status. I used to want a house 3 blocks from my momma, I wanted to hit up the adoption agency and get a little boy that didnt have anyone to love him and be his mommy. I wanted to buy a custom painted Blue Yukon Denali. I wanted to start my own NPO that helped Cancer victims and their children with the simple things that we all take for granted. I had a direction. I realized this morning that I've lost it.
I dont know where I went wrong, or what piece slipped out of place. But it definitely has. I just found out a whole bunch of weird people live on the block with the house I was looking at... so I dont want to live on that street anymore. I looked up how to start an NPO, and I wanted to cry with all the extraneous shit thats required. What happened to just being able to help someone (and not have anyone biting your idea or misbehaving under the name YOU came up with)? I also ran into a shitload of red tape concerning single parent adoption. Its possible, but its a fight. Why should I have to do battle just because I want to make some little kid's life better than it is in a stupid institutional facility? You'd think they'd be more than happy to make adoption simple and easy. But you have to be damn near rich to do it. And that is something that I am not. The only thing I know for certain is that I still want to move and buy a custom painted Blue Yukon Denali. But in the grand scheme of things... that ain't shit.
In approximately 6 months I will be 25 years old. All my plans have gone left somewhere. I've finally come to terms with the fact that I'll never get to be a housewife... hell, I may never get married. Men play too many damn games. I'm already tired and I'm not even in my 40's yet. But the little life that I came up with to suffice in place of the housewife deal has now derailed, and I have no idea what to do next. I think thats what upsets me the most... I have no damn clue what to do next. I just go to work, go to church, and come home. It seems pretty pointless. I dont want to be a baby momma, but damn. I cant adopt, so I might as well find the next fine nigga that comes my way and do the damn thang. But its getting rid of the man that poses the problem. I still want to live near my family, but the rest of the houses arent what I want. I wanted that house 3 blocks away. But now I cant live there because of all the affiliated people on that block. So I guess I'm just assed out. I might as well get back to work, shit. Aint nothing else to do now.