J o k e s P a g e
Three women were on a trek, when they came across a wild river.
The first woman prayed for the strength to make it across, she was
given strong arms and she swam across, but was very tired by the time
she did.
The 2nd woman saw this and prayed for strength and tools to make it across.
So she was given strong arms and a boat and she rowed across, but she was also
tired by thee time she made it across.
The 3rd woman saw all this and prayed for the strength, tools and intelligence to make
it across and she was turned into a man, and looked up saw the bridge and walked across
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road ? There are skid marks in front of the dead dog.
A man calls his lawyer and asks 'How much it will it cost me to answer three questions?'
Lawyer : four hundred pounds
Man : that's a lot of money isn't it? Lawyer : I guess so, what's your third question.
The LAPD, FBI & CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The president decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest & members of each agency try to catch it.
The CIA go into the forest. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant & mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations , they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI go in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit & they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD go in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling "okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit"
Why do Scottish men wear kilts? So the sheep can't hear them undo their zipper
**************************************************
Some one-liners!
1. I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy.... I'd
have nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over,
there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night
she called me from a hotel.
4. One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I
said to the guy .... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you
came home early."
5. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning put on a shirt and a button
fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid........When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and a radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that
she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with
his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my
father, I'm very sorry we did everything we could but he pulled through.
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness.......AFTER I was born.
12. I was kidnapped & they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He sent it back.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my
parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't
know kid, there are so many places they can hide,"
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get
up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?"
He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
**************************************************
Why does beer contain female hormones ? ... When you drink too
much of it, you cannot say anything sensible any more, you
start to nag and you are no longer able to drive a car.
30 Things Guys Want Girls To Know!!
1. We're not as perverted as you think we all are.
2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS an ass hole.
3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
5. Don't treat us like shit, what goes around comes around.
6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.
7. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
8. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more.
9. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
10. We never shave our legs. So get over it.
11. NEVER ask us if you can put makeup on us. It's just wrong.
12. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't.
13. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.
14. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, 98 Degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
15. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.
16. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
18. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.
19. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.
20. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say". That's just mean.
21. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.
22. Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway.
23. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship.
24. PMS is not an excuse.
25. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done.
26. Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.
27. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach..... and maybe....oh
never mind.
28. NEVER ask us to kiss other guys. You might be that comfy with your friends, but to us it's just wrong.
29. We always notice how funny it is after your rip out our heart, stick it down our throat and still want to be friends.
30. And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.