| Sunday, 16 September 2001----------------------------------------------------- song i'm listening to: "all for you" by Janet Jackson how are you? last night i got my first phone call from home in two weeks.. mom and Allen have now moved into the new home in Chicago. yesterday he moved into his dorm at Northwestern University. i believe this was the first time i was unable to write a poem for him and give it to him on a major event like this for a while.. it has been interesting watching him develop in the past year. i only wish i'd begun writing for him sooner - such a lovely story the poems would have told on their own. i miss Steve a little less today; i guess i am beginning to better come to grips with the whole tragedy. they have a list of about 20 suspects, and have made some arrests. the primary suspect so far is still Osama bin Laden, who was also guilty of the 1993 car bomb explosion that took place in the basement of the World Trade Center. there is the thought that he worked in conjunction with others in the planning of this incident, perhaps Saddam Hussein. i met another military reservist, this one in the army, last night on the internet. he, unlike Steve, was not called in for active duty. makes one wonder why some are called, and others are not; why some die in tragedies and others do not. why do some people miss the plane that crashed, and others perished in the great fireball that plunged to Earth? why are some told "no," and others "yes"? i suppose these are questions that can only be answered by appealling to Fate. more work on the songwriting, today; i wrote a new song this morning. last night i also had fun playing the piano in the basement of my dorm.. it was when the third girl in 10 minutes poked her head into the room to watch that your shy Mozart scampered off to bed! i'm all for you *Rachel Friday, 14 September 2001------------------------------------------------------- song i'm listening to: "i'll never break your heart" by Backstreet Boys hello, how are you today? i know i didn't write yesterday; i don't think it would be feasible to keep this diary every day.. but i shall try to write as often as i can. not much happened yesterday. there were arrests of about 10 suspects who were believed to be carrying out more hijacks and attacks. hopefully their actions were successfully thwarted. i did go to classes as usual; excepting today which Bush had designated a national day of prayer for those lost on the 11th when classes were cancelled in observance, things seem to have returned to normal. an assembly was held at Millett Hall this afternoon for the national service at Washington National Cathedral, in the capitol city that began at noon and lasted until approximately 1:15 pm. i wept throughout most of the service, which concluded with the singing of the stirring "Battle Hymn Of The Republic:" Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord He is trambling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored He has loosed the fateful lightening of His terrible swift sword His truth is marching on (Chorus) Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! His truth is marching on I have seen Him in the watch-fires of a hundred circling camps They hae builded Him an altar in the evening dews and damps I can read His righteous sentence by the dim and flaring lamps His day is marching on (Chorus) I have read a fiery gospel writ in burnish'd rows of steel "as ye deal with my condemners, So with you my grace shall deal" Let the Hero born of woman crush the serpent with His heel Since God is marching on (Chorus) He has sounded from the trumpet that shall never call retreat He is sifting out the hearts of men before His judgement-seat Oh, be swift, my soul to answer Him! be jubilant my feet Our God is marching on (Chorus) In the beauty of the lilies Christ was born across the sea With a glory in His bosom that transfigures you and me As He died to make men holy let us die to make men free While God is marching on (Chorus) - by Julia Ward Howe i have decided to continue on with my plans of becoming a songwriter.. i give up on love for now, i fear, and everything else. because this way i'll have an idea of what is to come in my future, and will have already established myself on my way to realizing my goals. His truth is marching on, indeed.. a fellow soldier of Christ *Rachel Wednesday, 12 September 2001-------------------------------------------------- song i'm listening to: "are you gonna go my way" by Lenny Kravitz how are you? more tragedy today.. some additional structures collapsed or showed signs of heavy damage. thankfully, however, there were no new explosions or plane crashes. i was able to talk to my friend today; i am very much relieved that he is okay, and did not even have to evacuate his home, though he lives in the southernmost tip of Manhattan Island, in Queens. i thank God that there was no additional chaos or terrorist bombing today. we really didn't need it at all, and things are certainly crazy enough already. i met a new friend online, Mandy; we began talking when i read her disturbing posts on the ASG bbs and wrote to her, asking if she was alright and reassuring her that if she needed to talk, i was there to listen. she is starting a band with her lover, Mary. the two are lesbians, but i have learned to not be discriminating, and can see her for the wonderful person and cool friend she seems to be. the two of us have a lot in common, too. my parents fought much before their divorce; although her parents are stilll together, they fight often and i can exchange war stories with her, which is a great comfort. we can also discuss topics like suicide and self-mutilation, or "cutting." the two of us have plans to work together in the music business if we can. Mandy has asked me to write a song for them. so lonely, i think i am giving up on love. i don't know just what it is about me, why i don't have a boyfriend and nothing ever progresses past a first date, if even that. hardly a bad person, i am kind-hearted, meek, and feminine. the guys say i'm so cute, then pass me up for alcoholic sorority blondes. even the Marine, Steve, didn't meet me online, telephone, or email me. so much for that - i think i've given up on him. if he wants me then he knows where to find me.. i am reminded that when i seemed to give up on him before now, he always came through after all and followed through on his words. will that be the case today? i highly doubt it, so i'm going to let it lie. he didn't even give me his last name or phone number, things i would have asked of him today. at least next time i shall be one wiser. and this is also to be the very last time that i shall ever take out a personal ad, too. it's just not worth it, and i doubt or at least see no evidence that i should ever have any luck finding someone. my main focus is just going to be songwriting, for now; i shall ride that ship, and sail it wherever it leads me. two dreams: marriage; and to become a famous songwriter. i think that i am going to go for the second as i have no luck with men whatsoever.. *sigh* thank you and goodnight *Rachel Tuesday, 11 September 2001----------------------------------------------------- song i'm listening to: "fly away" by Lenny Kravitz how are you, today? last night was exhausting at the dining hall. i actually worried i wouldn't make it through the shift without passing out, as it was so late, hot, and stuffy... i did have a large dinner earlier in the day but it wasn't enough to keep my stomach from grumbling and seemingly twisting in upon itself. i did hae an interesting conversation with another cook, Charles, about his major - statistics - and previous jobs. learning he was ordained a Methodist pastor, i asked him about the Bible and some doctrine. the two of us had an interesting conversation aboud translations of the Bible, and powerful verses. he is 29 years old, and i am 19, and don't really feel a romantic attraction towards him.. but i would be more than happy to be friends with the guy. :) extremely friendly and compassionate, he really did help put me at ease. i also got a little bit more of a feel for what it is like hanging out with 28- and 29-year-olds, people about a decade older than i am like my friend Marv. there is a bit of difference in maturity level, and some of the pink plastic, devil-may-care attitude and preferences have become more refined. it is also easier to have a mature convestaion with them, than, as i have found, with people my age. few of my peers are as level-headed, or analytical in their approach. they also have not applied the concept of hindsight to their personal experiences, or viewed retrospectively. my peers live for today and think the future is an extension of this time. they don't stop to consider the past that led up to this time, or that the future is so heavily affected by the decisions made today. i certainly have much to learn from my elders,even those within my own generation! :) one does wonder what to make of the events that took place this morning in my country, the United States, the incident being attributed to terrorists. as of noon, today, the following facts have been established. shortly before 9:00 am this morning, one of the 110-story twin towers of the World Trade Center on Manhattan Island in New York City was struck by a plane that crash landed in the upper stories of the building. about fifteen minutes later the second tower was struck by another aircraft in similar fashion. both towers collapsed as a result of the impact. two other crashes were reported as well, one target being the Pentagon - military headquarters - in the capitol city of Washington, D.C. and the other one was near Camp David in Pennsylvania. there is evidence from one of the airlines that a plane flying out of Boston had been hijacked this morning, and it is believed to have been responsible for the collapse of one of the towers. the blame is being placed on various groups and countries right now; i can't accept any of it until i see solid evidence. there was an atmosphere of mass mania on campus and especially at the Shriver Center, with people crowded around the televisions chewing hasty lunches with their mouths open and saying how terrible it was. i just got fed up with the whole thing because everyone does that when something terrible happens. they sit around saying how awful it is, then do nothing about the situation. they don't check up on the victims to see how they were, and if there is anything they can do to help. they also deny the existence of God becore they praise Him for what they do have, and turn to Him for strength and faith. assuming it wasn't an accident, the people that crashed those planes and caused the destruction were most likely not Christians. why should God's people be more concerned with worldly events over the spiritual? it also has seemed to be the case in my life - acquaintances and "friends" are there in the sunshine, but leave whenever problems and pain arise. i am grateful, though, that my friend Marv - who lives in lower Manhattan - is safe. in fact, i was even talking to him at the time of the crashes. i've been trying to telephone him for some time but the lines are all busy; hopefully i can get through soon. also, i sent him an email checking on him. tonight i had a date with a Marine whom i'd met online, named Steve. he's five and a half years older than i am, at 25.. i like him somewhat, but am a little sad, not just because i'm not ready for a new relationship, but because it is a little difficult to plan with him. i hope this improves.. another worry is that if there is a war over the crazy events that took place this morning, as he is a member of the armed services he will have to go where the fighting is and may even be killed. he asked me to promise him that if he has to go on duty and is sent away, i will give him a date when he returns. i do offer up my prayers for all those affected by the tragedies that took place today in Manhattan and Washington, D.C. forever your girl *Rachel Monday, 10 September 2001----------------------------------------------------- song i'm listening to: "i'll never break your heart" by the Backstreet Boys hello, how are you tonight? i decided to start an online diary today, as an addition to my site. got to admit, though, that i never thought i would be one to do this because i'm hardly a voyeur, and need my privacy. the site itself might never have been born had my friend Jon R. not fallen in love with my writing and convinced me to create a website featuring my poems, so that others might enjoy them as well. as at the time his enjoyment was the only motivation for my continuing to write, i took his advice after no small amount of persuasion. after my parents' divorce i had deleted the original version of Musings, (http://.....mini_me73m_2000); when i started it up again, and recopied saved files, i chose the URL http://www.geocities.com/mini_me73m_2001 as a continuation of the first. a chapter two. thanks Jon! i don't really know what will become of the page.. my career as a songwriter is starting to move in the direction i've always dreamed it would. working on more demos and writing new material, i've never been happier. a friend of mine offered to share my demo with some producers and labels he knows, which will help me greatly. the two of us are virtually brother and sister, and i trust him with many of my most private thoughts. Soul, man, my brother, if you're reading this, i love you!! i am grateful for you and your family's presence in my life, and for your refusal to give up on me even when i was at my most emotional, deepest low. this morning i found a new website for songwriters, with several pages of useful links. discovering i nearly qualified for membership to the BMI and ASCAP definitely made my day. the criteria for lifetime membership as a songwriter - with royalties continuing after death to the writer's kin - is an annual fee of $10, and proof of a commercially recorded song, a live performance or one through the media, or the availability of at least one published song ready for sale. i am already a subscriber to several tipsheets, which do help to give me a solid foot in the door, and keep me up to speed on the latest in the music industry. it is my big project, and one of the brightest dreams i've ever nurtured. my stats, now: name: Rachel Sharon H. age: 19 favorite color: wine favorite song: "downtown train" by Rod Stewart favorite movie: Sabrina, starring: Harrison Ford, Julia Ormond, and Greg Kinnear favorite book: the Bible most frequently visited websites: AllSavageGarden, and DollzMania favorite food: charbroiled chicken sandwich the local time is 20:20 pm, which means it is time for me to get a move on if i'd like to make it to Haines Food Court in time for my shift at Auntie Em's pasta bar. i'll ttyl *Rachel |
| Tuesday, 18 September 2001--------------------------------------------------- song i'm listening to: "uptown girl" by westlife how are you today? yesterday i heard of something heartbreaking. it seems that MuchMusic has decided to ban a list of scores of songs from airplay for a while until the crisis that began with the terrorist attacks last Tuesday has passed. frankly i see it as an over-reaction; in fact, the majority of the songs on the list have absolutely nothing to do with that sort of thing. on, the song "America" by Neil Diamond from the soundtrack to his remake of The Jazz Singer, is patriotic and even contains the words to "My Country 'Tis Of Thee" within it! among them is included "Crash And Burn," by the band Savage Garden, which is a beautiful lullaby that has brought me much comfort. *sigh* yes, the phrase conjurs up bad memories and i think that a better, more euphemistic one could have been used as it doesn't really fit the song. however i wish that people would see past the title and misplaced metaphor to the true meaning of the song. it is to restore hope to the listener, and reassure the troubled soul that he is not alone in this life and world. a full list of the banned songs: "A Day In The Life" - the Beatles "Rocket Man" - Elton John "Another One Bites The Dust" - Queen "Sunday Bloody Sunday" - U2 "Bodies" - Drowning Pool "Death Blooms" - Mudvayne "Dread and the Fugitive" - Megadeth "Sweating Bullets" - Megadeth "Click Click Boom" - Saliva "Boom" - P.O.D. "Seek And Destroy" - Metallica "Harvester Of Sorrow" - Metallica "Enter Sandman" - Metallica "Fade To Black" - Metallica "Head Like A Hole" - NineInch NAils "Bad Religion" - Godsmack "Intolerance" - Tool "Blow Up The Outside World" - Soundgarden "Shot Down In Flames" - AC/ DC "Shoot To Thrill" - AC/ DC "Dirty Deeds" - AC/ DC "Highway To Hell" - AC/ DC "TNT" - AC/ DC "Hell's Bells" - AC/ DC "War Pigs" - Black Sabbath "Sabbath Bloody Sabbath" - Black Sabbath "Suicide Solution" - Black Sabbath "Holy Diver" - Dio "Jet Airliner" - Steve Miller "Jump" - Van Halen "Killer Queen" - Queen "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" - Pat Benatar "Love Is A Battlefield" - Pat Benatar "Dead Man's Party" - Oingo Boingo "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" - R.E. M. "Burning Down The House" - Talking Heads "Some Heads Are Gonna Roll" - Judas Pries "Run Like Hell" - Pink Floyd "Mother" - Pink Floyd "Crash And Burn" - Savage Garden "Crash Into Me" - Dave Matthews Band "Walk Like An Egyptian" - Bangles "My City Was Gone" - Pretender "Ironic" - Alanis Morissette "Falling For The First Time" - Barenaked Ladies "Bad Day" - Fuel "St. Elmo's Fire" - John Parr "When You're Falling" - Peter Gabriel "Dust In The Wind" - Kansas "Stairway To Heaven" - Led Zeppelin "A Day In The Life" - Beatles "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" - Beatles "Ticket To Ride" - Beatles "Obla Di, Obla Da" - Beatles "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" - Bob Dylan f/ Guns N Roses "Fire" - Arthur Brown "Burnin' For You" - Blue Oyster Cult "Live And Let Die" - Paul McCartney and Wings "Hey Joe" - Jimmy Hendrix "Doctor My Eyes" - Jackson Browne "Crumbling Down" - John Mellencamp "I'm On Fire" - John Mellencamp "Smokin'" - Boston "Only The Good Die Young" - Billy Joel "Eye Of Destruction" - Barry McGuire "Na Na Na Na Hey Hey" - Stream "On Broadway" - Drifters "Johnny Angel" - Shelly Fabares "Black Is Black" - Los Bravos "I Go To Pieces" - Peter and Gordon "A World Without Love" - Peter and Gordon "(You're The) Devil In Disguise" - Elvis "She's Not There" - Zombies "Benny And The Jets" - Elton John "Daniel" - Elton John "Great Balls Of Fire" - Jerry Lee Lewis "Evil Ways" - Santana "What A Wonderful World" - Louis Armstrong "Get Together" - Youngblood "The Boy From New York City" - Ad Libs "Blowin' In The Wind" - Peter Paul and Mary "Leavin' On A Jet Plane" - Peter Paul and Mary "Ruby Tuesday" - Rolling Stones "Bridge Over Troubled Water" - Simon and Garfunkel "See You In September" - Happenings "I Feel The Earth Move" - Carole King "In The Year 2525" - Yager and Evans "Spirit In The Sky" - Norman Greenbaum "Worst That Could Happen" - Brooklyn Bridge "When Will I See You Again" - Three Degrees "Peace Train" - Cat Stevens "Morning Has Broken" - Cat Stevens "Dead Man's Curve" - Jan and Dean "Nowhere to Run" - Martha and the Vandellas "Dancing In The STreets" - Martha and the Vandellas; Van Halen "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother" - Hollies "Wonder World" - Sam Cooke; Herman Hermits "A Sign Of The Times" - Petula Clark "American Pie" - Don McLean "Last Kiss" - J. Frank Wilson "That'll Be The Day" - Buddy Holly and the Crickets "Imagine" - John Lennon "Mack The Knife" - Bobby Darin "Rock The Casbah" - The Clash "Wipeout" - Surfaris "And When I Die" - Blood Sweat and Tears "Bits And Pieces" - Dave Clark Five "Disco Inferno" - Tramps "The Night Chicago Died" - Paper Lace "New York, New York" - Frank Sinatra "Travelin' Band" - Creedence Clearwater Revival "You Dropped A Bomb On Me" - the Gap Band "Smooth Criminal" - Alien Ant Farm "Duck And Run" - 3 Doors Down "The End" - The Doors "Jumper" - Third Eye Blind "America" - Neil Diamond "Fly Away" - Lenny Kravitz "Free Fallin'" - Tom Petty "I'm On Fire" - Bruce Springsteen "Goin' Down" - Bruce Springsteen "In The Air Tonight" - Phil Collins "Rooster" - Alice in Chains "Sea Of Sorrow" - Alice in Chains "Down In A Hole" - Alice in Chains "Them Bone" - Alice in Chains "Sure Shot" - Beastie Boys "Sabotage" - Beastie Boys "Fire Woman" - The Cult "Santa Monica" - Everclear "Hey Man, Nice Shot" - Filter "Learn To Fly" - Foo Fighters "Falling Away From Me" - Korn "Aeroplane" - Red Hot Chili Peppers "Under The Bridge" - Red Hot Chili Peppers "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" - Smashing Pumpkins "Chop Suey!" - System of a Down "End Of The World" - Skeeter Davis "Travelin' Man" - Rickey Nelson "Have You Seen Her" - Chi-Lites "We Gotta Get Out Of This Place" - Animals "Rescue Me" - Fontella Bass "Devil With The Blue Dress" - Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels "Fire And Rain" - James Taylor "War" - Edwin Starr; Bruce Springsteen "Tuesday's Gone" - Lynyrd Skynyrd "Break Stuff" - Limp Bizkit "Brain Stew" - Green Day "Say Hello To Heaven" - Temple of the Dog "Fly" - Sugar Ray "Bound For The Floor" - Local H "Left Behind" - Slipknot "Wait And Bleed" - Slipknot "Speed Kills" - Bush "Down" - 311 "Big Bang Baby" - Stone Temple Pilots "Dead And Bloated" - Stone Temple Pilots "Fell On Black Days" - Soundgarden "Black Hole Sun" - Soundgarden "99 Luft Balloons"/("99 Red Balloons") - Nina ...and all songs by band Rage Against The Machine your uptown girl *Rachel Monday, 17 September 2001--------------------------------------------------- song i'm listening to: how are you, out there? i just don't know what to make of men, anymore. my heart belongs to a guy who is far away, but i don't have as much intimacy as i'd like, nor do i know him well enough to satisfy me and make my feelings seem sane and reasonable. then last night another guy, who would never dance with me when we were dating and hasn't been responding to my instant messages and was finally taken off of my buddy list, started talking to me and said that we should go out dancing sometime. i don't know what to do with it anymore... every time i meet a guy online - excepting Marv, really - they go crazy and become obsessive about me and their "love." i wish i could just find a nice, normal male to talk to.. but there aren't that many around. what is it about me? what do i do to them.. and why can't i work that sort of charm in person, so i wouldn't be alone all the time? this song has been running through my mind forever, for years now. it is just the pattern of things; it seems whenever i come down off of the fence and begin to live life again, i get abandoned for someone or something more flashy. then no one wants to know about me, unless i have something they need - in which case they'll use me like an orange and throw away the peel without a second thought when finished. and this isn't reallly my fault, this time. even last night in the dorm when i saw three girls dancing to some music and working on choreography, and i asked what they were doing, they were all cheerful and insisted i had to go to the unity program at which they were to perform. later on, when i had brought my crocheting into the room to work on it, they ignored me entirely. - that was their rudeness, not mine. i hold doors for the girls in my dorm - usually when they have boyfriends and want to act "cool," incidentally - and get a rude stare rather than a thank you from them. it's on their hide, not mine; it's their rudeness and inconsiderate, cavalier attitude that is responsible. i just don't know what it is with them.. i could certainly never be a lesbian, especially if this is what my female peers are like! missing you - john waite every time i think of you i always catch my breath and i'm still standing here and you're miles away and i'm wondering why you left and there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight i hear your name in certain circles and it always makes me smile i spend my time thinking about you and it's almost driving me wild and there's a heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight (chorus) i ain't missing you at all since you've been gone away i ain't missing you no matter what i may say there's a message in the wild and i'm sending you this signal tonight you don't know how desperate i've become and it looks like i'm losing this fight in your world i have no meaning though i'm trying hard to understand and it's my heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight (chorus-2) i ain't missing you at all since you've been gone away i ain't missing you no matter what my friends say and there's a message that i'm sending out like a telegraph to your soul and if i can't bridge this distance stop this heartbreak overload (chorus-2) i ain't missing you i ain't missing you i keep lying to myself and there's a storm that's breaking through my frozen heart tonight (chorus-2) ain't missing you.. (ad lib) ----------------------------------------------------- the saddest thing? when i mention that song, no one gets the message and asks me about the way i feel. even people that are usually warm suddenly turn frigid. it does help me pick out the true friends, if nothing else. *sigh* but really, who needs these thoughts? missing you *Rachel |