The Jokes

MICROSOFT WIDOW

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin? 

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself. 

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be. 

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now."

TOP 10 REASONS COMPUTERS ARE MALE

   10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 

     9.  A better model is always just around the corner. 

     8.  They look nice and shinny until you bring them home. 

     7.  It is always necessary to have a backup. 

     6.  They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. 

     5.  The best part of having either one is the games you can play. 

     4.  In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 

     3.  The lights are on but nobody's home. 

     2.  Big power surges knock them out for the night. 

     1.  Size does matter.

Programming: Jesus vs. Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.  They set themselves before their computers and begin.  They type furiously,  lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.  Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces the contest is over.  He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.   Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing.  I lost it all when the power went out."

Very well, then, says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."  Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.  Satan is astonished.  He stutters, "B-b-but how?!  I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact?

How did he do it?"  God chuckles, "Everybody knows...Jesus saves."

COMPUTER VIRUS'S

Woody Allen Virus
Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card. 

Tonya Harding Virus
Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons. 

Paul Revere Virus 
Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\. 

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1 K of disk space into 1 Meg. 

Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic WAV while it shreds your files. 

Joey Buttafuoco Virus 
Only attacks minor files. 

Lorena Bobbit Virus 
Your hard disc turns into a 3.5 floppy. 

Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored. 

Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive's FAT. 

Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands to 300 MB. 

AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. 

MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus. 

Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a "virus," instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." 

Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits. 

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident.  It'll be back. 

Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything isfine. 

Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. 

Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer. 

Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. 

Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. 

Airline Virus
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. 

Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive. 

PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money. 

Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again. 

LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

The Moles

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole.  They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.  The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

Speeding Amish

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. 

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning.  You have a broken reflector on your buggy." says the officer.

"Oh,  I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." the women replies.

"That's fine.  But, there's another thing, ma'am.  I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls.  I consider that animal abuse.  That's cruelty to animals.  Have your husband take care of that right away!" he warns.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.  "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" Jacob asks.

"He said the reflector is broken." she tells him.

"I can fix that in two minutes." Jacob replies, "Anything else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."

Mouse Balls

Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun.  I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing.  I take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it."  And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away.

The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

Prostitute Parrots

A lady approaches a priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.  I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?", the priest asked.

"They only know how to say 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'"

"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem.  Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots.  I have taught to pray and read the Bible.  Hopefully, my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

"Thank you." said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.  The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes!  Do you want to have some FUN?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BEADS AWAY!  OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!"

The Magician & The Parrot

A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all the magician's tricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out how the magician made everything in the act disappear.

The parrot grew to be bored shitless, his owner was growing stale and was not developing any new tricks that the parrot could figure out.

One night in the middle of the magician's performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion.

Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician.  And stared. And stared.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.

Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, "Awright, I give up.  What did you do with the goddamn ship?"

"Ahh Nuts"

Two guys go hunting.  Tim has never gone hunting.  Scott has hunted all his life.  When they get to the woods, Scott tells Tim to sit quietly by a  tree while Scott checks out a deer stand and to not make a sound.

After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Scott hears a blood-curdling scream.  He rushes back to Tim and yells, I thought I told you to be quiet!"

Tim says, Hey, I tried.  I really did.  When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound.  When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep.  But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any longer!"

The Hunting Trip

Bill's all excited about his new rifle.  So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska.  The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot.  There is a tap on his shoulder and he turns around to see a big black bear.

The black bear says: "You've got two choices.  One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex".

Bill bends over for the bear.  He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.

Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him.  At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder.  A huge grizzly is standing right behind him.

The grizzly says:  "That was a big mistake.  You've got two choices.  Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

Bill bends over.  He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover and he's outraged.

Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range.  There's a tap on his shoulder.  He turns around to fine an enormous polar bear standing right behind him.

The polar bear says: "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?" 

• Heaven & Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.  Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.  After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just WHERE are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

• The Polish Blonde

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland.  The man tells her it will be $300. 

She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"

To that the man asks, "Anything??"

The blonde says, "Yes, ANYTHING!!"

With that, the man says, "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."  She does.

He then says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.

He then says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello...Mom?"

• 3 Blondes & A Genie

Three blonds were walking down the street and they found a genie's bottle. They rubbed it, the genie popped out and he told them they could each have one wish.

The first blond says, "I want my IQ raised 20 points." POOF! She turns into a brunette.

The second blond thinks to herself, that's really drastic. "Ok," she decides, 'I want my IQ raised 10 points." POOF! She turns into a redhead.

The third blond is standing there thinking that she REALLY likes her blond hair, and doesn't like what happened to the other two girls. So she says "I want my IQ lowered 20 points." POOF! She turns into a man.

• One Liners

Q: What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A: Oh look, doughnut seeds.

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

Q: Why can't Blondes dial 911?
A: They can't find the eleven on the phone!

Q: A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh, look at
      the dead bird."
A: The Blonde looked skyward and said "Where, where?"

Q: Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a
     drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: What's the difference between a blonde male and a blonde female?
A: The blonde female has a higher sperm count.

Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde standing on the corner?
A: 2 Tight Ends and a Wide Receiver

• Three Blondes

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy!  It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and we are thankful for..."

"Wrong!" interupts St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus. "

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover.  Jesus and his disciples were eating at the Last Supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples.  The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands.  He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

• Brown Haired Blonde

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.  Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right!  O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal.  Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you.  If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Quickies

Diamonds are a girl's best friends.
Dogs are man's best friend.
So figure it out . . . which is the smarter sex?

Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.  This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?
        MENstruation
        MENopause
        MENtal breakdown
        GUYnecology

Q: What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence?
A: Divorced.

Green Thumb

Once there was a beutiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden.  However, no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.  Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

"It's reall quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.  "So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly, "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

Free Stuff

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.  She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.  The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

Tax Time

The only thing the IRS has not taxed is the penis.  This is due to the fact that 40% of the time, it's hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it's pissed off, 30% of the time it's hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole.  On top of all this, it has two dependants and they are both nuts. 

Accordingly, starting January 1, 1998, penises will be taxed according to size.  To determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on Page 2, Section 7, Line 3 of the standard 1040P form. 

      10 to 12 Inches*       Luxury Tax          $50.00 
        8 to 10 inches         Pole Tax             $30.00 
        6 to 8 inches           Privilege Tax      $15.00 
        4 to 6 inches           Nuisance Tax     $ 5.00 
 

PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. 
PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN EXTENTION. 
*Males exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gains.

Sincerely, 

Pecker Checker 
Internal Revenue Service

• Scotch Expert

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch.  The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."

The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch.  The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth.  Give me 12-year scotch!"

Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing." 

A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest.  He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do.  Try this one."

The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh!  This stuff tastes like piss!"  The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old
am I?"

• My Son - My Son

Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom Break.  Three guys are left...

First guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he. s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

Second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor.  Turns out he got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm.  In fact, He. s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

Third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, he got a break, they made him a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he. s so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."

Fourth guy comes back from the can.  The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I. m embarrassed to admit that my son is a major disappointment.  He started out as a hairdresser and is still a hairdresser after 15 years.  In fact I just found out that he. s gay and has several boyfriends.  But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house and $1 million in stock for his birthday."

• Drinking Buddies

A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at JFK New York; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, that will kinda give you a buzz."  So they do drink it, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinkin' buddies can do.

The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't.  He gets up and feels good, in fact, he feels great- NO hangover!

The phone rings, it's his buddy.  The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

He said, "I feel great!!"  The buddy says, "I feel great too!!  You don't have a hangover?"  He says, "No- that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing... "

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No..."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"

• Embarrasing Situation

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.  After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Ummm, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs, "NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!"  Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed, and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.  She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.  You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds at the top of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, $200 DOLLARS?!"

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The  bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here."  The mushroom says,  "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.   "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't  stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Smokin' in the Rain

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette.  It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea!  But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom?  Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.

When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the  pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.

The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

Tickets Please

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.  At the top of the stairs stood a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.  The stewardess said, "I'm sorry
sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

News Flash: Viagra Shipment  -  Hijacked

Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow Airport, but was hijacked on the way to the depot.

Scotland Yard have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she  interrupted and said, Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift.  One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I ?Just use
copier paper, she told him.  With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named i386. He started to type it and paused, asking me, Where's the key for that line thing?

I asked what he was talking about, and he said, You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark. I replied, You mean the letter i? and he said, Yeah,
that's it!

I was at a friends to watch a movie we from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, This movie has been altered to fit your television screen. Comment from other person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"

Masquerade Party

A guy is invited to a masquerade party and couldn't figure out what to dress up as.  He finally decided and stripped totally naked and put on a pair of roller blades on.

When asked what he was, he replied: "A pull toy of course."

When In Rome

Two guys immigrate to America.  On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights.  As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry.  They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs.

One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God.  Do they eat dogs in America?"

"I don't know!" says the other, equally appalled.

"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do."

They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please."

The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks.

The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch.  One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"

Oh Shit

Shit is a powerful word.  Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can  communicate with it.  Shit may just be the most powerful word in the
 English  language.  Consider:

You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.  With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place  for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat  shit and die.

You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.  People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit faced, and shit over.  Some  people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.  There is bull shit, dog shit, cat shit, bird shit, rat shit, and horse shit. There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, and slimy shit.

You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit marbles, or shit your brains out.  You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.  You can take a shit, give a shit, keep shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.  Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plane shitty.  There is funny shit and sad shit, bad shit and good shit.  Some shit doesn't stink while other things really smell like shit.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.  You can be faster than shit or you can be slower than shit.  Sometimes you'll find shit on a stick, sometimes you'll find shit everywhere, and then there are times when you can't find shit at all.  You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.  You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel, have a pile of shit, have a mountain of shit, have a river of shit, or find yourself up shit's creek without a paddle.

You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit or jump shit, and some people just can't cut the shit.  There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit and serious shit.  Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.  You can stir shit, kick shit or stick your ass out the window and shit on the world.  Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you  swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.  This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG DUMP.  Keep that in mind the next time you flush  the toilet.  And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else "Genius is the ability to reduce complicated shit into simple shit."

Top 16 Rejected "Motel 6" Slogans

16.  We're working on that smell thing, too.

15.  Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.

14.  As seen on "COPS".

13.  If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the
       Sheets.

12.  Not just for nooners anymore.

11.  We left off the 9, but you know it's there.

10.  You rented the room, now buy the video.

 9.   Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have 
       money left over for a hooker.

 8.   We'll leave the Lysol for ya!

 7.   Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on
       your salary, pal!

 6.   We don't make the adultery.  We make the adultery better.

 5.    It's Hookerriffic!

 4.    Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.

 3.    Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!

 2.   Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother

AND the Number 1 Rejected "Motel 6" Slogan. . .

 1.    We put the "Ho" in "Motel"

Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.  They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling.  We come in peace.  Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting.  There was no response.

The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling.  We come in peace.  How dare you ignore us in this way!  Take us to your leader, or I will fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you mustn't anger him!", but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature.  It nearly killed us!  But, how did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, you don't mess with him!"

• If . . . Why . . . When . . . How . . . 

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

When a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose?

Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through ATM's?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Why do they call it a TV set when you have only one?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when men are driving and looking for an address, they turn down the volume on the radio?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

What do you do if an endangered animal eats an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of  parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

• Questions to Ponder

 1.   I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
       She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

 2.   Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything
       outdoors?

 3.   Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 4.   Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

 5.   Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

 6.   If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

 7.   Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

 8.   Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

 9.   Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

10.  If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

11.  Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.  If you tell him a
        bench has wet paint, why does he has to touch it?

12.  How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when
       someone threw a gun at him?

13.  Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real
        lemons?

14.  Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

15.  Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

16.  Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

17.  Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

• FIRST INSTINCT

This is a little game that has a pretty fun outcome.  Don't read ahead, just do it in order.

It takes about 3 minutes, it's worth it.

First, Get a piece of paper and pen. 

P.S. When you are asked to choose names, make sure it's people you ACTUALLY KNOW, and go with your first instincts! 

Scroll down one line at a time - don't read ahead or you'll ruin the fun!! 

Are you ready spaghetti. . . . 
 
 
 
 

1.) First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

2.) Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write any two numbers you want. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

3.) Beside the  3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex (or same sex if you're gay). 
 
 
 
 
 

REMEMBER:  Don't look ahead-or it won't turn out right! 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

4.) Write anyone's name (like friends or family...) in the 4th, 5th and 6th spots.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

5.) Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10 and 11. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

6.) Finally, make a wish..... 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

And here is the key for the game...
 
 
 
 

1.)  You must tell (the # in space 2) people about this game in (the # in space 1) days in order to make your wish come true. 
 

2.)   The person in space 3 is the one that you love. 
 

3.) The person in 7 is one you like but can't work out. 
 

4.) You care most about the person you put in 4. 
 

5.) The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well. 
 

6.) The person you name in 6 is your lucky star. 
 

7.) The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in 3. 
 

8.) The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7. 
 

9.) The tenth space is the song that tells you most about your mind. 
 

10.) And 11 is the song telling how you feel about life!

• HOW SMART ARE YOU REALLY

Take this quiz, if you dare, and see!!
Scoring is as follows:
Correct Answers Rating:

12        Genius
10-11  Above Normal
7-9       Normal
4-6       Slow
1-3       Idiot
0          Brain Dead
 

1.    Do they have a 4th of July in England?

2.    How many birthdays does the average man have?

3.    Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?

4.    How many outs are in an inning?

5.    Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?

6.    Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10.  What is the answer?

7.    If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you
       have?

8.    A doctor give you three pills telling you to take one every
       half hour.  How many minutes would the pills last?

9.    A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die.  How many are left?

10.  How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

11.  A clerk in the butcher shop is 5'10" tall.  What does he weigh?

12.  How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
 
 

** Don't read any further until you've answered all of the questions.

ANSWERS:

1.    Is there a fourth of July in England?
       Yes, it comes after the third of July!

2.    How many birthdays does the average man have?
       Just one!

3.    Some months have 31 days, how many have 28?
       12 - all of them

4.    How many outs are there in an inning?
        6 - three per side

5.    Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
       No because he is dead!

6.    Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10.  What is the answer?
       70 (30 by 2 equals 15, but 30 divided by 1/2 equals 60)

7.    If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you
        have?
       2, you took them, remember?

8.    A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half
        hour.  How many minutes would the pills last?
        60 minutes, start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd,
        then 30 minutes for the 3rd.

9.    A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die.  How many are left?
       9.

10.   How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
        0, Moses didn't have an ark, Noah did!

11.  A clerk in the butcher shop is 5'10" tall.  What does he weigh?
        Meat, a butcher weighs meat!!!

12.  How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
       There are 12.

"Ed-Zachary" Disease

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time.  She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate.

In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass, away from me, across the froor."

She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you
crawl real fass back to me," and she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed-Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem."

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what is this "Ed
Zachary Disease".

"Ed-Zachary Disease....that when your face look ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!"

History Of Medicine

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen.  Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition.  Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil.  Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective.  Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial.  Here, eat this root.

Diagnosis

A man walks into a Doctors office.  He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"Whats the matter with me Doc?" he asked.

"You're not eating properly!" replied the Doctor.

Male Birth Control

After the birth of their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that enough was enough. The husband went to the doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want any more children, and he asked what could the doctor do to help. 

The doctor smiled, told him to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten. 

The man relayed this story to his wife, and shaking his head in doubt said, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help!" 

His wife agreed, and they drove to Missouri together for a second opinion. 

Surprisingly enough, when they told the second doctor why they'd come, he asked them where they were from, and then told them to buy a cherry bomb, put it in a can, and for the husband to hold it next to his ear and count to ten. 

Deciding that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the couple went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can.  The husband held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and counted on his other hand: "6, 7, 8..."