A guideline for back to school.

For those of us with children some helpful tips on surviving back to school.

1. Assemble all children together and inform them that they will NOT! be going with you while shopping for back to school supplies. Instead have a creative family night where they may write up their shopping lists while you catch up on your email. This first step is most important! Not only will you save several hours of shopping time by not having to find your missing children in the store, arguing over why your daughter cannot have the 75 dollar designer backpack even though everyone and I do mean EVERYONE else will have it, you won't have to listen to the incessant whining from your oldest boy that he doesn't need any supplies at all....he'd rather have the newest gameboy game that's out because in real life he won't need to use math anyway, and your toddler's crying followed by vomiting in the middle of the aisle won't be missed (trust me) by the other shoppers who haven't taken this advice and instead are dealing with the above mentioned scenarios.

2. Pick a day and time that your sure the stores won't be crowded with other back to school shoppers. I usually find that the 24 hour Walmart at 2 a.m. in the morning is usually not that busy....I have however been wrong on this occasion as other mothers are quickly finding this little trick out. *Note...you'll also have to deal with only one checkout line at this time and most likely a cashier that works at that hour only because the manager of the store either knows he or she really is that incompetant, or he or she cannot function during daylight hours. (This is apparent by lack of any skin color and the ghastly vampirish clothing, body piercings, and tattoos proclaiming all humanity is evil...or something to that effect.)

3. Upon entering the store test drive several shopping carts....you'll find that the few good ones that will actually traverse a straight line are usually at the very front of the stack. When you have found a cart that perhaps only veers to the left a little, head for the very back of the store, keeping your eyes focused straight ahead, this will ensure any "browsing" which usually results in "buying" from impeding your mission. All back to school items will in the far back in a corner not clearly marked by signs which you as the diligent shopper will have to find. Stay focused and keep working your way to the back of the store...trust me the supplies are back there, this is another ruse by "marketing" to get you to "browse and buy". After you have filled your cart with that darling little purse that was on sale, the 36 roll package of toilet paper, 50 lb bag of dog food, and nite light bulb (couldn't keep your eyes focused straight ahead could you?!) you now realize you have no more room in your cart and must go back for another. Repeat step 3 again this time remembering to stay FOCUSED!!

4. When you find the school supplies and realize that you forgot the lists that you had your children make don't panic....after all they need the same basic supplies every year don't they? Quickly fill your second cart with the neccessary, paper, notebooks, pens, pencils, crayons, and backpacks and head to the checkout. Once again remember to keep your eyes focused straight ahead and walk quickly!

5. At the checkout line remember to fill out your check in advance while waiting for the dull-eyed vampire looking teen to check out the other 10 people waiting in line ahead of you. DO NOT fill your cart with the items placed near the checkout to entice you while waiting! You do not really need a mini pen light or 24 pack of chewing gum!

After unloading your cart and waiting patiently for the cashier to try and scan the same item 20 times offer to go back and get another of the same item. Return with same item and the cutest refridgerator magnet that says "I love my kids." (yeah right!), only to realize that the whole time you've been gone the slack jawed teen has been standing there staring at his or her newest tattoo. Wait 20 more minutes for he or she to finish scanning your items. Load all items back into your two shopping carts and head home knowing that thank god this experience is over for another year!

6. Get home just in time to get the kids up and ready for school. Enjoy the rest of the day with just the two year old who has discovered how to open the fridge and empty it's contents.

7. Greet children at the door smiling and asking how their first day of school was. Try not to scream when they all give you a list of back to school supplies from the teachers none of which you bought last night and they need by tomorrow.