Last Saturday while skimming through the morning paper I came across the section in the classifieds for auctions. My eyes immediately lit up as I read through the ad. It wasn't far and it was that day at 1 in the afternoon. Peeking over the paper at my mate I let out a mournful sigh. Getting no response I sighed again a little louder this time. Still he sat there absorbed in what ever he was reading. I rustled the paper and sighed yet again putting every ounce of woe I could into it.

He finally looked at me. "What's the matter?" The tone in his voice telling me he knew he wouldn't like the answer.

"I'm bored."

Dave then proceeded to name off a list of possibilities to alleviate the problem all of which I "nah'd" and "I don't think so'd". I kept my best bored face on tight. Finally he asked the dreaded question.

"What do 'YOU' want to do?" I jumped on it like a dog on a bone!

I jumped up bringing the section of paper with me excitedly shoving it in front of him.

"I wanna go to an auction!" He just stared blankly at the paper as I pointed out the ad. I could hear the wheels turning in his head looking for an out. I waited, confidant of winning this one.

"The forecast calls for rain, and this is outside." "They'll have tents put up I'm sure for just that possibility." BAM! That was one shot down. "It will probably be crowded." "It's in the country how many people can there be?" BAM! That was two. "There will probably be nothing there but junk." "The ad says antiques and a lot of nice collectibles from the estate." BAM! Three down. I was growing more confident by the second. "I was going to mow the yard today." "You already said it was going to rain." BAM! He'd hung himself with his own earlier argument! "I'll go and get my shoes on." he sighed. I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek keeping my feet from doing a happy little victory dance.

In the car I began to tell Dave all about the exciting world of auctions. I had been to a friends house a week ago and noticed a beautiful curio cabinet standing in the corner of her living room. Sherry filled me in on her wonderful new acquisition telling me what a deal she had gotten bidding on it at auction. She and I spent the rest of the afternoon with her filling me in on how they worked and the wonderful treasures waiting to be found.

I imparted all this knowledge to Dave as he sullenly drove. Wanting to make the experience as joyful for him as I knew it would be for me I pulled my trump card. "Sherry told me that when she goes to auctions her husband finds power tools and other equipment practically brand new and at half the price they would sell for new."

Dave broke his eyes away from the road to look at me and see if what I was imparting was true. I could see the gleam in his eyes thinking of rows of sanders, routers and drills all for the taking at a ridiculous price.

"They're selling that today?" he sounded skeptical but hopeful at the same time. "Well I imagine since it's an estate being sold off that everything will be sold including tools."

I settled back smugly patting myself on the back.

Dave drove on a little faster now and with the look of a man with a mission. When we got to the auction my elation dropped a little as we saw a line of cars parked back for blocks.

Seeing Dave's scowl I quickly pointed out the nearest parking space and rattled on about who knew it would be this busy!

After walking the near mile in silence, well almost silence, Dave kept muttering something under his breath that I chose to ignore, we finally saw signs directing us to the garage where the registration was taking place. We stood in line and moved slowly forward all the while the heat of the day beating down causing my shirt to stick like a second skin. Glancing over at Dave who was still mouthing words I pretended not to hear, I saw that the heat was affecting him the same way.

After registering and carrying my numbered paddle like a trophy we headed towards the back of the house where there were row upon row of treasures yet to be found! I looked gleefully at Dave who had a look of skepticism as he took in the scene.

Deciding that I didn't want him to ruin this day I figured the best course would be to split up.

"Why don't you head over that way where I'm sure there will be tools and man stuff." I said pointing in the opposite direction of where I wished to go. "And I'll look over here at the household items."

Dave nodded still wearing that look that told me he was already planning to nix any future ideas of going to these things.

I shrugged off his mood eager to begin my search for the perfect treasure. Looking around I decide that the best place to start would be at the beginning so I started up the first row of boxes filled with miscellaneous, well to be honest JUNK!" Mismatched sets of dishes, old and torn towels, sheets, and clothing, I was beginning to think that my friend Sherry had steered me wrong about all the goodies to be had at these things.

After an hour of sweating in the hot sun and jostling people my mood was growing more irritated by the minute! I was becoming especially irked by a couple of little beasts who's parents were giving them free rein to play tag among the boxes and the people.

Just as I was ready to call "uncle" and find Dave to tell him I was ready to go home, I saw him walking through the crowd towards me. He was wearing a look of triumph and as he neared he began to fill me in on his wonderful excursion.

"Seems the owners of this place, the husband, was a tinkerer." Dave started in. "He has a TON of tools and garden equipment." I tried to show him how happy I was by pasting a smile on my face, which quickly disappeared when one of the little "beasts" tried to use me as a block from his oncoming sisters tag.

Dave looked down and grinned at the little gremlin. "Cute ain't he?" I looked suspiciously at my mate....obviously he had been replaced by aliens while he was away from me. "Yeah right." I snorted stepping away from the creature.

Dave grinned at the retreating squealing brat and happily asked, "Found anything you like.? This place is filled with stuff! I was skeptical but now..."

Not wanting to admit that my plan for the day was a total bust, "A few things." I lied. "Great!" "So when does the auctioning start?" "Great!" I mimicked sarcastically under my breath. "In about half an hour." I replied looking down at the watch where the heat from the sun made it stick to my arm.

Wanting this to be over quickly the whole experience a complete waste of time in my mind I moved ahead through the crowd with Dave tagging along behind. Around the side of the house my mood lifted. Here was where the furniture had been placed. Suddenly the afternoon showed promise!

I immediately spotted a gorgeous bedroom set. The old kind with the round mirror suspended above a lady's dressing table. There was also the headboard and an upright dresser to match. Dave and I had been looking for a set for our bedroom and still in limbo about what we really wanted had put off purchasing anything.

But this!! This was it! I lovingly touched the deep walnut wood picturing it in my house. Mentally I placed all the pieces in our bedroom and it looked perfect!

"Oh Dave look!" I said with awe still running my hands over the dressing table. "Uh huh." "Don't you just love it?" "Think how great this would look in our bedroom!" "You like this?" I was stunned! How could he not see just how perfect this suite was? God men had no clue when it came to furnishings! "It's beautiful..." my voice trailed off as a woman came into view looking at my bedroom set. She started pulling out the drawers and nodding. It took every ounce of self restraint I had to keep from rubbing off the fingerprints she left on the wood.

I turned to Dave with a pleading look. My eyes screaming for him to toss the woman out! Dave paying no attention his eyes roaming around the menagerie left me to my own devices.

Trying to look as suave as I could I sidled up next to the tramp. (she had sunk lower in my eyes) She looked over and smiled brightly. "Isn't this set wonderful?" she asked.

"Not bad." came my curt reply.

I was seeing her in her true colors! A hussy! Probably a madam with a whorehouse in some seedy part of town. She was looking for furniture cheap to decorate one of her sordid "fantasy" rooms.

I stepped back and grabbed Daves hand. He still uncaring that my bedroom set was being soiled by even the proximity of this, this, person! I quickly changed tactics and turning to Dave began talking loud enough to be sure she could hear.

"I dunno hon....I know the set is nice and all...but it is sort of "scruffy" looking don't you think?" "And I'm sure the scratches will never be buffed out."

"Your right, so why do you want it so bad then?"

I could have killed him right there on the spot! Glaring daggers and making motions to the woman with my eyes I squeezed his hand in a death grip making him wince. He simply stared stupidly at me like I was the one who had lost my mind! Men honestly don't know the faintest thing about subtlety!

Pretending to ignore his question I quickly went on with my plan. "You know I heard the woman who owned this set died in this very bed!?" "Your kidding? How morbid!"

That's my boy I thought give the whore something to think about! "I'll bet with that rumor floating around no one will bid on this stuff!" Dave said.

Wanting to kick him in the shins but not wanting to show the ruse I kicked him in the ankle instead. "OW!" he screeched. "What the hell did you do that for?" With the innocence of a newborn babe I simply said, "Do what de-ar?" Rubbing his ankle with his other foot Dave looked at me with astonishment.

Just then a man with a bullhorn announced that the auction would take place in 5 minutes.

We jostled our way to a spot where we could see the items being auctioned off. As the afternoon wore away with the interminable drone of the auctioneer my mind wandered back to that gorgeous furniture.

I could see myself lovingly polishing the wood until it shown. With a scarf on my head and an apron around my waist I looked the perfect picture of a doting housewife. Our children would run and jump into the bed with us. I would place a perfect strand of pearls around my daughters neck on prom night while she sat in front of the dressing table.... I sighed with the perfection of my life. It didn't matter that I had never worn an apron in my life...nor were we keen on having kids, and not a strand of pearls did I own. None of that mattered. At least not right now.

Dave brought me out of my reverie. "Can you believe it? Not a bad price!" "What?" I tried to focus. "20 bucks for a gas weed trimmer is pretty damn good!" He was smiling triumphantly. "You bid on a weed-eater"? I asked dumbly.
Dave just looked at me and shook is head as if to say "When are the men in white coats coming to get you?"

Two hours later with my feet killing me, sweat drenched and sun burnt they finally were getting to my furniture. Dave had successfully bid on several items and was like a kid at Christmas. I on the other hand was hoping to find another ride home.

The auctioneer described my bedroom set as early 20th century, in very good condition, made of walnut and that it would make a lovely addition to anyone's home. I knew all this and was impatient for him to start the bidding. My paddle already in mid-air ready to strike.

"Let's start the opening bid at One hundred for this lovely group." he began and my paddle shot into the air. My heart was racing, as I quickly scanned the crowd looking for the enemy, those who would dare try and take my prize from me.

The auctioneer acknowledged my bid and quickly added another Twenty-five dollars to the price. From my left and a few rows back I saw another paddle lifted above the crowd. The battle had begun!

"One-twenty-five, I have one-twenty-five, who'll give me one-fifty?" My arm shot up parrying the blow.
"I have one fifty, who'll make it one seventy five?" Another white sword was raised a little further left.
"One seventy five now one seventy five, who'll give me two hundred, two hundred for this beautiful set?"
I thrust mightily and with vigor.

"Two hundred! I have two hundred, now two twenty five?" The first paddle shot up again and I caught a glance of my foe. My eyes narrowed gleaming dangerously, it was the madam, the whore! I raised my sword again hoping for a death blow.

"Two fifty, two fifty to the lady in the front, who'll make it two seventy five?" I watched the third white banner go up determined that no one would keep me from victory! I felt the rest of the crowd melt away leaving me with just the bitch and the unknown black knight. My hand raised again and again and I lost track of the numbers the auctioneer was throwing back and forth. Soon I noticed that the third paddle had faded away and it was just me and my rival. I felt smug satisfaction knowing I had defeated one of my opponents.

"Yes!" I whispered under my breath as my sword sung upwards again. I felt a chuckle rise in my throat creeping out to become a wide feral smile. Soon the battle would be over, yes soon...

"Five fifty to the lady in the second row, five fifty, now six hundred. Who'll make it six?"

My arm was growing weary, the suns heat sapping precious strength, my throat was parched and sweat trickled into my eyes. Still the battle raged on. I felt Dave shifting from foot to foot breaking my concentration. Glancing up I saw a worried look on his face as I shot my arm into the air again not missing a beat in the auctioneers rhythmic chant.

"Just how much do you think that stuff is worth?" he whispered loudly down at me. "I don't know." I practically hissed back. "But I want it!"

Daves' shoulders sunk and he shook his head side to side with a sigh. Quickly I dismissed him looking into the crowd to find my adversary and seeing that she had once again deflected my last blow.

My mind went into tunnel vision and I saw only the witch again and again strike out trying to slice through my defenses. Time seemed to stand still when suddenly as I was about to deal another blow to the whore I felt my arm frozen in mid-air. Staring dumbly at the hand holding it firmly I came out of my stupor.

"What are you doing!?" I nearly screamed the words. "Stopping you from bankrupting us!" Dave threw the words like cold water at me.

Still in fight mode I quickly grabbed the paddle with my other hand and shoved it into the air triumphantly.
"God, please stop!" Dave begged.

I waited as I listened to the auctioneer. "Two thousand! I have two thousand from the lady here in front!" he was smiling widely and I let the number sink into my brain. "My God!" "Two thousand dollars?!" I thought. I was stunned and then I realized that the auctioneer was waiting for my opponent to bid. I looked over and searched for a flash of white. Moments stretched to an eternity and I saw nothing. I held my breath in fear and awe at what I had done.

"SOLD! To the lady in the front! Thank you ma'am." he grinned down at me.

I felt drained. Happy and elated, but drained. That is until I saw Dave's face. You know the look of someone who is not a happy camper? Well Dave had that look! Knowing I was definitely going to hear about this for years to come I tried to make the look go away.

"We really need a bedroom set and the craftsmanship is wonderful and we'll have this set until we die. We can probably even leave it to our kids...if we have kids...." my voice trailed off wondering if we'd ever have sex again to make the kids by the look on Dave's face.

"Let's go pay for it." My dear understanding wonderful spouse muttered. From now until forever I would have to call him by these words.

"Yes dear." I fell into step behind him.

As we passed through the crowd I caught the evil whore-bitchs' eye and she raised her paddle in mock salute. I? Well I stuck out my tongue. Childish I know but I knew I was already grounded by Dave.

The drive home was silent for the most part. I saw Dave's knitted brow refiguring how we were going to pay this months bills. I could feel the warmth of the wood from the furniture crammed in the back of the van thanking me for saving it from a terrible fate..but that might have been my sunburn.

As we drove on I looked out the window and saw a homemade sign posted on farmhouse driveway. "Auction next Saturday July 29th. 10 A.M. " I made a mental note grinning the rest of the way home.

End.