| My own words about me... |
| Not sure where to begin with this "my own words about myself". It may sound too cocky, or even arrogant - that's the last thing I want to be remembered by. Yes, I do know myself well enough after these years. The more I've learned about myself, the more frightened I get. Realize what I have done to myself all these years. Isn't that scary ? I am not a risk taker, but I do take risks from time to time - if the odds favor me. I may act ruthless, even fearless, but heck, I am nervous and scared to death inside. Constantly. I figure I either have covered my fears up well or gotten master psychology 101. It takes courage to be brave, but it takes greater courage to admit one needs encouragement to be brave. I need encouragement and approval, that's where my strength comes from. But somehow, people tend to think I am "pretending" or "faking". I am not. I do need people to tell me if they like me, or enjoy my company or not. Or I will just fade away. Become invisible. I am shaped by the people that run across my life. My parents, younger brother, my dear Godmother, teachers, and close friends. OK, of course, those past love interests, if you insist. (FYI, I am not a "play-girl", not that many, OK ?) Yes, they do play a part in my life, more or less. That I can not deny. Without them, I will not be where I am today. Without them, I will not be what I am now. Life would be quite different for certain. So I have been careful, knowing each person can make such an impact to my life, vice versa, I might pose certain influence to anyone that I pass by. I am afraid to be forgotten. I am so afraid that I hope, if I can remember everyone that comes across my life. Perhaps one of them will still remember me in many years from now. It is a blessing to lead a peaceful normal life. Just to live everyday. Witness sunrise, sunset, grow old, get sick, and then die. Life is a circle. Now, I just want to complete this circle, for I have nothing to regret this life. So far. It will be nice to have someone to grow old with, to live day-by-day life together, to argue who gets to do the laundry, who gets to wash car, takes out the trash etc. If I can't have - it's not about being negative, but being realistic - life goes on until the end. Tell you what I dream of, to sit under the tree in the park, watch puppy chases bird, baby chases puppy, in a warm Saturday afternoon. The last thing I want to do is to ruin another being's life besides my own. A Father told me to seek God inside me, my teacher told us to "keep our hearts as the most sacred, because everything we will do is from hearts". My dear Godmother told me only God is perfect, and we should be satisfied with being only 97% of perfection. (I stand religion-neutral .) It is hard to follow those words. Knowing one's own limitation and push the boundary. It shouldn't be this hard. -- to be continued... |