| Fear - 2003 |
| I didn't write right away. Part of reason is, I am not what I was 10 years ago, not 5 years ago. I waited and thought about it first, I withdraw and shy away from everything I know, I isolated myself, close myself. I need the peace. I was shocked and scared. Very scared I may add. Don't give me that "life is bumpy" crap. I refuse to sit and wait, would rather to put up a good fight for the life I deserve, the life my love ones deserve. Why ? So that I won't regret later for not trying. He, is the best thing that ever happens to my life. A window for me to see an alternative future I can have - not being abandoned. Yes, that's my biggest fear, being left behind, being abandoned. This fear, has been and now again, begin to eating me inside out, and it hurts. I should say, it's the sadness, the sorrow, eating me inside out. So, for those years, I trained, forced, and educated myself - I am alone, I am on my own, no one will care if I die next minute. And you will be surprise how successful I was to brainwash myself. Let's face the fact, I might die here, no one would notice until weeks later the smell of the body begin to bother neighbors, until my rent is overdue... I thought I was free from this fear. Apparently, I am wrong. I want to find, to have someone who will love and keep me unconditionally. Not because I made good grade, not because I always do whatever he asks for, but because "I am". Yeah, it's that "take me as I am". My biggest question now is - have I ever been the love of someone's life ? The joy of someone's life besides my parents ? Don't argue with me that, I am supposed to be and entitled to be the joy of my parents' life by default, but is there someone else ? It may not matter to you, but it matters to me. Well, the quest to conquer fear has begun.....If this fear of being left behind, being alone can ever be conquered.... Damn it... |