Little birdy in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Geeze I'm glad that cows don't fly!Little birdy in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like glue, tastes like sap....OH MY GOSH, IT'S BIRDY CRAP!

A B C D E F G, Jelly Beans are chasing me, There goes Yellow, There goes Red, Oh my gosh one ate my head!

First law of science: don't spit into the wind.

Don't Drink And Drive - You Might Hit A Bump And Spill Your Drink

The person who said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door!

Whoever said words don't hurt never got hit on the head by a dictionary.

Having a smoking section in a resturant is like having a peeing section in a pool.

Boys are like lava lamps: Pretty to look at but not too bright.

Boys are like lightbulbs...some are brighter than others.

Last night I dreamt I ate a huge marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone.

Someday my prince charming will come...He just took a wrong turn and is to stubborn to ask for directions.

God made man first because you have to have a rough draft before you make a masterpiece.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

If Barbie is so popular why do you have to buy all her friends?

I love cats, they tast just like chicken!

Warped Wonderings
What happens when you get scared half to death twice?

If sour cream is already spoiled, how can it go bad?

If you pulled the wings off of a fly, would it still be called a fly, or would it be called a walk?

If a Fig Newton goes stale, is it a Fig Oldton?

Ever wonder why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Ever wonder why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Ever wonder why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why do doctors call what they do a "practice"?

If 'con' is the oppostie of 'pro', then what is the opposite of 'progress'?

Why is there braille on drive through ATM machines?
If you never go looking for trouble, how can you know it's there?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
.Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right."? Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot!"?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you!

Dumb Packagin Labels

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (Is this a shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dove soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how???....)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Well...duh, a bit too late, now...)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...And you thought?...)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (The world would be a better place if only we could get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those darn forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (I'm taking this because?)

On a Lunesta Sleep Aid commercial: 'Warning: Side affects may include....drowsiness...'(Um...DUUUUR.)

On Sunsbury's Peanuts:"Warning: contains nuts." (Well there's a news flash for ya!)