Neon Genesis Evangelion Higher Learning Strike Fiss, 2001 Thirty-Ninth Lesson: "Hanging On" "LET ME OUT!" The nurse fell backwards, completely shocked at the sudden outburst. A tray of needles, medicine, and water fell from her hands with a cry, and clattered to the floor. The redhead on the sterile, hospital sheets crawled backwards away from the nurse, still breathing heavily. The IV needle that had been intended to go into her arm dangled uselessly on her bed. "No! I don't want to stay here! I don't want to stay here!" "Miss Langley! Please relax!" the poor nurse begged, still shaking and edging away from her. "We were just going to replenish some of your hydrates! Nothing else!" By now, a doctor, as well as Misato came rushing into the room, then to a stop. Misato sighed and leaned against the wall, observing Asuka. "Asuka. Relax. We just weren't sure when you were going to wake up. Look around you." Asuka blinked, as if finally realizing where she was. Her entire body slumped down back to the bed like a rag doll. "...I see..." The Doctor helped the nurse up and took a deep, calming breath. Misato smiled and nodded to them that it would be okay for them to leave. They did, gladly. "We were going to keep you here overnight just to keep you under observation. But if you're so active, I'm sure they'll let you go home..." Asuka's head drooped. "N...no...I think maybe I should stay here tonight. I don't feel so well..." Misato sighed and walked over to the bed, sitting down across from Asuka. "Do you remember what happened?" "I...I mean...Shinji was..." she gasped and looked up at Misato. "Is he okay??" "Shaken...very worried...but yes, he's okay." The older woman smiled softly. With the same smile, but a slightly different tone, she sighed. "Shinji told me he was giving you a backrub...are you sure that was all?" Asuka blushed terribly, but nodded. "Just a back-rub...I wouldn't have freaked out so much but..." "Your 'mother' called?" Misato said...the way she emphasized the word showed she knew. Asuka nodded solemnly. "I...I don't know what happened..." A long pause. Misato sighed and finally stood. "I was supposed to meet Ritsuko tonight, but she's not answering her phone. If you don't mind, I'll be happy to stick around in case you need anyone that doesn't want to poke you with needles." She looked up with a grateful smile. "Thank you, Misato-san. That would be nice." "Good." She turned and sighed. "Asuka...you're under a lot of stress. You must know what time of year is coming up..." The silence was the yes she needed. "Just...relax for a bit. Let Shinji take care of you." She turned and smiled. "The boy may be kinda spineless at times, but around you, he always seems to have your best interests in mind." "W...well, of course." She said weakly. "The great Asuka Langley Sohryu deserves no less in a fan-boy." Misato nodded. "I'll be outside in the hall. Ring if you need anything." The door opened briefly, bathing the room in yellow light, then closed to return it to a quiet, moody blue. Asuka cried herself to sleep. "That man is a monster..." Ritsuko said coldly. Maya just sighed and nodded, trying to sneak away the bottle of sake that Ritsuko was hoarding to herself. "So you've said, Sempai." "You know something...he doesn't even care who knows, so long as it doesn't screw up his glorious 'master plan' bullshit." The blond grumbled to herself, moving the bottle to her lips before it could be taken away. "Aaahhh...ahnd...anotherthing...." she hiccupped. "He doe...doesn't even have the decency to tell me in person...he just...leaves a message..." "I still don't see why anyone would want Mister Kaji dead..." Maya shook her head. "He's always so sweet!" "T...that baaaaka..." Ritsuko sighed, letting her head crater on the table. "He's so carefree, but that's goinna get him kill..." she blinked. "i...in trouble one of these days." She sighed and let her face lay flat on the white plastic surface. "I am scum." She cringed. "And my arm fuckin hurts." Maya would have launched into another torrent of how untrue that 'scum' comment was, but she figured she had done enough damage for one day. "I...I'll get you some Aspirin, Sempai. Just wait here." She stood and walked over to the bathroom. The soft blue carpet in there did not comfort her as it usually did, even though she was barefoot on it. Too much was on her mind. Actually, her mind was somewhere between Jupiter and Mars. If it had been actually on earth, the weight of the thoughts on it would have turned her mind to paste long ago. The cat was out of the bag. She was just waiting to see what kind of hairballs it was going to cough up. But this was no time to think such things...not with so much going on. Sempai...she needed help. Ordered to kill Kaji...and with the strange, half-memories after that left her with a shot shoulder. And...the realization that Gendo and her had... The pills dropped noisily from her hand, scaring Maya back to reality. She let out a strangled little sigh, picked up the aspirin and walked back out to the kitchen. Ritsuko wasn't there. "Hey." Ritsuko called from the living room, now laying down on the tiny, but comfortable couch. Maya would often curl up there to sleep herself, but still, she would have to see if Sempai could be coaxed into taking the bed, while she would take the couch. "Here you go." Maya said, reaching quickly and taking the sake bottle away from the Doctor. Ritsuko grumbled something, but stopped when it was replaced with pain-killers. "Those things act pretty fast, so it should help." The apartment was silent for a long time. Ritsuko took the pills and relaxed into her hazy drunkenness. Except for a few warm lamps giving off a pinkish glow, it was nothing but darkness around them. "He's going to kill me." Ritsuko said, deciding her fate. "Sempai!?!" She closed her eyes. "Once he finds out...Kaji is still alive...it's all over. Y...you know something? I don't think I was nervous at all about actually pulling the trigger." Maya blanched. "Sempai..." "I mean, I see death every day...and I know that Kaji would probably get a bullet eventually. Why not it be from me? Why bother sending some anonymous man with a sniper rifle? Poor bastard would have just died while eating his morning miso." She shivered. "I...I guess I kinda thought that the least I could do was send him off..." Maya was shaking, but couldn't say anything in reply. "T...the reason I'm so scared...so shaken, Maya..." she swallowed hard. "Is I failed Ikari. That means I no longer have a use in his mind." "Please...Sempai...don't say that..." Maya swallowed back a sob. "Everyone still needs you...even that old sonovabit..." she blushed. "I mean, the Commander." "You are too kind..." Ritsuko sighed deeply...slumping into herself. The tone of her voice made it clear it was not being humble that made her say that phrase. Maya just sighed, knowing she wasn't going to win any arguments tonight. All she could hope for was being a good friend...and trying not to screw things up even more than they were at the moment. She walked off and sat in the corner seat by herself, looking down and around...anywhere but at Ritsuko. "I don't have to work until late tomorrow...so if you need anything, I'll be awake, Sempai." "You work at noon. That means you have to get up at ten at least. It's already two in the morning, leaving you with less than a good night's rest if you take into account the hour or two you're going to be worried about an old bat like me." Ritsuko said, groaning as she turned onto her stomach. "I've already fucked up your week enough. Go to bed." "You're not an old bat." Maya said quietly. Ritsuko grumbled into the couch pillows. "I was just being poetic. Please, Maya, go to sleep...I'm tired, and if someone really wants me dead tonight, I will be dead." She shook her head and sighed. "Just go to sleep." "I'll just call in sick tomorrow." Maya said. "I have a few extra days on sick leave." "I'm not going to be able to get rid of you, am I?" Ritsuko sighed. There was a sudden, terrible silence. Ritsuko's hazy mind looked over the last bit of dialogue and groaned inwardly at itself. "I didn't mean it like..." The sound of a door sliding close down the hallway was her only response. Ritsuko waited...for some reason hoping that Maya would come back out...that maybe it was just...she shouldn't have said that...she should fix it...get up and try to fix it...get up...move... She couldn't. "Fuck." The blond sighed. Her body surrendered to the drunken bliss, and her mind a moment after into sleep. Maybe it was better to do nothing. At least for tonight. When one is alone, they notice strange things. Such as the crack in the corner of the chalk-board, something he must have looked at a hundred times each day, yet never noticed to this extent. Or the way that the buckets were stacked in the corner, held up by some magical force of gravity, or lack they're of. The way that the world outside seemed flat and two dimensional through the thick glass at the top of the windows, yet returned to almost...but not quite...three dimensional when it was viewed through the thinner, smaller glass at eye-level. Shinji sat in his desk, looking around slowly, as if for the first time in a new place...not wanting to seem rude by examining the environment, but still having enough curiosity to risk looking around unabated. He had learned how to observe...and not be caught...from his lifetime of being in the shadows. It made him feel important...knowing things behind the scenes. Things that the important people didn't know about other important people. He smiled slightly, wondering if that was why he chose to be a spy in the class' mock-government. Being able to see things that might be useful, while other people would look them over. But...today he had failed. Asuka... Why? What was he missing? "You're working too hard." Kaoru said softly. His presence was suddenly beside the boy in another desk. Shinji turned to see his Sensei and sighed. "I'm not working hard enough." "You are working hard." Kaoru said, shaking his head. "You've always been good at that." "I want people to be proud of me." Shinji said, then looked down at his desk. "I want to help other people with my work." "Like Asuka?" Kaoru asked, motioning up to the chalkboard. Instead of the black, dusty board with a crack in the corner, there was a picture of Asuka lying in a hospital bed in a dark room. She was sleeping peacefully, yet the scene still drove a shiver down Shinji's spine. "Yes." He said, turning away from the board. "You must know that you can't help everyone." Kaoru said, standing up and walking over to the board. "I can try." Shinji said. "This is not a test, Shinji...nor some foolish game. You can not help everyone." He looked at the 'Asuka' on the board. "Would you sacrifice her if everyone else would live?" Shinji said nothing. "Something inside you says yes...yet another says no." Kaoru smiled apologetically, taking an eraser and wiping the board clean of the image, stroke by stroke. "And you know they're both right." "Yes." Shinji sighed, slumping in his seat. But, then, all of a sudden, he looked back up. "But...Sensei...If I cannot even save just one person, how can I save the rest?" Kaoru nodded and sat down on his desk. He seemed to perch there for a long time, thinking and pondering in the way men do when they know the answer...but do not know how to answer the question. "You must work hard...differently." He said simply. Shinji blinked. "You are working too hard on what you know..." he smiled. "Eva...you have re-learned to fight in Eva...to sync with Eva. You have learned how to protect people again." "I have!" Shinji nodded. "But...what about everything else?" Shinji blinked. "I...I don't know." "Have you learned how to perform C.P.R.?" Kaoru shrugged. "Or maybe tie a splint around someone's leg?" a smile. "Have you learned how to comfort a baby who is crying in the middle of the night, yet is both fed, and dry? Shinji blushed and shook his head. "You are working hard." Kaoru said, walking back over to the desk. "But that is to be expected." He sat back down and turned to Shinji. "Do not rely on only what other people tell you to. Eva is not everything. Do not think it is the only thing important." He said. "Or it will kill us all." The chalkboard exploded, showering the dream with red, blinding light. "AHHHH!" Shinji sprung up in his bed, looking around desperately for something solid. The uncomfortable feeling in his ear was enough for him to register his return to consciousness. His ear bud had gotten mashed into his ear as he slept...the rhythmic beats of an old Macross Plus song replacing the odd dream-like silence from before. He relaxed back down in the covers, turning off his SDAT and removing it from his ear. His footsteps seemed so loud in the dead, little apartment. Pen-Pen joined him at the kitchen table, concerned that the young man hadn't yet dressed in fresh clothes. "Wuaagh." He Wuaaghed. "Hey, Pen-Pen." Shinji smiled a weak hello, looking down at the penguin who was crawling up onto the opposite chair at the kitchen table. "Want some breakfast?" "Wuaagh!" Shinji nodded and got up to the fridge, fixing a breakfast for them both. "I hope Asuka's okay..." he said to himself. The living room was cleaned up...a nervous and restless night's work. It had been tossed about in the panic last night, but Shinji felt it was his duty to set things right again so Asuka and Misato could return home to a clean apartment. No matter how hard his night had been, Asuka's must have been worse. Images of the dream still haunted him. The message clear in his mind. Even with Eva, there was so much he was powerless to do. Unable to help with. Confined against. Useless to protect. But that didn't mean he should give up. Should it? "Wuaaagh!" Pen-Pen flapped his wings happily as the door opened. Shinji gasped and put down the frying pan as Asuka and Misato walked through the door lazily, obviously neither with a good night's sleep. "Tadaima." Misato yawned into the air...then blinked as she saw Asuka nearly leap forward half the living room into an equally magnetic embrace. "Woah..." They just stood there and hugged. It was a nice hug. Misato smiled and sighed as she walked past them...both just breathing and hugging. Content to do nothing more. "Okay, you two...break it up, hey?" They both turned red and the poles were reversed on their magnet, springing them apart a few steps. "Gomen..." they echoed together. "It's okay." She smiled thoughtfully. "Just don't get too comfortable here, okay? There's a Sync-Test today." They both sighed, but nodded. "Hai." Again, echoing each other. "I'm going to get a bath." Misato said. "We'll leave for HQ in two hours." She winked at the two, who were still blushing. "Don't get too comfortable." And then was down the hall. Asuka sighed and grumbled. "If she rubs it in anymore than she already does, I swear I'm going to look like my Eva!" "That doesn't matter." Shinji smiled and took her hand. "Are you okay? I was worried I hurt you or something..." Asuka looked away for a moment, then smiled softly. "You haven't hurt me yet, Shinji. Just don't start, okay?" she shivered. "I'm having a shitty week." "I know...it's okay." He hugged her again...this time much softer. "Hey, I was just making Pen-Pen and I some food...did you want to join in?" Asuka smiled and nodded, sighing as Shinji let go to walk back over to the kitchen. "So what's on the menu today?" "Miso soup." Shinji said, boiling water. "It's good for whatever's troubling you." "I hope so." She said to herself and sat down at the table with the penguin, watching Shinji cook. "Maya...I didn't mean it like that." Ritsuko said, trying to keep up to her younger counterpart as they almost ran down the hall. It was times such as these that she cursed her smoking habit. Maya would be able to run circles around her before she even broke a sweat. "I know, Sempai." She said in monotone. It had been the ninth time she said that this hour. "We're going to be late. We'll talk about it later." The Doctor sighed and shook her head. If it wasn't for this damn bout of morals lately, maybe she'd just shrug it off. Leave it to an A.T. Field to change all that in a blink of an eye. "Fine. We'll talk about this later." With the rapid echo of their shoes, neither heard the approaching footsteps of Commander Ikari until he was right around the corner. Maya, in her focused point of view, only had time to say 'eep!' as she saw two black shoes step right into her path. While it was still a rather impressive collision, poor Maya and her lighter body weight suffered the most violent effects from the blow. She was crumpled out against the wall while the Commander simply stumbled over her legs, catching himself on the opposite side of the hallway. The Commander looked confused for a moment as everyone gasped. Finally, though, as he saw the situation...the same icy gaze that he always had returned. He turned to Ritsuko and let out a small frown. That small frown instilled more pure terror in her heart than she had ever known in her life. "Doctor." He said simply, then walked past her...just barely missing her, as if she was already a ghost he didn't fear stepping into. Ritsuko waited...long after he left...before a desperate gasp escaped her lips. "Oh god..." The feeling of cold was nice. A dirty, abet cool, metal floor was the main reason he hadn't hauled his sorry ass up onto the cot long ago. While it was indeed cold and dirty, the cool feeling throughout his body was the only thing preventing his head from throbbing in pain. Now why did they have to go and do a thing like that? The unmistakable feeling of ice filled the air, and Sensei Miyazaki remembered why he was here. "Hey, Commander..." he croaked. "Nice to see you again." The Commander was not amused. In fact, there was a very loud, angry scraping of metal as he dragged a spare chair right up next to Kaoru's head...stopping a bit too close for comfort. Gendo then sat in the chair, and glared down at the Sensei like the Almighty Himself. "Who are you." Kaoru groaned and sat up slowly, finally hauling himself onto the shelf that was called a cot. "Why do you care?" Gendo waited patiently as the other man became comfortable on the seat. Then, he tried again, applying more of his Gendo-like charm. "Who are you." "Maybe I don't want you to know." Kaoru smiled back. Gendo frowned at that. "Well now...let's see." Kaoru said lazily. "I suppose I could just be a very good actor, and weaselled my way into school so I could molest your young Miss Ayanami, could I?" The room literally dropped in temperature. The Commander stood, and for the briefest moment...he seemed to shake. "Or..." Kaoru said quickly. "Maybe I'm your conscious." He grinned up through a stray bit of his hair that lay over his glasses. "Maybe I'm trying to un-fuck all your mistakes." "Mistakes?" Gendo relaxed, chewing into the bit that didn't make him uncomfortable. "You, young man, have no idea what a 'mistake' is." It was Kaoru's turn to glare. "Or...maybe...just maybe...I'm God's Wrath." Gendo met the gaze, un-phased. "Maybe I'm here to kick your sorry butt into hell where you belong." Kaoru whispered. "Of course, that would be too easy...so I'm here to make you suffer first." Gendo smirked at that. "Or maybe you've been hanging around with high school students too long, Mister Miyazaki." He adjusted his glasses. "Because that was quite a childish remark." "Was it now." Kaoru looked up. The two men sat in the cell for a long moment, not saying anything. They both knew the other was enjoying it, too. "Where's Rei?" Miyazaki finally asked. "...Where she belongs." Gendo responded after a moment of pause. "Where? In that stinking tank of goo you call a 'tank'?" Miyazaki frowned. "It is where she feels safest." "Only because you aren't there with her." Kaoru frowned. "At least not right now." A smirk slid across Gendo's face. "You must remind me to congratulate Mister Kaji. He is quite a useful man, is he not?" "You could say that." Kaoru said. "I'm curious to know how you two became acquainted." Gendo sat back, arms crossed. "Was it in the Special Forces? Maybe in University?" the Commander leaned forward a bit. "Or maybe you two are lovers? You can never tell with you 'kids' now a days..." "Curious?" Kaoru smirked back. "If you want, I could introduce you to a couple of my homo-buddies. I'm sure you'd like being the bitch. You seem so adept." "Again, with the potty-mouth." Gendo sat back. "My my...The parents must wonder where their children are getting such foul language." "I learn from the best." Kaoru said coldly, never taking his eyes off the man. "It's not so much the language, rather the soul." Gendo stood slowly and began to walk to the door. "Tell me, Sensei...if that is indeed what you really are..." he turned around, as he neared the door. "Do you believe in detention?" Kaoru thought about it for a moment. "I suppose. It does have its uses. But generally, I find it just generates anger in the students, while not solving anything." Gendo smirked. "Exactly." He brought out a gun from his pocket. "That's why I also use pain." Kaoru didn't have time to react before a loud CRACK! rang out, followed by his own loud gasping breath as pain exploded from his arm. As the smoke cleared, Kaoru was prone on the side of the bed, shaking as he tried not to scream. A red splotch of colour was spreading out from the centre of his arm, right at the elbow. Gendo pocketed the gun casually, watching his foe writhe on the bed. "That's for mentioning...even the possibility...of you touching Rei." He opened the door as Kaoru gasped out in pain. "And these last few days of your miserable, starving life will be for getting in my way." He smirked. Kaoru fell to the floor, gasping out, still unable to scream because of the pain of a bullet lodged right in his joint. "Goodbye, Mister Miyazaki." The door slammed shut. Kaoru could only scream in response. Why had she done it? What made it happen? Asuka knew... But she begged herself to keep asking the questions. Asking...not answering. It was simple...try to focus on some other reason. But three hours was three hours. Three hours all alone in a pool of LCL. Three hours all alone with your thoughts. With all your inner dragons nipping at your heels. She begged herself to focus. Every thought in her mind streaming towards one goal. Finish the bloody test...go home...and cry. But it wasn't working. She couldn't feel the Eva anymore. It was still on the fringe of her mind, but it seemed so distant. Like a glove that was only on by the tips of your fingers. And it was slipping. Always slipping. Every time she tried to push back into it, she missed, and nudged it a bit further away from her grasp. It became a maddening game. She hated games. But WHY!???! The last few months had been so great! Well...mostly... Okay...just enough to give her the taste of Life again. There was still tragedy, but now, she had something to fight for. Shinji. 'Together'. Why was it so DIFFICULT?? Even now? With all that had happened? "Die with me..." Because...there was still so much she hadn't resolved. "Momma!" she saw herself running in her mind...but then shut off the image before it threatened to overwhelm. Shinji wouldn't leave her... But... Neither would her momma... She kept coming back... A little more each time... Begging her to join. Join her in the nothing. The empty death. Sometimes she would imagine how nice it would feel...to feel nothing again. Like how she did at her Momma's funeral. Like how she did when she first saw Shinji. Back on the boat... But it was all so overwhelming. Asuka sobbed now. Looking out over the pinkish cooling liquid that surrounded her Eva. Her tears dissolved so effortlessly in it. Nothing lasted. Nothing, except the pain that made those tears. "I hate you..." she whispered to Unit 02. "Why wont you move for me anymore?" The red giant said nothing in response. It's eyes looked on listlessly. All their scores had been down today. Asuka knew it wasn't just her...Rei, despite her calm exterior, seemed almost worried about something. She could remember those little cringes on her face on the comm. channel. And Shinji...who would always be checking on both of them. His concentration was shot to hell, and his rate fell the most out of all of them. Even poor Toji seemed shaken at how sullen everyone was, and his scores evened off just slightly higher than Shinji's for once, but below his original average. "I should be leading these morons..." she wiped away the tears, demanding response from, if not her Eva, then her own body. "I should be back at the top of the scores. I should be charging into battle!" her voice soared briefly, but cracked. "I should be the one who chooses if you move or not." She whispered coldly. "You are MY doll." Images kept flashing through her head. She scrambled to get through them. "No...no...." She looked up at the monster. "I am Asuka Langley Sohryu...and I am your pilot." The Eva said nothing. "So...DO something!" The Eva did nothing. Asuka sighed, and turned her head. Just as the klaxon began. "An Angel?" she blinked. "They're still coming...?" Toji turned on his three pilot's monitors and sighed. They were a sorry looking bunch today. Asuka looked frazzled, like she had some cloud on her mind. She couldn't even look at the camera for some reason...maybe scared to open herself up to the others. "Unit Two, standing by." Rei just added her own unit's number into the mix, and then stared blankly ahead into space. Not really a big deal, except it seemed that the improvements in her personality had been wiped clean, as if they never happened. Hell, she even arrived at the briefing room in her old School uniform. His buddy, Shinji, looked worse. Obviously tired...but restless. In fact, his hands were gripped around his control bars. "Unit-01, ready for orders." He whispered. In reality, however, Unit-01 was still in lockdown. The other Units were free and on the catapults. Shinji's Eva was in the cage still, frozen in place by a million safety-devices. While his test scores looked below-average, the look in his eyes made Toji glad they were on the same side. "Unit Three, ready." Misato, from the control room, could see everything herself. Her burden was heavier, however, due to the strange silence in the control room with Ritsuko's quiet dark cloud about her. As well, as she was able to see all four of the Children's metal states...including their low sync rates. Luckily, the Angel seemed to be taking it's time. That time, if they were lucky, would be enough to change this all around with a pep talk. Yeah...right. "Situation report." She ordered. The screen shifted to a scene from orbit. One of the UN's satellites was beaming the picture to them...an odd, ghostly light was slowly drifting towards them. As a new feed kicked in a moment later, the angel appeared to be what it really was...some disturbing, yet beautiful marriage of snowflake and insect. Long, spiny wings and forms branched off one another, forming a random crystal look. Misato mused it was actually quite beautiful. Then again, lethality and beauty often went hand in hand. "Well, so much for our vacation, people." To be continued... ======================================================================= Believe it or not, I actually have an excuse this time! ^_^ I have been busy as hell. No, actually, all the demonic activity combined in hell could not possibly account for the things I have been doing lately. Lucky bastards down there at least get to sit and burn once in a while. ^_^ Not me! Not your humble writer-Fissy-guy here, I've been running around left and right! But don't worry...As you can see, I am BACK! And come hell or Jolt- Shortages, I am here to stay. On schedule at that. Lots more things happening to HL and my website soon, including, hopefully, an official server of my very own, so you all never, ever, ever, have to look at those freaking geocities adds ever again. ^_^ Anyway, it's late, and I still have to post, so I'll end the notes with one final word: See? I told you...no matter how much you all keep bugging me, if I'm late, I'm going to be late. ^_^ Sorry. Don't worry, I'll never give up...just I will often take vacations. Heheeh. Ja! e-mail: strikef@bigfoot.com homepage: http://www.studioshinnyo.com mirror 1: http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/9110 Strike Fiss, Studio Shinnyo 2001. Khattam-Shud, EOF.