Neon Genesis Evangelion Higher Learning Strike Fiss, 2000 Thirty-Second Lesson: Depth [three weeks ago] In the dark, the memories always come. There were no overriding images to stop them from flooding her mind's eye. The hallway was empty as Asuka walked through it. All the lights were off, leaving only the echoing illumination from her destination and the emergency lighting. She felt numb. Cold and empty as she walked down the tile. Every three steps, she wondered what it would be like to just curl up in the darkness and die. Stop existing so she wouldn't have to feel like she didn't want to exist. NERV security had probably been ordered to tail the pilots, making sure they didn't talk to anyone they shouldn't, to protect them from outside harm at such a crucial time...and to protect Asuka from herself. Misato was no fool. She was not left in the dark. Hell, Toji probably suggested a suicide watch to the Major. Asuka sighed as she realized that, if she did not appear quickly enough, the Security Agents would probably ignore any regard for humiliation and come looking for her. Probably not enough time to bleed to death...and anyway, she didn't have anything sharp enough to cut flesh. The hall opened up to revile her destination...the NERV indoor pool. An Olympic sized one at that. While it was after hours, and the lights were dimmed, this pool glowed with a warm blue hue that lit up the room in shimmering echoes. The air was damp and life-giving. The water warm and fresh. Only the tint of chlorine in the air gave away it's man-made nature. She wondered why swimming appealed to Ayanami so much. The three of them were in and out of liquid almost constantly anyway. It wasn't until Asuka found herself sliding into the shallow end of the pool that she remembered. This wasn't LCL. Not some bloody, organic slime that they had to choke on three or more times a week. This was water. Beautiful and clean. Simple, unspoiled and soothing to both the touch and mind. A small smile crossed her lips...one of the first in many days... "Well? Do you think my breasts would expand if I heated them up?" Shinji had looked so embarrassed. It had been priceless! Even back in that time where he was nothing more than Baka Shinji to her, she had loved the way he tried not to look at her body. Wanting to view, yet scared he would get beaten for it. Her smile slowly slid away. They had been happy back then. More or less. They had been such a great team! Even Rei had helped out. But now? Shinji was gone...swallowed up in his own machine. The tapes. The tapes had haunted her the moment she saw them. Central Dogma's cameras...even as the main systems had been smashed to dust...witnessed the whole attack of the Angel. Misato had told her what she saw, but it was so much more frightening when they had witnessed it for themselves. Shinji exploded through the wall, ripping into the Angel with a furry that Asuka had never known from him. An echo of the power she had heard of him having during the Third Angel Attack. But that was his mind lost. Again, she had assumed some kind of trance...a mental breakdown that somehow linked to the Eva on some primal scale. Then...Shinji had spoke. Not just screamed. He had asked Misato to fire the catapults. Shinji had been aware through the entire fight...not even seeming to care as his arm was ripped away from it's host. Asuka had realized then that the Third Child was indeed amazing. The first time had been no accident. No sudden loss of sanity. Shinji had ripped apart his opponents. And...yet...he was so gentle with her. Never raised an angry fist or yelled at her when she probably hurt him more than an Angel ever could. She sunk into the water, letting out a trail of bubbles...staying submerged for a moment before coming back up. For his troubles, Unit-01 ate him. Oh, they could glorify it all they wanted...say he was still alive and just 'absorbed'. But the fact was that Unit-01 wanted it's pilot. It wanted Shinji to stay. Stay forever. The one chance he had to get away made the beast realize it had to keep him...by force if necessary. It made Asuka angry. It was unfair. She...she had to stay. It was who she was. But Shinji was being forced by Eva. Even when he had gotten enough nerve to leave his Father and it all behind... The water around her body did nothing to sooth her mind. It made things worse. Every thought was amplified by the echoing rhythmic tones of the water hitting the sides of the pool. Breaths and splashes from the day's patrons still living in the seemingly unending ripples and waves that were filling the pool. They wouldn't leave her be. Why couldn't they just leave her alone. All of them...just...die. Die. Perhaps she could just drown in the pool. Maybe nobody was watching, and would just assume she'd be okay for half an hour or so. By then, it would be too late. It would be easy. She had trained her lungs to expect liquid...and after the first three or four breaths of water, it would already begin. A fitting death. So much like how she imagined it would be to die in Eva. Slowly cool in a tomb of LCL, while the world falls apart outside of the hallowed shell. She knew that was the only way Eva would let her go. Death. Just like her mother...she would torture Asuka until she wanted to die. Just like her. Asuka wondered why that thought didn't scare her now. Why it didn't startle her and cause her to fight these thoughts. Even as she let herself slip into the water. Nothing mattered. Shinji had left her...then had been taken away as if to say a second time 'you lost your chance'. She had been destroyed...her pride once more ripped from her mind as the Angel came just milliseconds from slicing into her throat. Alive, only because Misato knew she would fail. Alive to be rescued by men in containment suits who treated her like a baby as they carried her out of the Plug. Mama...Shinji...even herself had left. There was nothing else. She smiled as the water became deep enough around her...almost sinking to the bottom...wanting to wait until it would be too late to take that first breath of airless water. The roof echoed in waves of light...peaceful and calm. It would be a nice death, she decided. Much better than to be humiliated again in her poor, broken Eva. Or to remember all the love she threw away...love she had just a week ago. Thrown away for what? So she could die in a puppet? No. This would be better. She almost took that breath... when a shadow passed over her. A long, graceful dive, sliding first through the air, then seeming to enter the water just as flawlessly. A streak of white skin and blue hair. Her eyes twitched as Rei Ayanami noticed her in the pool, and swam down to the bottom to meet her. "Why did Rei have to come here?" Asuka grumbled to herself. "My nice, perfect little death, ruined by Wondergirl." Rei swam down until she was parallel with Asuka. Her red eyes shimmered in the water, looking at the redhead with an odd curiosity. Asuka tried to stare back, but it was about that time that she realized her entire body was screaming for oxygen. Her eyes went wide, and she scrambled back up to the surface...her original intent ignored under the worry of her audience. Rei followed, surfacing as Asuka was coughing and gasping in a hurry to feed her muscles with air. "It is not wise to hold your breath for that long." The albino said quietly, waiting for Asuka to finish coughing. She growled. "Did they teach you that in school? Good work, Wondergirl!" The two girls paddled slowly, glaring and staring respectively at the other. "Can you be replaced?" Asuka blinked, not quite expecting that sentence. "What?" she coughed, brushing the hair away from her eyes. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" To add to her confusion...Rei suddenly looked very embarrassed. The girl turned a dark pink color, as if she had said something that she shouldn't have. "I...I am sorry." She turned around in the pool and began to paddle off slowly. "Please excuse me..." Asuka blinked, completely confused. "Wait!" she frowned, then swam after Rei. "No! Wait! I wanna know!" "It is nothing. I made a mistake." Rei said calmly as she moved through the water effortlessly. "About WHAT?!?!" Asuka demanded. "You just asked me 'Can I be replaced'! How can you be mistaken when you were asking a question?!" "I asked for the wrong reasons." Rei said cryptically. "I apologize." "I already know that. But I want to know what it is you meant!" Asuka continued, not letting Rei get too far away, easily keeping up, though not nearly as gracefully. Rei was an excellent swimmer. Mostly because of the sheer amount of time she spent in the pool. Asuka cursed herself for not expecting her to show up. "I am sorry." Rei shook her head. "Stop apologizing! You're sounding like Baka Shinji!" Asuka yelled. The echo stopped them both. Rei conceded and turned to her. "You are sad. Ikari-kun is not here." "Yes..." Asuka said reluctantly. All the fight in her voice was gone again and she found herself looking away from the blue-haired girl. "I miss him." Rei's eyes looked softer all of a sudden. "You no longer wish to live?" Asuka looked up at her. "What?" "You do not want to live?" Rei asked again. There was a long pause. All the thoughts that Asuka had been feeling swelled back into her mind with a frightening torrent. She had been...not only close...but ready. Ready to do it. Rei took her silence as a yes. "I asked if you could be replaced as well..." she whispered. "I have no joy in life. Nor hatred of it. I know I can be replaced if I die." She looked at Asuka with a small frown. "Can you?" "I...I suppose so...Toji is..." "No." Rei interrupted. "Can YOU be replaced. That is what I asked." "W...well...I guess not..." Asuka replied, teetering between confused and horrified at the thoughts that were still swirling in her mind. Rei turned and swam away. "Then your life still has a purpose." She said softly. Almost as an afterthought: "I would advise against ending it while this is so." Asuka watched as Rei moved laterally to her a few metres, then began to swim at a full pace along one of the provided swimming lanes. "How did she know?" Asuka whispered to herself. "She...just looked at me and knew..." An image flashed in her mind. Of Rei's eyes as they saw her under water. They looked so sad...yet...understanding. Almost as if they knew... Almost as if they felt the same thing. "Rei..." The First continued with her laps, even after the Second decided to leave. She did not pause to say goodbye, but managed a small sigh of relief somewhere in between backstrokes. She continued swimming well into the night. Asuka arrived home, completely exhausted. It was actually a fairly long walk from Headquarters to the apartment. Not exactly a bad thing...considering the apartment's distance kept it safe from most Angel attacks. Following her recent bout of mind-and-body miss-sync, while her body felt like lead, her mind was racing. Angry. At everything. Angry at itself. "Have you forgotten? Already?" she asked herself as she trudged up the steps. "Are you so low that you need Ayanami to knock some sense into you?" The stairwell echoed the punch she gave the wall...not flinching one bit as her knuckles threatened to crack. "DAMMIT! DAMMIT!" she yelled out loud into the darkness. "WHAT THE HELL AM I!?!" Her knees threatened to give out...she wanted to sit on the steps and cry...but she wouldn't let herself. "Everyone leaves me..." Asuka growled at herself. "Why should Baka Shinji be ANY different. Momma loved me too...that doesn't mean I should kill myself. She left me...HA! Good riddance!" Asuka felt the tears. "Ahh! FUCK!" she screamed. "Stop CRYING!" her hands came up to her face, trying to block the tears. "This is no different. Shinji had to leave. It's not even his fault...There's no need to cry." She managed a small smile, finally confident the tears would stay as a choked voice. "It's not like he said I had to come...he didn't ask me to die..." a smaller voice. "He...still loves me..." Her footsteps were soft and silent as she walked up the stairs. "At least I still have that..." she sniffed. "I'm glad. Baka Shinji...at least he didn't just dump me..." With a determined edge on her jaw, she walked up to the door and sighed. "I'll handle this. I'll train harder...sync better...Teach Toji not to screw up..." a small voice. "...thank Ayanami..." a sigh, then she looked up with her fiery blue eyes. "I'll make them all proud of me again. I'll make damn sure they never forget Asuka Langley Sohryu...even if they DO dump me off to the side." She smiled at the thought. "Yeah...that's it." She took a deep breath and opened the door. "I'll make Shinji sorry he left." All of a sudden, arms were around her. "BMMPH!!!!" Misato pulled her into the apartment, hugging the redhead tightly. She had tears running down her cheeks, though it was clear the emotion was not beer-amplified. "Asuka...thank goodness you're back..." She snorted a greeting and pushed Misato off of her. "Of course I'm back. Why wouldn't I be??" she said, trying not to think of the reasons she wouldn't be. "Asuka..." Misato leaned down and looked up at the younger girl's eyes. "We can get Shinji out." Asuka's eyes widened slowly. "W..." "It's going to take time..." Misato said, tears still running down the sides of her face...but it was obvious they were ones of happiness. "But I think Ritsuko found a way." "Shinji..." Asuka swallowed hard. "Shinji's coming back?" Misato nodded happily. "S...h...Shinji's coming back...???" Asuka fell to her knees, already in Misato's arms, hugging back tightly. "I know he is." Misato nodded, holding her tight. "My Baka Shinji is..." All her pride finally cracked, letting a heartfelt sob escape. "He's...coming back to me??" Misato held Asuka as she cried, hearing only the words "thank you" between the sobs. [current day] Shinji woke with a start. Light flooded in over him, and he had to shield his eyes from the painful burst. For once, however, he was greeted by the soft blue linen of his own bed; not the sterile semi- nylon sheets of the hospital. His room was clean...no dust had accumulated in his absence. Odd...since he had imagined at least a few days in the hospital after...whatever had happened. Maybe it was all a dream? A twinge of remembered pain in his left shoulder, however, reminded him quickly enough that it had been real. Yet another odd memory that his arm had been shot off...his poor brain and nerves must have been getting very confused at the sensations of limbs suddenly coming back. He looked over to his nightstand. His SDAT sat patiently nearby. Shinji let out a groan as his body creaked into automation once more, but saw the date and time readout on the playback window. "A...a MONTH!?!?" he promptly fell out of bed with a CRASH! All of a sudden, the door whisked open, revealing Pen-Pen and Asuka in the late morning light. Asuka gasped, dropping the plate of breakfast she had in her hands so she could rush over and help him to his bed again. "Shinji! You shouldn't move so fast!" she worried, dragging the confused boy up and sitting him down on the bed. "W...what..." he blinked, looking up at her face. The image of Unit- 02's head filled his mind, and he gasped, falling back on the bed. Asuka shot back, unsure of what had happened. "A...are you okay...Shinji-kun?" His mind whirled, remembering everything...remembering the fear he had felt as he ran back into NERV... Asuka hadn't quite been expecting him to suddenly launch back up to his feet and wrap around her with such force. "ASUKA!! YOU'RE ALRIGHT!!!!" he cried out with such happiness. "W...WAOOAAAHH!" Despite her best efforts to stop falling, they lost balance and fell back down on the sheets. Pen-Pen decided he'd better not stare, and made a strategic retreat...but not before pulling the tray of breakfast behind him with a hungry smile on his beak. "BAKA!" Asuka coughed, wheezing from his strong hug. "Of COURSE I'm okay!" Sheepishly, Shinji released his grip, but then realized Asuka was laying on top of him, frowning right into his face. "Ahh...gomen...I just saw...y...Unit-02...and..." Her frown finally softened. "Y...you did all that for me??" she blinked. Shinji couldn't have blushed harder if he tried. "Hai..." "You came back to save me?" Asuka leaned back slightly. "I..." "I chose to." Shinji said firmly. His hand was wrapped around her arm. His eyes enforced the thought. 'I don't want you to leave...' Asuka blinked, suddenly feeling a blush on her own cheeks. "You...you came back to Eva for me?" "If I didn't..." Shinji swallowed hard. "I wanted to help...I didn't want to let you get hurt..." A tear hit his chest as Asuka blinked it away. "But...I thought you decided that...you could get away...?" Shinji sat up, taking her up with him. She moved, sitting on the bed besides him. "I...decided that I would rather be with you." He said with a small, embarrassed voice. "That it was worth staying with Eva. Worth having to see my Father." He smiled softly. "I'd rather be with you." Asuka looked up at him with shimmering eyes. Partly because of the tears, but they also held such joy. "Really?" Shinji didn't even have a chance to say 'hai!' because she had already flattened him onto the bed with a long, deep kiss. To be continued... ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Hai hai! (I know what that means...I just find myself saying that as a greeting lately. ^_^ Don't mind me) Hope you all enjoyed Lesson 32. I might add a few more "while Shinji was in the LCL" tidbits later on, but Rei's brief encounter with Asuka was the only thing really crucial to the plot. I always thought that...someone who thought so little of herself...might just be able to recognize that feeling in other people. If anyone can recognize that kind of existence, it's Rei. More on that later. Well, I just want to say thanks for reading, and also, a BIG thank you to everyone who voted in the 2000 Tako Balls awards. ^_^ Higher Learning received the Best Longer Series award! (as well as a few other goodies, but I won't brag. ^____^ ) OOOH! Wait! Scratch that, reverse that. :P I've just been told that there was a mix-up. The good Mr. Alain Gravel won that one, and really, I was wondering if that wasn't a mixed up bit of info anyway, cause he kicks ass. ^_^ But, either way, I didn't get into Fanfiction for the awards or praise. I got into it for the chicks. ^_^ Women dig men who write about Sailor Scouts and Evas. Heheh. But anyway, I guess the results will be announced soon, so keep an eye out for them on either Asuka's Notebook, or the One I Love homepage. No Omake tonight...forgive me, but it's been a long week. ^_^ Some new changes are happening with my website. As always you can reach it here: http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/9110 But NOW, I also have a nice mirrored site for when Geocities is being a bitch. :P www.studioshinnyo.com That's right! Oooh! My own www URL! I figured with 70 thousand hits on the page that it was time to do something nice. Well, that's about it. Comments, as always and forever, can go here: strikef@bigfoot.com Ja! Strike Fiss, Studio Shinnyo 2000. Khattam-Shud, EOF.