Neon Genesis Evangelion Higher Learning Strike Fiss, 2001 Fortieth Lesson: "The First Other" There is something sad in assuming that the Mother is the 'first other'. The first person you meet. The first you know. The first you talk to and trust. Even if it is only in limited baby-speak, you try to communicate with that woman. You try, because you know her. You assume she must care for you, or you wouldn't be here. Once in a while, however, one does not connect the ways they should. Perhaps the mother is not willing. Or loving. Or the child is not willing, or loving. The Perfect Love that the mother and child have at the beginning cannot last, of course. Like all true love, it withers on the vine. Grows stale with age. Bitter. As the Angel slid into Asuka's mind, it was horrified to know this. To understand this. How something so perfect could be misconstrued and warped. Rape? It's mission almost ended there...shocked...somehow. Hearing that word...that horrible, horrible word...come from the Child's mouth... It was like a young daughter accusing her father of rape. It saddened the Angel. More than words, nor emotions could ever reveal o the Child. But it could not stop...it would not stop. It had to reveal...make the prophecy complete. No matter the cost. Again...that word. "Don't rape my mind!" Had the Angel the features of the Angel of Free Will, it might have cringed. It did not want to rape her...it did not want to hurt her. But this had to be done. This HAD to be done. Now, more than ever. It did have faith, though. Faith that the one known as Teacher would help. Teacher would set the stage...make things better this time. And to an Angel, faith was unquestionable. And so, it raped her mind. It pulled out ever...single...tiny... thought. And it showed it to Asuka. It was relentless. A mindless machine, driven and powered by the Faith alone. And it was enough. Even when the Cyclops fired the Light at it, the Angel withstood. Blasted Machine of Lillim. It WOULD try again...and perhaps not be so weak. Asuka...the poor child. It did feel pity...but also judgment towards the girl. Her arrogance and hatred would be her undoing. It was only her love that would save her. The Angel prayed that the Teacher would teach her this...maybe he already had. It did not matter to an Angel. STRANGLED! Is that how it feels, Asuka? To have nothing else but pain in your life? No room to breathe? No room but to fight or suffocate? HATRED! You hate the people closest to you? Even your own Lillim? Why? Why do you hate them so much, Child? PAIN! It does not hurt, Child. I am not attacking you. I am not cutting your flesh, nor destroying your mind... What is it that makes so much pain in such a precious, tiny body? SHAME! One so proud...ahh...yes...The logic is there. But it is such a petty thing! To feel hate inwards is truly a horrible thing! Why? Why do you think so little of yourself when any lesser Lillim would gladly die under this life? SUICIDE! Is that what drives you? To be killed rather than to die? To have your death in another's hands? You focus too much on this, Child. You cannot die if you have not lived. INVADER! I have not entered you, Child. I will not...for that is blasphemous. I am only showing you the truth. COMFORTABLE Ahh...yes...now you see it. You try to become one with your pain. But why? Why is this so easy for you to dismiss. I will NOT allow you. I will NOT allow you to forget this. I will NOT allow this all to be destroyed. You may not be ready for the Test, but we are. We all are. Your Lillim are ready. Your family is ready. Your Mother is ready. Shinji is ready. Rei is ready. I will make you ready. Do not fail them. Shinji listened to it all. He had no choice. He lay paralyzed in his outer shell...his Mother unable to help him without his Father's permission. All he could do is listen. He could hear Ayanami and Toji fight. Toji had taken the rifle from Rei, and kept firing. He demanded the machine to kill the Angel, but it would not work. All the power and science of Man could not fight this Angel. Rei disappeared for a moment, after being given a command. Shinji prayed it was for the best...that not she, also, had been raped by this...this....THING. And, despite his rage, he felt as his Eva did. Dormant. Lifeless. Powerless. It was a strange feeling. Calming...yet horrifying. "Mother..." he whispered. "Mother...is this what you feel?" There was no response, but the cries on his intercom, and the flickering static from Unit-02's window. "I'm so sorry, mother...I wish I could help..." Shinji whispered. It would take the Evangelion eight seconds to achieve full power. With Shinji at the helm, in this state of mind, he would have not needed the catapult to reach the surface. But yet, he could do nothing. His mind raged out, clawing at the cage around him, yet he could not move until Father let him. "We cannot allow an invasion of Unit-01." So, Shinji watched. And cried. Maya watched in horror, unable to blink as Unit-02 was bombarded by the deceptively simple beam of light. At her control panel, the read-outs showed what was actually happening. Asuka was being destroyed, inside and out. The entire bridge crew had to hold back their shock at the reaction from the Evangelion. It shook and twitched like it was burning alive under an invisible flame. The Weapon that hand a Mind was now insane, unable to do anything because of the attack on it's pilot. Blast after blast had rung out overhead as Unit-02 discharged it's positron ammo in a futile effort to aim for it's orbital attacker. Deep, charred scars would welcome the city in the morning. Asuka would fair much worse. The Commander just watched, waiting for Rei to reappear. His wonderful Rei. His doll. And she did. Finally, after what seemed like HOURS of wait...listening to Asuka's cries and screams, Rei came to the rescue. Toji tried the best he could. But it seemed a sexist statement that the males of the team would not be allowed into the battle. He kept a bead on the Angel with a positron rifle, ready to offer cover if needed. But the intercom did not show Rei's face. Her crying as she heard Asuka's own. Everything coming back to her as she heard the screams...the pain of being violated. She didn't wait for the countdown. The Lance was a huge, twisted shape. It seemed almost organic breed with metal. It was animated by the Evangelion, twisting ever so slightly, as if already knowing it's fate into the core of the Enemy. Rei knew this pain. She was feeling it right now. The feeling of being helpless and powerless against the Enemy. No matter who it was. Even if she begged her inner self not to be mad...not to feel pain towards him...she couldn't fool herself right now. Not with Asuka's cries and the violent death-throws of her Eva's mind. For now, though, it was enough. And when the Lance left her hands, it was with all the rage in Rei's heart. She never even had to aim. Finally, the Angel thought...and then ceased to be with a loud, echoing CRACK! The aftermath was split into parts. Nobody could deny, however, that they could pretend things were the same. The Forth Child --------------- Toji sat in the class-room, leaning back against the chair. The red sun outside clouded over his dark emotions that day. He didn't really want to be feeling like this anyway, so he welcomed the semi-calm of the sunset, even if it was still the colour of blood. The colour of Unit-02. A flash of pain crossed over his mind as he remembered the screams. "Suzuhara?" He jolted upright, surprised. Poor Hikari almost fell over herself in reaction. She quickly calmed herself, though, when she saw his eyes. "Are you okay, Toji-chan?" "No." Toji said absently, returning his gaze to the window, trying to avoid the initial question. "Sorry for startling you. I didn't realize anyone was still here." "Neither did I, but I called your house, and your sister said you still hadn't returned home..." She blushed and turned away. "I should have stopped there, but...I...I didn't know if you were okay...and Asuka's nowhere to be found..." "She's..." Toji cringed. "She's with Shinji." It was the truth. Asuka had refused to go to the hospital. Shinji had ignored his father's orders for contamination and went with her. Misato didn't bother objecting. Not after the hellish day's events. "Oh." The class-rep whispered, then ventured a few desks closer to Toji before sitting down in one. "Are they okay?" "No." She looked to the front of the class, not sure how to take the casual nature he was saying this in. "I don't think anyone's okay at NERV. Not after today, Hikari." Toji explained. "And I couldn't do anything to help." He sighed and then cocked his head to the side in a quizzical gaze at the clouds. They had been so dark before...now they were parted and wispy from where the Lance had shot through them. "I may have just as well been helping the fucking thing." "What...thing?" "The Angel." Toji said. "I didn't even screw up today...and it still was useless." He hung his head down a bit. "Story of my life, hey, Hikari-chan?" "W...what do you mean?" she blushed and turned away. "Everything I do...nothing matters." He said quietly. "It's my worst fear shoved right in my face." He sighed and then groaned about some distant memory. "That's why I beat on Shinji when I first met him. At least then I thought I was doing something to remedy the situation." He shook his head. "But even that just turned out to be bullshit that I was trying to make up to feel good." "I...it takes a lot to admit that, Toji." Hikari said. "And Shinji and you are friends now. If you didn't realize your mistake, you two might still be avoiding each other." "And meanwhile the only contribution I've been to the Evangelion Team was carrying ammo." Hikari sighed as a silence came over the room. "That's not fair for you to say about yourself." "Fair?" Toji turned slightly towards her. "And was it fair when that Angel raped Asuka's mind today in front of everyone?" The silence was horrible. Toji stood and walked over to the window. "I no longer care about who it is or what the circumstances are." He said quietly. "If I ever hear of anyone raping anyone, I will personally kill the man, woman, or thing that did it." The class rep just shivered at the cold way he said it. Rather...at what must have happened to make him say it. "I don't know how Shinji can bear it..." he said. "If it had been you..." he turned away. "I...I'd go crazy. I really have no idea what I'd do." She was silent, still slightly shocked from the images...not wanting to ask the questions she screamed to ask, but also not wanting to hear any more of the ordeal. Asuka...oh god...what had happened to her? "Why couldn't I do anything?" Toji said. Behind his voice, though, there was something Hikari had never heard before. "I wanted to...hell...I even got that ugly piece of shit Eva to listen to me for once..." he slowly sunk to the ground, looking out the window. Hikari gasped and ran over to him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. "Toji..." She felt something wet against her arm...tears. Toji tried not to let it show, though. To his credit, he never cracked once. His voice strained on words, though. "It's okay, Toji...you can cry if you want...I'm here." Hikari whimpered against his back, holding him tightly. "I'm so sorry I can't help more..." "No." Toji said. "I'm not allowed." "Why not?" Hikari sniffed, tears of her own hitting his shoulder. "Cause I'm not the one who got raped. And I'm not the one who had to watch his loved-one get raped." Toji said quietly. "I'm sorry if that means I can't cry." Hikari nodded and shivered as he stood up, out of her embrace. "I understand." Toji stood and shook his head. "So do I..." he said, lifting her up into a tight hug. "Thank you..." "Don't mention it..." Hikari whispered, and leaned up for a kiss. The two of them stayed like that long past sunset. The Cat and Mouse ----------------- Ritsuko stared aimlessly across the city. The holographic displays of Terminal Dogma were some of the best ways of doing this. If one didn't mind the metallic smell in the air, you could imagine that you were looking out over a park. Unit-02 had blown a scar across the city, however, and it looked far from peaceful. Giant, still-smoking blasts from it's positron cannon, and the red and white flashes of emergency vehicles and teams still showed the lasting after effects of the battle. Battle...no...that wasn't the right word. FUBAR seemed more like it. Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition. She was all alone right now. The terminal at her side hummed with life given to it by the MAGI underneath, but she felt nothing but cold. The cold, however, was beginning to eat away at her insides. Maybe it was the day's tension finally catching up to her...but it really did begin to eat her insides. Poor Ritsuko barely made it to the bathroom in time to retch in the sink. It wasn't till the fourth dry-heave that she noticed someone else camped out with her head next to one of the toilets. "S...Sempai?" Ritsuko groaned and sunk to the floor. "Maya..." The younger scientist looked white as a sheet, even when she blushed. "Sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you." The blonde groaned as Maya struggled to her feet in an effort to let her sempai puke in peace. "Sit the hell down before you hurt yourself, Maya." Maya complied, but mostly because she collapsed and puked in the sink next to her. "Go...gomen..." she whispered. "I...ju...just can't stop...Asuka-chan...I...." she coughed. "I...it was horrible." "I know." Ritsuko said, strengthened by the cold coming back to her. Maya shivered and then slumped to the ground next to her. "I suppose you have enough to worry about...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up." "You..." Ritsuko said dryly. "You must think I'm one cold bitch." Maya shook her head, but did not say anything out of lack of conviction at the moment. "Shit..." the elder of the two sighed. "You know...I suppose that's the reason I never told you about this stuff, Maya. I thought...at least for a while, I could have someone that didn't hate my guts." "Sempa..." "WAIT!" Ritsuko demanded. Maya shut up immediately. "That was NOT some pitiful attempt at getting attention." She turned away. "I want you to know that. I wouldn't be so immature with you, Maya. You deserve better." She sighed. "I'm just sick of this. And most of it is my fault." She sighed, bonking her head back against the sink. "Ouch." Maya hung her head. "It is." Ritsuko blinked, a bit surprised that Maya admitted it, but just nodded and rubbed her head. "Asuka won't be allowed to pilot unless there's some kind of emergency. We'll have to find a replacement." She sighed. "I'm tired of this game. People seem to die around me." She turned to Maya. "I don't like that." "What do you like, then?" Maya asked after a pause. She blinked, then turned to the side. "I don't know. It's been so long since I've done anything I like." "Why are you here, then?" Maya shrugged. "Shouldn't work give you some enjoyment?" "No." Ritsuko sighed. "Not when it's this important." She paused. "I suppose it did...at one time. I actually remember days where I woke up and felt like I was going to change the world for the better." Maya smiled weakly. "That sounds a lot like why I come in every day." Ritsuko nodded and sighed. "A lot of the NERV crew probably thinks like that...or we'd have lost long ago." She looked over to Maya casually. "Can I ask you something?" Maya nodded. "Sure." "How do you get through the days that you'd rather sit in bed and do nothing?" "Sempai?" Ritsuko sighed weakly. "I remember one day...last March...where I finally had a day off. It was..." she groaned. "It was wonderful just to do nothing for a day. I think that's the only thing I can actually remember me enjoying right now." She smiled a guilty little smile. "I just stayed in bed and watched TV, petting my cats as they'd come up to me and wonder why I was still at home instead of working." Maya smiled, blushing slightly. "That sounds like a very nice vacation, Sempai." "Yes...but what do you do when that's the only joy you know?" Ritsuko shook her head. "That one day haunts me now...because I would rather do that then get up and try to save NERV from going to hell and back because of it's schizophrenic commander." Maya looked away for a moment, then shrugged. "I always find something else to look forward to." "Like what?" Ritsuko pressed. Maya turned bright red. A surprising feat considering how pale she had been a moment ago. "Coffee." The doctor blinked, confused. Maya sighed. "If at any time I feel I don't want to go into work...I just remember I get to have coffee with you in the morning...and sometimes all day." Ritsuko smirked. "Maya...if that's the reason you feel so..." she turned away. "Well, attached to your employer...I'm sure we could find you another person to have coffee with." Maya frowned. "Sempai, if that was the only reason I admired you, trust me, I would have stopped long ago." She blinked, then turned away. "After all, you're not much of a conversationalist, even after your second cup." Ritsuko looked down at her lap. Then up at Maya. "Then...why?" "Because it's the only time I can be around you and not get nagged to death by the others." She sighed quietly. "I don't enjoy your company just because you're the only one around. Hell, the others think I'm crazy, because every time I offer to get your coffee, you always dump a bunch of work on me. The rest of the crew would rather chew off their own arms than give you coffee!" she shook her head, then laughed quietly. "It's actually quite funny to watch their reactions. They give me looks of gratitude...like I just threw myself on top of a live N2 Mine to save them." Ritsuko couldn't help but smile. "Still...that's not the reason I do it." She blushed. "I mean...'that' is the reason...but not just be around you. I...admire...you because I know you are a brilliant person." She smiled, gaining a bit more confidence in her speech. "I get to work along side you. That's quite an honour for a student like me." "So...you do it because you have a fetish for big brains?" Ritsuko blinked. Maya gasped and hid her face. "NO!" she groaned. "It...it's not a 'fetish!' It's just that..." she shook her head, sighing. "It's just that I admire that. I try to work towards it." She hid her face in her hands. "I...I know it sounds corny...but it's like how...how a strong couple always says the other person is their better half...or how they complete each other." While the concepts of Man and Woman were still alien as hell to the good Doctor, she had to admit the logic was sound. "So...you...like me because we're a good team together?" "Basically...but not as simple as that..." she whispered, blushing terribly. "Nothing ever is with human emotion." Ritsuko sighed and turned her back to Maya. "If it was just a matter of teamwork, I'd say Shinji is in love with Unit-01, and Asuka with Unit-02. " "Or the Commander and Fuyutsuki-Sensei." Maya said. The mental image of the Commander and Sub-Commander 'making out' finally cracked the cold in Ritsuko's belly, and she began laughing hysterically, completely caught off guard. "MAYA! That's HORRIBLE!" Maya giggled to herself. "Sorry...Just I always wondered...they're always up in that little room all by themselves." Ritsuko took a long, cleansing breath and slowly stood up...then offered her hand to Maya. "Come on." "Huh?" Maya blinked, allowing herself to be lifted up. "Where are we going?" "We have a shit-load of work tomorrow." Ritsuko sighed as they walked out of the bathroom together. "But there's not much we can do tonight. So...I say we go out and get some coffee." "Y...you wouldn't mind?" Maya blinked, then turned red. "Even after...all I told you?" Ritsuko shook her head. "Maya...I'm not inviting you to a night of dinner, dancing and a romp in the sack." She groaned as Maya almost turned completely red. "I just want to have coffee with my co-worker. Okay???" Maya nodded, embarrassed, but suffering through it for her heart's sake that it could not pump enough blood to make her blush anymore. "O...okay, Sempai." "And it's Ritsuko. Just for one night, okay?" she smiled. "It's the least you can do after haunting me with images of Gendo and Kouzo in the sack together." Maya bowed her head, smiling weakly. "Okay, Ritsuko-san." "Much better, Maya-san." She smiled and sighed as they passed the huge holograms that made up the outside world. "Now let's get the hell out of here before I hate this place any more than I already do." The Cloak and Dagger -------------------- "Well...if you aren't a sorry sight, I don't know what is." Kaji smirked as the door opened. "I...I...Hate you." Kaoru gasped as the light hit his already red eyes. It was clear he was in shock now...the pain already overloading several of his brain cells. "And I'm not exactly fond of you." Kaji said, kneeling down next to the shivering man. "But yet I'm here to put you out of your misery." Kaoru stopped shaking for a moment as he realized there was a gun against his head. "W...what the hell are you doing?" "You're shot. Why shouldn't I just finish the job right here?" the Spy said solemnly. "I have work to do." Kaoru said quietly, gritting his teeth. "And I'm not going to die unless I bleed to death. You're not going to get in my way." "What have you been doing, then?" Kaji said, not even blinking. "You told me long ago that you had important things to do...things to change and people to help. But the only thing I've seen you do with my own two eyes is piss off Gendo." He smiled. "Not that I'm not enjoying the show...but I'm beginning to wonder if your only worth is entertainment value." "I'm glad you're so amused." Kaoru shook. "Mmm...are you now?" Kaji loaded a bullet into the firing chamber of his gun. "Do..." he gasped and coughed out a bit of bile. "Sorry..." "No problem. I have ten minutes before the guard wakes up." Kaji smiled. "Take your time."[ "Do you know how hard it is to manipulate people?" Kaoru gasped as he sat up against the far wall, ignoring the gun still pointing at his head. "I've heard it can be quite a chore." He frowned. "Though people like Gendo do it daily." "Well...I'll tell you right now...it's even harder when you try to do it for the right reasons." Kaoru said, taking a few calming breathes as he held his arms from shaking. "And fucking Misato is one of these so called 'noble' reasons?" "Shut the HELL up." The Sensei hissed with a long, tired voice. "You said I had ten minutes, and I'm going to use them." "Seven. One for me to get out of here after I shoot you." "Fine." Kaoru grumbled. "I'd like to ask you one thing...aren't there times in your job that you want to act...but can't?" "Like how I want to shoot you, but I'm forced to give you another second chance, because I'm not entirely sure you're worthless to me yet?" "Yes...like that." Kaoru said dryly. "Oh, yeah..." Kaji smiled. "All the time." "You have to understand then...the stage is almost set." Kaoru said quietly. "You can't end it now. Not when we're all so close." "Close to WHAT?" Kaji demanded, re-focusing on is gun in frustration. "I've been listening to Misato cry all DAY about what happened with Asuka and that Angel! WHAT POSSIBLE GOOD WILL COME FROM ASUKA'S MIND BEING FUCKED!?" Kaoru blinked in shock. "I...it happened...already?" "What the HELL do you mean by 'ALREADY'!?" Kaji hissed. "You mean you WANTED that to happen? You KNEW it was going to happen, and you did NOTHING to stop it?" "I...I didn't know...it...I mean..." Kaoru swallowed hard. "You have to believe me...I didn't want it to happen either! But if it didn't..." "If it didn't...?" Kaji growled. "You sound just like Gendo." Kaoru shook his head, still stunned by the news. "I...I didn't expect it to happen this soon...there's something wrong. SEELE knows something I didn't expect them to figure out." Kaji snapped. The way the Sensei was taking this was too...eerie. It was like listening to Gendo. It was like watching Gendo. Hell, even those bastards glasses seemed to fit. He always hated those fucking glasses. "Yeah...they figured out you were just another Gendo." Kaji said, lining up his weapon once again. "Another fucking puppet-master." He clicked off the safety. Kaoru blinked, looking up as if he just noticed the gun. "Kaji...please...don't do this..." he shook his head...his voice calm. "It's not too soon. We can still save them..." "You're a fucking puppet-master...controlling us...even Gendo was impressed...I see that now." The gun stopped shaking and he closed his eyes. Kaoru cringed. "All I have to do is cut your strings." BOOM! KRACK! The guard outside the cell never heard a thing, though, as he was cut in half by the A.T. Field. The First Child --------------- The smell of LCL was beginning to disgust her. But...when all was said and done...it was the only thing that truly comforted her. She hated it. Why couldn't it be the Commander? One who showed her so much love in the past. One that was always there for her...one that gave her reason to be. She hated being a reason. Nothing more. Rei Ayanami was out of tears for the first time in her life. It had always intrigued her at how people would just stop crying, even if the reason they were sad was still there. Even if it came back again and again. They would stop crying eventually. She had always thought it was because a person could get used to pain. Familiar with it. Almost...comfortable...with it. She was wrong. The sounds of the rape still haunted her. Still burned her eyes as they tried to produce more tears. But she could no longer cry. She could no longer react as she imagined herself being there...instead of Asuka. When it first started, she wished she was there instead. But...then...the impact of what was happening hit her. That she had been there. So many times. Not all were bad memories. She remembered the comfort of being held for the first time. Confused and disjointed...just after her 'birth'. How the doctors would force needles into her...how every drink she took and bite of food made her drowsy when it should have made her strong. How her mind was forced open with those things. How her soul was tied with metal string in an effort to attach her to Eva. All of it, rape. Even if she was still pure in the sense of the Body...so was Asuka. When Asuka had shouted the word, Rei gasped. She never connected it to herself before. Even Gendo...though she knew rumors must have existed with the others...had never done what she knew as rape to her. Sometimes...maybe...she thought he might have. But the softness in his eyes always took over when Rei worried about it. She liked the soft eyes. They were nice. He always tried to hide them...but Rei could see them. Not much lately...but the memories were strong in her mind. But they were also the eyes that forced her to do things she didn't want to. And now, she saw why they had been so soft for her. He felt bad for Rei. Not all the time...but enough to not actually, physically... Rei curled up in her tank of LCL. The gentle heartbeat of the world around. She had not known. She hadn't known that there were other kinds...other kinds of violation. She could not cry anymore. But she had found out how to fight back. Accidentally... Tonight... Just once... Just enough...it was enough to distract the Angel. For it to pause it's attack the split second Rei needed. If she had not...Asuka's mind would have died with the Angel. Rei floated in the LCL. She closed her eyes against the pain and tried to remember something else. It took her a moment...but she finally did. And that's why she started to hum Ode to Joy once again. The Knight and Damsel --------------------- The apartment was pitch black. Dead. The sounds of sobbing had long since disappeared from the air inside Misato's room. She had tried...valiantly...to be there for her Children. She had failed, and the only comfort she could find was sleep. Shinji couldn't blame her. He had promised to stay up with Asuka all night. Misato didn't even thank him, not wanting to face either of the pilots right now. They had collapsed together on the floor. Shinji holding Asuka up in his arms. A blanket around the two kept Asuka from shivering too much. She still shivered so much, though. Too much to sleep. "Shinji..." she whispered. "Hai?" "Don't leave me..." "Hai." He whispered back. It had been the ninth time she requested him to stay that hour...but Shinji never minded answering again. He would stay with her if the floor broke and they fell to their deaths right now. "Shinji...?" "Hai?" "I don't want...to feel like this..." she said softly. Shinji blinked. "Hai." He was actually a little surprised. She hadn't said anything except his name and 'don't leave me' for the last several hours. "I want to tell you." She said. "Asuka...?" "About what the Angel showed me." She whimpered. "I want you to know too..." "No..." Shinji said, suddenly scared. "Please, Asuka...you don't ever have to..." "Shinji..." she said suddenly, looking up at him. "I...I refuse to let that Angel be the only...thing...that knows." She said softly. "I want the man I love to know too. It's the only way." "But you were hurt by it..." Shinji whispered. His cheek becoming wet. "I won't get better by being alone..." Shinji looked away from her. "But you won't hurt more...if you don't tell me." Asuka shook her head. "Shinji...I've already made up my mind." She said softly. The calm in her voice was shaky, but apparent. "If I can't tell you, then that Angel takes the most important thing I've ever known." Shinji shuddered, but nodded his head slowly. "You...you disobeyed your father to hold me..." she said. "Please...don't leave me now...not when I need you to listen." He nodded...then turned his eyes back to hers, gaining strength from her gaze. Her eyes were so beautiful...even when half lifeless. He begged it was because she loved him; and that she knew that's why he would listen. "I will listen, my love..." he nodded again, this time with voice. "I promise." She sat up in his arms...their hands entwined. Asuka began to tell him. Everything. About her mother...her father...the Project. Everything. How she grew cold when it came time to weep. How her Father and Stepmother became a family, leaving her alone. And she told him how her mother died. And why she could not cry at the funeral. How the image of her mother hanging there...doll in hand...how it had been burned into her mind with such force that she had...for a moment...wish it killed her. Maybe her mother hoped it would. Shinji cried as she told him how she could still remember the smell of her mother's death. How sometimes she could smell it, even around him and Misato. How Rei seemed like how her mother wanted. How Rei was such a doll... And how proud Asuka was that she was wrong...that Rei was not. And she was not. That part had surprised Shinji a bit, but he said nothing, waiting for her to finish. It took most the night. Between sobs and times they could only hold each other for support. And...it took longer...when Shinji told Asuka about his mom. Everything as well. How his Father threw him down at the moment he needed a Father most. The years...years...of being alone. But not by choice. Asuka listened with wet cheeks, crying during the parts Shinji could remember about having to walk home from Cello practice every week as his classmates tried to be friends...offering him rides with their moms and dads. But Shinji had been too smart to ignore the pain from those offers. Always a bright boy...but needing to hide from the pain. They met somewhere in the middle. Both after crying...neither sure if the story was theirs or their companions. It seemed too much the same. Just names and dates were different. Cellos replaced Violas. Ripped monkey dolls replaced SDAT. Somewhere, that night, they met for the first time in their lives. They lay with each other for an hour. Just breathing. Unable to talk. Unable to cry. Unable to feel. Just...together. That was all they needed. "I need to pee..." Asuka whispered. "Me too." Shinji smiled softly. "You go first. I'll stay here." She shivered and shook her head. "No. Come with me." He was about to protest, but she held onto him so tightly that he couldn't move. "Okay..." They stumbled together to the bathroom. It was surreal, Shinji thought. He wasn't really uncomfortable as he stood next to Asuka as she took off her panties and sat on the toilet. It was a little awkward since she kept her arms hugged around his waist, but it wasn't that bad. It was easier for him, since he could stand up during the ordeal. Asuka just watched him go with a calm expression on her face. She looked up at him. "Shinji?" "Hai?" A tear escaped down her face. "I feel dirty." Shinji hugged her tightly. "How can I help?" "I need a bath." She looked down. "I don't want to be alone." He nodded. "Okay..." "I'm sorry...I know this is uncomfortable..." she looked away. "You must think me horrible." "No." he said, looking into her eyes. "A bath cleanses the mind and soul. I want to help. I don't want you to feel dirty." The bathroom seemed too small for two people, but they were hardly two people right now. He ran the water for her, then began to help undress her completely. Asuka looked so pale under her clothes. Everywhere. He wished it was warmer in the tiny room. It was a moment until the steam from the bath helped, though, and Asuka stopped shaking as much, holding her arms over his for warmth. Shinji thought nothing of her using him like a blanket around her body. Despite the strange calm around them, he did experience a brief moment of panic as she turned around and started unbuttoning his shirt. She looked up at him, though, in such a way that all the fear in his mind melted back to tranquility. "You'll get wet, silly..." she whispered. "Hai..." She nodded, then kneeled down to undo his pants. His belt already gone from using the toilet. Once he was just in his shorts, she stopped, then turned back around and let him lead her into the water. Asuka sank in the water slowly. It seemed a bit hot, but she never complained. She held onto his hand the entire time, squeezing him gently so he wouldn't worry as she submerged her head. He watched calmly, waiting without worry. Any other time, he would have worried she would have drowned herself. She came back up with a soft gasp, rewarding his trust with a soft kiss on his nose. "Thank you..." "You're welcome." Shinji whispered back. "Come in?" "Okay." The water spilled out of the tub for a moment, but soon they were laying together, under the water except for their heads nuzzled next to each other. "Do you still feel dirty?" Shinji asked as the water began to cool. "No." Asuka yawned, but then hummed softly against him. "Not anymore." "Are you still...sad?" Shinji asked...voice just above a whisper. "Yes." She admitted just as quietly. "But I can get better...I promise..." "Me too." Shinji said, tracing a gentle circle on her arm with his finger. There was a slow wave of motion around them as Asuka sat up...then turned around so she was facing him again...leaning over him. "Shinji?" "Hai?" he blinked, then turned away when he saw Asuka's eyes. "Asuka..." She shook her head. "Shinji..." He looked back over to her slowly. "Y...I...We shouldn't...not after what happened today..." he sighed, looking up at her with pleading eyes. "No." she shook her head. Her hair was wet, and it draped across his shoulders as she inched forward. "Don't ruin what we are right now by reminding me." He looked up and swallowed hard as Asuka planted a very soft...very warm kiss on his lips. "I want to be with you." She whispered. "The Angel took so much from me..." she shook her head. "But, Shinji...I want to give you that. And more. Things the Angel could never take. Things that Eva can't take. Things that nobody can take...that only I can give." "I want to give you myself too..." Shinji whispered back. "Tonight." "Tonight." "Now." "No." Asuka blinked as Shinji stood up, then helped her out of the bath. When she questioned him with her eyes, she was a bit surprised to see, instead of a worried expression on his face...a calm smile. "I hear water isn't the best for making love in." Shinji said timidly. Asuka blinked, then smiled and hummed against his lips. "Okay..." she paused then grabbed a towel to wrap around them. "Your room or mine?" "Whatever's closer..." "Yours..." "Hai..." It was a bad day. The worst that she had ever known. But Asuka's only salvation was Shinji's love. They both wished it could have started differently. Without an Angel Attack to spur it. Without pain and hate involved. But one thing they would both remember was that it was without regret, and fueled by love. That made the night theirs, and shielded them from the bad day. Shivering hands became sure and comfortable as they lay down on the covers. While neither had done it before, it became familiar and natural almost immediately. The pain Asuka felt was nothing compared to the bad memories, and she only accepted the feeling of joining with him. The night passed slowly...deliciously slow. The only sounds made were echoed in each other as they kissed. They moved together, both in mind and body, and arrived together as if they had been practicing all their lives. It ended with the dawn of the new day...the sun just barely taking notice over the rooftops as Shinji pulled the blankets of their bed over their bodies. Asuka still wrapped around him, and Shinji still joined with her. They curled up together that morning, angels in each other's minds and hearts. Real ones. To be continued. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, that wraps up Lesson 40, people. At 4 am, by the time it's posted. ^_^ Poetic, neh? And I know it's been a month since the last episode. And, contrary to popular belief, I no longer have writer's block. Just that I've been very busy lately. That's why I wanted to give you all something special in this Lesson...to show you that I'm still here...that I'm not leaving Higher Learning to the wolves...and that it will be finished, and it will meet even the highest expectations when the conclusion of this tale is written. Originally, I wasn't going to describe the last scenes. I had thought about even...maybe...doing a Lemon. But no, I will not post a Lemon to go with this story. I did not want it to come across as how it always does in the movies... -bad thing happens -guy comforts girl -guy screws girl -one/both of them regret it Also, I did not want to over-compensate from the more serious tones in the Lesson. I can't stress this enough...how serious Rape is. In all it's forms. I don't know ANY fanfic-writer who doesn't dread having to write about Asuka's mind-rape. Especially if they have to describe it. Those who know me, please, have no fear...nobody got raped or something equally horrible. But, I do want to stress that the moment that ANYONE destroys another person's will like that, they are no longer humans in my mind. Anyone out there who has raped...in ANY form...another person, you have no right reading this with the good people of the world. Die. The reason I DID write the final scene, however, despite the fact I could have ended it with "come with me to the bathroom" is because I wanted to show the difference. Love, and the lack there of. In everything. It was never about hentai-thoughts, or fan-service. Please, if you have any respect for this writer whatsoever, and take one thing away from this Lesson, I hope it will be this illustration. Arigato. Anyway, a couple other things: -Props go out to Mo and his visit this weekend. ^_^ And that stupid Leonardo DiCaprio hat he wears, or I might have sliced him up as I saw someone leaping into the window of our house. Good thing I don't have my sword handy. -Super-Props go out to the people at Germantown Burn-Centre, Philadelphia, PA. I send out mochas thanks and good wishes to everyone there, and hope everyone can return home happily for Easter. -To the Easter Bunny...and I look forward to our next battle of wits. (bastard didn't set off ONE of my bear traps) Ooh! And finally, before I wrap this up, I would like to do a little bit of shameless product-and-selfish advertising and mention that my old Palm Pilot, rest it's rechargeable AAA batteries, seems to be on it's last legs. If anyone would like to help this humble writer pick up a Palm m505 (to help with writing, of course. -_- You don't believe me? These things are GREAT for writing down ideas...hell...I wrote half of Holding Hands on my old Palm!) it would be very kick ass. ^_^ Thank you! Hehe. Anyway, enough of that. I'm sure you're all just wanting to read the Omake. So here it is. Ja na! Take care! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- OMAKE: "Nothing ever is with human emotion." Ritsuko sighed and turned her back to Maya. "If it was just a matter of teamwork, I'd say Shinji is in love with Unit-01, and Asuka with Unit-02. " "Or the Commander and Fuyutsuki-Sensei." Maya said. The mental image of the Commander and Sub-Commander 'making out' finally cracked the cold in Ritsuko's belly, and she began laughing hysterically, completely caught off guard. "MAYA! That's HORRIBLE!" Maya soon joined in, laughing until both of them were wiping tears off their faces. *** Three levels up, Gendo and Fuyutsuki both sneezed. Gendo blushed and hugged the older man across the waist...that was currently bare. "Oh my! I hope I haven't given you my cold..." His older friend just shook his head. "If I recall, you haven't given me anything cold lately...big boy..." he grinned a spooky grin. Gendo grinned back and took out the jar of Vaseline again. "Well, that's only because you make me so hot." "Do I now? I don't think you should talk to your Father like that. Let me spank you..." "Oh! Spank me, Big Daddy! Spank me!" The two of them took a handful of the jelly and proceeded to do unheard of things with it...making rhythmic squishing sounds...while embraced in a passionate kiss. *** Meanwhile, somewhere outside this universe, a young man at a keyboard laughs evilly...cackling about how much fun it is to get everyone back for bugging him about being so late with the latest Higher Learning episode...and then, once he calms down, decides to edit out the scene with Gendo and the bucket of Soapy-Frogs...after all...the author isn't THAT cruel. ^_^ e-mail: strikef@bigfoot.com homepage: http://www.studioshinnyo.com mirror 1: http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/9110 Strike Fiss, Studio Shinnyo 2001. Khattam-Shud, EOF.