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| The Morning After By Prinsesa The tiles felt cold beneath her feet as she padded to the dining room. She set the table for one, then, as though suddenly exhausted, sat down on one of the chairs. His chair. It was there that he found her when he got up twenty minutes later. �Good morning,� he said somewhat hesitantly. �Good morning,� she replied with a smile, albeit not as bright as she usually did. Still, it was a good sign. He knew she never smiled when she didn�t mean it. He walked over to her and she held up her face to be kissed. Another good sign. �Why didn�t you wake me up?� He dropped to his knees and put her bunny slippers, ones he bought for her a long time ago, on her feet. She hated wearing slippers at home, always has. �We went to bed late last night. I wanted you to sleep some more.� She then shook her head slightly, as though wanting to erase all the memories of what they had talked about the night before. He stood up and noticed the way the table was set. �There�s only one plate,� he said, the statement rising to an inflection. �I�m having breakfast at Chris�s.� It was a declaration, not a request for permission. "Why?� She knew he didn�t want her to. That, to her view, was enough reason for her to do it. �Sylvia�s going to be there.� Sylvia and Chris were her friends. They had an affair-ish sort of relationship they were keeping under wraps fr0m Matt, Sylvia�s husband. �I don�t know why you condone this. Matt is going to find out sooner or later.� �It might as well be later, and you�re not going to be the one to tell him.� He and Matt have become friends through her and Sylvia. �She shouldn�t be doing this.� It took her all she can to keep herself from laughing bitterly. �Look who�s talking,� she wanted to say. But she didn�t. Instead, she explained, �Well Matt shouldn�t be treating her like shit, either. I mean, half the time, she doesn�t even know where he is. You�ve gotta remember that all she�s doing now is a result of the way Matt�s been treating her all these years. She was completely faithful when they started out, but then he started lying. It�s all about reciprocation.� There was a momentary silence between them, him trying to think of something appropriate to say, and her hoping that he understood what she was starting to imply. She stood up and motioned to leave. �Stay,� he said, managing to make it sound halfway between an order and a whine, though his face revealed that its nature was really more of an appeal. �I�ll be back soon.� After dutifully planting a kiss on his lips, she walked out the door. She took a deep breath of the cool outside air. With her hands, trembling, she lit a cigarette. It has been quite a while since the last time she has had one because they were both trying to moderate the habit, but she desperately needed a drag. Subconsciously, even unwillingly, her mind went back to the previous night. Her suspicions were right. He had been cheating. He admitted it himself. She only allowed herself to remember that much - not the details, not his apologies, not his tears. She was consumed by an intense feeling of hate towards the girl. She loathed her so much that she fervently wished for something bad to happen to her. She felt tears welling up at the corners of her eyes. Not now, she told herself. Not here, in the middle of the street. Not where people can see me. Not where they can find out how weak I really am. With much effort, she swallowed the lump in her throat and held back her tears. She did not wish for strength. She loved him, loved him so much that it hurt. It was a choice she had, and a choice that she knew she would keep on making. The way she was feeling, she knew she didn�t have any strength left. It didn�t matter. She didn�t wish to fight. Even then, she knew she would do n0thing. She would stay. What she wanted was courage. The courage to keep on acting strong, the courage to maintain her pretensions, though all she wanted to do was break down. She couldn�t allow herself to show her weakness to him- him who knew her most of all. Him, to whom she has bared her soul. She was scared. Scared to reveal her vulnerability, scared to give him power to hurt her like before, and most of all, scared to lose him. She was scared to admit that another person was capable of taking her away from him, scared to confront the possibility of him hurting her intentionally, scared to acknowledge that she wasn�t in that sacred, special place in his heart anymore. For now, she will continue to act. She will pretend that nothing is wrong, and she will attempt to cover up her weakness. She will continue to love him, and she will keep her agonies bottled up inside. _ _ _ Because when all�s been said and done, or rather, when all that�s been done has finally been said, all we want is for us to forget and for things to come back to the way they were. |