Entry 01

I can't believe I've got some clandestine little blog away from the main project. This isn't exactly the best time to let my paranoia creep in. This isn't the best time to let old habits take over. But let's be honest, with the amount of stress I'm under, it's pretty hard not to. My colleagues all seem pretty interested and nice, but it's a lot of pressure all the same.

And there are things I've left behind. I left things unfinished. I just need to get through this semester without breaking down.

At least I'm trying to start with a fresh slate; getting everything out in the open, so no one is surprised when worse comes to worse.

For now, it's going to be pretty simple. Just start from the foundations for the research. I still have a lot of the resources I started with, it's just a matter of... drawing it together in a way that's productive.

Unrelated to work: dr's appointments tomorrow and tues. Brain stuff is always difficult to deal with, but I'm getting more used to it. Probably should talk about paranoia flare up.

Entry 02

The stress is definitely mounting. First week, and I feel like I've been dropped into the deep end of the water. And yet it's like disclosure about my issues means shit. Even explanaton about stress and my condition seem to fall on deaf ears. That instinctive reaction to curl into a defensive ball to absorb the blows is hard to ignore, but the more I withdraw, the stronger the paranoia becomes. And yeah, I still have yet to bring that up to my doctors. As a fascinating piece of urban legendry from this town, unrelated to the project but depressingly fitting all the same, there are rumors of a legit mad scientist that wanders the streets.

I mean, I'm dramatizing a little bit, but seriously. He used to be a mathematics professor, and gradually his mental health declined as he got older. He eventually left the university, and since then he can be seen wandering the town's streets, talking to himself, toting around well worn books of theory and such.

Dr's appt went fine. We're all agreed on the ramifications of the things I'm going through. I'm thinking about backing up some personal info here, in case anything ever happens.

The work, though. I have to start compiling a lit review for my subject. I'm going to upload some of the other research tidbits I've been coming across.