Master of the One Liner
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table.
They couldn't help me.
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
I had to stop driving my car for a while.
The tires got dizzy.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.
I was an only child . . . eventually.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
So I had to buy them again.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.
Every once in a while I turn it on and off.
One day I got a call from a guy in France who said, "Cut it out!"
So, what's the speed of dark?
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music.
Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...
and says, "Here, you can go."
I went to a general store.
They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I put my air conditioner in backwards and it got cold outside.
The weatherman was confused.
It was supposed to be hot today."
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.
They had little pictures of cats on them.
Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.
I spilled Spot remover on my dog.
Now he's gone.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
My neighbor has a circular driveway.
He can't get out.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
Since light travels faster than sound,
isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
I have an answering machine in my car.
It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road.
I don't know how I got there.
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.
Maybe you've seen some of it.
I Xeroxed a mirror.
Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I had a friend who was a clown.
When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
My school colors were clear.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night.
They sent me a wakeup letter.
I'm taking La maze classes.
I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad.
He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."
I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
Why are they called a-part-ments when they're all stuck together?
My girlfriend's weird.
One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"
I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I was going to be gone.
I said, "The whole time."
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies.
They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
He's in a minimum security prison now.
He's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place.
The people who live above me are furious.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.
I remember when the candle shop burned down.
Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards.
Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
I got stopped by a cop the other day.
He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?"
I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
Ballerinas are always on their toes.
Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked,
"Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day.
That means it's going to be up all night.
I planted some bird seed and a bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.
They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I'm writing a book.
I've got the page numbers done.
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Is it because of that song?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I met her at Macy's. She was shopping.
I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
