letternov

5th Novemeber
To my darling son, Mike
Its 6pm, and all i can here is fireworks going off! it reminds me off when you were little, and we used to all go to a firework display, then we would come back home and have jacket potatoes. The last time you saw the fire works was New yrs Eve, Millenium 2000. Only 26 days later you were in hospital after the RTA, then 10 days after that, you left me forever.
Its sooooooo bloody hard Mike, without you! I never knew heartache hurt this much, (I just can't explain it.) I feel as if my whole insides have been ripped out. I wonder if you can see the fireworks and whether or not they reach you up there?
I am feeling so low again, why is it, i can go about 4 months, then i come right back down with a bump again.....
You would be so proud of your little sis now, she is doing really well for herself, she has just passed her lifegaurd course, and is hoping to get a part time job. she will be going to college soon. Its funny cos she is now the same age as you WAS.
so is she still your little sis? I know you went when you were 16, but to me, you will always be the same, therefore now 20, with your 21st comming up!I so wish i could see how you have grown up, and matured. Biddles grandchild is due in 4 weeks time! can you believe Kelvin having a child? I will have to visit, and coo and smile, but inside i will be dying, wishing it could be my grandchild, knowing i will never have any now from you..... Oh Mike....I miss you soooo much.
4 years is a long long time without you,
All i want is for you to be back with me, my darling son. (thats not to much to ask for....Is it?) That bloke, has such a lot to answer too!!!!!!!!! Bet he doesnt have to think how he will get through each day! how he will cope, when everyone is starting to get all excited over stupid xmas!!!!!
XMAS........ oh xmas will never be the same again ever. We used to love xmas didn't we, me and you, all excited, waking dad and kate up early so we could open all our pressies. I will never be able to open a present again now on xmas day, it just does not feel right. I know this is not what you would want, you would want us to carry on enjoying the day, and making a big fuss of the day like we used to. But I just cant do it Mike, Iv'e tried, its just not right without you. Nothing is the same no more, oh we go through all the motions of every day living, but inside I am screaming and just want to run away. Everything I do, everything I watch, everything somebody says.... it just reminds me of you.
We went to a doo last weekend, a Michael Jackson tribute show, it was brill, but i just could not stop the tears from flowing,
I had to turn away so many times to wipe my tears, then turn around and smile at everone at the right moments.
Do you remember when you were about 18 months, how you use to love the Thriller video, it would of scared anyone your age, but no not you, you use to laugh at it and your little face used to light up.
Then when you were about 5 you used to try and copy all his moves, and moon walk!
I Love you Nip, always have and always will. but I never knew how much I loved you, untill you were so cruelly taken away from us. oh if only I could have known you were going to leave us, then I could of told you all the things, i so want to say now, so badly need to say to you. All I can do now, is keep writing these postings, and writing you letters along with all my thoughts in my diary, and hoping somehow they manage to get through to you.
Well, while I have been writing this, I have heard 2 ambulances, lets hope no-one gets hurt with the fireworks, and leaves another family devastated like us and all the other poor mums and dads on this site, And if they do............then look after them, and hold them tight, I do hope you are all together up there, all friends and helping each other through, like us mums now do down here! I am having a web-site built for you, its the only thing that is keeping me going at the moment.
We are off to Australia in 4 weeks time, and I know this is also getting me down, We really need to get away, we need a break, and as you know even after 4 years I still cant bear to be at home at xmas without you. but we are away for 5 weeks Mike, who will look after your grave ?, who will come up and talk to you? I cant bear the thought of being away from you for so long! I am getting myself in such a state over it, if you were here, you would be the one saying dont be so silly, and making me realize what an idiot I am, I need you so much, and I need to be near you, why is it, I only feel so near you up the cemetry? There goes another ambulance or fire engine! I need to go now and cower under the bed clothes, another night to get through.

LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER
Mum xxxxxxxx