TO MY DARLING MICHAEL
I can`t believe it`s now been five years since you were so cruelly taken away from me!!!!!! I just can`t stop crying and thinking of what shoud have been. I try to imagine what you look like now, what you would be doing. My head is going round and round with so many thoughts. I try so hard to carry on as normal!!! but nothing seems right without you here beside me.
Marc (your cousin) is now a daddy x Cheryle gave birth tp Ellie on Thursday 6th January and she is gorgous. I thought it was hard when Trace and Colin had Mitchell and Leah, (nothing will be as bad as Trace having Mitchell) but Marc is so near your age and to see him so proud and holding his baby......... To become a "daddy" knowing you never will!!!!! Well, I can`t explain how that felt. I just feel so jealous of them all. Janet being a nanny, Tracy for having the prefect family, like I once had and now Marc for being a daddy. I feel so bad for envying them all, but oh how I wish things could have been different.
Kate has her driving theory test soon, and I`m so scared incase I loose her too. I just want to hug her and tell her how very much I love her, incase I never get the chance, like I never did with you.
I want to be able to talk to dad about you, but know if I did, I will just break down crying, and that`s the last thing they want me to do. I so wish I could share all this with them. I just want someone to give me a big hug and tell me everything will be okay, but that`s not going to happen is it??
I am finding it so hard without you, and each day is getting harder and harder. I miss you so very much, no-one can ever understand how much I hurt. I keep you all wrapped up inside my heart, because I will never forget you even if others have. I write to you each night in my diary, my way of talking to you. I hide from people, so as not to let them see my tears, then whinge if they don`t ask me how I am, What the hell is that all about?? I suppose if I`m honest, I want to keep you all to myself. You were my baby, my son, my life!!!!!!
Don`t think anyone goes to the accident scene except me. Do they think I only think of you on relevant days?? Well to me the accident day was the biggest day, That is the day that I never heard your voice again or saw your eyes open, never said "MUM" again.
All I have now.................is to write you letters, and to put flowers up on your grave!!!!!!!!!! Thats not what a mum should be doing !!!!!!!!! There is so much I want to say to you, but all I can really say to you is I LOVE YOU, I MISS YOU.
Your Heartbroken Mum xxxxxxxxxxx |
