The Dictionary of Computer Science (Revised Addition) v1.0

By Mike Alcock

Note: This work is just for fun, categorically and unequivocally, and no part of that is equivocal. Please do not choose to be offended. Thanks.

Definitions referring to words defined in other parts of this dictionary are suffixed by (q.v.) and hyperlinked to the source. Otherwise, common/standard terminology is assumed.

A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M
N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | X | Y | Z


A

Architecture, Graphics

 See Graphics Architecture.


B

Binary

 Vessel or state into which unwanted print-outs or code goes.

Bootstrap

 Term given to one of the commonly violent thoughts following the Blue Screen of Death.


C

Caffeine

 (Attributed to Steve Nixon) The computer scientist's life blood.

Context Diagram

 Arbitrary visual model consisting of objects and pointers. In the beginning, good programmers made up and used their own visual models. Subsequently and for some reason, this useful routine was changed by someone else, standardised, given a new name and published, thereby negating the original purpose of using a quick, spontaneous design that does not need to be taught and that cuts down on the amount of time involved in a software system's design.

Crash
  1. Sound caused as the ultimate result of a heatsink.
  2. The sinking feeling that the keyboard you just dropped coffee onto is not an Amiga and therefore does not have protection against liquids.


D

Device, Portable

 See Portable Device.

Diagram, Context

 See Context Diagram.

Disk, Floppy

 See Floppy Disk.

Diagram, Hard

 See Hard Disk.


E

End User Life Agreement

 See Status Words.


F

Floppy Disk

 The effect whereby the outline of the wall-clock appears to melt (much like Escher's "Melting Clock") and wobble after a javathon (q.v.).


G

Graphics Architecture

 The aspect of those units peripheral hardware known as "eyes" to endure stairing at the monitor for extensive periods of time. Those fitted with additional visual aids (glasses, contact lenses etc) may find that they get tired more quickly, whilst those with higher built-in resolutions will find a degradation of their eyesight after a while. (cf javathons (q.v.))

Group Project

 The tactic of collecting ("grouping") all the work together and presenting ("projecting") it to the person who appears to know what they are doing.


H

Hard Disk
  1. Any media that refuses to let you see/know about all its files, despite the imperative need.
  2. (Particularly of Amiga coverdiscs) Any media that tries to impress to the extent of having a ludicrous file structure.
  3. (Particularly of old Amiga programs) Any media that is hastily put together and whose files are all in the same directory.
  4. The tendency of Windows to make a pig-sty of your hard-drive by creating enigmatically named directories with inexplicable uses.

Hashtable

 Table set aside by hippie programmers in preparation for a javathon (q.v.).

Heatsink

 Term given to the depression caused by finding that fixing one error in the code causes at least two other extra errors.

Hyperlink

 The holy route between the computer science laboratory and the coffee dispenser.


I

Instruction Pointer
  1. A mass of desperate methods used in a futile attempt to get Windows to do something that it doesn't want to do.
  2. One who passes work over to another person.
  3. Help-desk representative who informs an inquiring student that another help-desk representative will be happy to help them.

Integer

 The most abused of all datatypes. It is used frequently when a byte or short would easily do. The result is often that large arrays, or significant instantiations of objects containing them, consumes much more memory than is actually needed.

Internet Protocol

 The protocol whereby Microsoft servers are allowed to communicate with Microsoft Internet Explorer faster than non-Microsoft servers.

Internet Relay Chat

 (abbr. IRC) Familiar background noise created by the mumbled banter of people complaining about the slowness of their Internet connection. (Cf. Peripheral Vision (q.v.).)


J

javathon

 (Coined: Mike Alcock) An uninterrupted, extended period of solid Java programming, usually covering most of the night. Strictly, a javathon involves abstaining from food, drink, rest and often human contact.
    The origins of the javathon can be traced back to 1998, where a small band of dedicated but nevertheless last-minute first-year Java programmers congregated in Keele University Computer Science Department's Turing Laboratory, to complete a Java assignment due in the following day.
    To knowledge, the record for the longest "strict" javathon was by myself, and lasted from approximately 10.30 two days before the deadline to 14.00 on the deadline date, a total of around 27hrs 30mins. For the sake of interest, the reason for this feat was a David Budgen assignment in the Data Structures module. It involved the construction of a double-ended queue. The work was finished, and I passed.


K

Kernel

 The authoritative object that orders General Protection Fault to appear.

Keyboard

 That part of the brain set aside to remember Windows error codes in a futile attempt to look up and understand at a later time.


L

Lecturer

 A failed programmer (q.v.).


M

Memory, Virtual

 See Virtual Memory (q.v.).

MS-DOS Prompt

 (Abbr. for Microsoft Disk Operating System Prompt) Ancient but highly intelligent command-line interface (CLI). It is capable of prompting the user for commands, as with other CLIs. However, it has the additional capability of refusing to obey anything more taxing than a directory listing and remembering anything apart from the last command executed.
    It is also capable of executing the user via dynamic execution (q.v.). This is cleverly done by annoying the user with its capabilities so much that he, she or it suffers symptoms similar to those experienced in a heatsink (q.v.), or even a crash (q.v.).

Monitor

 The silent mental background process that checks and attempts to anticipate software failures, so that Windows (or an application) can be restarted before it locks up or so that data can be preemptively salvaged. An example is hitting "Select All" and then to copy a chunk of text typed into a Netscape or Internet Explorer text-box back in after the application fails once without warning.


N

Netmask

 What one feels like putting on following the thought to infiltrate Microsoft HQ and program something that functions adequately.


O

Operating System

 The methodolody a computer scientist employs in order to get work done and to avoid work simultaneously. Examples include pizza, playing Minesweeper and other (usually strategy and shoot-'em-up) games, reading e-mails and browsing for pornography.


P

Peripheral

 — Device:
    Flowery, spontaneously vague verbal language tactics used in attempts to convince the buyer/project manager/project marker that the code words, when it does not.
— Thought:
  1. Something that occurs to you to try in a desperate and vain attempt to solve a now hours-old but trivial problem with your program.
  2. Something that occurs to you to try as above, that is likely to work, two minutes after the code has been submitted.
— Vision:
    Pertaining to the uncanny and disturbing sixth sense some people have, enabling them to talk and listen to other people, as well as knowing where in the room they are, without once looking away from the monitor.

Pointer, Instruction

 See Instruction Pointer.

Portable Device

 Polite term for that part of the anatomy which you are asked to remove when being kicked out of the computer science building at 11.00pm.

Processor

 That part of you that is at least minimally capable of working out what the code you wrote last week actually does.

Programmer

 Strange individual astute as to how no to program code, who knows to try and avoid large projects if possible and who eventually realises that it is easier to convey this knowledge to others by becoming a "lecturer" (cf. "Keep It Simple, Stupid"). This means that lecturers are former programmers who have and communicate this "knowledge", but do not have to prove their inadequacy in practice.

Prompt, MS-DOS

 See MS-DOS Prompt.

Protocol, Internet

 See Internet Protocol.

Pseudocode
  1. Any code which made sense in writing before, but does not now due to an appalling lack of comments within the code.
  2. Any code that is over-simplified to the point that it looks good and straightforward in writing, but is actually impossible to program.
  3. That which no-one ever really uses but whose importance is stressed to the lesser enlightened.


Q


R

Refresh

 (Of Netscape v4.x and lower) Given that the normal functionality of Web Browsers' "refresh" facility is somewhat documented, it is perhaps odd that these standardised procedures of its use are not complied with by older versions of Netscape, which seemingly ignores the refresh request altogether. This is particularly exemplified when trying to re-load an applet or javascript function whose code has been changed (and in the former case, re-compiled).
    The precise function of the Refresh Button of the Ancient Netscape era has been rumoured widely. Theories range from its ability to catch the word on the latest browser gossip over the 'Net, to being the utterly perverse ability to defaecate, "dumping" large copies of irrelevant and bloated code into memory, at the expense of the speed and resources of the operating system. This is not the only case of intelligent obsolete software: see also MS-DOS Prompt.


S

Stack

 The tower of buscuits required, or empty pizza boxes acquired, alongside beer, to facilitate a healthy javathon (q.v.).

Status Words

 The Microsoft End User Life Agreement (EULA), which effectively renders you, your possessions, your willpower and your (potential) children theirs.


T

Trinary

 Futile act of thologians of computer science to solve or attempt to solve ancient, irrelevant and obsolete problems.

Thought, Peripheral

 See Peripheral Thought.


U


V

Virtual Memory

 (Of Windows) Pertaining to the fact that, no matter how much memory you buy, it still runs out.

Vision, Peripheral

 See Peripheral Vision.


W

Windows

 Things that crash easily when complex applications are applied.


X


Y


Z
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