| Complete Military History of France Gallic Wars- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French History, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian Hundred Years War- mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare;"France's armies are only victorious when not led by a Frenchman." Italian Wars- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots Thirty Years War- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participans started ignoring her. Wars of Devolution- Ties. Frenchmen take t wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. The Dutch War- Tied War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/ French and Indian War- Lost but claimed as a tie. three ties in a row induces deluded frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. War of the Spanish Succession--Lost. The War also gave the French their first tase of a Marlboough, which they have loved ever since. American Revolution- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." The French Revolution- won primarily due to the fact that the opponent was alslo French. The Napoleonic Wars- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to the leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. The Franco-Prussian War -Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on Saturday night. World War I -Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. World War II- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel song. War in Indochina- Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu Algerian Rebellion- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the first rule of Muslim Warfare; "We must always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Eskimos. War on Terrorism- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to the Germans and Muslims just to be saf. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald. Classic quote "Going to war without France is like going deer hunitng without an accordion." |
| Click on the tricolour to access the French Foreign ministry's site. That is, if you feel up to it........ |
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| Note: the above can be found easily on the net! |