We haven�t had sex in weeks, maybe even a month.

And I�m sitting here, a hand down my pants, Johnny Depp naked in my mind, his name burning on my tongue.

�Sh... Sh,� I pant, my body on fire, sapphire scalding my skin slowly, pleasure before pain and I groan deep when I come, jizz lukewarm on my naked chest, heaving along with my front.

�Oh god,� I swallow loudly, my groin still tingling, still ready and it�s not much of a surprise. This was just an excuse. A poor excuse of a climax, nothing to come of it because it�s not him. It�s not him licking at my neck, the tip of his tongue magical as it made my insides cream. It wasn�t his hand, rough skin tight around me, beautiful and fancy in his strokes. It�s not him against me when I�m in limbo, when I�m on the brink of sanity, when everything is just as insignificant as bread in a box, when I need him deep in my soul, living with his touch.

Instead, he�s out and I�m here, come sticky on my chest but my arms too tired to clean myself up. Never mind the fact that I�m in a chair, my cock limp. But want was still pooling in my veins, and soon enough I knew I�d go crazy, my blood clotting with lust until I got what I needed:

Him.

-*-

I know this isn�t good for me, I say to myself as I sit here, eyes blurry with... something. I�m not quite sure yet. I just know it�s not tears. Never�ll be tears. Not for him.

�Damn, Justin,� I hear and I close my eyes, preparing myself. I sit in the chair, and it smells dirty to me. And probably only to me because I�m the only one who knows, the only one who cares.

�Shit,� he says and I have to smile. I didn�t even hear the door open and when I look at him, I vibrate, my body becoming hollow and vulnerable to these feelings. �You scared me. What�re you doing?�

I don�t ask him where he�s been nor do I ask him if he remembered that he was supposed to take me out tonight. Because he told me in the beginning. This wasn�t a love thing. So don�t go on falling... Of course, I laughed at the time because it was him quoting Pink. And plus, I like that song.

He liked everyone. And everyone loved him. Wasn�t complicated, and he liked it that way. I just hated that I didn�t.

It was killing me slowly, and definitely not softly. I resented it, I hated that every time we touched, I felt things I wasn�t supposed to feel. Things that I wanted to cling on like a newborn clutching his mother�s breast.

�Hey,� he damn near purred into my ear and I sighed, annoyed, or hoping to sound so, but he didn�t catch on and his lips were still silky smooth as he kissed my cheek, a blow of air raising goose bumps upon my body. My skin ached in anticipation, my whole being hurting as those lips slipped ghostly across my cheek.

I took in a shaky breath, my lashes falling to kiss my cheeks, grimacing as his tongue lapped at my earlobe, the slow languid twist of it too much for me as I start breathing hard, my chest aching with want�

And suddenly, Maxwell popped into my head, on the tip of my tongue but he kisses that spot behind my ear and right then and there, I can�t handle it, my body arching with grace as tears burn my eyes.

I wanna say it now, tell him how I feel and how I need to leave; instead I�m singing into Justin�s mouth as he covers mine with chapped lips, powerful in their intent to hide the rest of the iceberg.

Maxwell seeps onto his tongue and I hope he can feel the melody.

Ever since the way you looked at me
Love is not a want
Love is now a need

-*-

I hear him talking to someone on the phone, some girl because I can kinda hear her voice. I wonder if I�m ever that damn loud.

I turn over and press against him, my eyes opening as his heat slips into mine. It�s gorgeous, the feeling it gives me. God, I love�

�Baby, not now. You know I got PR and shit today� And you would know?� he laughed and he sounded so happy and when I slipped away, I told myself... warned myself...

But it was all shot to hell because he had his arms around my waist, his big hands splayed over me, one on my chest, a finger teasingly grazing a nipple, the other below my belly. And it wasn�t going any further than dirty words and occasional gropes, not to mention the kisses that made me seize.

Because we haven�t had sex for a while now, maybe even a month.

When he kisses my mouth and I want to marry him for everything he is, I know I�m in trouble.

-*-

Christina knows what I�m going through and I�m singing with her while I�m washing dishes. I know I could be using the expensive ass dishwasher I bought a minute ago but, then again, it�s fun being normal.

�And it hurts my soul, �cause I cant let go. All these walls are caving in, I cant stop my suffering. And I hate to show that I lost control, �cause I keep going right back, to the one thing that I need...�

He walked in, his pants unbuttoned and his smirk so damn sexy I could feel it in my toes.

�To walk away from,� I whisper as I smile back, a slow nod of my head.

�Hey, what�s up?� he asked so casually I turn back to my dishes, rubbing a sore spot into the crystal, smiling to myself when I feel him near. He stands beside me with a grin and I giggle to myself when I think of it.

�What�d you do today?�

I felt like a housewife; I loved it.

�Nothin� really. Hung out with Trace. We might go out tonight, wanna come?�

I shake my head, rinsing off the suds and he scoots closer, hoping to persuade me but I hold my ground, raising an eyebrow. Make him feel stupid, always works.

But damn, he�s not easily deterred.

�Come,� he whispers, pulling my belt loops and it happens again, my feelings heavy as that throb starts to spread through my body. The hurt is starting to sear my insides.

I�m wrapped up in his closeness, the mere thought sweeping me up into a fantasy I can�t escape.

He kisses my cheek and starts walking away and I guess I had agreed.

-*-

It shouldn�t hurt this bad, I pant as I watch him walk off with her, his eyes bright and the same way he looks at me.

There�s no difference between us.

And it shouldn�t hurt this bad, I whimper as I cry like a little baby in the bathroom, watching my reflection as I do. My eyes are deep; I�ll admit it. They�re raw and beautiful, girded with pink, crystal blue a little clear against the such color. And my face is pale, a blush on my cheeks vibrant, especially in the light, my tear tracks glossy and almost looking as if glass.

Beautiful and here I was, feeling like shit.

I curl up, backing away as I head into a stall, the knot in my throat tightening, the pain in my stomach tensing as the tears rushed forth, my mouth opening to let a yell and it hurt so bad.

I�m sitting there, crying on a toilet seat, my maimed soul raw with yearning.

This has to end, I think as I take in a shaky breath. This had got to end.

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Addicted

* First song by Maxwell, Lovers Only. Second song by Christina Aguilera, Walk Away.