Hi-Ho, Silver!

   Al Gore decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted, and it immediately springs into motion. As it gallops along at a steady pace, Al begins to slip from the Saddle. In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane, but can't get a firm grip.
   He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. Finally giving up his frail grip, he tries to leap off the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become   entangled in the stirrup, he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over.
   He is moments away from unconsciousness when, to his great fortune, Wendell, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees him and unplugs the horse.

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of
golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into
a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and while I was rooting
around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I
walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was the golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it... stuck right in the middle of the cow's
butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like
yours!'"

 Subject: beer troubleshooting

         Beer Troubleshooting.

         SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
         FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
         ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward  ceiling.

         SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
         FAULT: Improper bladder control.
         ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

         SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
         FAULT: Glass empty.
         ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

         SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
         FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
         ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

         SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
         FAULT: You have fallen forward.
         ACTION: See above.

         SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
         FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
         ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

         SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
         FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
         ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

         SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
         FAULT: You are being carried out.
         ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

         SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
         FAULT: Bar has closed.
         ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

         SYMPTOM: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
         FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
         ACTION: Cover mouth.

         SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
         FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
         ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

         SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
         FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
         ACTION: Punch him.

         SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
         FAULT: You have been in a fight.
         ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

         SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
         FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
         ACTION: See if they have free beer.

         SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
         FAULT: The beer is too weak.
         ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

         SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
         FAULT: Beer is just right.
         ACTION: Play air guitar.

          SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH

    Looking stunned, he said, "What?"