I have an eldest Brother. A dear, sweet, understanding brother that in most aresa of life is very smart as all eldest brothers should be. After a period of seperation, we are again learning about each other and forming a eldest brother/youngest brother relationship that I am enjoying very much. He visits me on Monday and we have either a Chicken or Tuna Salad sandwich. BUCK (what a manly-man name but perfect for older brother types) knows that I am gay, and when I was with Robert never once made him feel as an outsider or a freak. I had shared with Buck my plans for when I die. These plans are simple as I wish to be crmated and my ashes taken atop, "Lookout Mountain" and scattered over a five state area. I imaging a rough, tough, Good ole Boy, mountain man sitting on his porch one day and taking a deep breath when suddenly he inhales some of my ashes. Suddenly he turns to his wife and announces,
"You know Berthasue I really have an urge to suck cock!?!?!?
My brother did not know what to make of this and was unsure if I was serious or just making "Gay Talk". What is Gay Talk? What does being Gay mean? My question to him as to all others who think the way he does..."Why would anyone decide to be Gay"? I have the world's straightest son who prides himself on being a good Southern Country Boy. What would I do if he suddenly would announce that he was Gay? What would I do or say? I would cry. I would weep because I know what type of world my son would have to live in. Snide remarks, being always on the outside, and always fearing that one day he will be in the wrong place at the wrong time and be "Bashed or even "Killed". Yes.....I would cry for him.
I never offically told my family I was gay as my ex-wife took it upon herself to do the job. So everyone knew without me having to say a thing. Buck and I never spoke of his feelings and as I said before, he just went along with it. One visit recently I asked him what he thought on Gays, and even Gay Marrage. As I expected, he told me he was opposed Gay Marragies and that being Gay was a choice one made. He is without a doutb that no one is born Gay.
I need to explain a little family history to help you understand this better. My Father is one of twelve children that lived to adulthood. Each of his Brother's and Sister have at least one child who is Lesbian or Gay. Amazing how this fits to the one in ten satictics we hear so much about. Try to imagine what family reunions are like with one end of the table full of country cooking and the other end totally catered with the proper lighting effects.
So I asked my brother to explain his feelings as I WAS interested in his thoughts and beliefs. I am certain my brother was not aware of what he was truly saying when he said that People who are inclined to be that way make a choice to be Gay or not. I will not bore you with the irony of this, andonly hope those who do not get it that they not hurt themselves be scracthing their arses with they beer can try to figure this out. Therefore, I come back to my earlier question. What is being Gay? I do know a few facts that I can input at this point. Being Gay means:
"Never having to hire a Chief,
Never having to employ a Fashion Consultant,
Never needing to hire a Home Decorator, and
Lastly, never needing a Social Director.
We have all seen the new reports during "Gay Pride Days" which focus on bare-breasted Lesbians on motorcycles and riduculously dressed Drag Queens. This is as much as being Gay as Pimps in fur hats and coat driving a Cadilac is to Blacks, or Laundries only being owned by Asians. Therefore, by now you may believe that I am coming to the ultimate answer that will explain it all in a sentence or two. Those few words that will completely define the character and nature of being Gay. Sorry, but once more I am unable to do this. I am Gay, but I am a Human Being first and last with being Gay as an EXTRA benefit. Did I awake one morning and thought as I was having my coffee that from now on I will be Gay. No. As I NOW look back over my life I can realise that I have always been Gay, but that the choice I made was that of living my life in a LIE. Things are better these days than in my youth. Today's young Men and Women have a better chance of "Coming Out", and admitting what they are and build a happy life upon that. I was a good boy growing up and tried to do what I was expected. I married, had a child, and was very involved with Church and PTA. I did love my wife and I adore my son more than he believes. However, I can not help think of the misery and hurt both my wife and son went through when I could no longer hold up the lie. How my wife's life would have so different and perhaps as with every guilt trip, wonder if she perhaps would have had a happier life totally different than what she shared with me. I would of course not had my perfect son, but I would never had married so that goes that.
The shame and the hurt is that we do have to live lies like that if we are to keep our families and friends, and act a certain way. After my divorce, my ex-wife also told my Mother whom one day asked me if it were true. I turned to her and asked her if it would matter if I was, and would that make a difference in how she felt about me. Her answer was short and to the point.
"YES". she said, "it would".
ONE SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO LIE TO THEIR MOTHER.
