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I woke this morning and the thought entered my mind that I was alone. Alone that is other than being with Oscar. Oddly it was being alone that made me realize I was not alone. I had Oscar, and friends, and those I date. So I suppose you would say I was not alone, yet I am.
Alone.....yes, but not lonely. That was the idea that was going through my mind as I sat with my coffee and Pop-Tarts. I live alone. God knows I have kept myself alone. Three times now in the past year and half I have said no to sharing my life with others. Three times they went away. Not one of them wanted to be alone. Yet...Here I am alone and loving it. Am I strange to feel that way...is there something wrong with me, and most importantly ...am I destined to always be alone?
Questions I can not answer, and questions I do not think I care to answer. They are not important to me. I do not care what the answers are. I only know I am alone...not lonely, and I like it. Will I one day say yes when asked to marry again? I don't know. I don't think about it. I am at peace now. I believe I want to see what that is like a little longer.
I do know that the last 4 years of my marrage to Robert was the most lonely I had ever knew. But wait...I was with someone so how could I be so lonely? How could I have felt so alone? I understand that now, when I did not then. Being alone, and lonely with someone in your life is perhaps the worse feelings there are.
Now I am alone with myself. I am lonely no more, and I indulge myself in this happy aloness. Because I no longer am alone...I am with myself. This Michael that I have come to know and love.
I am not truly alone.
I am not lonely
I am Michael.....,
And I like him !!!!!!!
Auguat, 10, 2003
I always knew what I wanted. From my earliest memory all the way to now. I never wavered, never varied from my dream. I have wished for nothing else, and will settle on nothing less. Plain and simple.....I want to be a "THEY" when I grow up.
I am most certain you know what a "they" are, but if there is any confusion allow me to explain. "They"...... are the ones that sit atop mountain high and say all the wise and wonderful things.
"They say if you cross your eyes they will freeze that way."
"They say you can never go home again."
Imagine..... the wonderous things "The " sit and think up. I envision them sitting around and saying everything wise and true. Of course I assume they live high on a mountain, or it could be a split level in the suburds. Either way you know it is where they ought to be. I ponder what They wear. Is it jeans and t shirts, or flowing white robes? I prefer to believe that They live in a loft over some artsy section of town, and their dress....well let's just say I hope it has both leather and reinstones.
I envision myself among my fellow "Theys" lounging in a bean-bag chair with a dry martini when suddenly I sit erect, and all around look to me knowing I am about to pronouce another "They Say." After I have made my statement all will applaud and say words of thanks for their newest member.
Yes. This is how I see my life..........That is when I grow up.
July, 29, 2003
