February 10, 2004
My true name is Dad.
That’s the name God’s given me. It’s a noble name. As noble a name as I can think of. It’s also a name that carries with it some awesome responsibilities.
I’ve been reading in Wild At Heart about a man’s soul, how we all want something to fight for, a battle to wage, a just cause to defend. I think….. no, I know I’ve found my battle. It goes hand it hand with my name. My battle is for my daughter’s hearts. My battle is for them.
Let me be clear about what I’m saying here. I’m not talking about winning their hearts favor, or being "the favorite parent". I’m not talking about winning a custody battle. I’m talking about their health. I’m talking about their happiness. I’m talking about giving them the best stake in life I can give them. I’m talking about their spirits and their souls.
Their mother and I are still married, but have been separated 8 months now. This is the 4the time, and it’s irreparable. Frankly speaking, we’ve put these kids through hell, and it’s time it stopped.
God’s given me a battle to fight, a just cause to defend. A name to uphold.
I talked with Lindsey tonight for several hours. She finally let go with some of the sorrow and sadness she’s been holding in for so very long. The details of what we talked about are not all that important. The center around her mother and I; her deep desire to have a good relationship with her mom, and her profound sadness at not really having it. She feels hurt about so many things that went on in the past. I’ve told her repeatedly that it’s OK to angry about her mom and I divorcing, and that it’s not her fault. It sucks to be a kid in her situation, and it’s OK to say so. I told her none of what has happened is her fault, and when she said I know, it’s not really anyone’s fault, I just had to pull her up short.
It IS someone’s fault. The fault lies squarely at my feet of her mother and I. This entire divorce, separation, and the games we’ve played with our children are damned right our fault, and these kids should have the freedom…. no, I’d have to say the RIGHT to place blame squarely where it belongs. They have the right to tell us squarely, just how much we’ve hurt them, how much we’ve let them down, and how much we’ve really made a general mess of their lives. And I need to suck it up and let them say it, because it’s true.
And therein lies the battle which God has shown me. It’s the battle for my little girl’s souls. Their health. Their mental stability. Their happiness and their lives.
Tonight, while I was praying, I asked God to stand along side me and lend me his strength while I did whatever I could to protect them. I want them to be healthy, happy, and strong. I asked God to give me his strength when mine wasn’t enough, to do whatever it took to ensure their success and joy in life. Then I thought of that line from the end of "Bruce Almighty" when God asks Bruce to pray a real prayer. Bruce was thinking about his girlfriend, Grace:
God: Grace. You want her back?
Bruce: No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.
God: Now THAT'S a prayer. (emphasis added)
And that’s when God asked me, just as clearly as if He was standing in the room with me:
God: Mike, do you want Lindsey to be happy even if that happiness involves an actual healing of her relationship with her mother? Even if that happiness and healing and health involves Lindsey moving closer to her mother and away from you? Even if that means YOU helping their mother to get closer to her daughters, in whatever way you can? Do you truly want their happiness THAT much?
Mike: (silence)
God: That’s your battle, boy. That’s your cause to fight for: their happiness and health. What higher cause do you want?
I was at a real crossroads. I want my kids to be happy and healthy. I feel it’s my responsibility to help them find that happiness, because God knows I did enough to help them lose it. To be truly honest with myself, their mother and I tore it away from them. None of what happened was their fault. I still remember Emily asking me after the last time I moved back home, "I hope your done screwing with my life." Well, I wasn’t.
So, here I am with a great responsibility. A great battle to fight. It’s what I’d been looking for! And I think, I’ve been fighting it, and I’m winning, too! My relationship with my daughters has never, ever been better. I talk with Lindsey for hours about everything. Cameron and I have long, honest discussions about her life, what she’s doing, how she feels. Emily is growing, and seems to be trusting me much more than she ever has, and has opened up and shared things I never thought I’d ever share with her again. We’re closer than ever. I’m a better father than I’ve ever been. Things are good! (Mind you, that entire last paragraph flashed through my soul more as a feeling than a thought, and was summed up in the space of about 2 seconds).
Then God goes and ups the ante.
God:
So, tonight as I prayed, God laid out the facts. And I prayed a very simple response.
Mike: Just show me when and what to do, Lord. I’ll obey you. I trust you to know what is right for my girls. I trust you to fight along side me, for them, and to have their very best in your mind at all times.
That was the hardest prayer I’ve prayed in a long time. But I gotta tell ya something (you should feel my heart right now), I feel like a warrior. It feels good.