| To my daughters and sons... |
| Mothers Day 2.30pm 2001 |
| Here I sit alone, looking out of my windows at a world kissed wth sunshine and blue skies, turning my mind to you all and thinking of humanity, and being less than perfect and the paths that lie ahead of you. And I remember myself as I was when I was your age and stepping down my own walk into life and choice and adulthood. I forgive you now for the pain I feel with your rejection... you see, I in a similar way rejected my own mother and caused her unknown pain. What I rejected was different, but the choices I made at your age and earlier are the same ones you are making, and in my loneliness here, I look back and reflect and send what love I have to you all as you grow into your own self. I did not know, as you do not know, the pain I was causing. It is only now that I can see. Your Grandma, my mother, to her credit, has never held it against me and has loved me anyways, so you see - I know love exists and that one can survive this, as I have survived so much. So far. Mike -I have not seen you since I confronted you with your betrayal and cruelty in using something you overheard to make yourself into a hero.I am tired of all the hyprocrisy and the lies we speak and we live without speaking. I have no time or energy to perpetrate the niceties. I do however love. I understand your anger. I also know your lesson: being adult does not mean you attain an age that is magic and confers wisdom on you.... becoming an adult is the stripping away of all illusions. ...of facing the fact life does hurt more often than not, and is NOT just... and being adult means we stop looking to blame someone else...we just accept sometimes we hurt or get hurt, but we will allow it no longer. Strange as you may find it, I miss you. I do not miss your cruelty and your nasty manipulations - but I miss the little boy in a man's body I saw again briefly.... the boy I have seen survive 8 years by any means possible... the boy who would not let me heal him. That boy was right.. I have no magic wand or potion that works.. all I have is me, and I am fatally flawed... And I felt the barb you poisoned and aimed at me on your birthday. And I know it was intended. I will never allow you or anyone else to hurt me that way again. The worst you can do - you have done. I am now immune. Vincent... the lost one...who I think of so often and worry more about than anyone realises. I know better than anyone how much it costs one to push down and bury anger and pain and grief until it curdles inside and leeches life from you. I have seen alcohol release the demons from inside you in the form of violence...a lethal anger fuelled animal noone can control and I worry for you... Tess - I always knew life would rip your heart from you and trample your dreams and it broke me to watch you set your own self up for it. I know it is easier to focus on my flaws and lacks than it is to fix your own life, and I am aware of your struggle and your pain.. I feel every hope and dream that lives inside you. There is no perfect world and there is no magic cure to the cure in one's heart. I know that each moment lived is a chance... that each ending can be a beginning if we let it.. I know life has not taken anything away from me than something more wonderful waits up ahead... I was not aware of my own beauty until it was almost gone.. and I better than anyone alive understands loneliness, and live with that as my most intimate companion. Somewhere, someone special waits and longs for you as you long for someone who can treasure the small and delicate loving soul you are. I see what you are, and what you have allowed yourself to become. I do not always like you in your pride and controlling and judgement. But that does not mean I do not love you. This time Tess I will not back down. You can take your time. It is only our lives you waste. But that is your choice. Pandy - I hope you too find the happiness and stability you seek. I suspect what you find in all is not the anchor or the meaning.. I suspect all you find is more questions as life deepens you and drags you into growth. I worry about the price you must pay, for I see in you that terrible journey I myself have taken. Amy - sweet child so thoughtful and brighter than you admit to... growing into true beauty... You have no idea how lovely you are do you?? and I am thrilled to see you blossom... to see your delicate beauty... to see the clumsy overgrown puppy of a girl become the delicate beautiful fully grown person. Your strength and loyalty is admirable...and your kindness a treat. I chose to have you and loved you from before your birth and I love you still deeply and totally. You have my unconditionally support and love in anything and everything you do. Genevieve and Leonnie... the love I feel for you I cast forth like a net of love as a fisherman casts his nets... as you close your eyes to sleep - feel deeply my touch and my gentle stroking of your heads... When I w as a little girl, my daddy asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up...and the answer was that I wanted to be a mother. I meant it. I may not have measured up to what you guys want as a best, but I have done my best. |