friday night

Love takes time and effort.. it is a million moments stacked one atop the other to make something tangible.

The emotion of all that, the other evening... was just suddenly everywhere... spreading through me.. reaching up into me and over me ... overcoming my control.. overcoming..ME.

Words tangled deep inside me, and I couldn't find the frayed start of it.... You see, I cannot choose to ignore who you are, what you feel and what you are going through. What defines you??

Your life is well ordered, and you sit smack in the center of the ordinary, with your family gathered close around you.
Husband
Father
These are the roles that define you, that have given your existence meaning... it is what you have always been...

There you have home and family, solidity, respect, a place that is clearly defined and comfortable. You have had over two decades of history, and routines... patterns and grooves you have worn into and around each other...that comfort and fit. You first held her hand and kissed her when you were how old?? and she has never looked at another man... You two have history. Where did you lose track of each other? Where did you stop telling each other secrets and started amassing the habits of hurt and regret??

And me ? What have I to give but just myself, and fun and laughter and friendship and love, like a deep never ending well.....appreciation for who you are, and understanding of all of you. And trust and faith.. yes belief and faith most of all wrapped in love. I did not sleep Friday night after I cut my net connection.. I sat down and buried myself under a jumble of thoughts and feelings and pulled it all out and looked at the puzzle pieces for the umpteenth time.

Looked at how I felt for a moment there like a disappearing person a million miles from the only man I have ever loved...I long to touch you so badly it hurts...

People leave me...I am afraid that when you go I will disappear entirely.. I know what she wants..... she wants you. I am not sure she would accept what you give her if you try... she would be a fool not to, because you are in truth the most wonderful man I know...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo I am not blind.. I am well aware of who and what you are.. and I can see you for yourself. and that self is great.

I almost convinced myself to nobly back away today.. but I cannot. I do not know how I would get through a day without you as part of it.. I don't want to ever have to face that. Friday night I was helpless and lost... Now all I am is what I have grown into, and it is what people see as the beauty in me.. Love has transformed me.. It is you.. without you I would wither and dry up. I am bound so much about you and in you and because of you that there is no separating me from you.... yet I remain me.

Walking close to the edge.. the very tip of life, reminded me how precious time is and how fleeting. How sometimes life snipps the edges off our good intentions before we have a chance to say or do what we intend, to speak what really matters. And every day for the rest of my life I am going to tell you and show you that you matter; that I love you passionately and totally and that I need you . Sometimes we have no second chances, so I will not waste one moment of our chance.

For a moment there I had never been so confused or shaken in my life. .. I had this moment of paralysing gutwrenching fear. You see I don't want you to step fully back into your life and your world there. I want to go on loving you... growing in love and letting the love grow us...
I want to walk rings around you and try to beat you at tennis... I want to sit in the hot tub with you till I almost pass out after swimming more laps than you... I want to tease you about you being old... and eating the same breakfast day in day out for years... I want to toss ideas back and forwards... one of which could be the  the genesis of something wonderful... I want to steal your shirt from the washing basket and climb into it when you are not near me so I can smell you...

Mostly , I want to be in love every day, every moment for the rest of my life... to wake up every morning beside you and go to sleep each night in your arms. I do not want to be left here with a handful of broken dreams and shattered promises.. Iw ant to live this... in the only way I can do anything and everything passionately and with all I am... I do not want to be strong, nor do I want to be honourable... I can't stop thinking about our every moment with each otehr, word, thought caring love.. piled one atop the other.... every moment you held me and touched me and kissed me with a gentleness I had never imagined... the timbre of your voice.. the intensity of your caring and your hunger for every scrap of every piece of me greedily consumed... and I have thought about how des-perately lonely my life would be without you.

You would go on without me; your patterns established and you fitting neatly within them... And I ache to say so much.. I ache to throw my arms around you.. and feel you wrap your arms around me... so I feel safe.. forever safe... from life, from myself,... from pain and loneliness and isolation... I know everything and anything can change in even one moment .... I know that heartfelt words are fragile things that once shattered can cut you so deeply you bleed forever....