Dairy Entry No 20
Nov 1999
Hi Hon,
Tennis... mmmmm I can imagine. I want to hear all the details about the surface and what it is like to play on. Suffice it to say I am green with envy; positively green.. POUT!! I rang the doctor and asked what sort of exercise might be suitable under the circumstances. LOL Guess that was NOT the cleverest question. I almost felt them picking their jaw up off the floor ... guess vigorous exercise is not something they recommend. Of course i would somehow have to find energy( I as yet haven't) and I am not at all certain "mind over matter" will apply here! Their words and thoughts tumbled out all a jumble.. like... conserve your strength for what is REALLY important... You know.. I am sure you likely have similar thoughts!! *s*
I still find it amazing that a simple year feels like forever. Yes just about a year ago, we talked in reality for the first time; and talked and talked and talked... now I cannot imagine a day where I do not hear the sound of your voice.
More of my history. The marraige in the recent past was Death by Internet, as I have told you along the way. I killed it - I am certain although it was a troubled thing anyways. What we do to each other as people sometimes. He didn't keep his word, I knew it annoyed him to log onto the net so I did.. increasingly so, and found chatrooms and found a niche where I was comfortable and accepted.. More grew from that.. there was Bear. It was strange to find feelings growing from merely talking to someone. Bourbon StreetBar and magic days... magic people and times... some of those I still have close contact with and they are and always will be my friends. I found I enjoyed being in a committed relationship. Feelings do not generate between me and multitudes at any one given time.. then I discovered hurt and betrayal.. That coupled with the fact Bear was looking for a mother for his future children.. well that finished that for me.
Soon after there was Dennis.
I find it important emotionally for me to have one steady strong flame. I cannot splinter my feelings into numerous levels nor am I very successful at pretense. It is important to me to love with all my heart, one soul bonded to that soul for eternity... a sense of rightness and belonging; vitally important. This is what my soul has yearned for, longed for and searched for; a lover, a friend, a playmate.. and the kind of love I give. Love for the person, the human not any ideal. A love that will love you anyways. .. no matter what.
Just before I left the ex, Dennis was captivating. The dreams were those I could have bought into and did for a time. When the relationship should have progressed and should have gotten deeper, I began to feel something was missing.. something vital. I felt he was superimposing a template of which I was the central focus.
I left the marraige and disappeared offline for three months. It was obvious to me that if I was growing feelings for other people I had never met although our minds had touched, that there was very little left ( if indeed there ever had been anything aside from a sexual thing ) in the marraige.
Noone online had any contact... never went near a PC... when I finally came back to the net world, Dennis was one of the first people who happened across me,...we pursued a possibility, and it appears he never knew me at all, and that some dream/ideal of his has grown around what he perceived of me. You are right, he never knew me well. In truth hon, noone has ever known me well. Till you. It is only because of you, through you and with you that even I am beginning to grasp parts of myself.
And then mark.
And then YOU.
With you that final outward letting going of the breath I have held for so long. .. that incredible sense of rightness, .. of finally being recognised as I was., and even as I am not and being loved for myself. The sure ending of a search, ....confirmed not once but many times in the little things. You are all and everything to me sweetheart, now and always.
I realised something astonishing the other Saturday when I faced the possibility and accepted the fact that I might need to walk away. I faced this in myself and realised I have never felt like this before.. never known anything quite like this in any area of my life, in any way to this depth. Before we talked I was shattered knowing I was planning on saying goodbye.. shattered beyond anything I could cope with or handle.. totally devastated. I was hollowed out inside faced with the knowledge that I was going to say goodbye.
The simple truth I have faced in these last few weeks is this.
Without you I have no desire to go on at all in any way. Despite everything and everyone in my life, they are not enough. None of that would matter. I squarely faced a life without you in it in some way, and i felt like I was dying. I could not deal with it.. And I want to live, but not without you.
Dramatic yes.
The truth? Astoundingly.. yes.
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