I know of the well meaning promises that became lies.. I know that you were in a turbulent sea and you have let the current suck you under once again.
And my love and hope tortured you. You tried.. you really tried and you didn;t want to fail me or disappoint me. I know how often you promised yourself and me soemthing, and even as you promised you knew it could end up being another lie and that made you feel worse.. compounded and compounding all the promises you made that you broke.. all the truths that you let become lies, another promise made by a man who kept too few.
And I know you can't even help yourself, never mind helping me. Stronger, better... you torture yourself with a perfect image that noone could live up to, and I know you are trying to find your way back to someone you can respect. THAT is who you are. And it was a huge relief to face that. And know it to be true. So you walked away from me and back into your life. I know too you don't have an On/OFF switch for loving. I know it takes an active effort to stay away. I know I am not the only one hurting. I know how much of both of us stays where we have always been.. and will stay there.
I haven't left you Ian. Nor will I. Its just feels that way because you need and want this. I have taken myself away and at least one huge slab of the burden you were drowning under of guilt. The love is still there. It is safe. Not even you can take that away from me...
I know the relief you felt in making a decision.. THAT decision, though we both pay for it. I know you justify it because we both DESERVE to pay and hurt because we had no right really to this.. you bloody puritan. *s*. Yes I can smile through the pain.. the humour is black Ian.. black as the darkest part of night.
I wait Ian. That is not easy to do when the waiting hurts. There is nothing else I can do. I mean - you may actaully grow up and learn whatever it is you must, and then we both win. I still believe.
