STAR WARZEZ EPISODE 1 AND 1/2

A parody of the 'Revolutionary Girl Utena' anime series and 'Star Wars; Episode 1"
Written by ker-plop
Assistance given by Mika-Chan
Disclaimer: I don't own Utena OR Star Wars, thank you very much.
Written in Script Form

PILOT: Preparing to dock, sir.
QUI-GON: Good. I'll go aboard and-
NAVIGATOR: Sir, there's a strange reading coming from the back of the deck.
(Utena Materializes)
UTENA: OOF!
QUI-GON: What the-
UTENA: Hey, where am I? Where's Himemiya? Where's Dios? Where's anyone? Who're you? Can I pull your ponytail?
QUI-GON: Oh, boy. (Ahem) You're on a starship headed for Naboo, who's that, who's that, I haven't a clue, I'm Qui-Gon Jin, no.
UTENA: Awww.
PILOT: We're docking, sir.
QUI-GON: I'm heading on board.
UTENA: Wait for me!

BAD LIZARD GUY 1: The ambassadors from the senate have arrived.
BAD LIZARD GUY 2: My God, one of them's a Jedi knight!
BLG1: What about the other one?
BLG2: Just some pink-haired, bisexual hottie.
BLG1: Lord Sidious never mentioned this.
(Darth Sidious materializes)
SIDIOUS: What is the situation, Viceroy?
BLG1: The senate's ambassadors have arrived. One's a Jedi and the other's a weird girl.
SIDIOS: Weird girl?... (Looks at screen) Very strange, indeed. Fine then. Kill the Jedi and take the girl prisoner. Then get me her phone number. (Vanishes)
BLG1: Great. We've been reduced to finding Lord Sidious dates.
BLG2: We will not survive this...
BLG1: Stop being so dramatic. Just flood the chamber they're in.

QUI-GON: So, just what the heck are you doing here and how did you get here?
UTENA: Well, I was starting my day in bed with Satan himself, then I had to try to open a big door, and when I did, one of my other friends was in there, but that broke and disappeared. Then I got hit with a bunch of swords and BOOM! I'm here.
QUI-GON: You must've smoked a lot to get that kind of effect.
UTENA: Hoo boy...
(Room begins flooding)
QUI-GON: Gas!
UTENA: Just my luck.
(Battle Droids appear in front of door where gas is pouring out)
BATTLE DROID 1: Let's check it out.
BATTLE DROID 2: Roger, roger.
BATTLE DROID 3: Rabbit, Rabbit.
BD1: I told you to stop doing that. Number 2 has a condition.
BD3: Sorry. It's just funny how he repeats everything he says twice.
BD4: I heard he was the spokesdroid for Little Ceaser's.
BD2: Pizza, pizza.
BD3: Are we ever going to attack?
BD1: Fine. Converge.
(Qui-Gon comes flying out, using his lightsaber to slash apart the droids)
UTENA: Cool!
(Destroyer Droids roll out from corner and start blasting)
QUI-GON: Don't you have a weapon to make yourself useful?
UTENA: Sure, I do. "Grant Me The Power To Bring The World Revolution!"
(Utena yanks Qui-Gon's ponytail. Hard.)
QUI-GON: OWWW!!! What did you do that for?!
UTENA: Sorry. Old habit mixed with new curiosity. We're sitting ducks.

BLG1: Where'd they go?!
BLG2: I can't find them on my monitor anywhere.
BLG3: Sir, they've gone through the ventilation shaft.
BLG1: Great. Well, contact the Battle Droid captain and issue an alert. Meanwhile, I'm gonna eat my sandwich.
BLT: No! No! Please don't eat me!
BLG: Sandwiches don't talk. (CHOMP)

BATTLE DROID 1: What is wrong, sir?
BLG1: The Jedi and the girl may have come down to the surface with you. Eliminate them if you see them!
BD1: If they're down here, sir, we'll find them.
(In the thick part of the jungle, Qui-Gon is running from a huge Trade Federation tank that is right behind him. He slams into Utena and they both dive into the muck and the tank rolls over them.)
UTENA: Well, it's nice to see you, too.
QUI-GON: Come on. We have to warn the Naboo that the Trade Federation is invading.
UTENA: Why do I care?
QUI-GON: Ummm... If you come with me, I'll let you yank on my ponytail. Once.
UTENA: Sheesh! Oh, all right... I suppose once is better than never.
QUI-GON: Hey, do you hear something?
UTENA: Like a large beeping, like a truck makes when it's backing up?
(Both gawk as Federation tanks emerge again, going backwards and making the irritating 'beep' sound that trucks make)
UTENA/QUI-GON: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! RUN AWAY!!!
(Both run back the way they came. Utena slams into Jar Jar Binks and they fall down. Qui-Gon vanishes into the bushes as the tanks crash through the bushes again)
JAR JAR:Oh! Yousa save me! Muy muy, I love you forever!
UTENA: What the- Oh, no. Lissen, get lost, frog man.
JAR JAR: Oh, no, no, no! Meesa Jar Jar Binks! Meesa your humble servant!
UTENA: Trust me, that REALLY won't be necessary.
JAR JAR: Oh, but it is, it is! Demanded by the gods, it is!
UTENA: (I coulda just stayed home and become a regular princess and ignored that prince and threw away the rose ring, but no-o-o, I had to do it. Now I'm stuck with this gangly oaf for who knows how long, grumble grumble grumble...) (Suddenly hears STAP fighters approaching) Look out!
JAR JAR: Oh noooo!
(Loud explosion as Utena drop kicks the STAP into the bushes and it blows up)
JAR JAR: You saved my agin! Now I owe you double!
UTENA: I'll never learn, will I?
QUI-GON: There you are.
UTENA: Yay! Ponytail man found me!
QUI-GON: Glad you're safe. Who's that?
UTENA: My worst nightmare come to life, that's what.
QUI-GON: Well, we'd better keep moving. The Naboo city is far away, and if we stick around here much longer, we'll have another legion of battle droids down our throats. (Utena yanks Qui-Gon's ponytail) OWW! OK, that was your only one.
UTENA: Nuts.
JAR JAR: More, you say? Meesa no like dis... Exquise me, but de safest place would be da Gungan City. Dem things won't find it; tis a hidden city.
QUI-GON: A hidden city?
UTENA: Probably as well hidden as this guy's IQ. Whatever. Can ya take us there?
JAR JAR: Well, on second thought, maybe you no wanna go dere.
UTENA: What?
JAR JAR: Tis embarassing. Meesa be banished...
QUI-GON: (Listens) You hear that?
JAR JAR: Ya.
QUI-GON: That's the sound of a million terrible things heading this way.
UTENA: If they catch up to us, we'll be crushed into tiny bits and blown to pieces. And then I'll be there to kick your slimy keister all the way to my school.
JAR JAR: Errr... Yousa point is well-said. Dis way. Hurry!
(Jar Jar leads them under waterfall, where they see a battle arena with the huge Gungan city slowly rotating upside-down above the whole thing)
UTENA: Whoo. Deja vu all over again.
???: Ah! So good to see you again, Utena.
UTENA: What?!
(Saionji steps out from the other waterfall)
Saionji: I didn't expect to see you again so soon.
QUI-GON: I guess you are aquainted with the green-haired gentleman?
UTENA: Green-haired, yes. Gentleman, no.
Saionji: You haven't changed a bit, have you? Well, prepare to lose to me this time! (Draws sword) The first one to lose this Naboo swampflower loses! (Tosses Utena one)
UTENA: ICK! Get this thing off me! (Throws it to Qui-Gon)
QUI-GON: Why're you throwing it at me? I don't want it! (Throws it to Jar Jar, who eats it)
Saionji: Oh, fine. Just use something that looks like a flower.
QUI-GON: Do you require a weapon?
UTENA: Errr... Actually, now that I think about it... Yes.
QUI-GON: Go ahead and use my lightsaber.
(Lightsaber blows out)
QUI-GON: I knew I should've changed the battery in this thing...
UTENA: Great. I've gotta pull a sword out of something! Qui-Gon's no good; I tried him already... (Looks at Jar Jar) I'm gonna have nightmares about this... "Grant me the power to bring the world revolution!"
(Nothing happens)
UTENA: ...Oh, COME ON!
(Utena shakes Jar Jar)
UTENA: Get out here!!!
(Throttles Jar Jar)
UTENA: Cough it up!
(Mercilessly kicks Jar Jar in the sweet spot that makes men cringe when they think about it)
UTENA: GIMME THE SWORD!!!
JAR JAR: Yousa wants a swad? Yousa coulda jus' be askin'. Meesa have sumthin' in me backpack. (Digs through backpack) Here weesa go.
UTENA: "Barbie Magic Sword of Death?" This isn't even a real sword! It's got the word 'Mattel' branded on its side! And what's this button do? (Hits button)
SWORD: Sword of Death Barbie! She'll chop you into chum~
UTENA: (Throwing sword away) What else you got in there?
JAR JAR: All else meesa have worth fightin' wit be dis lil' spork.
UTENA: (Looks at spork) A dirty spork. Let me see... Toy sword or dirty spork? Hmm. Pretty obvious answer. Prepare to face the Spork of Dios, Saionji!
Saionji: This is just sad. OK then, let's fight!
(Ferocious battle)
Saionji: You shall not win! This time, I'm keeping my prize!
UTENA: The Rose Bride? Oh, no ya don't! I'm taking Anshi back!
QUI-GON: WHAT are they babbling about?
JAR JAR: Meesa ain't got no clues.
(More ferocious battling)
Saionji: You know, this fight would be a lot cooler if it were a visual thing.
UTENA: I agree. Hey, where's the big, dramatic music?
(Dramatic music revs up, more ferocious fighting)
Saionji: I'm going to win this time!
UTENA: I don't think so. Ha!
(DOINK)
Saionji: AAAHHH!! MY EYE!!!
UTENA: See? Sporks work quite well. (Knocks off Saionji's swamp flower)
Saionji: OOOH, I HATE THAT SPORK!!
UTENA: Fine. Now give me Himemiya!
Saionji: You don't know anything, do you, Utena? Anshi's on vacation this week, so we had to hire a substitute.
UTENA: Really? Who? (Please let it be a big, hunky guy or some sexy chick...)
Saionji: I believe you two are already acquainted. (Points to Jar Jar, who waves sheepishly)
UTENA: ...........................................................(Starts sobbing)
Saionji: This isn't over. We SHALL meet again. (Vanishes)
UTENA: WHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
JAR JAR: Whassa be wrong? (Sniffs) Do meesa offend?

SCENE 3- GUNGAN UNDERWATER CITY
QUI-GON: Now that that's settled, how do we get up to that underwater city?
JAR JAR: Yousa follow me now, okeeday? (Strange yell as he leaps up into the water bubble surrounding the battlefield and starts swimming upwards)
UTENA: (Sniffle) What did I do to deserve this?...
QUI-GON: We'd best follow him.
UTENA: (Fine time to be on vacation, Anshi...) (Puts on automatic breathing device and swims upwards with Qui-Gon)
(The trio swims up into the underwater city and lands in the center square. All other Gungans freak out when they appear)
JAR JAR: So good bein' home!
UTENA: (Gawking at Gungans) And I thought one was bad. I don't think I'm gonna be able to handle THIS!
QUI-GON: It certainly is disturbing.
(A Gungan patrol appears)
CAP'N GUNGAN: Hey you, stoppa deah!
JAR JAR: Oh, hello, cap'n. Meesa back!
CAP'N: No again, Jar Jar. Yousa gonna go see da big boss. Yousa in big doo-doo dis time.
UTENA: You have any idea what they're saying? I'm new at being in English-written fan fics.
QUI-GON: Let's just follow along and see what happens.
(Something zaps Jar Jar)
JAR JAR: How wude.
UTENA: Fer gosh sakes, just speak proper English already! SHEESH!

BOSS NASS: Yousa ain't well come heah, hoomans. (Jaw-spluttering trick)
UTENA: (Wipes Boss Nass drool off of face) Fish slobber. Yummy.
BOSS NASS: Yousa be de ones dat be bringin' da makaneeks.
UTENA: Actually, they're after the Naboo.
BOSS NASS: (While spluttering) Weesa no care about da Naboo!
UTENA: (Wiping Boss Nass drool off again) Why do I sense a repeating joke here?
QUI-GON: We'll leave as soon as possible. Is there a transport we can use?
BOSS NASS: Weesa gonna speed you off, all right. De quickest way to da Naboo is goin' troo... (Smiles evilly) Da planet core. (Clicks teeth)
UTENA: Finally. Qui, let's split before he decides to rain on me again.
QUI-GON: Thank you for your help; we leave in peace.
(They turn to leave, but Jar Jar turns to them)
JAR JAR: They'sa settin' you up. Goin' troo da core; it ain't good stuff.
QUI-GON: Hmmm... We might need a navigator.
UTENA: Ooooh, no. Don't even think it. Oh, no. Don't even-
QUAI-GON: Boss Nass, what is to become of Jar Jar Binks here?
BOSS NASS: Uhhh... He is soon to be... pyoonished.
UTENA: (FINALLY! I'll get him out of my hair.)
QUI-GON: This young lady saved his life. I believe that's what you call a 'life debt.'
UTENA: What?! Qui-Gon, don't even suggest-
QUI-GON: According to your culture, his life belongs to her.
BOSS NASS: BINKS?! Yousa be owin' life to dis'n hooman?
UTENA: No, no, no! It's all a big joke! Really! Ha ha ha! Ah ha ha... oh, no.
BOSS NASS: (Splutters again) Begone wit 'im!
UTENA: (Wiping drool off once again) Oh, St. Peter, why has thou forsaken me?!
QUI-GON: Come on, let's go.
UTENA: (Grumble grumble grouse)
JAR JAR: Oh, no. Meesa stayin'. Better dead here, den dead in da core. Ye Gads! What'm meesa sayin?!

JAR JAR: Where weesa goin'?
QUI-GON: Not to worry. The Force will guide us.
UTENA: You're entitled to your own opinion, but I'd rather rely on the map. Hey, there's an underwater branch of McDonald's coming up!
QUI-GON: Utena, you must calm yourself and be in tune with the Force. You won't realize your full potential until you do.
UTENA: 'Won't realize my full potential?!' I can pull Goddam swords out of people's chests! What do you call that, huh?
QUI-GON: Disturbing.
UTENA: Well, if it wasn't for your toy sword, those duck robots would have made you look like a piece of swiss cheese, buddy. Oh, yeah, one more thing. (YANK)
QUI-GON: YEEEEOWWWWW!!!!
(Suddenly, a big fish starts chasing the submarine)
JAR JAR: Wah-oh!
UTENA: Where are the Photon Torpedos on this thing?!
QUI-GON: Don't worry...
(Fish takes big bite out of back of sub)
JAR JAR: Oh, no! Weesa be gettin' crunched fer sure now!
QUI-GON: Wait for it...
(A huge fish appears and attempts to swallow the smaller one, but the smaller one inflates itself to immense proportions and eats the huge one.)
QUI-GON: Crap. That was my plan.
UTENA: Move over, rag man. (Grabs steering wheel)
JAR JAR: Kin yousa drive a submarine?
UTENA: Haven't got a clue. Hey, what does this button do?
(Hits button, both engines fall off)
UTENA: My bad.
QUI-GON: Use the Force.
UTENA: Oh, where's that lousy 'car wash of doom' when you need it?!
(Suddenly, Utena is sucked inside the submarine and flies out the exhaust valve as two new engines, which attach themselves to the sub and speed it up to the surface, near the Naboo's capital city)
QUI-GON: Well, that works, too.
JAR JAR: Yayy! Weesa saved! Tank you, Utenee!
UTENA: That's UTENA! I-... Oops... I forgot that turning into machines removes all non-organic objects...
QUI-GON: What do you mean? (Looks down where Utena's voice is coming from and goes beet red) Oh, I see.
JAR JAR: Meesa gonna hurl now. (RALPH)
UTENA: Great. First a giant fish splutters on me, then I get turned into a naked engine, and now I have Gungan reguritation on me. What a day.
QUI-GON: Hold on, I'll get some of my spare clothes for you. And while we're at it, would you mind shaving your head?
(Utena starts banging her head against the sub's hull)

CAPTAIN PANAKA: Your Majesty, we must leave immediately!
AMIDALA: Of course. Padme, fetch my 'Pretty Pretty Princess' makeup kit.
PADME: For the love of- why can't you fetch your own makeup kit?!
AMIDALA: Oh, fine. You can carry my 1000 dresses.
PADME: I shoulda kept my mouth shut.
(Suddenly, Bad Lizard Guys appear)
BLG1: So, Queen Amidala, it appears we have caught you.
AMIDALA: Of course you have. I'm not Carmen Sandiego.
BLG2: What? I don't get it.
BLG1: Captain, process them.
BATTLE DROID 1: Take them to camp 4.
BD2: Roger roger.
BD3: Remind me why we hired him again?
BD1: The Trade Federation's an equal opportunity employer.
(Out on the street)
BD3: Hey, I just got the new Star Wars DVD. Wanna see it after patrol duty's over?
BD2: No thanks. No thanks. I'm not into science fiction. I'm not into science fiction.
(Suddenly, Qui-Gon and Utena land on the droids and trash them, Jar Jar trailing behind)
QUI-GON: Your majesty!
AMIDALA: You are the ambassadors sent by the Senate?
UTENA: Just him. I'm just here for- (Looks at Amidala, screen gets fuzzy, Utena gets dreamy) Ooh, I think I'm in looooove....
AMIDALA: Who is this disturbing young lady?
JAR JAR: Sheesa be Utena, me master. An' meesa be Jar Jar Binks, da substitute Wose Bwide.
AMIDALA: Say what now?
QUI-GON: Look, let's just get to Coruscant before anything else happens.
AMIDALA: Fine. Captain Panaka, my handmaiden legion and myself will go to Coruscant, and Governor Whatsisname will stay here. Is that all right?
GOVERNOR: Aww, nuts. I never get to have any fun.
QUI-GON: Where's the nearest hangar for space ships? We need one to get to Coruscant.
UTENA: Pleeeeease tell me you're not coming.
JAR JAR: Of course meesa comin'! Meesa your humble servant! Meesa go where yousa go!
UTENA: Arrrgh. Well, make yourself useful and carry my spork.
JAR JAR: Okee day.
UTENA: Hey, stop picking your teeth with it! It's a sacred weapon!
JAR JAR: Meesa thinkin' is plastic. (Bangs it against wall) See?
UTENA: Mutter mutter mutter
(At the hangar)
QUI-GON: Good, there's some pilots there. We'll need a good one.
PADME: Hello! They're being watched by the Battle Droids.
UTENA: Don't worry, ponytail head can handle 'em with his laser sword. Right, ponytail head?
QUI-GON: Stop calling me that.
BATTLE DROID 4: Halt!
QUI-GON: (Waving his hand) I'm taking these people to Coruscant.
BD4: Where are you taking them?
QUI-GON: (Waving hand again) To Coruscant.
UTENA: I'm sure he saw you wave hello the first time, Qui.
BD4: Coruscant... uhh... Does not compute... uhh... Wait a minute... uhh... You're under arrest.
QUI-GON: I think not. (Slashes robot)
(Utena, Qui-Gon and Captain Panaka start blasting and slashing and sporking Battle Droids before they all jump on an airplane with a pilot)
CID: Hey, git yer %$$^ feet off the upholstery!
UTENA: THAT'S our pilot?! Isn't he supposed to be in some video game?
QUI-GON: Hey, he said he was the best. My problem with his is that he smokes.
CID: This is great! I finally get to go into outer space! Awright, guys, let's get moving! (Pulls goggles down over his eyes)
UTENA: This isn't Digimon. You don't have to do that.
CID: Shaddap! Sit yer ass down an' drink yer goddam TEA!
UTENA: Tea? Oh, this. (SLURP)
(Utena walks into back room, where a lot of droids and Jar Jar are stationed)
JAR JAR: Hello, big boss Utena.
UTENA: Just shut up when I'm around, OK? (Sits down on a conveyor belt and keeps drinking tea)
(The Noobian Transport has cleared the atmosphere and is weaving through the Trade Federation blockade)
CAPTAIN PANAKA: Are you SURE you can steer this thing?!
CID: Hey, I can fly the best damn airship in the world! How hard can it be to fly one little-
(A blast takes out the shield generator)
CID: Oh, SH--!
PANAKA: Launching repair droids.
(In the back room, the conveyor belt starts moving and three droids are sucked up through a tube. Utena doesn't notice that she's moving that way until just before)
UTENA: Wait a minute! I'm not a dr-(ZWIIIP)
JAR JAR: Oh, no! (Pops his head out into space and shoots out long sticky tongue, which wraps itself around Utena's leg, keeping her from drifting off)
UTENA: (Riiight. My hero. Yuck!)
(Droids get blown away except for one, which repairs the shield and disappears back downstairs)
UTENA: (OK, Jar Jar, now would be a good time to pull me back in...)
(Jar Jar is doing so when Utena feels something sharp prick her arm. She turns around to see Saionji in a space suit, his sabre drawn and ready for battle)
SAIONJI: I told you this wasn't over! Now, get inside and we shall duel for the Rose Bride!
UTENA: (A little oxygen WOULD be nice about now. URK!)
(Everyone finally gets inside the ship, and the duel begins)
SAIONJI: You will not win this time! En guarde!
UTENA: "Grant me the..." Never mind. Jar Jar, just give me the spork.
JAR JAR: Okee day! (Tosses Utena the spork. Saionji slaps him hard)
SAIONJI: Silence!
JAR JAR: Owww! Hey, see how YOUSA likes it! (Jar Jar slaps Saionji REALLY hard)
SAIONJI: OWWWWW!!! Stupid Gungan. I oughta-
UTENA: Hey, are we fighting or not?
SAIONJI: Fine. First one to remove the piece of lunar rock from the other is the winner. Let's go!
UTENA: No flower? Oh, I'm so sad. Boo hoo hoo.
(Ferocious battle, music revs up on cue this time)
SAIONJI: Amazing how you were able to last so long in space without air, my dear.
UTENA: The natural chemicals that make my hair pink also let me hold my breath longer. Impressed?
AMIDALA: What's going on here?
QUI-GON: Shhh! It's a battle for keeping Jar Jar.
AMIDALA: Why would ANYONE want to keep HIM?
(QUI-GON whispers in Amidala's ear)
AMIDALA: Oh. OH.
(More ferocious fighting)
SAIONJI: Would you die to protect your moon rock?
UTENA: Maybe. What about you?
(More ferocious fighting)
SAIONJI: Give it up, Utena. You're just a girl. You can't win against me.
UTENA: Girls may be inferior in some places, but there's still one place where we reign supreme.
SAIONJI: (Smirks) And what would that be?
(Utena kicks him right where it counts, and while he's lying on the floor cussing she shovels off the lunar rock with her spork)
UTENA: I win. Again.
SAIONJI: (In chipmunk-style voice) Curse you, Utena Tenjou! I'll be back! (Quickly slips on space suit and flies out airlock; everyone walks back into cockpit)
CID: What the hell was that all about?!
QUI-GON: Just giving the anime fans what they want.
UTENA: Hey, watch out for the!
CID: Watch out for the what, kid?
UTENA: THE! THE!!!
CID: She's talkin' crazy.
QUI-GON: No, she isn't.
(The ship crashes into the 'THE' from the opening floating words and goes careening down towards desert planet Tatooine)
EVERYONE BUT UTENA: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
UTENA: Oh, don't be such babies.

SCENE 5- TATTOOINE
(The Noobian Transport gets pulled into Tattooine's gravitational field and crash lands in the desert)
UTENA: What a ride! Can we do it again?
EVERYONE: NO!
UTENA: Awww.
QUI-GON: We'd best start looking for a town to see if they have any parts we can fix the ship with.
CID: The goddam engine's shot. No way we're liftin' off any time soon.
PANAKA: By the way, we should thank the droid that fixed the shield generator.
DROID: Beep!
AMIDALA: What's it's number?
PANAKA: R2D2.
AMIDALA: Fine. R2D2, I grant you passage to the order of The Knights Of Naboo.
R2D2: Beep beep. (TRANSLATION: What the hell am I supposed to do with that?! I'm a %$%#% DROID!)
PANAKA: Err... He said "thank you."
UTENA: Hey, a trash can! (Stomps on R2D2's front foot to make his head open, then throws a candy bar wrapper into the hole. R2D2 angrily spits it out and Jar Jar eats it)
CID: Here's something: Moss Espa, only about a kilometer from here.
QUI-GON: Splendid. I shall go and investigate it. Don't send any transmissions.
UTENA: Me too! I wanna go!
JAR JAR: If yousa goin', meesa goin'.
UTENA: $#$^$##$#
(Outside the spacecraft, as Qui-Gon, Utena, Jar Jar and R2D2 trek towards the city)
PANAKA: Waiiiit! Her highness wishes that you take her handmaiden with you.
PADME: Pleeeeease?
UTENA: (Blushing) Oh, let her come, Qui! C'mon!
QUI-GON: No. (YANK) OWWW!!! Awright already! She can come. But it's not a good idea.
UTENA: Hi! I'm Utena Tenjou.
PADME: ...And I'm straight, thank you very much. (Keeps walking)
UTENA: Oh, THAT was nice.
(In Moss Espa)
UTENA: This place is a dump.
JAR JAR: Meesa no likin' dis place. We be cwoosin' fer a bwoosin'.
R2D2: Beep.
PADME: We ought to find a place where we can get pieces to fix the ship.
QUI-GON: Now, where could a place like that be?
(A shop behind them has a huge neon sign that says PIECES TO FIX YOUR SHIP.)
QUI-GON: Ask a silly question...
(The group enters the store and Watto flaps over to greet them)
WATTO: Eh heh heh... Hello. How can I help you?
UTENA: Damn, there's big mosquitos in these parts! (Pulls out a giant flyswatter and whacks Watto)
WATTO: OWWWW!!! What-a was DAT for?!
QUI-GON: Sorry. We need parts for a ship. (Shows him a picture)
WATTO: Ohh, Noobian, eh? Well, lemme show ya out back. You'll find-a whatcha need. Boy! Get in here and watch the store. I've got a customer.
(Anakin runs in and hops up on the counter)
QUI-GON: I'm going out back. None of you touch anything... (Looks at Utena) Especially you.
UTENA: Sheesh, why're you yelling at me? Why not the clumsy fish over there?
(Qui-Gon follows Watto out back. Anakin looks at Padme and Utena)
ANAKIN: Are you angels?
UTENA: I beg your pardon?
ANAKIN: I heard 'bout 'em from a starpilot. They're the most beautiful creatures in the universe.
UTENA: Look kid, forget it. I'd only break your heart.
ANAKIN: What? I don't get it.
PADME: (Whispering) Just play along. He probably has a medical condition or something.
UTENA: "Probably?"
(Jar Jar knocks things over)
JAR JAR: Oopsee day!
UTENA: Jeez, you can't go anywhere without makin' a scene, can you?
(Jar Jar activates a pit droid, which starts running wild around the room as Jar Jar tries to catch it)
ANAKIN: Hit the nose, you idiot.
JAR JAR: Oh. (Whacks pit droid in the nose)
PIT DROID: Hey, see how you like it, chum-for-brains! (Hits Jar Jar in the nose. Jar Jar stumbles backwards and lands on his butt)
ANAKIN: Ah ha ha! I got you! You actually have to kick it in the sweet spot.
PADME: No problem. (Kicks the droid hard in the sweet spot; droid crumples up and waddles away)
UTENA: Well, you do know a lot about machinery.
ANAKIN: Well, I've been around machinery for a long time.
PADME: You're a bit young to be working, aren't you?
ANAKIN: Work?! You're new around here, aren't you? I'm not getting payed for this.
PADME: ...You're a slave?
ANAKIN: I'm a PERSON, and my name is Anakin.
UTENA: You didn't answer the question, kiddo. Ahh, this is boring me. I'm gonna see what Qui-Gon and R2D2 are up to with the big skeeter.
(Utena walks out back to see Qui-Gon and Watto bargaining)
WATTO: Replublic credits? I need something a little more solid.
QUI-GON: (Waving his hand) Credits will do fine.
WATTO: No, they won't.
QUI-GON: (Waving his hand again, slightly irritated) Credits WILL do fine.
WATTO: No, they WON'T!
UTENA: (Starts poking Watto with her spork) Lissen, ya overgrown dragonfly, credits are gonna do JUST FINE!... What ARE credits, anyway, Qui?
QUI-GON: Stop calling me that.
WATTO: Those that jab me with sporks have no business here. Get out!
QUI-GON: Fine. We're leaving.
(Walks back inside, where Jar Jar is knocking things over again)
UTENA: Hey, Reject Rose Bride! We're moving out!
JAR JAR: Okee day! (Walks outside to wait)
PADME: Well, we're going now. It was nice to meet you, Anakin. (Winks at him)
ANAKIN: Ah ha ha...
UTENA: You like little boys?! You're sicker than me, sister!
(On the walk back towards the ship, Jar Jar tries to eat something and ralphs it all over Sebulba)
SEBULBA: Is this yours?!
JAR JAR: Meesa-GURK
PADME: Hey, that weird thing is strangling Jar Jar.
UTENA: Good for him. Now THAT'S what I call being a productive member of society.
(Anakin breaks up the fight and helps Jar Jar up)
UTENA: Aww, just when they were getting to the good part!
ANAKIN: Your friend here was about to get turned into orange goo by a nasty Dug named Sebulba.
JAR JAR: Meesa no like gettin' crunched...
UTENA: Yeah? Well, MEESA like it when ya's gettin' crunched, Jar Jar.
(Suddenly, a sand storm whips up)
ANAKIN: Oh, crap! C'mon, I'll take you all to my house.
PADME: See? The old wink gets 'em every time!
UTENA: Don't even TALK to me.
(The group arrived at Anakin's and Anakin rushes off with Padme to the bedroom)
QUI-GON: Your son was nice enough to offer us shelter, Anakin's Mom.
SHMI: My name's Shmi.
UTENA: Really? Is Cap'n Hook anywhere nearby? AH HA HA!!!
SHMI: I am SO SICK of hearing that joke. The next one of ya to crack one gets fed to my pet Rankor.
JAR JAR: Where'd Anny-kinn an' Patty May go?
UTENA: That's Anakin and Padme, and you don't wanna know... But I'm gonna go catch 'em in the act!
(Utena charges into Anakin's room and gawks at the fact that Anakin is just showing Padme and R2D2 his robot)
UTENA: Awww, maaaan!
PADME: What did you expect? Sheesh.
ANAKIN: See? He's a service droid. Lemme turn him on.
(Anakin switches on the robot)
BENDER: Hey- what? Where the hell am I?
UTENA: Is he supposed to cuss?
BENDER: Yo, Anny, my main man! (They high-five, then Bender lights up a cigar)
PADME: (Hack hack) Ughh, the smoke is getting on my nerves.
BENDER: Hey, bite my shiny, metal ass, lady.
ANAKIN: Errr, maybe it was a mistake to turn him on.
BENDER: Hey, you want a piece of me? C'mon, I'll take you on! Go Bender! Go Bender!
PADME: Naaaah. (Turns ON switch on Bender to OFF, Bender turns off)
UTENA: Well, that was informative. I never knew robots could be such jerks.
ANAKIN: I still need to work on removing his attitude chip. It came implanted in his head.
UTENA: Oi...
ANAKIN: But I did ask if you were an angel. Are you?
UTENA: Ummmm... Well, I slept with Satan. Does that count?
ANAKIN: Oi...
(At dinner)
UTENA: So, are there any other joints we can find parts for the ship?
SHMI: Not around here there aren't. Watto's the only shop in town.
PADME: I bet he's got a weakness.
SHMI: Gambling, just like everyone else. They all bet lots of junk on the podraces.
UTENA: Podraces? That sounds like fun. What's it like?
SHMI: Imagine sitting in a cardboard box being dragged around by two cheetahs on a frictionless inclined plane.
UTENA: COOL!
SHMI: Sheesh.
(Jar Jar's tongue flies out to grab a piece of fruit, but Utena jams her spork into it and secures it to the table)
UTENA: I warned you.
JAR JAR: No oosa dihn't!
QUI-GON: Perhaps if we gambled on a podrace, we could get the parts we need.
ANAKIN: I could help!
SHMI: No, Annie. I die every time Watto makes you do it.
ANAKIN: Aww, shaddap, ma. As I remember, the paramedics resuscitate you every time.
SHMI: Agh...
UTENA: Hey, I'll help too! I wanna try racing!
ANAKIN: There's a Boonta Eve race coming up. If you enter me in the competition, I could try to win it.
BENDER: What're you gonna do without a pod? You totally trashed the last one.
ANAKIN: Who turned you back on?!
(Meanwhile, on Coruscant, Lord Sidious, Darth Maul and a third person walk by a lot of buildings)
MAUL: Tatooine is sparsely populated, master. It should be easy to locate them.
SIDIOUS: Excellent. I trust you'll be able to handle them yourself?
MAUL: At last we shall reveal ourselves to the Jedi. Soon we shall have our revenge.
SIDIOUS: You have been trained well, my young apprentice. They will be no match for you.
THIRD PERSON: I will help you in whatever ways possible. And when the time comes, I ask that you leave Utena to me.
SIDIOUS: Fine. Just make sure you both get rid of them.
MAUL/THIRD PERSON: Of course, sir.

SCENE 6- GETTIN' READY FOR THE RACE
(The next day, everyone's outside helping Anakin build his super-pod)
ANAKIN: This pod's gonna be super-fast and super strong!
UTENA: I notice you put two seats in.
ANAKIN: That's for when I'm older and I have a date.
UTENA: Oh, good grief.
JAR JAR: Weesa gonna help fixit, ya?
ANAKIN: Go for it, fish guy.
UTENA: I guess I'll help, too.
ANAKIN: OK. Get on that roller thing and get under the ship with this wrench and tighten some nuts.
UTENA: OK... (Slides under pod and gets to work. Anakin hops down and peers under) HEY!!! Get outta here, or I'll have to tighten more nuts than there are under this crate!
(Anakin scurries back up into the cockpit)
PADME: What a dirty little boy.
SHMI: That's what all teenagers do, especially to girls with fishman companions.
ANAKIN: Jar Jar, quit eating the screws!
JAR JAR: Ohh, but deysa sooo tasty!
QUI-GON: He's very strong with the Force. He can see things before the happen. That's why he's such a good podracer. Who was his dad?
SHMI: There wasn't one.
PADME: I see... Another 'Scarlet Letter' case here.
SHMI: No, no, no! He just popped out one day and I've been caring for him ever since.
PADME: Well, I hope you were given notice...
QUI-GON: Like about 9 months' advance notice.
SHMI: Look, he's a miracle, OK? You want me to just come out and say it?
UTENA: OK, that's the last nut... (POP) AIYEEEEE!!! There's oil leaking into my eye!
JAR JAR: Oops. Meesa shouldn't be eatin' screws offa de impotant pahts o' de ship, meesa thinks?
ANAKIN: Gee, where ever did you get that idea?
UTENA: We need some more help over here! Why can't you help, Qui?
QUI-GON:...And mess up these robes? I paid good money for these.
UTENA: And I thought I was vain...
SHMI: Bender, would you go and help them?
BENDER: Hell no! What do I look like, a tool?!
SHMI: (Rolls her eyes) If you do, I'll get a case of that beer you like.
BENDER: Look out, folks! Bender's comin' to town! (Starts bending things for the pod)
(After many hours of sweating and toil)
ANAKIN: All right, let's see if it works!
(Engine doesn't start)
ANAKIN: Aww, c'mon!
(Engine still won't start)
JAR JAR: Mebbey issa broken.
ANAKIN: It can't be broken! I just put a down-payment on it! ARRRGH!
UTENA: Let me try, Anakin.
(Utena gets into the cockpit and turns the key. Still nothing. She pulls out her spork and threatens the machine with it and the engine starts right away)
UTENA: It's working!
(Pod flies backwards and crashes through a wall)
UTENA: Whoops. Had the silly thing in reverse.
JAR JAR: Utena, issa ya okee-day?
(Pod zips forward and knocks Jar Jar 30 feet into the air before stopping. Jar Jar crashes down in the sand nearby)
UTENA: NOW I'm OK.

WATTO: Now what-a ya want?
QUI-GON: I'm gonna wager my ship for the parts I need to fix it that Anakin wins. Deal?
WATTO: Sure. Whatever.
QUI-GON: Oh, come on. Surely you can act with more enthusiasm than that. Look at your lines for once.
WATTO: (Fishes out script and looks it over) Aha. OK. DEAL!
(The two slap hands; meanwhile, outside the shop, a blue-haired boy with womanly eyes observes them. He's holding a stopwatch.)
WOMANLY-EYED MAN: So, I've tracked you to the right place... Now I'll fight you and win the Rose Bride back. Of course, I'll do it after the race. I LOVE races. (Clicks the stopwatch a few times)
COP: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
WOMANLY-EYED MAN: What? What did I do?
COP: You've exceeded the stopwatch-clicking limit. Now get out of here before I hit you with this cosh.
WOMANLY-EYED MAN: Awright, I'm going already! Sheesh, some people...

QUI-GON: That's a pretty mean wound you've got there, Anakin.
ANAKIN: Yeah, I know.
QUI-GON: Here, lemme check it for infections. (Pulls out a metal thing and cleans the wound with it)
SHMI: Bed time, Annie!
ANAKIN: G'night, guys.
SHMI: Beer time, Bender!
BENDER: Make way for Bender!
UTENA: What a weird bunch of people in this world. Hey, what're you doing?
QUI-GON: Analyzing this blood sample with a medichlorian count. WOAH!
UTENA: What? What's wrong?
QUI-GON: First of all, the readings are off the scale; not even Master Yoda has this many medichlorians. Secondly, the blood cells are spelling out 'Instant Winner.'
UTENA: What did you win?
QUI-GON: (Observing the analysis again) A corvette.
UTENA: COOL!
(Meanwhile at the ship...)
PANAKA: Who else is bored out of their skulls?
AMIDALA: Yo.
CID: Anyone got any cards? We could play poker.

WATTO: That ship's gonna be mine by sundown!
QUI-GON: You seem quite sure of yourself.
WATTO: I'm betting heavily on Sebulba.
QUI-GON: Who?
UTENA: The brown dude over there that eats with his toes.
QUI-GON: Well, I'll take that bet. I'll wager the pod against... oh... the boy.
WATTO: Well, I do happen to have a chance cube here. Blue, it's the boy, red, my week-old chicken dinner.
QUI-GON: Well, that one came out of left field, didn't it?
(Watto throws the cube. Utena sneezes and knocks the side from red to blue)
WATTO: WHAT?!
QUI-GON: You can't blame me.
JAR JAR: Mebbey yousa gettin' dat sneeze looked at, Utena.
UTENA: (SNORT) Yeah, maybe.
ANAKIN: Utena!
UTENA: What is it, shorty?
ANAKIN: Would you like to ride in the pod with me?
UTENA: Not really.
ANAKIN: Would you like to ride in the pod, period?
UTENA: NOW you've got my attention. Let's go!
PADME: Rats. I wanted to.
UTENA: Maybe next time, paddy-cake.
PADME: DON'T call me that.

TWO-HEADED ANNOUNCER GUY: Well, we certainly have a lot of contestants today in the Boonta Eve races. Let's see who we've got, shall we? Our first contestant is... Barney, from the PBS system!
BARNEY: I love you! (Waves, crowd gags simultaneously)
ANNOUNCER: Next up is Pac-Man, from the Namco system!
PAC-MAN: (Gnashes teeth up and down; applause from audience)
ANNOUNCER: Another racer from the Namco system is... Leon! The first racer to race this course that's already dead before the race even starts!
LEON: Uhhhhhhhhh...
ANNOUNCER: Here's another racer from the Denmark system! Lego Man!
(Lego Man waves, his arms moving up and down like a machine. Scattered applause)
ANNOUNCER: Here's Overdrive Ostrich from the Dynamo system, one of the only racers we've ever had that isn't using a podracer!
OVERDRIVE OSTRICH: B'kraaaaahhhh!!!
ANNOUNCER: Now from the Elysium System, here's Servbot!
SERVBOT: Hello! Thank you Miss Tron for building me this racer!
ANNOUNCER: And another racer from the Toei system...
(Audience boos)
ANNOUNCER: Sailor Uranus!
(Audience cheers)
ANNOUNCER: Next up is a twin pod, holding young Anakin Skywalker and some pink-haired bisexual chick.
(Silence)
UTENA: The nerve. You think at least one person could cheer.
JAR JAR: Yaaaaaayyyy, Uteneee!!!
UTENA: Let me rephrase that...
ANNOUNCER: And finally, everyone's favorite (except the other racers')... SEBULBA!!!
(Audience goes wild)

PHILIA: This should be an interesting race.
RUTEE: GO, LEON! GO FOR IT, DEAD LIL' BRO!
STAHN: Of all the people to race for our system, it had to be a zombie. Sheesh.

LUNA: Oh, I'm so happy you came with me to see the races, Alex!
ALEX: (Last time I let you take me somewhere like this... This drink isn't even cold.)
NALL: This fish-sickle isn't all that good, but I like it anyway.
NASH: Well, you commoners may enjoy watching races, but I shall be attending to a more important matter. (Pulls out a mirror and starts teasing his eyebrows)

SAILOR MOON: Well, I'm not a big fan of races, but the food's great! Want another Jawa leg, Tuxie?
TUXEDO MASK: No. And don't call me "Tuxie."
SAILOR NEPTUNE: YAY! I LOVE YOU, URANUS!~
SAILOR MOON: Yeah, yeah, we all know. Now sit down and eat your Bantha testicles.

ROLL: That Servbot's gonna lose big time.
TRON: It will NOT! I spent a long time designing that pod!
ROLL: (Makes symbol) Loser.
TRON: You lousy little... Get her, Megaman!
ROLL: No, Megaman, get HER!
MEGAMAN: Sheesh. (Ignores both of them and keeps eating his popcorn)

IRIS: Remind me why we're here again?
ZERO: To show support for a fellow Reploid.
IRIS: But he's a Maverick.
ZERO: So what?
IRIS: Good point. Let's ignore the race and make out.
ZERO: Sounds like a plan. (They grab each other, fade to black)

BRAIN: This is my best plan yet, Pinky! We'll set up this huge wad of flypaper on the track and catch the lead racer when he comes by!
PINKY: NARF! Egad Brain, brilliant! Oh, wait, no... The pods fly.
BRAIN: ............

ANNOUNCER: Now, start your engines, pods!
WOMANLY-EYED MAN: Well now, this is an unseen turn of events. Very well. After the race is through, Utena, you're mine.
ANNOUNCER: And now for our esteemed leader, Jabba the Hutt!
JABBA: (Says something in some weird language that no one understands, but they applaud anyway)
ANNOUNCER: 3, 2, 1, GO!
(All pods start up and fly off down the track)
JAR JAR: C'mon, Utenee!!!
QUI-GON: 20 bucks on Uranus.
PADME: Aren't we supposed to be rooting for the pink-haired chick?

BARNEY: Awww, that rock up ahead looks sooo lonely. I'm gonna give it a hug! (CRASH!!!)

NELSON: Ha-hah!

UTENA: Good, we're down one competitor.
ANAKIN: But there's still 7 others.
UTENA: Oh, sure, rain on my parade.
ANAKIN: Couldn't you have sat in the back? I'm having a hell of a time driving with your hair blowing in my face.
UTENA: Just pretend it's cotton candy or something! (CHOMP) I SAID 'PRETEND!!!!'

ANNOUNCER: And here go the contestants off the huge descent that drops down to the next part of the race. Whoops! Looks like Overdrive Ostrich just remembered that he can't fly. Down he goes!
OVERDRIVE OSTRICH: KWAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! (Maverick Explosion sequence)
ZERO: Look, Overdrive lost.
IRIS: Does it matter? Get your tongue back in here... (Seizes Zero again)

ANNOUNCER: Well, it looks like Servbot has a lead in this race right now...
TRON: See? I TOLD you it was good!
ROLL: LOSER.
ANNOUNCER: Ho! And it looks like he's just about to pass Pac-Man! Wait, Pac-Man is moving towards Servbot!
(Pac-Man swallows Servbot and his whole craft)
ANNOUNCER: Whoops. Looks like Pac-Man will be passing Servbot... in about 4 hours. Yucko!
(Pac-Man chokes on part of the machine and drops dead)
ANNOUNCER: Maybe not.
TRON: NOOOOOO!!!! (SOB)
ROLL: I told you. The one who's right gets a kiss from Megaman.
MEGAMAN: Not after I saw you gulp down that whole slab of pickled Tantan, you won't.

ANNOUNCER: Looks like the racers are entering Nightmare Canyon, where anything can happen. Lego Man is slowly but surely making a lead on Sebulba... Wait a minute!
(Suddenly, a huge Lego Brick Remover appears and disconnects all the Legos on Lego Man's pod, causing it to fall apart)
ANNOUNCER: Well, so much for him. Next racer, please!

SAILOR NEPTUNE: Uranus is gaining on Sebulba! GO, URANUS! I LOVE YOUUUUU!~
SAILOR MOON: Hey, what's that walking across the track down there?
(Chibiusa is walking across the podracing track. Uranus hits her; she explodes and pink sugar dust floods the air; Uranus stamps a third black chibiusa-shaped stamp on the side of her pod)
TUXEDO MASK: Well, so much for that. Wait, that impact has started to destabilize her engines. They're breaking apart! She's gonna crash!
SAILOR MOON: Her pod will, but she won't. (Starts to concentrate hard)
LUNA: Isn't this exciting, Alex?
ALEX: Yeah, yeah, sure. (I'd rather be off killing things.)
NASH: Ah, another eyelash masterpiece! I- (Vanishes and Uranus appears in his place)
URANUS: What the hell?!
NEPTUNE: Yayyy! You're OK! (Kiss kiss kiss)
URANIS: Nep, not in front of the audience!
LUNA: Ummm, where did Nash go?
ANNOUNCER: It's amazing, folks! Uranus's craft is barreling out of control, but she has vanished. Instead, a weird guy with even weirder eyelashes has appeared where she was!
NASH: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! (CRASH!!!!)
ANNOUNCER: Oh, that was a disappointment. Looks like the craft hit a mountainside.
NASH: Ughhh... I've got glass in my pants.
UTENA: That was just weird.
ANAKIN: You're telling me.

ANNOUNCER: Well, there's only three racers left, folks! And it looks like Sebulba's in the lead, followed by Leon and Anakin.
UTENA: Hey, what about me?!
ANNOUNCER: Fine. And the pink chick, too. Wait! Leon seems to be making a move! He's now neck-and-neck with Sebulba!
RUTEE: YAY, LEON!!!
STAHN: What's he got that I ain't got?
PHILIA: Worms in his hair and a corpselike smell around him.
STAHN: Well, when you put it that way...
PHILIA: Lemme put it in another way. (French-kisses Stahn)
RUTEE: GO, LEON! GO- Hey, what's the big idea?!
STAHN: (Sputter, splutter)
PHILIA: Sorry. Curiosity got the best of me.
(Suddenly, A huge gun pops out of the side of Sebulba's craft and torhces Leon's vessel; he veers off course and smashes into the canyon wall)
ANNOUNCER: Oh, what an upset! Is he OK?
(Leon crawls out of the wreckage)
LEON: Unnnnhhhhhhhh.....
ANNOUNCER: HE'S OKAY! LEON IS OKAY!!!
(Anakin's pod flies over and decapitates Leon)
ANNOUNCER: HE'S NOT OKAY! LEON IS NOT OKAY!!!
RUTEE: Oh, well. I knew the pink-haired chick would do better anyway.
STAHN: I'm sure he's much happier now.
PHILIA: I know I am. (Frenches Stahn again)
RUTEE: You want a Maelstrom to the head, Philia?!

ANNOUNCER: Looks like Anakin and Sebulba are neck and neck! They're really going at it!
UTENA: We aren't gaining any ground, and the finish line's just miles away. Anakin, can you get this thing higher off the ground?
ANAKIN: I'll try. Usually I need something to bounce off of to get altitude...
(The pod hits a Jawa and bounces high up)
UTENA: That'll do. (Utena jumps up and jabs Sebulba with her spork, making him lose control and crash)

CARTMAN: Aww, this race sucks.
KYLE: I wish something would happen.
(A piece of shrapnel flies over from Sebulba's ship and decapitates Kenny)
STAN: Interesting enough for you?
CARTMAN: Oh my God! You killed Kenny! YOU BASTARDS!
(Crowd roars as Utena and Anakin cross the finish line)
QUI-GON: Well, that turned out rather well.
PADME: ZZZZZZ... What? Did I miss anything?
JAR JAR: YAYYY!!! Utenee won! Yayyyy!!!
UTENA: Great. Now it's a bittersweet victory.

WATTO: You knew the boy was going to win, and somehow you knew it!
QUI-GON: Are you reading your lines lately? That didn't make much sense.
WATTO: Hey, don't complain to me. This was in the script. Fine, take the boy and your parts.

ANAKIN: Yay, we sold the pod! Look at all the cash!
UTENA: Yep, it all goes to Shmi for all her hard work and support. (Slips a $10 bill under her uniform)
QUI-GON: You've also been freed. Come along with us. I'll take you to Coruscant.
ANAKIN: I guess I could go... but what about Mom?
SHMI: My place is here, with the sand and the dunes and... Bender.
(Bender can be heard in the kitchen gulping down cans of beer)
ANAKIN: Huh. Oh, well. Besides, why should I be sad? I've got a Jedi to protect me and two hot chicks to hang with.
UTENA: You are a shameless little nut, you know that?!
SHMI: I'll keep your room just the same until you get back. Just make sure you send postcards, OK?
JAR JAR: Now where weesa goin'?
UTENA: Somewhere where your kind can't reproduce, hopefully.

ANAKIN: Qui-Gonnnn, my feet hurt.
QUI-GON: Uh-oh. Get down, Anakin!
(Anakin ducks as Darth Maul flies in on a hoverbike and draws his lightsaber. The two warriors begin attacking ferociously)
UTENA: Qui-Gon!
???: Not so fast, Utena.
(A huge, magical firewall appears and surrounds Utena and her assailant)
UTENA: Who's there?! Miki!
MIKI: Indeed. We never did get to finish our duel back in the other world, did we? Well, now we can have it out here. The first person to lose their piece of shrapnel loses. (Tosses Utena a jagged piece of metal, Utena dodges it as it flies her way)
UTENA: Hey, I don't have metal hands! Watch where you're throwing that thing!
MIKI: Sorry. Now, let us fight for the Rose Bride!
UTENA: Rose Bride? Hey, you haven't seen Anshi's substitute yet, have you?
MIKI: No. Why should that influence anything?
(Utena motions towards Jar Jar Binks)
MIKI: THAT'S the replacement?! Ugh. Oh, well. My contract says to duel, so I'm gonna earn my pay. En guarde!
UTENA: You'll be sorry! Jar Jar, Padme, Anakin, get to the ship and tell 'em to take off!
PADME: Sure, whatever.
(The others run to the ship and hop in)
ANAKIN: Utena says to take off.
CID: Who the hell is this?!
PADME: Utena says to take off.
CID: Aye aye, ma'am. (Ship takes off and hovers towards Qui-Gon and Utena)
MIKI: You shan't win this time, Utena! HYAH!
(More dramatic music)
UTENA: Saionji lost to the Spork of Dios. What makes you think you can win?
MIKI: I don't. I'm just fighting you 'cuz the script says so. I'd much rather be in school studying to be a mathematician, but-
UTENA: Awright, I get your point!
(More dramatic music and fighting)
UTENA: Your swordsmanship has improved, blue boy!
MIKI: You never got to see it before. How could you say it had improved?
UTENA: It's a figure of speech, Mouseketeer.
MIKI: DON'T CALL ME THAT!!!
NOTE: "Mouseketeer" is what everyone at the school called Miki to bug him. He really hates it.
(Miki furiously slashes at Utena's shrapnel and hits it, but it doesn't come off all the way)
UTENA: Whoo! That was close. Hey, Qui-Gon! How're ya holdin' up?
QUI-GON: (Dodges a lightsaber slash to his head) Just peachy.
UTENA: Here comes the ship! Jump, Qui!
(Qui-Gon does an amazing leap onto the deck of the ship. The ship heads for Utena next)
UTENA: I'd love to stay and chat, but here's my ride. See ya! Oh, by the way-
(Utena pulls out a huge cartoon magnet and pulls the shrapnel piece clean off of Miki, along with his stopwatch. She then tosses the magnet down and hops onto the ship)
MIKI: Ah, well. I don't think I'd want that Gungan anyway.
UTENA: How'd you know he was a Gungan?
MIKI: It was just a guess.
(Darth Maul growls in frustration as the ship ascends into space)
MIKI: I hear you, bro. I hear you.

UTENA: (PANT PANT) Well, that was interesting. Who was the tattooed guy you were fighting?
QUI-GON: (WHEEZE) Hell if I know. Man, I'm getting to old for this.
ANAKIN: Are you guys OK?!
UTENA: Sure, sure.
QUI-GON: Anakin Skywalker, meet Utena Tenjou.
ANAKIN: Hi! Are you a Jedi, too?
UTENA: We already know each other. What's with this?
QUI-GON: Sorry. Says here in the script that you're an understudy for some other characters.
UTENA: What exactly is our budget for this movie?!
QUI-GON: We spent it all on lunch yesterday.
UTENA: Argh.
CID: Hold on to yer shorts, an' don't piss in 'em!
(Ship goes to super-warp speed and vanishes)

SCENE 9- CORUSCANT
(The ship flies through space; Anakin huddles in a corner while the rest of the crew sleeps or does other stuff)
JAR JAR: ZZZZZZZZZ
UTENA: "Dear Mom; how are you? Having a great time killing stuff with a spork. XOXO, Utena." There! Now I just have to find an interstellar mailbox. Oh, hold on a second. My mom's dead. NEVER MIND! (Crumples up letter and tosses it through the paper shredder)
ANAKIN: (SNIFFLE)
UTENA: Huh? What's wrong, kid?
ANAKIN: I'm cold.
UTENA: Hey, we all got problems.
ANAKIN: (SNIFFLE)
UTENA: Oh, fine. (Plops down next to him, and he puts his head on her leg)
ANAKIN: Who were ya writing to?
UTENA: It doesn't matter; I don't know where the heck I am anyway. I may be really close to Earth, or zillions of light-years away from the Ohtori Academy. either way, I'm a looong way from home.
ANAKIN: Farther than me?
UTENA: You'd better believe it, buster.
ANAKIN: I made this for you. (Pulls out a wooden bracelet with intricate carvings) It'll bring you good luck.
UTENA: Hey, this is neat! You could be another Albrecht Dürer someday.
ANAKIN: What?
UTENA: Never mind.

QUI-GON: Looks like Chancellor Vellorum and Senator Palpatine have decided to wait for us.
UTENA: Damn, talk about overpopulation. Not one tree here! Hey, what's that?!
(There's a large, spinning fortress hovering upside-down above the rest of the city)
QUI-GON: That's the Senate.
UTENA: What, is 'spinning, upside-down buildings' the theme for my life or what?! Sheesh.
CID: Awright, we're goin' down. I just hope I remember how to %$^%& parallell park!

PALPATINE: Queen Amidala, it is a pleasure to see that you made it here.
AMIDALA: Of course, Senator Palpatine. We must go to the Senate and plead our case.
QUI-GON: Utena, I'm going to the Jedi Council. Want to come?
UTENA: Why not?

QUI-GON: The Council members may seem a bit odd to you. Try to be polite.
UTENA: Polite?! Of course I'll be polite. 'Polite' is my middle name.
QUI-GON: I thought it was Archibald.
UTENA: Shut up.
(They walk inside the room and Utena looks around. She sees Yoda)
UTENA: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YODA: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
(Utena leaps onto Qui-Gon's back; Yoda leaps onto Mace Windu's face)
QUI-GON: You'll have to forgive Miss Utena. She's a little eccentric.
WINDU: Of course. Get off my face, you old prune! (Shakes Yoda off)
YODA: (PANT PANT) Qui-Gon, what have you to say?
QUI-GON: Firstly, I got attacked by a creepy tattooed guy with a red lightsaber on Tatooine.
WINDU: Hmmm... Sounds like it could be a Sith Warrior.
QUI-GON: Also, I've sensed a disturbance in the force.
WINDU: Around a person?
QUI-GON: A kid.
YODA: Around the pink-haired one, is it?
UTENA: No, he's talking about Anakin.
WINDU: Who?
QUI-GON: I'm getting to that. Let me talk, Utena.
UTENA: You never let me have any fun! (Yanks Qui-Gon's ponytail and stomps out of the room)
QUI-GON: ...What are you clowns laughing at?!
WINDU: Well, she'll never be able to do that to ME. Heh heh heh.

PALPATINE: All right, are we all buckled in? The hover-podium can get quite rickety.
(Utena, Jar Jar, Amidala, Panaka and Palpatine are all in a hover-podium)
VELLORUM: The Senate Meeting will now recognize Senator Palpatine from Naboo.
PALPATINE: Gentlemen of the Senate, I present to you Queen Amidala, who will speak of the problem on her home planet.
AMIDALA: Members of the Senate, I come to you in the gravest of cirumstances... urgh... Somebody make the room stop spinning...
PANAKA: I think her highness is getting floating-podium-sick.
(Amidala ralphs over the side of the podium and it lands on some other delegate)
AMIDALA: (AHEM) Where was I? Oh, yeah. That Trade Federation has invaded my planet.
TRADE FEDERATION DELEGATE: Objection! There is no evidence!
UTENA: Hey, I was there, you big fat lizard!
VELLORUM: The chair does NOT recognize the delegate from the Trade Federation at this time.
(A third hoverpodium hovers down, containing two familiar people)
AKIO: The delegates from the Ohtori school concur with the honorable delegate of the Trade Federation. Perhaps we should send a scout mission?
MR. T: Ah agree wit' da Trade Federation! Ah pity da foo' dat don't agree wit' da Trade Federation!
UTENA: Akio, how'd you get Mr. T to side with you?!
AKIO: That's my little secret.
MR. T: And I also pity da foo' dat don't use 1-800-COLLECT or Title Loans!
JAR JAR: Heesa be a looney.
MR. T: Whatchoo say, foo'?! Say it to MAH FISTS!
(Mr. T leaps down and starts pummeling Jar Jar)
AMIDALA: Errr... I suggest a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Vellorum?
SENATE: YAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!
PALPATINE: (Goodie goodie! Time to move up in the world! I've gotta go put on my black hood and tell the lizard guys.)
UTENA: Hey, only Ohtori duelists abuse the substitute Rose Bride! You must be...
MR. T: Took ya long enough, foo'!
(Mr. T pulls off rubber mask and outfit to reveal that he/she's actually Juri)
JURI: Let's go, girl!
UTENA: I hope you mean that as in 'duel.'
JURI: Whatever.
(The two go bouncing around the senate as angry delegates hurl abuses at Vellorum and call for a vote)
AMIDALA: Dammit Utena, you stole my act!
UTENA: Well, excuuuuuuuuse me!
JURI: Shut up and duel!
UTENA: How'm I supposed to duel? You didn't give me a rose.
JURI: Here, stick this old gum to your shirt; we'll use that. (SQUISH)
UTENA: This is just sad.
JURI: Hey, the school's in debt. We can't blow all our funds on dueling roses.
AKIO: Yeah, the superintendant really got on our case about that!
(More vicious fighting and Japanese music and singing)
JURI: Come now, Utena, you can't keep bounding from one pod to another. You're gonna slip up eventually.
UTENA: Or maybe you will. We're on the pod that Amidala regurgitated on. (Pushes Juri, who slips on the gunk and falls on her butt)
JURI: EWWWW!!!!
UTENA: Ready to give up? (Is about to dig her spork into Juri's gum when Juri kicks her in the stomach, sending her flying backwards)
JURI: Never!
UTENA: That's it! Time to do something weird!
(The floating castle appears above her and a ray of light engulfs her. A phantomy Boss Nass floats down and enters her body with a huge rose picture)
UTENA: OK, I didn't expect that to happen. BBBBBLLLLLBBBRRRRR!!!! (Rattles jaws and spit goes flying everywhere)
JURI: You're right, this is getting creepy.
UTENA: Yousa gonna be goin' down now, Juri! Oh, now meesa even startin' ta talkin' like da Gungans! Curses!
JAR JAR: Not really. Yousa speakin' wit an inferior dialect.
UTENA: Shut up a-yousa face!
JURI: You may talk like someone who just had part of their brain removed, but I shall still pluck victory from you!
UTENA: Yousa be mistaken. BBBBBLLLLLBBBRRRRR!!!! (Spittle flies up and blinds Juri for a moment)
JURI: AAAAGH! I can't see!
UTENA: Too bad. (Knocks Juri's gum off her dress) Meesa win.
AKIO: I guess when she uses a spork she summons a different spirit. Creepy. I wonder who she'd get if she used chopsticks?
UTENA: We'll never find out. Whew! The spirit's gone.
JURI: Curse you, Utena! I'll get you yet! (Vanishes)
UTENA: Ha! I'll always win to protect my Rose Bride!
JAR JAR: Aww, meesa didn't know yousa cared.
UTENA: I don't. You're just Anshi's replacement. (Dreamily) Oooh, Anshiiiii~
PALPATINE: Do they do this all the time?
AMIDALA: 24/7.

PALPATINE: Well, I believe that went rather well.
AMIDALA: Yeah, except when Utena ruined the entire meeting by fighting that Mr. T impersonator.
UTENA: Hey, it was important! Hey, who're you, sad-looking piece of paper?
BILL: I'm just a bill. Just a lil' ol' bill, sittin' on top of capitol hill. It's a long, long road to the capital city, it's a long long wait while I'm sitting in committee, but someday I could be a law...
UTENA: Start singing and I'll stick dynamite down your pants.
BILL: Yes, ma'am.
UTENA: Come on, Jar Jar. We need to go watch Qui-Gon get Anakin sworn in at the Jedi Council.
JAR JAR: Why, miz Utena?
UTENA: Because the script says so. Come on.
AMIDALA: I'm just going to go sit in the waiting room and drink coffee, OK?
PLAPATINE: I'm gonna go disappear for a while, OK?

YODA: How feel you?
ANAKIN: Cold.
YODA: You know, as do I. A draft in here, could there be?
WINDU: I'll get the janitor to look into it.
YODA: Feel you afraid?
ANAKIN: I'm standing in front of a shriveled, old prune guy and a bald dude, and countless other weirdos. What would you think?
WINDU: (Taking notes) "Uses... sarcasm... well."
SOME OTHER JEDI GUY: Your thoughts dwell on your mother.
ANAKIN: No, they don't.
ANOTHER JEDI GUY: I told you you were losing your touch, Reggie!
SOME OTHER JEDI GUY: Oh, shut up, Wally!
YODA: Shut up, both of you! Afraid, are you not?
ANAKIN: Sort of, I guess. What's that got to do with it?
YODA: EVERYTHING!
ANAKIN: Aahh! Don't bug your eyes out like that! THAT'S where the fear's coming from, if you're wondering!
WINDU: The kid's right. You freak me out when you do that, man.
YODA: Sheesh! A critic, everyone is. Criticism leads to bad feeling. Bad feeling leads to stomachache. Stomachache leads to medication. Medication leads to the squirts. Once the squirts have you in its grasp, forever will it dominate your destiny and sitting position.
(Everyone stares)
WINDU: Are we testing the boy or retelling what happened with you and the prune juice last week?
YODA: SHUT UP!!!!

WINDU: The boy is strong with the Force.
QUI-GON: He is to be trained, then?
WINDU: No, he will not be trained.
UTENA: WHAT?!
YODA: Too old and a smartass, is he.
ANAKIN: Hey, YOU'RE the one that started the whole insult chain when you mentioned Windu's third kidney!
YODA: Hey, the boss puppet here, who is? You or me?!
QUI-GON: I think he's the chosen one, and I'm gonna train him!
WINDU: Quit arguing, you guys. Look, the Queen's going back to Naboo, and we need to find out who the tattooed guy was. Just go with her, OK?
QUI-GON: Pshh. Fine.
WINDU: Fine.
QUI-GON: FINE!
WINDU: FINE!!!
(Qui-Gon stomps out with Anakin)
UTENA: Hey! Qui-Gon, don't leave me with the freaks! Wait for me! (Runs out, too)
YODA: Freaks we are NOT!
WINDU: I know you are, but what am I?
YODA: ARRRRRRRRGH!!!

PALPATINE: Good news, Your Majesty! I'm the new Chancellor!
AMIDALA: Really? Really? Really? That's great! That's great! That's great!
PALPATINE: Errr... Your Majesty, just how many cups of coffee did you drink?
AMIDALA: I dunno. I dunno. I dunno. Maybe 12. Maybe 12. Maybe 12.
PANAKA: Your Majesty, the ship's ready to leave for Naboo.
AMIDALA: Coming! (Bounces out of the room on all fours)
PALPATINE: Ah ha ha... Now I can put my black robe on and talk to the lizard men! (Throws black hood on and becomes Dart Sidious)
MAN: Oh, sister, please forgive me, for I have sinned!
SIDIOUS: (Sigh) I get this reaction a lot...

(All five duelists; Saionji, Miki, Juri, Nanami and Touga are riding the elevator up to the main Senate floor)
MIKI: We have to argue our case before the superintendant to get more school funds for buying roses.
JURI: You know it. I had to use gum. Gum, do you hear me?!
SAIONJI: At least I was able to find some sort of a flower.
MIKI: Yeah, a swampwater flower, which you were allergic to.
SAIONJI: Let's not bring that up. (Scratches the huge rash on his chest)
NANAMI: At least you guys get to duel. I haven't done jack squat in this story!
TOUGA: Relax. I'll pull some strings to get you a major role in the next parody.
NANAMI: Unless it's 'Moulin Rouge,' I'm all for it!
(Suddenly, elevator breaks down)
MIKI: What? Uh-oh...
JURI: Great! We're stuck!
TOUGA: (Pressing intercom) Hello? There're five people stuck in an elevator and we want to get out.... Damn, the radio's dead!
SAIONJI: I guess we'll just have to wait for the repair people to fix the elevator. But that could take a while...
NANAMI: Relax! I have a great way to pass the time!
(About an hour later)
DUELISTS: (Dancing around cheerfully) Camptown Races, blah blah blah, doo-dah, doo-dah~
(Two hours later)
DUELISTS: (Dancing around somewhat less gleefully than before) This old man, he played one~
(Four hours later)
(Everyone but Saionji is lying on the ground exhausted, irritated and bored out of their skulls; Saionji is as cheerful as ever and still dancing around)
SAIONJI: Chopsticks and chopsticks and chopsticks and chopsticks and chopsticks and chopsticks and chopsticks~
EVERYONE ELSE: SHUT UP!!!
(Suddenly, the elevator starts up again)
TOUGA: Finally!
NANAMI: Yay!
MIKI: Salvation at last!
JURI: No more chopsticks!
(ELevator shuts down again)
LOUDSPEAKER: The Senate is now closed until tomorrow morning. Good night.
EVERYONE: AAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
SAIONJI: (After a brief period of silence) .........Chopsticks and chopsticks and chopsticks and chopsticks and chopsticks and chopsticks and chopsticks, chop chop~

AMIDALA: We will need to find some of the soldiers we left behind before we can launch a new assault.
PANAKA: I'm sure we can find them somewhere...
PADME: Sure! Sure! Sure! (Bounces up and down)
UTENA: OK, I'm confused. Did Amidala or Padme have 12 cups of coffee?
AMIDALA/PADME: Errrrrrrr....
JAR JAR: Da Gungans have BIG army! Weesa kin' try ta get dim t' help us.
AMIDALA: All right, we'll land in the swamp.
PADME: I gotta pee! I gotta pee! I gotta pee! (Races to the bathroom for the 14th time in an hour)
UTENA: Hmmmm... (Left eyebrow raises)

ANAKIN: Whoo, what a big ol' swamp!
UTENA: Oh, boy. Back in fishman land.
QUI-GON: I thought you liked it here.
(Utena gives Qui-Gon a very evil look)
JAR JAR: Meesa tinks da Gungans go to sacred place. Yousa follow me now, okee day?
UTENA: How long is a Rose Bride's sabbatical, anyway?

BOSS NASS: Jar Jar Binks, yousa be back an' bringin' mo' Naboo? BRRRRRRBRRRRR!!!
UTENA: (Wipes the spit off) ...And history repeats itself.
PADME: I'm pretty sure you've all figured it out by now, but I'm Queen Amidala. Please help us, Boss Nass.
BOSS NASS: Hmmm... Yousa likes dressin' up an' foolin' peoples? Meesa like dis. Maybe weesa... bein' friends. BRRRRRRBRRRRR!!!
UTENA: (Hold up an umbrella) THIS time I came prepared.

PANAKA: All right, we'll all sneak into the city and catch the lizard men while the Gungans keep the Battle Droids busy, OK?
QUI-GON: There is a great chance that many Gungans will be killed in this battle.
BOSS NASS: Weesa ready to do ourson part.
UTENA: (Finally I'll get Jar Jar off my hands!) (Notices Jar Jar following her around) What're you still doing here? Go run and play with the other fishmen.
JAR JAR: Oh, no! Meesa follow you everywhere. Meesa da sub Wose Bwide, wemember?
UTENA: Oh, yeah. I forgot. (SIGH)

UTENA: Man, look at all those Battle Droids! How are we gonna get in?
QUI-GON: I could use the Force and lure them away.
PADME: That would be too non-funny. Let's get some guest stars from the podracing scene to create a diversion while we sneak in the back way.
ANAKIN: Hold it. Are you Padme or Amidala, anyway?
PADME: Take a wild guess, buddy.
AMIDALA: Your Majesty, I and your 700 other decoys are ready to serve you in whatever way possible.
UTENA: 700?! Sheesh, you could just march in with that number...
PADME: Well, I like my idea better.

(DING DONG)
BATTLE DROID 1: I'll get it.
BATTLE DROID 2: Roger Roger.
BATTLE DROID 3: (SIGH)
(BD1 opens the door)
LUNA: Dragon Warrior Scout cookies for sale!
BD1: What?
LUNA: Wanna buy some Dragon Warrior Scout cookies? We've got all kinds of stuff... Thin Mints, Tagalongs, Naboo Samoas...
BD1: Cookies... uh... does not compute... uh... wait a minute... uh... I'll take the whole thing!
THE REST OF THE BATTLE DROID ARMY: (In monotone) YAY. COOKIES.
(After about 5 minutes...)
(DING DONG)
BD1: Who could that be? (Opens door)
JABBA THE HUTT: (Mutters something in some weird language)
BD1: What?
COOKIE MONSTER: Me translate. ME WANT COOKIES!!!
(Jabba and Cookie Monster attack the droids and start wolfing down cookies)
PADME: Well, that was a longer distraction than we needed.
LUNA: Hey, take what you can get. If you'll excuse me... (Leaves)
(The group charges in, blasting droids and the rolling robot things. parts and cookies and parts of cookies fly everywhere)
ANAKIN: I'm gonna go hide in that spaceship, OK?
QUI-GON: Knock yourself out.
(Suddenly, the big door flies open and Darth Maul appears, along with another person by his side)
UTENA: Oh, no... Not you, of all people...
JAR JAR: Heesa you likin' even less den ME?
UTENA: MUCH less.
QUI-GON: Look, it's tattoo man! Amidala or Padme or whoever you are, go down that hallway and fight some more. We'll deal with these guys.
(Anakin's spaceship takes off and flies into space)
UTENA: So much for him. Oh, well.
TOUGA: Nice to see you too, Utena. Let us begin!
UTENA: I'll take on the redhead. You deal with the guy who's had an overdose of paintball.
QUI-GON: Right!
(Darth Maul produces a twin-bladed lightsaber; Touga draws a nasty cutlass; Utena and Qui-Gon grab their usual weapons)
UTENA: You're history, Knuckles!
TOUGA: How dare you compare me to that echidna! Doesn't matter... I'll waste you anyway. First one to lose their stale donut loses. (Tosses Utena a donut)
UTENA: Who writes this stuff, anyway?!

ANSHI: (Sips her tea) Ahh, there's nothing like a picnic to make you enjoy your vacation! It's so quiet and serene...
(The Gungan and Battle Droid armies suddenly appear and start blasting at each other with Anshi caught right in the middle)
ANSHI: (Sips tea again) Yep. Peace and quiet.

TOUGA: The matchmaker that it is, fate has brought us together, Utena. Now fate shall now send you to your doom!
UTENA: You certainly have a flair for the dramatic.
QUI-GON: Quick, lure him into the engine room!
(All four battlers grunt and slash their way into the engine room and keep fighting)

ANAKIN: How the hell do I steer this thing?!
R2D2: Beep beep. (TRANSLATION: Try using the controls, dumbass!)
ANAKIN: Good idea. I'll try barrel rolling!
R2D2: Beep. (TRANSLATION: Mutter mutter mutter...)

PADME: Come on! We have to blast all the droids into blasted bits before we get blasted! Blast away, everyone!
PANAKA: Is that the best you can do, Your Majesty?
PADME: Hey, I lost my thesaurus, OK?!
JAR JAR: Meesa kin help! (Snaps up a droid with his tongue and eats it in one gulp)
PADME: ......................
JAR JAR: Cyberlicious!
PADME: (Hops on Jar Jar's back) Hi-yo, Yoshi! CHARGE!

ANSHI: Oh, dear. It looks like I'm right in the middle of a big fight between fish and robots.
(Droids finall realize the lasers aren't working on the huge shield the Gungans are surrounded by)
BD1: Cease fire!
ANSHI: Oh, it looks like they're stopping!
(The huge tanks dispatch thousands of Battle Droids. They all stand up and simultaneously arm themselves and begin marching towards the Gungans)
ANSHI: Ooh... Ouch time.
BD3: Hey, who's the purple-haired picnicker over there?
BD2: Shall we get her too? Shall we get her too?
BD4: No. Not unless she's holding a lethal weapon.
BD3: Scanners indicate she possesses a horseradish sushi lutefisk sandwich.
BD4: ATTACK!!!
ANSHI: So I'm not a conventional cook. EVERYONE'S a critic. (Gets up and starts to run, about half of the droids following her)

TOUGA: My friends may have fallen to your spork, but I am much too clever to be brought down by a plastic eating utensil! HYAH!
(Barely takes off Utena's head with his sword; she ducks)
UTENA: Hey, watch where you swing that! You could take someone's eye out!
TOUGA: I thought that was the point. HYAH!
(Qui-Gon and Maul are battling their way into a room with a huge pit guarded by laser wall things; Utena hops that way as well, leading Touga towards the room as well)
TOUGA: No matter how far you run, I'll always be there to cut you down to size. Or seduce you. Whichever comes first.
UTENA: You know, in the grand scheme of things, I think you actually would have made a better prince than Dios... But in the short run...
(Slashes at his donut and misses, then leaps over him and strikes from the back)
UTENA: ...I don't really care for either of you! HAIIIYEEE!!!

ANAKIN: How do I steer this thing?! AAAAHHH!!! The Battle Droid ships are coming and I'm heading right for a big craft! Turn, you lousy hunk of yellow mush, TURN!!!
(Anakin yanks on the stick pretty hard and it snaps off)
ANAKIN: Oh, ^$%%$%^!!!
R2D2: Beep beep. (TRANSLATION: You've got mail!)
ANAKIN: A transmission from Naboo? What does it say? (Opens it) Oh, it's just the warranty for the ship. Rats! It's expired. Well, I'll just have to crash into the ship, screaming like a little girl.
(Anakin crashes into the ship and lands in a docking bay, really close to the ship's core)
ANAKIN: Man, what're the odds of this?
BD5: Stop that kid! He interrupted my coffee break!
BD6: Roger roger.
BD7: Oh, not you too.

JAR JAR: Umm, Padmee, kin meesa be stoppin' now? Meesa stomach is hurtin' 'cuz it so full o' makaneeks.
PADME: Shut up and keep eating, you stinkin' fish!
JAR JAR: (Grumble grumble) (Snaps up another Destroyer Droid, and suddenly feels something come out his back end) What did meesa just do?
PADME: You just layed a green-spotted egg.
PANAKA: All right! Ammo! (Picks up the egg and hurls it at a droid, which gets destroyed instantly)
JAR JAR: Whew! Meesa feelin' better.
PADME: Good. Now KEEP EATING!!!

(Anshi runs straight into the heart of the battlefield and gets caught up amongst the droids and Gungans)
ANSHI: Excuse me! Pardon me. Whoops! Sorry! Hey, nice shirt. Gangway!
BD3: Fire!
(One Battle Droid zaps another)
BD1: They're traitors! Blast them all!
BD2: Roger roger! Blast 'em all! Blast 'em all!
(The droids start blasting each other while the Gungans sit back and watch)
GUNGAN 1: Deysa be weird makaneeks.
GUNGAN 2: Sheesa bein' an even weirder hooman.
ANSHI: I'm gonna run and run as fast as I can! You'll never catch me, I'm the Rose Bride... uh... Man!

TOUGA: You are getting weaker... I can feel it. Your physical strength may be weakening, but your body looks just as strong.
UTENA: Well, your senses were never that bright...
(Touga and Utena are battling on the far side of the pit; Maul and Qui-Gon are duelling on the other side)
MAUL: Are you as easily tricked as other Jedi I've killed?
QUI-GON: Not on your life!
MAUL: TOUCHDOWN!
(Qui-Gon lifts his arms in the usual 'touchdown' pose, and Maul impales him)
UTENA: QUI-GON! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
QUI-GON: Didn't... know ya cared....
UTENA: Not really, but I have to follow the script.
MAUL: Your friend is gone... Now it's your turn!
(Maul uses his Force powers to blow Utena into the pit; she barely grabs onto a ledge. One of her shoes falls off)
UTENA: Damn! My shoe!
(Touga picks up her dropped spork and drops it down the hole; Utena catches it with her exposed foot)
UTENA: Damn! My spork!
TOUGA: Now look what you've done, you idiot! I have to get rid of that donut before I win the battle!
MAUL: Fine. I'll get rid of it for you. (Starts slashing at Utena from above)
UTENA: I'm not enjoying this... Hmm... Maybe I can use that 'Force' thing that Qui-Gon was talking about...
(Utena closes her eyes and starts to concentrate very hard. Qui-Gon's lightsaber starts to rattle)
TOUGA: What?...
(Utena leaps out of the pit, grabs the saber and slices Maul into 8 pieces and swishes them all over into the pit. She then pulls her spork out again and aims both weapons at Touga)
TOUGA: That was overkill.
UTENA: Yeah, it was. And THIS is for... uh... Well... SOMETHING!
(Utena charges Touga with the saber, and then suddenly...)
TOUGA: (BEEP BEEP BEEP) Oops! Hold on, I'm being paged. (Pulls out pager and cell phone) Oh, curses! Akio told me to wax his hot rod! I've gotta go! (Dashes off)
UTENA: Hey, what about the donut?!
(Utena ducks as a stale donut flies past her)
UTENA: I guess that means I won. Uh-oh...
(Utena runs over to Qui-Gon and lifts up his top side)
QUI-GON: I'm goin' fast, Utena...
UTENA: Qui-Gon, don't leave me! You're the only person that makes sense around here!
QUI-GON: I hope you find... what you're looking for... Train the boy, Utena... He is the chosen one...
UTENA: What?! HELL NO! I'm not training that little scumbag! Oh, no. No way. Not even a dying wish'll make me stay near that kid any longer than I have to!
QUI-GON: Fine. Get someone else to do it. But I have... one more request...
UTENA: What is it, Qui?
QUI-GON: Cancel... my subscription... to Intergalactic Geographic... and accept... my prize Corvette... when the guy comes around looking for me... (Dies)
UTENA: I get your Corvette? Wow! Suddenly, I'm not sad anymore! ...Aww, who'm I kidding? BWAAAAAAAAAA-HAAAAA-HAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

BAD LIZARD GUYS: Ah ha ha. We captured you somehow.
PADME: Whoopee. Oh, no, I'm so scared.
AMIDALA: Hey, lizard man! I ain't signin' no treaty! (Zaps a Battle Droid; Jar Jar eats some other ones)
BLG1: Hey! This one's a decoy! Go get the other one!
PADME: I don't think so. OK, everyone! Get in here and let's kick ass!
(About 50 Amidala decoys suddenly appear and start clobbering droids left and right)
BLG2: OK, where's the REAL Amidala?
BLG1: In the same place as Waldo, I'd assume.
PADME: Bingo. Now, Viceroy, we shall discuss a NEW treaty.
BILL: Will you be needing me?
EVERYONE: NO!
BILL: Fine. Oh, I'm just a bill, just a lil' ol'-
(Jar Jar eats the bill)
PADME: Ho! I'm gonna take you to a lot of restaurants, buddy!

ANAKIN: Gee, maybe if I hit that core with a blast, this whole thing will blow up.
R2D2: Beep bwoop. (TRANSLATION: Golly, ya THINK?!)
(Anakin blows up the ship and gets blasted out a door)
PILOT: Hey, look! One of ours did it.
PILOT 2: Yeah, but he's just a kid. Let's take all the credit.
ANAKIN: Union pilots. HMPH!
CID: Yeah, that's the way the %#$%#$ cookie crumbles, kid!
ANAKIN: Where'd you come from?!

GUNGAN 1: Hey, da makaneeks is all broked!
ANSHI: Oh, good. Now I can get back to my picnic! (Sits down and starts sipping her tea back where she started, but now there's droid bits littered all over the place)
ANSHI: Yessiree, niiiice and quiet.

ANAKIN: What will happen to me now?
PADME: You're thinking about THAT?! Jeez, you're a greedy little snot.
JAR JAR: Wellsa, Utena, yousa kin pull his ponytail all yousa wantin' now.
UTENA: (SNIFF) Sorry, Jar Jar... the thrill is gone.
WINDU: It was indeed obvious that the mysterious warrior was a Sith... Hey Yoda, where'd you go?!
(Everyone recoils at the sight of Yoda roasting marshmallows over the pyre)
EVERYONE: YODA!!! YUCK!!!
YODA: Hey, nothing for lunch, had I. F---in' hungry am I, so just it you must shove!

CHIEF WIGGAM: Awright, you lizard guys! Into the car with you! You'll burn for this... Burn in jail!
UTENA: Where'd he come from?
PALPATINE: Queen Amidala, I've been elected the new Chancellor.
PADME: Yeah, well, you told us that at Coruscant.
PALPATINE: I see. As for you, Ms. Tenjou... (Pats her shoulder) We shall be watching your progress very closely.
UTENA:What'd he mean by THAT?
PADME: He was coming on to you.
UTENA: Ughhh! (Shudders)
ANSHI: Utenaaaaaaaa!!!!
UTENA: Anshiiiiii!!!
(The two run and hug each other tightly)
PADME: Isn't that cute? They're hugging.
ANAKIN: Yeah, and now they're... using their tongues to... Errr...
JAR JAR: And now deysa... Meesa gonna jes' exquise meself now, okee-day?
PADME/ANAKIN: Wait for us!
(A hooded guy steps off Palpatine's spacecraft)
HOODED GUY: ...Err, I hope I'm not interrupting anything...
UTENA: What? No! Hey, who're you?
OBI-WAN: I am Obi-Wan Kenobi. I am here to train Anakin Skywalker.
UTENA: Woah... (Gets all blushy)
(Utena grabs Anshi on one side and Obi-Wan on the other)
UTENA: I've got a hot chick AND a hot guy... I'VE GOT THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS!!!
AMIDALA: Sheesh.

LUNA: Isn't this great, Alex? A great big parade!
ALEX: (The food here's worse than the podrace... BLECHHHH!!!)
SAILOR MOON: Yummy! This food's even better than at the podrace!
SAILOR NEPTUNE: How about it, Ur? Can we neck now?
SAILOR URANUS: Oh, fine. But only in the girls' room. (The two leave)
CARTMAN: Aww, this parade sucks.
KYLE: I wish something would happen.
(A piece of shrapnel flies over from somewhere and decapitates Kenny)
STAN: Interesting enough for you?
KYLE: Where'd that come from?!
CARTMAN: Oh my God! You killed Kenny! YOU BASTARDS!
SAIONJI: What a joyous event.
MIKI: We may not have won the Rose Bride, but this parade is great! (Clicks stopwatch)
COP: Hey, what did I tell you before?!
MIKI: Dammit! They followed me! Cheese it! (Runs off with cop chasing him)
JURI: Hmmph. You'd never see ME getting chased around like that.
MR. T: Hey, I hear you was impersonatin' Mr. T! Ah pity da foo' dat impersonate Mr. T! Use yer head! Dial 1-800-Collect! An' call Northwest Title Loans! GRRRR!!!!
JURI: Eep! (Runs off with Mr. T chasing her)
NANAMI: Doesn't anyone care how we got out of that elevator?
EVERYONE: No.
NANAMI: Sheesh.
BILL: I hope they vote on me favorably after this parade, otherwise I may die.
CID: Didn't the fish guy eat you already? Hmph. (Jams his cigarette butt into the bill's face; bill ignites and goes screaming into the street)
PADME: Here you go, Boss Nass, to symbolize peace between two great nations. (Hands Boss Nass a lion cub, which he raises to the sun)
PANAKA: No, that's the wrong thing. Here's the real thing. (Hold up weird, glowing orb)
BOSS NASS: Oh. (Eats lion cub and the holds up orb. Then he eats that, too)
PADME: You IDIOT! You weren't supposed to do that!!!
BOSS NASS: Meesa was hoongry. BBBBRRRRBBBRRRR!!!! (Flecks of electrically-charged spit fly out, zapping everyone nearby)
PADME: OW! That's- OW! Why-OW!
PANAKA: I shoulda-OW! Brought an-OW! Umbrella-OW!!!
ANAKIN: Hey, Padme... "Why Don't We Do It In The Road?"
PADME: Sounds like a plan! Let's go! (The two run off)
UTENA: Ahh, I predict those two are going to have a bright future!
YODA: Riiiiight.
ANSHI: Oh, what a cute little wrinkled green pruney guy! C'mere, you!
YODA: No, don't pick me up! Still on puppeteer's hand, am I! AAAHHH!!! (Anshi picks up Yoda, and a hand can be seen sticking up where he was; Yoda is silent and flat now)
ANSHI: Hey... (Waves the puppet around) No one's home.
UTENA: Gimme that. (Jams Yoda back on the hand)
YODA: Don't DO THAT!!!
ANSHI: Sorry. Sheesh.
JAR JAR: Well, meesa lookin' like meesa no longer da sub Wose Bwide... So meesa goin' away an' leavin' you alone.
UTENA: You know, Jar Jar... (Lights dim, happy music starts playing) For an American, computer-animated, slimy, stinky, gangly, weird-voiced two-legged fish thing... you're all right.
JAR JAR: Weally?
UTENA: Psyche! (Kicks Jar Jar in the nads and slugs him in the stomach)
JAR JAR: Oh noooo.... GURK
UTENA: Oh, come on. I was just kidding. You're all right.
(Touga suddenly reappears, coated with smudges of grease and wax) OK, I'm back!
UTENA: Too late, Touga. You lost.
TOUGA: What?!
JAR JAR: Meesa be eatin' yer donut... So yousa losin'. Sahwee.
TOUGA: This isn't over. I'll defeat you some day...
UTENA: Whatever. In the meantime, come and stand with us on the stairs in the big corny-looking ending panorama! OK Everyone! Smile and say 'I'm Sure As Hell Glad This Is All Over!'
(Luna, Alex, Nall, Nash, Jabba the Hutt, Cookie Monster, Boss Nass, Watto, Sebulba, Saionji, Miki, Juri, Nanami, Nelson, Mr. T, Touga, Lego Man, Ms. Tron, Roll, Megaman, Pinky, The Brain, Cid, what's left of the flaming bill, Palpatine, Amidala, Panaka, R2D2, Stahn, Philia, Rutee, what's left of Leon, Zero, Iris, Sailor Moon, Tuxedo Mask, Sailor Uranus, Sailor Pluto, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Anakin, Padme, Obi-Wan, Anshi, Akio, Chief Wiggam, Yoda, Windu, Jar Jar and Utena all get to 'I'm Sure as Hell-' and then...)
COPS: Awright people, that's a wrap! C'mon! Get moving!
(Scenery falls down, workmen start to carry off props; one worker opens up R2D2 and pulls the amputee out)
DIRECTOR: Awright, boys, we're tired of lookin' at ya. Move it! We gotta clear the set for 'Lord of the Rings! You wanna be in another blockbuster, go grow hair on your feet. C'mon, scat!
UTENA: Sheesh, you could've at least waited until we finished the line.
ANSHI: Ahhh, you know how directors are. C'mon, let's go get dinner.
AKIO: We can take my hot rods. I've got enough to seat the whole cast.
QUI-GON: Shotgun!
(The whole cast piles into Akio's hot rod brigade and zip off down the road)
FLAMING BILL: Doesn't anybody want to hear me sing?
WHAT'S LEFT OF LEON: Uhhhh... (Stomps on bill, flames go out)

SCENE 14- OUTTAKES!|
(Utena and Jar Jar are sitting in director's chairs)
JAR JAR: (In a refined, British voice) Good day, gentle folk. I am Jar Jar Binks.
UTENA: And I'm Utena Tenjou, and we're the stars of 'Revolutionary Gungan Jar Jar Binks.'
JAR JAR: During filming, we encountered many... ah... little accidents and mishaps during some of the scenes, which many directors call 'outtakes.'
UTENA: We had reservations about showing them, but the producers talked us into it. So sit back and enjoy 'Revolutionary Gungan Jar Jar Binks Outtakes!' Roll the first clip, please! (Whispering) Jar Jar, I didn't know you talked like that!
JAR JAR: You didn't? Well, I suppose I never really broke from my character during filming. Ah, well. Crumpet?

MIKI: So, I've tracked you to the right place... Now I'll fight you and win the Rose Bride back. Of course, I'll do it after the race. I LOVE races. (Clicks the stopwatch a few times)
COP: There he is, boys! Get him! (An entire battalion of cops appear)
MIKI: Hey! Who said anything about a battalion?!
COP: Let's whup his butt! (They all come down and start beating Miki with their clubs and kicking him when he falls down)
MIKI: Ow! Ow! Hey! OW! This wasn't part of the script! OW! Hey, watch where you're kicking! YEEEOWWW!!!
DIRECTOR: CUT! Knock it off, you guys! This is Moss Espa. not New York!!! Cop, what was that all about?!
COP: Oh, my friends were just in the neighborhood, so I thought...
DIRECTOR: Take 5, everyone! And someone get a stretcher!
MIKI: They plucked out my eyelashes... They plucked out my eyelashes...

JAR JAR: Funny, I don't remember that one.
UTENA: You were out sick that day. OK, next clip!

ANSHI: I'm gonna run and run as fast as I can! You'll never catch me, I'm the Rose Bride... uh... Man!
(Suddenly, a golf ball flies out of nowhere and knocks Anshi over)
GOLFER: Fore!
DIRECTOR: Hey, hey, hey! This is a closed set! The golf course is next door.
BATTLE DROID 1: That shot DID come from next door.
DIRECTOR: Ha! What a lousy shot. Hey, what the- (Ducks as another golf ball flies by and hits his chair)
BATTLE DROID: I believe he heard you.

UTENA: HA HA HA! I'm just glad I wasn't in that shot!
JAR JAR: Likewise. I'm glad they substituted Anshi for me at the last minute. Next clip, please.

BOSS NASS: Ohhh, Meesa no feelin' dat good...
QUI-GON: You should'nt have eaten that many fried eggs this morning. Just try to read your lines.
BOSS NASS: Yousa ain't well come heah, hoomans. (Tries to do jaw-spluttering trick, but he starts hurling puke every which way)
UTENA/QUI-GON: AAAAAAHHHH!!!
BOSS NASS: Meesa goin' to da toilet. Exquise me.
UTENA: Ewwww... (Wipes barf off her suit) What did he eat?! Looks like fried egg and Cocoa Krispies.
QUI-GON: There's Lucky Charms on my robes.

UTENA: I took 6 showers after that and it still didn't help...
JAR JAR: Indeed. You've got a purple horseshoe in your hair. (Snaps it up with his tongue) All gone. Next clip, please.
UTENA: You are one sick fish.

ANNOUNCER: Looks like Anakin and Sebulba are neck and neck! They're really going at it!
UTENA: We aren't gaining any ground, and the finish line's just miles away. Hey, what's that?!
(There's a huge band of Jawas walking across the track up ahead, holding balloons and playing marching band instruments)
ANAKIN: Crap! I forgot that today's the Jawa's Annual Thanksgiving Day Parade! LOOK OUT!!!
(Both pods crash through the parade, blowing up the balloons and sending Jawas flying everywhere)
JAWA: Daydee!
ANAKIN: Are you OK, Utena?!
UTENA: (She has a trumpet stuck in her mouth) Toot~

JAR JAR: Now THAT was funny.
UTENA: Well, not as funny as this next clip. Roll, please!

MAUL: Are you as easily tricked as other Jedi I've killed?
QUI-GON: Not on your life!
(An intern walks in with a tray with drinks)
INTERN: Um, is this studio 16? I've got a tray full of coffee for the actors.
MAUL: No, this is studio 12. Studio 16's THAT way. URRRGH!!!
(Qui-Gon has just impaled Maul. He slumps to the floor)
DIRECTOR: CUT! Qui-Gon, you weren't supposed to do that!
QUI-GON: Well, I like my ending BETTER.
UTENA: I'll take some coffee! (Drinks a cup) Hey, that's pretty smooth stuff! Hit me again!

UTENA: Ah ha ha! That never gets old!
JAR JAR: Well, that doesn't beat the grand finale of our bloopers, and that's right here. Roll the clip, please!

UTENA: Whatever. In the meantime, come and stand with us on the stairs in the big corny-looking ending panorama! OK Everyone! Smile and say 'I'm Sure As Hell Glad This Is All Over!'
(Luna, Alex, Nall, Nash, Jabba the Hutt, Cookie Monster, Boss Nass, Watto, Sebulba, Saionji, Miki, Juri, Nanami, Nelson, Mr. T, Touga, Lego Man, Ms. Tron, Roll, Megaman, Pinky, The Brain, Cid, what's left of the flaming bill, Palpatine, Amidala, Panaka, R2D2, Stahn, Philia, Rutee, what's left of Leon, Zero, Iris, Sailor Moon, Tuxedo Mask, Sailor Uranus, Sailor Pluto, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Anakin, Padme, Obi-Wan, Anshi, Akio, Chief Wiggam, Yoda, Windu, Jar Jar and Utena all get to 'I'm Sure as Hell-' and then...)
YODA: Hey, what's this big red button do?
(There's a huge red button on the ground. Yoda bends over to press it)
EVERYONE: YODA, NOOOOOOO!!!!!
(Entire universe blows up, pieces go flying everywhere)

UTENA: Wait a minute. If we destroyed the universe there, why are we still here?
JAR JAR: We aren't. This is a rerun.
UTENA: Ohhh...

COMING UP NEXT: REVOLUTIONARY GUNGAN JAR JAR BINKS ON ICE
FINIS
Written by ker-plop
Assistance given by Mika-Chan