IMPROVED FANFICS Present...
A ker-plop production...
The cast of LOU'S WORLD...
IN...

A Lou's World/Utena crossover
Written by ker-plop
Assistance given by Mika-Chan
*NOTE: To learn about Lou's World, go to www.geocities.com/ker-plop
DISCLAIMER: All 'Lou's World' characters are mine. All 'Utena' characters are NOT mine. 'Nuff said.

CHAPTER 1
INTRODUCTIONS
(The scene opens on a piano stationed in one of the Ohtori classrooms. Miki walks out onto stage and sits down at the instrument. He cracks his knuckles, runs his fingers over the keys for a few moments, and then launches into a musical presentation...)
MIKI: It seems today that all ya see is violence in movies and sex on TV~
(Utena appears from the side)
UTENA: But where're those good old-fashioned values~
(Anshi, Touga, Nanami, Juri and Saionji appear in the background wearing tuxedos and top-hats)
ANSHI/NANAMI/TOUGA/JURI/SAIONJI: On which we used to relyyyyyyyy~
(A huge dance line opens up with flashing lights and everything)
CHORUS: Lucky there's a butt-of-jokes guyyyyy... Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us~
NANAMI: Laugh and cry~
(Miki takes center stage)
CHORUS: He's... Our... Butt-of... Jokes... GUYYYYYYYYY~
(Akio walks on)
AKIO: What the hell was that?!
TOUGA: Well, er, we were rehearsing for a play, boss.
AKIO: Fine, but don't make the song so dang obvious. (He walks away, grumbling under his breath) Sheesh, I'm tryin' to take over the world and this is what I have to work with? Crimony...
JURI: What a grouch.
SAIONJI: Yeah, what's his problem? Try to do one little song and he eats us alive.
UTENA: Forget about it, will you? The parody's starting!

(In Minnesota, Lou, Mew, Elliott and Nova are all sitting around watching TV)
MEW: It's amazing what enough pledge money will do to a station.
NOVA: Yeah, now that PBS has enough cash to last an eternity it plays British comedies all day long!
LOU: Yeah, I could get used to this...
(On screen, two guys are standing with beer bottles)
MAN 1: 'Ere, Cap'n. Merry Christmas! (Smashes the beer bottle over Man 2's head)
MAN 2: Crikey, Sarge, ya gave me that LAST year!!! (They both start attacking each other with broken beer bottles; the viewers laugh hysterically)
ELLIOTT: Oh, this never gets old! AH HA HA!!!
(Suddenly, Mika runs into the room with a big envelope)
MIKA: Hey guys! Guess what I just got!
MEW: Is it candy?
MIKA: No.
MEW: (Turns back to TV) Not interested.
NOVA: What is it, Mika?
MIKA: (Pulls out the letter and reads it) "Dear super-smart and yet American high-school students-"
LOU: What a nice letter opening.
MIKA: Oh, shut up. "You are cordially invited to travel to Hou-oushi to take part in Ohtori Academy's various high-level scholar summer workshops. Choose from a variety of topics; cooking, botany, fencing, music, and other programs headed by Ohtori's finest students and staff. You are also given the chance to meet with the dean of the campus and even apply to attend Ohtori next fall." Wow, this is so awesome!
MEW: Who's that letter addressed to?
MIKA: It's addressed to me, but it's got a list of all the kids attending, and Lou and Nova are on it.
NOVA: Oh yeah, I remember getting one of those ivitations.
LOU: Yeah, me too, but I thought it was a joke. (Pulls out his envelops and pulls out the only thing inside; a tiny postcard with a picture of the school on it) All it says is "help me to bring about world revolution." What does that mean?
ELLIOTT: Maybe he works for Microsoft.
MIKA: What're we waiting for? Let's GO!
NOVA: (Whispering) Lou, why's she here anyway? She's not even IN this comic strip.
LOU: I thought she was with you.
MEW: Do you think they'd let a talking cat in?
LOU: Hey, anything's possible. Who would have thought the animators would destroy the end of Digimon's second season? (Starts frothing at the mouth) I'm gonna kill them one of these days... GRRRR...
NOVA: It sounds like fun. I'm game.
MIKA: Great! I'll fill out the forms and send them off to the academy. Yay, we're going to Hou-Oushi!
LOU/ELLIOTT/MEW/NOVA: (Monotone) Whoopeeee.

(About a week later, Touga enters Akio's office with some papers)
TOUGA: Boss, we just got back the last of the applications. Those four American kids you wanted to come here are on their way.
AKIO: (Folds his hands) Eeeexcellent!
TOUGA: Would you mind not doing that? You're creeping me out.
AKIO: Fine. Still, they may be on their way, but they'll never GET here! (Opens the huge windows behind his desk as a band of winged apes march into the office) Fly, my monkeys! FLY!
(The apes leap out the window and take to the sky)
TOUGA: ...Why'd you do that? I thought you said you wanted them to come.
AKIO: I know. I just always felt like doing that.
TOUGA: Oi vey... Is any part of this story gonna be serious?!

(A month later, the LW kids arrive at the gates of Ohtori)
LOU: Man, that was one rotten flight over here.
NOVA: Yeah, especially when that one guy took over the plane and declared it his own country of 'Bloopyland' and then we had to slug him out.
ELLIOTT: (Turning to the readers) Don't you guys go nuts when we skip parts like that?
(The gates open eerily)
MEW: This is it, I guess...
MIKA: This is gonna be so much fun!
(Suddenly, an elephant falls out of the sky and crashes into the sidewalk next to them)
LOU: (Eyeing the elephant) Or maybe, just maybe, it's gonna be just like home.

(In the auditorium, Mikage addresses the group as they sit in the practically empty area)
MIKAGE: Welcome, honorable American visitors! Welcome to Ohtori Academy. I hope you will enjoy your stay here.
MIKA: (Looking around and noticing that she and the others are the only ones there) Hey, where're all the other kids?
MIKAGE: Ummm... They couldn't come. Well, almost all of them. We have another student here from Easter Island. (Points to a kid sitting in the back with a huge, stone head)
LOU: Why didn't I see that coming?
MIKAGE: Anyway, we have paired each one of you up with an Ohtori student that will be your roommate for the two weeks you will be staying with us. Ahem... (As the Ohtori students appear and stand behind Mikage, he starts reading off names) Nina Kento, you will be paired with Juri Arisugawa.
(Nova looks at Juri, who smiles and winks at her)
NOVA: ......................................Oh, boy.
MIKAGE: Elliott Krein, you will be rooming with Kiyouichi Saionji.
ELLIOTT: (Gets up and walks over to Saionji) Nice to meet you!
(Saionji slaps him)
ELLIOTT: Hey, what was that for?!
SAIONJI: (Suddenly realizing that he slapped Elliott) Sorry. Old habit.
MIKAGE: Mew Avistaurus Cat, you will be with Anshi Himemiya.
MEW: I see... Hello.
ANSHI: Oh, what a pretty kitty! (Grabs Mew by the neck and starts stroking his head) I'm gonna love him and hug him and pet him and call him George, and-
MIKAGE: OK, moving on... Mika Astron will be rooming with Miki.
MIKA: Oh? Good!
MIKI: (Approaches Mika) Very nice to meet you. (Clicks stopwatch)
MIKA: Stop that. MIKI: Stop what? (Click)
MIKA: Gurgh...
MIKAGE: OK, last pairing... Lou Smith is with Utena Tenjou.
LOU: WHAT?! Well, they're certainly big on co-ed here...
UTENA: Nice to meet you. (Shakes Lou's hand)
LOU: Good to meet you as well, I'm sure... Nice uniform.
UTENA: Thanks. I made it myself!
NANAMI: What? Big bro and I don't get roommates?
MIKAGE: Touga still has his regular room.
TOUGA: That's a relief.
NANAMI: Why? Are you afraid of what folks'll find if they go into your dorm, big brother?
TOUGA: Well, it's not that, but... Uh... There are some things I'd rather no one found out about me.
(Cut to scene of Touga in his room dressed as an Amish and churning butter)
TOUGA: Ummm... Yeah.
NANAMI: You said Touga gets his own room? What about me?
MIKAGE: You get the Easter Island kid.
NANAMI: (Sweatdrops) Oh... Great... Ah ha ha... (This blows.)
MIKAGE: Classes begin tomorrow. You may roam the grounds until then. Thank you for your patience.
ANSHI: Come along, George. I have someone you'd like to meet.
MEW: (GURK) (Can't move as Anshi drags him out of the room; on the way out, she passes Miki and Mika)
MIKA: (Quite suddenly) I'm onto you.
ANSHI: ??? (Shrugs and keeps walking)
ELLIOTT: So, Saionji, what do you teach?
SAIONJI: Cooking.
ELLIOTT: That's neat!
(Saionji slaps him again)
SAIONJI: ...Oops. I meant "thank you."
ELLIOTT: (Mutter mutter expletive mutter)
JURI: Let me show you the fencing arena. That is what you signed up for, right?
NOVA: Yeah. How'd you know?
JURI: You got assigned to the instructor that teaches that class. Once we see the arena, would you mind joining me for dinner?
NOVA: ....OK....
LOU: So, Yutena...
UTENA: It's pronounced "OO-TIN-UH." Get it right.
LOU: Sorry. So, Utena, does anything... random... happen around here sometimes?
(Cut to a scene of a nun kicking a cop)
UTENA: Like what?
(Cut to a scene of Miki playing the piano and the lid slamming down on his hands)
LOU: Oh, you know...
(Cut to a scene of a clown roasting a marshmallow over a campfire)
LOU: Silly stuff...
(Cut to a scene of a man getting hit in the face with a pie)
LOU: That just happens...
(Cut to a scene of a sumo wrestler tap-dancing)
LOU: Without any reason...
(Cut to a cat driving an SUV)
UTENA: No, that doesn't happen around here. Why?
LOU: (Sweatdropping) Oh, never mind.

CHAPTER 2
HERE, KITTY KITTY KITTY
(The shadow girls appear behind their usual curtain)
GIRL 1: I wonder, I wonder, do you wonder what I wonder?
GIRL 2: Methinks these foreigners are going to learn more about this school than they ever wanted to!
GIRL 3: Maybe one will have to... DUEL!
GIRL 1: Touga will make them look like fools.
GIRL 2: These times shall pass, and- AH! There's a wasp in here!
(Shadow girls start freaking out)
GIRLS: AAAAHHHH!!! GET IT AWAY!!! EEEEEE!!! WHERE IS IT?! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!
(Cut to the backetball court, where Lou and Utena are; Utena is trying to teach him how to play basketball)
UTENA: Just watch the ball and throw it at the basket when you can. Try it!
(Utena throws Lou the ball. He hurls it up at the basket. It bounces off the rim, shoots downwards and hits a tree, flies backwards and knocks down a glass window and goes flying into the back of Lou's head. He flies forward, smashes his face into the pole holding the basket up and flops onto his back)
UTENA: That.... was the most spectacular pathetic throw I've ever seen. You should be good at this! Didn't you Americans invent this game?!
LOU: Actually, I think it was a Canadian...
UTENA: Oh. My bad. Let's try rugby!
LOU: Arrrrgh...
(After rugby and a few hours in intensive care, Lou and Utena relax by the water fountain)
UTENA: You're pretty good at rugby. I've never seen anyone play defense by being a dead weight.
LOU: Well, you've got the "dead" part right...
UTENA: You know, Lao-
LOU: It's pronounced "LOO." Get it right.
UTENA: Whatever. You seem quite familiar to me. Now, I wonder where I could've met you before...
(Flashback to the whole beginning scene where little kid Utena decides she's going to become a prince and Dios has just left, leaving the girl on all fours and staring down at the ground)
UTENA: I'm gonna become a prince! Nothin's gonna stop me!
(Suddenly, Lou walks in, holding a bus schedule and looking very confused)
LOU: Excuse me, do you know where I can catch the 26-B to Nutley?
UTENA: Oh, it's right over there. (Points)
LOU: Thanks. (walks over and sits down on a bench)
(Another flashback a few years later. Utena is going door to door in her Brownie uniform selling Princess Scout cookies)
UTENA: Princess Scout Cookies! Come and get 'em! Too Thin Mints, Tugalongs, you name it, I've got it!
STRANGE MAN: Got any Lumpy Loogies?
UTENA: Yessir! Right here. (Pulls out a box; man pays her for 'em and walks off) ...Where'd that come from, anyway?
(Utena comes to another house and rings the doorbell; Lou opens it)
LOU: Yeah?
UTENA: Wanna buy some Princess Scout cookies?
LOU: Sure. (Hands over some cash and takes a few boxes, then shuts the door)
(Another flashback, a little closer to the present. Utena runs through the streets of New York as the Independence Day aliens fire their death rays and anihilate the city.)
UTENA: Fine time for me to go on a bargain vacation! I am TOTALLY suing that airline company!
(She leaps into a subway tunnel and escapes the explosion; Lou is the only other person in the tunnel)
LOU: Hot enough for ya?
UTENA: Oh, you don't even wanna get me started.
(End Flashbacks)
UTENA: ...............I guess that would be why he seemed familiar.
LOU: What?
UTENA: Ah, never mind. (Hmm, this guy could be the Prince I've been searching for... but I'll have to make sure somehow... Lemme see... This will require some Pinky and the Brain-like wisdom...)

ANSHI: OK George, you're gonna meet my big brother! He's the nicest big brother in the whole wide world, yes he is, George!
MEW: GURRRRRRRRRK~
(Anshi flings the door open and walks in. Akio is sitting at his desk looking over some term papers)
AKIO: Hmmm... C-plus.... B-minus... Ooh, this is a research paper on the history of pornography: A-double plus! Ah, Anshi. What is it?
ANSHI: Hey, big brother! Take a look at my student! His name's George.
MEW: GUURRRRRRRRK~
(Akio's eyebrows go up)
AKIO: (Woah... I've never seen such a huge cat... I'm kinda turned on.) Well, Anshi, it looks like your student can't breathe. Why don't you let him go?
ANSHI: Oh? OK. (Drops Mew)
MEW: (PANT, WHEEZE)
AKIO: Now then, I'll give him some water to cheer him up. Go do your piano lessons, Anshi.
ANSHI: OK! (Vanishes)
AKIO: Now then, what's your real name, cat?
MEW: (HACK) It's Mew. Hold on, how'd you know my name wasn't George?
AKIO: She calls every new animal that ends up here "George." It got really confusing with the copyright guys when a curious monkey landed on campus and she got ahold of it.
MEW: Er, yeah, I can see where that might be a problem.
AKIO: Goodness, you can talk too? What a very special kitty cat! (Licks his lips)
MEW: Don't do that. You'll chap your lips.
AKIO: Want to look in my telescope? You'll see all sorts of stuff.
MEW: ...OK.
(Mew climbs up into the telescope's chair and looks in. He sees all sorts of stars and planets)
MEW: I wonder what other things are up there? (Starts to swerve the telescope around)
(After looking around the whole place, Mew has located six black holes, a Borg Cube, that rift that the party hats fell out of in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and the actual location of Never Never Land, when he sees something very strange...)
MEW: Excuse me sir, but what kind of spacial anomaly looks like big, green buttcheeks?
AKIO: What?! (Runs up and looks into the telescope) Oh, for the love of... (Looks upwards) Yoda, get outta there!!!
(Mew sweatdrops as a butt-naked Yoda falls down from the top of the telescope and runs away giggling insanely)
AKIO: That dumb puppet keeps poppin' up everywhere these days. He wants a sequel.
MEW: What?
AKIO: Never mind. Hey cat, come here.
MEW: What?
AKIO: Never mind. Hey cat, come here.
MEW: What?
AKIO: Never mind. Hey cat, come here.
MEW: What?
AKIO: Never mind. Hey- (Akio takes a crowbar and strikes the record player that's playing his English dub, knocking it back into sync) I want to show you something else too.
MEW: Really? What? Is it a giant chess game?
AKIO: Better.
(Minutes later, Akio has Mew on his bed and is licking him all over. Mew is screaming for dear life and trying to wrench himself out of the dean's grasp)
MEW: Get offa me!
AKIO: Oh, come now. I'm a professional doctor and you need an examination!
MEW: Nobody licks me but me!
AKIO: Fine. Put your tongue in my mouth!
MEW: This won't do you any good! I've been neutered already!
AKIO: What? Oh, curses.
(Suddenly there is a forceful knocking at the door and it flies open)
KANAE: AKIIIIIIIII!!!
(Akio's eyes get really big and he starts to sweat)
AKIO: Ummmm.... Yes, honey?
KANAE: WHAT are you doing in here?!
AKIO: Err, I'm, uh...
MEW: He tried to-
(Akio clamps Mew's mouth shut)
AKIO: I was just grooming the cat, sweetheart. See? (Starts petting Mew on the head) (Come on, purr, you dumb fuzzball!)
MEW: (Coldly) Purr.
AKIO: See?
KANAE: I'm not buying it! You were molesting that cat, weren't you?!
AKIO: What? Me? I'd never do such a thing! I'm a respectable citizen, and I- (Suddenly, Akio starts coughing and pukes up a big gray hairball; it plops onto the floor)
KANAE: (Silently points her finger at Akio) I KNEW it! YOU are in a LOT of trouble, mister!!!
AKIO: Uggggghhhh...
(Mew gets off the bed and grabs the hairball and starts to leave the room)
MEW: I'll take that, thank you. Fortunately I had my hairs numbered for just such an occasion.
(Suddenly Mew spots an extra Rose Ring on Akio's dresser. He quickly snatches it as Kanae starts screaming bloody murder at the dean and takes off)

NOVA: Umm, Juri, shouldn't we be fencing or something?
JURI: That can wait. Lemme show you something.

NOVA: Woah...
JURI: Never seen a guy with sheets THAT color, huh?
NOVA: It's quite rare. Are you sure it's not just a red blanket he's had for a long long long time?
JURI: It's satin, Nova. And you know what the fun part of it is?
NOVA: What?
JURI: JUMPING ON IT!!!
(Nova and Juri start jumping on Touga's bed, bouncing higher and higher with each plunge)

ELLIOTT: Saionji's taught me a lot already. He's a cooking master!
(Saionji slaps him)
SAIONJI: Oops. I meant "thank you."
(Since Touga's bedroom is right above the room, the thumping of the girls jumping on the bed can be heard quite clearly)
TOUGA: (Looking up) What the heck is that?
SAIONJI: Don't worry. It's just Touga with another girl.
TOUGA: ...
SAIONJI: Oh. OK, I'd say it's trouble.
(Touga gets up and runs upstairs and sees them hopping on his beloved pink sheets)
TOUGA: HEY!!! GET OFFA THOSE!!!
NOVA: Oops! We're busted, Juri.
JURI: I guess so. Look out, he's gonna tackle us!
(Nova and Juri leap off the bed as Touga belly-flops onto it and goes sliding off. He flies across the room and smashes into a pile of stuff in the corner)
TOUGA: MY BUTTER CHURNER!!!
JURI: Ummm... We'd better split.
NOVA: Sounds good. (The girls run off, leaving Touga pounding the floor with his fists and screaming Amish vulgarities)
NOVA: That was kinda fun! Are we gonna go fence now, though?
JURI: Yeah, sure, Nova. We'll just head to the gym and-
(Juri freezes. Shiori is coming down the hall.)
NOVA: Who's that girl, Juri?
JURI: Ummm... Just play along!
(Nova is surprised when Juri grabs her, slams her against the wall and begins frenching her. Shiori is walking past and stops to look)
SHIORI: Yeah, right. No way is that redhead hotter than me. In your dreams! (Keeps walking)
(Juri lets go of Nova and stares blankly for a second, then starts crying on Nova's shoulder)
NOVA: Wow, this is just like a repeat of that anime girls' therapy group I went to a while back...

MIKAGE: Uwaa haaa haaa... My plan is foolproof! Anshi will come along and play her favorite song and when she strikes this key... BOOM! Ah, here she comes.
(He goes and hides inside a bass case in the corner as Anshi walks in and sits down at the piano)
ANSHI: I think I'll play my favorite song.
MIKAGE: (Yes... YES...)
(Anshi begins to tinker along on the keys, but she keeps making a mistake and missing the rigged note. Mikage is growing irritated when Miki and Mika walk in)
MIKI: You've had piano experience before? Good. It'll be easier to teach you. Ummm... Anshi, are you having trouble playing your favorite song today?
ANSHI: Yeah... For some reason my fingers keep getting mixed up.
MIKI: (Sits down next to her and Anshi gets up) D-don't worry, let me help. Let's see...
(Miki plays the note perfectly and the piano blows up, covering Miki in thick, black soot and pieces of wood; Mikage is furious)
MIKAGE: CURSES!!! (Leaps out of the bass case and confronts Anshi and Mika) You may have gotten away this time, but I'll get you! I'll get you, my pretty, and your little ape too! (Jumps out the window and runs away laughing maniacally)
ANSHI: ???
MIKA: You deserve it, you know.
ANSHI: ??????
(Suddenly, Mew walks in. A purple tail is dangling from his mouth)
MEW: Actually, I'd say I've got the 'little ape too' part down...
ANSHI: You're eating Chuchu? Why?
MEW: Revenge for sending me to Captain Happypants up there. (BURP)
ANSHI: Oh. OK!
MIKA: Mew, he didn't... Oh, geez. Do us all a favor and take a bath tonight.
MEW: Sure thing. Lemme see... (Pulls out hairball and starts unravelling the hairs) 4587... 4588... 3295... This is gonna take a while... (Suddenly he finds the Rose Ring in the mess. He throws it out the window and keeps pulling hairs)

UTENA: So Lou, are you related to any nobility or anything?...
LOU: No.
UTENA: Oh. (No one says that he can't be a Prince if he isn't descended from one. I'll try something else) Do you know any princes?
LOU: What? Oh, sure.
UTENA: (Gets hopeful) Really? Who?
LOU: Prince, the singer... The Fresh Prince of Belaire... Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves... Elvis... No, wait, he was The King. Never mind.
UTENA: (Sweatdropping) Oh...
(Suddenly the Rose Ring Mew threw out the window lands on the potato chip Lou sticks in his mouth. A sickening CRUNCH is heard)
LOU: AAAAGGGHHHH!!! WHAT IS THIS?!
(Lou spits the Ring into his hand and looks at it)
LOU: Those stupid chip companies! I'll sue 'em for not mentioning there was a free prize in this bag!
(Utena gawks at the Ring)
UTENA: My God, that's a Duelist's Ring! You've been chosen to battle for the Rose Bride!
LOU: Say what now?
UTENA: Of course, I've never heard of anyone getting a ring through a bag of chips... Oh, well. But this PROVES that you're my Prince!
LOU: Huh? I wasn't paying any attention because I was picking out the broken teeth. (Shows Utena about 4 cracked teeth) What currency does the tooth fairy pay with in Hou-Oushi?
UTENA: Grrrrgh...

NOVA: After much research, I've come to the conclusion that we're gonna be spending the next two weeks in a loony bin.
ELLIOTT: My cheeks are bruised from all the accidental slappings...
MEW: You don't want to hear about how my day went.
MIKA: They're all up to something, I tell you. There's something BIG going down around here...
LOU: (Eyeing the Rose Ring in his hand) The pink-haired chick is coming on to me and this thing broke my teeth.
MEW: All-in-all, I'd say this is going to be an interesting few weeks.
ELLIOTT: Yeah, who knows what tomorrow'll be like?
MIKA: Whaddya mean tomorrow? First we have to get through tonight... (winks at readers)

CHAPTER 3
I LOVE THE NIGHT LIFE
(As the LW kids clean up their places in the cafeteria, the Ohtori kids come in)
NOVA: Huh? Oh, hi, Juri. Hi, Touga. Sorry about your butter churner.
TOUGA: (Teeth clenched)...It's... not... a problem. (Anglishmann Schwein...)
(Akio enters the room)
MEW: HISSSSSSSS!!!! (Darts behind Lou) Don't let him anywhere near me!
AKIO: Charming. I just came down to wish everyone a pleasant evening.
MIKA: (Don't be fooled. He wants to wish us more than that...)
(Akio leaves)
ELLIOTT: What? He leaves and that's it? Weird.
MIKI: Actually, we came down to inform you of the evening situation.
LOU: "Situation?"
MIKI: Since we are short of rooms, each of you will be sharing the room of the instructor to whom you've been assigned. The rules are typical, so...
NOVA: Woah, woah, woah. Don't go assuming we know your rules, blue guy!
MIKI: Fine. Ahem. (Picks up a sheet) "The Ohtori rules for evening hours:
1) No booze.
2) Keep noise levels at a minimum.
3) All naughty items should be kept in your room.
4) If Akio comes into your room, you have no right to throw him out."
MIKA: Those are rules?
MIKI: Hey, I didn't make them.
ELLIOTT: I guess that means I'll be roomin' with you, Saionji!
(Saionji slaps him)
SAIONJI: Umm... I meant "there's a spare cot in my room."
ELLIOTT: Lovely. Ever considered having that arm looked at?
MIKI: Likewise, Nova will be with Juri, Mika will be with me, and... uh... oh, dear.
MEW: Something wrong?
MIKI: Utena and Anshi already share a room; it's the law of the Rose Bride.
LOU: I certainly hope those rules are less odd than the regular ones.
MIKI: I guess it'll be a tight squeeze. Well, good night, everyone.
NOVA: (Sweatdropping) This... is gonna be an interesting evening.

ELLIOTT: Is your room big?
SAIONJI: It's the same size as all the rooms. Standard size.
ELLIOTT: I see. Hey, that was interesting.
SAIONJI: What is?
ELLIOTT: You've just said two sentences without slapping me.
SAIONJI: Oh, that. My arm stops working after 9 PM.
ELLIOTT: I suppose that would explain the pen you have in your hand...
SAIONJI: Do you think it makes me look stupid?
ELLIOTT: Nahhh.
SAIONJI: Ah, here's my room.

SAIONJI: What do you think?
ELLIOTT: (Sweatdropping) Well, you certainly have a theme going, don't you?
SAIONJI: (Chuckles sheepishly)

JURI: What do you think?
NOVA: It's clean. That's cool. I especially like the smell in here. You ought to see my room.
JURI: Why? Is your room filthy?
NOVA: No, but it smells different. See, mine resembles the perfume I apply to my pits every morning mixed in with the scent of all the candy bars I hide beneath my bed... mixed with the smell of ants and rodent droppings.
JURI: Aha.
NOVA: But your room... Hmm... You use men's deoderant, don't you?
JURI: What? Ah... Yeah... I do... (Starts breaking down) I can't help it! It was Shiori's favorite! Awwwwwww....
(Juri flops onto the bed and starts blubbering and pounding her fist on the pillow)
NOVA: (This is just pathetic) There, there, Juri...
JURI: (SNIFF) I want my mommy.

MIKI: There's not much to see, but I hope you find the room enjoyable.
MIKA: There's just a piano. Where's your bed?
MIKI: It's my own invention. (He pulls the lid off the grand piano to reveal a double bed inside) Kind of like a vampire's coffin, don't you think?
MIKA: Yeah... Neat... (Creepy...)
MIKI: Anywhere, there's a cot in the closet, and-URK!
MIKA: Something wrong?
MIKI: (My God, I've just realized that I've got a girl other than my sister sleeping in MY room... I must contain myself. I must show restraint...) Uh, I've gotta go get some water. I'll be right back. (He runs out the door and leaves the building. He runs out to the fountain) EEEEEEEEEEEYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (He runs back inside and back into his room) OK, I'm back.
MIKA: ... (Sweatdrops)

UTENA: Make yourselves at home, boys!
LOU: Thanks. Ummm...
MEW: Let's see... I can't sleep in the dresser; there's a mongoose in there. I can't sleep under the bed; there's an alligator. What'm I supposed to do?
ANSHI: It's OK, George! You can sleep with me, yes you can!
MEW: (Oh, goodie. She'll probably suffocate me) Oh, that sounds great! Really... nice.
ANSHI: Yay! (Grabs Mew by the neck, throws him into her bed and climbs on top of him) You're gonna be a great pillow, George! (Falls asleep with her head on his stomach, preventing him from moving at all)
MEW: (Pathetically looks at Lou) Help.
LOU: Sorry. You're on your own on this one, Mew.
UTENA: Ah, so where're you gonna sleep?
LOU: Is there a closet nearby?
UTENA: Well, there's one over there, but...
LOU: I'll go in there. (Walks over and opens the closet. A huge squid tentacle lurches out and grabs him)
UTENA: Hey, someone switched the balloon with a real thing! I wonder who'd do that?!
LOU: ACK. (Manages to free himself) OK, I'm sleeping in the bathroom.
UTENA: OK, but whatever you do, don't open the medicine cabinet, or-
LOU: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

NANAMI: You say you have to go to the bathroom? Then get up! ...Whaddya mean you can't get up? Well, no wonder! Sheesh... Hold it until morning!

(Saionji's room)
(FART)
SAIONJI: Hey.
ELLIOTT: (YAWN) What?
SAIONJI: Was that you farting?
ELLIOTT: Me? No...
SAIONJI: Well, it wasn't me.
(FART)
SAIONJI: There it is again.
ELLIOTT: I wonder who it could be?
(FART)
SAIONJI: This isn't funny!
ELLIOTT: Ugh. I guess this proves the theory of diffusion. Phaugh!
(FART)
SAIONJI: That does it! I'm turning on the light!
(Saionji flicks on the light and both guys jump in surprise. Yoda is sitting on a stack of magazines and farting aimlessly)
SAIONJI: Hey, get lost, you pruny green dipwad!
(Yoda leaps out the window and runs off down the courtyard, laughing crazily and gassing all the way)
SAIONJI: That stupid puppet's been poppin' up and poppin' off everywhere. He wants a sequel.
ELLIOTT: What?
SAIONJI: Never mind.
(Juri's room)
(Nova is awakened by Juri's mumbling)
JURI: Oooh, marshmallows... Yes, please, I'd like one... Woah, that's huge...
NOVA: Oh, boy. I think we can all guess what's going to happen next.
(Juri eats her pillow)
JURI: BRAAAAAAAAAAP
NOVA: Hoo boy.
JURI: Strawberries... Sure, I'd like some strawberries...
NOVA: Strawberries? What here in this room has the color of... (Nova gulped as she remembers her own hair color and then screams as Juri latches on)
NOVA: This is what I get for using strawberry-scented shampoo! YEEEEEOOOWWWW!!!
(Miki's room)
(Mika is asleep on the cot when the piano opens up. Miki emerges from the piano wearing a black cape and tuxedo. Fangs are visible in his mouth. He walks over to Mika)
MIKI: Ahh, a fresh victim for my ever-growing army of the undead, blah!
MIKA: (Yawwwwwwn) What? What was that?
MIKI: Hey, you were supposed to stay asleep, blah!
MIKA: Miki, quit playing around... You're not a vampire in any of the episodes... (Falls asleep again)
MIKI: What is with you, blah? I'm a big, scary, bloodsucking vampire, blah! Oh, well. I don't care if you fear me or not. I'll suck your blood anyway, blah!
(Suddenly the lights turn on and Miki and Kozue walk in)
MIKI: So then I said "lemme help you play that tune," and then-
KOZUE: Miki, what's that vampire doing over there?
MIKI: Oh, not you again! Hey, Count Mikelangelo! Scat already!
MIKELANGELO: What? No, blah! I like it here, blah!
MIKI: SCRAM!!! (Holds up a cross. Mikelangelo hisses and leaps out the window)
KOZUE: Well, you sure showed him.
MIKI: Sheesh. Vampires: You rent out your room to 'em once and they think they're members of your family.
MIKA: Miki, go to sleep... ZZZZZZZ
MIKI: Sad that she'll never realize I saved her life.
KOZUE: That happens with all the pretty girls, doesn't it? You invite 'em in, Count Mikelangelo shows up and they never wake up to see you drive him away.
MIKI: Sad but true.
(Utena/Anshi's room)
(Anshi sleeps through the whole night on top of Mew)
MEW: Can't sleep. Akio will eat me. Can't sleep. Akio will eat me.
UTENA: Man, that cat's a broken record. I know! I'll go see how Lou's doing.
(Utena creeps into the bathroom. Lou is sleeping in the shower with all his clothes on and his hat over his face)
UTENA: Awwww, like a little angel...
LOU: (Mumbling in his sleep) I said quit humpin' my leg, you stupid dog... Ha! How d'ya like THEM apples, ya dumb mutt?...
UTENA: Errrr... I'll just pretend I didn't hear that. (Leans down and smooches Lou on the cheek)
LOU: Agh, get off me, you stupid mutt... Get! Stupid... Argh...
UTENA: (Giggles) Hmm, I wonder what kind of response I'd get if I do this...
(Utena licks Lou's cheek)
LOU: HEAD FOR THE HILLS! THE DAM'S BROKEN!!! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!
(Lou grabs Utena by the neck and slams her head into the tile wall in the shower. She gets knocked out and falls on him; he wakes up)
LOU: ...Huh? Hey, did you want to use the bathroom? Hello? Hello? Huh. (Lou shoves her out of the shower and goes back to sleep)

CHAPTER 4
THE AKIO CAR CHAPTER
(A few days pass with typical abnormal activity that wasn't weird enough to write about. On the sixth day of the first week...)
AKIO: The time has come.
KANAE: (Looks up from her book) What're you talking about?
AKIO: I must go! (Runs outside and hops into the Akio Car and drives away)
KANAE: I guess the midlife crisis hit early.
AKIO: Time for me to try and corrupt those new kids... eh heh heh...

UTENA: You know, now that you have that Rose Ring, you're a duelist, and you'll have to fight some of the other students.
LOU: Who?
UTENA: Oh, you know... most of the kids tutoring your pals and me.
LOU: Oh. Is that all?
UTENA: Hey, if you win, you get the Rose Bride. Isn't that a great prize?
(Lou glances off towards the garden. Anshi has dressed Mew in a baby bonnet and is wheeling him around in a stroller)
LOU: ...Yeah. Greeeeeat.
UTENA: Hey, you don't know what the guys on this campus would give up to get that kind of treatment.
LOU: Oogah.

MIKA: Man, where is he? Leave it to a guy to sleep in. I'll just go and bug him til he wakes up...
(Mika throws open the lid of the piano and her eyes bug out. Miki and Kozue are sleeping together in the piano with their arms thrown over each other)
MIKA: Gyaaaaahhhh!!!! That is SO wrong!!!
MIKI: Wha?... Hmm... Huh?... (Notices Mika glaring at him) Whaaaa! Oh, ummm... Kozue's afraid of the dark, and one thing lead to another, and, ahhhh...
MIKA: Good grief.

LOU: So, let me get this straight: I'm going to have to fight the slaphappy green-haired guy, the eyelashless orange-haired chick, the eyelash-loaded, blue-haired guy, the white-haired snot, the redheaded womanizer AND you before I can get ahold of this "Rose Bride?"
UTENA: Well, when you put it that way it doesn't sound so glamorous, but you've got the idea.
LOU: Couldn't I just pay for her?
UTENA: What've you got?
LOU: I have an American Express card.
UTENA: Sorry. Akio won't accept anything but Visa, and he only rents her out anyway.
LOU: Nuts.
(Suddenly, Touga walks in)
TOUGA: Ahem...
(There's a five-minute silence)
UTENA: ...Yeah?
TOUGA: ......Line!
(A Gofer scribbles Touga's lines down on a cue card and holds it up)
TOUGA: Prepare to be taken to the place where all your wishes are granted!
(Akio and his car come crashing out of the wall of the building. Akio fails to apply the breaks fast enough and the car runs over Lou. Akio puts the car in 'PARK' and looks back)
AKIO: Don't blame me. You had plenty of time to get out of the way.
LOU: Don't worry about it. I've been run over by better cars than that anyway.
AKIO: (Trying to contain his rage) What?
LOU: Yeah, I was squished by some pretty cool cars before...
(Flashback occurs. Lou is walking down a street in Gotham City. He pauses to cross the street to get to a bus stop)
LOU: Let's see.. that pink-haired girl sleeping in the coffin said that I could catch the 26-B to Nutley right over here. I-
(Lou hears a fierce roar. He turns to the left just in time to see the Batmobile run right over him. After that, a bus going in the opposite direction runs over him too. He gets up and wobbles around)
LOU: Hey, that was the 26-B! DOGGONE IT!
(A second flashback occurs. Lou is walking down a street in London)
LOU: I wonder where that kid that sold me the Princess Scout cookies went? I needed to tell her she gave me an extra box of Tugalongs, and-
(Suddenly, the James Bond car comes screeching out from a corner. One of its on-board missiles launches and blows Lou sky high. He lands just in time to be run over again. He forces himself to sit up)
LOU: Errrrgh... Maybe Mr. Bond shouldn't drink and do it at the same time... I saw that lady's foot hit the missile launcher... ughhhh... Well, no use just sitting here. I have to-
(Lou is stopped in mid-sentence as Mr. Bean's car runs over him and then proceeds to hit the three-wheeled car)

LOU: See?
AKIO: Hmmmph. OK, you've got me on the Bond car, but even that couldn't take you to the world of your desires. Get in, kid.
UTENA: I would suggest that you don't go, Lou...
LOU: I don't think I will. He IS a stranger, and you should never accept rides from strangers.
AKIO: Oh, come on! I have candy! (Holds up a lollipop)
LOU: Sold! (Hops in the backseat. Touga gets in the front next to Akio and the car drives off)
UTENA: ....(Grumble grumble obscenity grumble)
(While the car rides towards the End of the World, Lou takes a look at the big array of buttons and special features in the back of the car as he licks his lollipop)
LOU: Hmmm... Air conditioning, tape player, CD player, mini-TV, cigarette lighter... this place has the works!
AKIO: I know. I added most of them myself.
TOUGA: (Whispering to Akio) (What're you going to do with him, anyway?)
AKIO: (I'll drive him to my Florida house and seduce him. The blue hat turns me on.)
LOU: (Eyes the big, red button that says DO NOT PRESS) Hey, what does this button do?
AKIO: No, wait! DON'T PRESS THAT-
(Lou hits the button. Touga and Lou are ejected from the car and go flying off into the blackness)
AKIO: ...Oh, that was the ejection seat, not the self-destruct! Whew... I've got to get warning labels for my little red buttons. (Shrugs and keeps driving)
(Lou and Touga crash down facing each other. Lou gets up and looks at Touga; he's in a sort of glass case that's filling up with water)
LOU: Hey, are you going to do that Houdini escape trick? I LOVE that one! Try to do it in under five minutes!
TOUGA: (Man, this kid's thicker than the width of my-) Hey, I'm dead. I drowned a long time ago. Don't you see that, kid?
LOU: No.
TOUGA: Oh, for crying out loud... (The water's filled up to the top. Touga swims upwards, crawls out and falls on Lou)
LOU: (URGGH) You feel real enough.
TOUGA: I know. It was just a symbolic gesture. Now, let's get out of here. You don't even want to begin to know what's out here.
(Suddenly, water starts filling up the glass case that both boys are in now)
TOUGA: Son of a-
LOU: Relax. I have a plan.

AKIO: That was fun. Let's see, who shall I seduce now?... (Looks over and sees Nova and Juri walking into the gym for fencing practice) Hmmm...
JURI: Your form is improving, Nova. You'll be a fine duelist.
NOVA: What?
JURI: (Sweatdropping) Whoops! Did I make a little booboo? I meant 'fencer.'
NOVA: You've sure been acting strange ever since I've showed up.
JURI: Ahhhh... It must be the temperature. I go crazy if the humidity goes up beyond 62 percent. I mean, it's not like I like you, or anything, and-URK! I mean, I don't think about you all the time, and- EEERRRGH!
NOVA: (Sweatdropping) Ah ha.
JURI: (Suddenly breaks down) I can't help it! Ever since Shiori left me I've been SOOOO LONELYYYYYY!!!! BWAAAAAAAAAAAH-HAAAAAAAHHHH-HAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
NOVA: (Here we go again) There, there, Juri... (Starts patting Juri on the back)
JURI: (SNIFF) Would you pat a little lower?...
NOVA: Sure. (Pats a bit lower)
JURI: Oh, yeah. Oooh, that's the spot. (BURP)
NOVA: I'm not doing it again.
(Suddenly, Akio's car comes crashing through the wall)
AKIO: Get in. The world of your desires awaits.
JURI: You know, the janitor's still angry about the last time you did that.
AKIO: Come along. (Grabs Nova by the ponytail and throws her in the backseat)
NOVA: Well, it'll be a welcome change, considering that I've been listening to Juri blubbering for the past week.
AKIO: You will enjoy this world, I assure you.
NOVA: (Looking at the front seat) Now, I know that I'm only 16, and I don't even have my learner's permit, but... can I drive?
AKIO: No.
NOVA: Pleeeeeeeeease?
AKIO: No.
NOVA: (Begging) Pretty pretty pretty pretty pleeeeeease?!
AKIO: Will you service me sexually for it?
NOVA: Sure!
AKIO: No.
NOVA: Awwww... Lemme just hold the steering wheel! (Leans forwards and puts her hands on the wheel)
AKIO: Get your hands off my car! (The Akio Car starts to swerve all around)
NOVA: Wheeee! This is fun!
AKIO: Stop! STOP! If I don't take the right exit on the Purgatory Interstate, who knows where we'll turn up!!!
NOVA: What? (Makes the car do a hard right turn and they go crashing off into the blackness. The darkness fades and the car is orbiting around Saturn; Akio glares at Nova)
NOVA: Eh heh heh... Oops?

UTENA: Lou's been gone a long time. I wonder if-
(Suddenly a loud SPLASH is heard. Lou and Touga crawl out of the fountain in full scuba gear)
TOUGA: Having those scuba suits on you was a stroke of genius.
LOU: Hey, it pays to have deep pockets.
UTENA: You guys are OK?
TOUGA: Akio would have seduced him if he hadn't pulled the ejection seat lever. (Starts to snicker) Man, you should have seen the look on that purple-haired freak's face when we went flying! It was a riot!!!
UTENA: I've never heard of anyone escaping Akio's car before. (She gets starry-eyed) You MUST be my prince!
LOU: What is it with you and this whole 'Prince' thing anyway?
TOUGA: (Looks at his watch) Uh-oh! I have to go; Akio's scheduled to try to seduce the cat next. See you later! (Takes off down the sidewalk)
LOU: ...Oh, well. Shall we get back to the tennis match?
UTENA: (Sweatdrops and sighs heavily)

TOUGA: I sure wish she'd do that to me. (Looks around) ...Where IS he?...
(Another fifteen minutes pass and Akio is nowhere in sight)
TOUGA: Oh, hell. I'll just do my line now and he can crash later. Hey, cat! Yeah, you!
MEW: What? Sorry, It's hard to hear with this baby bonnet on!
ANSHI: Be quiet, George! It's rude to interrupt someone when they talk to you!
TOUGA: Prepare to be taken to the place where all your wishes are granted!
(Much to everyone's surprise, Akio's car comes crashing through the wall on time)
NOVA: Wow! What a rush! Mew, you've GOT to try riding in here! It's so cool!!!"
MEW: I don't know, Nova. Must I repeat the story of the horrible trauma that man made me suffer?
AKIO: Do tell.
MEW: (Hisses angrily)
NOVA: Oh, come on! You two will be best friends in no time! (Grabs Mew and throws him into the seat next to her and straps his seatbelt on)
AKIO: Yes, best friends... of course... (Glances at Mew and licks his lips; Mew whimpers. Akio starts the car and drives away)
ANSHI: Byyyyye! Take care of George, big brother!
(The Akio Car is speeding through the darkness yet again. Nova and Mew are sitting in the backseat)
AKIO: You're going to love where we end up. It's a real scream. All your wildest dreams will be fulfilled.
NOVA: You mean I can finally swim in an ocean of spaghetti and ham without having to pay for it all and getting weird looks from the neighbors?
AKIO: Uh... yeah.
MEW: Ohhhh... I don't feel so hot...
NOVA: Mew, do you have a fever?
MEW: It's all the stuff flyin' past... I can't keep up with it... I think I'm gonna- (Bends down so his head is touching the back of Akio's seat)
AKIO: NOOOOOO!!!!
MEW: (AAAAACKTHPPPPH) Oh... I feel better now.
AKIO: OK, that's it! We're not going anywhere!
NOVA: Thanks a lot, Mew! Now I'll never be able to do the spampaddle!

ELLIOTT: Gee, Mr. Saionji, I've learned a lot from you in the past week. And this slap-proof helmet I made works like a dream!
(Saionji slaps Elliott's head, but the helmet gives off an electric charge and shocks him)
SAIONJI: Aaagh! You get high marks for ingenuity.
(Suddenly, Akio's car comes crashing through the wall. Akio hits the ejection seat button and Nova and Mew go flying out. They land in chairs and are unharmed)
NOVA: That was fun!
MEW: Gurrrrrgghhhh... I always get sick in moving vehicles that have been tainted with black magic...
AKIO: Come to a world of your strongest desires! Err... Get in the front seat, OK?
ELLIOTT: All right. (Elliott sits down in the front seat and Akio drives off; at the same moment, Touga runs in)
TOUGA: I'm here! I'm here! I... oh, NUTS! Is he gone already?! This is going to come out of my paycheck, I'm sure of it...
AKIO: I like you, Elliott. You've clever and innovative. You could replace Saionji on the student council if you'd like.
ELLIOTT: Student council? Me? Well, I don't know...
AKIO: Oh, come now. Think about it, my boy. (Reaches over to pat Elliott on the head; Elliott's still wearing the shock helmet so Akio is electrocuted and passes out)
ELLIOTT: ...Whoops. Ah, well. I might as well drive. (Elliott pushes Akio into the back of the car, grabs the wheel and puts on his left turn signal)

MIKI: Just relax your fingers and let them do the playing. Breathe in and out, in and out...
MIKA: Are you a yoga teacher in your spare time?
MIKI: No, I just act like one.
MIKA: So, ah, what was that whole, ah, thing, ah, with you and, ah, your sister, ah, in the piano?
MIKI: Oh, that? I already told you. She's afraid of the dark.
MIKA: Riiiiight. Prove it.
MIKI: All right. (Whistles) Kozue!
KOZUE: (Appears in the door) Yeah, Miki?
MIKI: Go and lock yourself in the closet.
KOZUE: OK! (Runs over and closes the closet door. After about five seconds she starts to pound on it) Let me out! LET ME OUT! AAAAHHHH!!! THE CLOWN... HE'S GONNA EAT ME!!! AAAAHHHH!!! THE ALIENS ARE GONNA PROBE ME!!! AHHHHH!!! Hey, Jimmy Hoffa's in here!
(Touga runs in, out of breath and sweaty)
TOUGA: Nobody's going to stop me from saying my lines this time! Ahem... Prepare to be taken to the place where all your wishes are granted!
(On cue, Akio's car crashes in through the wall. It hits the piano, which flies backwards and smashes the closet door open. Kozue pokes her head out)
KOZUE: I'm free!
MIKI: Akio, I've told you a million times not to hit the piano!
ELLIOTT: Sorry.
MIKI/TOUGA/MIKA: HUH?!
(Elliott is sitting in the driver's seat in the Akio Car. He holds a paper sack in one hand and there's a soda can in the cup holder)
ELLIOTT: Akio short-circuted himself, so I drove. I just stopped at Burger King. Akio wasn't hungry, so only I ate. Hey, who wants an extra Big Mac?
KOZUE: Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me!
(Elliott tosses the food to Kozue and she wolfs it down)
KOZUE: Thank you! Ooh, I'm gonna shave your eyebrows GOOD tonight!
ELLIOTT: ...Eh?
(A groan is heard. Akio climbs up out of the backseat, with flecks of... something... coating parts of his face)
AKIO: Errrrrgh... These kids are nuts... You, lifeguard girl! Get over here!
MIKA: No way. I know where that car goes.
TOUGA: Just get in. (Touga grabs Mika and sticks her in the backseat)
MIKA: Hey, I said I didn't wanna get in! Ewww, someone threw up back here, and someone else stepped in it!
AKIO: Well, not "stepped" exactly... Come along, we're going for a ride.
MIKA: I don't think so! (Pulls out a swiss army knife and plunges it into the rear right tire, then hops over the regurgitation and knifes the rear left tire)
AKIO: HEY!!! What're you doing?!
MIKA: You would not believe the symbolism in doing this.
AKIO: Why you little... Well, we can still drive, even with two flat- (Glances at the gas gauge. It says EMPTY) AAAAHHHH!!! WHAT IS THIS?! It's ALWAYS FULL!!! WHERE'S MY GAS?!
(There's a large pipe connected to the bottom of the car. It connects to other pipes that lead down into the cafeteria, where Saionji is filling up oil drums)
SAIONJI: There we go. Fifty gallons of pure petrolium I can cook with. Thank you, Mr. Satan.
(Back in the music room)
AKIO: ARRRRGH! That does it!!! You're in for it now, kid! (He grabs a huge sack of gummi bears out from somewhere)
MIKA: Oh, no!!!
(Mika tries to run, but Akio leaps on her and begins stuffing gummi bears into her mouth by the handfuls)
AKIO: Take THAT! And THAT! And THAT!
MIKA: MMMMRRRRRRFFFF
KOZUE: Should we... help her?
ELLIOTT: Don't worry; it looks like she's about to help herself.
(Akio continues stuffing gummi bears into Mika's mouth. Finally, there are so many cramped into such a small spot that one pops back out and flies into Akio's mouth)
AKIO: GRAAAAGGGHHHHH!!! I'm gummi-intolerant! BLAAAUUUCHHHHH!!! I've gotta find an easier kid to seduce! Ohhh, I'm gonna be sick... (Gets in his car and drives away)
MIKA: Ack! GHAAACK
KOZUE: Oh, no! She's choking on the gummi bears!
ELLIOTT: Someone do a heimlich maneuver!
TOUGA: It won't work. There's too many gummis and they've already begun to fuse together.
MIKI: I know what this calls for. (Pulls out a cell phone and dials a number) Hello? Yeah, it's Miki. Lissen, are they still chasing you? Good. Listen, I want you to run through this room... OK? Good. (Hangs up) Help is on the way.
(Everyone watches as Sailor Mercury comes charging through the room, followed by three huge sumo wrestlers. Before they pursue her out the window, they all body-slam Mika. On the third slam, the huge ball of gummi bears goes flying out of her mouth and sticks to the ceiling)
MIKA: Whew... Thanks, Miki!
MIKI: (Blushing) You're welcome.
KOZUE: (Pouting) Hmmph. Traitor.
MIKI: Don't start THAT again!
NOVA: Guys, that gummi bear ball is looking like it's gonna fall...
(Suddenly, Anshi comes charging into the room)
ANSHI: George! Are you OK?
(As soon as she says this, Mikage leaps out from behind a curtain)
MIKAGE: Ah ha ha ha! Die, Anshi! DIE-
(The gummi bear ball falls and bops him on the head, knocking him out and sending him crashing to the floor)
TOUGA: (Imitating Nelson Laugh) Ha-hah!

NANAMI: Come on! Don't just sit there like a rock! Say your lines! Repeat after me: "Hark! Through what light doth yonder window breaks?"
(The Akio Car comes crashing in and knocks down the scenery. Nanami slaps herself in the forehead)
AKIO: Hey, Stonehenge kid! Get in the backseat.
(Easter Island Boy walks over and gets in. The front of the car is lifted upwards and the wheels spin helpessly in the air)
AKIO: (Breaking down) Why me?... WHY ME?...

MIKI: Kozue, why is your uniform in such disarray?
KOZUE: (Giggles) The music room isn't just for playing piano, big brother.
MIKI: Oh, great. (Miki looks into the music room. Instead of seeing some guy buttoning up his shirt, there's a huge, metal cage with two robots crashing into each other and a crowd of people cheering. Miki pulls himself back into the hallway)
MIKI: OK, what's that?
KOZUE: Oh, the Hou-Oushi Battlebots Commission (HBC) asked if they could use the room for tonight's tournament. I said they could, since I knew you wouldn't mind.
MIKI: Great. Just great. That still doesn't explain why your uniform is messy.
KOZUE: Oh, this? I got hit by the ball-and-chain one of the robots had. See? The other one hit me with a flamethrower! (She turns around to show that the back of her uniform is entirely burned off)
MIKI: Yikes! Oh, well. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. (He takes off his uniform to reveal a BATTLEBOTS t-shirt and puts on an HBC cap and runs inside)
KOZUE: Well, I've got an appointment! See ya! (Runs off)

ELLIOTT: All right, Kazoo-
KOZUE: Kozue.
ELLIOTT: Sorry. All right, Kozue, I appreciate you shaving my eyebrows and all, but did you have to do it while I was bathing?
KOZUE: Hey, you don't have to worry about throwing the hair away after you're done. Besides, I shave better when I'm not restrained by modern-day limits.
ELLIOTT: ...Like clothing?
KOZUE: See? We're on the same wavelength.
ELLIOTT: Well, as much as I'm appreciating the trouble you're going to for me, did you HAVE to use the electric shaver?!
KOZUE: Sure. Why not? (The cord of the shaver touches the water and both kids jump ten feet)
SAIONJI: (BANG BANG) Hey, open up in there! I have to brush my teeth!

CHAPTER 5
PAINT IS HELL
(The rest of the week passes without much comment. Finally on Friday Lou finds a note under Utena's door addressed to him.)
LOU: Hey, what's this?
UTENA: Uh-oh... That's got a rose seal on the back. It's from the 'End of the World," also known as the student council.
LOU: Hmmm... "You have been scheduled for a duel with current Rose Bride holder Utena Tenjou for this afternoon. Bring all your friends with you, as this will be a much bigger duel than usual."
UTENA: A duel, huh? Well... I guess this means I'm your enemy until it's over.
LOU: You are?
UTENA: Yes. We will duel for posession of the Rose Bride, Anshi.
LOU: I have to? You can just have her, you know.
UTENA: Oh, come on. It's no fun if you just give her to me. You HAVE to do it!
LOU: Pshhh... Fine.
UTENA: Great! I'll teach you to use a sword.
LOU: A sword? (Produces a feather pen) I have a sword. In fact, this is mightier. Ben Franklin said so.
UTENA: Oh, boy...

A-KO: I wonder, I wonder, do you wonder what I wonder?
B-KO: There's gonna be a duel between Utena and the foreigner this afternoon!
A-KO: Who'll win? I don't know.
B-KO: All I know is that it's gonna be a much more interesting duel than before...
A-KO: What's that supposed to mean?
B-KO: It's because-
ELLIOTT: (Walks in) Excuse me, is this the public restroom?
GIRLS: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!
ELLIOTT: (Shuts the door and is standing in the hallway) Jeez, if looks could kill...

UTENA: Stand up straight. Don't slouch! Hey, put that ring back on!
LOU: Do I have to wear this ring? It itches.
UTENA: Hey, we've all got problems. Besides, if you win this duel, I'll KNOW that you're my prince!
LOU: (Oh, God, not with the whole prince thing again) You really should check out computer dating services, Ute.
(They reach the place where the staircase begins, but the stairs aren't there)
UTENA: Hey, what gives?
(Suddenly, all the Ohtori duelists and a few others come out of the bushes. Each one is wearing goggles and holding a gun with red spheres in a canister on the top)
TOUGA: Surprise!
UTENA: Hey! What's going on here?!
SAIONJI: We're trying a new approach for dueling for the Rose Bride.
UTENA: Why?
MIKI: Well, what with all the latest school budget cuts, Akio had to dissolve the dueling budget down to next to nothing. We can't use the battlefield up the stairs and we don't have any roses.
MIKA: Hey! I thought Akio could do whatever he wanted!
MIKI: You should have seen him in his meeting with Dr. Harvey yesterday.

AKIO: Come on! I NEED that money for my roses!
HARVEY: Hmmm... Should I give him any money?
YES-MEN: (Simultaneously) No, Dr. Harvey!
HARVEY: Nope.
AKIO: Awwww...
HARVEY: Goodbye. (Hits a button and Akio is ejected from the office)

UTENA: ...It's funny in a sad sort of way.
JURI: As you can see, we've had to change our tactics. Now every duelist in the school will be competing with every other duelist in a last-person-standing fight to the finish.
LOU: In what?
TOUGA/MIKI/SAIONJI/JURI: PAINTBALL!!!
UTENA: Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
LOU: Sounds better than dueling with roses.

SAILOR MOON: All right, folks, here's the game plan!
JURI: (Whispering) You know, her voice sounds awfully familiar...
SAILOR MOON: The six teams of players will be as follows: On the Oveila Team-
MEW: Woah, woah, woah. You're naming the teams after characters from Final Fantasy Tactics?
SAILOR MOON: Why not? It's my favorite game. (AHEM) On the Oveila Team will be Nanami, Mitsuru and Easter Island Boy.
NANAMI: Good. I've got two shields.
SAILOR MOON: On the Rafa Team will be Kozue, Shiori and Mew.
MEW: Great. I'm surrounded by women.
SAILOR MOON: On the Meliaodul Team will be Mika, Touga and Miki.
MIKI: Looks like we'll be working together.
MIKA: It'll be a pleasure.
TOUGA: Believe me, it will.
MIKA: (Sweatdrops) Oh, yeah. I forgot about him.
SAILOR MOON: On the Delita Team will be Kanae, Wakaba and Mikage.
MIKAGE: Curses! Anshi is nowhere around. How did I get myself into this?
WAKABA: Oh, quit complaining. I don't know either of you guys.
SAILOR MOON: Moving on... The Agrias Team will consist of Nova, Juri and Utena.
UTENA: Despite our past differences, please don't shoot me.
JURI: Don't worry; I won't.
NOVA: If either of you shoot the other, I'll be there to gun down the rest of ya!
JURI/UTENA: Great.
SAILOR MOON: Finally, on the Mustadio Team there's Lou, Saionji and Elliott.
ELLIOTT: Looks like we're working together again, Saionji!
(Saionji slaps him)
SAIONJI: Yes... Just like old times.
SAILOR MOON: Remember, if you get hit, you're dead. Have fun!
(Anshi is sitting behind Sailor Moon and nibbling on leftover paint projectiles)
ANSHI: (Munch munch munch) I like the green ones.

NANAMI: We'll show 'em, troops! We'll flush them out and gun 'em down! (Giddily) Ooh, I've always wanted to be a military commander!
(Akio is sitting up in the observatory with a paintball gun in his hands, observing the players)
AKIO: Perfect. Now I've got just the opportunity to knock out some of the people I don't like. I'll start with the white-haired freak down there. (He points his paintball gun and fires)
MITSURU: Oh, no! He's shooting at us!
NANAMI: Don't just sit there! Protect me! (She grabs Mitsuru and holds him up. The shot Akio fired splatters all over him)
MITSURU: Awww...
NANAMI: Oh, don't be a baby. You, Stonehenge! Get that sniper!
(Easter Island Boy looks up towards the tower where Akio was firing. The weight of his head makes him fall over and land on the ground. He can't get up)
NANAMI: Ahhh, you're worthless! (She shoots him and walks off)

MIKAGE: I'll take them all out by striking from the shadows and then I'll destroy the Rose Bride! Mwa ha ha, what a great plan!
KANAE: Umm, Mikage, aren't we supposed to stick together?
MIKAGE: You guys go on ahead. I'll catch up.
WAKABA: Well, OK... (Kanae and Wakaba leave)
MIKAGE: Any minute now, I'll have my first victim...
(As Mikage watches, Touga walks into his firing range. Mikage keeps his crosshairs on the student council president as he walks by. Just before he pulls the trigger, Touga whips around and shoots. Red paint dribbles down Mikage's crosshair)
MIKAGE: Dammit! I'm dead! I KNEW I shouldn't have loaned those James Bond movies to him!
MIKA: What was that for, Touga?
TOUGA: Just shooting at an annoying insect. I'd be honored if you were to join me for dinner tonight. You too, Miki.
MIKI: (I'm gonna puke now) Ahhh... Looking forward to it!
MIKA: (Why'd I get stuck with this loser in the first place? Ugh...)
TOUGA: Well? What do you say?
MIKA: Shut up or the others'll find us!

UTENA: Remember, we have to have strategy. If we hear someone coming, we have to separate and hide. When they show up, we all get 'em at the same time!
NOVA: Yeah, we've gotta be extra careful!
(As soon as Nova says 'extra careful,' she's hit with a gob of black paint and falls down)
JURI: (In a long, drawn-out, movie-like scene) NOOOOOVAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
NOVA: I'm not deaf. I can hear you.
UTENA: Who did that?!
(Juri and Utena look. Shiori is standing off in the bushes with a smug smile on her face. Juri boils over in rage)
JURI: YOU... YOU... YOU...
(Shiori freaks as Juri takes off after her. Juri pulls out two sub-machine paint guns and aim right at her)
JURI: REVENGE!!!! REVENGE IS MINE!!! AAAAAAH HA HA HA HAAAAA!!!! (Starts firing like crazy. Shiori's entire back becomes coated with orange paint; she falls to the ground, face down)
SHIORI: Fine, you got me. That was overkill, you know.
JURI: No it wasn't. That was for everything mean you've ever done to me!
SHIORI: Like when I cut in front of you in the lunch line in third grade?
JURI: Oh, I forgot about that. (Shoots her again)
SHIORI: (I had to open my big mouth...)
(Kozue and Mew are standing nearby, watching the spectacle)
KOZUE: Whoo! Glad I didn't make her mad.
MEW: Likewise.
JURI: Well, I'm glad that's settled.
(Juri feels someone tapping her on the shoulder. She turns around and is met by a hard slap. She falls to the ground. A huge handmark is on her face, coated in green paint. Saionji stands triumphantly over her)
SAIONJI: Never turn your back to your opponent.
(Suddenly, Saionji is splattered across the back by a black ball of paint; Mew is the only one that sees who shot it)
AKIO: Likewise.
MEW: Something stinks here, and it ain't your perfume, Kozue.
KOZUE: Oh, that's good. I wasn't sure whether I should have used 'rancid polecat' today.
MEW: I've gotta check something out. Catch you later. (Revs up his tail and flies off)
KOZUE: Now I'm all alone with three downed players. Nuts. (Almost gets hit by another shot from Akio) Aaahhh! Retreat! (Jumps into the bushes and runs away)

LOU: Where'd Saionji go?
ELLIOTT: I don't know. He said he had to "slap some sense" into some people, whatever that means.
(Suddenly, Kanae comes charging out of the bushes)
KANAE: HA! You're cornered, foreigners!
LOU: Uh-oh. Run!
(Kanae chases Lou and Elliott down a path, shooting at them every few steps. She misses; she's a very bad gunner)
KANAE: I'll hit one of you eventually! I just need time to-
(A shot from Akio knocks her down)
AKIO: (Sarcastically) Oops. I'm sooo sorry, my sweet.
(Mew flies up in front of Akio) Ha! I KNEW it was you!!!
AKIO: So? What're you going to do about it?
MEW: THIS!!!
AKIO: Hey, what the- (Mew grabs Akio and holds him in midair above the forest by only his left leg. His paintball gun falls harmlessly towards the ground)
NANAMI: Oh, I'm gonna get 'em! I'm gonna get every last one of- (Akio's paintball gun lands in front of her and goes off, splattering a big, black glob of paint all over her shirt) Nuts.
AKIO: Put me down! Put me down! I don't wanna fall out of a window again!
MEW: If you want me to put you down, you've gotta say it!
AKIO: NO! I refuse!
MEW: Have it your way. I can stay up here all day.
AKIO: Nggrrrr...

UTENA: Poor Juri. Poor Nova. I'm all alone out here now...
(Wakaba leaps out of the bushes)
WAKABA: Glomping time!!!
UTENA: Nahh. Stomping time. (Shoots Wakaba in the face; Wakaba crashes into the ground)
WAKABA: Aaaaagh! I'm blind!!!
UTENA: Try taking off your goggles.
WAKABA: (Takes off her goggles) ...I can see! I can see! It's a miracle!
UTENA: Riiiight.

TOUGA: I'm serious. You could go far as a member of the student council.
MIKA: No way.
TOUGA: I'd make it worth your while... (Wink wink)
MIKI: Should we try the strategy now, Mika?
MIKA: Oh, yes. (Whistles very loudly)
TOUGA: What's happening?
(Suddenly, everyone, including all the already-shot players, shows up and surrounds Touga. They all open fire and plaster Touga with all sorts of colors of paint)
UTENA: Come on! Don't hold back!
SAIONJI: Let 'im have it!
MIKI: I CAN SEE HIS EYES! YEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
(After about five minutes of everyone shooting at Touga, he's covered head to toe in paint)
TOUGA: (Gasping) ...Why?... (Falls)
MIKA: We all had that planned out from the start.
MIKI: Yeah. OK, normal game rules again, everyone!
(All the already-shot players fall down where they were standing and the unshot players run off into the bushes again)
MIKA: Now that he's out of it, we only have to worry about Lou, Kozue, Elliott and Utena. We'll stick together, right, Miki? Miki? Ah... Miki?
(Miki has wandered off into the forest. In a clearing he sees something)
MIKI: Hey, a piano! Ooh, I feel like playing!
(Miki runs over and sits down at the keys and starts playing 'The Sunlit Garden.')
MIKI: I wonder what a piano's doing out here... Oh, well.
(As soon as Miki hits the last note of his piece, Kozue pops out of the top of the piano)
KOZUE: Surprise!
MIKI: Waaaaahhh! What're you doing here?!
KOZUE: Gettin' revenge for you roomin' with Mika! (Shoots Miki. Black paint splatters all over him. He falls of the bench)
MIKI: The old 'piano in the middle of the forest' trick... Damn, I should have known...
KOZUE: Now for Mika! (Hops out and runs the way Miki came)
MIKA: Now where could he have gone to?
KOZUE: Ha! I've got you cornered! (Confronts Mika with her gun pointed at her)
MIKA: Now why would you want to shoot me?
KOZUE: You tried to steal my brother away from me! You tried to seduce him! You tried to make me look bad! Furthermore-
(While Kozue is explaining why she wants to shoot Mika, Mika shoots her)
KOZUE: (Looks down at the neon-green paint on her clothes) ...Oh. Touche. (Falls down)
MIKA: Hhmph! (Suddenly, Mika feels a splattering on her back. She turns around to see Elliott and Lou behind her)
ELLIOTT: I wanted to shoot Kozue!
MIKA: Why?
ELLIOTT: She shaved my eyebrows too short. They itch!
MIKA: Oh. (Falls over)
LOU: So, who's left?
(Elliott is suddenly splattered with pink paint. Lou whips around to see Utena behind him with a smoking paintball gun in her hand)
UTENA: It's just you and me, Lou. Think you can shoot a girl?
LOU: Oh, crap. (He starts to run. Utena chases him through the woods, but she doesn't shoot)
UTENA: I wouldn't want to waste ammo on such an easy target! Besides, I want to get you cornered!
LOU: How very lucky for me. YIKES!!!

ANSHI: I like the green ones. Do you like the green ones?
SAILOR MOON: Oh, I prefer the red ones. They're a bit sweeter.
ANSHI: Hmmm... (Picks up a paintball gun) How do you shoot this anyway, Sailor Moon?
SAILOR MOON: Oh, it's pretty easy. Just point at something and pull the trigger.
(Suddenly, Lou comes crashing out of the underbrush)
LOU: Aaaagh!
ANSHI: Just point and shoot?
SAILOR MOON: Yep.
(Utena comes out of the bushes a few moments after Lou. Lou has tripped and is sitting on his butt. Utena walks up to him and clicks her gun)
UTENA: Oh, I guess you weren't my prince after all. Too bad. Goodbye, Lou!
ANSHI: Utena-sama! Look at me! I can play paintball too!
(Anshi fires a shot. It hits Utena right in the head and purple paint splatters all over her. She stands still, dumbfounded)
SAILOR MOON: Well, since everyone else is shot and purple was the color Lou was using and since I'm tired and bored, I declare Lou the winner! Congratulations!
LOU: Uh... Thanks.
ANSHI: Yay! I'm your Rose Bride, Lou-sama! Look, I even come with a sword! (The sword launches out of her stomach because of the spring mechanism she installed in Lord of the Rose Rings)
LOU: Whoopee. Sorry, Utena.
UTENA: You won. You HAVE to be my prince! KISS ME, BABY!!!
LOU: What? AAAAHHHH!!! I liked you better when you were trying to shoot me! (Runs off into the forest with Utena chasing after him)

MEW: Say it.
AKIO: I WILL NOT!!!
MEW: Come on... (Loosens his grip on Akio's leg) Say it...
AKIO: OK, OK!!!
MEW: Good. Also, say it through this megaphone. (Gives Akio a megaphone)
AKIO: (SIGH) (Through the megaphone) "Attention, students of Ohtori. This is Akio Ohtori speaking. I'd like to formally apologize to everyone I've ever been naughty with..."
TOUGA: 'Bout time.
AKIO: "...And I'd also like to say that Mew the Cat is the coolest cat in the world and I'm very sorry to have tried to seduce him..."
MEW: And?
AKIO: "And... And... (Starting to cry) ..And he makes me want my mommy!"
MEW: Good. (Lets go. Akio plummets downwards, screaming for dear life. He stops inches before he hits the ground; Mew grabbed his leg again) Psyche!
AKIO: Ugh... (Vomits; it lands on Nanami, who's just getting up)
TOUGA: Well, I declare this new method of dueling to be a great success.
SAIONJI: What do you mean? We all lost the Rose Bride, even Utena.
TOUGA: Yeah, but look at my funky new clothes! (Shows off his paint-splattered uniform) I'm tie-dyed! I can get my funk on now! GROOVY!
SAIONJI: This is for your own good. (SLAP)

ELLIOTT: I'm sure this meal will be top-notch! Everyone's going to love it!
SAIONJI: (Is about to slap Elliott when he remembers the shock helmet) ...Yes.

MIKI: Well, with all the interruptions I wasn't able to teach you any music. We have to come up with something quick, or Akio'll really let me have it.
KOZUE: Yeah, the music room's still trashed from the Battlebots competition. What do we do?
MIKA: Hmmm... Hey, I've got it! Does this school have a science lab?
MIKI: Yes. What're you thinking of?
MIKA: (Grins mischeviously) You'll see.

LOU: Well, she didn't teach me much about sports, so that's out. I learned about the whole dueling system, so I shouldn't talk about it; it would bore the others to death. Awww, man, I bet everyone's got a great speech but me.
MEW: Not really. I just wrote up a petition to ask for a vote of no confidence in that Akio guy.
ANSHI: Hey, be nice to my brother, George! He gave you special attention!
MEW: No argument there... (Mutter mutter)
UTENA: You learned lots of things here, Lou! I mean, you actually figured out how to get out of the Akio car (a feat that no one else has accomplished), you won a duel and recieved the Rose Bride... and my heart...
LOU: Look, you've really gotta see a therapist about this whole 'looking for affection' complex of yours.
UTENA: (Hmmph) Well, long story short, you learned a lot of stuff here.

MEW: I'll get it!
(Mew opens the door. Mikage is standing outside holding some clothing. Unknown to everyone, there's a tazer beneath them, which he intends to destroy Anshi with)
MEW: What's this?
MIKAGE: You must dress in Ohtori attire for the dinner. Here is your uniform.
MEW: Thanks! Oh, wait, this is addressed to Lou. Where's mine?
MIKAGE: The dean prepared one specially for you. (He pulls a thin, crotchless bikini out of his pocket)
MEW: .......(HORK) (A hairball flies up into Mikage's face and knocks him out of the room; his tazer goes flying out the window in the hall)
MIKAGE: Curses! Defeated by cat puke! Urrrrgh...
UTENA: Well? Put the uniform on.
LOU: Well, OK... (Goes into the bathroom to change) AAAAAAHHHHH!!!
UTENA: Lou, what's wrong?
LOU: THIS THING!!! (The door opens and Yoda runs out, butt-naked and giggling crazily)
UTENA: Whaaaaahhh!!! (Jumps ten feet and clings to the ceiling) ...There's a little bit of radioactive spider on mom's side of the family.
ANSHI: Oh, how cute! (She grabs Yoda and squeezes him) I'm gonna love him and hug him and call him George, and squeeze him and pet him and-
YODA: Aaaagggh! Breathe, I cannot!
ANSHI: Here's your new home, George! (Stuffs Yoda in the closet)
UTENA: (Dropping down off the ceiling) That dumb puppet's been hanging around here for weeks. He wants a sequel.
LOU/MEW: Huh?
UTENA: Never mind.
MEW: (Looks back at the... thing... Akio sent him) There's no way I'm going to wear this.
ANSHI: Don't worry, George! I've got a spare uniform you can use! (Runs over to her dresser and opens a drawer; ET pops up, looking worn out and crazy)
ET: ET phone home ET phone home ET phone home...
ANSHI: Quiet, George! (Anshi grabs a uniform out of the drawer, stuffs ET back in and shuts it) Here we go, George!
LOU: ...What was ET doing in her drawer?
UTENA: Oh, she lured him in here with Reeses Pieces when his ship crashed in the forest.
LOU: Why am I not surprised?
ANSHI: Here's a uniform for you, George! Enjoy!
MEW: (Looks it over; it's a girl's uniform) Oh, well. It beats the black kleenex that Captain Happypants sent.

NOVA: Why've I got to wear this, anyway? It itches!
JURI: You have to look nice for the dean and your friends.
NOVA: Wouldn't I look nice to the dean in anything?
JURI: Hmmm... Good point.
NOVA: Oh, dang. It's too short.
JURI: What? (Oh, hot sizzlin' mama) Uh, I mean, we'd better get you a different one. I know! I've got one in my closet. Wait there.
(Juri zips off and comes back in a few moments with another uniform. Nova puts it on; it fits perfectly)
NOVA: Hey, this is great! Thanks, Juri! Uh... (She notices that the nametag with SHIORI printed on it is attached to the chest) ...Another of Shiori's things? I don't know what to say, Juri, but, uh...
(Nova notices that Juri is taking in the scent of the uniform in the back)
NOVA: ...Juri, you're scaring me.
JURI: I know. So am I.
NOVA: Yeeesh...

MIKA: Puffy sleeves?! I HATE puffy sleeves! They don't serve any purpose! What's the point of having puffy sleeves on this uniform anyway?!
KOZUE: Well, if you're in a car crash, they act as tiny airbags.
MIKA: Those wouldn't stop you from getting your head thrown through the windshield!
KOZUE: I know, but the coroner wouldn't find any unsightly shoulder bruises on your carcass.
MIKA: For the love of-
MIKI: If you dislike the sleeves that much, perhaps I could make an adjustment to them.
MIKA: Oh? Do you sew?
MIKI: Not exactly. You'll see.
KOZUE: Hey, if you do her, you've gotta do me!
(Silence)
KOZUE: ...That didn't sound right, did it?
MIKI/MIKA: No.
KOZUE: OK, what I meant was that you've gotta do the same thing to my uniform that you do to hers.
(Silence)
KOZUE: That didn't sound right either, did it?
MIKA/MIKI: No.
KOZUE: (Man, I'm having a hard time tonight) Fine. You have to change the sleeves on my uniform the same way you change the sleeves on her uniform. Does that make sense now?
MIKA/MIKI: Yes.
KOZUE: Whew! I screwed myself a few times there, didn't I?
(Silence)
KOZUE: (In Homer Simpson voice) D'OH!

AKIO: Ahem... I am very pleased that you children decided to accept our invitation to visit Ohtori Academy. Though the sessions didn't go as planned, I'm sure you all had a marvelous time. I know I did. (Winks at Mew, who whimpers and slouches) Anyway, it's time for you to show what you learned over these two weeks. Let's start with Saionji and his pupil.
(Elliott and Saionji stand up; applause)
ELLIOTT: We prepared the meal you see before you. It's a blend of Saionji's popular Ohtori recipes and a few new twists of my idea.
SAIONJI: We're sure it's quite tasty.
(Elliott slaps Saionji)
ELLIOTT: Dag nammit, you're rubbing off on me!
SAIONJI: Sorry.
(Elliott slaps him again)
ELIOTT: Stop talking! You'll set my hand off! (Regaining his composture) Well, whatever the case, I'm sure our meal will give you that 'get-up-and-go feeling!' Bon Appetite!
(Kozue, Shiori, Wakaba, Mitsuru, Mikage and Kanae all take a big bite of their dinner. After about six seconds, a horrific grumbling can be heard, and the six people have very unpleasant expressions on their faces)
WAKABA: ...I've gotta get up and go.
SHIORI: I'll race you. (All six dash off for the bathrooms)
AKIO: Marvelous. (I'll order a pizza after this is over) (Pushing his plate away, just like everyone else, including Elliott and Saionji) Well now, let's have Juri and her student go next.
(Nova and Juri stand up and quickly put on fencing helmets and gloves. They each grab fencing swords from somewhere and stand at attention)
NOVA: I got a good lesson in fencing! Watch this! (The two girls start slashing at each other over the table, knocking over candlesticks and other things)
MEW: Aaah! Watch out!
MIKI: It's like a Three Musketeers scene, but there's only one.
ANSHI: You can't make a chocolate bar out of one musketeer, silly!
(Juri and Nova finally leap into a wider space and continue fencing with each other. Juri swipes hard and Nova reels backwards)
NOVA: AAAHHH!!! MY EYE!!!
JURI: Oh, no. Did I hurt you? Let me see it...
NOVA: PSYCHE! (Jabs Juri in the rose on her chest)
JURI: (Tearfully) Oh, man! I taught you that! You're the best pupil a teacher could ask for!
(Both girls start hugging each other and crying. The audience applauds)
UTENA: Oh... (SNIFF) I'm touched.
LOU: (Making a face) So is Nova, apparently.
(Juri is massaging Nova's rear end as they hug)
NOVA: Ah ha ha... OK, that's enough. (Has to push Juri away)
JURI: Sorry. Got carried away.
AKIO: Charming. Well now, why don't we have Miki go next?
(Miki and Mika stand up; applause)
MIKI: Well, um, ah, we didn't exactly get to do a big project, err...
MIKA: (Gently nudging Miki to the side) Leave this to me, Mik. Miki and I did a lot of cool stuff. He taught me all sorts of things and all within such a short amount of time! I mean, where else are you going to learn how to clone and then shrink the entire cast of "Scooby Doo" and then keep them in a jar? (Mika pulls out a jar with the cast of "Scooby Doo" inside)
SHAGGY: Zoinks!
MIKA: But that's not all! (Throws the jar out the window) He also taught me how to make an ugly piece of clothing actually useful! Let me demonstrate. Dean Akio, you're wearing frills tonight, I see.
AKIO: Yes. Go on.
MIKA: Allow me to enhance your clothes with the enhancements Miki made to MY clothes! Finally, these damn puffy sleeves have some use! (Two small nozzles emerge from the puffy sleeves on Mika's uniform. She pulls out a control device and hits the red button. Two huge pillars of flame shoot out and fry Akio. When they cease, his frils are burned completely off)
MIKA: Ta-da! (Loud applause)
AKIO: (Coughing and smoke coming out of his mouth) Splendid. I'll have to thank Miki personally.
MIKI: (GROAN)
AKIO: Why don't we change the pace here? Nanami and Easter Island Boy have already prepared something special for us. Please direct your attention to the curtain ahead (while I put a new shirt on)...
(The curtain rises and everyone starts clapping)
ELLIOTT: Why're we clapping?
SAIONJI: Shh. Be nice.
(Nanami walks out on stage dressed in blue. A balcony is above her, where Easter Island Boy stands in a red dress)
MIKA: (Methinks they got the gender roles reversed.)
MIKI: (It might be a political thing.)
NANAMI: Halt, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
UTENA: Booooring.
LOU: (Elbowing Utena) Shush!
EASTER ISLAND BOY: ...
JURI: What's the matter? Did he forget his lines?
NOVA: No, I think he's just... petrified. (Snickering all around)
NANAMI: Ummm... (It didn't go like this in rehersal)... She speaks! Oh, speak again, bright angel! For thou art as glorious to this night, being o'er my head, as is a winged messenger from heaven-
AKIO: (YAWN) As if.
NANAMI: ...Unto the white-upturned wond'ring eyes, blah blah blah blah
MIKI: Woah.
MIKA: Yeah, I know the words just seem to blur together after a while.
MIKI: No, she really DID say "blah blah blah blah."
MIKA: Man, that IS creepy.
NANAMI: ...(OK, rockhead, here's your big line. Say something, for pete's sake!)
EASTER ISLAND BOY: ... (The balcony collapses under the weight of his head and he falls on Nanami and flattens her. Laughter shoots through the room)
JURI: Oh, this is rich!
SAIONJI: A classic!
TOUGA: Encore! Encore!
(Nanami grins sheepishly and drags Easter Island Boy offstage. They disappear)
AKIO: (Wiping the tears of laughter off of his face) Oh, that was nice. How about you, Anshi? What did you and you very, very nice pupil do?
ANSHI: I sat and watched people shoot paint at each other and George dangled you over the woods! That sure was fun!
MEW: Yeah, loads of fun. Especially when you said you wanted your mommy. (Laughter through the whole room)
AKIO:(Not smiling anymore) Yes... charming. Next, please.
(Utena and Lou stand up)
AKIO: Oh... Utena, what have you and your student done?
UTENA: Well, we played sports and shot at each other in paintball... Which brings me to an announcement I must make. I'm leaving the academy with Lou tomorrow.
JURI: What?!
SAIONJI: No way!
MIKI: She's mad, I tell you! Mad!
UTENA: Lou's proven to me that he's the prince that I've been waiting for so long, and I can't deny myself anymore. I'm going with him!
LOU: Hey, you're nuts! This isn't that "Who wants to marry an American Cartoon" show! You're bonkers, Utena!
UTENA: Then I'm bonkers AND I'm coming with you! You've proven that you're my prince! (Smooches Lou on the cheek; he makes a face)
AKIO/TOUGA: Awww, nuts. (Snap their fingers crossly)
LOU: (Sighs crossly) Fine. I guess it wouldn't hurt.
NOVA: Lou, are you crazy? Your mom won't even let you bring Mew into the house, let alone some girl she's never met before who claims that you're her prince and brings her toadie along with her!
ANSHI: I'm not a toad. I'm the Rose Bride!
NOVA: Whatever.
LOU: So, I guess she'll be going back home with us come tomorrow. (Once we get home she'll probably find some other guy she likes better and I'll be rid of her)
ANSHI: Ooh! Ooh! I'm coming too! You won me, remember?
LOU: Oh, yeah. (OK, maybe they'll both leave)
MIKA: Fat chance.
AKIO: (Curses. My plans for world domination are ruined. Well, I suppose I could always be a jiggolo...)
LOU: So I propose a toast to this fine school and all its faculty for treating us so handsomely, even though we are badly-drawn, silly-looking American cartoons.
EVERYONE: Here, here! (They raise their glasses)
ELLIOTT: Saionji, the random iced drink in Lou's glass looks different from the rest of ours.
SAIONJI: We ran out of blue-cherry Kool-Aid, so I gave him something else.
UTENA: (Overhearing this) Oh, NO...
LOU: (Sip) Ah, mango juice.
MIKI/SAIONJI/TOUGA/JURI/UTENA/AKIO: OH, NO!!!
LOU: What?
(As soon as the words 'ah, mango juice' are uttered, the ground begins to rumble)
MIKA: What's happening?! This was never in the show!
NOVA: Hey, look at what's happening outside!
(Everyone rushes to the windows that look out over the dueling forests. The first thing noticeable is that Akio's car is parked on the curb nearby. The next thing that catches the eye is that the huge, upside-down castle above the dueling arena is falling down to earth)
ELLIOTT: Oh, boy...
MIKA: Holy Scheznitt!
(The castle crashed through the arena; broken metal and glass go flying everywhere. The castle then plummets straight towards...)
AKIO: No, NOT THE CAR!!!
(The whole collapsing castle crashes onto the car. A huge CRASH is heard, and then the whole mess mysteriously goes up in a mushroom cloud. When the cloud clears, everyone runs outside to look; all that remains is a huge crater and a lisence plate)
LOU: Uh... Oops?
(Akio turns around and looks at Lou, his eyes bulging with murderous rage and his teeth gnashing together. Flecks of foam jump out from between his teeth and spatter across his shirt)
MEW: Is he angry?
UTENA: Oh, yes.
ANSHI: Ooh, he looks just like Mt. Vesuvius before it blew up!
MIKI: RUN!!!
(Akio roars angrily and explodes in a mushroom cloud himself. Everyone takes this opportunity to run away)
LOU: Where do we go now?
UTENA: We can't stay here. Looks like we're goin' home early.
LOU: Oh, yes, we. Of course.
MIKA: Where can we run? We can't escape from the school.
MIKI: Relax. I have an idea.

CHAPTER 7
THE LONG-AWAITED CAR CHASE SCENE
(The LW kids are following Miki down a flight of steps into Ohtori's basement)
LOU: What's down here, Miki?
MIKI: You'll see.
(The group enters the basement. Cars are lined up in several rows)
NOVA: Cool! You guys have a garage?
(Elliott is walking along and reading the names on the cars' lisence plates)
ELLIOTT: "Shiori, Kozue, Mitsuru..." Man, all the students here have cars?
MIKA: Well, Not exactly.
ELLIOTT: ???
MIKA: I'll explain later, Elliott.
NOVA: Hey, it's the Batmobile! And the Bond car!
MIKI: What? Funny, I don't remember those being there.
NOVA: (Gasps) Ooh, it's Benny the Cab!
BENNY: Outta my way, pencil neck! (Runs Miki over as he drives out)
MIKI: Urrrrrgh... I forgot about him...
MEW: (Looking around) Hey, where'd Juri, Saionji and Touga take off to?
MIKI: (Getting up and dusting himself off) Relax. We'll meet you guys later. Go on down to the end of the hall; you'll find what you need. (Turns around and leaves)
MIKA: Well, OK, Mr. Vague.
LOU: Down the hall, huh? C'mon, Mew.
UTENA: Hey, wait for us! (The rest of the group follows Mew and Lou as they run through the garage)
(When they reach the end of the hall, there's nothing there)
NOVA: Oops. Maybe Miki's directionally-challenged and he meant we should have gone left.
ELLIOTT: Now what do we do?
UTENA: Just watch.
LOU: Huh? This ring thingy's glowing...
(Lou's Rose Ring flies off and hovers in mid air. A gigantic car wash emerges from the floor, encasing Mew inside of it)
MEW: Why me? Why is it always me?!
NOVA: What, so Mew's gonna get all shiny and wet. So what?
UTENA: Just keep watching.
MIKA: ...My God, that's the Car Wash of Doom!
LOU: You certainly have a flair for the dramatic.
(After a lot of whirring and humming and steam flying everywhere, the car wash disappears. All that remains in the center is a gray hot rod)
LOU: Uh... Where's Mew?
UTENA: (Grins slyly) Check out the lisence plate.
(Lou bends over and looks. The word MEW is written on the lisence plate)
LOU: ...I am stupiefied as to what has just happened.
ANSHI: Where'd George go? This lisence plate says 'Moo.' Where's George?!
MIKA: (Looking at the camera) Don't tell her; she might crack.
NOVA: Who cares what it says? Let's drive away with it!
ELLIOTT: One problem; we don't have any keys.
UTENA: Oh, we have a key.
LOU: Really? What?
UTENA: The ring, dumbass.
LOU: Oh. Well, whatever you say. You seem to know this stuff better than the rest of us.
UTENA: (Happily) Thank you!
(The party piles into the Mew Car; Lou and Utena ride in front while the others sit in the back)
LOU: And away we go! (Starts up the car; it goes in reverse and crashes out the back wall and starts driving backwards on a long, black highway)
MIKA: Lou, what kind of driver's ed did you take to have such lousy skills?!
LOU: Driver's ed?
MIKA: You mean you NEVER TOOK DRIVER'S ED?!
LOU: Well, I took a crash course...
MIKA: (Sweatdrops) NOW he tells me.
MEW: OWWW, My butt!
LOU: Mew? You're still here?!
MEW: Come on, Lou! I'm the freakin' car!
NOVA: What? YOU'RE the car?!
MEW: What did you expect, some Transformer?
MIKA: Well, that would explain all the hair in the back seat. Ewww.
ANSHI: (Happily) George! You're alive!
MEW: Anyway, just relax; I'LL drive. (The car spins around and rights itself before accelerating)
UTENA: Let's see what's on the radio.
LOU: (Glances over) Looks like a lot of dials and numbers.
UTENA: YOU know what I mean. (turns on the radio; a lot of horrible sounds shoot out)
RADIO: KROK! MUSIC THAT MAKES YOU DEEEAAAAAFFFF!!!
UTENA: No thank you. (Changes the station; now it's all static)
RADIO: KFUZ! Moofic fo diftoddod yu can't tell va I fayig!
UTENA: What? (Changes the station again; silence)
RADIO: KEEK! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
LOU: Nothing good on, huh?
UTENA: Oh, shut up. I'm sure there's something good on. (Hits the dial again)
RADIO: Ah's farmin' an' horsin' and guttin' hogs, gonna sit down n' eat me some dogs, YODELAAYYYYIHOOOOO~
EVERYONE: COUNTRY?! AAAAHHHH!!! (Utena shuts the radio off)
MIKA: (Glancing backwards) Uh, guys... I think we've got company.
LOU: Huh? (Looks in the rear view mirror; about a hundred of the strange cars the group saw in the garage are tailing the Mew Car)
NOVA: This is bad, isn't it?
MEW: Quite.
ELLIOTT: What should we do?
MIKA: Let's destroy 'em and get away that way!
ANSHI: How do we blow up cars without weapons?
ELLIOTT: ...Oh, dear. I hadn't thought of that.
(Suddenly, a loud SCREECH is heard. Everyone looks to the left as Miki, Touga, Nanami, Easter Island Boy, Saionji and Juri pull up in a jeep with a lisence plate that reads WAKABA; Miki is driving)
MIKA: Oh, hi, Miki.
NOVA: Hey, cool pickup truck!
MIKI: It's a jeep.
NOVA: Whatever.
JURI: We've come to help you fight off the killer cars.
SAIONJI: Remember, when we get out of here, I'll be there to seduce you.
LOU: Keep you movie quotes to yourself! We're in enough trouble as it is!
EASTER ISLAND BOY: ...
(The enemy cars roar furiously and pick up speed)
JURI: Time to, as they say, "rock and roll."
TOUGA: (Produces a paintball gun) Let's rock. (Shoots a few cars with the paint; they swerve off the highway and blow up)
SAIONJI: Hasta La Vista, baby! (Yanks out a bottle of champaigne)
ELLIOTT: Uh... That's booze, Saionji. What're you going to do with it?
ANSHI: I know! I know! You're gonna drink it , that crazy music'll start playing and you'll turn into Popeye!
SAIONJI: ...No. (Shakes it up really fast and aims at a car. The cork pops out and smashes into the car's engine, making it explode and take a few other cars with it)
UTENA: ...OK... Well, it got the job done. But that was just one bottle...
SAIONJI: I've got a whole crate. (Pulls out a huge crate with about 20 champaigne bottles in it)
ELLIOTT: I wondered what all that stuff was for!
MIKI: Let's give 'em heck! (Yanks out an old tommy gun and detonates about six cars in three seconds)
MIKA: (A little blushy) Woah, where'd you get that gun?!
MIKI: Oh, I ripped it off some Dick Tracy crook.
(The duelists continue to blow up cars until there's almost none left. Only two cars remain; one has the lisence plate KOZUE and the other has the lisence plate SHIORI)
NOVA: That's got to break a record somewhere.
ELLIOTT: Nyahhh nyahhh! There's just two of you guys left! Bleeeahhhhh!!! (Stands up in the backseat and...)
KOZUE CAR: I think he's mooning us.
SHIORI CAR: Good. Time for some target practice! (A huge heat-seeking missile launcher pops out of the back of the Shiori Car and fires a projectile)
ELLIOTT: Uh-oh. (Sits down quickly)
MIKA: Yechh. At least put your pants back on.
NANAMI: Great, they fired a missile! Now what?
TOUGA: We launch something to throw it off course.
NANAMI: Like what?
(Touga pulls a lever and Nanami is ejected from the jeep)
NANAMI: BIG BROTHER, HOW COULD YOU?! (The missile hits her and blows up)
MIKA: (Whew) Two birds with one stone.
MEW CAR: That wasn't very nice.
MIKI: She probably would have ended up mailing you to Abu Dhabi anyway.
SAIONJI: No, no, no. Garfield mails cats to Abu Dhabi. Nanami throws them over waterfalls.
MIKI: Oh, yeah.
KOZUE CAR: You missed.
SHIORI: I won't this time! (Launches another missile)
LOU: Uh-oh.
TOUGA: Launch distraction two! (Pulls a lever and Easter Island Boy is ejected from the car. The missile ignores him and keeps coming at the group)
TOUGA: I don't get it. Why didn't it work?
NOVA: He's a friggin' stone head! HELLO!
TOUGA: (Bites his lip in a whiny tone) Stop yelling at me.
UTENA: Now what?
JURI: (Tearfully) Shiori, how could you?! That does it! (Juri leaps up onto the back of the jeep and glares the missile down)
SAIONJI: Juri, are you nuts?!
MIKA: You'll be blown to smithereens!
JURI: NO WAY!!! GRAAAAAAHHHHH!!! JURI MAD!!! (Her eyes bulge out and she foams at the mouth)
LOU: I'm not saying anything.
JURI: RAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (Grabs the missile as it flies in and throws it back at the two cars; it blows up the Kozue Car)
MIKI: Great. She's really gonna let me have it now.
SHIORI CAR: You missed! Nyah nyaaaahhh!
JURI: NOT THIS TIME!!! (Yanks off her locket and throws it at the Shiori Car. It gets sucked up into the engine and sparks start shooting out)
SHIORI CAR: ...I'm gone. (Explodes)
NOVA: YES!!! We got 'em all!
UTENA: Well, now comes the tough part.
LOU: What do you mean?
ANSHI: She means that!
(The huge castle is rolling along on a mass of tank treads up ahead of them)
LOU: Uh-oh...
MEW CAR: Lemme handle this! I'll get us outta here!
(Suddenly, a ghostly voice speaks)
OBI-WAN'S GHOST: Use the force, Mew.
MIKA: That joke's been used so many times, it's expired.
(Followed by the Wakaba Jeep, Mew Car weaves through the whole tank mess with expert precision. Unfortunately, when they get to the end of it...)
NOVA: Yay, we cleared it!
MIKA: (Looking up) Don't be so sure...
ELLIOTT: Mama pus-bucket...
(A gargantuan Akio in Dios clothing is towering over them with an evil smirk. He grabs two of the tank treads and starts to squish the cars between them)
MIKA: Dammit! Why won't you go away?!
LOU: Now what do we do?!
UTENA: Don't look at me! Anshi was driving last time!
ANSHI: I dunno. George's controls are different from yours.
MEW CAR: Pull the lever!!!
LOU/UTENA: Which one? Which one?! WHICH ONE?!
(A little sign that reads 'THIS ONE, STUPID' pops up next to a green lever. Lou pulls it. Mew Car rockets upwards until it is level with Akio's... ah... you know... and does a 180 so his tail is facing it)
MEW: Here's what you wanted all along! (Mew's Tail becomes a sharp lance and thrusts itself straight into the target; Akio's facial expression changes immensely)
AKIO: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! DAMN YOU, CAT!!!!!! (He explodes in a huge shower of light; the Mew Car begins to crumble)
ANSHI: We're falling apart!
MIKA: I know what comes next and it's NOT pleasant.
(The Mew Car explodes. The next thing visible is a set of wheels and two sets of seats rolling along the highway; Mew is sitting in the front between Lou and Utena, and something is amiss)
LOU: Suddenly I feel a draft.
ANSHI: Hey, my hair unbraided itself!
MIKA: (Looking down) Oh, geez, I KNEW IT...
(Everyone glances down)
EVERYONE: OH, YUCK!!!
NOVA: AAAHHHH!!! Now I know why I don't look in the mirror!
ELLIOTT: I can't be disgusted by what I can't see! (Takes off his glasses)
LOU: Shields up, Mr. Worf. (Takes his hat off and puts it in the offending area; another hat is underneath the first one, so he pulls it down over his eyes)
UTENA: Yep, I knew this was going to happen!
MIKA: So... WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?!
UTENA: I wanted to see what your reaction would be.
LOU: (Lifting his hat up) Hey, look! It's the 26-B to Nutley! Right on schedule, too!
(A bus has pulled up and is driving alongside the ruined car)
BUS DRIVER: And to your left is a group of naked Ohtori students.
UTENA: And proud OF it!
MEW: Shut up.
LOU: Hey, do you make a stop at the airport?
NOVA: How about the nearest Gap?

SHIORI: Damn, I had no idea Juri was so powerful when angry...
KOZUE: My big brother likes that Mika chick! ARRRGH!
SHIORI: More to the point, how do we get back to the school?
(A pickup truck drives up and slows down. The name ANAKIN is written on the lisence plate)
JAR JAR BINKS: Hello, boyos! Need a wide?
(Kozue and Shiori look at each other)
KOZUE/SHIORI: Aww, hell, why not?
(They get in the back of the pickup truck and drive off)

LOU: I'd say that overall it was a pretty nice stay.
NOVA: It was fun, but too weird for me to actually attend...
ELLIOTT: Ditto. Just give me plain old anal public school.
MEW: Ugh. I'm never going back there again.
MIKA: That's where we're different. I'm submitting a transcript!
LOU: Oh, boy.
UTENA: Well, I know I'm going to enjoy seeing where YOU live now...
LOU: You really need help, Ute.
NOVA: Don't send her to therapy, Lou! She'll become a radical feminist! Believe me, it happened to my aunt.
ELLIOTT: Come on, Lou. You've got a knockout chick who's practically drooling over you. Why can't you just enjoy it?
LOU: Damn my boy scout conscience.
(A flight attendant approaches the group)
ATTENDANT: Um, Mr. Smith?
LOU: That's me.
ATTENDANT: It's about your friend.
LOU: My friend?
ATTENDANT: Your exotic friend.
UTENA: She must be talking about Anshi.
LOU: What about her?
ATTENDANT: Well, sir, the bathrooms on this airplane work on a vacuum-flush system...
LOU: Yeah?
ATTENDANT: ...And she's losing her grip. I- (Glances out the window) There she goes!
LOU: No need to panic.
UTENA: Yeah, she'll find us eventually.

AKIO: You mean to tell me that THEY GOT AWAY?!
KOZUE: I'm sorry, sir.
AKIO: You... you... you...
SHIORI: A thousand pardons, sir!
AKIO: (Starting to boil over) YOUUUUUU...
KOZUE: I'm outta here! (Takes off)
SHIORI: Kozue, wait! (Turns around to see Akio advancing towards her) Uh-oh...
AKIO: GRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! (Through the miracle of computer animation, Akio's jaw drops down to almost his stomach as Shiori's skin and bodily fluids fly out of her and into his mouth. He drops a dried husk of Shiori to the ground and stalks off. He doesn't know that Juri and Kozue were watching from the doorway)
KOZUE: Woah. Are you sure his name isn't 'Akio Ihmotep?'
JURI: Shiori's gone... (SNIFFLE)... (Perks up) Oh, well. That means I can start dating again!
KOZUE: Do you have anyone in mind?
(Akio has walked over to his medicine cabinet)
AKIO: Oh... My darling Mew the Cat... He's gone forever... Oh... (SOB)... I need some consoling. (He reaches into the medicine cabinet and pulls out a pack of red pills) Funny, I don't remember having these. I wonder what they do? Hmm... Let's find out.

MIKI: Man, I'm going to miss those crazy kids. I kind of wish they were still here to keep me company.
SINISTER VOICE: Hey, cheer up, blah. You still have me, blah!
MIKI: Oh, for the love of- (Opens the piano and sees Count Mikelangelo inside) You again?! Get lost!
MIKELANGELO: Oh, you're no fun, blah. I think I'll go see someone else, blah. (Jumps out the window)
MIKI: Sheesh.

TOUGA: Goggles... check. Paint-proof vest... check. (Bangs on crotch; a metal sound is heard) ...check. OK, I'm all set for my duel this afternoon!
NANAMI: Boy, you're really into paintball now, huh?
TOUGA: With the school's newly-reduced budget, we have to find new ways to duel. Why not this?
NANAMI: I see your point. (Glances out the window) Hey, Mikage's right below us.
TOUGA: Stand aside! (Hangs out the window and shoots; paint splatters all over Mikage)
MIKAGE: Aaaagh! The paint gods are punishing me! (Flees from the area while Touga keeps firing)
TOUGA: I... could get used to this.
(Suddenly, the door is knocked down and two guys in light-brown suits and holding blue guns come into the room)
TOUGA: Curses, it's the Ghostbusters! They've found me at last!
GHOSTBUSTER 1: There he is! Get him!
GHOSTBUSTER 2: This'll teach him to sneak out of the water tank!
(Touga dashes down the hall and out of the building as the Ghostbusters chase him to the tune of their own theme song)
NANAMI: I guess big brother's in trouble.
(Easter Island Boy walks in)
EASTER ISLAND BOY: ...
NANAMI: What're you still doing here? The seminar's over.
EASTER ISLAND BOY: ...
NANAMI: Wait, don't stand there. There's a weak spot in the floor and if you stand on it for long-
(Touga's entire floor collapses and sends Nanami and Easter Island Boy plummeting into the cafeteria, where Saionji is cooking breakfast)
SAIONJI: Nice of you to "drop" in.
NANAMI: That's a really bad pun, Saionji.
SAIONJI: Of course.
NANAMI: Hey, you didn't slap me! What's up?
SAIONJI: That? Oh, I've been in therapy.

SAIONJI: (Stands up) Uh... My name is Saionji, and I... I... (Starts crying) I slap people!
EVERYONE: Hi, Saionji!

NANAMI: Ooooookaaayyyyy...
SAIONJI: Yeah, I do a lot better now. (He cracks an egg open and plops the contents onto a skillet; there's a beak in the yolk) AAAAAAHHHHH!!! (Runs away in disgust, bangs his head into a well-placed iron mallet and knocks himself out)
NANAMI: ...I guess the whole thing Touga says was right. Oh, well. I guess I'll be making breakfast today. I wonder if there's any phantom spice?
(An elephant falls on her)
EASTER ISLAND BOY: ...
(The floor cracks under him and he falls down another floor)

JURI: I used to go for looks, but that doesn't appeal to me anymore. What I'm looking for in a partner is commitment. You seem to be a loyal person. OK, I'll be blunt: I like you. Do you think we could see each other again?
(Sailor Moon is tied up in a chair across from Juri)
SAILOR MOON: What? Yeah, sure! Anything you say. (Maybe if I try really hard I can break free of these ropes)
(Sailor Moon struggles for a moment before her entire chair falls on its side)
JURI: Are you OK, Sailor Moon?
SAILOR MOON: Me? Yeah, I'm just peachy... When did you want to see me again?

MIKI: I miss those American kids. They were pretty neat.
KOZUE: Oh, really? (She gives him the evil eye)
MIKI: Hey, don't be trashing on me. You're the one that shaved Elliott's eyebrows in the bathtub.
KOZUE: (An expression of surprise appears on her face) ...Oh, yeah.
MIKI: Well, I drove Count Mikelangelo off again. I wonder where he went?

SAIONJI: Oh, what a day... But I managed to get through it without slapping anybody.
MIKELANGELO: Ah, hello, blah! Would you mind renting your room out to an honest vampire, blah?
SAIONJI: (Snaps) AAAAAAAHHHHH!!! (Grabs Mikelangelo by the collar, slaps him silly and then throws him out the window) ...Oh, nuts. I reverted! I HATE MYSELF!!! (Starts crying and sucking his thumb)

KOZUE: Well, that answers your question, I hope.
MIKI: Say Kozue, are you OK? I hope the car crash didn't do anything.
KOZUE: Me? Nawww... but there is one little problem. Whenever I tap my forehead... (She does this and her eyes light up)
MIKI: (Winces) Ooh, that IS a problem. I'd see a doctor.

MIKI: Utena?! What're you doing back here? I thought you went to the United States...
UTENA: I did. And then I came back.
MIKI: But why?
UTENA: (Breaking down) The age of consent over there is 16! I can't wait for two whole years! (Stops crying and gets happy again) So I'm gonna stay here another two years and then go back! (Leaves the room)
KOZUE: .........Well, someone's an eager beaver.
MIKI: She's been hanging around you for too long.
(Suddenly, both are surprised when Akio hauls himself up onto the back of the couch. He's obviously drugged up; his pupils are teeny-tiny and he has the little popping bubbles floating around his head)
AKIO: (Slurring) Drugs destroy dreams! Just like me! Just say no! Stay in school! Geooooorge Washington Briiiiidge, George Washington Washington~ (Passes out on the floor; Miki and Kozue look at each other, shrug and go back to watching their show)

(Cut scene to Anshi, who is doing the backstroke through the ocean and whistling Sousa's "Liberty Bell" as she floats towards the United States)

MIKI: Hello. I'm Miki.
UTENA: I'm Utena. We're here to show you some parts of Lou's stay at Ohtori that were previously unreleased because they either made no sense or weren't relevant, or nonexistant altogether.
MIKI: We've got some pretty interesting stuff for you readers tonight. So stay tuned! (Whispering to Utena) Are you sure we have enough to fill a whole chapter's length?
UTENA: (Whispering back) Sure I'm sure! And just to insure that, I added some of my own at the end... (Yelling offstage) Roll the clip, guys! This is why Anshi wasn't allowed to shoot anything in the paintball competition.
MIKI: You mean besides the fact that she's the Rose Bride?
UTENA: Shut up.

DELETED SCENE 1: ANSHI IN PAINTBALL
(Anshi and Utena are paired up as a group as they walk through the forest with their paintball guns at the ready)

ANSHI: We're a super team, Utena-sama!
UTENA: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, keep your voice down, Anshi. We don't wanna get shot, so be quiet.
ANSHI: OK, I'll be quiet, Utena-sama!
UTENA: Anshi, I'm serious. Be quiet.
ANSHI: (Whispering) OK, Utena-sama!
(The two keep walking for a few moments before Anshi starts humming to herself. In a few moments, she's singing)
ANSHI: I am singing the quiet song, the quiet song, the quiet song... (getting louder) I am SINGING THE QUIET SONG, AND NOW I~
UTENA: (Finally fed up) OK, that's it. Anshi, I really hate to do this to you, but...
(Utena shoots Anshi. The pink paint splatters all over Anshi's uniform. She just stares at Utena)
ANSHI: Do what, Utena-sama?
UTENA: You're DEAD, Anshi. You can't move or talk.
ANSHI: Oh. I'm dead, Utena-sama! (She gives a little squeak and falls over)
UTENA: Good. Stay there. (Utena stomps off into the bushes)
ANSHI: I am singing the quiet song, the quiet song, the quiet song~

M IKI: I can see why you wouldn't want her there.
UTENA: Yeah, and to top it off, she got ME doin' it! Roll the clip!

UTENA: I am singing the quiet song, the quiet~ DANG! She got me doing it!
MIKI: Hey, there she is! Get 'er!
UTENA: Oh, CRAP! (Utena tries to run, but Miki and Kozue show up and plaster her with blue and black paint)

MIKI: Ah ha ha! Oh, that was a classic!
UTENA: You've always wanted to shoot me in the butt, haven't you?
MIKI: That was Kozue, I swear. Check the color of the paint stain on your panties!
UTENA: Let's save that exciting chore for another time, shall we? OK, next up, here's Miki and Touga in a cut scene that involves Touga's speaking skills.

DELETED SCENE 2: MARBLE MADNESS
(Touga is sitting at a desk with Miki standing in front of him. Miki is holding his stopwatch and watching it intently)

TOUGA: ..."If it cannot hatch from its shell, the chick will die without truly being born. We are the chick. The world is our egg. If we don't crack the world's shell we will die without truly being born. Smash the world's shell. For the revolution of the world."
MIKI: (Clicks his stopwatch) Hmm... twenty-five seconds. Not bad.
TOUGA: That's a new record, isn't it? I'm proud of myselves.
MIKI: All right, now let's try it with peanut butter.
TOUGA: Got it, coach! (Touga takes a jar of peanut butter and fills his mouth full of it) Weafy!
MIKI: OK, go. (Clicks stopwatch)
TOUGA: "Ickff iff cinoof hafff fum iff fell, va fiff fill bye fiffouff pooly beif bowff. Fe aff da fiff. Va furl if off eff. If fe doff fraff va furl'f fell fe fill bye fiffouff pooly beif bowff. Fmaff va furl'f fell. For da feffowoofunn of va furl."
MIKI: (Clicks his watch again) Oh, geez. That was more than twice as long! You've got to work on your peanut-butter speeches, Touga.
TOUGA: How'm Ah f'poffed ta fpeek righf if I'ff goff feeniff vuffer in ma mouff?!
MIKI: Don't worry about it. Now then... (Takes a hose and sprays Touga; all the peanut butter falls out) Let's try it with marbles. (Takes a huge bag of marbles and pours them into Touga's mouth)
TOUGA: Ah cahh breee!
MIKI: Just try saying the phrase, OK? Then I'll take them out.
TOUGA: (Sighs) "Ih ih cahah hahh huh ih hehh, he hihh hihh hy hihouhh-" (GULP) Oh hoh. Ah hwahhoheh hun!
MIKI: You swallowed one?! Oh, nuts. Hey, let's have some fun while you've got those in your mouth.
TOUGA: Huhh?
MIKI: This way... (Leads Touga out to a window) See? You can take shots at anyone up here.
TOUGA: Oh... Ah hee...
MIKI: For example, there's Saionji. Let 'er rip! (Miki slaps Touga on the back. Touga coughs three marbles out. They fly down and knock Saionji to the ground)
SAIONJI: OW!!!
TOUGA: (Smiling through the marbles) Hohh hihh. Hih IH huh.
MIKI: Exactly. This IS fun, isn't it? Hey, there's Juri!
TOUGA: HIRE! (Miki slaps Touga on the back and he hacks out five marbles. They pelt Juri and send her flying into the fountain)
JURI: Aiiiiiyaaaahhhh!!!
TOUGA: Ooh! Ooh! Hiawii! Hiawii!
MIKI: What? Oh, Shiori! OK, lock and load, pal! FIRE! (Miki slaps Touga on the back and he hacks out the rest of the marbles. At the last moment, Shiori ducks and a horrible CRASH is heard, followed by shattering glass and a car alarm)
TOUGA: ...Uh-oh.
MIKI: Cheese it!
(The two run out of the room as Akio runs out of the tower and sees that his car has been wrecked by a barrage of marbles)
AKIO: ANIMAL HOUSE!!!

UTENA: Oh, that was a fun one! I wish we HAD put that in.
MIKI: But it didn't have anything to do with Lou's visit. I could have done it any other day the same way.
UTENA: Not really. There wasn't any wind that day, which is a rarity around here.
MIKI: Right. Well, here's our next clip, with one of my favorite one-spoof extras, Count Mikelangelo.
UTENA: I thought you hated him.
MIKI: Yeah, but renting my room out to him gives me a tax break.

DELETED SCENE 3- MIKELANGELO VS AKIO
(Akio is walking into the observatory after a hard days work of trying to seduce the LW kids and failing)

AKIO: Those dang American-drawn cartoons... they must have a natural resistance to my sex appeal. What can I do to hook them?... Hmmm...
(Akio doesn't notice Count Mikelangelo hiding in the shadows behind the telescope. Suddenly, the vampire leaps out and confronts him)
MIKELANGELO: Ah ha, blah! You're all alone, blah! I will dine on your blood, blah!
AKIO: What? You're a vampire, aren't you?
MIKELANGELO: Look, everyone, blah! We've got a brainiac, blah!
AKIO: Hmmm... I've never had a vampire before...
MIKELANGELO: Say what, blah?
AKIO: (Walking towards Mikelangelo) Come here, count. I'll take reeeeal good care of you.
MIKELANGELO: I think I made a mistake, blah...
(Mikelangelo tries to run, but Akio grabs him and sinks his teeth into the vampire's neck)
MIKELANGELO: Hey, I'm the vampire here, blah! Who's biting who, blah?!
(Suddenly, the full moon comes out. Mikelangelo cringes and bends down. His hair turns purple, his skin turns brown, a small dot appears on his forehead and his clothes turn frilly; he's become another Akio)
MIKELANGELO: (Sees his reflection in the telescope) AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
AKIO: Well, I didn't expect THAT to happen.
MIKELANGELO: What have you done to me, blah?! Well, at least my voice is the same, blah.
AKIO: You know what? Frills really turn me on. Come here.
MIKELANGELO: I can't win this one, blah! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

UTENA: .................OK, who put this one in here?!
MIKI: (Snickering)
UTENA: OK, fine, wise guy. Here's one that I put in. Here's Miki and Mika in the chem lab.
MIKI: (Gasps) Oh, no! NOT THAT ONE!!!
UTENA: Roll it, boys.
MIKI: You said you wouldn't show that one!!!
UTENA: I lied.

DELETED SCENE 4- THINGS GET HAIRY
(Mika and Miki are in the chemistry lab. Mika is working with a bunsen burner on one side of the table, while Miki is pouring chemicals in and out of each other on the other side)

MIKI: Chemistry is my favorite class.
MIKA: Mine too!
MIKI: Well, let's see what I've got here... (Takes the beaker he's holding and drinks its contents; he gets all hairy and fanged and snarls menacingly)
MIKA: Oh, not again. Miki, would you mind not testing your werewolf formula? You always shed on my experiments.
MIKI: (In a scary, gruff voice) Sorry. I'll try something else.
(Miki mixes two chemicals into another beaker and drinks it; he turns into an ostrich)
MIKA: Thanks.
MIKI: No problem.
(Kozue and Shiori walk into the lab)
MIKI: Oh, crap! It's Kozue! (Hides his head under the table)
KOZUE: Hey, look! It's a llama!
SHIROI: No, Kozue, that's an ostrich.
KOZUE: What's it doing in the chemistry lab?
MIKA: Uh... It's... it's caring for its young!
SHIORI: Surely you jest.
MIKA: No, really, look!
(Everyone looks; there's a nest of what appear to be eggs beneath Miki)
KOZUE: Woah.
MIKA: See?
SHIORI: (Looks closer) Those aren't ostrich eggs; they're Hare Krishnas.
HARE KRISHNA 1: Help! We fell into this whole years ago and can't get out!
KOZUE: Oh, so THAT'S where those voices come from when I'm working in here!
SHIORI: Whatever. Let's just go. (Shiori and Kozue leave; Miki pulls his head back up again)
MIKI: Whew... That was close.
MIKA: Just be glad you didn't give yourself away.
(Miki lays an egg; it bounces around on the ground and rolls into a corner)
MIKA: .........That's it, I'm out of here.
MIKI: Wait! Ostriches can't mix chemicals! I need your help! Hey! Aw, nuts.
(The egg hatches and a small version of Miki walks out)
MINI-MIKI: Need some help?
MIKI: Yikes.

UTENA: So what happened to Mini-Miki?
MIKI: He got taken away for Disney copyright infringement. I heard they're gonna use him in Tarzan II.
UTENA: OK then. Hey, here's a few scenes of my own! (Utena holds up very badly-drawn pictures of the characters' faces and begins imitating their voices) Hi, I'm Saionji. I'm just a pain in the neck and I like slapping people! Hi, I'm Anshi! Rabbit dance, rabbit dance, rabbit dance! Hi, I'm Miki. Click, click, click!
MIKI: Watch it.
UTENA: Look, I'm Nanami! Ooh, Nanami doesn't like it when people make fun of her for referring to herself in third person! Nanami'll put you in a box and throw you over the waterfall! Hi, I'm Touga. Bees are attracted to my head because they think it's a strawberry!

TOUGA: Not ONE word.

UTENA: Hey, I'm Akio! Let's get BIZ-AY!
MIKI: OK, before everyone changes the channel, let's get on to a REAL deleted scene, shall we?

DELETED SCENE 5- A KEY SCENE
(Elliott walks over to the Akio car, takes his set of keys and slashes them across the paint job, leaving huge scratches. Akio walks up behind him)

AKIO: (AHEM) Excuse me, but why are you doing that to my car?
ELLIOTT: For the same reason the squid's eating Touga. (Points)
(Everyone looks where Elliott is pointing. A giant squid really is eating Touga; his legs slide in-between the tentacles and vanish and the squid burps)
AKIO: Good heavens.
ELLIOTT: Relax. Squids don't chew their food. You'll be seeing him again real soon. Hey, door ding! (takes a hammer and smacks the car door and then runs away, leaving Akio very cross and angry)

UTENA: What was wrong with my deleted scene?
MIKI: Utena, it didn't even happen. Why'd you think making silly cartoons of the duelists and mimicking them would be funny?
UTENA: Hey, it works on MAD TV.
MIKI: Oh, boy. Well, it looks like we've only got one more deleted scene to show. Here's Touga and Utena in a duel they didn't let you see in our TV series.

DELETED SCENE 6- CUTTING 'EM DOWN TO SIZE
(Touga and Utena are dueling at the usual place)

TOUGA: I shall be victorious this time, Utena!
UTENA: Bring it on!
(The two combatants cross swords a few times and slash away at each other for a few minutes. Finally, Utena gains the upper hand and cuts Touga's left arm off)
ANSHI: Ewww.
UTENA: I win. The Rose Bride is still mine.
TOUGA: It's not over yet. This is just a scratch!
UTENA: A scratch?! Your arm's off!
TOUGA: No it isn't.
UTENA: Yes it is. See? (Points at the bleeding arm)
TOUGA: ...I've had worse.
UTENA: Oh, brother.
TOUGA: Come on, ya pansey!
(More fighting ensues. After another minute, Utena cuts off Touga's other arm)
UTENA: Victory is mine!
TOUGA: No way! (Starts kicking Utena with his legs)
UTENA: Look Touga, I really appreciate the spirit you're giving this duel, but the fight is mine.
TOUGA: Oh, you've had enough, huh?
UTENA: (Rolls her eyes) Look, you dumb bastard, you've got no arms left!
TOUGA: Yes I have!
UTENA: LOOK! (Points at both arm stumps)
TOUGA: It's just a flesh wound. Ha! (Runs around Utena and kicks her a few times) Chicken! Chicken!
UTENA: Hey, stop that! (Chops off Touga's left leg; he hobbles around)
TOUGA: That's it! I'll get you for that!
UTENA: You'll WHAT?
TOUGA: Come here!
UTENA: (Sighs angrily) Whaddya gonna do, bleed on me?
TOUGA: (Headbutting Utena) I'm invincible!
UTENA: You're nuts, that's what you are.
TOUGA: A member of the student council always triumphs! Have at you!
(Utena rolls her eyes, sighs and hacks off Touga's other leg and then knocks off his rose. His torso lands on the ground. He looks down at his stump of a body and then looks back up at Utena)
TOUGA: All right, we'll call it a draw.
UTENA: Come on, Anshi.(Utena and Anshi start walking down the stairs)
TOUGA: (Yelling after them) Oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's comin' to ya! I'll bite your legs off!

MIKI: How incredibly gory.
UTENA: It was a good thing we found an American cartoonist that knew how to reattach limbs.

TOUGA: He didn't do THAT good of a job. (His left arm falls off again) Darn.

UTENA: Well, that's all for tonight! So long from Ohtori, everyone!
MIKI: We'll be back later with 'Batena For A Long Long Time,' the winner of 'The Duelists of the Ring's' story contest!
BOTH: Goodbye!
(The lights fade out)
MIKI: Well, that went pretty well, don't you think?
UTENA: Yeah. (Sips her drink) Ah, mango juice.
MIKI: Uh-oh.
(A loud CRASH is heard, followed by a car alarm)
AKIO: ANIMAL HOUSE!!!
UTENA: Oops.
MIKI: Sit perfectly still. He can't see us if we don't move.